LIZ BURBO
SENSITIVITY AND SEXUALITY
Thanks to everyone who attended my conferences and seminars. I was able to create this series of books only because of your desire to improve your life, your interest in the philosophy of “Listen to Your Body” and your questions.
Many thanks to all the wonderful people who publish and distribute my books.
INTRODUCTION
In this book, I tried to answer questions that I am often asked at conferences and seminars by men and women just like you.
The purpose of this small collection of questions and answers is to help you put into practice the ideas that I have already explained in some detail in my previous books. If you have not read them, I strongly recommend that you do so before continuing with this book.
To get the most benefit from this book, try to answer each question yourself first before reading my answer.
You'll certainly notice that women ask questions much more often than men, but don't let that fool you: most of the questions asked by women could very well have been asked by men.
In addition, you will notice that I constantly refer to the method of deciphering beliefs, which is described in detail at the end of this book. I do this on purpose because many of you begin reading my books with the questions that interest you most.
I also often talk about true forgiveness, one of the most important concepts in the Listen to Your Body philosophy. The stages of true forgiveness are described in detail in my other books, in particular in the sixth book in this series - Emotions, Feelings and Forgiveness. Try to read these books. When I talk about emotional wounds received in childhood, I mean psychological trauma caused by feelings of rejection, abandonment, betrayal, humiliation and injustice.
Some of the questions in this book touch on very important and broad topics, so you will find them in my other books. Since sexuality is directly related to love and spiritual intimacy, the first book in this series, “Intimate Relationships,” will also help you establish sexual relationships. The questions and answers it contains complement the material in this book.
All the answers you will read in this book are based on the life philosophy that I teach at the Listen to Your Body training center. My approach to sexual problems is based on the idea that each person is absolutely responsible for his own life, so you will have a hard time accepting some of my answers. I believe that the spiritual aspect plays a much larger role in sexuality than the physical.
I will not claim that I know the correct answers to all your questions. However, before you say to yourself: “This answer will not give me anything,” make at least three attempts to test it in practice. Don't let your mind and laziness deceive you! Let your heart decide, not your fear.
If you are guided only by personal experience and do not recognize anything new, do not be surprised that there is so little change for the better in your life.
Want improvements? So choose new thoughts and new sensations!
Good luck to you! With love,
Liz Burbo
Part 1. Sensuality and sexuality
I try not to show my husband how much I love him because I'm afraid he won't respond as passionately and I'll feel humiliated. Is this normal?
You have a very strong ego and it prevents you from showing love to your husband. The ego loves to consider itself right and blame others for everything. Apparently, some part of your personality does not want to be fully revealed - perhaps due to the fact that there have already been cases when your husband did not react warmly enough to manifestations of your love and you felt humiliated. This is very bad, because you are depriving yourself. You are preventing yourself from enjoying a more harmonious and tender relationship with your husband, although, apparently, this is exactly the kind of relationship you are striving for.
Don't forget the proverb: what goes around comes around. Take courage and show your husband all your love and tenderness. How to do this - decide for yourself.
Also try to understand that your spouse may show their love in their own way, not necessarily in the same way as you do. If you don’t notice any manifestations of love on his part at all, talk to him about it. Explain to him that you love him very much and therefore feel humiliated because he does not show his love for you in any way. Understand that to truly love someone means giving that person the right to be different from you.
Besides, who makes you feel humiliated? Are you sure that your husband is deliberately humiliating you? Whatever happens, you yourself create a feeling of humiliation in yourself and must be aware of this.
I am always very attentive to my partner, but he treats me with disdain. He acts like the ultimate egoist. How should I behave to change the situation?
If your partner does not want to give you attention, this does not mean that he is selfish. An egoist takes care of his own interests, while neglecting the interests of other people. If you demand attention from your partner when he is not ready to give it to you or is absorbed in something else, this is real selfishness. Perhaps you show attention and consideration to your partner only in the hope of getting something in return. A person may refuse to fulfill the wishes of another person not because he is selfish, but because he knows the limits of his capabilities and respects his own interests.
Have you asked yourself why you are so attentive to your partner?
What happens if you pay less attention to him?
What are you afraid of? That he will stop loving you? That he will consider you selfish?
Perhaps you force yourself to be attentive and helpful only out of fear of seeming selfish. This fear leads you to the point where you begin to blame your partner for selfishness. After answering the questions I listed above, you will certainly talk to your partner. Explain to him why you force yourself to be attentive and considerate towards him.
