According to Sigmund Freud, we are afraid of the opposite sex, and this is due to a subconscious craving for incest. A girl learns about what a "partner" is when she sees the image of her father, and a boy will always strive to be worthy of his mother's love. From a complex psychological theory, both dramatic and everyday fears are born: betrayal, separation, in one's body or abilities, all this could easily be explained according to Freud, but what about irrational fears? I talked to the guys, including the authors of BroDude, and found out what scares them in relationships with girls.
Leonid, 24 years old
For me, this is a difficult question, I know the answer only approximately. I’m afraid that I’ll finally go crazy - I’ll get into the loop or do something spontaneous with a knife. I have nervous breakdowns and sudden mood swings.
I'm scared that the consequences of my behavior will have to be dealt with not by me, but by my girlfriend, yes.
And everything else, probably, is not so scary and significant. There is also a small fear: I do not like to get acquainted with the family of my girlfriend, her brothers and sisters. I don't like all these family gatherings. It's just sickening from them, even when people are good. And, of course, I can't stand talking about children. I don’t understand why so many women like to talk about children so much. If only instincts explain all this.
Eugene, 26 years old
I am afraid that I will start to get annoyed by various little things in her behavior or communication. With prolonged communication with a person, various similar moments begin to infuriate me.
I'm afraid of change. That is, for me this is the highest degree of betrayal, and I will divide by zero everything that happened before - memories, romance, events - everything good that is connected with this person.
So technically I'm afraid of the consequences and my own reaction.
I'm afraid to cross the border. If a person is close enough to me and I feel as free as possible with him, then I can not calculate a joke or action, thereby offending. That is, the desire to arrange some kind of madness for the sake of laughter can outweigh reason and safety.
Stepan, 24 years old
The girl and I love, and my main fear is that I will harm her in the process. Hit her hard, strangle her, or she'll get hurt on a hook on the wall. During passion, we do not control ourselves, so there is always a fear that I will go too far.
I used to worry about the fact that she would leave me, go to another, and I would not be able to keep her. I was worried that I might offend her, say something wrong. I'm still afraid that I'll disappoint her, that I won't live up to her expectations.
We have a very strong relationship and I'm not shy about talking about my fears. Fortunately, my girlfriend dispels all my worries, which makes me more confident.
Anton, 23 years old
I used to be afraid that my girlfriend was cheating on me and everyone around knew about it, except for me. The most irrational lies not in betrayal, but precisely in the fact that I am the biggest fool in this situation: the girl cheated on me and my friends betrayed me.
It’s even scarier that they laugh at me because of this, they call me a rag and henpecked behind my back.
I'd rather know the truth, however dirty it may be. You can say that I'm also scared of the fact that they will lie to me. Always.
Ruslan, 24 years old
Imagine the situation: we are on a date, everything is going great, things are moving towards sex.
We hug, kiss, and in a fit of passion she rips off my T-shirt, begins to greedily lick my chest and stomach, and now her tongue is already in my navel, and .... oh, horror! There she finds a spool that was formed from dust and thread from my T-shirt, and I was so engrossed in this day that I completely forgot to check and take it out. I'm terribly afraid of this situation.
Kirill, 24 years old
I am afraid of everything that can destroy our relationship, but in order not to go crazy, I try not to think about it. Just when I understand that my actions can jeopardize our relationship, I gather in a bunch and try to do everything so that the love boat does not sink to hell. It does not always work. If it worked, then I would not be afraid at all.
I'm afraid she'll get fat, break out in pimples, stop taking care of herself, get sick and die. Because the funeral is such a fuss, you need to run everywhere, negotiate, organize, it’s better that I go first to the forefathers.
Just kidding, the point, of course, is love, how would I be without it. Although, in my deep conviction, any normal person does not want his soulmate to become a burden for him. Here she will lose her job, or, God forbid, something will happen to her, and she will be bedridden. Life, consider, is broken for you two. Even if she, God forbid, is unhappy, everyone will be sick.
