"Courage, hard work, self-control
and intellectual effort is the foundation
for a successful life".
Theodore Roosevelt
What's the first thing that comes to your mind when you hear about self-control? Perhaps the image of a warrior who owns a martial art - calm, focused and in control of himself and his life. Or you can imagine a person who plans his life, has self-discipline and achieves his goals. Be that as it may, you will be right in any case - this is a wonderful skill and everyone should learn it.
Think about which of the above virtues you constantly display. Do you feel in control and confident in your future? Are you able to manage your emotions? Most likely your answer will be - you can do all this, but only sometimes. If so, take four important steps to help you develop self-mastery.
What does it mean to be in control of yourself?
If you know how to control yourself, this means that you have the ability to control yourself in any situation and consciously move towards your goals. You are clearly aware of them, have self-discipline and are maximally concentrated. It also means managing your emotions, thoughts, impulses and actions that you direct in the right direction.
Think of people you know who don't know how to control themselves. Most likely they are impulsive and reckless. They draw erroneous conclusions, lose their temper, yell at other people and are completely incapable of being patient. They are unpredictable and do not inspire confidence.
Goals
The development of self-mastery begins with. Think of people who have high self-discipline. There is a huge chance that they are clearly aware of their merits, have the right goals and direct all actions towards their achievement.
Set short and long term goals for yourself. For the first you will need motivation, for the second it is discipline. Remember that they should be clear and easy to measure, and every correct step raises your self and kills you.
Attitude and emotions
Dealing with negative situations and managing emotions are critical skills for self-control. If you often lose your temper, you do not control your own mood and make a lot of mistakes both in work and in relationships with others.
Focus every day on something positive. Numerous unpleasant events are possible in your life, but they should not affect your psyche and your decisions. Be for what you already have. Almost every person has the ability to exaggerate, so change your attitude to what is happening, to what you cannot change. Even if you do not like your work, do not even think about it at home or when you are relaxing.
Avoid self-sabotage because it undermines your confidence and prevents you from reaching your goals. If you notice this behavior, change the direction of your thoughts. Think of something positive and inspiring.
Describe on a piece of paper the situations that led to negative and destructive thoughts. Next, write down the emotions that you experienced at the same time, and also list your automatic reactions. It is automatic reactions that are the problem for most people. They instantly react to criticism with anger, and to conflict with apathy.
Develop emotional intelligence. Be always aware, determine what emotions you are experiencing at the moment, give them a clear definition. If you are angry, don't deny it and acknowledge that you are angry. Watch the reactions of other people - so you can notice the first signs of conflict and immediately extinguish it.
Strength of will
Remember how many times you set yourself ambitious goals like learning English and did not finish what you started. You lacked willpower and self-control. We always quit what we started when our mood deteriorates, we are upset about something and do not get what we want.
Willpower is extremely important for self-control, because it pushes us forward and motivates us to act even when we are scared or upset. Willpower is born in us when we see the big picture and understand that we need to make a lot of effort in order to achieve a big goal in a year. Usually people focus on the details and forget about the long term benefits.
Willpower usually comes in bursts and consumes huge amounts of energy. But once it becomes a habit, you will be able to take on the most difficult tasks without experiencing any emotional difficulties. Make sure your rational and emotional motives are in order. Help and development in itself. In the first weeks, it will be difficult for you, but after a month you will feel that you hardly spend any effort in order to complete the next task.
Concentration
Nothing pulls us back and makes us look like Sisyphus more than constant distractions. In addition, this leads to distracted attention and the fact that a person cannot concentrate for more than ten minutes. He reads a book and wants to sleep, does work and gets bored. And here senseless distractions come to the rescue, which entertain him and lead him away from the goal.
- How much time do you spend on unnecessary distractions per day?
- How much time do you spend surfing the internet that doesn't change your life?
- How much time do you spend on breaks? Taking rest is healthy and correct, but if you are distracted every five minutes, this affects the results in a negative way.
- What could you achieve for this day if you made the most of the previous five?
Concentrate on your tasks for one hour several times a day. Give yourself a little rest if you work one hour without distractions. After a while, you will be able to concentrate for longer periods and will be surprised to notice how much easier it is for you to get the job done and delve into the essence of the matter.
We wish you good luck!
Life is full of problems and temptations, and very often we follow our desires or float languidly through the waves of circumstances, having neither the strength nor the desire to resist them. The result in both cases causes negative emotions. We regret that we spent money on buying a lot of unnecessary things, did not dare to offer our candidacy for a vacancy with a higher salary, did not hold back our emotions and thoroughly ruined the relationship with our other half or a teenage child.
In order not to get into such situations, you need to know how to manage yourself. The inability or unwillingness to learn this often leads to the fact that a person becomes a puppet in the hands of others, sometimes without even realizing it. Often, having acted emotionally under the influence of an impulse, we can later regret the consequences that have come, sometimes even for a lifetime.
Keep your emotions under control
There are many situations when our emotions can bring trouble of various sizes. Anxiety in an exam or job interview can prevent you from getting the coveted score or position that you dreamed of. The inability to cope with irritation is the cause of many domestic and sometimes work conflicts. In order to emerge victorious from any stress, you need not only to know how to manage your emotions, but also not to forget to put it into practice at the right time.
For those who are worried about any reason, psychologists advise mastering relaxation techniques that can be used even in a crowded place, for example, at an exam or before an important speech at a meeting.
One of these techniques is breathing exercises. You can perform the exercises standing or sitting, but always with a straightened spine and straightened chest. First, rhythmic breathing through the nose is recommended, for which you should alternately cover one nostril with your finger. Then the breath goes according to the scheme: inhale through the right nostril - hold the breath - exhale through the left nostril and vice versa. By the way, holding your breath is described in many sources as a way to deal with irritation.
