Just yesterday you were a couple and couldn’t imagine life without each other, and today each of you greets the dawn in an empty room with one single question: “How to live on now?” You can measure the ceiling with an empty gaze, shed tears for what you have lost and run away from yourself for an infinitely long time, but time heals.
True, healing occurs only if the process of parting with a loved one went correctly and step by step. Today on the Koshechka.ru website we’ll talk about what stages of separation women and men experience.
What's in the article:
What is a breakup?
From a psychological point of view, separation is the loss of a relationship when it can no longer develop further for one reason or another. The breakup can be unexpected or deliberate, when the relationship has reached a dead end and there is simply no point in continuing it. One way or another, parting with a loved one borders on the concept of “life cut short,” and this is due to the absence of any positive thoughts in your head at this stage.
Breaking up a relationship is a systematic process that has its own stages. Only after going through them all can you return to normal life. If you freeze at any stage partingor live it wrong, you can suffer for a very long time, because until the stage is passed, it is impossibleatmove on to the next one.
Let's list on the website the 6 main stages of separation that men and women go through:
- The stage of denying what is happening.
- Stage of expression or suppression of feelings.
- The stage of bargaining or attempts to “glue” the relationship.
- The stage of apathy towards everything that happens.
- The stage of accepting the situation and humility.
- The stage of a second wind or a new page in life.
Depending on the complexity of the situation and the intensity of emotions, each of us experiences this difficult moment in life at our own speed and characteristics. The main thing is not to let yourself get fixated on any particular stage and look for all the ways out of the current situation.
Stage 1 - Denial of what is happening
The first phrase that spins in your head after the words: “I don’t love you anymore!” or “We need to break up”, “This is not happening to me.” Consciousness refuses to accept the current circumstances and includes a defensive reaction, which is expressed in denial of what is happening. It was as if the person had been doused with a bucket of ice water or hit sharply on the head with something heavy. The soul screams “Nooo!”, and stress makes a person curl up. Joint plans for life, common interests, memories and dreams - all this collapsed! The bouquet of feelings after the breakup has not yet had time to open up, and the only thing that lives in the heart at this stage is the unbearability of the very concept that this person will no longer be around. Fear, misunderstanding and severe anxiety are the main experiences of men and women after a breakup.
If everything was already heading towards a breakup, and you had time to get used to the idea that sooner or later you will have to separate, then the effect of devaluing the significance of the loss occurs. In this case, there is no strong shock and anxiety, but the feelings seem to freeze: the heart should scream from pain and grief, but it is simply indifferent.
At this stage, it is important not to withdraw entirely into yourself, but to ask for help and support from your loved ones, otherwise it can take several months to several years to get out of this stage of separation, especially for women.
Stage 2 - Expression or suppression of feelings
As soon as the awareness of what is happening comes, a wave of real feelings will come. Everything can be mixed here: pain, anger, hatred, guilt, jealousy. We are angry with our loved ones because they forced us to go through a breakup, because they did not leave a single chance to correct the situation. In a state of panic, we begin to look for the culprit: and often find it in ourselves. The woman is tormented by the question: “Why didn’t I keep him?”, and the man tries to take revenge or showers his former lover with threats.
Now it is important not to go too far: get angry, but in moderation and without using physical force. Not only your partner, but also the people around you can suffer from your emotions. Usually women in such a situation break dishes or tear paper, and defiantly throw their loved one’s things out the window. A man may throw a phone or something heavier at the wall in anger.
Stage 3 – Bargaining or attempts to “glue” the relationship
The first two stages of separation in women and men simultaneously contain this stage - constant attempts to return everything back.
After the passionate passions have subsided, there is some calm and a more or less conscious analysis of the situation occurs. As soon as the reason for the breakup is found out, the stage of bargaining and seesawing, tearful telephone conversations and SMS battles with pleas for forgiveness begins. We are looking for loopholes and any approaches to the heart of our beloved in order to somehow reduce the size of the wound in the heart. Hope at this stage is the only thing that allows us to continue to live. After all, all the brightest and most wonderful things are left behind, and so far there is only darkness and hopelessness in the situation.
