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How to determine if a marriage is over. How to know if your marriage is successful. Overly Passionate Honeymoon

Content:

Ending a marriage has never been an easy decision, and you definitely shouldn't make it quickly and without hesitation. While each situation has its own nuances, there are some general warning signs that may indicate that your relationship is already over.

Steps

Part 1 Disengagement (Distance)

1 Spend time together. For a marriage to be considered normal, you must spend time with each other. If you avoid each other and find it much easier when you are apart, then this may be a clear sign of separation.
- Ask yourself how much time you spend with your spouse, then compare that amount to the time you spend at work (not counting the time you have to spend at work), with friends, with family, or on the internet. Also count the amount of time your spouse spends without you.
- While it's okay to spend time apart, it's important to spend time together. If you devote most of your free time to something else, and not to a partner, or he does the same towards you, then the problem exists for sure.
2 Talk about communication problems. If you and your spouse can no longer talk openly about what's really important, then there's no way you can fix the problems in your marriage.
- You need to discuss not only topics related to everyday life. Open communication is fundamental to emotional intimacy, without which you will inevitably begin to drift apart. This can become even more of a problem if both of you refuse to be open with each other, but you can talk to other people with a greater degree of vulnerability.
- Ask yourself with whom you will share the most important thing that can happen in your life first. The answer should be "with a spouse." If you would rather talk to someone other than your spouse (even if it's just a relative), then you have already lost the emotional closeness you need.
- Also ask yourself if you're actually interested in hearing about your spouse's life. You must have a natural desire to listen and care for your spouse, otherwise you will end up pushing each other away.
3 Work as a team. Spouses who get through the day-to-day worries as a team are conducive to the continuation of their marriage, but if you leave each other in pursuit of your own interests, you will not be able to effectively reconcile your daily life.
- Marriage requires people to live their lives together, and teamwork in this matter is extremely important. You need to learn how to make joint decisions about things that affect both of you, including parenting and financial matters.
- You also need to consider your spouse as a team when you think about your own ambitions, and the same should be the case in return. Spouses who work towards different goals end up drifting apart.
4 Raise the issue of intimacy. Physical intimacy is an important part of any marriage. The reluctance to spend time in each other's arms indicates a serious loss of physical and emotional attraction.
- Lack or lack of physical intimacy does not always doom a marriage if the problem is physical or mental health, but if it's all about the lack of desire itself, then this can be a very bad sign.
- Keep in mind that physical intimacy includes sex, but it's not just about sex. Other forms of physical intimacy can be just as significant: holding hands, hugging, and so on.
5 Think about the future. More precisely, think about the future without a spouse and try to understand how you feel about this. If such fantasies make you feel rather strong feelings of joy, then perhaps your subconscious mind is sending you a sign that it's over.
- However, this should not be your only reason for ending the relationship, and you should not rush through the process after one or two such thoughts. Such fantasies are often unrealistic, especially if they are the result of a midlife crisis, so don't decide your future based on them alone.
- On the other hand, if there are other problems in your marriage, and the thought of breaking up brings you much more joy than staying together, then you should take this as a warning sign.

Part 2 Unhealthy Behaviors

1 Respect each other. Both spouses should have a healthy level of respect for each other. In the event that one of you shows a lack of respect for the other, you are more likely to become adversaries rather than allies.
- The signs of disrespect are quite obvious, and a spouse who succumbs to such treatment constantly feels rejected and humiliated. In many cases, this problem can be solved with a conversation or consultation. But if it is still ignored, then the lack of respect can lead to a situation where nothing can be corrected.
2 Be alert for signs of narcissism. Each of us demonstrates some degree of high self-importance to some extent, but both spouses should recognize the contribution of the other as well as their own.
- Ask yourself how you discuss your overall contribution to your life together. If you're constantly competing by comparing how hard you work and how much energy you expend on shared responsibilities (children, home, animals, and so on), then you may both assume that things are easier for the other spouse. This can make you feel mistreated and view your spouse as an enemy.
3 Beware of overwhelming negativity. In all healthy marriages, spouses fight, but when your fights and other negative interactions consistently crowd out the positive ones, your marriage can be in jeopardy.
- As a rule of thumb, for every negative interaction, there should be five positive interactions, and they can range from minor to quite large.
- Constantly complaining and blaming each other are standard signs of overwhelming negativity. Both actions set the spouses against each other, and as a result, instead of getting closer, you will become more and more distant.
- Note, however, that you don't have to worry too much if you're wondering if your marriage is more positive or negative. In most cases, if a marriage is filled with negativity, it will be obvious to both the participants and those around them.

