I don't understand at all what is happening to me. I should rejoice, because my daughter is finally with me, but I don’t even have the strength to smile. It seems to me that life has become a routine: ironing, cleaning, walking, feeding, bathing ... that's all I see. I know I shouldn't think like that, but I can't help it. I am angry with my husband, the crying of the child annoys me, I myself constantly cry.
Ekaterina, 22 years old
Many mothers in the postpartum period experience a condition postpartum depression. This is a very common mood, especially if the child is the firstborn. A woman can give up, she can become indifferent even to her own child, a feeling of depression and oppression appears. This state is joined by constant fatigue from sleepless nights and the cycle of household chores. And although this is a completely natural and sometimes necessary stage of adaptation to motherhood, it is most difficult for women who have not had time to psychologically prepare for a new role during pregnancy. Mood instability, irritability, confusion can last from several weeks to months, so it is better not to wait until this temporary state passes by itself, but to take action and help yourself cope with the oncoming depression.
Postpartum depression: what to do?
First of all, in order to avoid such a situation, try from the very first days after the birth of the baby to be close to him and take care of the baby on your own, otherwise after returning from the hospital, domestic problems, and a misunderstanding of your child, and a complete absence of caring skills. Of course, this does not mean that you need to be left alone with the crumbs and all the troubles. On the contrary, accepting and realizing your duties and responsibilities, attract assistants. It's okay if dad or grandma walks with the child for a couple of hours while you read a book, soak in the bathroom or do a manicure. Keep in mind that many things can wait, while others can be simplified. It is not necessary to iron all the children's things on both sides, it is always useful to have a supply of frozen vegetables and pre-cooked and frozen meatballs in the refrigerator in case you do not have enough time for dinner. Allow yourself to be an "imperfect mom" and motherhood will begin to bring joy.
Do not keep emotions in yourself: if you realize that tears are choking you, allow yourself to cry for a few minutes, kick a pillow, tear plain paper into many small pieces. So you give vent to negative emotions and do not “break loose” on your husband or child. Get enough sleep with your child (while the baby is small and often sleeps) to feel rested, walk even through force on sunny days (vitamin D and fresh air will improve mood), do not neglect your hobby, especially if it is related to creativity. Perhaps this way you will not be able to clean the apartment and wash the dishes, but you will transform irritation and apathy into a desire to live and enjoy the present moment. And most importantly, remember that the cure for any sadness is your baby. Look at him with a different look, because a child is not only an object of constant care and concern, he is also a little man with his own character, emotions, constant desire for communication and development. It grows and changes every day, and watching this amazing process can bring joy and pleasure.
"I don't love my child!"
After giving birth, I was offered to take the baby in my arms. Looking at my son, I tried to feel a surge of happiness and unconditional love, which I read so much about, but I didn’t feel anything. And when the baby began to demand constant attention, often cried and did not sleep well, I was completely horrified to discover in myself the appearance of negative emotions towards the child: “I am a bad mother! I can't love my own son! I don’t understand what to do, I feel hostility towards him, and there is no tenderness, no matter how hard I try to force myself ... "
Polina, 25 years old
Feeling dislike for your own child is a very disturbing phenomenon, but in fact, from a psychological point of view, it is not so rare. Many mothers do not want to acknowledge these socially frowned upon feelings, others try to hide them, and only a few find the courage and strength to openly admit them. And this is already a good sign, which means that a woman is ready to cope with the problem, she has a desire to establish harmony in her inner world and love her baby. There are many reasons for such negative emotions. Perhaps the baby was born of the wrong sex, as expected, and the mother feels guilty, and the child is perceived as unnecessary, or maybe the woman has serious problems in the family or with the father of the child, or pregnancy and childbirth caused the destruction of pre-built life plans. Be that as it may, many mothers, without even realizing it, blame the child for being the cause of such changes. However, do not reproach yourself for these thoughts, self-flagellation will only exacerbate the problem.
“I don’t love my child!”: what to do?
According to statistics, 10% of women at the time of childbirth (and some time after them) do not turn on the maternal instinct. That is, every tenth woman does not feel anything for a newborn, even if before that she was looking forward to his appearance. Why this happens and how to awaken the maternal instinct - the answers to all these questions are best found before pregnancy.
Why is there no love for a child
Despite the fact that the problem of the lack of maternal instinct occurs in a variety of women, the reasons for it are always the same, and they have nothing to do with the moral character of the mother.