Therefore, it is so important that in a relationship each of the partners perceive their couple as one whole, and not separately and separately themselves. I want both of them to enjoy their lives. Although I'm not so much afraid to realize this, how much ashamed. And, of course, I'm afraid that she will stop loving me and leave me. This terribly beats on pride, but to a greater extent, anxiety causes the heart and morale. And that she will see me masturbate, take a picture and send it to my relatives.
Pavel, 28 years old
I would be uncomfortable if my girlfriend told me that our sex is a complete disaster. I always try to please her and watch her reaction in bed. Sometimes I even find it hard to relax because of it. I don't know if she really likes everything. In my opinion, sex is such a thing in which it is very difficult to remain completely sincere. Even if the girl is a complete log, I would never tell her about it, I would be afraid to offend her. It's the same with guys: we all want to be the best lovers and worry if girls think we are.
I don’t want to hear that I’m a zero in bed, but I don’t want to lie where I can improve.
Sergey, 25 years old
I love my girlfriend very much and am happy that we have a strong and adequate relationship: without cheating, lies and routine. We have been together for three years, and I still have one single fear: I think her parents hate me. I try to communicate with them respectfully and show with all my appearance that I am ready for serious steps in relation to their daughter. But every time we get together, I feel uneasy. They look at me with suspicion, do not trust me, sometimes they even make fun of me.
It seems to me that my girlfriend's parents secretly dissuade her from living with me.
I don't know what to do about it, maybe stop talking to her family like a lot of guys do?
Alexander, 26 years old
I had an experience with a girl who turned out to be. 
And now I have an irrational fear that I will have to deal with such a person again. You meet a girl, she seems sweet and charming, and then it turns out that she is not friends with the head: she has strange habits, she can lose her temper and destroy half the apartment, or even suffer from some kind of mental illness, she can open her veins, until you're home, or ruin your things out of jealousy or because she didn't like something. In general, when I see that a girl is behaving aggressively, I shudder.
Egor, 30 years old
My irrational fear is to fall in love with a girl who is more successful than me.
I worry that I will not be worthy of her, that we will swear because of money, unfulfilled ambitions, especially mine.
I kept the girls at a distance for a long time because I thought that I still need to grow and develop. Now I understand that I wasted a lot of time in vain, but I could have found my happiness and developed with her.
Renat, 29 years old
I don’t know if this can be called fear, but I don’t like that stage of a relationship where passion turns into a habit and obligation. I am not afraid of responsibility, but I do not want to feel that we are both mired in a quagmire. I want to enjoy life, build a career, spend time with the girl I love, but have fun. I'm afraid that we will turn into full and life-weary morons who are too lazy to have sex on the weekends.
Artem, 22 years old
I'm afraid my girlfriend thinks I'm less funny than my friends. She always laughs so loudly when my friend says something that makes me uncomfortable. A sense of humor is my forte, and if my woman does not laugh at my punches, then I am ready to commit suicide from my own insignificance.
There is also an irrational feeling that she can leave me for another precisely for this reason - he just played a joke on me.
I understand that this is stupid, because she doesn’t love me for jokes, and it’s not her fault that I don’t always manage to make her laugh the way others can. But still, I often think about it.
Girls, cute, always, ALWAYS laugh at your boyfriends jokes!
Question to the psychologist:
Guy, 20 years old
I am already 20 years old, for all the time I have not had a relationship, I'm just afraid of girls or something, I'm afraid of their refusal. I got kicked off many times. As soon as I see some beautiful girl, I get lost and that's it. I don’t work yet and I’m afraid that I won’t be able to give her anything, even when I was in the 7th grade I was beaten by a girl, after that it got even worse ...
How can I deal with this? How to overcome all this or just leave?
As soon as some girl likes it, she immediately sends me off and that's it, it's already been like 5 out of 5 times.
And I give all my time to sports in vain so as not to be fixated on the problem. And now I’m not at all sure whether I need this relationship, I’m just afraid that’s all.
Is it normal everything I feel and what I'm afraid of?
Previously, it seemed to me that I would have time, but now I’m already afraid that I’ll be left alone, people at my age are already having children, and I’m afraid to talk to a girl, and at school as well, there I was a “sucker” and this also influenced.
Do you think this is all or psychological fear? How to overcome it?
The psychologist Alferova Margarita Olegovna answers the question.