Analyze
In order to successfully cope with negative emotions, it is useful to try to understand what exactly causes them. Often we get annoyed because of the fear of the unknown or the fear of not being able to cope with the assigned task, of not being up to par. In this case, you need to mentally calculate the options in a calm environment, as if living the situation several times in different ways. Having experienced sensations, albeit still unrealistic, it is worth appreciating their importance for yourself. It often turns out that the game (that is, experiences) is not worth the candle - those expected consequences that in reality turn out to be by no means catastrophic.
To cope with the irritation that is caused by the wrong, in our opinion, the behavior of other people, it is worth considering why they behave in this way. There is not always malicious intent behind what offends us. In order to be convinced of this, sometimes a calm heart-to-heart conversation is enough.
About desires
Those individuals who know how to learn to manage themselves, as a rule, make a positive impression on others. People who are used to doing “what the left foot wants” do not inspire the trust of acquaintances and make their own lives very difficult. Psychologists help to cope with such inappropriate behavior, but your own effort can bring results. The main thing is that a person must realize that loved ones suffer from his spontaneous actions.
For example, if a woman understands that her every trip to the store makes a hole in the family budget, and things bought under the influence of impulse then gather dust without work, you can introduce a reasonable savings regime. To do this, before the next raid on the supermarket, you need to make a list of goods necessary for the purchase and strictly adhere to it. Then you should calculate the approximate cost of the purchase and put in the wallet an amount that is not much higher than the value received. Leave your credit card at home.
But fighting your desires is not always worth it. Sometimes they stimulate creative thinking, forcing us to find an additional income option that will help us acquire the ring we like without harming the family.
My own psychologist
Psychology can teach a lot: how to manage yourself, how to get rid of other people's influence, how to increase stress resistance. If it is not possible to contact a psychologist or take a course of psychotraining in person, you can ask for a consultation online, now many psychological support centers have their own websites. Another option is to independently study the literature on this issue.
The greatest value for any person is his calm state of mind. A person who has lost peace cannot live normally, realize his dreams and bring joy to himself and those around him. External restraint, the need to just hide negative emotions is not helpful, as stress is driven inside and accumulates, waiting for the hour when it can explode. In order for the house to be in order, it must be maintained. To live in harmony with your "I" and the whole world, you need to maintain your peace of mind.
Instruction
To keep your emotions in check in any given situation, use the old method: count to 10. When you're calm, you tend to make smart decisions, and it's no wonder that anger is bad. Under the influence of stress, we perceive the world around us painfully and at these moments we are very vulnerable.
Aspiration and uniqueness will help you. This is what you need to constantly grow above yourself, strive for. Develop your best qualities as much as possible. Self-improvement is a long and painstaking work. You must become spiritually richer, become more interesting not only for yourself, but also for you. It will come in very handy in times of need.
Do self-analysis. This means that you need to objectively yourself and your actions. Be as honest as possible with yourself. start small. If you have conflicts with others, then soberly assess the degree of your guilt and the guilt of your opponent. This will allow you to look as deeply as possible inside yourself and your own from different angles of perception of reality.
Helpful advice
Take a good look at your strengths and weaknesses.
Sources:
- 37 laws of self-control
The art of self-management will allow you to become a balanced and whole person who boldly goes through life and enjoys every day. To master this art, you need to observe your behavior in a given situation.
Instruction
Get positive emotions. Perhaps you like to watch chilling movies. But after several viewings in a row, you will start to flinch at any unexpected sound, such as a phone call. Therefore, try to focus on pleasant impressions, smiles and a positive mood. Communicate more with cheerful people and soon you will notice that you yourself become a cheerful person.
Of course, something can happen in life that overflows the cup of patience and makes you very upset or angry. At such moments, stay away from loved ones whom you may offend. Otherwise, all the anger will pour out on innocent heads, because no matter how you restrain emotions, they will still make themselves felt sooner or later. To prevent this from happening suddenly, allow yourself an emotional release: regularly go in for sports or any physical labor, go to a football match, where you can “cheer” for your favorite team, and at the same time relieve stress.
It is very difficult to control yourself during conflict situations or when you are provoked into aggressive behavior. In order not to turn the dispute into a bazaar, try to argue your answers and demand the same from the interlocutor. If you feel that you are starting to lose your temper, take a break, for example, take a sip of coffee. Speak firmly and decisively, but do not break into a cry, even if they shout at you. In this case, it is better to use a defensive reaction and, while such a loud monologue continues, imagine a noisy interlocutor with big ears or a clown nose. This will inevitably make you smile, which means it will help you relax.
Do something daily to improve yourself. The motto of all people who have achieved a lot in life was formulated a very long time ago and is quite simple: "Do not put off until tomorrow what you can do today." This life principle will teach you to be in time everywhere, to be, and it will also help you to see the results of your own work very quickly. Make plans and follow them, remembering to leave a place for a well-deserved rest.
How to learn to control yourself? This question interests many people. In a pickup truck, self-control is extremely important. It allows you to control your emotions, so you can better and faster seduce women.
Why a pickup artist needs to control himself
First, many guys experience strong. If you learn to control this fear, you can confidently meet women, as a result, you will have more sex in your life or a permanent girlfriend will appear.
Secondly, by owning your emotions, you can completely control the process of seduction. You will show perseverance or, conversely, restraint when necessary. For example, if a girl tells an ordinary guy that today she is going to a club with a friend and will not meet him, he will be offended by her and they will quarrel. If this person controls himself, he will not care about her campaign, he himself will go to a club with a friend or go about his own business. This will avoid unnecessary conflicts and that she communicates with a strong, balanced and independent man.
