There should be no place for hatred in happy married couples. But sometimes this feeling creeps into the relationship of two people, the wife understands: “my husband hates me” - or vice versa. People in such a marriage sooner or later become unhappy, women are especially worried about this. They feel uncomfortable being in such a relationship, they want to fix the situation and keep the family together. But the question arises - how? How to deal with hate in marriage?
Women are by nature empathetic and attentive creatures. They feel subtly if a man began to treat them differently. So what if your spouse hates you?
Step 1: Analyze the situation.
Don't confuse hatred with indifference. Analyze the behavior of your husband, the state of your marriage, understand yourself. Often, after many years of marriage, married life becomes mundane and boring. As you know, any senses need nourishment. If it is not there, they gradually fade away. To prevent this from happening, a marriage needs regular emotional recharge. However, in this case, in a couple, there is an ordinary indifference to each other, and not hatred at all.
Step 2: Identify and root out the causes of hate.
If, after analyzing the situation, you understand that the husband feels hatred towards you (inattentive to you, aggressive, harsh and rude in words and actions), then you need to understand the reasons that led to this. Often, several factors in the aggregate are to blame.
Possible reasons for a husband's hatred:
- You stopped taking care of yourself. Men love with their eyes. Your husband should feel proud that you are his life partner. To do this, you must always look stunning. If this is not the case, if you stop taking care of yourself, the husband, of course, will be unhappy.
- You spend too much time on your work. Your man may simply not have enough attention, care and affection. Once he chose you to serve him as a reliable rear. And in the end, you disappear day and night at work and do not devote time to him at all. Of course, the man won't like it.
- You stopped admiring your husband. A man should feel indispensable next to his woman: he should be her protector, best friend, educator, lover - the whole world. If you stop admiring your husband, he will stop feeling that you need him. And it will make him angry.
- Daily scandals. It doesn't matter who acts as a provocateur. If you throw tantrums, you need to learn to control yourself. If the husband - to be able to curb his impulsiveness. You are the keeper of the hearth, it is your responsibility to maintain a friendly atmosphere in the house. If it is not there, your husband's hatred of you is easy to explain.
- Once you have been very guilty. Often there are serious quarrels in the family. In conflicts where the wife's guilt prevails, the husband seeks the strength to forgive her. But this is not easy for everyone, especially for serious mistakes like treason. People can say that they have forgiven, but inside they conceal resentment and anger towards a person. Perhaps your husband hates you precisely because one day you were seriously guilty, and he could not truly forgive.
- The spouse is naturally aggressive. If your husband has a quick-tempered, impulsive nature, then his outbursts of anger and hatred towards you are easy to explain. He naturally does not know how to control himself, and the slightest irritant causes a hurricane of negativity in him.
- The spouse has problems at work. Many people do not know how to leave work problems at work and bring them home. Your husband may have a conflict with his boss, and he takes evil on you when he comes home.
- The spouse is cheating. If your man has a mistress who is most likely younger or more attractive than you, then he will see your shortcomings sharper and clearer. They will begin to annoy him, cause anger and even hatred.
Once you've identified the causes, root them out. If it was you, put yourself in order. If the spouse is guilty, talk to him calmly, express everything that you are dissatisfied with. Come to a common solution as a true loving couple. If both you and your husband appreciate what you have worked so hard to create together, it will not be difficult for you to solve this problem.
Step 3: See a psychologist.
If for some reason you could not come to a common decision, your husband's hatred does not fade away, then you should contact a specialist. A psychologist will evaluate the problem from the outside, will be able to identify the true cause of the current situation and will help you to improve your relationship with practical recommendations.
Step 4: If the situation does not change, file for divorce.
If after many attempts to combat your husband's hatred you do not see any result, he continues to show aggression, insult, reproach, and even worse - beat, file for divorce. If in a couple only you want to save the relationship, and the man does not meet halfway, the marriage is doomed. So why scoff at yourself and try to preserve that happiness that has been gone for a long time?