Sometimes attempts to get together actually end in success, but these relationships are already new. If you don’t approach your lover, you need to let go of the situation and start a new life without him. 
Stage 4 - Apathy towards everything that happens
This stage allows us to understand what it means to be a vegetable: insensitive and floating with the flow of life. The brain and heart were tired of fighting and, finally, the realization came that the past could not be returned, but life still goes on. It is useless to look for those to blame if this still does not bring back your loved one.
An emptiness settles in the heart. Some people lie all day long, staring at the ceiling, some spend hours watching TV, and some look through photos of them together with tears. Sometimes apathy reaches a point when you no longer have the strength to do anything, and only a psychologist can help you cope with your feelings. Usually by this time the person is already so exhausted that a gradual normalization of the psyche occurs: the resentment goes away, the pain dulls, consciousness returns.
At this stage of separation, it is important to cry and remember all the good things - this is necessary to move to the next state.
Stage 5 - Acceptance of the situation and humility
The time of “shaking and confusion” has passed, life is slowly beginning to return to its previous course. The memories are still alive in our minds, but this no longer prevents us from going about our daily activities. What happened forces us to draw conclusions, and the fear of a new relationship settles in our hearts for a long time.
Gathering all their will into a fist, women begin to take care of themselves: a cosmetic bag in their hands again, a schedule of tasks for two weeks in advance, a cup of coffee for breakfast, fitness on weekends, meetings with girlfriends in a cafe. Men silently try to find balance and also no longer take up a glass of cognac or vodka, but behind the wheel of their favorite car and go to solve their daily male problems.
Stage 6 - Second wind or new page in life
Life is gradually filled with new events and acquaintances, the sun again peeks into the empty room, and food acquires taste again. We understand that life has taught us a cruel lesson, but we are grateful to it for this shake-up.
After a breakup, a person, as if receiving an electric shock, learns to live again. Strength and self-confidence are gradually returning, new plans and prospects appear ahead. The last stage is characterized by complete acceptance of what happened: if we broke up, it means we were not suitable for each other.
How do women cope with breakups?
The stages of separation in the female half of humanity are accompanied by pronounced emotionality and duration. A feature of female psychology is the duration of the depressive state in a given situation. Sometimes a woman can be in a state of apathy for several years.
Having lost confidence in themselves and their beauty, women often try to survive a breakup under the guise of a successful and independent “woman.” From a psychological point of view, this is the most successful move - this way women can get used to the presented image and more easily go through all the stages of experiencing a breakup.
How do men cope with breakups?
Oddly enough, men take the process of separation much closer to their hearts than women. Outwardly, they will not show weakness, with their heads held high and their eyes dry, they will accumulate rage and anger within themselves until it all comes out in the form of:
- Drinking alcoholic beverages to numb mental pain.
- Play sports until you are completely exhausted.
- Random changes of partners in bed.
According to psychology, men are less resistant to this kind of negativity, and this is due to a higher susceptibility to what is happening.
Getting over a breakup is difficult. It is difficult not only to realize and accept the fact that you are no longer together with your loved one, but it is also unbearably difficult to cope with the pain of a breakup.
But breaking up is a process. And like any process, separation has stages through which a person goes. There is a common expression: " time cures"But it is not time that heals, but a more or less correct passage through all the necessary stages of living through a separation. In the case of normal living through all stages, after some time the person comes to his senses again and returns to life. If fixation occurs on some stages or the stage was lived incorrectly, then you can suffer for a long time. In this article I will describe everything 6 stages of experiencing a breakup, which will help you understand how people experience separation and breakups.
First, we will list all the stages to make it easier for you to navigate through them.
Now we will describe each stage in more detail and give exercises for analyzing and understanding our behavior at each of these stages.
