Several children in the family: the subtleties of education
If there are several children in the family, you most likely try to be fair to each of them. But is it right? After all, children, no matter how hard we try, still find reasons to accuse us of an unfair attitude. Are they just trying to manipulate us?
The conclusion suggests itself that children simply want to be at least sometimes divided into separate individuals, to see each individual as an individual, and not to constantly generalize “you are the same with us, we love you equally”. Stop putting an equal sign between them. Let's take a look at a few real cases.
1. There are three children in the family: two older twin boys and their younger sister. The girl is indignant every evening that she is put to bed earlier than her brothers. The parents solved this problem in the following way: they instructed the boys to pretend that they go to bed with their sister, and after she falls asleep, the brothers continue to play and go about their business.
Is this the right approach? On the one hand, the daughter calmly fell asleep without resentment and quarrels with her parents. On the other hand, it is we, the parents, who should raise children, and not they us.
In this situation, one had to be adamant. Explain to your daughter that little ones go to bed earlier than slightly older children. And when she grows up, she will also be able to go to bed later.
A compromise could be reached by an agreement that the girl is allowed to take her favorite toy to bed with her, but her brothers are not.
2. Another case in the same family. The daughter has a severe cold. She was very sick, but she tried not to be capricious, she drank the prescribed medicines. Dad decided to please his daughter and buy her a doll that she had long dreamed of. He went to the store, but along the way he thought about what to do with his two older children. After all, if he brings a gift only to his daughter, the boys will think that her dad loves more.
As a result, on reflection, the father bought a not so expensive doll for his daughter and gifts for his sons. As a result, a gift for a sick baby has lost its original meaning.
If you think carefully, it will become clear that this was not worth doing. After all, the daughter at that moment really needed parental care more than her brothers, she needed a special attitude. And the boys had to understand and accept this. After all, on holidays, when everyone is happy and cheerful, mom and dad give gifts to everyone, they don’t offend anyone.
An adult must correctly navigate when all children need to be treated equally, and when one of them should be given a little more attention and care.
Parents raising several children should remember that each of the children is an individual. Each of them has its own character and needs. It will be fair to shape your relationship with your child, taking into account these important factors.
On the topic: methodological developments, presentations and notes
"ABC for parents". A few rules for parents in raising children.
Dear parents! We all love our children, but it is no wonder that sometimes we can forget very important rules in raising our children. And I would like to remind you of some of them .........
Advice for parents on environmental education "A few tips for parents on educating a child with respect for nature"
Ecological culture should be instilled in a child from early childhood.
Consultation for parents "A few tips for parents on raising a child to respect nature."
Advice for parents on environmental education....
Advice for parents "A few tips for parents on raising a child's respect for nature"
How to carry out environmental education, what to pay attention to children on a walk at different times of the year, how to help parents instill in children a love of nature ....
Advice for parents on environmental education. "A few tips for parents on educating a child to respect nature."
Every person on earth should take care of the protection of nature. Because we are not a separable part of it. An ecological culture must be instilled in a child from early childhood. Remember that a person is himself ...
Several children in the family: the subtleties of education
If there are several children in the family, you most likely try to be fair to each of them. But is it right? After all, children, no matter how hard we try, still find reasons to accuse us of an unfair attitude. Are they just trying to manipulate us?The conclusion suggests itself that children simply want to be at least sometimes divided into separate individuals, to see each individual as an individual, and not to constantly generalize “you are the same with us, we love you equally”. Stop putting an equal sign between them. Let's take a look at a few real cases.
1. There are three children in the family: two older twin boys and their younger sister. The girl is indignant every evening that she is put to bed earlier than her brothers. The parents solved this problem in the following way: they instructed the boys to pretend that they go to bed with their sister, and after she falls asleep, the brothers continue to play and go about their business.
Is this the right approach? On the one hand, the daughter calmly fell asleep without resentment and quarrels with her parents. On the other hand, it is we, the parents, who should raise children, and not they us.
In this situation, one had to be adamant. Explain to your daughter that little ones go to bed earlier than slightly older children. And when she grows up, she will also be able to go to bed later.
A compromise could be reached by an agreement that the girl is allowed to take her favorite toy to bed with her, but her brothers are not.
2. Another case in the same family. The daughter has a severe cold. She was very sick, but she tried not to be capricious, she drank the prescribed medicines. Dad decided to please his daughter and buy her a doll that she had long dreamed of. He went to the store, but along the way he thought about what to do with his two older children. After all, if he brings a gift only to his daughter, the boys will think that her dad loves more.