Dear Garik, good afternoon!
I want to reassure you that such thoughts happen to most boys and men, just not everyone admits it. With you, it begins to turn into a hypertrophied form because of your obsession with it. But this is also understandable.
The story with the girl in the 7th grade who beat you is better to forget, how to erase from your own history. You can imagine a picture. as if in a picture gallery and mentally imagine how this picture moves further and further away from you, fades and blooms completely. of course, if there was more complete information about that story, then it would be possible to decompose it. But without full information, I don't want to guess.
Garik, maybe of course this is your turn of speech, but why do you write that you give your time to sports in vain? What do you do in your free time if you are not working? study?
Garik, your task is to become an interesting person. above all interesting for yourself! How do you see your future? What are your goals, plans? This is what you need to think about first of all, what to direct your thoughts, your energy to! Believe that if you become interesting, solid and, as a result, a strong spirit (and thanks to sports and a strong body), then the girls themselves will begin to be interested in you!
To move the situation with your fear, you need to stop thinking about mistakes. What we fear is what we get. And this is not mysticism, this is the work of our subconscious. Start presenting yourself as a strong man! Why do you think that girls only need money and apart from that you cannot give them anything? If you are an interesting person, then you can give them your friendship, your mind, your protection, your kindness, your attention, and this is worth a lot!
To begin with, learn to look at girls not as an object of desire, but as individuals with whom you can be friends, talk. Find a girl with whom you will have common interests, such as sports (you simply did not write about other interests). The girl does not have to be beautiful and you like it madly. Find common topics for conversation with her, start to be interested in her (her interests, her life, what she loves, what she doesn't ...). Try to see her as a person and become comrades (friends, if possible). To begin with, you need, as I already wrote, to learn to see the personality in a girl, and not just a beautiful appearance. As soon as you get the experience of friendship, communication with girls / girl, then it will become easier for you.
Garik, everyone has his own path along which he runs and his own deadlines. As athletes - everyone can go to their peak in different ways and everyone at different ages can reach heights. So it is with you - do not look how old you are already, everyone has everything in due time. Maybe a big one is waiting for you. pure and beautiful love, maybe you just need to learn how to overcome your fears. maybe it is this fear that will help you achieve a lot in life, become a very interesting person!!! All in your hands! Develop, strive!!! You have to fight your fears! You will definitely cope and everything will be fine for you, everything is ahead of you!
Question to the psychologist:
Hello. I am a 23 year old guy. Once upon a time, a friend of mine introduced me to a girl my age. We talked in fits and starts and not often, but we formed a certain picture about each other and had common affairs, she hooked me as a person who is not eccentric and takes life and things that happen to him seriously. I think it's worth explaining, because part of the problem is probably this, I had not dated anyone at all in my entire life before. Somehow it didn’t grow together, the circle of contacts is rather narrow, and when I got to know each other on purpose, nothing came of this worthwhile. In general, now we have begun to communicate quite closely, we walk, we correspond, well, how everything is with people. But she immediately set the condition that she did not want to be in a relationship with anyone. As I later found out a little later from her words, she cannot stay close to people for a long time, this begins to annoy her. She tries to avoid physical contact, sometimes self-flagellates herself with light derogatory phrases. She sometimes says that something is wrong with me so that I chose her and I should look for a better girl for myself.
In general, the picture is something like this. It is possible that my hormones are still really raging in me and I do not quite adequately understand my feelings for her. I like her as a woman, as a person, I think that I didn’t get to know her enough, but I think that the problem is that she is evasive in these matters, so I appreciate her for the qualities listed above, in general, believing that everything can get along well with this person in everyday life in terms of exactly what interactions, how her mental state will affect, I don’t know.
One way or another, I cherish this person as a friend and want to help her, despite even some of my inadequacy. Please help advice.
The psychologist Bogutskaya Olesya Anatolyevna answers the question.
Hello Leonid!
