: The eldest daughter is 8 years old, the youngest is 2 years old, and the son is 5. And I have time for everything I really want. In addition to the obligatory cooking, cleaning, caring for children, twice a week I conduct developmental classes with the kids in our church, sometimes I write texts to order, make dolls, and all the time I learn something. Including how to keep up.
Getting rid of perfectionism and everything that you can not do
Only after realizing the exaggerated demands on myself and abandoning them, I began to enjoy life with children. I stopped striving for perfect order in the nursery every night - thanks to this, the next morning the children continue to play what they had invented in the evening. I cook simple food - children still don't appreciate complex soups and salads. I almost do not iron anything and do not dress children in too light clothes - it saves a lot of time. I have never ironed diapers and bedding - folding them neatly is enough.
Planning life
Writing lists, making plans and sticking to them has always been a very difficult task for me. I love spontaneity, impulse. But with kids, especially three, it turns life into chaos.
Therefore, I give myself time every day for spontaneous activities, and I plan everything else. And first of all - the menu for the week and the list of products. Thanks to this, I stopped carrying heavy bags from the shops after walking with the children - this became my husband's Sunday duty. And only once a week, and not every day, as before, I think about how to feed my family.
It is very important to plan things that are important to you, but are being postponed all the time because of something. And learn to stop in the daily hustle and bustle and carry them out in spite of everything. It could be training, self-care, or work.
Making lists of must-have daily tasks
After giving up unnecessary household chores, write a list of those without which your life will slide into chaos. These are the things that are not done automatically, the things that you always want to postpone for later. In the morning for me, this is loading the washing machine and disassembling the dishwasher and dryer - so I can definitely load them at any time. And the key to my good mood the next morning is order in the kitchen before bed.
In addition, I have a cleaning schedule for the house. I never do everything in one day - it takes a lot of time and effort. Therefore, on Monday I wash the floor, on Tuesday I change the bedding, on Wednesday I iron my shirts, etc. Each of these tasks takes about 20 minutes, and not 3 hours, like a general cleaning of the apartment.
We find and implement new principles
Even with my first child, I learned what has invariably helped me for eight years - to do as much household chores as possible with the child. But our mothers did it in a completely different way. I never clean up or cook when the child is asleep - this is always my personal time, which I use at my own discretion. And how much can you teach a child while cooking - not only to distinguish between vegetables and fruits, but also the laws of physics, and chemical transformations, and much more!
We are looking for assistants
Having abandoned perfectionism, I allowed myself to delegate things - to invite an au pair when one of the children is very young. Have a good nanny in stock, whom you can entrust your child with for several hours and go to the movies with your husband, go to the doctor, or just be alone at home. Sometimes they were friends with whom we agreed on who on what day would be able to sit with the children.
When the youngest child was growing up, every Saturday I left the children with my husband for five hours and devoted this time to pleasant hobbies - I studied aromatherapy courses, learned to draw, went to the pool.
And when the children were very young, a sling was my best assistant.
We take care of ourselves
There are mothers who have time for everything except taking care of themselves. It is said that some even forget to eat in the daily hustle and bustle, remembering it only in the evening. Not to mention appearance, leisure, learning and recreation. And they believe that this is quite normal.
But if you truly love your family, make enough time for yourself. Otherwise, one day you may become seriously ill or become depressed, which will be a real disaster for your family - after all, everything depends only on you.
Give yourself small gifts every day - be alone for 15 minutes, take an aroma bath, watch a good movie, read a book. And be sure to find time to meet with friends and relax with your husband alone.
I wanted to put each of the points that I talked about first, all of them are so important to me. Choose the one that will help you the most now and go for it! And you will definitely have time!
Margins.
Write about the body and the difference between the commands to the physical body from the ether, from the astral and from the mental.
Write about power and custody in the context of relationships with children (here are glitches and possible ways to solve them).
In the meantime, those topics are being digested inside the head, I will write about ways to arrange life, if the difference between the younger children is two years old (but probably less, more will also work). What has been revealed so far. Straight point by point.
1. Use the junior's sleep time immediately as much as possible on those things that will draw strength until they are done. In my case, this is food preparation and minimal tidying. Someone will have a walk, someone will have a rest. The benchmark is to immediately do exactly the thing that will torment the most until it is done. And do not postpone, once the first dream to start up on it. Then the rest of the dreams can already be resting if they happen. And if they do not happen, then their absence will be much easier to bear.