As a result, on reflection, the father bought a not so expensive doll for his daughter and gifts for his sons. As a result, a gift for a sick baby has lost its original meaning.
If you think carefully, it will become clear that this was not worth doing. After all, the daughter at that moment really needed parental care more than her brothers, she needed a special attitude. And the boys had to understand and accept this. After all, on holidays, when everyone is happy and cheerful, mom and dad give gifts to everyone, they don’t offend anyone.
An adult must correctly navigate when all children need to be treated equally, and when one of them should be given a little more attention and care.
Parents raising several children should remember that each of the children is an individual. Each of them has its own character and needs. It will be fair to shape your relationship with your child, taking into account these important factors.
Popular site articles from the section "Dreams and Magic"
|
If earlier, while there were two children, the situation could be controlled in one way or another - in one hand of one, in the other - of the other, now, figuratively speaking, there are not enough hands.
And until new ways of managing arise and working parenting techniques are found, it can be very difficult for parents.
What problems can arise at a time when a family is just becoming a large family, and what recommendations can be given to resolve them?
Rejection by older relatives of the number of children in the family
There is such a law in family psychology: it is easy for grandparents to accept the number of children in young families that does not exceed the number of children they themselves gave birth to. There are exceptions, of course, but they only prove the rule.
Therefore, do not be surprised and try not to be too upset if one of your relatives did not express joy at the news of the birth of the third grandson. You can even hear harsh words of condemnation in such a situation. And it can be very difficult for parents to deal with resentment.
But, as experience shows, when time passes and this third baby grows up, grandparents, who found it difficult to accept the news of his birth, begin to love him and participate in his upbringing no less than it was with older children.
The traditional hierarchical structure of a large family
Many modern families are characterized by detocentrism, that is, a focus on the child - the king of nature, and his needs. With such a family structure, the needs of precious children are met at the highest level, but adults can be perceived as servants, and children have a high chance of growing up to be selfish.
But just from the time when there are three children, such a family arrangement ceases to be viable.
It becomes clear that parents are the main people, they are more important than children in the family.
Dad and mom become the "ruling elite", more or less democratic, and the children form the "people". And it doesn't hurt them at all. They occupy a normal childish subordinate position. After all, parental power is not despotic, it is based on love. And children grow up much more calmly when they are firmly convinced that adults know how, what and when to do. Children develop much better when they are not overwhelmed by the choices and attentions of their parents and the ambitions and aspirations of the family.
Children's and parent areas
The dominant position of parents should be confirmed by the presence of some, albeit a very small, personal zone. And the point here is not only the total number of square meters per person in the family, although, of course, crowding can exacerbate problems in relationships. We are talking about the fact that not the whole apartment or house turns into a nursery, knee-deep littered with toys and parts from designers. And if you do not clearly distinguish between children's and adult zones, this will definitely happen, because toys tend to crawl around the apartment, and almost no one likes to clean them.
It is better for parents to clearly agree with their children about where toys “live” and where they do not live.
In addition, in my opinion, even with a minimum amount of space in the apartment, an inviolable zone should be allocated for dad - at least in the size of an armchair.
It’s also good if mom’s zone is not only the kitchen, but she has her own calm and cozy corner.
There may be such a law in a family - if a person is in his personal zone - no one tries not to touch him.
The fact that parents are also people, they need rest and they have their own desires and needs, children must clearly understand.
Family laws and child-parent agreement
The first and most important law is that in a family, parents are more important than children.
The second - parents are also people, not service personnel.
Third - there are times and situations when adults want to be without children.
And all sorts of "little laws":
The needs of the pope are met first.
First the baby, then the older children.
The oldest has more responsibilities, but also more privileges.
Everyone in the family has the right to be alone. No one should be against their desire to play with others.
Your family may have its own laws that differ from those that I have named, but it is important that they are clearly formulated (and in those families where there are children who read, even written down), and that each of the children, starting from 3- x years of age, knew them and tried to comply.
And most importantly, adults should not have disagreements about what is possible in the family and what is not. Otherwise, it will be very difficult for children to comply with these laws. Contradictory demands of parents often give rise to bad behavior of children.