How to deal with hatred of your husband
Sometimes women face the opposite problem. Having lived for many years in marriage, they suddenly realize that hate their husband ... How to be? Still, women often try to maintain a relationship in any situation. They feel sorry for the emotional and time resources they have invested. So what to do if suddenly you feel hatred for your husband?
Step 1: Don't be surprised, but here, too, you need to analyze the situation first.
You can confuse hatred with fatigue, overexertion, anxiety. Perhaps your work is taking up too much of your time or the children are so intolerable that they constantly need an eye and an eye for them. You do not give yourself even a minute to rest, and your beloved man begins to annoy you. In this case, it is not hatred, but simple fatigue. Once you give yourself the right to rest, your emotional state will stabilize and family life will return to normal. If outbursts of anger cannot be explained by anything other than hatred, then this is a problem and needs to be addressed.
Step 2: Check how you feel.
Perhaps your spouse has offended you in some way. And you cannot deal with the negativity you feel towards him. Imagine your life without your husband. Close your eyes, sketch this situation in your head and believe in it. Then you will understand exactly how you feel, and whether your hatred is really that strong.
Step 3: Learn to forgive.
Many women are simply intolerant of other people's shortcomings. Perhaps, over time, your husband has a little more of them (a beer belly appeared, earned less or became more rude). And you cannot accept it. However, you need to understand that everyone has flaws and even you. People need to be able to put up with it, be able to forgive and find compromises. Only by expelling your categoricalness, you will get rid of hatred.
Step 4: Talk to your husband and root out the causes of hatred.
The reasons for your negative attitude can lie both in you and in your husband. In any case, this needs to be discussed. If you both value each other, it will not be difficult to resolve this conflict in dialogue. The main thing is to be honest and open to criticism.
How to deal with hatred of your ex-husband
When a marriage falls apart, women are often unable to cope with their hatred of their ex-spouse. They do not want to bear the burden of negativity, but they simply do not have enough strength to pull themselves together. How to be? How to stop hating your ex-husband?
Step 1: Answer the question honestly, who is to blame?
If the husband was the initiator of the separation, then you are subconsciously angry not with him, but with yourself. In this case, the ex-husband is the scapegoat. It's easier to hate him than to admit your own guilt. If you honestly tell yourself that you yourself caused the divorce, common sense and logic will help you stop hating a man. If the reason for the divorce was the husband's misconduct, his behavior, then your emotions are understandable.
Step 2: Forgive and let go.
If the ex-husband is to blame for the divorce, then in order to stop hating, you need to forgive him. Trite, but true. Forgiveness is not easy, and, apparently, you have not yet crossed this step. But understand that the very heavy burden that you feel is not hatred, it is resentment. And hate is just a side effect. If you find the strength to forgive and let go of a person, then hatred will go away along with offenses.
Step 3: Don't think.
Your thoughts are your enemies. If you constantly think about how your ex-husband acted horribly, you play angry speeches about him in your head, then you will never overcome hatred. You need to stop thinking about him. To do this, occupy yourself with something else: go on a trip or go headlong into work. Let your thoughts be occupied with something more useful and constructive.
Step 4: Fall in love.
Love inspires and makes us happy. Happiness and hatred cannot live in one head. So fall in love! And completely immerse yourself in this feeling. Then there will be no strength, no time, no desire to hate your ex-husband.
What does the history of male infidelity look like? Despite the fact that different men cheat on their wives with different women, the essence of cheating is the same.
In a relationship, passion is smoothed out, tension disappears, a habit arises. If children are born in a family, then sex becomes more rare, less violent. Spouses lose the ability to indulge in desire freely, at any time, anywhere. They become “attached” to the home and to the children's daily routine.
Identifying adultery is almost always easy. In the relationship, there is a sharp cooling on the part of the cheating spouse, the husband avoids talking with his wife, and not only heart-to-heart conversations, but even insignificant chatter at breakfast. The husband seems to be avoiding his wife, not looking into her eyes when communicating, as if afraid to betray himself. He may start nagging his wife.