- 1. Denial stage
The denial stage is characterized by such feelings, thoughts and sensations as: avoidance, fear, numbness, blame, misunderstanding. Denial is the “cry of the soul” - "nooo"! This “no” reveals the oldest and most common defense of the psyche - denial. Its meaning is to cope with the difficult to bear pain of losing a loved and important person, as well as the loss of the integrity of one’s personality. This stage can be compared to the loss of any part of one's body. And denial acts on the psyche as a painkiller through persuasion "that's not it, that didn't happen".
Denial has several options:
We can deny the loss itself: sometimes this happens in the form - we are still dating, we just decided to see each other less often, and sometimes (in pathological cases) - a complete denial of the break in the relationship.
We can deny the irreversibility of the loss: for example, no, he (she) is still with me, we just decided to take a break from the relationship in order to improve it, sort out our feelings and be together again.
We may deny that the loss happened to us: the most common form of this type of separation denial is "I don't believe this happened to me"
We can devalue the significance of the loss: for example, we have been going to this for a long time (and, in contrast to the actual acceptance of the fact, this is said only as a weak consolation to ourselves)
- 2. Stage of expressing feelings
The stage of expressing feelings is characterized by irritability, anger, anxiety, shame, shame. At this stage, which comes after the first, a person, as a rule, already beginning to sense the reality of what is happening, experiences and experiences all possible negative feelings. Moreover, these negative feelings can be directed both at the departed person and at oneself.
We put this stage in fourth place, although it is present in all the first three stages. It is characterized by constant attempts to find an explanation for what happened, to understand the reasons (“thought whirlwind”), and internal conflict (to return or not).
- 5. The stage of admitting defeat is characterized by the search for new ideas and the creation of a new life plan. At this stage, a person resigns himself or accepts what happened, and the psyche adapts. An understanding comes that it is necessary to live on no matter what.
- 6. Stage of return to life: increased self-esteem, self-worth, feeling of security. At this stage, the person returns to almost full life. Self-esteem increases, new meanings to live are found. The fifth and sixth stages, as a rule, bear the imprint of compensation, that is, the wound from the separation remains, but heals. But the main thing is that you still continue to live, and new people, new impressions gradually replace the image of the departed person in your life, in your psyche.
There is probably no person in the world who has never experienced the bitterness of parting in his life. The way the world works is that people come together and diverge. And it doesn’t matter whether they were legally married or dated for a few months, separation can be painful. Our article will tell you how to overcome this pain and what stages you need to go through to do this.
Psychologists believe that in order for a person to develop the ability to establish strong attachments, he needs to fall in love for the first time before the age of 21. At the same time, it is recommended to enter into the first long-term relationship or marriage before the age of 28. Consequently, first love is not always the love of a lifetime, and for the vast majority of people it ends in separation. It's okay to break up. But it hurts a lot.
1. Denial
When we hear from a loved one that it’s all over, the first and completely natural reaction is to deny what happened. Our consciousness seems unable to accept this fact and defends itself from the harsh reality with distrust: we ask questions, as if we cannot believe that love has passed and now everyone will have to go their own way. “It can’t be”, “This is not happening to me” - such thoughts come to mind at this stage.
2. Aggression
As the realization of the reality of separation comes, the person begins to feel anger. We blame fate for being so unfair to us, our partner, because he dared to destroy our happiness, our family and friends, because they could not prevent it. A person can become angry even in response to kindness and care from loved ones who need to show patience in such a situation. It is important to allow yourself to be angry and cry. It is also useful to direct aggression in a useful direction: get rid of reminders of failed love, throw away or put away things and photos that remind you of your ex-lover. It is at this stage that it is easiest to do this, because later it may seem like blasphemy, because there comes a stage when you want to return everything.
3. Bidding
When a person realizes that it is useless to be angry, he directs all the power of his psychic energy to try to return his beloved. Sometimes these are real attempts with phone calls and offers to meet. Sometimes it's just a mental replay of the possibilities of being together again. It's like a kind of bargaining with fate. At this stage, some people are characterized by obsessive actions, for example, a person wishes that he and his lover will be together again if the coin lands on heads.