Parents are the main
Very often, with the birth of a third child, the time of the liberal-democratic, and even conniving style of upbringing in the family ends. If the parents of this "powerful bunch" do not take power into their own hands, the life of the family risks turning into chaos.
It was not for nothing that many primitive peoples considered it this way: one - two - many.
When there are many children, slightly different methods of education and forms of government are used. And parents first intuitively begin to use new educational techniques, and only then they notice this and begin to reflect on this issue.
Parents should in every possible way show their children that they are able to cope with a situation of any degree of complexity without internal hysteria and screaming.
If you roll a stroller and two trailers are attached to it on both sides, you will have less opportunity to ask about the wishes of each of the children. You would rather just tell them exactly where you will go for a walk today. Will children suffer from this? Rather not - it all depends on the form of presentation and on the mood of the mother. In most cases, children easily accept certainty on the part of their parents, if this certainty does not contain aggression and ill will. Children are comfortable when next to them is someone calm, big and in charge.
Normal amount of parental attention
Since there are three children, each of them gets a normal amount of attention, not an excessive amount of attention from their parents. The fact is that normal dad and mom are “programmed” not for one child at all, but for at least 2-3.
There are a lot of children, and after all, children, as you know, are gaseous creatures. They take up all the space provided to them. One child claims full parental attention, two share it, three sometimes take their parents by storm.
Do not try to give all three of them all the attention at the same time - this is technically unrealistic, and besides, not a single parent's heart can withstand this.
On the contrary, the more children in the family, the better they play with each other, because they have the opportunity to choose playing partners, and the psychological space becomes wider. Of course, these words refer to the time when the third child grows up and becomes a full participant in games and pranks.
Personal time for everyone
Children in large families greatly appreciate individual parental attention.
That little time when dad or mom does not have to share with anyone can be a serious encouragement for children, much better than candy.
The special position of the eldest of the children
The eldest child is the only one who remembers his "royal" position - when he was the only one, and he did not have to share parental attention with anyone.
The older child, as a rule, should become an adult quite early. Brothers and sisters born after him do not let him back into the psychological niche of a baby for a minute. And sometimes he just wants to be small. This is a normal desire of the elder to sometimes be a baby, parents need to understand and not condemn too harshly.
The dangers of being a "parentified child"
If an older child is overwhelmed with the responsibilities of taking care of the younger ones, he may begin to be burdened by the fact that he has brothers and sisters. Therefore, his help to you, parents, should be dosed and correspond to his age capabilities. A preschooler cannot rock a stroller with a baby for too long. A schoolboy can have fun playing with a baby for no more than half an hour. The older child should have the right to his life, his time and hobbies. Then he will voluntarily and freely begin to deal with the kids. And you will not instill in him from childhood an aversion to housework and sitting with children.
1st and 2nd are the same team.
Shortly, 2-3 months before the birth of the third child, it is worth uniting the eldest and youngest child in one room and try to make their sleep and wakefulness modes synchronous. It will be psychologically easier for the second child, who has now ceased to be the youngest, to accept the third child if the eldest takes him to his company. How to implement this technically depends heavily on the age of the children and the age difference between them.
Try to come up with different activities for the two older children. When the third baby is born, the two older ones form a team, and the distance separating this team from the parents increases. If two elders feel good and interesting together, they will become less disturbing to their parents and demand attention to themselves.
A mother of several children needs to be something of a crowd entertainer, who is always ready with several options for activities or ideas for games that can captivate older children.
Independence of older children
It is important to try to make this “older couple” as autonomous as possible at their age. If the kids can clean up the nursery on their own, great. If you can bathe them together and even leave them in the bathroom for a while, great. If your children are able to go to bed on their own, you will have the opportunity to at least talk a little with your husband.
The more things your two elders are able to do on their own and peacefully, the better you cope with your parenting responsibilities.
Ability to delegate functions and powers
Maybe it sounds somehow too complicated and scientific, but in fact we are talking about a rather simple thing - mom and dad of three or more children do not have to do everything for everyone themselves and do everything in time. On the contrary, parental effectiveness in a large family largely depends on the ability to redistribute responsibilities and share affairs. Even preschool children can help their mother significantly both with the housework and with the baby. It is only important that this help be feasible and not look routine.
Housekeepers live and mechanical
Now that there are several children, that is, many, you can really afford all the household help available to the family. If you have someone to shift the general cleaning, ironing and routine cooking - do it without a shadow of a doubt. Then the chances that each of the children will get a little parental attention increase.