In addition, the unfaithful spouse always has a lot of things to do outside the home - he is involved in overtime work, sent on business trips, asked to help with the move, repairs, etc. In addition, betrayal leaves a financial trail, because the mistress expects bouquets, elite sweets, expensive wine, evenings in a restaurant, gifts. A password appears on your phone, tablet or computer that did not exist before.
By comparing these facts, the wife can pin her spouse against the wall with circumstantial evidence and receive from him a confession of infidelity. Only the fact is that not every wife really wants this recognition. Most women want to know only one answer - categorically negative.
What does a wife feel when she finds out about her husband's betrayal
The first feeling is stunning, dullness, lack of perception. The brain refuses to accept what the husband has changed, betrayed, deceived. Then a reaction develops - tears, screams, hysteria, alienation. Later, a sharply negative attitude towards smearing was asserted, up to and including hatred.
Hatred is one of the strongest negative feelings that can destroy a person experiencing it from the inside. Because of hatred, everything good that happened between the spouses is depreciated, life seems disgustingly unpleasant, marriage is perceived as a heavy cross. In the most difficult situations, hatred of the husband also spreads to children. The son gets from the mother because he looks like his father. Daughters - for the fact that she loves her father in spite of everything. This is a vicious circle that begins and closes in the negativity experienced by the mother towards the father. Children have nothing to do with it, but they are the ones who suffer more than others, even more than a deceived mother, because they love both parents and it hurts them to understand that their father somehow offended their mother, and offended them so much that the house now resembles a battlefield.
Yes, a deceived woman has the right to take offense at her husband, she is angry with him, but hatred for him must be stifled radically for her own sake and for the sake of her children.
The woman is torn apart by internal contradictions. On the one hand, she wants to keep the family, keep the father to the children. On the other hand, she no longer believes her husband, is angry with him, has lost interest in him sexually.
This is where the roots of conflicts come from and undermine an already shaken relationship. If, moreover, the husband behaves as if nothing had happened, does not smooth out the aggravated corners, does not try to regain his wife's trust and love, then the marriage is slowly and confidently moving towards collapse.
Claims accumulate - everyday, personal, sexual. Finding no way out, they work like an explosive device, blowing everything around, leaving no stone unturned from family life.
What to do if you hate your husband because of his betrayal
If a woman realizes that she hated her husband, she needs to correct this attitude towards him. If this is not done, hatred will destroy not only marriage, but also relationships with children, parents, friends, and also introduce significant discord in a woman's relationship with herself.
Even if the wife does not remember her husband's betrayal every day, the very fact about her is firmly embedded in her memory and prevents her from building adequate relationships with herself and with her husband. She feels in her soul a dull irritation, rejection, bitterness of resentment and realizes that she has not forgiven her husband and is hardly able to forgive him (even if this is not so, hatred prevents a woman from realizing that she has mentally forgiven her husband).
The wife does not trust her husband, she can no longer share her thoughts and feelings, experiences and sensations with him. In addition, the confidence that next to her there is a solid and reliable male shoulder, on which she can lean in difficult times, has probably disappeared.
A bitter thought all the time comes to mind about how cruelly and meanly her husband treated her. Then, when the wife was arranging life, earning money for the family, nursing a newborn child with sleepless nights, caring for elderly relatives, etc., the spouse spent time for his own pleasure with a strange woman, whom he gave his attention, affection, tenderness.
Sometimes such thoughts form the conviction that a woman is no longer living with her husband, but with an enemy who needs to be destroyed, trampled, and chafed. And from a loving, understanding wife, she is reborn into a sarcastic evil fury that starts the house, stops cooking and washing for her husband, breaks down on children, sinks to screaming and insults.
Sometimes a woman chooses such tactics so that her husband himself leaves her. To break off the relationship she lacks neither spiritual ooze, nor courage. So she waits for her husband to get tired of living like on a powder keg and file for divorce himself or pack up her things and leave the house.