Part 3 Irreconcilable Differences

1 Try to sort things out. If you or your spouse refuse to acknowledge the problem and try to fix it, then it will be next to impossible to save your marriage. One person is not able to solve a problem that affects another person, so both spouses must make a commitment to strengthen the marriage.
- Sometimes a similar situation arises when one of the spouses is not able to see the whole essence and reality of the problem. If your spouse turns a blind eye to such a problem, then he will definitely not take steps to solve it.
- In other cases, the spouse recognizes the problem, but does not want to solve it for one simple reason - he simply does not care anymore.
2 Limit time for therapy. Such sessions can help many marriages, but if trips to a psychotherapist last a year or even more, and nothing changes, then additional consultations with a specialist may not be useful in your situation.
- Even if you both want to make things right, you may not succeed because your disagreements and problems have gone too far.
- At the same time, you need to understand that slow progress is still progress. If a year of psychotherapy does not bring no result, this is usually a bad sign. But if during this time you have made even the slightest progress, then there may be a small chance to fix everything.
3 Talk about your views on the future. Problems can arise if both spouses have completely opposite views on the future. Disagreements like this don't always ruin a marriage, but they can if you can't find a common solution and middle ground among common goals.
- Disagreements about whether or not to have children are the most common in this regard. If one of you is absolutely sure that he wants children, and the other is absolutely sure of the opposite, then there is not the slightest chance of compromise, since this issue will be a constant source of tension and contention.
4 Find a compromise. No two people think exactly the same way. Sometimes you will have to compromise for your spouse, and he will have to do the same for you. As soon as one of the parties refuses to compromise, you will not be able to get along with each other.
- Some of your wants and needs will overlap, but many will not. You both need to be definitely honest about your own desires, and in turn, you must be willing to listen and accommodate those desires as needed.
- When one spouse refuses to compromise, or when you are approaching the point where no compromise can help, then your marriage is most likely on the path to breaking up.
5 . If you or your spouse have bad habits, then you will have to get rid of them and work hard to restore them if you do not want to completely destroy your marriage.
- Bad habits will always be in the first place for an addicted person, which is why they can be so destructive. If your spouse has any bad habit, then the priorities will definitely not be in favor of your marriage or family.
- As a rule, the dependent person will also refuse to admit his responsibility and may try to shift the blame to the spouse, and this will only exacerbate the problem.
6 Stay true. Despite the fact that infidelity will spoil any marriage, there is still a chance to save it if the cheating spouse corrects his mistakes. But cheaters who show no remorse for what they have done, or refuse to remain faithful, will not be able to do what it takes to save their marriage.
- It is considered a bad sign if the cheating spouse maintains a friendly relationship with a former lover, especially if this is the former lover with whom you cheated. An unwillingness to refuse to associate with this person suggests a lack of commitment to correcting mistakes in marriage.
- Similarly, if one of the spouses cheated more than once, then this indicates his inability to remain monogamous, and, accordingly, his inability to maintain the marriage. This is especially true if the cheater refuses to be held accountable for what he did.
7 Come to terms with the unchanging. Sometimes two well-intentioned spouses can try to make things right, but some lifestyle, health, or other "established" circumstances prevent a happy ending.
- For example, if you are in a heterosexual marriage and your spouse admits to being homosexual, there is no way around this problem. Even if you both care about each other emotionally, you won't be able to remain romantically attached.
- Or another example, while some couples remain together as a result of a tragedy experienced (for example, the loss of a child), others do the opposite. If each other's company only increases sadness, then perhaps the best way out of this situation is to part.