So, most often the lack of love for a newborn is due to:
Hormonal problems
The maternal instinct is based on a complex of hormones, and insufficient production of them can lead to a lack of emotions;
postpartum depression
Nervousness, fear, apathy and self-doubt prevent a young mother from indulging in positive emotions. In this case, only a specialist will help. It is senseless and even dangerous to wait for everything to “dissolve itself”;
Fatigue
Physical exhaustion after childbirth can also leave an imprint on the attitude towards the child;
Prolonged separation of mother and child
If, after childbirth, the condition of the mother or child requires medical intervention, more than one day, or even a week, may pass before the desired meeting. In this case, it will be quite difficult to establish contact with the newborn.
Alice, mother of two : “Throughout my first pregnancy, I was waiting for something unusual. It’s about to cover, it seemed to me, I’m about to test it. But neither the first ultrasound, nor the first push with a tiny leg from the inside gave anything. I hoped for childbirth - again silence. The first feeding - again nothing. I began to panic, especially looking at the tenderness of my roommates. Over the next three months, I got used to my daughter, took care of her, rejoiced at her successes, but to love - no, I did not love her.
And once, instead of classical music recommended by a pediatrician, I played her songs from children's fairy tales. And when the familiar “Bu-ra-ti-no” rang out, and the baby smiled, I was suddenly covered with a wave of such unusual emotions that I burst into tears and could not calm down for a long time. The realization of how dear this tiny pink peanut is to me came quite by accident. True, everything was different with the second child and the awakening of instinct was not long in coming.
Although in 90% of cases, the instinct is the instinct to wake up on their own, many mothers seek to speed up this process in order to avoid feeling their own inferiority. To do this is quite simple.
First, see a therapist and get tested for hormones. The doctor will confirm or deny the version that hormonal failure negatively affects your nervous system. If everything is in order, soberly assess the level of your fatigue. All thoughts are only about sleep? In this case, it is not surprising that there is no power left for love.
Review household duties, give up some of them, shift something to other family members, forget about something for a while. Get enough sleep at least once or twice a week. To do this, express milk in advance and ask the child's father to take over the feeding and care of the baby.
After resting, start looking for positive moments in communication with your child. Forget for a while about the scientific approach and educational games - dance, sing children's songs, walk, go with your child to the pool or to the amusement park, in general, remember your childhood.
Pediatrician Irina Troyanovskaya : “As a doctor, it is much easier and more convenient for me to work with mothers who live by the brain, and not by instinct. These women do not panic because of every sneeze of a child, do not wrap him up beyond measure, follow all the recommendations and will not hysteria for no reason. So, in terms of benefit to the child, the lack of pronounced maternal feelings is not so bad.
In order not to aggravate this condition, bringing yourself to a nervous breakdown, you should avoid the following points:
Open communication on the subject with relatives and friends
Even the closest and dearest people are able to go too far, advising them to devote themselves completely to the fulfillment of maternal duties. Do not try to follow all the advice without exception, some of the recommendations of well-wishers may upset you;
Visiting thematic forums and searching for allies in social networks
Striving to be the perfect mother
Wash the house, cook the first, second and compote, iron a dozen diapers, and then, smiling happily, rock the baby to sleep - only a female superhero is capable of this. Believe me, it’s better to get by with semi-finished products or not wash the corridor than to overwork and become depressed.
Psychologist-consultant of the Institute of Group and Family Psychology and Psychotherapy Alexandra Suchkova recommends: “Don't consider yourself a monster just because you don't have passionate feelings for your own child. Emotional attachment to a person, as a rule, develops gradually, and after a while you will no longer be so indifferent to the baby.
Remember that first of all, care and care are important for a child in infancy, and you can give them only if you are calm and balanced. Often dislike for the child says only that you are tired. Try to get enough sleep at least one night a week, redistribute household chores, devote more time to your desires. Nature is wise, and you just have to wait a little while the basic instincts awaken.”
Often phrases are heard from young women: “I don’t want children”, “I don’t like children”, and even “I hate them!”.
What is happening with society? Upbringing? Propaganda from Europe?
Or do such women need the help of a specialist psychologist?
In ancient times, such women went hunting with their husbands. They could not give birth to children and had no feelings for children. They were used to protect those giving birth. In fact, this is a mental deviation, because. in the body of a woman, as a rule, contains a certain gene responsible for the formation of maternal instinct.
The human psyche is divided into vectors. Men have developed several vectors. The female sex is a multi-vector being. With the birth of a child, the maternal instinct wakes up in her. The voice of the beast. child defense system.
Girls who have developed several vectors are rare and quite cruel. They are capable of killing, act mainly with emotions. But it was they who helped the human race to survive. Acting on impulse, they saved entire tribes.