Many women believe that if they demand a divorce from a traitorous husband, then they are, as it were, guilty of the disintegration of the family, that the children will be left without a father, that they could not save their marriage, although in fact, in fact, the fault is completely lies with the spouse. But if the husband leaves, then the initiative is his and his fault is also his.
How to remove hatred for your husband from the heart
The first letter contains all the reproaches and grievances directed at the spouse. All insults, all mocking attacks in his direction, all dirt and all bad things should find a way out in these letters. There may be several of them. Each must be written intuitively, without re-reading. And immediately after writing, tear to shreds and burn. This is not some magical ritual. Ripping letters will give peace to the soul through the employment of hands. And burning will create the impression of complete destruction of the negative that has accumulated in the wife's soul.
After that, you need to write a letter of forgiveness to your husband, which should reflect all the positive aspects of the relationship with your husband from the very beginning. You need to thank him for something, rejoice at some of his victories and achievements. There can be many of these letters too. With each new letter, peace will reign in the soul and the attitude towards the spouse will even out.
It so happens that a woman develops a persistent physical rejection of her husband. He even starts to smell unpleasant for her. She avoids any physical contact with him, does not want to touch him. The thought of kissing, hugging, intimacy with her husband is disgusting to her. The body shrinks almost to painful cramps from any sexual urge on the part of the husband. In especially difficult situations, the wife even develops gynecological diseases. So the psyche fences off the body from sex with a hated partner.
Fighting these manifestations is vital. You need to visualize your hatred. To do this, you need to present your hatred as it is felt. What does it look like - in the form of a shapeless coma, a ball, a bunch of needles? What color is it? Where does it concentrate - in the head, in the throat, in the chest, in the stomach?
From the point of view of psychology, this clot of pain and hatred is part of the woman herself. And you need to treat it carefully and carefully, like other parts of the body. Psychologists advise to imagine that a pair of hands has appeared that gently and carefully remove a foreign element from the body and put it on the table.
The extracted element must be examined with an inner glance and asked questions:
- Are you part of me or part of another person?
- Why are you disturbing me?
- Why would I be angry about you?
The answers received are a reflection of the woman's attitude to herself in the situation she found herself in because of her husband's infidelity.
It often happens that a woman is aware of the disturbing foreign element, as a part of herself that is sick or dying, which arose as a punishment for the fact that she allowed her husband's betrayal, which is in her body, so as not to let her forget about the betrayal, because the woman at the subconscious level, she is sure that if she forgets about the betrayal of her husband, then in this way she will betray herself.
All these feelings need to be visually removed from the lump and carried out until the lump dissolves.
A woman can understand that she did everything right according to her state of health. Lightness should arise in the body.
If you cannot cope with the problem on your own, you need to contact a psychologist. Staying alone with your hatred is dangerous both for the psyche and for physical health.
Today I am 30 years old. Earlier on Saturday we sat in absentia with my husband in a cafe. Yesterday evening he got drunk on his beer again, sat watching a movie. I say, eh, it's my birthday, and you, as always, will sleep until one o'clock, and I have two children on me, and there will be no flowers or coffee in bed for me.
Well, as a matter of fact, he works from home, rarely goes to the office. He always gets enough sleep until he wants to, and I get up in the morning, wash the younger one, change the diaper, feed them and then go to the house. He doesn't help me around the house at all. NO utensils, no cooking, nothing. It is customary in their family, a woman should do everything. I understand when a husband is at work from morning to night. BUT mine gets up at one o'clock, two days, goes to bed at 3-4. He gets up at one o'clock, I make him breakfast, he goes to his office to work. He finishes at 8 and sits playing games.
God, why can't you, at least on my anniversary, get your ass up early, let me sleep, wake the kids up, feed them, buy me flowers. I'm so offended! I remember my last DR, my younger daughter was still quite a crumb, two months old, he then left us to sleep in the corridor on the sofa so that she did not interfere with him, and I ran all nights in a row with her in my arms, restless child, colic, well, everything know what it is. And then it was also my birthday. I didn’t sleep with the boy all night, the day before I asked him to buy me flowers, I love white roses. FIG. I get up, he is asleep. And he hears me walking and does not get up. He gasps out. I was hysterical then, I sobbed in the bathroom. He slept through the alarm clock and my flowers.