Thirdly, the ability to control yourself will provide your psychological comfort. You, realizing that girls' refusals, failures in the process of seduction, and in life in general, are only part of the overall process, which should not affect the achievement of global goals in any way. These goals can be - a happy personal life, financial independence and so on. Thus, the ability to control yourself will allow you to save your nerve cells and live healthy to a ripe old age.
- Consciously control your emotions. They should not dangle like a weather vane in the wind. You must be aware that if you are nervous, you are nervous; if you're scared, then scared. Your task is to understand that you can experience anything, and you cannot influence it. But your emotions should not shape your actions, which you do on your own. You may feel fear or anger, but despite this, you must act reasonably. Emotions should not influence your actions, you should do what is necessary in spite of them;
- Go in for sports. extra adrenaline. It also promotes the release of endorphins, which will improve your well-being and make it easier to control yourself;
- Get over yourself periodically. Consciously create situations that cause you fear or anger and overcome them. So you will learn to control yourself;
- Live positively. If everything goes well in your life, you will experience only bright emotions, and in this case it is much easier to control yourself than if your life is saturated with negativity.
It is difficult to give general advice to anyone who wants to learn to control himself. No two people are the same, no situations are the same. Someone is distinguished by high psychological stability, relatively easily endures physical and psychological stress, experiences or hardships do not knock him out of the saddle. And for another, even simple everyday troubles, small conflicts at work can permanently unbalance, worsen mood and performance.
Depending on the physical condition, health, success in personal and work life, mental stability can change significantly. Therefore, in each case, the recipes for its preservation are different and individual. Nevertheless, those who wish to learn how to control their emotions and mood, master quick ways to reduce excessive internal tension, can be recommended relatively simple methods of self-regulation, self-control and attention training.
Despite the seeming simplicity of the proposed exercises, mastering them and using them successfully depends on how seriously you take the exercises. Training should be carried out with the same systematic and perseverance as physical exercises. Only in this case can a significant increase in psychological stability be achieved.
1. Control of external manifestations of emotions
Take a closer look at your movements, posture, posture, hands, because the appearance is a mirror of our inner state. By correcting it, you can influence your mental state. Most often, we are hindered by excessive mental tension, which changes our appearance not for the better. Here are exercises that can be used to relieve excessive mental tension, for emotional relaxation.
- Start with the face. Look at yourself mentally - as if from the outside - or look in the mirror. Rid your face of unnecessary internal "clips". Inhale, hold your breath for 10-15 seconds. After exhaling, run your hand over your face, as if removing the remnants of tension, anxiety, irritation. Remember to smile - lift the corners of your lips up, “smile” with your eyes. Don't forget that your face looks more attractive this way.
- Mental tension can also manifest itself in our speech. Watch your voice, do not go to a very low or high timbre. With strong excitement, the pace of speech usually speeds up, the thought is ahead of its verbal expression. Given this, control the pace of speech, slowing it down has a calming effect.
- Do not allow yourself a “depressive” gait and posture: slouch, lower your head down, pull it into your shoulders. Check the condition of your hands, fingers. They must be calm. The nervous movement of the fingers not only exacerbates the tension, but also betrays your condition.
After such self-control over the external manifestations of the mental state, one should learn to control orientation of consciousness, i.e. distraction from emotionally significant situations, depressing thoughts and memories.
2. Management of neuropsychic tension and mood
To reduce it, you can use breathing exercises that involve a long breath hold. They are performed sitting, standing and lying down.
- Exercise 1. Take a deep breath, hold your breath (5-6 seconds), tighten the muscles of the body, then slowly exhale and relax all the muscles. Repeat 9-10 times, each time trying to increase the time for holding the breath, exhaling and relaxing.
- Exercise 2. Take a slow and deep breath, tensing your muscles. Pause - 2-3 seconds, then a quick exhalation and rapid relaxation of all muscles. Perform 2-3 minutes.
- To relieve tension, you can also use the squeezing and unclenching of the fingers, rotation of relaxed hands, feet, shoulders, head, microtension of individual muscle groups, all kinds of exercises to relax the muscles of the face.
- If you experience lethargy, you have reduced muscle and mental tone, then to activate the psychophysical state, you can use the following technique: while inhaling, relax all the muscles as much as possible, especially the face, arms, shoulder girdle, then make a “forced” (short, sharp) exhalation with strong and rapid tension of the muscles of the body, and then relax.
You can use techniques to improve your mood revitalize pleasant memories- "Reproduction of positive emotions." To do this, being in a comfortable position and closing your eyes, relax. Breathe evenly and calmly. Vividly imagine a landscape or a situation that you have associated with positive emotions, a sense of psychological comfort, for example, a walk in a shady garden, a quiet forest clearing, swimming in the sea, relaxing on the warm sand of a beach, etc. In other words, take it out of the “bank positive memories" that acts on you in a calming way. Against this background, say any phrase you choose that characterizes autogenic training.
“I am completely calm ...” (Remember the feeling of pleasant peace you have ever experienced.)
“Nothing bothers me…” (Remember the feeling of serene peace or tranquility.)
“All my muscles are pleasantly relaxed for rest ...” (Feel this relaxation, a comfortable posture should contribute to this.)
“My whole body is completely at rest...” (Remember the feeling of pleasant rest and relaxation when you lie in a warm bath.)
“I am completely calm (a) ...” (Think about peace and rest.)