I don't know how her mental state will affect either. I don't know anything about him. I didn't see her, I didn't talk to her, I didn't work. No conclusions can be drawn from your words. It's like going to the doctor and telling him for a long time what your friend has, say, ulcers on his body. And ask him to diagnose. In absentia. What will the doctor say to you? That's right - let your friend come to me himself, I will examine him, he will hand over all the tests himself, then it will be clear what is wrong with him. So is the psychologist. From three and a half of your proposals, it is impossible to learn and understand everything about a person. Therefore, I will not give any advice, because I cannot. And psychologists do not give advice in principle.
Farther. You want to help her. Were you asked for this help? Did she tell you “something seems to be wrong with me, help me figure it out / get rid of / change!”? That's right. Looks like no. Then your “desire to help her” is your desire for something else. Become someone of value to her. It seems like getting rid of some serious illness so that she can see how good you are, fall in love with gratitude and you would live happily ever after. In other words, on your part, this may be some kind of manipulation in order to win her attention. This is just a hypothesis. You yourself honestly answer - so it or not. And do you need it.
And the last. If a girl says everything that you brought here, she does not want to be with you. Perhaps she spares you and does not say this directly and unambiguously. And you grab at this straw and do not notice the huge blockage on your way and stubbornly rush ahead - to it, as to your goal. I repeat - do you need it? .. To achieve her favor and then ask yourself all your life “does she definitely love me or is she with me out of pity / thanks to my manipulation / because she cannot leave, as she once could not say directly that Am I not interested in her? Think Leonidas.
Treasure her? Do you want to communicate with her? Good luck, good health! Just do not make her an object of love persecution, an inaccessible idol and harbor illusions for many years. Communicate with her, help if she asks for help (you never need to save anyone in this life, unless they ask for it themselves). And in a girl, find yourself one that will gladly accept your attention and warm feelings, and not dynamize.
How to get rid of the fear of a serious relationship.
There are many obstacles in the way of a happy relationship. Most of them are fears. In this article, you will learn how to overcome them.
How to get rid of phobias and fears on your own: advice from a psychologist
- First determine what kind of phobia you have. Then read what thoughts trigger it. Tune in to the desired way of thinking, get rid of obsessive ones.
- Then each phobia needs an individual approach. However, when choosing your method of getting rid of a phobia, be sure to check the tips from the article.
Fear of men - androphobia: symptoms, causes
- Unpleasant experiences from the past. They are associated with failed relationships.
- Family. If the relationship between the parents was bad and the mother constantly condemned the father with her daughter.
- The phobia appears due to watching movies where men show cruelty and malice in relationships.
- Confidence in your unattractiveness.
As expressed:
- A woman constantly feels falseness in the courtship of men. It seems to her that behind all their attempts to start communication, there is a desire to take possession of her and leave her.
- She feels anxiety in places where there are a lot of men.
- The word man for her is associated with selfishness and arrogance.
- A woman subject to this phobia is too critical of men. He finds many faults in them.
- She often considers herself a feminist. Constantly seeks out facts of violation of women's rights by men.
Ways to solve the problem:
- Admit your fear. And do not try to hide it behind the fact that men are "bad."
- After the first paragraph, consult a psychologist. With the help of hypnosis or conversations, he will help you look at men as ordinary people.
- You can write letters in which you express all your feelings because of them. Of course, such letters should not be sent to the address.
- Encourage and support yourself. Every day, consciously do not allow yourself to criticize your actions.
- Practice communicating with men.
Fear of falling in love - philophobia: symptoms, causes
- Search for the ideal partner who has only positive qualities.
- The loss of a loved one and the idealization of his personality. This makes new relationships impossible.
- Unsuccessful relationships with the opposite sex. The previous partner was rude or cruel.
- Adolescence trauma. Unrequited love, transferred from 12 to 18 years. During this period, failures are usually perceived more painfully than by adults.
- Family problems. If a child often saw scandals, humiliation in his family, he becomes unpleasant to the opposite sex.
What reinforces philophobia?
- Low self-esteem
- Fear of losing personal freedom
- Fear of taking responsibility for your decisions
As expressed:
- The stronger the philophobia, the more difficult it is for a person to share his feelings and emotions.
- A person either tries to be alone, or is constantly in a noisy company, in a crowded place.
A person is often unaware of this phobia. He creates his own comfortable little world, into which he does not let outsiders. This world consists of a convenient philophobe way of life.