And now ... I woke up, my daughter needs to change her diaper from sleep, I tell the eldest, go tell dad (he is sleeping in his office) to change the diaper, she went and told him, and he says, let mom get up and change. I got up, washed, changed, fed everyone. There was a pile of dirty dishes in the sink, and empty beer bottles in my husband's room. I went into his room to plug the Internet into the network, he yelled that you were opening the door so loudly! I snapped well and answer Bitch! How did you give me! This is my birthday anniversary.
I am writing all sorts of nonsense now, but it hurts so much, it hurts so much! Damn, why when I walk in the face, or on a corporative, the men turn their heads (I’m not lying now and I’m not filling myself with a price), in my life there were hundreds of porclonniks who filled up with flowers, took them to fireworks in the middle of the night, made all sorts of surprises. I am used to attention, I know that God has endowed me with natural beauty. I am a good hostess, I always have a lot of food, my apartment is cleaned. And I am so offended that I married a man who doesn’t need all this, I don’t feel like a woman next to him. I'm a man, a tranny, anyone but a woman. Now he came up, let's make up. But I can not. The whole house is always on me, a three-room apartment, completely all life and two small children who do not go to the garden yet. Is it really so difficult for my wife to have a day at least once a year, or at least in the morning? At such moments I hate him and I really think to go to a dating site and find myself a lover. I know, then such thoughts will pass, but now it hurts.
Hate is a dangerous feeling that can cause great harm to mental health. It is especially bad when a person hates the one with whom he is constantly around. Women often live with their husbands for decades and feel extremely unhappy.
“I hate my husband, but I live with him” ...
It is good if hatred for a once loved one manifests itself in the early stages of marriage. In this case, many decide to disperse.
It is worse when a woman reveals dislike for her husband after several years of marriage. In this case, several factors stop the divorce:
- The presence of common property. Today, many young couples take out a mortgage or relatives donate housing on the occasion of their wedding. It is morally difficult to imagine a lawsuit on the carve-up of your beloved apartment and joint property;
- Fear of being unnecessary. After a divorce, ladies are terrified that they will not find a new husband;
- Children. Perhaps the most home the reason that stops a woman from divorce. After all, it will be difficult for a child to grow up in an incomplete family or with a “new” dad.
An apartment or household appliances is not something for which it is worth putting yourself under constant stress on a daily basis. Hatred just provokes him, which then leads to neuroses and depression.
Is it worth living in a good apartment with a modern refrigerator and stylish furniture, but constantly exhausting yourself with stress?
You can safely disperse even with the fear of being unnecessary. Psychologists are sure that a divorced lady has as many chances of finding a new life partner as the one who did not live a family life.
Girls often fill their heads with negative thoughts themselves and begin to alienate new boyfriends, looking for a bunch of flaws in them and fearing a new divorce.
The only thing that should stop you from divorce is a child. Leaving your husband is only worth extreme cases. For example, when he regularly drinks, assaults or has another objective flaw.
The presence of an unpleasant character trait or annoying habits should not be the reason for the psychological trauma of a child that occurs during a divorce.
The origins of female dislike
Before ending a relationship, it is worth looking for the reasons for hatred. They are often quite commonplace:
- Husband's terrible habits;
- Gentle character;
- Frequent cheating;
- Aggressor in a relationship.
Some girls claim that they did not know about the disgusting habits of their beloved. They allegedly manifested themselves only with the beginning of family life. Their ideal person in all respects suddenly began to snore suddenly, chomp loudly while eating, regularly make a mess, etc.
In fact, these disadvantages were simply not noticed a girl in a period of love, when feelings are dizzy. These are not just nice words, but physiological features.