Angle

Most books and articles by psychologists advise how to save a marriage. But sometimes it's important to just understand that it's time to let each other go. So, if one or both partners do not want to make the slightest effort to reanimate the union, then such marriage is doomed. Another factor is time. "The countdown begins to tick when one partner brings the couple's problems into the public eye," says Bryce Kaye, Ph.D., author of The Marriage First Aid Kit. “The more time passes from now on without any effort being made, the less likely you are to stay together.”

There are some common signs that your marriage may be beyond repair.

1. You are no longer a couple.

A man and woman whose union is over—or nearly over—usually lose their close bond, says Elayne Savage, Ph.D., author of Respite: Making Space for the Couple.

“If you no longer spend time together, if one or both of you are constantly busy at work, with friends or online, and at the same time you feel relieved that you do not have to be with each other, then this indicates that you moving away from marriage,” she explains.

2. One of you gives up trying.

Some marriages face serious challenges that seem insurmountable. It could be infidelity, the loss of a close family member, or a long lack of sex. But, as Alisa Bowman, author of The Project: Happily Ever After, points out, if one partner raises an issue, asks for help, and makes it clear that the marriage won't survive unless both start working, the other refuses to go. towards, then we can say that such a marriage is in trouble.

"One partner can't try to do it all on their own," says Bowman. "So you're not going anywhere." There is one life rule: if a whole year has passed without progress, it may be time to end it.

3. Relationships lack respect.

One of the most important aspects in a relationship is mutual respect, Savage notes. If this is not the case, if one of the partners is constantly rejected or feels a condescending attitude towards himself (and the second does not notice this or refuses to discuss it), then the matter is bad. “Marriages that have reached this point can be called toxic: you are no longer a couple, it is only about attack and defense,” the expert believes.

4. You are no longer a team.

It may sound strange, but it's true: healthy marriage both partners work as a team in everything from raising children and domestic troubles to supporting each other in matters of career and personal ambitions.

“If each of you has begun to move in your own separate orbit, or if you no longer work together on routine issues, then this is a sign of a serious problem,” Savage warns.

5. The wrong half continues to be friends with a former lover / mistress.

Infidelity is a huge obstacle that is very difficult to overcome. To save a marriage, just ending the relationship on the side is not enough, notes Kay. It is impossible to fully survive the betrayal if the wrong half remains friends with a former lover or mistress. It doesn't matter what he or she says about the innocence of their current relationship. “Nothing good will come of this,” the specialist assures.

6. There are no compromises in matters of desires and needs.

An essential part of marriage is to meet your partner's needs without compromising your own interests. This is a lifelong dance - give and take - that requires constant communication. But if your partner consistently refuses to even listen to your wants and needs (time, attention, sexual/physical contact, help with the kids or household chores), or doesn't want to voice their own, that's a red flag, Kay says.

7. One of the spouses is systematically cheating.

“Some men - and according to stereotypes, these are men - are simply not imprisoned for marriage. They are incapable of being monogamous, even if they showed with their whole appearance that they want to get married, ”Bowman explains. Even worse, they manage to accuse you of their depravity and unreliability, usually reproaching you for excessive suspicion and jealousy.

Betrayal, from which a marriage can recover, is followed by apologies and promises not to do it again. But this is not the case with serial cheaters: it is a problem that cannot be fixed and which, most likely, indicates the end of the marriage.

8. You can't agree on whether or not to have children.

In marriage, there are many reasons to compromise, such as who will be in charge of finances, where to go on vacation, or exactly how to solve minor family problems. But if one of you knows exactly what wants a baby, and the second categorically refuses, then such a relationship is in danger.