Learn to deal with situations when hands are not enough
The main thing that parents of three children will have to learn is to accept the situation when there are not enough hands without panic. Some things can be learned to look at easier.
You can review the priority system and decide what you do at the beginning, and what you may not have time to do at all. In some situations, you can easily turn to relatives or your husband for help. Something older kids can do just fine.
Mom and dad of three children in about six months may be surprised to find that their life positions have changed in many respects. They themselves have become different and the behavior of older children has changed significantly - they have become more organized, independent and sane.
But if six months have passed since the birth of the third, and the mother is still in a state of collapse or prostration, and the children have become more whiny, aggressive or neurotic, then this is a reason to turn to a specialist.
Don't raise the bar too high
Often at the time when the third child is born, the eldest or older just start going to school or attending various classes. And in a big city, as we know, transporting children to schools, studios and circles sometimes requires just a full-time driver.
If you start to overstrain, making a tight schedule of moving from one children's center to another with a baby in a car seat, you will have little strength to communicate with children, and the smallest sleep rhythms may be disturbed and the nervous system exhausted.
Tell yourself honestly that you are not able to do everything, focusing on the standards of a family with one child. There is a popular proverb “you can’t jump above your head”. However, parents of three or more children often try to prove to themselves, their parents and everyone around them that they can do everything on their own.
It is very important not to overstrain, because being parents is a long time.
And a few more tips
Try to make the life of older children rich and structured.
Try to transfer the second, that is, the former junior, under the tutelage of the elder.
Emphasize in every possible way that they are not rivals, but a team.
Do not make an older old man and your main assistant overloaded with responsibility.
It is important for a mother to be alone with the baby for some time.
Perfectionism and striving for perfection - no!
Resign yourself to the fact that you can’t do everything, and things in the house will never end.
If there are several children, it is important to correctly place accents and choose priorities, separating the important from the unimportant.
Do not try to manage everything and participate in everything, it is better to give the children game ideas and housework in time
Find an opportunity at least sometimes to get out somewhere without a baby with the elders. They greatly appreciate such outings.
The main thing is that the parents survive. Leave power for yourself and your husband. Remember that parents are primary and children are secondary. Don't be too sacrificial parents.
If there are several children in the family, it is necessary to take into account the peculiarity of the situation of each. It is usually believed that if there are several children in a family, then such a family has educational advantages compared to a family where there is one child. It would not be worth objecting to this, if some parents did not believe that these advantages are formed by themselves, and did not lose sight of the fact that here there are also difficulties of their own, "underwater reefs" that must be skillfully bypassed.
Let's start with the possible benefits. Older children, without suspecting it, take on some of the educational responsibilities of adults and sometimes perform them even more successfully than dads and moms. Younger children, as it were, are drawn to the older ones - and, as a rule, they begin to speak, read, and count earlier. Older children turn out to be a guide for them, a model that they are able to follow. No wonder they say, albeit jokingly: the parents themselves bring up the older children, and the older children bring up the younger ones.
Older and younger children spend a lot of time together - walking, reading, watching TV. Children develop the habit of sharing with each other, sympathizing with sisters and brothers. But all this - only in cases where parents are not mistaken in their attitude towards children. Here are some common mistakes
The eldest is sometimes deprived of parental affection - after all, he is "already big." But the younger one is "still small" - there are fewer requirements for him, and more attention.
What is the result? The younger one will quickly feel the privilege of his position and will not be slow to take advantage of it. Spoiled children are most often the youngest in the family, and they become "tyrants" not only in relation to their parents, but also in relation to older sisters and brothers.
This situation does not go unnoticed for the elder either - we are not talking about the direct disadvantages of his position. But it happens that everything turns out to be deeper - the elder has a grudge against his parents, alienation, and he begins to experience unkind envy towards the younger.
Therefore, it is important to weaken guardianship over the younger in time, to demand from him more and more independence, activity. And if you find special forms of care for the younger, then the elder should see that they are also taking special care of him, but in a different way.
Of course, the opposite picture is also possible - the elder is always the leader, all the best for him, and the needs and interests of the younger ones are ignored - figuratively speaking, they wear out the clothes of the elder. Can't say it was fair. In general, the sense of justice should never leave the parents. To have a "favorite" among children (or at least give a reason to think that there is one) is completely unacceptable. From this direct harm to the "darling", and his sisters and brothers, and the parents themselves.