- Philophobe can be sloppy, cares little about his appearance. Or go to the other extreme: pay a lot of attention to your appearance.
Ways to solve the problem:
- Realize what hidden benefits philophobia gives you. To do this, you can use the technique from the video at the end of this subtopic about philophobia. Such benefits can be: protection from the loss of a loved one, protection of personal space and freedom, as well as protection from disappointment.
- Become more aware of your behavior. Notice those moments when you are driven by philophobia. Awareness of the problem is the first step towards solving it.
- Boost your self-esteem. To do this, praise yourself even for small successes. At the end or beginning of each day, note five of your positive qualities.
- Develop positive thinking. To do this, every day, remember five happy events of the past day and five of your achievements. And also find five positive qualities in people that you currently do not like. Read books by Luza Hay or A. Sviyash.
- Try to communicate with new people more often, travel.
- Do the usual things in an unusual environment. For example, take your morning walks in a new, unknown area.
VIDEO: NLP: how easy it is to change in 15 minutes? (reframing)
Fear of women, girls - gynecophobia (gynephobia, feminophobia gynophobia): symptoms, causes
- A cruel, overbearing, or short-tempered mother. Or she quickly changed moods.
- The father is weak and weak-willed.
- Bad personal experience. Personal unsuccessful relationships or just an unpleasant situation associated with a woman. Sometimes ladies act tense and aggressive with men because of past disappointments or bad stereotypes. Therefore, a man immediately faces the unpleasant side of girls.
As expressed:
- Discomfort when trying to start a conversation with a girl. It could be anxiety or a strong surge of fear.
- Fear of being the first to start an acquaintance, even if the girl is pretty.
- A gynecophobic tries to communicate with women as little as possible. Next to them, he feels weak and unprotected.
- When communicating with women, feminophobes can be rude and impudent. They try to emphasize their superiority.
- Gynecophobes are afraid to have intimate contact.
Ways to solve the problem:
- You can consult a psychologist. But only if your phobia is not amenable to your own treatment.
- Try to get to know the girls better. The unknown is scary. And if there is no uncertainty, it will be easier to start communication each time.
- Realize that girls are people just like you. They have their complexes and fears.
- Practice more often in communicating with girls.
- Don't be afraid of rejection. Someone's "no" is not at all a confirmation of your unattractiveness. This is just a sign that somewhere there is an even more interesting and beautiful girl who will say yes to you.
- Try to get rid of negative experiences from the past associated with girls. Imagine that a girl who once offended you tells you her story. Remember, any aggression is evidence of a person’s complexes and fears. Mentally see how the girl says that she is sorry that she herself felt bad, that's why she did it.
Fear of kissing - philemaphobia: symptoms, causes
- Fear of appearing awkward and inexperienced
- Fear of getting uncomfortable
- Fear of losing control of oneself and the situation
- Unpleasant sensations when someone is in your personal space
- Once upon a time, a guy / girl with whom a person kissed laughed at his manner of kissing
- Unpleasant memories of someone kissing you against your will
- Sometimes philemaphobia is closely related to the fear of being infected with other people's microbes (bacteriophobia)
- Fear of rejection or rejection
fear of kissing - philemaphobia As expressed:
- Philemophobes are afraid of relationships, try to avoid contact with the opposite sex
- At the thought of kissing, these people feel dizzy, nauseous. They tremble and experience a lot of stress
- Looking at a simple scene in a movie with a kiss or at a kissing couple, the philemophobe feels fear and disgust
Ways to solve the problem:
- Realize that your partner loves you. And any kiss will be pleasant for him, simply because he will kiss you.
- Consult with a psychologist.
- If you have a fear of the first kiss, then after kissing once you will no longer experience it.
- Realize that kiss rejection is not a big deal. Make frequent attempts to start new relationships. Then rejection will stop scaring you.
- If you are a man, remember that a woman may refuse a kiss because of coquetry or shyness.
- Read about women's and men's hidden sexual cues to know whether or not to try to kiss.
- Do not try to learn how to kiss from manuals and instructions. Each person is unique and individual. Everyone has their own preferences in kissing. So just be observant during the process. Try to feel whether your partner likes what you are doing or not.