If one of you is leaning towards having or not have children, there is still work to be done on this. But when it comes to a principled position, when for one of the partners a child is an unconditional goal, then such a marriage is likely to fall apart.

9. You no longer communicate with each other.

No problem in marriage can be solved without an open, frank conversation. If all you ever talk about is mundane things like who to buy milk today, then divorce could very well be just around the corner, Savage warns. “The lack of personal, intimate communication in a marriage is a very bad sign, especially if you are talking to other people,” she notes.

10. Decreased frequency and quality of intimacy.

"It's about the couple not having enough interest in sex and not talking about it or doing anything about it," explains Dawn Cardi, a Manhattan lawyer. - Or they have a different opinion on this matter. The bottom line is that sex doesn't work anymore, and hasn't for a while."

11. Swearing and arguments happen more often than before.

According to Lauri Puhn, New York-based family law attorney and author of Instant Persuasion, the controversy and verbose accusations will never stop. “It happens over and over again for the same reasons,” she says. - You argue about the same thing, and the further, the more often. And there is no solution to the problem - this is a road to nowhere.

The expert notes that the cause of most problems in relationships is insufficient communication: “It all comes down to communication skills and the ability to resolve conflict situations. My research shows that 69% of divorced couples complained about unresolved conflicts that caused feelings of hopelessness.”

12. Excessive planning or spending a lot of time on the computer and smartphone.

Little time spent alone with each other, when it is initiated by one or both halves, is a strong indicator that a marriage is in danger. "There's a certain amount of work to be done, but if it gets more and more, especially when it comes to weekends, it's called moving away from each other," Cardi explains.

According to her, if one of the partners seeks to spend as little time as possible with the other half, then the relationship can be considered problematic. "If you don't spend time together, then you don't have any intimacy," says Cardi. "You can't keep a marriage going by emailing each other."

13. Changes in relationship with money.

From a legal perspective, Cardi says, the changes around finance can tell a lot. “People come to me and say: my husband has changed his bank account, he is transferring money. It's a sign that he's getting ready to get out of the marriage and on the path to divorce," she shares.

14. Dreams of being alone or finding someone else.

As Poon notes, this is the most serious sign, since such thoughts often occur immediately before a breakup. “You start dreaming because everything else doesn't give you hope anymore,” she explains. - You think about what your life would be like if you weren't together. Maybe you don’t really want a divorce, you even would like to stay together, but at the same time you are so disillusioned about a joint future that it just becomes interesting - how it could be. Such thoughts often open the way to treason.

The list goes on, but it may vary from couple to couple. However, the question remains the same: how to prevent the train from derailing? “Talk about it and acknowledge that there are communication problems. This will help, if necessary, to attract a third party - a professional - advises Poon. - But, in truth, you must fix the marriage even when you enter into it. It is normal that people who decide to be together notice more and more differences over time. And in order not to lose touch, you need dedication and attention to detail. That is the most important part of the plan to save a marriage - to notice the problem in time and turn to face it.

Sometimes the signs that your marriage is failing are unexpected and unusual. Always consider seeking professional help to save the relationship.

Your communication doesn't have to be meaningful every day. But it's worth starting to worry if you never talk to your loved one about anything more than the weather, or which of you should be shopping today. It's a bad sign if your conversations seem superficial. If you don't talk about important things day in and day out, it creates distance and you start drifting apart. This situation can make you feel less affection and tenderness towards your partner. The same thing happens if one of you only speaks and the other listens. Remember that in good communication, it is important not only to express your opinion. You must also be able to listen and hear your spouse.

Most likely, you discussed this topic before you started living together, but feelings may change. Maybe you feel like having kids will get in the way of your career, or maybe your spouse wants to give up trying after you're having trouble conceiving. Put yourself in the place of the other person. Find out why he or she does not want to have children and what motivates such a decision. However, persuasion is not the solution to the problem. It will not be fair if you try to persuade your soulmate to have or not to have children. Parenting is a rather complicated matter in which both parents must take part. Persuading your spouse when he or she doesn't want to will only create resentment. In this situation, you have two options: either wait until your partner wants the same thing as you, or find a person who will share your point of view on this issue.

