Fashion for the number of children - no matter how strange it may sound - exists. At the beginning of the 20th century, a family with one child was rare. Half a century later, a family with two children has become a familiar picture. In the dashing 90s, rarely did parents decide to have more than one child. And three offspring - this is heroism! Dashing years smoothly flowed into stable, though sometimes crisis. True, for some reason it confuses: why? How did it happen? What guided the husband and wife when they had "so many" children? ..
According to experienced parents, psychologists, and teachers, the biggest change in family relations is the birth of the first child: the difference between zero and one in this matter is huge, one might say, fundamental. The whole life is changing: there is not only a household shake-up (lack of sleep, diapers, sliders, walks, children's clinics), but also a change of priorities - older family members have to take into account the interests of the "newcomer" and sometimes sacrifice their own.
With a second child, experience certainly helps, and yet the arrival of the youngest child in the family raises a wave of new worries and difficult questions. Redistribution of parents' attention, division of toys and children's property, jealousy, disorder in the apartment. For the firstborn, the birth of a brother or sister is also a test: he has ceased to be the center of the universe. And yet a brother or sister is for life. He or she will be support and support when the parents are gone, the best friend who knows what kind of person you really are.
Mothers of many children unanimously declare: the appearance of a third child in the family does not fundamentally change anything in it. Life has long been rebuilt to suit the needs of children, by the time the third child was born, the “childfree” lifestyle with nightclubs and endless parties, as a rule, has long been in the past. There are enough things (clothes, shoes, toys); parental experience is also enough not to go to pediatricians because of banal colds and scratches.
Of course, the appearance of the third brings certain specifics to the life of the family:
- the middle child is becoming - the time has come for him to feel jealousy, and mom and dad are no longer as much concerned about this problem as they were at the birth of the second;
- you will have to think about whether it will fit in your family car;
- the younger baby, and the older ones already need to take the children to circles and sections, you have to develop non-standard approaches to time management.
Of course, much depends on the age difference between children - the larger it is, the easier it is for parents to cope purely physically. But even with a small difference (2-3 years), sooner or later the parents of three discover that two (and then three) can solve many issues on their own. In general, life is getting better. Of course, it doesn't happen overnight...
Why do people give birth to a third?
Mothers of three children often note that others are ready to suspect them of any “crime” because of the appearance of a third child in the family. There are assumptions about an unplanned pregnancy, medical indications, the desire to give birth to a third child for a new husband, an attempt to “shake out” benefits from the state (an apartment, a plot of land, etc.). For some reason, people are not ready to accept the simple idea that a child can be born not for any purpose, but simply to love him.
By the way, what kind of benefits are we talking about?
According to Russian legislation, large families include families with three or more children, including those adopted, under guardianship (guardianship) and under the age of 18 (in the case of training, the age increases). The state really expresses its readiness to help large families - they are entitled to various rights and benefits: discounts for the use of public utilities, free travel for children on urban public transport and a discount on travel on intercity transport, free meals for children in educational institutions, priority admission to schools and provision vouchers to sanatoriums, etc.
Parents who decide to have three or more children are provided with garden or garden plots, are given the right to flexible forms of employment (for example, part-time employment), priority training or retraining. According to the Federal Law "On State Support for Large Families", parents of three or more children can receive a one-time soft loan or an interest-free loan for the construction or purchase of housing (Article 5, Clause 1, Clause 8); receive housing on a priority basis, free of charge in the houses of state and municipal housing funds, - if they prove that they need to improve their living conditions and fit the vague wording “meet the additional conditions established by local governments” (Article 5, Clause 1, Clause 9 ).
The same law “On State Support…” invites parents of large families to engage in small business or farming activities and promises state support. So, they can receive a one-time land plot for the creation of a peasant (farm) economy, small and other enterprises - and along with it tax benefits (Article 5, Clause 1, Clause 11), or receive a one-time soft loan or an interest-free loan in priority for the purchase of machinery, equipment, motor transport and other purposes related to the creation and development of peasant (farm) enterprises (Article 5, Clause 1, Clause 12).
Parents with many children note that such benefits as exemption from transport tax and the right to free parking in the center of Moscow, preferential entry to the zoo and some museums are useful in everyday life.
But of course, not for the sake of dubious benefits, people give birth to children! Many benefits in reality turn out to be “a pleasant trifle”, and they cannot seriously financially help a large family. All benefits must be issued, standing up for everyone’s “favorite” queues in public institutions and proving that you have many children, and some (like the right to free parking) then have to be confirmed and reissued annually ... No benefits are worth going for the sake of them to the birth of a second , third and subsequent children.
