How to get what you want and love what you have

Introduction

Life is arranged in such a way that it is easier to get what you want than to keep the desire to enjoy what you have acquired. Many people have learned to get what they want. But the acquired ceases to satisfy them. No matter how many benefits they have, everything is not enough for them; they are gnawed by the feeling that something else is missing. They are dissatisfied with themselves, relatives, health, work. There is always something that makes them restless.
At the other end of the psychological scale are those who do not know how to get more than they have, but are still much more satisfied with themselves, their work and their well-being. Their hearts are open to life, but their dreams have not yet come true. They got the most out of their life situation, but they wonder why others have more. Most people are intermediate in relation to these extremes.
“Personal success” is the central place, being in which you find what you want and do not lose interest in it. Personal success does not depend on who you have become, what you have and what you have achieved, but on how good you are with yourself and with what you do and have. Personal success is entirely in your power. One should only clearly understand what it is and strive to acquire it.
“Personal success” is nothing more than getting what you want without losing interest in it.
However, personal success is not limited to feelings of contentment or happiness. It brings a sense of confidence that you can get what you want and encourages you to act in the right direction. Personal success requires you to have a clear understanding of how to make life the way you want it to be. For some, personal success is learning how to get more; for others, understanding how to become happier. Many people need to learn how to embody both of these important aspects.
To achieve personal success, you don't have to rely on chance, fate, luck, or luck. Some people have an innate tendency to achieve personal success, but most require prior education and training. Fortunately, you can learn how to achieve personal success. You may be much closer to him than you think. For life to find the fullness it desires, most of you only need to make small (but important) changes in thinking, thinking, and acting.
Small but important changes in the way you think can open the door to greater personal success.
By putting into practice one or two new ideas, you can literally transform your life in one evening. Although the circumstances will temporarily remain the same as before, your new perspective on the situation will make it possible to instantly change everything. If you are dazzled by the tinsel of life, curtained windows will allow you to relax and see the world as it is again. Likewise, making certain preparations you make will not only help you live happily with what you have, but will also give you the confidence that you are on the path to getting what you want.

Four Steps to Personal Success

There are four steps to achieving greater success in life. This book discusses them in great detail.
Step one: set a goal for yourself. See where you are now and be clear about where you need to be in order to achieve the desired balance between internal and external success. No matter how hard you work, if you are moving in the wrong direction, you will meet only obstacles in life and never fulfill your dreams. By acting not just in accordance with the desires of the mind, heart and feelings, but in harmony with the aspirations of the soul, you will lay the foundation for both internal and external success.
Step two: get what you need. Learn to get what you need to ”be truly yourself. It is not enough to simply say, "I want to be myself." To know yourself and truly be yourself, you need to learn about the ten kinds of love and care that everyone needs. By realizing what you are missing, and realizing how to find it, you will automatically begin to approach inner success. Your car may be fine, but you won't go anywhere if you haven't filled your tank with gas. Likewise, you cannot find your true self if your need for love is not satisfied.
Step three: get what you want. Learn the secret of achieving external success (without losing your true self) - and you will begin to receive everything you want from the outside world. Realize the importance of strong desires, confidence, and aspiration to attract what you want. Learn to empower your desires by identifying and transforming negative feelings and emotions.
Step four: eliminate the obstacles to personal success. Learn about the twelve types of obstacles that keep you from getting what you want, and begin to clear the path that leads to both inner and outer success. Learn to remove each of the potential obstacles: reproach, depression, anxiety, indifference, bias, indecision, slowness, nagging, resentment, self-pity, confusion, and guilt. Having gained the ability to get rid of all this, you realize that nothing external can interfere with you.

Deborah finds a husband

When Deborah began to study the method of achieving personal success, she fought for external success and was already desperate to get married. By shifting her attention to finding inner peace and harmony, she was able to relax. This change made her realize that she was not being cared for. Previously, she did not allow herself to relax and do what she wanted. Now she felt better, and as a result, she gained the ability to create what she wanted and to attract him to herself.
Deborah not only found a wonderful job, but also met the man of her dreams, whom she married. To start a new stage in life and start a family, she had to remove three obstacles to personal success. When in the past she had to decide on something, she was lost, was constrained and indecisive. Having got rid of internal obstacles, Deborah again wanted to meet a man who would love her. After taking four steps to personal success, she made her dreams a reality.