2. A joint dream of both children (oh, happiness, you exist. It’s a pity that you are not every day) to use on yourself and your own pleasures. And clearly obey exactly those desires that are right now. Sleep, get into LJ, do things that have not yet been done, but pull strength (yes, for me it is a pleasure).
3. If the younger is not asleep, then we use this time for joint actions with the elders. The younger is in his arms, the older is neutralized by communication. So it is more likely that during the sleep of the younger, the elder will already be saturated with communication and agree to play on his own.
4. A clear daily routine - salvation. If it turns out to introduce a joint children's dream into it, then this is doubly salvation. No night festivities, we are looking for any way to sleep at night. And they are immediately comfortable for themselves. This way I do not put my children to sleep. Generally. Never. No way. I’m not ready to do it for months afterwards, so I don’t do it initially. Basically, do nothing that you are willing to repeat regularly. Therefore, the children sleep in my bed, and not in their own - I am not ready to get up at night and then lay in my arms even for a few minutes, not to mention hours. I’m ready to lie nearby for hours and endlessly breastfeed. Children put up with this in the very first days in the hospital. Somewhere on the second day, my neighbors in the ward begin to repeat this after me, and all the children in the ward amicably move from the cradles to their mothers in bed))) I am also ready to sit in the kitchen in the evening with a working hood (white noise is our everything) and hold it in my arms while reading a book or LJ. Of course, I am also lucky for the third time in a row - the children are healthy and they are not tormented by any terrible pains because of which the child is constantly suffering. And in all other respects the principle works - parents should be strong and happy with life. Then there is a greater chance that children will get them in a calm and blissful state. So the principle "first put on an oxygen mask on yourself" I embody exactly in this.
5. Maximum delegation of responsibilities to older children. Of course, those that they can do.
That's all. If anyone needs details, then ask.
When you have only one child, you often get very tired. Because this jump - from no child to one - is the most difficult. The second, the third - that's another story, too much is clear there. And with the first - it is often a jump. Into emptiness.
Once I thought that with two children it is twice as difficult, with three - three times. I was wrong. It turned out that the most difficult thing is for the first time.
When the first child is born, we sacrifice our whole life to him, we try to do everything right, ideally. That is, our sacrifice is much more necessary.
At the same time, I really want to leave a place for my hobbies. And we are looking for opportunities to do what we like, but without it. We wait for him to fall asleep (counting convulsively for the minutes), ask him to sit with one or the other. And his dream is worth its weight in gold for us. Every minute. Therefore, we try to go to bed early and to sleep longer. And if he does not fall asleep, it becomes a tragedy.
Our desires are not so complicated and strange. We want to quietly drink tea with buns, chat with friends, go somewhere with them, with my husband, continue doing what we love. And the kid doesn't fit into that. As it seems to us. Then we organize life around it. Around his regime, his needs, his desires. In this completely losing myself.
Of course, it's hard - I remember it from myself. Should fall asleep an hour after waking up - but he does not sleep! And what to do? Rocking! Rocking for two hours, sleeping forty minutes. Tired, annoyed ... you sit at home with him, because wherever you go with him - he is not even sitting yet. And the husband walks at strangers' weddings! Therefore, it seemed to me for a long time that one child would be enough for me.
I did not have time for anything - although I wanted so much! I had to work - I thought so. I wanted so many things! I couldn't even leave the house - Danya hated walks, the stroller was heavy, the fourth floor had no elevator! Therefore, I sat at home, counted his dreams, food, fulfilled the schedule, introduced complementary foods - well, it should already be interesting and varied sometime! In general, I did a lot of unnecessary things, in vain, and from this I got even more tired.
Now I have three of them. I have time for everything I want. Sometimes even more. Sometimes less. Sometimes nothing. I just live with children. The way it is today. Something has changed in my head, which makes it easier to raise a third child. Millions of times. This setting has changed "What can I do without a child?" to "How can I do this with him?"
There are no such things that I gave up this time. I am not on a diet, although I am breastfeeding. For the first time I sat on one buckwheat - and the child's stomach ached for the first six months constantly. Now I eat everything - and there are no rashes, no colic (only the first month I suffered a little). We traveled the entire pregnancy - up to 36 weeks. And only three weeks before giving birth, they temporarily landed. After giving birth, it took time for the paperwork and visas. But in his three months we flew back into the summer.
We just built it into our regular life. And he is not bored. Brothers and parents are constantly around. And he is interested. He swims in the pool even when the water is cold. And before, I would sit on the shore and be sad that everyone but me is in the water. Now we have found a way out - a circle around the neck - and into the water with everyone. I'm near, but I'm swimming at this time. It's the same everywhere. The sling frees my hands - and we can walk as before, go to the shops. There is nothing that I would deprive myself of.
When he is awake, he is by my side. While I cook, clean, communicate with his brothers, with my husband. He is with us all the time, he is not the navel of the universe. He is just one more person in our family. The smallest. Whom you can still cuddle, who still sleeps a lot, laughs contagiously and has a deep all-penetrating look.
Once a day I go for a walk - it is sports exercises - one. Without anyone. Although she could have been wearing a sling. And probably, if need be, I will. Half an hour is enough for me to work out and get bored. And my husband copes with three for half an hour quite calmly.
There is nothing that I can look at and lick my lips. Worry that because of him I can not do this. Everything can be done with a child - I am convinced of this. And he is calmer, crying only on occasion. Not all the time on his hands, often lying on the mat and exercising. And around him events, activities are unfolding, life is in full swing.
So yes - three is easier. Because the elders only by their presence fascinate the baby, occupy his attention - even if they do not address him directly. Because I already have experience and understanding of what not to do. And because it is no longer possible to build the whole world around a baby - who does not need it.
And when it suddenly becomes quiet at home - for example, the elders leave with dad to the store, Luka and I become sad, and even not at ease. When you have three children, left with one child, you end up in a sanatorium. This is both pleasant and useful. But at the same time, it's boring. I love our noise and din so much when there is a lot of children's laughter, voices, songs in the house. Yes, there are fights, tears, bruises, and resentment. It doesn’t tire me, it’s a continuation of the joyful part of motherhood.
For me, a big family is happiness. When everyone is so different, but together. And they love each other. When the elder kisses the baby. When the middle one hugs the older brother before going to bed. When the kid gags and laughs at the songs of the middle brother. When we are all in bed together, dad and the elders are fighting, while the baby and I look and smile. When we all swim together. Or we go to the bathhouse. Or we host guests. Or we're going somewhere. Or we just eat ice cream, and the kid looks at us from his sun lounger.
For me, happiness looks like this. And with each next child it becomes easier and more interesting.
Olga ValyaevaOlga Valyaeva
from the book "Purpose to be a Mom"
When you have only one child, you often get very tired. Because this jump - from no child to one - is the most difficult. The second, the third - that's another story, too much is clear there. And with the first - it is often just a jump. Into emptiness.
Once I thought that with two children it is twice as difficult, with three - three times. I was wrong. It turned out that the most difficult thing is to be a mother for the first time.
When the first child is born, we sacrifice our whole life to him, we try to do everything right, ideally. That is, our sacrifice is much more necessary.
At the same time, I really want to leave a place for my hobbies. And we are looking for opportunities to do what we like, but without it. We wait for him to fall asleep (counting convulsively for the minutes), ask him to sit with one or the other. And his dream is worth its weight in gold for us. Every minute. Therefore, we try to go to bed early and to sleep longer. And if he does not fall asleep, it becomes a tragedy.
Our desires are not so complicated and strange. We want to quietly drink tea with buns, chat with friends, go somewhere with them, with my husband, continue doing what we love. And the kid doesn't fit into that. As it seems to us. Then we organize life around it. Around his regime, his needs, his desires. In this completely losing myself.
Of course, it's hard - I remember it from myself. Should fall asleep an hour after waking up - but he does not sleep! And what to do? Rocking! Rocking for two hours, sleeping forty minutes. Tired, annoyed ... you sit at home with him, because wherever you go with him - he is not even sitting yet. And the husband walks at strangers' weddings! Therefore, it seemed to me for a long time that one child would be enough for me.
I did not have time for anything - although I wanted so much! I had to work - I thought so. I wanted so many things! I couldn't even leave the house - Danya hated walks, the stroller was heavy, the fourth floor had no elevator! Therefore, I sat at home, counted his dreams, food, fulfilled the schedule, introduced complementary foods - well, it should already be interesting and varied sometime! In general, I did a lot of unnecessary things, in vain, and from this I got even more tired.
Now I have three of them. I have time for everything I want. Sometimes even more. Sometimes less. Sometimes nothing. I just live with children. The way it is today. Something has changed in my head, which makes it easier to raise a third child. Millions of times. This setting has changed "What can I do without a child?" to "How can I do this with him?"
There are no such things that I gave up this time. I am not on a diet, although I am breastfeeding. For the first time I sat on one buckwheat - and the child's stomach ached for the first six months constantly. Now I eat everything - and there are no rashes, no colic (only the first month I suffered a little). We traveled the entire pregnancy - up to 36 weeks. And only three weeks before giving birth, they temporarily landed. After giving birth, it took time for the paperwork and visas. But in his three months we flew back into the summer.
We just built it into our regular life. And he is not bored. Brothers and parents are constantly around. And he is interested. He swims in the pool even when the water is cold. And before, I would sit on the shore and be sad that everyone but me is in the water. Now we have found a way out - a circle around the neck - and into the water with everyone. I'm near, but I'm swimming at this time. It's the same everywhere. The sling frees my hands - and we can walk as before, go to the shops. There is nothing that I would deprive myself of.
When he is awake, he is by my side. While I cook, clean, communicate with his brothers, with my husband. He is with us all the time, he is not the navel of the universe. He is just one more person in our family. The smallest. Whom you can still cuddle, who still sleeps a lot, laughs contagiously and has a deep all-penetrating look.
Once a day I go for a walk - it is sports exercises - one. Without anyone. Although she could have been wearing a sling. And probably, if need be, I will. Half an hour is enough for me to work out and get bored. And my husband copes with three for half an hour quite calmly.
There is nothing that I can look at and lick my lips. Worry that because of him I can not do this. Everything can be done with a child - I am convinced of this. And he is calmer, crying only on occasion. Not all the time on his hands, often lying on the mat and exercising. And around him events, activities are unfolding, life is in full swing.
So yes - three is easier. Because the elders only by their presence fascinate the baby, occupy his attention - even if they do not address him directly. Because I already have experience and understanding of what not to do. And because it is no longer possible to build the whole world around a baby - who does not need it.
And when it suddenly becomes quiet at home - for example, the elders leave with dad to the store, Luka and I become sad, and even not at ease. When you have three children, left with one child, you end up in a sanatorium. This is both pleasant and useful. But at the same time, it's boring. I love our noise and din so much when there is a lot of children's laughter, voices, songs in the house. Yes, there are fights, tears, bruises, and resentment. It doesn’t tire me, it’s a continuation of the joyful part of motherhood.
For me, a big family is happiness. When everyone is so different, but together. And they love each other. When the elder kisses the baby. When the middle one hugs the older brother before going to bed. When the kid gags and laughs at the songs of the middle brother. When we are all in bed together, dad and the elders are fighting, while the baby and I look and smile. When we all swim together. Or we go to the bathhouse. Or we host guests. Or we're going somewhere. Or we just eat ice cream, and the kid looks at us from his sun lounger.
For me, happiness looks like this. And with each next child it becomes easier and more interesting.
How not to go crazy with three childrenSometimes the childless and small girlfriends who come in for tea and pies ask: “Tell me, how do you manage it? Three children, a lot of work, the laurels of Turkish housewives (this is in the sense of daily cleaning and washing of floors and common areas), and besides, you have time to bake pies every day! And how are you still alive to this day? "
I share the recipe for free: I don't know.
I don’t know when I’m doing everything, and how I manage not to go crazy. And what is interesting - I remember very well those blessed times when I had one child. Peaceful, surprisingly calm Constantine would not let me do anything. I had no time to do anything, ate instant Chinese noodles, washed the floors once a week and quietly went crazy with the desperation of what was happening.
Sometimes, completely desperate, I went with the child to my grandmother, and the two of us did not have time to do anything. And this was my calmest son, who did not require that he be constantly carried in his arms, who slept in the sleep of an angel day and night, did not suffer from nightmares and infant intestinal colic.
Looking back, I understand that then it was much harder for me than now, when I have three children - 14, 13 and 3 years old, respectively.
The years passed. Rather, only 1.5 years have passed, and I have two children. Having enriched myself with my beautiful boy Temochka, I fully sipped the joys of motherhood: neatly from 6 to 9 pm, the child toiled with colic, did not get off his hands until 7 months inclusive, sobbed at night and picked up viruses of unknown origin from neighbors sneezing behind the wall from another entrance.
But what is strange - even with such a "problem" child, I had time for cooking, cleaning, hand washing baby diapers with grated laundry soap and even for my personal life.
But in terms of creating hemorrhoids per capita, no one surpassed my marvelous youngest son Andryushka. This is a terrible person! Until he was 2.5 years old, he believed that a night's sleep was such a setup, invented by loving parents solely for the purpose of building all kinds of intrigues and conspiracies against him, his beloved. Therefore, until the age of 2.5, the child entertained us and himself by waking up at about 3 in the morning with one exclusive purpose - to sing.