Find out from him how he perceives your attention. Doesn't it seem excessive to him?
Does he like your attention? Maybe he feels awkward because he simply is not able to pay you as much attention as you pay to him? In principle, he is not obliged to do this.
This is the lesson you need to learn - about acceptance. Look within yourself and try to accept and love this person for who he was - physically, mentally and emotionally. Then you will find that you can accept yourself, and your weight will no longer be a problem for you.
Perhaps when you were younger, there was someone in your life whom you loved, whom you admired, and this person was very fat. If you admire some qualities of this person, accept him without regard to physical characteristics.
Weight problems that have plagued you since birth may be related to a past life. Like other congenital physical defects, this one may be necessary for you to complete the lessons given to you in this birth. Learn to love and accept yourself as you are. You must go through life this way until you understand the message being sent to you or the reason behind the physical, mental or emotional deficiency.
It happens that a person who is handicapped from birth is miraculously completely healed - which is usually associated with a deep spiritual revelation. And problems of excess weight are no exception. No one should go through life blaming everything on “karma” from previous lives. Only you can decide when to end this.
Problems with weight often arise in spiritually aspiring people, because their souls vaguely remember other dimensions and passionately strive there. It is often said about such people that they are “not of this world.” They subconsciously strive to be in a better place. These people may not consciously think about suicide, but some part of them would prefer not to be here.
Excess weight to some extent allows them to gain a stronger foothold on Earth. The message they receive is something like this: "Please accept your presence on Earth once and for all. You have a purpose here - you must learn to love and accept yourself and others." If this is your case, try to look around and see the beauty of nature. Start loving yourself and accepting your place in the Universe.
Excess weight can also be explained by the fact that you receive more than you give. Are you afraid to open up to others? Perhaps you have walled yourself off because you feel vulnerable. Do you share your thoughts and feelings openly, or do you feel like others should go through the same pain as you and "learn the hard way"?
Your superconscious mind knows thousands of ways to convey a message to you - so learn to hear it and be aware of what it is telling you. Messages may appear as pimples, redness or rashes on the body, overt or subtle illnesses. Learn to notice them.
Take a closer look at what's going on inside you. Get to the bottom of the cause - the effect will take care of itself. Diets do not solve the problem - they are only temporary help, and besides, they all contradict the natural flow of processes in the body. A drinker drinks to forget about his problems. But the next morning all the problems are back with him and the hangover seems even worse.
Diets also lead to similar results. Even if you managed to temporarily lose weight, the cause of obesity has not disappeared and will continue to bring you constant internal dissatisfaction. If you want to achieve your ideal weight once and for all, look for the reason and work with it.
Remember: you should not be concerned about how long it may take to achieve your goal. Learn to follow the rhythms of your body. It is much more important that you learn to be your own master and, ultimately, the master of your own destiny.
So, if you are serious about losing weight, forget words like “diet” and “dieting”. Nobody is breaking anything. If you think that you are breaking your diet, then deep down you are still on it and allowing your mind to control your body's decisions.
If you feel like you are “breaking your diet,” ask your body for forgiveness. Say: "Forgive me, ruma, for the cruel treatment. I gave you too much food - I did not listen to you. I am trying my best; be patient - you and I have the same goal." By working side by side with your body, you will be protected from the unnecessary feelings of guilt that often accompany “dieting”.
Exercises for Chapter 11
Make a list of all the foods you are currently depriving yourself of. Include there those foods that you would like to eat or drink, but you cannot decide to do so for fear of gaining excess weight. Admit that some part of you is still “on a diet.”
- Embrace the idea that you can eat what you want, whenever you want. This is your body. You don't have to answer to anyone but yourself.
- Start listening carefully to what your body is saying about its needs. Try to become aware of any “predilections” you have and determine their basis. Before you eat anything, ask yourself if you are really hungry and if this is the kind of food that will benefit your body. Eat mindfully.
- Remember that self-programming with the words “don’t” and “shouldn’t” can only lead to the emergence of obsessive ideas. Such words will lead you to a result directly opposite to what you were trying to achieve.
- Repeat the above affirmation as often as possible and move on to the next chapter.
I accept myself as I am now. My great inner strength helps me achieve and maintain my ideal weight.
Chapter 12. Sexuality
This topic has always been very sensitive. Oddly enough, even in this day and age, very few people truly accept their sexuality. The number of underlying psychological and spiritual factors that come into play during sexual expression makes the issue very difficult and confusing.
