Some time after the birth of the first child, many families think about the birth of a second child. And rightly so, because children with a small age difference are always closer to each other, and parents are full of strength to raise and educate both. When both parents consider the completion of the family is quite natural, it's just wonderful. But what if dad is against it?
A situation in which a woman dreams of replenishing the family, but her husband does not want this, is, unfortunately, not rare. Sometimes a woman encounters indifference or even irritation and anger from her husband. And if the pregnancy has already occurred, he insists on an abortion.
If the husband does not want a second child - what to do, why does not want to? How to convince a man, to persuade him? Let's figure it out together:
Why is the husband against?
In such a situation, one should not put pressure on a man, all the more so to use emotions, which in this case are unlikely to help. Try to find out the reason for his unwillingness to become a father a second time, talk to him frankly. Psychologists name many possible reasons. Let's dwell on the most common:
Financial situation
He is simply afraid that the family will no longer have enough money, especially if the family is not rich anyway. After all, children need to be fed, dressed, shoes, bought toys, collected for school, but you never know what the family needs.
In addition, the first-born is still small, the wife does not work. The man is seriously afraid that there will not be enough money for a quality vacation, for some of his own hobbies. And it is more difficult to provide two children with a good education than one.
If this is the reason, before starting a conversation about a second child, wait until the end of maternity leave and go to work. If you are a housewife, then you need to find a job. This will provide additional funding. In addition, the things of the firstborn from which he grew up, his toys, etc. can become your arguments. You don't need to spend extra money for all this.
Housing issue
Unfortunately, very few young families have their own spacious housing. Most of them either rent small apartments, rooms, or live with their parents, or even with brothers and sisters. As the head of the family, a man understands that the appearance of another child will worsen already not very comfortable living conditions. Therefore, the lack of a spacious apartment, where it would be comfortable for everyone and not crowded, is a good reason against.
However, try to explain to him that while the child is small, he does not need much space. Over time, you can put a bunk bed for children, it will take up as much space as a regular one. A weighty argument can be maternity capital, which can be used to improve the living conditions of the family.
Man's age
Young men often do not want a second child, because they believe that youth is leaving, but they want to live for themselves too. They want to do everything while they are young: travel, finish or improve their education, pursue a career, and so on. And the birth of another baby can be planned "for later."
If this is the reason, tell him that it is better to raise children now, when the parents are young, they still have a lot of strength, health and energy for this. In 5-10 years, all this may no longer be. And old age is better to meet in a large family.
Fear of wife's second pregnancy
The fact is that men remember very well how the wife did not want to, and how her appearance changed. They do not forget about the sleepless nights after the birth of a child, diapers, diapers, the search for the right baby food, frequent quarrels, etc. Maybe for a woman this is not a reason, but for a man it is a strong argument.
Women often stop paying enough attention to their husbands after the birth of a child, giving all their attention and love to the baby. Men are very worried, although they may not show it. Often during this period there are love affairs on the side. In addition, many causes of male bad habits may have roots in this period.
What to do?
If he is against, do not panic and do not be upset. Start gradually preparing your loved one, step by step, day by day. Never pressure him, don't make a scene, and don't go ahead. You'll only make it worse. Moreover, do not put him before the fact of a pregnancy that has already happened - this can only aggravate the situation.
Do not lie to yourself, not to him, saying that this time you will easily go through pregnancy, cope with hormonal failure, and will not become irritated and capricious. That you will treat him as now, you yourself will get up to the baby at night and wash diapers. Do not say that you will not get fat and will carefully monitor yourself.
It is better to tell him how dear he is to you, how much you love him, that you want to give birth to a baby from him, but you just want an abstract child. Remember, you must make this important decision only together, because that's what you and the family are for.
Be patient, unobtrusively return to this issue, gently persuade. Tell us how great it is to have a big friendly family, how it will be interesting for him with children when they grow up.
If he insists on an abortion
This situation is extremely difficult for a woman. When pregnancy has come, and a man is categorically against the child and insists on an abortion, this is a real tragedy for a woman. Therefore, it is necessary to remind once again that it is necessary to plan the birth together. Then you will not have to make a terrible choice - to give birth or to kill the emerging life. Moreover, it is always worth remembering that.
You need to understand that the onset of pregnancy will not keep the husband if he does not want a child. A woman risks being left alone with two babies in her arms. But even if you have an abortion, it is unlikely to help save the family.
If your loved one insists on getting rid of pregnancy, talk to him, explain what it is and how it can affect a woman’s health, that there is a high risk of remaining childless for life. Men often do not understand the dangers of abortion, considering it a mere medical procedure, no more dangerous than going to the dentist.
Show him the results of the ultrasound, tell him that you don't want to kill a child from a loved one. Explain why abortion is dangerous for you, for your health. If he loves you, cares for you, he will definitely understand.