Of course, you don't have to be together every minute. But you should have the feeling that you want to spend all your free time together, and you should love being with your partner more than anyone else (at least in most cases). It's great if you like to watch TV alone, surf the Internet, read books, work late, or hang out with friends without your spouse. But be aware, if you use these activities as a distraction, when you feel relieved that you don't have to be together, it means that there are serious problems in your marriage. For a lasting successful marriage, finding the time to be together as a couple and do things that keep you entertained is crucial.

Both spouses must put in the same amount of effort to make their marriage work. One person cannot do it. If you don't have the motivation to work on your marriage, to address the issues that make the difference in a relationship, then you need to find out why. Often, a lack of motivation is an indication that something has been lost. This doesn't mean you can get your feelings back, but it does take time to figure out why you're feeling frustrated or disinterested.

It all starts with innocent complaints: “Why didn’t you wash the dishes?”, which gradually turn into more general criticism: “You never help around the house!”. Then you start getting personal: "You're selfish and lazy." This does not happen overnight, but gradually destroys the foundations of your marriage. If you constantly criticize each other, then you cannot be a good couple. If you do not respect the person with whom you live, it will be very difficult to love him. Think about what was said or done, why you lost respect for each other. You, as well as your partner, should try to earn it back by changing the questionable behavior and communication for the better. But if that's not possible, or if there's too much to do, your marriage won't last.

Some couples may be able to repair their relationship and move on by making their marriage more cohesive after one of the partners has cheated. If this happened only once, the couple is able to survive. Nevertheless, constant cheating suggests that such a problem will be very difficult to fix. The only way to forget betrayal - emotional or physical - is to earn trust again and never cheat again. But if your partner cheats on you regularly, he will never be able to gain your trust. Accept that some people just can't be monogamous and that's why they're not meant to be married. The partner who is being deceived must remember that it is not his fault. It is not you, but your partner who has refused to fully participate in your marriage.

Of course, you don't have to be in bed with each other like newlyweds. The chemistry that exists initially between spouses disappears for many reasons. It is not uncommon in periods of marriage when you feel a lack of desire on the part of your spouse. When someone and you are sick, or if you have small children, it is quite natural that intimate life is reduced. And then there's the age factor, when both of you can't be as physically fit as you used to be. But if you no longer live an intimate life and there are no obvious reasons for this, ask yourself why. Even more problems arise when one of the partners wants sex, but the other does not. Lack of physical affection means you are in a platonic relationship. Couples stop being lovers and remain friends or colleagues. But that is not a reason for most people to get married.

Many people argue about the same things throughout the years of their marriage. However, it is not necessary that the reason for the disagreement be really serious. But such a situation can lead to divorce if you allow the argument to seriously escalate, start a dirty fight, close in on yourself, or stop talking to each other. You may have to compromise and make some concessions to end the constant fighting and differences. But it is worth remembering that couples often reminisce about old dramas because they lost interest in each other, and their relationship was no longer healthy.

Each a person creates a family with the hope that he will live with his spouse in love and harmony until the end of his days, raising his children together and sharing the joy of his grandchildren. But over the years of living together, for most married couples, love gradually fades away and the fact that their marriage has come to an end becomes clear. There are 8 signs that indicate that it is time for spouses to leave, rather than trying to maintain relationships that bring only pain and deprive both spouses of a chance for happiness. So, by what signs can you understand that your marriage has come to an end:

1. Lack of desire to please and surprise. If the spouse does not care how her wife looks, and she has no desire to please her husband with delicious dishes and make him happy, then this is the beginning of the end. Absolute indifference to what the spouse is doing is a characteristic sign of a lack of love. If you are late at work or go on a business trip for a long time, and your wife or husband does not call you or write SMS, then it's time to think about whether it is worth living with a person who does not need you. But jealousy and resentment should not be confused with the cooling of feelings. Think about whether you still want to please your spouse with an expensive gift? If your answer is yes, then you just need to talk heart to heart with your spouse.