Our sexuality plays a fundamental role in our entire being. Thanks to it, we have the opportunity to express our deepest self - just the thought of this makes most people feel uncomfortable.
From generation to generation, the word “sex” evokes fear and guilt in a person. Just recently it was considered synonymous with the word “sin” - especially in Catholicism. Confessionals were open so that one could openly confess one's sins and seek atonement. But thoughts about sex or sexual acts performed were simply not mentioned.
We carried with us a feeling of guilt both for committing these “sins” and for not confessing to them! Quite a strange position, especially considering that sex is a fundamental biological act that ensures the reproduction of the species!
Sexual intercourse is the physical expression of the greatest fusion on Earth - the fusion of Soul and Spirit. The main goal of a human being is to achieve the merger of his lower body with his higher body. This is why sexual intercourse is so important. The soul feels a deep need to achieve union with the Spirit - an act that culminates in unimaginable bliss.
It is for this reason that on the deepest level we expect a lot from the sexual act, but often experience disappointment on a denser plane. This disappointment and misunderstanding of sex passes from generation to generation.
Parents interfere with the sexual development of their children by passing on to them the characteristics of their sexual experience. Due to an incorrect understanding of sexuality, a split arises, which leads to obsession and denial - and this is the best soil for the development of feelings of guilt!
Relationships based solely on sex are fragile. The longer a couple maintains a friendly relationship before engaging in sexual intercourse, the stronger the relationship will be.
The number of sexual problems - both male and female - is enormous, and various diseases of the genital area can serve as evidence of this. Problems with menstruation indicate that a woman is denying her sexuality. Menstruation is a natural biological function of the female body and should not cause discomfort. We are created perfect, there is no reason for suffering.
Human beings have enormous reserves of sexual energy, and it cannot be constantly directed towards sexual intercourse. This is the primary creative power of man. It is very important to realize and use it that way. Representatives of older generations did not understand the power of sexual energy, so their creative abilities were significantly lower.
Compared to the lives of the younger generation, their lives were more monotonous and devoid of inspiration. That's why they were so preoccupied with thoughts of sex. Often sex brought only disappointment, and sexual energy remained unused.
Modern life offers many more ways to express this fantastic energy. Look at the boys and girls - they confidently express themselves with their clothes, hairstyles and entire demeanor. The difference between then and now is the acceptance of this manifestation.
Typically, girls are more likely to feel guilty about sex than boys. Women, unlike men, still find it unacceptable to bare their breasts in public places. Single women do not feel safe at night because they are afraid of sexual assault. Girls can get pregnant, but boys cannot. Sexual expression has far greater consequences for women than for men.
On a subconscious level, there are numerous sexual taboos. We need to get rid of them, because suppressing our desire to express ourselves prevents us from achieving satisfaction and inner peace. As children, we make important decisions about sex that we carry into our adult lives.
If a child catches his parents during sexual intercourse, their reaction can have a big impact on his attitude towards sex. By punishing him for “peeping” or trying to pretend that nothing is happening, parents let the child know that they are doing something bad.
Between the ages of three and six years, a child may develop an Oedipus complex. At this time, children begin to realize their sexual energy: the boy falls in love with his mother, and the girl with her father. Moreover, this love extends to all levels, including the physical.
The boy begins to feel jealous of his father, he is strangled by contradictory feelings: on the one hand, he admires his father, on the other, he would like to take his place next to his mother. If a mother allows a boy at this age to sleep in the same bed with her, he is embarrassed. It's time to gently explain to him that he is "already big, that he has his own room, and mom and dad have their own."
Abundance cannot be only material, and if it can, it will not last long. Monetary, material wealth acquires its true meaning only when the inner, spiritual world of a person corresponds to it. The fifth book in the “Liz Burbo Answers Your Questions” series is dedicated to one of man’s greatest temptations – wealth. How to survive? How to feed yourself and your family? How to ensure prosperity? How to get rich? How to achieve abundance and how to bathe in it, without being tormented by remorse? Everyone has their own position and their own trajectory on this huge...
Intimate relationships
Genre: Home and familyThis little book from the series “Liz Burbo Answers Your Questions” is dedicated to the problems of intimate relationships between a man and a woman, the causes of conflicts, quarrels, resentments and disagreement in the lives of married couples. The author gives very specific, simple and convincing answers to a wide variety of questions from listeners. These answers consistently build on the "Listen to Your Body" concept outlined in Liz Burbo's previous books.