When hugging, kissing, having sex, and sometimes just being close to a loved one, the brain actively produces endorphins. These hormones of happiness give a young couple a feeling of happiness. But they often get in the way of noticing negative habits.
Not all girls like an agreeable and kind character. Some people want a macho who is ready for decisive actions and knows how to firmly defend his point of view.
Sometimes a spouse first "molds" from a compliant hubby a convenient person who agrees in everything, and then is indignant at what a mattress he is.
When a man often walks on the side, it insults his soul mate. Coldness and indifference appear in a relationship. After all, a man finds affection and just pleasant emotions on the other. The fact that almost everyone becomes aware of his betrayal adds fuel to the fire of hatred.
The hardest thing is for girls who have linked their lives with the aggressor. Such tyrants find a reason to find fault with everything. Even when fists are used, the spouse continues to endure and even justifies the faithful in front of relatives and friends.
Sometimes she has the courage to tell him about the divorce. In such cases, the aggressors change dramatically and beg to save the family. Unfortunately, most often they are enough for a maximum of a month. Then the unfortunate woman again faces threats, scenes of jealousy and assault.
When a woman just doesn't love
The reasons listed above apply to men. But sometimes the spouse herself falls in love with the other, or she simply does not feel emotional closeness with the other half.
This happens in cases where a girl gets married because of convenient circumstances, and not for love. For example, a good candidate turned up who looks after beautifully, successfully builds a career, and even all friends and family praise such an enviable groom.
In this case, a woman sometimes manages to find happiness “on the side”. She is quite satisfied with a calm family life, combined with periodic intrigues. But nevertheless, the most honest option would be to admit to her husband that she does not feel feelings for him and wants to leave.
How to stop hating your husband?
When the cause is found, the problem begins to be worked out. In the case of a husband's bad habits, psychologists advise reconsider your attitude to the situation. Indeed, for a representative of the strong half of humanity, who without hesitation chomps at the table and throws socks, all this is an indicator of trust ... He can afford to be natural and he is pleased if his spouse accepts him this way and does not try to fix it.
If a woman is not satisfied with a husband with a weak character, then she should imagine the macho behavior that she has always dreamed of. He will not adapt to the interests of the "woman" and will spit on her whims. Therefore, it is worth appreciating your husband for who he is. In addition, many gentle-tempered men are excellent family men.
What to do in the case of a man-womanizer? This is more complicated. Some ladies manage to attract their husbands with a variety in their intimate life, others begin to share his interests and find common topics for conversation. All this brings a married couple very close and allows a man to forget about the desire to look for vivid emotions on the side.
With an aggressor who cannot imagine a day without assault, an urgent need to part. It is desirable not to give an opportunity to beg for forgiveness on his part.
Going to a psychologist to solve a problem
If attempts to reconsider the attitude towards your husband have not been crowned with success, then it is worth contacting a family psychologist. Do not hesitate to ask a professional for help. This is better than being in constant stress and not feeling happy in family life.
In many cases, a few sessions are enough to determine the root of the problem and build relationships.
I hate my husband's relatives
A separate painful topic is the dislike of the beloved's relatives. Especially if they constantly climb with advice and morality. The best method would be to reduce the importance of these people.
Girls are often offended when her husband's relatives directly or indirectly point out her shortcomings. No need to wait for approval or go into conflict.
Ignoring complaints solves two problems: their own tension decreases and relatives realize that it is impossible to influence the wife, to whom it is “useless to say something”. It is enough to ignore the remarks on deaf ears.
Seeing the opponent's indifference, a person often loses interest in further escalation of the conflict.
In the end, we can say that every problem has a solution. If hatred for your husband interferes with your life, then you shouldn't try to suppress this feeling in yourself or let off steam with scandals. You should identify the reason for the hostility, and then try to change your attitude towards the husband's shortcomings and even find positive moments in them.
Video: how to overcome hatred of your husband
In this video, psychologist Natalya Loseva will tell you how to overcome your dislike for your husband and again perceive him normally:
