Any parents will say that they love their children more than anyone in the world, and, in principle, “they will tear anyone for their child like Tuzik a hot water bottle.” Just why do we, who are ready to do anything for our daughter or son, suddenly become embarrassed by our children in banal situations and thereby greatly traumatize them? We have three “good” and very ridiculous reasons for this.
1. We are too proud of our children.
Historically, children are the most important projects for us. We invest a lot of time and money in our family, so it is not surprising that our child, by definition, is “the very best.” We are too proud of every success of our child and get so upset when someone else’s child speaks, walks, learns letters, etc. before ours. What do we feel? Embarrassment and shame. How so?!
Or, for example, at some point in public the offspring behaved completely childishly: he spilled juice on himself, dropped a bun on the floor, hit someone with a toy, and began to examine the contents in the spout. What are we doing? That's right, we blush, look around and start shushing the child. Although, what did he do so seditious?
2. We value our child’s successes more than the child himself.
This follows from what was said above - more precisely, from our hypertrophied pride in our child. You will say that there is no such thing as excessive pride for a child by default - it is all pure love.Okay, then answer: are you ready to show love and acceptance to a child when there is no reason to be proud of him? Are you ready to smile and wink at your child in kindergarten or school at the moment when one of the other children is praised for outstanding success in the next intellectual competition?
3. We simply show our insecurity and dependence on other people’s opinions.
As the classic said: we all come from childhood. And we grow up, have our own children, but sometimes we don’t grow out of our childhood complexes. Our nasty complexes, imposed by comparisons and “races” for grades at one time, alas, are inherited by our children. And if a child wets himself with juice due to naturally not quite “adult” motor skills, it seems to us that we ourselves wet ourselves. And we expect a withering look and reproach from those around us.
Who is to blame and what to do?
It’s clear who is to blame. It is more important to understand what to do?
. UNDERSTAND: the most valuable thing we can give a child is unconditional love and acceptance. The only place where a child is truly safe is next to his parents. And if they criticize, demand success, achievements, it means they value them more than the child himself.
. STOP criticize yourself first of all for little things - household and work. We are late, we fall, we spill tea on ourselves - this is not bad or good, this is ordinary life.
. DO NOT CRITICIZE child publicly - in front of everyone. Don't get hysterical and don't spank your child for mistakes. Imagine that in front of you is someone else’s child who has done something wrong - you won’t yell at him, pull his ear or spank him on the butt?
. PRAISE It’s right to encourage the child, but not to turn his life into a pursuit of mom and dad’s praise. Let the child calmly accept the fact that he is the best in some ways, and another child in others. You need to love a child not only because he is the best, but simply because you have him, and therefore he is already worthy of love. And there is always something to praise, hug, and kiss your child for, if you want.
You can often observe the following picture: a child in transport or on a walk chats briskly, sings songs, recites poems, but as soon as interested adults, most often random witnesses, pay attention to his performance, say something or ask him to sing and dance like a child abruptly falls silent, his passion disappears, and he clings to his parents.
“I was shy,” they explain this behavior, but they themselves are perplexed, why is this? After all, I just wasn’t shy about anything!
Shyness may simply be a reaction to an unfamiliar situation, a feature of age, or a stable personality trait. To understand what exactly you are dealing with, you need to figure out why the child behaves this way, what is the reason.
Why is a child shy: a mystery for parents
Each age has its own characteristics. Shyness is a feature of preschool age. During this period of life, many adults appear around the child whom he did not know before: kindergarten teachers, teachers of early development groups, leaders of circles, friends of parents, etc. Naturally, a child is embarrassed by adults whom he does not know, especially if they ask him to make any public appearances: to tell something, to sing, or even just to introduce himself in front of a group.
This is difficult to correct. You can endlessly instill in your child that there is no need to be shy, but he will only liberate with age, when he gets used to the world. Parents can only speed up this process by unobtrusively introducing the child into society. A shy child should often be taken with him to different interesting places, where there are many people who will not show excessive interest in him. Playgrounds, cafes, even shopping centers are suitable. Seeing many strangers around him, the child will eventually get used to the fact that they do not pose a threat to him and shyness will gradually go away.
A child is shy in kindergarten: how to overcome uncertainty?
If in kindergarten a child is embarrassed not only by teachers, but also by other children, then it is important to understand whether this is a sign of adaptation to the team - or an independent problem. In the first case, everything will return to normal on its own, during the first months, especially if the baby goes to kindergarten regularly, without missing it. In the second, it is worth assessing the degree of shyness. Perhaps the child is embarrassed to speak in public, but in ordinary life he is active and sociable. This is a common situation. Not all adults can feel free in front of an audience; some people don’t need this in life.
And yet, if you want your child to be more active and relaxed in kindergarten, it is worth increasing his level of confidence and reducing anxiety. You can perform in public first at home, in front of your parents and grandparents, acting out skits or reciting poems. Tricks are also of great interest, but their complexity should be appropriate for age. What to do if a child is shy?
To begin with, there is no need to convince the child that being shy is bad, and that he must overcome this line with all his might, otherwise... Parents' horror stories increase anxiety, this lowers the child's self-esteem, and he withdraws even more. Vicious circle.
It is worth accepting the child’s shyness as a given and stop trying every day to influence his character and change him. Is your child shy? It's not good or bad, it just is. It’s not a fact that it will always be this way, but now it is. Many adults who suffered from shyness in childhood remember not that they were shy, but how dissatisfied their parents were with this.
Then it would be a good idea to increase the child’s overall confidence in himself, his strengths and abilities. This is the most effective way to teach a child not to be shy. Constantly praise him for the slightest positive changes in behavior, and most importantly, show him by example how good it is to be relaxed and communicate freely. If, due to lack of confidence in their knowledge, a child is embarrassed to answer in class, work on a problematic subject, explain misunderstood topics, or hire a tutor. The easiest way to solve this problem is to interest the child in the subject by showing him interesting films or telling him about amazing facts related to it. To help caring parents of schoolchildren, encyclopedias have been created in audio format, which can be listened to, for example, on the road.
Appearance and its perception
If a child has become embarrassed about his appearance when it changes due to the onset of adolescence, keep in mind that this is the “merit” of the adults who are significant to him, most often the family. No matter what peers say, the teenager passes everything through the ideas he already has about himself.
Most teenagers are a storehouse of complexes. Too fat, too thin, too tall or too small, protruding, bow-legged... all sorts of signs that quite attractive boys and girls do not attribute to themselves. And when offensive words hit the target, then self-confidence is shaken.
But initially, such an idea of one's shortcomings is formed from words accidentally (I would like to believe that not on purpose) said by parents.
“Don’t wear this dress, this model is for slim people, not for you”….
“Why do you need expensive cosmetics, you’re not a participant in a beauty contest”….
“Don’t get into a fight, you’re too weak to stand up to bullies”….
“Study well, with your appearance you are unlikely to marry successfully, you will have to earn money yourself”...
“Don’t be upset that this girl refused to date you - lose weight first, start running in the morning, and then you’ll run after girls”...
Most often, parents want something completely different: to advise, protect, guide, but the teenager only acquires new complexes.
Parents can only do one thing: see in their growing child the best that is in him, and this is a lot. It is clear that the angular and constantly mischievous teenager is not the sweet kid he was not so long ago. But adults often notice deterioration and completely miss the improvements, of which there are also many.
Yes, the child has become worse in his studies, he is no longer an excellent student, because instead of lessons he disappears at rehearsals with his friends - they write and sing songs. But their musical group consists of talented children, they are invited to perform at school holidays and their peers like their work.
The daughter stopped wearing the “princess” dresses so beloved by her mother and cut off the braid that she had been growing all her life. But she has become independent - she participates in the life of the school, is a leader in the class, and even organized a volunteer movement with her like-minded people.
Children who are confident in themselves will not be embarrassed, even if strangers try to embarrass or offend them, simply because there will be nothing to hang on to offensive remarks. To cultivate in our sons and daughters the consciousness of their own worth and uniqueness is our task as parents, and those adults who have cultivated these qualities in themselves can fully cope with it. So, as usual, first of all, you have to work on yourself.
In conclusion…
If your baby is shy, do not attach undue importance to this fact. Show your child that being open and active is fun and safe.
Is a preschooler embarrassed to study at an early development school or in a circle, sit and remain silent? At first, sit with him - most teachers do not object to the presence of parents. Next to you, your baby will get used to the new environment, and then he will happily run to classes and confidently answer questions.
Is the student embarrassed by the teacher, even embarrassed to ask to go to the toilet when necessary? Explain that the teacher, despite his formidable appearance, does not threaten the child in any way, he teaches new and interesting things, shows exciting films, and takes him on excursions. And explain to the teacher that your child has not yet gotten used to it and cannot always be active, even if he knows the correct answer. Let the teacher ask him from time to time, and not just those who constantly raise their hand and shout out versions.
Be close to your child, not physically, but morally, support him, celebrate his successes, and treat failures without tragedy and philosophically: it didn’t work out now, next time it will definitely work out.
Lively, purposeful children always get everything first, and always the best, while shy kids often stand on the sidelines, afraid to approach Santa Claus at a matinee or embarrassed to recite a rhyme in kindergarten on March 8th. Why do some parents have a child who goes headlong towards their goal, while others are afraid to even leave behind their mother’s skirt? It's not just about upbringing, but also about innate character, temperament, and very often we demand more from our children than they can. If you have a shy child, perhaps you should loosen him up a little, but if at the genetic level he feels constrained in any society, and even at home, then maybe there is no need to fight it, but you just need to teach the child to adapt to life.
Why did the child become shy?
Almost all little children under 3 years old can be called shy, timid, but this is not a character trait, but simply a child’s defensive reaction to the unknown world around him. He hides behind his mother’s skirt, but looks out from behind it with pleasure, looking at new people, acquaintances, new streets and houses. Children often behave normally in front of mom and dad, but when grandparents and parents’ friends come, they feel anxiety, an invasion of their personal protected space, and this makes them nervous, they have mood swings, they run into another room , not to mention talking to strangers. But this behavior is quite normal for little children - they are just getting acquainted with this world. But if after 3 years, when the child goes to kindergarten or when he comes to visit someone, he cannot utter a word, then no matter how hard they try to liberate him, shyness can completely absorb the baby.
You should pay attention to how the child behaves at a party: if after some time he plays out and makes friends with everyone, then there is no reason to worry. Well, if your child has become shy, and even by the end of the evening he still doesn’t leave your side and still hasn’t spoken to anyone, it means that your baby has really become extremely timid, and there may be several reasons for this.
- "Innate" shyness
A person is already born with a certain type of temperament. It can be simply impossible to retrain or re-educate a child, because shyness is a part of him, not contrived or acquired, but one might say, innate. And in this case, the child needs to be helped to live and survive with this shyness, and not try to suppress it.
- Low self-esteem
We very often meet adults who look impressive, but they have extremely low self-esteem. But all this has been going on since childhood, and even his parents may be to blame. A single carelessly dropped phrase can become deeply embedded in a child’s mind and prevent him from fully developing. So, for example, a mother may one day say to her daughter: “There’s no need to hang around in front of the mirror! You won’t see anything special there anyway!” And then the girl really begins to think that there is nothing special about her, that she is a little gray mouse that no one will ever pay attention to. Here you have an inferiority complex and low self-esteem. If a child is constantly “shut down” and told that he is bad, that he does not know how to do this, does not know how to do that, will never achieve anything and does not strive for anything, then in this case the parents themselves program him for this. And the baby begins to think that if his parents say this, it means that everyone around him knows about his shortcomings and everyone laughs at him - how can you be lively and cheerful after such thoughts?
- Physical disabilities
Another reason that does not depend on others is the child’s physical disabilities. This could be some disfiguring facial features, lameness, displacement of the vertebrae, tumors, cerebral palsy, and poor eyesight, as a result of which the child has to wear ridiculously strong glasses. All this will not give confidence even to an adult, let alone children. If physical disabilities are congenital, then for the first 2 years the child is unlikely to be embarrassed by them, because he does not yet understand that he is not like everyone else. But when he communicates more and more with his peers, and even more so when he goes to kindergarten, this is where the problems begin. Children do not like people who stand out, who are different, they become angry towards them, push them away, call them names, try to annoy them in every possible way, and are not friends with them. As a result, the baby almost becomes an outcast, he begins to be afraid of communication and other people, tries to be alone so that no one sees him or laughs at him. This is extremely painful for a little soul, and without the help of parents, the child will remain shy and closed to everyone.
- Pressure from educators and teachers
In every fifth family, children have conflicts with their kindergarten teachers or school teachers. And how could the child not please them? This could be personal hostility, or the child’s banal hyperactivity or silence. If the baby was initially a little shy, then the teacher’s unpleasant reprimands can completely frighten the child, and he will be timid even at home. An attentive parent will definitely notice such changes in the child’s behavior and will be forced to talk with the teacher or transfer the child to another group.
At school, a child may not show serious success, and as a result, he will hear unpleasant words addressed to him: “slow-witted,” “ignorant,” “mentally retarded,” “you won’t achieve anything in this life,” “lazy.” A child already frightened by the new society may completely withdraw into himself, become timid and fearful, especially if you support not the child, but the position of the teacher.
There can be two outcomes from such situations: the child will protest against such an attitude towards himself, or he will begin to think that he is really not worthy of recognition, that everyone only thinks that he is bad, that he is a loser. The child is afraid to approach his peers because he is sure in advance that they will not accept him; he is afraid to say anything at the blackboard because he is sure that unpleasant words will be directed at him again.
What does shyness lead to?
Many people are accustomed to thinking that a shy child will never reach the top in his life. But anything is possible, especially if parents can direct children’s timidity in the right direction.
- Positive outcome of shyness
If shyness did not come to the child as a result of ridicule and improper upbringing, but is simply an integral part of him, then there is nothing wrong with it. Such children are often soft, friendly, ready to help others, especially pets, and they have a kind, sympathetic heart. And even if they do not strive for the top, for parliamentary mandates, they can realize themselves as respectable individuals. Shy children never enter into conflicts, they try to hush everything up even at the stage of a quarrel, they try to listen and hear their opponent. It is for their sincerity and kindness that others begin to appreciate such children.
Of course, in the modern world, shyness is no longer such a significant character trait as it was 20 years ago, but even now, many guys like shy girls more than their fighting peers, and they create families with just such shy friends.
- Negative outcome of shyness
But often shyness in children appears as a result of unpleasant life situations and the negative attitude of others. In this case, parents need to be extremely sensitive and help the child increase his self-esteem, otherwise he may carry shyness throughout his life, never achieving success either in his career or in his personal life.
The child is embarrassed to go to the board, embarrassed to approach Santa Claus and tell him a poem in order to receive a gift, he even remains silent when he desperately wants a bright toy in the store. As a result, another schoolchild gets an A at the board, Santa Claus gives the gift to a more courageous child, and a toy is bought for his brother because he had the courage to ask his parents for it. The child deprives himself of many joys and achievements just because he is very embarrassed to take this small step. And in the future, he will be shy before the first declaration of love, and his potential soul mate may simply be taken away from under his nose.
And what is most offensive for parents is to see that the child is not only embarrassed, but also accepts all the blows of fate and failures for granted. Since childhood, the kid has become accustomed to the fact that he can’t do anything, that he is not worthy of everything that others have, and he simply comes to terms with it.
How to overcome a child's shyness?
Every parent worries about the future of their child; we want them to be successful, find themselves in this life and never know troubles. And almost all of us are sure that shyness will not become a faithful assistant in the lives of our children. What should we do with it? How to overcome a child’s shyness without destroying his individuality? But the main thing is not to eradicate this timidity, but to understand whether it needs to be done at all. Perhaps, by fighting your child’s shyness, you will only withdraw him into yourself even more, so make attempts to “re-educate” him, but very carefully weigh the results and successes of your baby.
- If your child has already begun to be shy, do not scold him for it, especially do not say the phrases “why are you shy, like a muslin young lady, look how lively your classmates are” in the presence of these same friends or other children. This way you will only develop an even greater inferiority complex in the child, you will disgrace him, and now the child will certainly not speak to anyone, because he will think that everyone will laugh at him;
- In order to become at least a little more relaxed, the child needs to communicate, and it is the parents who should help him with this. Invite your friends and your child’s friends to visit you more often. If your baby does not make contact, communicate with him, talk with others and be sure to ask what your child thinks about it. Of course, the baby will be shy and may simply bury his head in your hair, but confidential words and physical contact (stroking the head, holding your hand) should help the child feel safe. Tell your child about the people who should come to you so that the child can get to know them in absentia;
- If you scold a child, be sure to tell him that he can do better, that you are confident in his abilities, and he just needs to try a little. Give the child aspiration, and do not humiliate him with words that he is ignorant, knows nothing and cannot do anything;
- What should parents do if their child is embarrassed by his obvious shortcomings? Even if the baby has physical disabilities, you should not constantly feel sorry for him and pretend that no one notices. From childhood, a child needs to know that he is not like everyone else, but you must fill his life with such love and care so that the child understands that you can live with these shortcomings, and you can earn friends with your openness and friendliness. Be sure to prepare your child for what awaits him outside the walls of his home, that he may be offended and teased. But you must teach your child to be persistent and love life only for what you are in this life. Teach your child to be sociable and not take it all so personally. Of course, this is not easy, but without your help and support, the baby may completely lose his zeal for life;
- Increase your child’s low self-esteem: praise him for the slightest successes, and even if something doesn’t work out for him, always offer your help and say that you believe in him and are confident in his strengths and successes;
- Teach your child to treat even failures with humor and try again, and not give up after the first failure;
- If you notice that your child is very afraid and embarrassed to try something new, especially if it goes against the rules, do it with him. Do you see that your little one is staring at your new shoes, but is embarrassed to ask you to try them on? Invite her to try on all your shoes together, let her wear lipstick for the holiday. Let something forbidden become accessible to the child, and then, perhaps, he will stop being so afraid of everything new;
- If you notice inappropriate behavior of a teacher or educator in relation to your child for a long time, think about changing the group, kindergarten, class or school, otherwise your child’s psyche may be disrupted.
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A shy child is a big concern for parents. However, you need to understand that shyness is a feature, but in no case a personality disorder.
Many mothers and fathers mistakenly believe that if a child is shy, then he suffers from low self-esteem. In some cases, shyness manifests itself only as a protective function of the body.
How can parents catch that fine line between low self-esteem and simple shyness? The answer will be revealed by facial expressions. If a child is very shy and cannot establish eye contact with the interlocutor, refuses to interact, most likely he has certain problems.
I offer some simple but effective tips. Parents, taking them into account, will help liberate their child and make his life easier and more comfortable.
Tip #1 – Determine the cause of your shyness
The main thing is to understand in time. The reasons can be different: from non-verbal problems and deviations in mental development, to elementary difficulties and anxieties when establishing contact with others. My advice to you: always believe in the best!
By identifying the causes of embarrassment, you as a parent will know what approach to take to correct the problem.
Tip #2 – Become a role model
Children are extremely susceptible and imitate adults in many ways. If your child sees you as timid and indecisive, they will be more likely to adopt this trait. Therefore, if he is shy, first of all, take a look at yourself from the outside.
Apply the role model of a determined person. For example, when placing an order in a restaurant, speak confidently to the waiter; if the situation requires it, make a remark. The child will understand that you can freely talk to people as equals without embarrassment.
If you see someone in need of help, take a step towards them. Gradually, repeating after you, your baby will become bolder and will be able to overcome the unpleasant trait of his character.
Tip #3 – Be in public places more often
When going to the supermarket, on a big holiday or planning a trip to football, be sure to take your child with you. In places with large crowds of people, it will be difficult for him at first, but the more often he interacts with the outside world, the more the child will understand that there is nothing dangerous in this.
Tip #4 – Teach social skills from an early age
Read books together about relationships between people. Learn the rules of etiquette and behavior in society. Reinforce the learned theoretical material with practical exercises. Model possible situations and discuss behavioral errors.
Tip #5 – Help your child realize his aspirations
When a child is shy, he often cannot realize his desires and aspirations properly. When he is overcome by doubts and indecision, parents should support him, explain what the right thing to do is, and, if necessary, provide moral and physical assistance.
It is unlikely that you will be able to cope with a child’s shyness so quickly. You need to work on this every day. Consistency and patience are two key factors in successfully solving a problem.
Believe me, years will pass, and your grown-up baby will definitely thank you for your parental attention.
When a child is embarrassed by his parents, an ambiguous situation arises: he has the right to show such emotions, but at the same time, what to do with the feeling of guilt before loving parents? Why are their children embarrassed by their parents? Psychologists say that the problem occurs quite often, so it should not be hushed up. Experts recommend talking the situation out so as not to turn it into a chronic one.
At what age does embarrassment occur?
Shame appears around the age of 4, when the child feels awkward in the locker room with children of the opposite sex. Around this time, the child begins active communication with peers at playgrounds, in kindergarten and learns that there are other adults. The child begins to make comparisons: “Petya’s dad constantly picks him up from kindergarten, but mine is all about business,” or “Angelina’s mom braids her beautiful braids, but mine is just ponytails.” Children's consciousness is no longer limited to the family. The kid understands that in the families of friends, many things happen differently, and, quite possibly, the children’s conclusions will not be in favor of their own parents.
During adolescence, children increasingly feel like they belong to their age group, separate from their parents, and become independent. Especially for boys, it can cause embarrassment
Mom's peck on the cheek in front of her peers, while in the family circle it will not cause discomfort. A teenager is embarrassed by his parents because he already feels like an independent, full-fledged person, but for mom and dad he will forever remain a baby. And their actions only prove this, which gives reasons for embarrassment.
What causes embarrassment?
Why are children embarrassed by their parents? Already first-graders begin to compare the ages of mom and dad, and this can also cause embarrassment. The question “Who brought you to school today, dad or grandpa?” - can drive a son or daughter into such a stupor that he/she does not want the father to appear in the institution at all. Or the exact opposite situation: children may be embarrassed by parents who are too young.
It happens that children are embarrassed, as parents say, using youth slang. Or how they dress - mom adheres to youth style. The child would like to see his parents as more respectable, respected people.
In all of the above cases, children do not want to be mentally defined by their parents, their behavior, clothing style or conversation that is not accepted by society.
It's a matter of time distance between generations. No matter how hard adults try to be modern, they will always be different from the younger generation. The kids and their mothers and fathers were raised in different
economic, social conditions, with different life guidelines and values. Thirty years ago, even the speed of life was different.
When is a child ashamed of his parents?
- When they behave differently than others. They dress untidy or too provocatively, butt into other people’s conversations, make bad jokes, make mistakes in speech, and show their lack of education and bad manners.
- When mom and dad are too protective of their son or daughter and do it publicly. They kiss, hug, ask to put on a hat, button up a jacket, call from school, and quickly return home.
- When parents try to be like their child's peers. They try to dress the same way, use teenage slang, try to insert their opinions about modern music, literature and fashion.
- When parents talk to other people about the details of their son or daughter's personal life. For example, how a child behaved like a hooligan, cried without his mother, was afraid to sleep alone, and was unable to assemble a construction set. How a son used his mother’s cosmetics, and a daughter, as a child, burned through her mother’s favorite dress with an iron.
- When adults, in the presence of other people, make comments to the child, scold him or even shout. Insults in public have a negative impact on the psyche of children. In this case, the parents will not achieve their educational goals; the child will simply be embarrassed by them.
What should parents do?
Psychologists say that the situation with a feeling of shame can and should be resolved so that it does not become chronic. Firstly, parents should not insult their son or daughter and become offended. The best option is to calmly and sincerely talk about what specifically causes the feeling of shame, explain why you behave this way, and try to change. If you can change your habits that make your son or daughter feel awkward, then you should do it. If you understand that the feeling of embarrassment is caused by the fact that your child ended up in a particular company, then you should think about how to get your son or daughter out of a dysfunctional environment. Or maybe everything will cost you by buying stylish trousers or removing slang expressions from your vocabulary.