Try to understand that fatherhood, unlike motherhood, is not a natural instinct - it is a purely social phenomenon. Therefore, paternal feelings do not come to a man immediately. Maybe he will feel like a dad in a month after the birth of the baby, or maybe in a year or several years. Some of them don't come at all. Therefore, a lot depends on you. The right tactics, plus his feelings for you, will most likely help you convince him.
If the husband has reasons for bad habits, he suffers from cravings for alcohol or drugs, then think about whether you need a pregnancy from this person?
In conclusion of our conversation, it must be recalled that when planning a pregnancy, a woman must be sure of her state of health. must also be submitted. Therefore, if you both decide to have another child, pay attention to your immune system. Here are two popular recipes for strengthening the body's defenses, increasing its resistance to diseases:
Folk recipes to increase immunity
Grind with a blender or with a meat grinder (it is easier to use an electric one) well-washed dried fruits: figs, dried apricots, figs and raisins, which you take 50-100 g each. Add the same amount of chopped almonds or walnuts. Transfer to a jar, fill with honey to cover the surface of the mixture. Stir, store refrigerated. Eat 1-2 tbsp per day.
Eat fresh cranberries and lingonberries according to the season. Prepare fruit drinks, add leaves to tea brewing tea. Berries contain many useful substances, effectively strengthen the immune system. Be healthy and happy!
Denying children to a woman is a step with far-reaching consequences. Perhaps that is why the unwillingness of the spouse to infringe on their interests is manifested precisely in the case of the second child. And everything seems to be logical: there is a continuation of the family, everything is like with people, and there is no need to go through nighttime insomnia and austerity due to diapers for the second time.
About this - a letter from our reader, who wrote on [email protected] website
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I used to think that if a man wants children in principle, then the number does not matter anymore.
I really sympathized with my friend, whose husband has categorically refused to have a child for 6 years. And I thought to myself how lucky I was with my husband, who was never afraid of the prospect of having a baby. But a surprise awaited me...
We have a boy. I have always dreamed of a daughter
No, I love my son, but I also want to braid pigtails. It turns out that the husband got what he wanted - a son, but I can no longer.
The first excuse is "there is no money."
As if a child must be bought for big money, like a thoroughbred cat. So much left of the old one! And the stroller has not yet been sold (it is in the basement), and there is a crib, and there was no one to distribute clothes. So what, that boyish. Half will definitely pass for unisex.
I explain to him - in any. After scouring the Internet, I realized that the problem of disagreeing with a second child is much more common than simply abandoning children. But there is little consolation in this. I read the advice of psychologists on how to persuade - nothing works.
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I've been pleading for a year now, but nothing has changed. Absolutely no
I worried a lot, tried to justify him, to put myself in his place.
What was so bad about this period of our son's infancy that he doesn't want to go through it again? Yes, the first pregnancy was quite difficult, I had to lie a lot on conservation, take care of myself like a crystal vase ...
Therefore, in terms of intimacy, the husband ended up on dry rations for a long time. After giving birth, there was also some time not at all before that. It may well be that he does not want to be in this situation again.
But isn't a new life worth a little infringement on yourself? It turns out that it's a question of priorities.
In addition, the son was very restless from birth: he slept badly, and they ran a lot to the doctors, and his legs did not develop correctly. Now everything has improved. But in the first year, his whole life revolved around him.
For me, this is normal, but it was then that my husband began to freak out.
He had never demanded “hot freshly cooked food” from me before, in matters of everyday life he behaved quite democratically. And then suddenly he sometimes began to be offended why the food had not been boiled for his arrival. Explanations that she was engaged in a child did not satisfy.
I understand that my mother-in-law once raised him alone - she did not care for the soul. He is accustomed to all-round care ... But before all this did not apply to me.
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The more the child grew up, the more demanding the husband became.
I heard before about children's jealousy of younger brothers and sisters. But never seen an adult.
It was as if he began to compete with his young son, who was better prepared or who was stroked more.. It is clear that the son always won.
Never before have I seen a child in an adult man, but then suddenly it happened. He began to act up even in his own way. Sometimes there is a feeling that I am raising two.
This was not the case before. As if some part of the personality was revealed. I myself want to be naughty. But I can't afford it anymore.
Once I already saw something similar in the family of my girlfriend: around the first child, the husband tiptoed around, and when she was pregnant with the second, he rather endured it than jumped with happiness. And the whole burden of worries with the second baby has already fallen on her shoulders. Apparently, the male limit of over-care has dried up on the first daughter.
It turns out that earlier men took wives to give birth to more children. And now it turns out that the right to give birth still needs to be earned. I can't cheat...
In your opinion, is it easy to persuade a man to have a child? How?
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