Other people will not make you happy until you understand yourself. How to become self-sufficient and independent?

I must confess that for the first time in many years, I feel that I am emotionally incompetent, that I need help.

No, it's not that I'm crazy and desperate, I just need someone else to meet my emotional needs.

And this caused a number of problems that I had no idea about before: I began to have problems in personal relationships because I expected that a person would please me in every possible way, and when I did not expect this, I was disappointed in relationships. I often felt unhappy because I expected happiness to come from outside, and this is an unreliable and unsteady basis of happiness. On top of that, I was in a hopelessly helpless position: if I was waiting for other people to make me happy, and they did not, then what was left for me? And what could I do if they were also bringing unhappiness into my life?

It's only in the last few years that I've become more emotionally independent. And thanks to this, my relationships with people began to improve, in general, I became happier.

Check yourself

Are you emotionally independent? Ask yourself:

Do you expect your partner to bring you happiness?

If you already have a partner, do you turn to him for love, sex, to confirm your own importance, for support?

Do you get upset if your partner doesn't respond the way you expect, doesn't meet your needs?

When you are alone, do you try to take your mind off your loneliness? How often do you pick up the phone?

How often do you complain to other people about something? Or how often do you get annoyed by what other people do?

Is your relationship with your partner the most important thing in the world to you? What about relationships with friends or children?

Does it annoy you if your partner does something that has nothing to do with you or suddenly decides to do something on their own that you used to do together?

Are you jealous?

The list can go on, of course, but some of you may already recognize yourself in these questions if you answer them honestly.

And that doesn't necessarily mean you're a "terrible person." I also have a few of the above issues and am working on them. Most people in general have the same problems, it's just that not everyone recognizes it, because. they think that to admit this is to look in an unsightly light. And everyone wants to look decent. However, if you have problems, then it's not about how you look from the outside, but about who you really are.

In any case, regardless of what matters most to you - how you look or who you really are, the following ways of independent existence will be useful to you. They will completely transform you and bring you happiness and peace.
How do we become like this

Usually, people get used to emotional dependence from childhood. We rely on our parents to meet our emotional needs - for love, comfort, support, confirmation of our worth, and so on. We cannot learn the skills of independent emotional existence in childhood, as parents who love us do everything in order to satisfy all our needs.

And then we grow up and lack the skills to meet our emotional needs on our own. And we are looking for someone else for this. We are looking for the perfect partner, or even going through a series of breakups, because:

1) we do not have emotional independence, so we destroy relationships with our dissatisfaction
2) most likely, our partner has the same problems.

If we are in pain, we blame our partner for our pain. If people don't support us, we blame them too. If something bad happens to us, we imagine ourselves as victims, because if someone harmed us, we automatically become a victim and cannot control our lives, right?

But there is a solution: you just need to remember one such thing: happiness is within us.

How to become emotionally independent

Looking for the source of happiness in others is not a reliable way to find it. People come and go, they can be emotionally closed for some personal reason.

And here's the thing: they don't have to satisfy our emotional needs at all. They are barely able to meet their own needs.

So, instead of looking for happiness in someone else, you need to understand that there is just no happiness there. Because it is within us.

Happiness is not in the future, and not somewhere else. It is available right now, within us, at any moment in time.

How to find this happiness? Yes, it is a process of self-discovery, but here are some suggestions:

Be alone with yourself, without distracting external things, for a few minutes. Take a look at yourself. Analyze your thoughts as they come up. Take a look at your consciousness. Understand how amazing it is in itself. Already it can be studied and all this will be interesting.

One of the sources of happiness for me is creation, the search for new ideas, creativity. I don’t need anyone for this, and people are surprised at this ability of mine.

I also love to learn things. It makes me happy, helps my personal growth.

Curiosity is a never-ending source of happiness for me.

Learn to solve your own problems. If you are bored - solve this problem. If you feel lonely or hurt, comfort yourself. If you are jealous, do not rely on someone else to resolve your doubts - deal with them yourself.

Take responsibility. If you often blame others, understand that it's not about them. More precisely, you can think that the problem is in some person, but, in this case, the solution to the problem does not depend on you. And if you believe that the problem is not in it, then you will find a solution yourself.

If you suddenly find yourself complaining, find a way to be grateful.

If you are waiting for someone to help you, help yourself.

Create your own personal source of happiness. And continue to live as a whole, happy person, in need of nothing.

And then, when you learn to be such a thing in yourself, take the next step from this source of integrity, self-sufficiency and independence - give your love to people. Not because you want love in return, not because you want someone to need you, but because love is wonderful.

Typical situations are considered by the director of the Vladimir dating agency "I and you", psychologist, consultant on interpersonal relationships Elena Kuznetsova.

“The emotional decline in a woman turns out to be much longer, because she manages to fall in love with a man completely, since he suits her on all fronts. Women worry longer and leave longer, because they no longer even love just a partner, but also their feelings for him, ”Kuznetsova comments on the situation.

The psychologist recommends that ladies at the initial stage of a relationship learn more about the everyday preferences of their lover: what kind of food he likes, shirts, what color he wears, etc. All this knowledge in the future will help to keep a man near him.

“If a woman is smart, she should seize the moment while a man is in love with her. She must find out what a man likes, what he appreciates. During this period, the partner gives the young lady the whole alignment, everything that is possible and impossible, he is “naked” in front of her. And when a man begins to cool down emotionally, and must offer the gentleman his complete favorite set: here are pies for you, but striped socks. And dumplings - also from the list. The lady must do everything to ", - states Elena Kuznetsova.

Overcoming love addiction

The stronger the dependence on a lover or beloved, the more. It is impossible to say exactly how long it takes people to recover. For everyone - the process is individual, but the general advice for everyone is as follows.

Try to leave immediately after. A change of scenery is favorable because in a new place nothing will remind you of the minutes spent together. In addition, new impressions and emotions will help drive out sad thoughts.

Another option is to completely go to work. In this case, you will also not have time for tragic reflections.

Don't forget the gym. Work up a sweat. Physical activity will help you release negative energy and relax.

It is important to properly organize your leisure time. Try to keep your brain working all the time, so in your free time, read books (but reading should really fascinate you) and watch movies. Just do not opt ​​for melodramas and romance novels, where "everything is about me." It is better to give preference to thrillers, action films, films where there is "action".

It is better to forget about the “wedge by wedge” option. This way to forget with the help of a new hobby is not very good, because psychologically people are often not ready for a new relationship right away. We continue to love and remember one person and look for his traits in another. And when the comparison is not in favor of a new partner, we are only annoyed, and no “recovery” occurs. The situation often only gets worse.

If you want to suggest your topics related to interpersonal relationships, write to the editorial office of AiF-Vladimir: [email protected].

Boyfriend addiction: how to turn it into love

Dependence on a guy is a deliberate loss in a relationship. Can't imagine yourself without it and want in return the same brightness of feelings that you yourself experience? But you don't?
By uncovering the causes of this imbalance, you will understand how to get rid of emotional dependence. And then the further choice is yours: turn the addiction into a desirable relationship or get out of them with minimal losses.

Causes of emotional dependence on a guy

Emotional dependence occurs in girls who have a visual vector - properties of the psyche that form character and desires. A rich imagination, a desire to be the center of attention, the ability to feel the mood of others - it's all about them. Without love, life is not interesting to them, and emotions in a relationship with a guy are always in the first place. The essence of this type of psyche and the causes of addiction are fully revealed at the training "Systemic Vector Psychology" by Yuri Burlan.

Boyfriend addiction occurs for three main reasons:

1. Idealization of a guy and emotional hunger

At the beginning of the relationship, the pumpkin is seen as a carriage, and the guy is seen as a prince. A girl with a visual vector is a dreamer and in her fantasies she tends to endow the guy with those qualities that he does not possess. By the time she comes to her senses, the symptoms of addiction will already be present.

In addition, she needs emotions like air. And if the guy does not particularly demonstrate them, then there is a real emotional hunger. Even the smallest manifestation of feelings is perceived as a sip of water in the desert.

Sex, of course, is the source of the most powerful emotions; in the arms of a guy, a girl feels best. Therefore, what seems to some to be a manifestation of hypersexuality is just a struggle for vivid emotions. And dependence on a guy in this case can be perceived as sexual.

2. Unspent emotionality

Girls with a visual vector are designed to love and inspire those around them.

Their compassion knows no bounds, they know how to empathize like no other. But when all their emotional potential falls on one person, this becomes a problem. Able to potentially love the whole world, and not just her boyfriend, the girl becomes a hostage of emotional dependence, from which one treatment is to give emotions to other people.

3. Fear

Girls with a visual vector are the strongest not only in love, but also in fear. The fear of being alone provokes unnecessary tantrums and scandals that only hasten the separation.

Building a trusting relationship with a guy, understanding his character and interests, inspiring him, the girl seems to be stretching a sensual thread between them - creating an emotional connection. When she is, the girl feels a sense of security and safety, she is happy. And when it is not there, the heart is filled with fear.

The entire emotional potential of the visual girl is enclosed between two states: fear and love. And emotional dependence is stronger, the stronger the fear. To overcome fear means to stop demanding attention only to yourself, but to start giving emotions to others.

Do not confuse love addiction with a guy and love

They are fundamentally different from each other. Claiming emotions for yourself, no matter how, always means addiction.

And love is the focus on the other person. It means to live, understanding his character and his desires as your own. To give inspiration and inspire, to create an emotional connection and spiritual intimacy means to maintain a love thrill in a relationship for many years and at the same time not feel dependent on it.

How to get rid of addiction in three steps and turn it into a desirable relationship with a guy

Step 1: to understand the cause of addiction. That is, to understand the motives of their actions: their own fantasies, fears, the inability to pour out all the emotions at once on a loved one. This will allow you to see the relationship in a new way and remove the lion's share of your fears.

Step 2: understand your boyfriend. To truly see how he lives and what drives his actions. Why does he show his feelings in this way and not otherwise. Is he capable, in principle, of the relationships that you need. Then you will immediately see if your love story can be treated. If the guy is not the one who inspires you, and you, in turn, cannot become his muse, then it's time to leave the relationship with gratitude for this experience and build new ones.

Guys from childhood are brought up emotionally more closed, so the initiative to create an emotional connection almost always lies with the woman. Do not miss this moment in a new relationship in order to avoid emotional dependence on the guy in the future.

The effectiveness of these tips is proved by the numerous reviews of people who have got rid of emotional dependence and have known the joy and happiness of a relationship with a loved one.

“... A more significant result for me was getting rid of “love addiction” - a state in which I was for 3 difficult years for me. Trying to find freedom over addiction, I turned to specialists, read various literature on this topic, listened to online seminars. It would seem that much of what was heard then was accurate and true, but for some reason knowledge and understanding did not help ...

... For some reason, nowhere, in any source, I did not find these seemingly banal truths then. A man who wants to fly even to Mars. Otherwise, there will be a lot of rationalizations instead of the simple truth: “I don’t want, I don’t need it.” Rationalizations, which of course cannot be trusted! And after the SVP training, it is simply impossible to believe such excuses! So Yuri clearly shows the nature of the relationship between a man and a woman ...

So as I listened to the lectures, I clearly saw the relationship from the outside. One-way communication, one-way actions, one-way intention, his vague and inconsistent behavior, which I could not understand for a very long time. But there were hints, but then I could not see the state of the skin vector and understand the emotional stinginess and inconstancy.

I could not understand myself either, because not everyone would attract such relationships into their lives. The hardest thing was to break away from such a negative experience and believe in myself again. To believe that from now on it is quite possible: DO NOT MISTAKE. SVP insures against errors of this kind. To enter into a relationship with open eyes, sighted, and not blind - it's worth a lot! .. "
Marina G., lawyer, Tambov

“... A strong emotional and sexual addiction has taken on new shapes. The understanding of true love (human) and its meaning was revealed. For the first time in my life I felt spiritual unity with a man. We can exchange thoughts, heal each other, get incredible sensations from intercourse. Although we cannot be together, what both have experienced and understood after going through the SVP is incomparable! What a miracle God has created! People still do not realize the great potential of Love in a couple, group, society... Relationships with a man seem to have decomposed into several levels that can be passed simultaneously, endlessly revealing each other. It changes everything. That is why for me SVP is INHALE!..”

Psychological dependence on a man makes a woman forget about her interests. She is absolutely absorbed in her beloved, his well-being and comfort, so she forgets about herself. Independence disappears imperceptibly, she becomes insecure. If the feelings are mutual, the guy is also absorbed by his beloved, perhaps there is nothing wrong with such love and excessive affection. But no one can guarantee that the relationship will last until the end of life, and in this case, the woman's dependence on the man will play against her.

Causes

Experts say that not all people are subject to psychological addiction. Confident people, leaders or individuals who are able to achieve their goals no matter what, are unlikely to encounter such a phenomenon. Others, who from childhood were subjected to total parental control, failed to develop the qualities of an independent person, resignedly submit to the influence of a man, considering them higher in position. At the same time, women consider their life to be absolutely normal, so they do not seek to change it.

A dependent relationship with a man can turn a completely independent person into a desperate housewife who has forgotten not only about her desires, but also about her appearance. At first, the couple is happy, the wedding, the first joint days of life. Then comes pregnancy, the woman gives birth to a child, then a second, becoming a housewife. She likes to take care of loved ones, but she herself does not have time to understand how she gets used to such a role. The children grow up, the husband's career too, and the woman remains dissolved in the man and the family - she no longer thinks of another life.

Another reason why a woman gets into a dependent relationship is upbringing without a father - a little girl has always lacked male influence, so in adulthood she is ready to obey a guy, falling into emotional dependence on him. It is good if the intentions of the young man are positive.

A dependent woman can also become a victim of such a relationship because of her own fantasies - she comes up with what her chosen one will be like, endows him with many qualities, and when she meets him, she hangs them on him without understanding his personality. Dreamers in the future face disappointment, because the guy, adorned with many virtues and important qualities, turns out to be different, indecisive, weak-willed, and it seems impossible to survive difficult life trials with him.

Symptoms

Many representatives of the weaker sex do not realize that they have joined the ranks of overly dependent women. Emotional dependence on a man is manifested in the following:

• Existence on "autopilot" - women have no time to stop and think, reevaluate life, think about goals. They live in the conditions of "Groundhog Day", but there is no light in sight.
• Energy dependence makes a woman see only an ideal in her beloved - she does not notice his shortcomings, bad behavior. She is even ready to forgive betrayal, because she cannot imagine life without him - for her he is the best.
• Psychological connections with the opposite sex do not bring satisfaction, joy and happiness over time, but no one is ready to part.
• The simultaneous feeling of love and hate is also characteristic of girls who are dependent on their beloved boyfriend.
• Concentration only on a man, his emotions, goals, desires - women simply forget about their own dreams and ideas, and remain unfulfilled.
• The loss of friends and acquaintances with whom the girl communicated before meeting the guy also indicates the psychological dependence of the woman.

These are energy signs of a pathological connection with the opposite sex. But there are types of addiction that are part of the psychological:

• Sexual - once re-reading a novel with non-childish content or watching a movie on the topic of sex, a girl receives an emotional charge. She knows what feelings she wants to feel during intimacy, so she is looking for an appropriate partner. When she finds him, she becomes dependent on him, as he gives her the full range of necessary emotions.
• Emotional - lack of attention in childhood becomes the reason for such a connection. Emotional communication is enough to get absolute satisfaction, so girls are ready to endure laziness, rudeness, anything, just to be close to this person.

What's wrong?

Dependent relationships put psychological pressure on both partners. Everything good, with constant pursuit and excessive enthusiasm for the second half, turns into an annoying obsession.

You can be interested in men, openly confess your love to them, support them, but you should not go too far and accompany them everywhere.

Dependent ladies in a relationship eventually turn into a splinter. The energy balance of the couple is disturbed, and the man subconsciously begins to look for another, more calm, not asking a lot of questions, not trying to turn into an obsessive life partner, which does not even give the opportunity to be alone.

Guys prefer to communicate with self-sufficient girls who have goals and are able to trust, move forward, and join forces. When women turn into faceless creatures, interest in them, alas, fades, and with it love.

The dependence of a man on a woman leads to even more serious problems - such representatives of the stronger sex are made henpecked, they are deprived of every opportunity to make independent decisions, and subsequently no one consults with them. In fact, life turns into a monotonous aimless existence, because in any undertakings a man does not feel supported.

But the worst thing in dependence is the bitterness of parting. Couples in which the above difficulties arise between a woman and a dependent man, or vice versa, sooner or later part. However, the dependent partner cannot accept the choice of the second half - the psychology of emotional relationships has made him a hostage. A break in such couples can lead to tragedy - suicide, crime, when an abandoned woman is ready to kill a rival, etc.