This technique helps to turn to one's internal psychoenergetic resources to restore psychological "freshness", the state of "renewal". However, in order to use these resources, you first need to accumulate in your memory as many “resource” plot representations as possible associated with positive emotions, feelings of good mood, high performance and comfort. Therefore, form in advance for yourself a personal “bank of positive emotions”, plot images of situations that are correlated with vivid emotions and experiences of joy, success, happiness and spiritual well-being. Carefully store your "treasures" and often check if they have faded over time.
If you cannot get rid of unwanted emotions, use the technique recommended by the doctor K. V. Dineika (1987).
Lying on your back, relax your muscles, close your eyes, try to feel a state of languor and focus on unwanted emotion. As you inhale, mentally say, "I am consciously mastering the power of this emotion." Hold your breath and mentally say: “The power of this emotion is subordinate to me”, while sticking out and pulling in your stomach 3 times. While exhaling (through a slightly rounded mouth), say mentally 2-3 times: "I can control my emotions."
Then standing (legs apart) take a full breath, slowly raising your hands up. Stay in this position and do not breathe for 3-4 seconds (fingers clenched into a fist). After that, you need to quickly lean forward (legs straight), relax your arms down. Exhale sharply, saying a short "ha". Straighten up, inhaling and raising your arms up. Exhalation should be done through the nose, lowering the hands down. Repeat 3-4 times. Exercise must be performed 23 times during the day.
K. V. Dineika explains the effectiveness of this exercise by the fact that there is a reflex relationship between emotions and breathing processes. A slow, full breath promotes protective excitation, and the verbal formula during inhalation plays the role of a psychodynamic stimulus aimed at realizing the strength of an unwanted emotion that should be converted into positive energy. The movements of the diaphragm massage the solar plexus, which improves venous outflow from the abdominal cavity and the nutrition of the heart. Against this background, the spoken phrase strengthens the will and confidence in success.
3. Managing your mental state by shifting your attention
Attention is the most important condition for the successful implementation of any kind of activity. It is necessary for a person in his working, educational and everyday life - in everyday life, communication, during leisure. Without it, the integration of mental activity, the arbitrary and involuntary orientation of our consciousness is impossible.
Attention ensures the accuracy and completeness of perception, the ability to selectively extract the necessary information from memory, highlight the main and essential, make the right decisions. It also regulates the course of all mental processes and conscious human behavior. That is why attention training is necessary to strengthen memory, external and internal control, to develop the abilities of mental self-regulation, including the management of stressful conditions.
Attention exercises do not require complex equipment or a special room. They can be performed alone with yourself at any time of the day, if only there was an opportunity to be silent for a while and immerse yourself in your thoughts. The object of attention is your body or objects that are close or far enough away from you.
K.S. Stanislavsky proposed to conditionally divide the entire space of attention into four circles:
- large - all visible and perceived space;
- middle - circle of direct communication and orientation;
- small is your "I" and the nearest space in which it resides and acts;
- the inner is the world of your experiences and sensations.
Switching attention from a large circle to a medium, small and inner circle is a great exercise for training self-control. This is one of the techniques that can be used to relax, restore psychological stability and prevent emotional exhaustion. Switching attention allows you to rebuild the train of thought, the nature of sensations, reduce cognitive tension, thereby contributing to voluntary change and mental tension. Let's take a look at some of these exercises.
3.1. "Searchlight". Select any point in the large and a point in the small circle of attention. Imagine that you are able to send a beam of light with your eyes (like a searchlight beam) that can illuminate anything with colossal power and brightness. When the "beam" is aimed at something, nothing else exists, everything else is plunged into darkness. This "spotlight" - your attention! Now swing the “spotlight” from the first point to the second and back. The pace of strokes can vary from 1 second to several, depending on the degree of mastery of the exercise, i.e., the ability to catch each point with the utmost concentration of attention.
3.2. "Continuous Contemplation". In a comfortable, free position for 1-5 minutes, closely examine any object that is not too complicated, trying to find as many details as possible in it. In this case, it is allowed to blink as much as you like, but the look must remain within the subject. Repeat the exercise until you can keep your attention on it relatively easily.
3.3. "Rhythmic Contemplation". Choose any object - subject. While inhaling, gaze at it intently, illuminate it with an internal “spotlight”; as you exhale, close your eyes and try to erase the impression. Do the exercise 30-50 times. After mastering this rhythm, do everything in reverse: contemplation - on the exhale, "erasing" - on the inhale. You can change not only the rhythm, but also the pace of the exercise.
3.4. "Mental Contemplation". Without interrupting or briefly distracted by something, contemplate any object for 3-4 minutes. Then, closing your eyes, try to recall the visual image of the object in all its details. Then open your eyes and compare the "original" with the "copy". Repeat the exercise 5-10 times. The purpose of the exercise is to achieve a clear inner vision. Not everyone succeeds in such a task.
3.5. "Inner Spotlight". Being in a comfortable, relaxed position, focus your attention on any part of your body, “illuminate” it with a beam of a “spotlight”, switch off from external noises, extraneous thoughts, immerse yourself in the feeling of what you are contemplating (1-3 minutes). Staying in the inner circle of attention, move the "spotlight" to another part of the body, "get used" to this bodily sensation. In addition to training internal attention, this exercise promotes contact with your physical "I".
3.6. "Focus". Sit comfortably in a chair with your eyes open or closed. On command: "Quiet" concentrate your attention for 10-20 seconds on any point or part of your body. Then move your attention to another part/point closest to it. For example, consistently focus on the hand, finger, etc. The exercise helps to learn how to control attention and develop self-control.