Don't let yourself linger at this stage. Remember that if ex-lovers' attempts to get back together are rarely successful, it usually does not bring the desired happiness. Having experienced the first moment of euphoria from the reunion, sooner or later people again feel the desire to separate. Do not humiliate all the love that you had in an attempt to revive it. When you leave, leave.
4. Depression
The time comes to deeply experience what happened. The person finally realizes clearly the fact of separation and finally gets rid of all illusions. At this stage, a person becomes withdrawn, isolates himself from communication with loved ones, and does not go anywhere. For some, this condition goes away quickly, while others suffer for years. A person is haunted by the feeling (always false) that relief will never come.
It is important not to let this stage drag on. Remember that depression is a normal state for several months after the loss, but if it lasts more than a year, you need to consult a psychologist and take steps to get out of this state. A change of environment, communication with friends and relatives, sports, hobbies, and any type of activity helps well. which give the suffering person at least a little pleasure. Depression can always be overcome, and most importantly remember that in this case time works for you, it heals.
5. Acceptance
After all stages have been successfully completed, the tears dry up and real relief finally comes. Now a person perceives a love story as one of many life stories. There is hope for new love.
One of the signs that you have reached the stage of acceptance is that in connection with a departed love, you more often remember the good than the bad, and everything that happened is perceived as a life experience.
Parting is often an impetus for self-development. How many women, after a divorce, finally lost weight, opened their own business, or simply started an interesting hobby? Life's shocks either break a person or make him more interesting, more perfect, wiser. There is no other option. Did you become drunk and depressed after separation from your loved one? Congratulations, you have no choice but to make positive changes in your life. The emptiness will definitely be filled with something.
“I recently broke up with my friend. Our relationship lasted six years, and although I mentally understand that everything happened for the best, I still miss him terribly. I'm crying and I just can't stop. Maybe I was wrong? Almost five weeks have passed. How much longer will I suffer before I calm down?
Anyone who has ever been separated from a loved one (perhaps still loved one) says that they have experienced similar feelings. The hardest thing about a breakup is to overcome the wave of sadness and despair that overwhelms you, without wavering in the correctness of your decision. But don't take this wave of feelings as a sign that you've made the wrong move. This is a natural stage of the recovery process.
The process of separation includes four mandatory stages, which together take an average of a year or two, although, of course, their duration may be shorter if the relationship itself did not last long. Since six years of your relationship with your partner is quite a long time, you should be patient and not expect a full recovery in the coming days or even weeks. Below are four stages of the process of overcoming the psychological consequences of a breakup.
STAGE ONE: torn piece. DURATION: from two weeks to two months.
When you love someone, you commit all your hopes, your dreams, your energy and your heart to them. When the relationship between you ends, you enter a stage that I call the “torn off piece” stage, because what else can you call what you feel. It’s as if part of your soul is torn from you with blood and flesh. Even if you sincerely want your loved one to leave your life forever, you still cannot escape this phase of recovery. And the longer you were together, the longer this phase will be.
At this stage, you will cry a lot, feel lost, hopelessly alone, lose your appetite, and your heart will constantly suffer from heaviness or severe pain. You will be tormented by painful memories, each day will seem incredibly long and completely meaningless. At the “torn off piece” stage, you will be tormented by anxiety: perhaps you will never experience happiness again; you will begin to scold yourself for what happened, and, of course, try to get your partner back.
The “torn off piece” stage is the most difficult after the break. To those who experience it, it seems that it will never end. But it will pass. The process can be speeded up if you follow my advice:
1. Don't try to suppress your suffering, cry as much as you need. The more you hold back, the longer the suffering will continue.
2. Don't sit idly by alone, keep yourself busy, spend as much time as possible with friends. Plan your every day in such a way that you have as little chance as possible of being left at home alone and immersed in your unhappiness. Do not forget, however, that you need to devote some time every day to psychological work on yourself so as not to transfer the burden of the past into a new life.
3. Don't forget to take care of your body. Under no circumstances allow yourself to give up. The better you feel physically, the stronger you will become psychologically. You should not dull your pain with drugs, alcohol and heavy doses of cigarettes. This will only increase your emotional instability and depression.