How to fight?

The energy relationship of a dependent person (mostly women are susceptible to this) can be helped. Loving is not bad, just distinguishing between the concept of love and addiction is an impossible task for many. If, by any sign, you realize that you have become too dependent on your soulmate, you should start working on yourself until the end of everything has come.

• To begin with, remember when you were engaged in a business that was interesting only to you. Embroidery, knitting, going to a fitness club, meeting with friends? If you don’t remember anything like this in everyday affairs and the endless “service” of family members, feel free to announce that you will spend the next weekend with benefit for yourself. It is not necessary to explain why such a decision was made, it is enough to say - "I will go to the pool" or "I am dating a friend." Face the fact of your loved one, and do not even try to feel guilty.
• Plan the future with the pronoun "I" - of course, in a normal relationship there should be common interests, but among them you need to find a place for "I". Of the 5 tasks for both partners, one should be your favorite. This is enough to not feel excessive emotional attachment.
• Imagine what will happen to you if you break up - this is not a call for planning for absolute independence. In life, you need to be prepared for everything, and such an exercise will help you cope if such a situation occurs.

Avoid dependence - when she leaves the relationship, manipulation disappears, pain, suffering, longing pass. Love, passion, interest return to their place, and depression and humiliation come to an end.

It doesn't matter why you need to make a girl dependent on you, but the fact remains - you really want it. Of course, love makes any of us dependent on another person. Love suppresses, forces you to make concessions, turn a blind eye to the shortcomings of your soulmate, and finally, love enslaves. For many, love is a real drug, and some individuals boldly claim that this addiction is much stronger than alcohol or nicotine.

If a girl really loves you, believe me, you will become the center of the universe for her, but love is not the only way to make a girl depend on you.

Consider more options on how to suppress the will of your beloved and partially (or maybe completely) subjugate yourself.

The girl will also become dependent on her partner if he constantly helps her in something. It can be a business, career, household issues, apartment renovation or psychological support. For example, she is inherently very lonely, and now you are always with her, understand her and support her in everything.

And she herself, without realizing it, will be drawn to you more and more, realizing that she is unlikely to be able to find another like her. The method is simple - she needs something, and you give it to her.

Strong emotions, the originality of the guy, allow not only to interest, but also to keep the girl. This is helped, for example, by various pikaperskie krysnos and strong jokes on a girl. She will brag to her friends about what, and what surprises you arrange for her. The most banal and common option is money. What women do not go to, not wanting to part with a rich husband or lover. They are able to endure their betrayals and reproaches, bullying and insults, and all for the sake of the only drug - money.

Lovely creatures know perfectly well that if they part with their sponsor, they will lose everything they have, and they cannot allow this in any way. There are many such examples. You get used to a luxurious life quickly, and no one wants to switch to stale crackers after sandwiches with caviar. Many men successfully use it. As a rule, they do not like to give freedom to their girls, they do not want their chosen one to fulfill herself in this world.

After all, if she becomes self-sufficient and secure, she can calmly wave her hand to her man and leave him. And so, she will sit at home and dutifully wait for him with a hot dinner, endure his antics and betrayals, and will not go anywhere, because she will know that in this case she will have to part with a beautiful life and vacation abroad.

Many girls become dependent on their boss, having once entered into a love relationship with him. Men also use this well, promising their mistress a career advancement if she is nice and obedient to him.

Also, a child makes a dependent wife from her husband (or a girl from a guy). Many ladies confidently believe that a child will certainly need a father, and not only as the breadwinner of the family while she is on maternity leave, but also the very fact that she will not become a single mother, and her child will grow up in a full-fledged family. Therefore, it is not uncommon for women to fall willy-nilly into dependence on their men as soon as they are pregnant.

Making a girl dependent is not always easy, but often real. However, in the desire to subjugate someone and gain some kind of power over someone, there is undoubtedly a hint of selfishness rather than love. Do you need it?

Will a girl become interesting to you if she constantly pleases and obeys you? Maybe you, thus, want to once again assert yourself in your own irresistibility? In any case, this is your life, and it is up to you to decide which methods to follow and go. The main thing, remember, with the desire and the right tactics of action, the results are simply fabulously successful.