Responsibility, obligation, guilt
Genre: Home and familyGuilt is one of the main reasons for all the troubles, illnesses and other misfortunes of modern man. To get rid of this feeling, you need to deeply understand its essence and causes, and for this, first of all, understand the concepts of responsibility and obligation. Using well-known, typical examples, Liz Burbo thoroughly and clearly reveals the dialectic of a person’s responsibility - to himself, first of all. Removing the illusion of guilt means taking a great step towards revealing your divine essence.
Parent-child relationship
Genre: Home and familyLiz Burbo is the author of three big bestsellers: “Listen to your body, your best friend on Earth”, “Who are you?” and autobiography "Wow, I am God!" She founded one of the largest centers for personal growth and development in Quebec. Together with her like-minded people, she conducts seminars, conferences, and gives lecture courses in various cities in Canada, the USA, Europe and the Antilles. In this book, Liz Burbo pays attention to the most difficult and at the same time the most common problems and conflicts that arise between parents and children. All questions are divided...
Five traumas that prevent you from being yourself
Genre: Science, educationIn this book, Liz Burbo talks about the personal responsibility of each person - responsibility not to someone, but to himself, to his soul, to his own health. Any mental trauma inflicted on anyone, you inevitably inflict on yourself. For a long time. So suffering is passed on from generation to generation; they are not even realized because they are considered commonplace. From childhood traumas, from habitual suffering, massive, universal suffering grows and takes the form of social, state, and world crises. Liz's quiet voice...
Listen to your body - again and again
Genre: Home and familyIs life suffering? Life is hard? Is life difficult? Down with these ancient shackles! Life should be, and maybe, and will be simple materially, rich spiritually and full of joy, movement, harmony. Who will bring all this to us? Not prophets, not leaders, not learned intellectuals. Only ourselves. Each individually and all together. How to achieve this? The book talks about this simply and convincingly.
Listen to your body, your best friend on...
Genre: Home and familyHere is a book that will help you take absolutely real steps towards improving your life, peace with yourself and your environment, health and well-being. This book is designed to help you become the master of your life. Seemingly simple exercises and meditations can lead the reader to a deep and comprehensive transformation - you just have to sincerely want to change. We ourselves create the reality in which we live, and no one and nothing prevents us from being happy - only ourselves. This book will help you understand and overcome obstacles in...
In this book, Liz Burbo pays attention to the most difficult and, at the same time, the most common problems and conflicts that arise in the relationship between parents and children. All questions are divided into two classes - from the position of children and from the position of parents. The author’s simple and clear answers make the book not only easy and interesting, but also very useful in practical terms.
Great Encyclopedia of Essence
"The Great Encyclopedia of the Essence" is conceived as a reference book dedicated to self-knowledge and the discovery of the spiritual world. It contains over 500 articles, arranged in alphabetical order to make it easy to find the terms you need.
All articles have one important common feature: they relate to the sphere of essence, being. This is a certain set of practical tools with which we can manage the state of our being, finding peace and harmony in our own soul and in relationships with others.
Fears and Beliefs
The book is mainly about fear. Fear of crowds, fear of decision making, fear of illness and relationships. Fear, which leads to the realization of what we fear. And of course, this is not just a description of our fears and “beliefs.” Liz Burbo, as always, offers a simple and clear way to change your attitude towards fears and change your life for the better.
Listen to your body - again and again
Is life suffering? Life is hard? Is life difficult? Down with these ancient shackles! Life should be, and maybe, and will be simple materially, rich spiritually and full of joy, movement, harmony. Who will bring all this to us? Not prophets, not leaders, not learned intellectuals. Only ourselves. Each individually and all together. How to achieve this? The book talks about this simply and convincingly.
Liz Burbo - all books 1 file
Listen to your body, your best friend on Earth
Listen to your body - again and again
Parent-Child Relationship
Money and abundance
Sensuality and sexuality
Fears and Beliefs
Responsibility, obligation, guilt
Intimate relationships
Your body says "Love yourself"
Great Encyclopedia of Essence
Intimate relationships
This little book from the “Liz Burbo Answers Your Questions” series is dedicated to the problems of intimate relationships between a man and a woman, the causes of conflicts, quarrels, resentment and disagreement in the lives of married couples. The author gives very specific, simple and convincing answers to a wide variety of readers' questions.
Love love love. Fragment
About different ways to improve relationships, about accepting others and yourself.
Watching with passion the development of the characters in this book, you will see what incredible results true love and acceptance lead to. You will also be able to understand the difference between acceptance, humility and submission and learn about the different sides of love - parental, friendly, possessive, passionate love and unconditional love...
This unique book will sharpen your sensitivity and guide you through various situations that you face in your life.
Five traumas that prevent you from being yourself
In this book, Liz shows that all problems at the physical, emotional and mental level begin with five major mental traumas: the trauma of being rejected, abandoned, humiliated, as well as the trauma of betrayal and injustice. This book will allow you to independently heal your mental traumas, as a result of which you will achieve the main thing - become yourself.
I really love Liz Burbo's books and Maria Aber's trainings! In my opinion, the author of the training has a very keen sense of the essence of Bourbo’s methodology and knows how to present it in an accessible way, understandable even for a person without a psychological education, and wonderful exercises help to quickly move from theory to practice.
Rita R., Podolsk
This book literally reborn me! Just think - for three decades I lived with these fears, with this pain inside and was even afraid to look inside myself, to come closer to it. I lived and could not understand why I was so unlucky. The training filled me with strength - I was able to cope with my pain, I was able to accept myself and actually change my life!
Igor S., Samara
I always knew that the causes of my problems were rooted in childhood, but so what - no one could give me any advice on how to deal with it. Thanks to Maria Aber: thanks to her book, I was able to do this myself! It turned out that “loser” is not a death sentence. It's just a mask! And it's not that hard to take it off!
Maria B., Moscow
Maria Aber's book is an excellent guide for those who want to learn how to communicate with other people so that this communication is joyful and useful. If you want to have many friends, get along with colleagues, build wonderful relationships with relatives (including the relatives of your “other half”!) and, most importantly, with your loved one, then this book is for you. She helps me a lot personally.
Sergey B., Voronezh
This book is a must read for all parents! Then in 10–20 years there would be much fewer adults who would need to work with childhood traumas...
Anastasia B., St. Petersburg
Universal book! Love, friendship, work, money, health - no matter what you have problems with, you will find answers to all questions in it!
Timur D. Kazan
Maria Aber
Preface
At a certain point in life, many people come to a sad thought: it’s not possible to live the way they want.
“It’s too difficult to live the way you want,” these sad people say. - This is scary. We must start all over again. Others won't approve. The family won't understand. It just doesn’t happen that way.”
Indeed, there are many good reasons “against” trying to arrange life according to your own understanding. And literally a couple of reasons “for”: for example, desire to be happy... Refusing to even try, people become increasingly sad, gloomy, and sick. They look back and understand that it was worth taking a risk, trying, doing it. There was no need to follow fears, formalities, patterns, toxic relationships with others... Oh, if only!..
However, this sad story can have a good ending, and here's why. Try to create the life you want – happy, successful, full of love, – it's never too late.
In her advanced years, Burbo is full of activity, energy and curiosity: she travels around the world with seminars and trainings, speaks at conferences, writes articles and books. Bourbo's students and followers regularly conduct seminars on her system in different countries, including Russia.
The Liz Burbo system was initially based on the idea that through establishing a dialogue with one’s own body, in cooperation with it, a person would recognize and then become aware of himself, his true needs, desires and abilities.
Inspired by the works of Alexander Lowen, Wilhelm Reich and other classics of body-oriented therapy, Burbo dedicated body, body capabilities And body consciousness more than one book. However, gradually the idea of the relationship between the mental and the physical in the interpretation of Liz Burbo expanded into a life-forming concept: Burbo invited readers to ask serious questions.
For example, like this:
Why am I living?
Why am I not living the way I want?
What does it mean to be “responsible for your life”?
Why is it difficult for me to be sincere with loved ones?
What is hidden behind anxiety and apathy?
How do I know what I really want?
Liz Burbo invites her followers, like-minded people and readers to get out of their “comfort zone” and ask themselves uncomfortable questions. But as an experienced mentor and true spiritual leader, she never leaves at a crossroads those who dare to change something and change themselves. She takes them by the hand, prompts, recommends, calms, pleases - in general, she makes every effort to ensure that a person’s desire to live more consciously, happier, more successfully is fulfilled.
This training book is based on the Bourbo system (but is not limited to it!), compiled by an experienced practicing psychologist and allows the reader to independently (but not alone!) solve the following problems:
Realize responsibility for your life, first of all, to yourself;
Discover, name and heal personal emotional traumas;
Learn to truly love yourself;
Find faith in your strength and peace in your heart;
Make relationships with people around you more harmonious;
Realize your true desires, recognize your true self, and therefore begin to live more consciously;
Let success into your life.
The algorithm for solving these non-trivial and completely difficult problems will be described in detail in four parts of the training book. Based largely on the ideas of Liz Bourbeau, the book's compiler supplemented the training with references to other psychological concepts, and also emphasized practical exercises that can be done alone, anywhere and at any time, and which have been proven to be effective. The theoretical part of each chapter is certainly accompanied by several practical exercises.
"Be happy – natural state" – Liz Burbo repeats over and over again, in almost every article and book. From her own experience and the experience of many people, she proved that by believing in the naturalness of happiness, a person will be able to believe in himself, which means he will be able to bring beneficial, positive changes into life.
Part one
Permission to live
Chapter first
The Experience of Pain: Recognizing and Healing Personal Trauma
They say that childhood is the most carefree time. Like, a little man lives, he’s not responsible for anything, he runs and jumps and doesn’t know any problems. Nonsense, of course. Childhood is perhaps the most difficult period of life, the most eventful and eventful. Happy and unhappy at the same time. The most dramatic one, if you will.
Deeply experienced childhood events, moments of happiness and grief have life-long consequences, influencing the personality of an already mature person, his actions, worldview, and relationships with others.
Fortunately, it is no longer a secret to anyone that the main people for any child are always: parents, and it is relationships with them that influence the development of personality more than relationships with anyone else. The family is the beginning and core of any child’s coordinate system, the starting point. Parents are his main teachers, “healers” and, alas, “saboteurs” too. Psychological and mental trauma, without which no childhood is actually complete, is usually inflicted by parents intentionally or accidentally (usually the latter).
Thus, many years of observations of children and adults, single and married people, physically healthy and not very strong allowed Liz Burbo to put forward the following assumption: every person goes through four stages as they grow older.
The first stage is learning the joy of existence, of being yourself.
The second stage is suffering from the fact that you cannot be yourself.
The third stage is a period of crisis, rebellion.
The fourth stage is “building a new personality” or, in other words, selecting a mask that more closely matches the expectations of adults from the child.
Mask, according to Bourbo, it becomes a skillful substitute for everything that is real in a person: character, habits, affections, desires, even food preferences. The mask is either worn for a few minutes a day (if the injury is not deep and partially resolved), or worn almost constantly (if the injury is deep, not resolved and still causes suffering). The mask is designed to protect and, indeed, protects us - from new injuries, from our own imperfections, from pain, from dangers...
But at what cost!
After all, wearing a mask means never being yourself.
Could the punishment be more severe?
Gradually, Burbo systematized her observations and proposed the original concept of five masks as an expression of the five mental traumas most often experienced by a person.
The five injuries, according to Burbo, can be designated as follows:
Trauma of the abandoned (trauma corresponds to the mask of the dependent).
Trauma of the outcast (mask of the fugitive).
Trauma of the humiliated (masochist mask).
Trauma of betrayal (mask of the controller).
Trauma of injustice (mask of rigidity).
“There is not a single person who has not at least once been rejected, abandoned, betrayed, humiliated, or treated unfairly. It hurts, it makes you angry, it upsets you. However, we experience pain solely by choice. This happens when the ego manages to convince us that someone else should be blamed for our suffering, – Bourbo expresses a paradoxical thought. – But in life there are no guilty people; there are only those who suffer.”
However, in order to accept the suffering part, that is, the mask - your own or another person's - Liz Burbo suggests first getting acquainted with all five and identifying the distinctive signs of each trauma-mask.
It is important to understand that each of the five injuries described by Bourbo has a nasty property - obsession. Once it “hits” a person’s soul, it will be repeated and returned, and each time experienced as a new traumatic experience. Until the trauma is processed, experienced and accepted, a person unconsciously attracts events and people into his life that confirm his worthlessness, inappropriateness, and uselessness.
In a word, a person injures himself again and again, without even realizing it.
So, if you feel that unpleasant events in life are repeated again and again, that you seem to be missing right to life that others are better than you, then it’s time to finally stop pretending that everything is in order, and determine what kind of trauma was inflicted on you in time immemorial, and what protective mask, according to Liz Burbo’s classification, you chose. Only in this way, through awareness and pain, is healing possible. And after healing - a new, happy life.
Characteristics of injury rejected who wears a mask fugitive
First trauma: from the moment of conception to one year.