3.7. "Mirror" . Sit straight in front of the mirror, without tension. Breathe evenly. Mentally mark a point on the mirror at the level of the eyebrows. Focus on it, look at the point without blinking, straight, without straining the muscles of the face. When the need arises to blink, you should rest, directing your gaze into the distance. After a long concentration on the point, the image of the face in the mirror begins to blur. Close your eyes and in your thoughts figuratively reproduce the pictures of nature, imagine yourself healthy, cheerful.
Positive thinking gives confidence to behavior in difficult situations. It creates the ground for overcoming life's stresses, because a person gets the opportunity to consider a difficult situation more sensibly and optimistically; mood and feelings are "fueled" by such resources as faith, hope and optimism.
Nothing underestimates the resources of stress resistance as much as your own insecurity, low self-esteem. Belief in one's own capabilities helps to mobilize the reserve capabilities of the human psyche. Self-doubt is manifested in actions, deeds, feelings, therefore it is very important to be able not to succumb to a bad mood, apathy, inactivity, always control yourself, believe in your abilities, find something positive in any circumstances.
Thoughts, beliefs, internal dialogue have a creative influence on the scenario of a person's life. They are manifested not only in behavior, feelings, but also in attitude and readiness to overcome life stresses.
To get started you need:
- Identify irrational thoughts and beliefs that cause or increase suffering and mental discomfort.
- Carry out self-analysis of the internal dialogue and eliminate from it all destructive speech turns, appeals to oneself (thought-images), in which doom, self-accusation, self-abasement, lack of faith and hope for success, which are imbued with a denial of support resources and overcoming stressful situations, are seen. For example, “I can’t change anything in my life”, “I always make mistakes and I can’t forgive myself for this”, “I don’t believe that my life can change for the better”, “I am unhappy and will always be like that ... ”, “no one can help me, all people are cruel and selfish”, “I have no strength ...”, “I don’t deserve anything good”, “no one wants to understand me, I will always be a lonely person”, etc. d.
- Replace them with constructive or positive ones that contribute to the mobilization of internal psychological resources and strengthen self-confidence. This will require the transformation of not only internal speech (dialogue with oneself), but also external speech addressed to other persons, society, the Universe (Table 1).
Table 1. Negative thinking rework
| Negative, irrational thoughts, non-constructive judgments | Positive thinking formulas, rational judgments, attitudes |
| I am annoyed by "stupid" customers I can't handle my annoyance | It's good that not all clients are difficult. My irritation is a manifestation of my great emotional energy, and I can learn to control this power. I can, if I want to, master the techniques of effective communication with "difficult" clients |
| Endless stress is terrible! | Stress is the aroma and taste of life (G. Selye) |
| My leaders demand too much from me | Leaders believe in my strengths and capabilities |
| My work takes too much energy from me | Each is given according to his ability. Many people have neither jobs nor as much power as I have. |
The positive thinking of an optimist finds a positive side in everything and, based on this, draws up a plan of action, starting from the present moment. In this case, life and events inevitably have their justified meaning. As Peter Lawrence said, “Dreams come true for optimists. Pessimists have nightmares."
Those who are fixated on past failures and predict the same for themselves in the future will not be able to turn the tide of events in their favor and fall into the “trap” of expected disappointments and new defeats. He who condemns himself, life and other people for past events misses the chance to develop in himself the most important resource of stamina - the quality of optimism.
The ability to think positively is your individual resource that can support you in any cognitively difficult and emotionally stressful situations.
They say different things about emotions: someone says that “emotions interfere with life”, others complain about their hyper-emotionality, others, against the backdrop of now popular books and articles on the topic of emotional intelligence, try to increase not only IQ (intelligence quotient), but also EQ ( emotionality quotient)… Emotions themselves are an indispensable thing, but sometimes they are too strong, and this harms both the “owner” and others.
I don’t really like the expression “keep emotions under control” (I see some kind of pressure on a person in it), but the fact remains that it is possible and necessary to control emotions and feelings. The ability to control oneself and keep a mind clear and free from momentary outbursts of emotions is appreciated in any situation and in any place: both at work and in the family. Today I propose to reflect on this topic: how to learn to control yourself?
Keep emotions under control: why do we need emotions at all?
Just in the days when this article was conceived, I watched the film "The King's Speech" about the deliverance of King George VI of Great Britain from stuttering. The plot does not talk about how to learn to control yourself, directly, but one thought seemed to me consonant. When the future king comes to see the doctor, he asks about his earliest memory in order to understand the reason why the duke stutters. The doctor assures that no one starts to stutter just like that.
And it's true - nothing happens just like that, everything has a reason, nothing appears from scratch.
A person who believes that he needs to learn to control himself most likely means that there are times when he is simply not able to control his emotions and feelings. He ceases to be the master of emotions. Emotions (often negative) become the master of him, and he becomes their hostage.
Why do these negative emotions arise? They have their own cause (sometimes it, like stuttering, is rooted in childhood), which cannot be ignored. The emerging negative emotion is a red light that signals: something is wrong, some need is not satisfied. Which? Your task to find it (perhaps together with a specialist) is not to ignore it, but sit down at the negotiating table with that emotion and discover: what's wrong?
I like Jung's words: “Depression is like a lady in black. If she comes, do not drive her away, but invite her to the table as a guest, and listen to what she intends to say. Jung talks about depression, but the words can be applied to any other disturbing emotion.
To be the master of emotions: to suppress or control?
Many people confuse and believe that suppressing and controlling your emotions are one and the same.. To suppress means not to consider important, not to pay attention, to forbid yourself to understand what is happening to me.
To manage emotions means to show them in the right place: after all, sometimes they are inappropriate, they can offend other people, they do not allow you to calmly think about the situation. Owning your emotions also means understanding and considering that sometimes too intense emotions are the result of lack of rest, lack of sleep, hunger, fatigue, illness ...
Learn to control yourself: 4 exercises
1. Start with the face. If you want to quickly get a negative emotion under control, then start with ... a change in face and facial expressions. How it works? Usually we want to defeat some kind of negative emotion - anger, irritation, etc. To remove it - you need to "change" your face, giving it an expression of the emotion you are striving for. For example, smile, straighten the wrinkles on your forehead, relax your jaw if you are angry or very upset. Then start breathing evenly, slow down the pace of speech, soften intonations.
The brain will be surprised at first: what is happening - everything is boiling inside, but the face and body express positive emotions? But then the internal state will “catch up” with the external one: with a smile and the right relaxed facial expressions, you can control your emotions. I like this method for its simplicity, and several times it helped me out a lot.
Smile - and the mood will improve, and emotions will return to normal
2. To make it easier to keep unacceptable emotions under control, become aware of their hidden meaning or meaninglessness. Fear, anger, the strongest resentment, terrible irritation, frustration ... Sometimes with such states a person pursues his goals - for example, to achieve attention to himself, help, get his own; and this is often done unconsciously. Observe yourself and answer honestly: what hidden benefits do you get from your own emotions? If they are not found, then ask yourself another question: why then, in fact, so worry, get angry, offended? .. In fact, these emotions will only harm the one who feels them - and nothing more.
The contemplation of water is calming in itself. No wonder restless people are advised to have an aquarium or a small fountain at home. 3. Visualize the emotion. A simple exercise will help you learn to control yourself: imagine your violent emotion in the form of fire - feel how big the fire is and how hot it is. Then visually bring down on this fire a huge jet of imaginary water - put it out so that not a single ember remains.
4. Use a sense of humor. Sometimes a sense of humor can relieve the tension of a particular situation, better comprehend it and, as a result, help to keep emotions under control. Don't beat yourself up, just laugh. Sometimes it can be difficult to joke and mentally laugh at this joke, especially if passions go wild - if you can’t use your own sense of humor, use the sense of humor of others: sit back and read funny jokes for 20 minutes or watch a video or movie that is terribly funny .
And you can not only learn to keep emotions under control, but also exclude reasons for the appearance and manifestation of negative experiences. For example, if you know that every trip to the market squeezes out all your strength, and you will definitely be annoyed by the slowness or persistence of sellers, choose a different type of purchase - buy via the Internet with delivery or entrust this responsibility to family members who do not have such a problem, how do you. If work causes such violent outbursts of emotions, then perhaps this is the signal to change it? Or maybe not only work, but also the field of activity?
What helped you learn to control yourself? Is it easy to keep your emotions under control?
In any situation, maintain inner calm, and make reasonable, balanced decisions even in difficult circumstances. A popular synonym for this concept is restraint. It is generally accepted that it is also a personality trait, a special character trait that indicates a person’s ability to control himself, which is valued in modern society, but not common to everyone.
Formation of quality
Self-control is such a character trait that you can instill in yourself. But not without difficulty. For its formation, a person must be distinguished by courage, determination and endurance. Without the ability to control your movements and behavior, nothing will work. People who are inherent in self-control are not only those individuals who are able to control themselves and their own speech. Above all, they manage to refrain from unconscious actions, control their desires, achieve their goals and give up something when necessary.
Such people successfully suppress such emotions as anger, fear, pain, fatigue. They are not prone to impulsive actions. They manage to keep cool even in the most controversial situations. Which is undeniably challenging given the pace and dynamism of life in today's society.
The Art of Owning Yourself
Quite often, this is how psychologists call the quality in question. However, such a property as self-control can be called art. The meaning of the word was mentioned above, but this is only a brief definition of it. The art of self-control implies the ability of a person to rational actions. But people are social beings. And in most cases, our actions are more emotional than rational. The ability to listen to the mind, and not to the heart, can be considered an art, or even a talent.
Such people are patient - they endure inconvenience and difficulties. They manage to abstain from the harmful (often very desirable) in the direction of the useful. They are calm, balanced, calm. And they also have a "rod". Even at the moment of the most seductive temptations and severe trials of life, they remain faithful and devotion to what is valuable to them.
In addition, self-control makes it possible to rule not only over oneself, but also over other people. A rational person who sees the world through the prism of self-confidence and calm is usually listened to.
self control
Everything described above can be understood by every person who is interested in the question "Self-control - what is it?". But some people have this quality, while others do not.
This is because it manifests itself at moments of emotional stress peak, which are accompanied by complex chemical processes in the body, as well as a kind of “response” of the brain and endocrine system to stress. Take, for example, the usual family quarrel. For some, it develops into a real scandal with breaking dishes, slaps and abuse. For others, everything is decided in a few minutes of calm conversation. It's just that some people are more balanced and less impressionable. Therefore, they manage to cope with stressful situations without much shake-ups for the nervous system.
Individual characteristics
It is difficult to overestimate such a quality as self-control. Its value is important, since it is this character trait that can help a person to facilitate his existence in modern society.
But the ability of a person to control himself depends on individual behavioral stereotypes, which include social and cultural attitudes instilled in a person from early childhood. We all regularly notice that something that is categorically unacceptable for some people is considered the norm for others. And therefore, it is not surprising that in the same situations individuals react differently.
Matter of habit
People develop immunity to everything. And stressful situations are no exception. A simple example can be given. If a person works with people for a long time and actively, then he is not surprised by their different behavior, emotional outbursts, and different reactions to something. He was used to this, and what he just did not see. And if at some point in everyday life he happens to encounter an aggressive evil person, then most likely he will only brush him off, saying a couple of relevant words, and forget about what happened.
But an individual who is accustomed to peace and tranquility in interpersonal relationships will behave differently in a similar situation. It is unlikely that it will do without experiences, an increased excited tone and subsequent reflections on what happened. And there are thousands of similar examples.
Well, based on all of the above, we can conclude. Self-control is not just a character trait. This is an indicator of the social and emotional maturity of the individual, the presence of which greatly facilitates the life of a person in society.
You can not hold back emotions, get angry, scream, laugh, cry out loud and resent loudly. Do you think anyone likes such sincerity? Only your enemies enjoy watching this spectacle. Learning to manage emotions!
Sometimes, succumbing to emotions or allowing ourselves to be led by false feelings, we do things that we later regret. At the same time, we make excuses that we have lost control of ourselves, so emotions have taken over the mind. That is, we did not control emotions, but they controlled us.
Is it really that bad? Perhaps there is nothing good in the absence of self-control. People who do not know how to control themselves, maintain self-control and subordinate feelings to their will, as a rule, do not achieve success either in their personal lives or in the professional sphere.
They are not thinking about tomorrow, and their expenses often far exceed their income.
Unrestrained people flare up like a match in any quarrel, unable to stop in time and compromise, which deserves a reputation as a conflict person. At the same time, they also destroy their health: doctors say that many diseases are directly related to such negative emotions as anger, etc. People who value their own peace and nerves prefer to avoid them.
People who are not used to limiting themselves spend too much of their free time in empty entertainment and useless conversations. If they make promises, they themselves are not sure whether they can keep them. It is not surprising that in whatever area they work, they are rarely professionals in their field. And the reason for everything is the lack of self-control.
A developed sense of self-control allows you to keep a cool head in any situation, sober thoughts and an understanding that feelings can turn out to be false and lead to a dead end.
There are situations when we need to hide our emotions in our own interests. “Sometimes I am a fox, sometimes I am a lion,” said the French commander. “The secret… is to know when to be one, when to be different!”
Self-controlled people deserve respect and enjoy authority. On the other hand, they seem to many to be callous, heartless, "insensitive chumps" and ... incomprehensible. Much clearer to us are those who from time to time "indulge in all serious", "breaks down", loses control over themselves and commits unpredictable acts! Looking at them, and we seem to ourselves not so weak. Moreover, it is not so easy to become restrained and strong-willed. So we reassure ourselves that the life of people who are guided by reason, and not by feelings, is bleak, and therefore unhappy.
The fact that this is not so is evidenced by an experiment conducted by psychologists, as a result of which they came to the conclusion: people who can overcome themselves and resist momentary temptation are more successful and happy than those who are not able to cope with emotions.
The experiment is named after Michel Walter, a psychologist at Stanford University. He is also known as the "marshmallow test" because one of his main "heroes" is an ordinary marshmallow.
In an experiment conducted in the 60s of the last century, 653 children of 4 years of age participated. They were led in turn into a room where one marshmallow lay on the table in a plate. Each child was told that he could eat it right now, but if he waited 15 minutes, he would get another one, and then he could eat both. Michelle Walter left the child alone for a few minutes and then returned. 70% of children ate one marshmallow before his return, and only 30 waited for him and got the second one. It is curious that the same percentage was observed during a similar experiment in two other countries where it was conducted.
Michel Walter followed the fate of his wards and after 15 years came to the conclusion that those who at one time did not succumb to the temptation to get “everything and now”, but were able to control themselves, turned out to be more teachable and successful in their chosen areas of knowledge and interests. Thus, it was concluded that the ability to self-control significantly improves the quality of human life.
Itzhak Pintosevich, who is called the "coach of success", argues that those who are not in control of themselves and their actions should forever forget about efficiency.
How to learn to manage yourself
1. Recall the “marshmallow test”
30% of 4-year-olds already knew how. This trait of character was inherited by them "by nature" or this skill was brought up in them by their parents.
Someone said: “Don't raise your children, they will still look like you. Educate yourself." Indeed, we want to see our children restrained, but we ourselves arrange tantrums in front of their eyes. We tell them that they must cultivate willpower in themselves, but we ourselves show weakness of character. We remind you that they must be punctual, and every morning we are late for work.
Therefore, we begin to learn to control ourselves by carefully analyzing our behavior and identifying "weak spots" - where exactly we allow ourselves to "bloom".
2. Components of control
The aforementioned Yitzhak Pintosevich believes that in order for control to be effective, it must include 3 components:
- Be honest with yourself and have no illusions about yourself;
- You should control yourself systematically, and not from case to case;
- Control should be not only internal (when we control ourselves), but also external. For example, we promised to solve the problem in such and such a time. And, in order not to leave ourselves a loophole for retreat, we announce this in the circle of colleagues. If we do not meet the announced time, we pay them a fine. The danger of losing a decent amount will serve as a good incentive in order not to be distracted by extraneous matters.
3. We write down on the sheet the main goals facing us, and put (or hang) it in a prominent place
Every day we monitor how we managed to move towards their implementation.
4. Get your finances in order
We keep loans under control, remember if we have debts that urgently need to be paid off, and reduce the debit to the loan. Our emotional state is quite dependent on the state of our finances. Therefore, the less confusion and problems in this area, the less we will have reasons to "lose our temper."
5. We observe our reaction to events that cause strong emotions in us, and analyze whether they are worth our experiences
We imagine the worst option and understand that it is not as terrible as the consequences of our inadequate and thoughtless behavior.