- If you are afraid of bad breath, then remember a few simple rules. The smell from dental diseases like caries or tartar cannot be masked, only cured. To make your mouth smell good before kissing, chew gum for 10 minutes. You can read more about treating bad breath at.
Fear of sex and sexual relations - genophobia: symptoms, causes
IMPORTANT: Fear of showing one's inexperience in a young woman/young man should not be confused with erotophobia. It can be overcome by gaining experience over time.
- Severe pain with loss of virginity
- Violence experienced in the past
- Negative attitudes from childhood. The mother or grandmother who said sex was dangerous and dirty
- Complexes due to the fact that a person is convinced that he is ugly
- Your partner's sarcastic comments about your sexual relationship
fear of sex - genophobia As expressed:
- A person tries to avoid intimacy, refuses, coming up with excuses.
- In severe cases, he tries not to have a relationship at all.
Ways to solve the problem:
- If you are body shy, understand the simple truth. Your partner loves you and your body is perfect for him.
- Decide more to practice. In time, the fear will go away.
Fear of sex - erotophobia: symptoms, causes
- Violence
- Suggestion by adults that sex is dirty or shameful
- Bad personal experience
Ways to solve the problem:
- Consult a psychologist or go through psychological training.
- Think about the benefits of successful sex: incredible sensations, improved relationships with a partner or partner, healing and positive emotions.
- Talk to your partner, discuss the problem. Ask him to be gentle with you.
Fear of sex - erotophobia Fear of first intimacy - intimophobia: symptoms, causes
- Not knowing how to behave
- (In the case of girls) Fear that after sex, the guy will lose interest
How it manifests itself:
- A person tries to avoid contact with the opposite sex.
- Avoids relationships and is afraid of falling in love. knows the relationship will have to go through sex.
Ways to solve the problem:
- Get rid of the attitude that not knowing about sex and being inexperienced is shameful. This is your first time. Not knowing much about something you've never done is not bad.
- Be sure to protect yourself, make your sex safe. Then you won't have to regret the first time.
- Relax and get ready to enjoy. Think of the pleasant sex that the heroes of films, books or your acquaintances had. You can do it too!
- (For women and girls) Mentally thank your fear for trying to protect you. And let him go. Realize that your partner will help you and become your protection. The incentive to get rid of fear will also be the fact that it itself can cause pain. The emotional and muscular tightness that fear calls for will cause pain.
Fear of first intimacy - intimophobia VIDEO: Training: how to get rid of the fear of the first sex?
Fear of getting a sexually transmitted disease - venereal phobia: symptoms, causes
- Personal experience of contact with a person infected with venereal diseases
- Understanding that sex can be unsafe
- False information taken from unreliable sources
- Misconceptions learned from friends
How it manifests itself:
- Any discomfort in the intimate area causes fear and panic in the vinerophobe. Even harmless inflammation seems to him the beginning of a venereal disease.
- A person who once suffered a venereal disease becomes distrustful. It always seems to him that the recovery is not yet complete.
Fear of getting venereal disease - venereal disease - Vinerophobe is afraid of any sexual contacts and avoids them.
- In serious cases, the thought of sex causes panic. It is manifested by rapid breathing, increased heart rate, severe weakness. The same is repeated when the possibility of sex arises.
Ways to solve the problem:
- First of all, sincerely wish you get well. Find the pros in sex and the benefits it finds.
- Choose a gentle, patient doctor. He should calmly and patiently answer all your questions about your state of health.
- Pass all the necessary tests and make sure that you do not have sexually transmitted diseases.
Fear of beautiful women
- Self-doubt, inferiority complex
- The stereotype that beautiful women will always try to take over a man
- Fear of rejection
- Stereotype that beautiful women are stupid and selfish
As expressed:
- At the sight of a beautiful girl, a person develops shortness of breath, dizziness, and rapid heartbeat.
The cause of fear is self-doubt - In the company of a beautiful girl, a man feels uncomfortable.
- A man communicates well with girls of ordinary appearance, but panics when communicating with beauties.
- In cases of severe phobia, the man may run away from the place where the beautiful woman is.
In the company of a beautiful girl, a man feels uncomfortable Ways to solve the problem:
- If the guy is still a teenager, then this phobia will most likely pass with time.
- Contact a psychologist. Find out what event from the past caused this phobia.
- Take a self-esteem course.
- Learn self-love affirmations and repeat them to yourself during phobias.
Treatment of phobias with hypnosis
Briefly, hypnosis treats phobias in the following way:
- The hypnotist finds in the patient's subconscious the root cause of his panic and fear.
- Through attunement and suggestion, the client accepts the painful event. Stop clinging to him. Forms a new, positive model of behavior. Returns to reality a different, better person.
The hypnotist finds in the patient's subconscious the root cause of his panic Video: Hypnosis: treatment of fears and phobias with hypnosis.
Video: Meditation & Hypnosis. Self-hypnosis. How to learn to control the subconscious?
Video: Hypnosis session. Fears, phobias, anxiety.
Video: How to overcome your fears? Oleg Gadetsky
Women rarely realize that almost every man is afraid of intimacy with a woman. Sometimes the fear of intimacy is caused by low self-esteem, sometimes it is due to the fact that he perceives a woman as a mother or relative, and in some cases he is simply afraid to make a mistake. Our psychologist will give advice for men with such problems.
Why do men fear intimacy?
The experiences other men have to go through as they grow up can make them incapable of real intimacy because they don't trust anyone. For men whose parents abused them or used them as a “handy tool”, trust can turn into a serious problem.
He often refers to marriage as if he were in a prison. The wife becomes his jailer. Single men who suffer from this fear of intimacy may feel stiff or depressed when the relationship reaches a certain stage. This prevents them from taking on any significant obligations to women.
For many men, intimacy seems threatening because it implies a certain dependence on a woman. Addiction is a sore point for modern men, as independence has long been considered a purely masculine quality.
A certain amount of addiction is normal for a healthy, good relationship, but feeling it, men often begin to think that they are losing their freedom of choice, or even worse, they are at the mercy of a partner.
In addition, dependence in relationships becomes for a man an echo of childhood, when he had to rely on his mother for almost everything. Thus, addiction may be subconsciously associated with helplessness.
So when a man realizes his intimacy with a woman and his need for her company, he can also feel weakened, feminized, reduced to an infantile state. Believing that his masculinity is in danger, he steps back and creates a distance between himself and the woman, sometimes through an extramarital affair, in order to assert his autonomy, strength and maturity.
An insecure man has a fear of intimacy because on some level he feels that if he allows a woman to get too close to him, then his flaws will become apparent and he will be rejected, vulnerable to criticism and ridicule, etc.
"Hello! I am 25 years old, but I have never had intimacy with a girl. In everyday life I communicate with girls, but in order to continue the relationship, something stops me, I don’t know what. I have a question. What should I do? Is it normal? How to overcome the fear of intimacy with a girl? Igor Gubsky.
What to do if a man has a fear of intimacy with a girl, psychologist Elena Poryvaeva answers
You are worried about your problem, afraid that it might not be normal, and want to find ways to deal with your fear of intimacy. As I see it, the experience of fear itself, and not specific ways to overcome it, is the key theme for you at this moment. I don't want to offer you abstract theories that can explain the nature of this fear.
Instead, I'm going to suggest that you go one step further and try to understand this feeling as it exists for you. By understanding your fear, you can understand how it can change.
Intimacy frightens you, but what is it about intimacy that is so frightening or dangerous to you? Perhaps fear has its own history. Perhaps it is associated with shame or it is the fear of failure, rejection.
To understand you, I need to know what the fear of intimacy is for you personally. Therefore, try to understand the reasons for your fear of intimacy. Good luck to you!
I received a reply to this letter.
"Hello, Elena! You propose to find the cause of the fear of intimacy, but I myself don’t understand, I can’t figure out what exactly stops me from continuing relationships with girls. In my opinion, there are several small reasons, not one big one.
Here are the main ones. Firstly, I'm afraid to hurt the girl mentally. My upbringing took place in the old traditions, that is, to find the one and only girl who has been with you all your life. That's how you find someone, start a close relationship, and suddenly it's not her.