2. Existence of childless populations
Each person has a "package" of genes and chromosomes responsible for the conception of children. Some people (both men and women) do not have such functions. That is, they cannot have children. Generally. With such deviations, these people cannot love children. As a rule, they treat them indifferently.3. Belated maternal instinct
This is the presence of an “unawakened” maternal instinct. There are many myths that the voice of the beast will wake up in a woman who has given birth immediately after childbirth. Or in a day or so. But it happens that feelings do not wake up immediately.
Here are some reasons why you might be late:
- difficult childbirth;
- childbirth with medications;
- C-section.
After suffering, a woman does not immediately feel love for a child. The instinct comes after a few days, and sometimes even months ...
4. Psychological lack of maternal instinct
It often happens that parents pay little attention to children, disadvantaged or busy at work ...Looking at such an attitude, the child does not have a very good memory. As a result, such children are not eager to have children. Subconsciously, protecting your creation from "dislike" and disappointment. As if saving them from disappointment.
Childfree and childheit - what kind of life position?
These two definitions came to us from the West. They mean "freedom from children" and "hatred of children", from the English word child - children, free - freedom, hat - hatred (childfree, childhate).People with such positions in life are consciously childless. They don't want to have children. "Haters" in general would like to destroy them. But unfortunately the law does not allow. What motivates these people for their choice? What are they doing?
In their free time, they travel, enjoy various activities, and love animals. But in no case do they want children (refers to childfree). At the same time, children are often called insulting words, and mothers were given the nickname “ovulyashki”, “ovulyakhi”. How does a person come to such a position? What ways? After all, everyone is born with the same ignorance of the world.
1. Teenagers who came to childfree
They argue their path by the fact that babies are evil. Sometimes obscene language plays with different colors in words. Among teenagers, few treat crumbs adequately. Most often, the mood is aggressive.If you interview the majority of positioners, then you can trace a more or less difficult childhood for everyone, in which there is a younger brother or sister. Against the backdrop of resentment towards parents, adolescence takes its toll on children.
In general, it is not for nothing that this period of life is considered the most difficult. Rearrangement of the psyche, puberty ... Such childfree people leave hope that over time they will understand a lot and reconsider their outlook on life.
2. Girls under 22 who came to childfree
Here, as a rule, offended feelings manifest themselves. Unsuccessful love, pregnancy and abortion, ugly parting. All this is quite hard to bear, especially for girls. But they just need time to recover. Most of the time it goes away.3. Those who came to childfree in adulthood
Most often women. Usually they hide it, but most likely they are childless. And in order not to talk about their problem right and left, they hide behind this position. Because nothing else remains.4 Childfree Propaganda From Europe
Europe... Many want to live according to European standards. Get high salaries and go on trips. At present, homosexuality is flourishing among Europeans, the desire to live "for oneself" ... The same is happening in Russia. If people over 40 cannot be broken, then youth, please. The lack of children is "introduced" so that people give birth as little as possible. Smaller army. Fewer patriots. Perfect puppets.
This type of childfree is usually educated people. They think a lot, read books, engage in various activities. But they don't want to breed. Some even do vasectomy, sterilization.
It is difficult for ordinary people to communicate with this layer of society. They tend to criticize all children and parents, commenting that the latter have no brains...
5. Childhait - deto-haters
The aggravated position of childfree. They promote not the birth, sterilization, but also the killing of children.It is believed that since they are of no use, they are not needed in this wide world. Moreover, most of them have a negative attitude towards all people, believing that they will always teach them about life and preach childbearing.
Conclusion
What is it, the position of "free from children"? Why don't they like them? Most often from these people you can hear about ill-bred children. About encouraging their mothers to do ugly deeds. But in fact, the kids have nothing to do with it. They don't educate themselves. Thus, positioners do not like ill-mannered adults, and dislike for children is already a consequence of education.Perhaps positioners have misplaced priorities, or perhaps they are simply getting rid of a huge responsibility.
From all of the above, it can be seen that the absence of a maternal instinct is not always a mistake of nature. This deviation prevails due to powerful propaganda from outside.
My name is Alexander. Soon it will be 21 years old.
Recently, one problem began to disturb me (before, I simply did not pay attention to it). Perhaps I will explain the problem along with my story.
From early childhood, I was brought up in a full-fledged, it seems, family. Dad, mom me. My father first worked, then became incapacitated and began to drink, and as a result, he could no longer live without alcohol. He was often drunk and rarely sober. Did basically 2 things - Slept and watched TV. Naturally, the drunken folder didn’t really care about his son, so he somehow didn’t particularly attach himself to me.