6. Doing the opposite
We are angry with a colleague, and we are tempted to say “a couple of kind words” to him. Instead, we smile affably and say a compliment. If we felt offended that another employee was sent to the conference instead of us, we don’t get angry, but we rejoice for him and wish him a happy journey.
From the very morning we were overcome by laziness, and - turn on the music, and take up some business. In a word, we act contrary to what our emotions tell us.
7. A famous phrase says: we cannot change circumstances, but we can change our attitude towards them.
We are surrounded by different people, and not all of them are friendly and fair to us. We cannot be upset and indignant every time we meet someone else's envy, anger, rudeness. We must come to terms with what we cannot influence.
8. The best assistant in mastering the science of self-control is meditation
As physical exercise develops the body, so meditation trains the mind. Through daily meditation sessions, one can learn to avoid negative emotions, not to succumb to passions that interfere with a sober look at circumstances and can destroy life. With the help of meditation, a person plunges into a state of calm and achieves harmony with himself.
“What is daily work on yourself?
It is primarily the habit of controlling one's thoughts,
instead of judging others."
A. New
Every day we are faced with situations in which it is necessary to "control ourselves." In order to successfully exist in the conditions of modern life, we often need to control our every step, every action and word.
Nowadays, it is difficult in any situation to be balanced and unflappable, to maintain self-control, not to explode, not to lose your temper, this is far from being the case for everyone and not always. But our breakdowns often have such dire consequences that it is simply necessary to learn to control ourselves.
It was once believed that holding anger, rage, irritation, that is, negative emotions, is harmful to health. Do you remember the time when, according to the recommendations of psychologists, Western employers installed stuffed heads in their offices or purchased inexpensive dishes so that in a fit of emotions they could throw another cup against the wall? The Japanese were the first to use this method of relieving tension and discharging from negativity, and they seriously believed that this would bring the desired result.
However, time goes by, and research scientists do not stand still. Now psychologists take the opposite position and believe that such measures not only do not bring benefits, but also contribute to an increase in the level of negativity, since this does not eliminate the conflict itself. The habit of taking out irritation on foreign objects, for example, breaking dishes or tearing things, increases a person's natural aggressiveness. Moreover, the further, the more difficult it is for such people to restrain themselves in general, because they are not used to doing this. Intemperance, both in society, at work, and at home, among relatives and friends, ultimately leads to a deterioration in relations, the position of a person in society and the rupture of social ties.
If you move away from the concepts of orthodox psychology, you can learn a lot of valuable things for yourself.
To date, hundreds of thousands of conscious, socially active representatives of various fields and industries from more than 200 countries of the world have supported the nationwide global initiative of the ALLATRA Global Partnership Agreement and the 7 ALLATRA Foundations. One of them is self-control:
There is no higher power for a person in this world than power over himself, because in the spirit there is a victory over the material world. Possession of oneself is more valuable for a person than possession of any earthly wealth of the world, because it opens the way to the knowledge of true Wisdom, which helps to free one’s mind from the niche of human fears, narrow vaults of the darkness of delusions, to rise above the mundane self, to overcome the firmament of material thinking, to discover boundless sphere of cognition of the Truth.
Where a person's attention is, there are his thoughts, words and deeds, there is a person's life - its end or beginning. Every person who knows how to control himself, commanding his thoughts and emotions, bestowing his boundless spiritual Love on people, is the richest and happiest person in this world.
How to develop a basic skill - self-control?
Self-monitoring plays a key role here. At first, this is a rough understanding - to restrain from an act, for example. Next, restrain yourself without giving rise to a thought that will lead to a reaction. Then comes acceptance and the person feels how the ego leaves, dissolves. In the future, nothing will remain of the ego - "you own nothing and you have nothing to lose." A good example is the parable:
“Once a man came to the Buddha and spat in his face. The Buddha wiped his face and asked:
Is that all, or do you want something else? Ananda saw everything and naturally became furious. He jumped up and, seething with anger, exclaimed:
"Master, just let me and I'll show him!" He needs to be punished!
“Ananda, you have become a sannyasin, but you keep forgetting about it,” said the Buddha. “The poor fellow has suffered too much already. Just look at his face, his bloodshot eyes! Surely he did not sleep all night and was tormented before deciding on such an act. Spitting at me is the outcome of this madness. This could be a release! Be compassionate towards him. You can kill him and become as crazy as he is!
The man heard the entire dialogue. He was confused and puzzled. The Buddha's reaction was a complete surprise to him. He wanted to humiliate, insult the Buddha, but, having failed, he felt humiliated. It was so unexpected - the love and compassion shown by the Buddha! The Buddha told him:
- Go home and rest. You don't look good. You've punished yourself enough. Forget about this incident; it didn't hurt me. This body is made of dust. Sooner or later it will turn to dust and people will walk on it. They will spit on him; it will undergo many transformations.
The man cried, wearily got up and left.
In the evening he came back, fell at the feet of the Buddha and said:
- I'm sorry! The Buddha said:
“There is no question of me forgiving you because I was not angry. I didn't judge you. But I am happy, immensely happy to see that you have come to your senses and that the hell you have been in has ended. Go in peace and never fall into that state again!”
Through practice, a person comes into contact with the Spiritual world. He feels joy, love and fullness, that is, those states that in everyday life we call in one word - Happiness. Here, a choice opens up before a person: to acquire sensory experience further, or to return to "round and round" and continue to look for answers in matter.
And if a person chooses the path of transformation, then at the first stages he will need the ability to control himself, namely, to track and control his thoughts every day, analyze and make a choice.