Tom opens a bakery

Tom always wanted to have his own bakery, but it turned out that he worked at a television station. He did not like the job, and he often condemned those with whom he worked, and took offense at them. Tom's first step towards personal success was to strive to be happy no matter what the circumstances. He began to practice meditation. As a result, I gained a sense of inner harmony.
Work was no longer the main source of his dissatisfaction. Having received the necessary support in meditation, he began to imagine what he would like. Tom began to constantly receive something. His life was filled with small miracles. He wanted to go on a business trip and was sent abroad. He wanted praise and recognition - and he got it. His confidence that he can create and attract what he wants has increased.
This confidence gave him freedom, and he followed his dream: he quit his job and opened a bakery. To make this change in his life, he had to free himself from some internal obstacles. In his previous job, Tom often took offense and condemned people. As mental barriers fell, he got rid of slowness and indecision. Over time, this allowed him to open his own business (now very successful).

Robert finds a common language with children

When Robert began to put into practice the principles of personal success, he was already a multimillionaire. He achieved outward success, but at the same time he did not feel happy at all. He got divorced three times and could not find a common language with his children. He had everything except the understanding of those close to him. None of his assistants and ex-wives had any idea how unhappy he was. People who don't have a lot of money cannot imagine that they can grieve with a million dollars. However, this happens all the time.
In search of happiness, Robert learned to live in harmony with himself. He wanted a person to appear in his life, whom he could make happy with his enormous wealth. But first he had to learn to enjoy himself. Before, in order to feel spiritual comfort, he needed a beautiful woman next to him. Over the course of a year, Robert learned to be happy without her. He gave himself a break and went to travel alone.
Realizing that he could be internally happy, Robert began to improve his relationship with the children. He gave love, and he was reciprocated. Every day the dependence of the millionaire on external success diminished. He was glad of external achievements, but he understood why they did not allow him to find true peace and happiness.
To win the trust of children and share his life with someone, Robert had to overcome many obstacles. He had to get rid of his tendency to reproach, from indifference to his ex-wives and understand why the children were offended by him. By breaking down these barriers, he established relationships with children and found peace and joy.

Overcoming difficulties

After achieving personal success, life no longer seems like a continuous struggle; what was difficult will become easier. Of course, there will be problems in life, but you will be able to solve them more successfully. Doors that previously seemed to be locked will begin to open. You will finally be free, you will feel the opportunity to be yourself and do what you should be doing here and now. You will feel more ready for the exams of life. Inevitable trials will turn into a chance for you to become stronger.
No matter how your spiritual greatness is now manifested, the bright light of your true self will shine, illuminating your path. With the dawn of inner light, your wanderings in darkness will end. You will not only clearly feel what you need to do in this world, but you will also realize that you are not alone in it. The truth that you are loved and cared for will become a living, tangible sensation.
With the dawn of the inner light of love, your wanderings in darkness end.
You should not think of personal success as a conflict-free state granted to you, in which there is no place for disappointment and confusion. The art of achieving personal success is to a large extent the ability to transform negative emotions into positive feelings, to perceive negative experiences as a lesson learned. To truly become yourself, you need to bypass the growth process, which is impossible without changes, ups and downs. You can be considered personal success if you know exactly how to get up after a fall.
The one who dared to be himself and follow the dictates of his heart, sometimes traps lie in wait. Mistakes, obstacles and overcoming them are part of life, important components of our learning and growth.
The main difference between people who have achieved success and those who have failed is knowing how to get up if they fall.
For each person, personal success will be his own, different from someone else's. Some people like to ride a roller coaster. Others prefer the slow rotation of the Ferris wheel and the majestic views that open from it. Some people just walk around, glad that no one bothers them. Naturally, everyone has their own unique way of moving through life. In any case, it will have ups and downs, peaks and valleys, accelerations and decelerations.
As you find personal success, you will continue to experience negative emotions. Ultimately, however, they will lift you to an ever higher crest of joy, love, confidence, and peace. By learning how to deal with negative experiences, you will realize how important they are and give up the dream of living a life without them. Well, if you want to avoid negative and positive emotions forever, rest peacefully in the cemetery.
Life is motion. The secret of personal success is to learn to feel peace, joy, love and confidence in yourself, not to lose contact with your inner world. The one who knows how to make a dream a reality has fewer reasons for anxiety, he accepts life as a process and understands that it takes a certain amount of time to get anything. If your heart is open and you truly are yourself, you will surely be able to appreciate and fully enjoy every step of your unique journey. The expectation of being perfect in life fades away as you find that what you create in life (and what you attract to yourself) is the best you can do.
The key to the future is in your hands. You, and only you, are able to create your tomorrow. With this new perspective, you will be able to find answers to any questions regarding personal success. New perspectives will open before you that will help you make your life meaningful. You will gain undeniable knowledge of how to achieve your cherished goal. These four steps provide you with a practical and spiritual roadmap to help you build your life the way you want to live it.