4. Avoid contact with your ex-partner. As much as you would like to see him or at least call him, don't do it! The longer and stronger the connection between you remains, the longer and harder the rehabilitation process will be.
STAGE TWO: stabilization. DURATION: two to six months.
If from time to time you feel good for several days and do not even remember the past, it means that the process has entered the second stage. The crisis is over. It won't be any more painful than it was. It's time to get used to your new life without your previous partner. You begin to reform your own personality, autonomous existence becomes the norm, you communicate with other people, put your life in order and look to the future.
During the stabilization stage, you become able to talk and think about your ex without the same pain, anger, or feelings of being “disconnected.” You are no longer a victim, tears and sadness overcome you less and less often: well, maybe once or twice a week (and before you shed them every day!). You are already in a cheerful mood, you even become able to notice and celebrate attractive personalities that under other circumstances (but not now) you would not mind meeting. You understand more clearly what led to the collapse of your relationship with your partner. You look to the future with hope.
STAGE THREE: wound healing. DURATION: six months to a year.
In the third stage, you return to normal life. You no longer feel like a transit passenger in it. You may start dating someone, or at least become interested in someone. You will be able to deal with matters such as, for example, dividing property with a former partner in the event of a formal divorce. The wounds will heal and you will feel okay again. You survived!
Now it will be easy for you to talk about your ex-partner, and even with him; you will come to realize the justice of what happened, you may even feel joy. You will look better than before, your look into the future will be filled with enthusiasm. Perhaps sometimes, no more than once a week, you will be visited by sadness or nostalgia for the past, but they will be superficial and will pass quickly.
STAGE FOUR: Healing. DURATION: from one to two years.
The healing stage completes the restorative process. During this time, you completely get rid of the remnants of past sorrows and pain, finally gaining a foothold in your new life. You no longer think of yourself as an abandoned person whose happiness is in the past. You have built a new social structure around yourself: you are surrounded by new friends, you are driven by other interests, new directions appear, including in love.
Having managed to learn lessons from your past, you have revised your outlook on life, acquired new principles and habits, and learned different ways of behavior. Now you are ready to love and be loved. People around you no longer give voices of condolences about how you feel. A new life has begun. Rejoice in her!
It may take you a year to complete the four stages, or maybe even all five. It all depends on how strong your desire to free yourself from the past is, how great your efforts are to achieve your goal and how well you have learned the lessons that life has taught you. Give it time and before you know it, the day will come when you will be loving and loved again.
Source:
How to get over a breakup: 4 stages
How long does it take to get over the psychological effects of a breakup?
http://astrozodiac.ru/kak-perezhit-rasstavanie-4-stadii
Getting over a breakup isn't easy. Absolutely all people go through certain stages of separation - some faster, some longer. The website sympaty.net will tell you about each of the stages and give advice on how to cope with your feelings.
If you find yourself in a situation of breaking up a relationship with a loved one and you feel hard, bitter and bad from a variety of thoughts and emotions that have piled up at the same time - this is normal! Don’t think that it’s just you who are such a “nurse” and a “rag,” but somewhere there are “correct women” who easily and simply accept the end of a love relationship, without nerves and tears.
There are no “right” or strong ones - the human psyche is designed in such a way that breaking a relationship is difficult for everyone.
Moreover, this also applies to separation at an early, romantic stage, and after a long time - at the stage of a strong habit towards a partner.
A relationship is literally a drug that is difficult to quit: a narcotic substance can be called hormones released during love - endorphin, dopamine, etc. If it suddenly turns out that their production in the same quantities is no longer relevant, then the person is really in some sense experiencing a withdrawal syndrome, “withdrawal.” This, in principle, explains all the classic situations when “in my mind I understand that my ex is an asshole, but it’s too bad, girls, at least run back to him!”
In general, the stages of separation in women and men occur in the same way, and the difference in behavior is usually explained not by gender differences in psychology, but simply by a person’s habits. Some people “eat away” stress, some turn to drink, some throw themselves into work, but the emotions are the same...