Mom ... Mom worked from 8 to 18 hours. She stayed with me only on weekends, which I spent on the street playing football and just walking. Helped with the lessons. Cooked for the two of us with my father. Retracted. Almost all the housework was on her. Therefore, she did not rest much on weekends either. In general, as you probably understood, no one devoted much time to me. But. I was brought up just fine. No deviations, almost everything is fine.
p.s. I wrote this so that you could imagine how I was brought up and in what conditions, so that if it somehow affects my problem, which I will describe below.
In general, the problem is that I do not know if I love my mother. And this is a very cryptic question, and I don't know what exactly is the problem. There are people who consciously dislike relatives for certain qualities/character/actions, etc. I can't tell you a single thing that I don't like about my mom. She does a lot for me, and it is clear to the naked eye that she loves me (especially since I am the only child in the family). I, in turn, cannot reciprocate. And I do not know why. Why did I decide so? according to some of my behavior and observation of it:
For example, when my mother wants to hug me and hugs me, I have a very strange feeling. I can't call it embarrassment, because. Even when there is no one I have this feeling. Feeling of alienation or something. You know, when, for example, a mother takes her son to a new school, and before letting him go, kisses, says some recommendations and hugs. And the child at the same time dodges and wants to run away as soon as possible. I have something similar. I cannot sincerely want to hug my mother, or another person close to me.
I also noticed that I can’t sincerely, from the bottom of my heart, congratulate a person even on his birthday. Most people feel that when they congratulate, they will please the person, and because of this they want to call and congratulate. In my case, there is some kind of embarrassment, or I don’t know what it is. I can't explain this feeling. It looks like shyness, but can it be that I am shy of my own mother? and other relatives/people with whom I have similar feelings.
Than it can be caused? I don't even have an idea. What to call it and how to get rid of it?
I am horrified at the thought that I am indifferent to my mother, if so. Or I have some kind of reflex to such things.
They sincerely want to congratulate me, but I think - "Come on as soon as possible." I feel uncomfortable even when they congratulate me, say kind words.
Help me understand what's wrong with me, because I have no options for answering this problem
except for one thought: in order to love other people, you must first love yourself.
Yes, my self-esteem does not shine, but is it related?
Help me to understand. You are welcome. I want this sincerity, with which I will be the first to hug people, congratulate them, rejoice for them when they feel good, and many many more good things.
Thanks in advance.....
So, perhaps, the most long-awaited moment in the life of every woman has come - I became a mother. Here lies this little lump, so defenseless, and I stand over it and nothing yokes inside me. And I get scared. What if it doesn’t freeze, what if I can’t love my child !? But, the maternal instinct has awakened. My love for my children is boundless. I love my children very much and will do everything for them and for them. but not always the maternal instinct wakes up in a woman.
I have a friend, her son is almost 7 years old. I can't say that she doesn't love him at all. No, he loves, sometimes even as if very much. But it's all very revealing to the public. She dresses him very well, he is always clean, well-fed, but his eyes are very sad. Apparently the child feels that the mother only has an obligation to love him. But he is her son! She was his, instinct had to wake up by itself, without coercion. But the mechanism did not work, and she did not feel anything when the baby was born. I didn’t even feel when he first time to her, and even when he said the first “mother”. She herself admits that she does not want him, does not want to kiss, pity, praise. No, of course she kisses him and praises him, but only because it is necessary, without "excessive" emotions. She does not scold him, does not yell at him, but does not think about him when he is at school and she is at work.
The birth of a child was not a surprise to her. She married for love. Live for yourself. Apartment, car, good and favorite work. Planned child. Easy pregnancy, normal delivery. But there was a failure in the system - and love for the child did not wake up. When he was little, deep down she wanted him to die. I just stopped breathing at night. But he grew up, went to first grade, but nothing has changed.
The kid loves his mother very much, reaches out to her, but she is cold, I feel sorry for her, I know that she is very tormented, but I can’t help her. I can't force her to love her child.
Is love for a child really inherent in nature? After all, there are parents who abandon, get rid of their children. And how many of those who just pretend to love. Perhaps it's still an acquired feeling. After all, men do not have maternal instinct, but, sometimes, it is stronger than maternal. Some people just don't get that feeling.
But I do not understand HOW you can not love your child!? Yes, I scold my children, Yes, sometimes I want to spank one of them properly, but I can't imagine life without them. After all, they are part of me.
Love your children! Pamper them, and do not be afraid to pamper them, because no one knows what life has prepared for them.