Rejection comes from same-sex parent who either did not want a child or wanted a child of a different gender. Because of such a global discrepancy, the fugitive does not feel the right to exist.
Body expression: compressed, narrow, fragile, as if “escaping”.
“nothing”, “nobody”, “does not exist”, “disappear”, “I’m sick of...”.
Detachment from material things. The pursuit of excellence. Focus on the spiritual, intellectual. Strives for solitude, for “escape.” Wants to be invisible. He believes that he is not understood. Addiction to sweets or alcohol as a way to escape.
Characteristics of injury abandoned who wears a mask dependent
First trauma: between one and three years.
Apply parent of the opposite sex. As a rule, the “abandoned” child suffers from either the absence or lack of communication with the parent of the opposite sex. The reason is the emotional detachment of the parent, his complete physical absence, lack of interest in the child or lack of warm, emotional contact between the child and the parent.
Body expression: elongated, thin, flabby body, long arms, curved back. Big sad eyes.
Favorite words and expressions:“there is no one”, “absent”, “alone”, “don’t leave”, “carry out”, “don’t leave”.
Manifestations in everyday life: In relationships, he tends to merge with others and does not tolerate separation well. Ready to do anything just not to be alone. Most of all, he needs outside support, positive reinforcement. Lacking a resource of support and love within himself, he constantly seeks and even demands attention from others, but the inner emptiness is insatiable. It is difficult for him to do or decide anything alone. Sad, tearful, prone to mood swings. Most of all he fears loneliness.
Characteristics of injury humiliated who wears a mask masochist
First trauma: over a period of one to three years.
Apply by the parent who is involved in the physical development of the child (usually the mother). Typically this is overly controlling parent which provokes a reaction of shame and a feeling of humiliation in the child.
Body expression: fat, short, chubby.
Favorite words:“worthy”, “undignified”, “small”, “fat”.
Manifestations in everyday life: Often he is ashamed of himself or others, and in order to dull the shame, he uses control - also of himself or others. Does not listen to his needs, including sexual ones, although he knows them. Hyper-responsible. Low self-esteem. Prone to self-torture of a psychological nature: “I am bad, disgusting, unworthy and cannot become worthy.” Most of all he fears freedom.
Characteristics of injury devoted, who wears a mask controlling
First trauma: in the period from two to four years, that is, during the normative experience of the Oedipus complex.
Apply parent of the opposite sex, when a mother or father does not behave as the child expects from them, manipulates, places unrealistic expectations on the child, or generally evades parental responsibilities. As a result, the child loses trust in the parent, and therefore in the world in general.
Body expression: a real tough guy. It’s like a deliberately strong, athletic, toned body.
Favorite words and expressions:“separate”, “do you understand?”, “I can”, “I can handle it myself”, “I knew it”, “I told you so”, “believe me”, “I know”, “I there’s something on his mind”, “I don’t trust him”, “break up”.
Manifestations in daily life: Impatient and intolerant. Difficulties with trust. Skepticism hides vulnerability. He pretends to be responsible, obligatory, important, but in reality it costs him enormous effort to keep his promise or at least not to forget about what he promised. Loves praise. He cannot stand lies from others, although he himself easily lies. Needs leadership, formal or informal. If the bosses are good, then he is a good performer. Most of all he is afraid of divorce, breakup, separation.
Characteristics of Survivor Trauma injustice, who wears a mask rigid
First trauma: between the ages of four and six, when a child first begins to experience and appreciate his or her individuality.
If, for various reasons, a child cannot show individuality, does not have the skill or conditions for self-expression, traumatization occurs: the child experiences this as injustice and turns to anger, resentment, sadness to a parent of the same sex.
As a rule, relationships with parents are superficial. Often the traumatic parent is cold, inattentive, and is unable to establish trusting contact with the child. As a result, the survivor of injustice seems to separate himself from his emotions, gives himself the attitude “I don’t feel anything” and puts on a mask of rigidity.
Body expression: a well-built, proportional body, but constrained in movements. Tense neck and jaw. Posture is straight and proud.
Favorite words and expressions:“no problem”, “always, never”, “very good, very kind”, “exactly so”, “am I right?”, “if I’m not mistaken”, “exactly”, “quite fair”, “of course”, "Do you agree?".