After a love relationship, it is generally difficult for a person to believe that everything is really in the past. It seems that now he/she will come to his senses and return, that it will be possible to start from scratch, etc. If you, and not your partner, were the initiator of the breakup, then at this stage of separation you may want to forgive, close your eyes to all the reasons for which you left, call your ex-man back...
Realize with your mind that everything is really in the past. Do everything to avoid the temptation to enter into communication with your ex - move away, overload yourself with work, take on a creative project, devote a lot of time to children and/or friends, etc. After some time (weeks or months), acceptance of the fact of separation will occur.
After the realization of the completed break has come, a new wave of resentment towards the ex may begin to grow: “here’s an artiodactyl, he deliberately abandoned me, he’s this and that,” etc.
Sometimes you can do without anger - and this is a constructive path.
What to do? If a feeling of strong resentment has befallen you, then... experience this emotion. It’s better to be properly offended and want a new bright life without this person than to endlessly look for excuses for your ex-boyfriend and painfully regret that you couldn’t save your couple.
If at the stage of anger there is no clear desire to stop suffering and continue to live life to the fullest, then the stage of separation may begin, when the woman tries to bargain with herself - how to break up in such a way as to leave herself at least a little hope of returning or to provide an illusory reprieve for the final breakup.
For example, “I will communicate with him, because we have a child, and he should see that mom and dad don’t quarrel, but are friends.” Or “today is the last time I’ll spend the evening with my ex and my boyfriend, but then no, no, I’ll start making new acquaintances!”
What to do? One of two things - either no “last resorts”, or without unnecessary romance and hopes, transform your love relationship into a purely business one (for example, if you really need to communicate on issues of raising a common child).
It occurs when a person realizes that bargaining with himself and/or his former partner failed, and the separation did take place. The psychology of depressive states is a complex matter, but if we are not talking about chronic depression, then it is important to understand that sadness will inevitably pass - this happens in both women and men!
What to do? Quickly move on to the next stage!
Stage 5: final acceptance of the breakup and striving for a new life
This is when you realize that your ex is, of course, an artiodactyl, but there are so many nice guys around! And in general, there’s a new collection in your favorite store, a friend invites you to go pole dancing, and an interesting guy wrote on Tinder...
What to do? A new hairstyle and purchasing new clothes for your wardrobe!
Source:
What stages do people go through when breaking up?
What are the stages of separation? How to get out of depression after a breakup? What should you not do during the breakup process so as not to regret it later?
http://www.sympaty.net/20170713/stadii-rasstavaniya/
Do not rush! 5 stages of breaking up with a man
Pain during separation is natural, and the longer you have been together, the stronger it will manifest itself, especially if the initiative came from your partner. So prepare to grieve. A loved one has left your life, allow yourself to process this loss correctly. You will grieve in accordance with the stages described by psychologists, there are five of them: denial, embitterment, compromise, depression, adaptation.
The first stage is denial or shock stage; the person cannot believe the loss. This stage is especially acute in relation to the death of loved ones (or separation as the death of a relationship).
Bitterness arises after acceptance and is characterized by aggression towards the initiator of the situation. In case of separation, this may include reproaches and insults towards the ex-husband. You count up all the things you've lost and get angry.
The compromise stage is characterized by the fact that you begin to look for options for “reconciliation”: “Let me do something differently, and you will come back to me.”
After the realization comes that attempts are unsuccessful, powerlessness arises, emotions freeze, this is the stage of depression and humility.
Adaptation is the last stage, when the depression passed, the person gained strength, pushed off and began to move on with life. Grief has worked itself out.
All of these stages go through every loss survivor and are worth being aware of. In the event of a breakup, it usually takes at least 9 months before the opportunity and desire to start a new relationship arises.
There is no point in speeding up the stages. In any case, even if you deceive yourself away from suffering (with pills, wine, travel, new connections), the suffering will not go away, but will simply hide deeply. In the next relationship this will result in emotional coldness and lack of any sensations.
Natalya Pakina, psychologist Gloris - Novosibirsk Psychology Center