The President and people's representatives in the State Duma are increasingly expressing the opinion that families with three children have become the norm, which means that they should no longer be considered large families. Rumors are being circulated from mouth to mouth and on the Internet that the “large number of children” will be raised to 4 children from the beginning of the next year, 2016 (there are no such bills yet). Most likely, these are unfounded statements: families with three children are still far from the “norm”. They are still quite rare and, although they have ceased to be perceived by others “with hostility”, they have not at all become a role model. And the people's representatives themselves are in no hurry to "follow the norms" and have more than 1-2 children.
So why do parents "decide on a third"?
If you try to formulate the answers logically and sort them out, you get the following reasons:
Love for little children
When older children grow up and enter schools and kindergartens, mothers and fathers feel longing and need to be vital to someone, a desire to “cuddle” a fragrant, plump baby.
Communication and "clan"
Parents strive to create a "clan" so that the children are friendly, and there are many of them. Something, but children from large families do not experience a lack of communication.
Desire to have a child of the opposite sex
If the two older children are same-sex, then many families decide "to have a boy / girl."
"Last chance"
Some women, reaching the age of 40, realize that soon they will no longer be able to become mothers and give birth to a third, late child, in order to feel again like women, keepers of the hearth, giving life.
Whatever the rational reasons, often parents just want to give birth and love another child - because they can, that there is spiritual strength and desire for this.
Three children is great and not at all as difficult as it might seem from the outside. All the difficulties and troubles are more than paid off by the happiness that children bring to the family. There are many myths around having many children, which life breaks into dust. Any mother (and two, and three, and more children) will confirm that it is difficult only when the children have a small age difference (less than 2 years), and while all the children are small. As the kids get older, it gets easier. If the difference is 5-6 years, then the difficulties of raising babies are not felt so acutely.
In many “large” situations, you can find advantages: for example, when the eldest son goes to school, the second goes to kindergarten, and a baby appears in the family, then the mother, looking after the baby at home, can help the elder in her studies more; you don’t need an aftercare, just as you don’t need a nanny for a kindergartener while he is sick.
Children's jealousy - it is more frightening. If you properly prepare and behave correctly, jealousy can be minimized and even completely dispensed with.
It turns out that the question of the birth of a third child for some of us (simply due to internal prerequisites and personal characteristics) is essentially no different from the question of the birth of the first. If for a woman the role of a wife and mother is in the first place, then with the birth of children she ceases to be tormented by questions about the meaning of life and her destiny and knows exactly why and for whom she lives. The question “why give birth - first, second, third” simply does not arise.
- According to a VTsIOM poll conducted in May 2014, 53% of Russians believe that a family should have two children, but only 38% have so many children. The desirability of having three children in a family was stated by 28% of the respondents, but only 8% put their ideas into practice. 10% of Russians are sure that even one child is enough (there are statistically more families with one child among residents of the capitals). In general, Russians adhere to patriarchal views - only 1% of respondents suggested that a family could well exist harmoniously without children at all.
- Why, according to Russians, do people have children? Among the answers - care for procreation (36%), care for children as the meaning of life (19%), children as the main goal of marriage (14%), hope for support in old age (9%), just happiness (6%).
- Why don't people have children then? 31% of Russians simply have no idea why. Another 18% suggested that there is not enough money for children, 14% - that selfishness is in excess. Among the answers are also poor health (10%), the inability to have children (9%), personal choice, beliefs (7%), fear of responsibility (6%).
- In 2015, 18,000 mothers in Moscow gave birth to their third or more child.
- In 2009, the Order of Parental Glory was established in Russia (for parents and adoptive parents who raised 7 or more children). Since its inception, 281 families have been awarded this insignia. In 2014, 20 families received the order. In 2015, 25 families have already been awarded, of which two are single parents.
- According to the Moscow Association of Large Families, 104,088 families with the status of large families are registered in the capital, of which 125 are raising 10 or more children.
Photo: photosavvy / Flickr / CC-BY-ND-2.0
Every next one gets easier
As experienced parents assure, the most difficult thing is the first child. Life suddenly changes once and for all, and you have to get used not only to physical difficulties - lack of proper sleep, possible problems with breastfeeding, but also to psychological ones: a feeling of helplessness when your child is crying, and you cannot calm him down, or he for the first time a high temperature, because your life is not yours for a while. With subsequent children, as a rule, it can be more difficult physically, but morally it is usually easier.
“One child, in my experience, takes more time, they play together, and then three or even four,” says Natalya, mother of four children.
“When there were three of them, then in general everything turned out to be simple. They are already looking after each other, ”Elena echoes her.
Give birth on time
The mothers I interviewed agree that the ideal difference with three children is at least two, and preferably three years between the birth of each. Not only will the female body be able to recover, but grown-up children will require at least a little, but less attention in everyday life.