It sang loudly, rolling and boisterous. In the melody of the songs performed, "Bandera Rossa", "Marseillaise" and "Bella Chao" were clearly auditioned. Maybe there was an "Internationale" too, but we did not catch it?
By this time, the older sons had already grown up pretty much, therefore, on the one hand, it was possible to very partially shift some household chores or fiddling with the baby to them, which, by the way, they did very willingly, since they did not feel a “competitor” in him. Rather, they perceived him as a living toy, like a puppy or a kitten: so funny, touching.
On the other hand, can you imagine how teenagers eat in puberty? No? I'll tell you now. They don't even eat. They sweep. For example, the eldest son (12 years old) comes from school and says: “Mother, I had lunch at school. Do we have anything to eat? " Then - in the light - a couple of bowls of borscht, navy-style pasta and a liter and a half of milk with some kind of pie or bun.
Therefore, you have to cook every day: you cook a large pot of soup, stew potatoes with meat, bake pies with cabbage - well, eh-eh-eh-eh, you don't have to go to the stove for a couple of days. But no! And by the evening, the pan shines with pristine cleanliness, the frying pan keeps her company, and on the plate lies a lonely lonely pie left by the mother by caring children. "A bast hangs on the stake, let's start all over again!" (with)
Among other things, in my house there are exclusively men who are genetically incapable of maintaining cleanliness. Well, they don't know how to do that. They might be happy, but genetics does not allow it. Therefore, after reading on the Internet about how Turkish housewives daily shake all beds, wash floors and common areas, wash ovens, hoods and kitchen cabinets every other day, sort out wardrobes and dust off balconies once a week, I immediately felt ashamed ... Laurels of Turkish housewives beat Claes' ashes against my chest. True, to my shame, I stopped at daily cleaning of floors and common areas, but I do it every day. Like Our Father. Not counting the cleaning "on the tops", collecting socks of varying degrees of wear and tearing the mass of everything exciting from different places not intended for this.
At the same time, I do not have a nanny. And there is no housekeeper either. Since half a year of paying some nanny - and my children and I are left without a summer trip somewhere to the sea. I cannot do this. Therefore, I do everything myself. I don’t know when. I can't imagine. I have the same 24 hours a day as it was 10-12 years ago, but now I manage to do much more in a day than when I was the mother of only one child.
Thinking over this article, I came to the conclusion that all the "magic wands for mothers with many children" can be combined into four points. Of course, all of the following is exclusively my IMHO, I do not pretend to be the ultimate truth. So.
First, a child at any age is not a helpless invalid. He is able to bring a pot for himself, and put his plate in the sink, and give his younger brother a lost nipple. It would seem - trifles, but remember that a penny saves the ruble.
It is these little things that save time. And when the children are already adults, and the husband, in fact, is also already a big boy - they can be entrusted with a lot. But at the same time, it is important to observe the fine line between helping mom and enslavement.
A child, no matter who he is in the family, should have a full-fledged childhood. Therefore, in my opinion, he should have a clearly defined range of responsibilities, such as taking out the trash can in the evening, going to the store once a week, walking with the baby for an hour on Saturday, and the rest of the time - his. Inviolable, except, of course, some force majeure.
Secondly, household appliances are our everything. To some, a bread maker and a dishwasher may seem luxury. A washing machine, thank God, is, in my opinion, no longer a luxury to anyone. But these devices help save tons of time. Here I am going about my business: I walk with the child, check the lessons of the older sons, knit a sweater or work with the baby, and the good mechanisms will wash my dishes, and the laundry will be washed, and the dough will be kneaded. Really - 1.5 hours, and you can sculpt pies.
And thirdly, "the eggs discipline the hen." It is impossible to teach a woman to properly allocate her time. It is very individual and comes with experience. Any business, as it were, is divided into major and minor ones. Plus, of course, when the child is alone, a lot of effort, time and nerves is spent on all sorts of non-constructive experiences: “Did I swaddle him correctly? Isn't it hot for him? Isn't it cold? And he has a temperature - what a nightmare! Where to run, what to grab onto? "
But when the experience is already there, all actions are worked out to automatism: we at the subconscious level know what and how we should do at the moment, and do not waste time on mental anguish.
And last but not least: any child should know that mom is a person too, and not just an appendage to the kitchen stove and Yandex - there is - everything. And this very mother also has the right to personal time.
And when my children realized this, everything in my life fell into place. Which is what I wish for you too ..