Everyday manifestations: He strives for perfection in every possible way and is overly demanding of himself. He thinks not about who he is, but about what he does. Since childhood, he has become accustomed to thinking that he is valued not for who he is, but solely for his achievements and actions. Often believes that others are luckier than him. There is no contact with one's own feelings. Doesn't like and doesn't know how to ask for help. Prone to doubt, to comparing oneself and others. Moreover, in comparison it always loses. He constantly carries a feeling of guilt, believing that he is unworthy of pleasure, joy, and praise. In emotional manifestations he is inhibited, but what he is most afraid of from others is coldness.
Do you recognize your mask? Did several types seem painfully familiar to you at once? Not you, but did the mask fit someone close and acquaintances? Both this and this are absolutely normal.
What makes the classification proposed by Bourbo convenient is its universality and at the same time flexibility. Highlighting the main characteristic features and typical manifestations, Liz Burbo constantly repeats that different people wear the same protective mask in different ways - there are no “textbook” injuries, no absolutely identical manifestations of suffering. Everything is dictated by our individuality. In addition, it often happens that a person experiences several mental traumas and, accordingly, puts on several masks - one on top of the other or in turn.
To accurately recognize your (or your neighbor's) injury, Liz Burbo recommends several techniques:
Search and highlight basic, key signs of injury, because if the injury is not very deep and moderately severe, then everyone the described symptoms may not exist;
Don’t be afraid to “feel” the mask on your face, remembering that at one time the mask was vital. Her protection may have allowed you to survive or reduce your suffering;
Treat mental trauma calmly and purposefully: this is just as normal and natural as treating physical ailments or illnesses.
Of course, Liz Burbo has her own method for healing mental trauma. It is successfully used to treat even old, deep, poorly recognized injuries and includes several stages - several steps.
First step- this, whatever one may say, is an acknowledgment of one’s trauma, its presence and role in one’s life. In other words, if you continue to pretend that you are not sick, you will not be able to recover. One way or another, you will have to see your mental trauma, determine its “type”, and then acknowledge its existence (but, note, not a priority for managing your life!).
“A person lives in order to work through what has not been worked through, and to resolve what weighs on him with the burden of suffering,” says Liz Burbo.
Well, that makes sense.
Second step to healing - to accept your trauma and give it at least a piece of unconditional love. Let’s say right away – it’s incredibly difficult!
Firstly, unconditional love (according to Burbo, this means “accept, even if you don’t agree or don’t understand”) is not given “for free”, it must be cultivated in oneself gradually and persistently. There is no single, universal, understandable way for everyone to develop unconditional love, but some possibilities and techniques will be described later in this book.
Secondly, the more unbearable the trauma, the more intense love it requires. However, the effort is worth it: as soon as your throbbing pain, your tired mask feels that it is not being persecuted, but loved, the evil spell will begin to melt away. Checked!
Finally, third step is to go through the four stages of development described at the beginning of this chapter again, only in reverse order - from the fourth to the first. At the first stage you will have to see your mask. On the second, work with your resistance, which will certainly arise and will be expressed in rebellion, indignation, and denial of the obvious. Perhaps you will slam the book in indignation (“What nonsense! This is not about me!”). You may want to shift responsibility to others (“They are all to blame!”). Perhaps portray humility (“I lived before and I will live again”). Find the strength to overcome resistance.
On fourth step you will need to return to the moment of initial traumatization: to suffer badly, to be angry with your parents, to feel sorry for your little self. This stage should end with saying goodbye to childhood anger and gaining sympathy for parents and forgiving them. Fourth step– it is also a return to your true self, a farewell to the mask, a greeting to your true “I”, open to experience and love.
“Seeing pain, recognizing it, saying hello to it is not easy. This is extremely difficult and also scary. But if work with trauma is successful, then the person gains the experience of true self-compassion. It is as if he gives himself permission to experience, and at the same time, he reduces the level of anger, shame and malice in his soul. The pain must be experienced and released, and under no circumstances should it be suppressed. In the latter case, it will not go away, but will only cripple the soul deeper,” – recommends Burbo.
How do you know that you are on the right path and your injuries are slowly healing?
Liz Burbo claims that trauma rejected you are close to healing if you allow yourself to take up more and more space in your life, allow yourself to simply be and find an effective way to self-affirmation and self-realization.
Injury abandoned is close to healing if loneliness becomes bearable and even pleasant, if independence and determination grow, and the need for outside support becomes less annoying.
Injury humiliated is close to healing if control and demands on oneself weaken. If a person is able to ask for help and accept help, this is also a good sign.