“You certainly understand how to behave, how to teach a baby to sleep on playgrounds, feed, organize sleep, etc. But life constantly throws up surprises, and if the first two were more or less calm babies, it’s not a fact that the third one will be just as lucky. And now you, already an experienced mother, do not understand at all what is happening and what to do. Therefore, it is important that the first two can already entertain themselves and each other on their own, go to the garden and school, wipe their own ass and, ideally, even find food in the refrigerator and warm it up, ”advises Ekaterina, mother of three children.
“Here, it seems to me, the ideal difference is 10 years, 7 and almost 3 years, and the eldest immediately, as the youngest was born, clung to him and takes care of him until now,” says Anastasia.
Proper organization
Systems, plans and lists are everything! It is worth finding out which of the principles of time management is right for you - a system of fifteen minutes from the flylady (every day 15 minutes of cleaning in one of the rooms), planning a menu for the week and buying products from the list, compiling to-do lists for the week and day in a separate notebook, or application in the phone, lists of basic dishes ... Also among the popular tips: a sling or a backpack for a younger child, a mat-bag for toys, freezing food and convenience foods. And, of course, everyone unanimously recommends, if possible, to make life easier with the help of household appliances - a multicooker, a dishwasher, a washing machine with a dryer, a robot vacuum cleaner. And also try to achieve the maximum coincidence of the regimes of children: if all three sleep during the day, then at least at the same time.
Allocate resources and attention
All children need attention, love and hugs. And the eldest, who probably still remembers what it's like to be the only child in the family, and the middle one, and the youngest. Some mothers even specifically prescribe certain points when drawing up a plan for the day: read a fairy tale to the elder, play together with the middle one in trains. Well, the younger gets attention in any case, by the right of a minority. And here, too, it is advised not to overdo it.
“The elders grow more conscious and responsible, in such a situation it is the third who most often grows up as an egoist - he is the youngest, everything is possible for him. The most difficult thing is to put it in its place, this unexpected gift of fate. Therefore, we must not forget to hug, kiss and squeeze the elders, and let this petty tyrant know that he is not the only pet in the family, ”advises Lydia.
“When the eldest grows up, there will be an assistant”?
Of course, children from a certain age should have certain household chores. But it is categorically not advised to make senior nannies as an ultimatum: this is unlikely to have a good effect on relations between children in the future, and in general it can be unsafe. If the children want to mess with the younger - please, no - then no.
“The main thing is not to shift your responsibilities to the elders, any care for the baby should be a joy to them, not a duty. For example, my four-year-old daughter decided that she could replace her two-year-old mother during the moments of my absence. And she organized a kind of role-playing game: she leads him by the handle, looks after him, looks after him. He is not happy, of course, sometimes he grabs her by the hair, hits her on the head, and I explain to her: you are a mother, and mother sometimes has to endure from children, explain to them what is possible and what is not. A six-year-old son is very worried that he is the eldest, and he seems to be responsible, so sometimes he is allowed to be a baby, for example, in playing mother-daughter with his younger sister. They understand that this is a game, but they feel that they are also kids, that they love them no less, ”says Ekaterina.
Ask for help
However, you still need help. Grandmothers, retired neighbors or students, nannies, who come once a week or two cleaners - depending on your comfort and financial capabilities.
“Nanny is vital. Grandmothers are not. Grandmothers will brainwash you with their vast knowledge, and you won’t turn away, because “look what a son I raised!” The nanny will do as much as possible, as you tell her, as a rule, she will chime in as much as possible, which, of course, will help children grow up moderately normal and healthy, which is almost impossible if a grandmother takes on a child with all the pensioner's enthusiasm, ” - says Irina, mother of triplets.
Involve children in your interests and do not listen to anyone
Do not refuse meetings with friends - spend them in centers with playrooms or family cafes, go on weekends to those museums that are of interest to you in the first place. Do not forget about playing sports together with children, drawing courses, acting, foreign languages for children and adults, in some theaters you can leave the child in the play area during the performance.
And finally, advice from Irina, the mother of not just three children, but triplets:
“The advice is very simple: do not listen to neighbors, relatives and other well-wishers, but listen to your heart and try not to cry, even if you really want to. Everyone around will know how to do it, and the poor, screwed-up mother will definitely do everything badly, in their opinion. It takes a lot of patience and strong nerves. You have to think positively: someday they will grow up, get married and leave your home, and these are all temporary difficulties.
Photo: photosavvy / Flickr / CC-BY-ND-2.0
Every next one gets easier
As experienced parents assure, the most difficult thing is the first child. Life suddenly changes once and for all, and you have to get used not only to physical difficulties - lack of proper sleep, possible problems with breastfeeding, but also to psychological ones: a feeling of helplessness when your child is crying, and you cannot calm him down, or he for the first time a high temperature, because your life is not yours for a while. With subsequent children, as a rule, it can be more difficult physically, but morally it is usually easier.
“One child, in my experience, takes more time, they play together, and then three or even four,” says Natalya, mother of four children.
“When there were three of them, then in general everything turned out to be simple. They are already looking after each other, ”Elena echoes her.
Give birth on time
The mothers I interviewed agree that the ideal difference with three children is at least two, and preferably three years between the birth of each. Not only will the female body be able to recover, but grown-up children will require at least a little, but less attention in everyday life.
“You certainly understand how to behave, how to teach a baby to sleep on playgrounds, feed, organize sleep, etc. But life constantly throws up surprises, and if the first two were more or less calm babies, it’s not a fact that the third one will be just as lucky. And now you, already an experienced mother, do not understand at all what is happening and what to do. Therefore, it is important that the first two can already entertain themselves and each other on their own, go to the garden and school, wipe their own ass and, ideally, even find food in the refrigerator and warm it up, ”advises Ekaterina, mother of three children.
“Here, it seems to me, the ideal difference is 10 years, 7 and almost 3 years, and the eldest immediately, as the youngest was born, clung to him and takes care of him until now,” says Anastasia.
Proper organization
Systems, plans and lists are everything! It is worth finding out which of the principles of time management is right for you - a system of fifteen minutes from the flylady (every day 15 minutes of cleaning in one of the rooms), planning a menu for the week and buying products from the list, compiling to-do lists for the week and day in a separate notebook, or application in the phone, lists of basic dishes ... Also among the popular tips: a sling or a backpack for a younger child, a mat-bag for toys, freezing food and convenience foods. And, of course, everyone unanimously recommends, if possible, to make life easier with the help of household appliances - a multicooker, a dishwasher, a washing machine with a dryer, a robot vacuum cleaner. And also try to achieve the maximum coincidence of the regimes of children: if all three sleep during the day, then at least at the same time.
Allocate resources and attention
All children need attention, love and hugs. And the eldest, who probably still remembers what it's like to be the only child in the family, and the middle one, and the youngest. Some mothers even specifically prescribe certain points when drawing up a plan for the day: read a fairy tale to the elder, play together with the middle one in trains. Well, the younger gets attention in any case, by the right of a minority. And here, too, it is advised not to overdo it.
“The elders grow more conscious and responsible, in such a situation it is the third who most often grows up as an egoist - he is the youngest, everything is possible for him. The most difficult thing is to put it in its place, this unexpected gift of fate. Therefore, we must not forget to hug, kiss and squeeze the elders, and let this petty tyrant know that he is not the only pet in the family, ”advises Lydia.
“When the eldest grows up, there will be an assistant”?
Of course, children from a certain age should have certain household chores. But it is categorically not advised to make senior nannies as an ultimatum: this is unlikely to have a good effect on relations between children in the future, and in general it can be unsafe. If the children want to mess with the younger - please, no - then no.
“The main thing is not to shift your responsibilities to the elders, any care for the baby should be a joy to them, not a duty. For example, my four-year-old daughter decided that she could replace her two-year-old mother during the moments of my absence. And she organized a kind of role-playing game: she leads him by the handle, looks after him, looks after him. He is not happy, of course, sometimes he grabs her by the hair, hits her on the head, and I explain to her: you are a mother, and mother sometimes has to endure from children, explain to them what is possible and what is not. A six-year-old son is very worried that he is the eldest, and he seems to be responsible, so sometimes he is allowed to be a baby, for example, in playing mother-daughter with his younger sister. They understand that this is a game, but they feel that they are also kids, that they love them no less, ”says Ekaterina.
Ask for help
However, you still need help. Grandmothers, retired neighbors or students, nannies, who come once a week or two cleaners - depending on your comfort and financial capabilities.
“Nanny is vital. Grandmothers are not. Grandmothers will brainwash you with their vast knowledge, and you won’t turn away, because “look what a son I raised!” The nanny will do as much as possible, as you tell her, as a rule, she will chime in as much as possible, which, of course, will help children grow up moderately normal and healthy, which is almost impossible if a grandmother takes on a child with all the pensioner's enthusiasm, ” - says Irina, mother of triplets.
Involve children in your interests and do not listen to anyone
Do not refuse meetings with friends - spend them in centers with playrooms or family cafes, go on weekends to those museums that are of interest to you in the first place. Do not forget about playing sports together with children, drawing courses, acting, foreign languages for children and adults, in some theaters you can leave the child in the play area during the performance.
And finally, advice from Irina, the mother of not just three children, but triplets:
“The advice is very simple: do not listen to neighbors, relatives and other well-wishers, but listen to your heart and try not to cry, even if you really want to. Everyone around will know how to do it, and the poor, screwed-up mother will definitely do everything badly, in their opinion. It takes a lot of patience and strong nerves. You have to think positively: someday they will grow up, get married and leave your home, and these are all temporary difficulties.