2. No desire to communicate with spouse. Often a husband and wife come home, have a silent supper, and then go to different rooms, where each of them goes about his own business. Joint conversation and communication tires them. If you are just waiting for your spouse to leave home, and you can enjoy loneliness, and every conversation you have with him turns into a quarrel, then you can no longer expect a happy end to such a relationship. In this case, it is better to leave than to try to maintain a relationship, cause each other suffering and drag a "suitcase without a handle."

3. sleep separately. If a husband and wife sleep in different rooms, and they have sex just for show, then this is a sure sign of fading. Aloofness and reluctance to have sex with a partner suggests that the person is no longer close. A joint bed, touching during sleep and communication in the dark play an important role in family relationships, and those spouses who have caught a partner in treason or are very jealous of him sleep separately.

You should not test each other's patience, the lack of intimate relationships sooner or later leads to treason. If during sex expressions come to your mind: "nightmare", "dirt", "torment" and "why am I putting up with this?" Then just let go of your partner and let him find his happiness. And yourself, start looking for new relationships that will bring you peace of mind and sexual satisfaction.

4. Do not want to spend leisure time together. Ask yourself if you would like your spouse to be present at the birthday of a friend or girlfriend where you were invited. If you think that he will only spoil your mood on a festive evening and that it is better for you to relax in the company of friends or girlfriends without him, then you are most likely to part with your spouse. In this case, it is worth saving the marriage only for the sake of the children, but even here it is necessary to think about whether the child will benefit from living together in the same house of essentially strangers. If you are not in a hurry to go home after work and try to spend all your free time in the company of friends, then this is also a sign of an exhausted relationship.

5. You think you love two at once. All people are polygamous to some extent, everyone in their youth wants to please not only their partner, but also hear compliments and accept courtship from others. The desire to "try an apple from someone else's garden" is present in everyone up to 45-50 years old, although not everyone admits this and decides to cheat. But if it seems to you that you love two people at once, then you will have to part with your spouse. Because if he was really dear to you, then the second would simply not exist.

6. Greed towards wife. The first sign of the cooling of the husband's feelings is his unwillingness to spend on the needs of his wife. If he stopped buying you gifts and paying for you, then he no longer cares what you think of him. There is no need to build illusions that the husband began to earn less or became more economical. He simply decided for himself that you have become a stranger to him, and he should provide only for his relatives and friends.

7. You constantly compare your spouse to others. My friend is happily married, but her husband went bald early. I somehow tactlessly asked her if her attitude towards her husband had changed after he lost his hair, and with it his former beauty. A friend with a smile replied that she did not even notice that her husband was bald, he remained for her the most beloved and dear person, as he was before. If you began to believe that your spouse has changed a lot and is now unworthy of admiration, then do not torment him further and let him go. No need to constantly humiliate him and compare him with others, say that this other one is more educated, stronger, richer and cooler. A neighbor's is always better, but one's own is more expensive. If yours does not seem more beautiful, then this is a sign that your marriage has come to an end.

8. You are constantly humiliated. If a spouse constantly humiliates you, insults you with obscene words, or even raises his hand, then he no longer values your attitude towards him. No matter how much we are told that we need to part with those to whom we no longer feel any feelings, unfortunately, many of us lack the determination to be the first to take this responsible step. An obstacle to this may be common children, the need to divide property, financial difficulties and habit.

We tolerate humiliation and try not to see that we have long ceased to be respected. Moreover, we unsuccessfully try to refresh feelings that have long been gone, we are preceded by lovers in order to save the family and not deprive children of their father or mother. Is it worth it? Maybe it’s better to immediately break off relations and leave, than in old age to regret that life has passed, but there was no happiness, and no?