Throwing, hurting is not for me, although I understand that without the practice of relationships it is difficult to find someone you want. Secondly, people are brought up on the examples of the relationship of their parents, I have parents, but, unfortunately, I didn’t have such examples and don’t have them.
And thirdly, for me, emotional feelings, love are very important, and I can’t understand if girls are capable of such feelings. I look at other guys and see that everything starts beautifully, and ends with domestic, material relationships, as they say: "The salary is on the table and you can be free."
Maybe everything I have said will help you understand me and give some advice and recommendations. Igor Gubsky.
Answer
So, you may not understand the reason for the fear of intimacy and what keeps you from continuing relationships with girls, but it seems to you that there are several reasons that can explain this.
The first reason is the fear of hurting the girl if it turns out during the relationship that she is not her. You don't want to be the one who rejects and hurts. You care about the girl's possible feelings.
You're not just looking for a relationship or intimate relationship, you're looking for a lifelong relationship with a special girl, the one and only. And you are afraid to make a mistake - one of the reasons for the fear of intimacy. Therefore, you cannot allow the relationship to develop so that during this process you can understand who this person is for you.
You must recognize your girlfriend right away, even before the relationship. But you lose sight of the fact that outside the relationship, a feeling has not yet begun that may suggest that this is the same person. Then what is your criterion? Apparently, you have an ideal, an image, the embodiment of which you hope to find.
The second reason for the fear of intimacy, if I understood you correctly, is that you are not sure at all that there are real examples of the relationship that you dream of, at least the relationship of your parents does not convince you. If there were such examples, it would make you bolder. You are disappointed, reality is not what you think it is.
The third reason is that you do not trust girls and do not understand their real feelings. You are afraid of being deceived or being deceived, hence the fear of intimacy. You have a fear that in fact the feelings of girls are superficial and tied to material values.
You mentally "try on" the experience of relationships that you observe in other young men, and decide that it does not suit you. No wonder, because this is not your experience.
The reasons for the fear of intimacy in men are as follows. For you, intimate relationships cannot exist apart from love, intimacy, deep feelings, I realized that this is very important for you, but I'm afraid that the true meaning of these concepts is revealed only in the practice of a unique relationship between a man and a woman. If you do not have this experience, what becomes a support for you?
You used to think a lot about how to feel, what to feel, what relationships should be like, what girls are like. In these reflections, you are like a theoretician who, having never tasted the fruit, judges what it should taste like. It seems that in fact you do not want to taste the fruit, afraid to find that the taste will not be what you expected.
To decide on action, you need ideal conditions, you want an unmistakable and secure relationship. Otherwise you avoid. You have found a special position for yourself - an observer. Over the years of your life, you have developed certain and stable ideas, besides the fear of intimacy, they serve as your support.
Not tested by the experience of real relationships, these ideas become a self-contained law that you cannot be critical of, even when this law begins to act against you.
Every time this someone can potentially become significant for you and in turn need you, you run away to cozy, familiar, habitable and subject only to you ideal worlds. You trust them.
But you do not trust the feelings, both your own and other people's. You are afraid of them, this is the fear of intimacy. When you run away from a relationship, you run away from yourself, from who you could be in that relationship, and possibly from the self that you don't want to know and don't want to see.
I want to hope that reading your letter I have managed to at least partially understand what is happening to you. If so, if you internally agree with my answer, you will understand why I refrain from giving specific advice. Everything is really not so simple.
Both the fear of intimacy and your own ideas and beliefs limit you. Many of them form the value base of your world and are dear to you. And you are fighting for the stability of your world, avoiding what can break this stability.
You know the result. At the same time, you have a fear of intimacy, anxiety, dissatisfaction due to the lack of intimate, close relationships. This means that you can no longer maintain the same stability without harming yourself.
Here is the point of choice for you: to strengthen the defense of the fear of intimacy or to allow something new to enter into life. How you do it, I don't know. But I know that if you want to change something in life, you need to take into account that this is impossible without a willingness to change something in yourself. Do not be afraid of change - that's all I want to wish you.