Chapter 1. Money Can't Buy Happiness

A FEW PEOPLE have gained a lot in life, but at the same time they have lost their peace. The world is full of unfortunate millionaires who are unlucky in love. Yet they and those who look up to them continue to think that by making more money - or by acquiring more “something” - they can find peace of mind.
We have all heard that money cannot buy love and happiness. Despite the popularity of this statement, it is very easy to become entangled in the web of illusory notions that external success brings happiness. The more we think of money as a means of becoming happy, the less able we are to be happy without it.
Perhaps some of you, after reading the previous paragraph, thought: “Yes, I know that money cannot bring real happiness, but it certainly helps to find it.” While this phrase sounds reasonable, it is important to understand that this is a false way of thinking that is robbing you of your strength. To change the direction of your life and gain confidence in your personal success, you need to understand that money does not bring happiness. The idea that money makes you, or someone else, happy is an illusion.

The nature of illusion

Let's dwell on the nature of illusion. Every day you see the sun making its way across the firmament. But at the same time, you know that the sun is not really moving. Although your senses indicate movement, your mind knows that it is not. Although it seems to you that you are motionless, you know that the Earth rotates on its axis. Your mind understands that the movement of the sun is an illusion; you are actually moving.
To understand this illusion, abstract thinking is required, which is absent in a small child. The school teacher notices how, as students develop, abstract thinking comes to replace their concrete thinking. In most cases, these changes happen instantly. The student did not understand algebraic equations at all, but suddenly (when his mind matured) everything became clear to him. If the mind is not ready, no amount of explanation will help the student understand the mentor.
To understand or recognize an illusion, the brain must reach a certain level of development.
The transition from concrete thinking (the world is what we see) to abstract (ideas are real too) usually occurs during puberty. At the age of twelve or thirteen, the brain is sufficiently developed to accept ideas that seem obvious to adults. Just as a child develops, the cognitive capabilities of all mankind grow. Ideas that once perplexed the greatest minds of the past are now accepted by fourteen-year-old schoolchildren.

The formation of common sense

Just five hundred years ago, everyone thought the Earth was flat and the Sun moved across the sky. For the time being, people could not recognize this simple illusion. Their minds were not ready to accept the abstract concepts necessary to recognize that the Earth is moving and the Sun is stationary. When Copernicus described this phenomenon in 1543, many did not want to change their beliefs. The church decided that the scientist was a threat to her, and he spent the rest of his life under house arrest.
After a relatively short time, Copernicus's discovery was recognized. Humanity has made a leap in its development. What most people could not even imagine has become a fact. Today humanity is participating in another leap - moving towards understanding the secrets of personal success. It approached this level of development thanks to the great teachings and religions. As we move forward, these important traditions will remain a solid foundation (just as the student of algebra relies on the mathematical foundations of “concrete thinking”).
In our historical time, many illusions have been debunked - in particular, illusions about the relationship between a man and a woman. People always ask me: “Why did no one write“ Men from Mars, Women from Venus ”before you? After all, everything is so obvious. It seems like it's just commonplace. ”

An idea for which the time has come

The simple answer to this question is: it's an idea whose time has come. Fifty or even twenty years ago, it was not that popular. When I started teaching the Men from Mars, Women from Venus system in the early eighties, some people literally amazed me at how misunderstood my words were. They were not able to realize the fact that men and women are simply different, but this does not mean that one of them is worse than the other. They believed that if a man and a woman are different, then one of them must be better. And since I am a man, it seemed to people that I was claiming that men are better than women. Gradually, over fifteen years, the ideas reflected in the book "Men from Mars, Women from Venus" became generally accepted not only in America, but throughout the world. These changes in understanding are global.
What is obvious to one generation was a revelation to the previous one. Fifteen years ago, feminists argued that we are all equal, because we are the same - women are no different from men. To achieve equality, women sought to prove that they were the same as men. In the end, society abandoned the notion that one sex is better than the other. Now it is clear to everyone that men and women are different from each other, but now we also understand that being different does not mean being better than others.
What is obvious to one generation has always been a revelation to the previous one.
We are on the verge of recognizing gender equality and reject the erroneous assumption that one sex can be inherently better than the other. We are gradually awakening to be ready to eliminate racial discrimination. Likewise, more and more people are recognizing the value of all religious teachings. It becomes apparent that God does not differentiate between religions. The grace of God is available to everyone, whether you are an agnostic, atheist, Christian, Jew, Hindu, Muslim, or anyone else. God loves everyone regardless of their beliefs. As the world becomes more and more compact, we get the opportunity to see with our own eyes the high moral qualities of people professing different religions. The recognition that these qualities are inherent in everyone, regardless of religion, frees many people from the narrow boundaries of their past beliefs.
People are beginning to take it for granted that all major religions teach truth while remaining distinct from each other. And thank God - after all, millions of lives were ruined because people did not realize: spiritual messages may be different, but they say the same thing. As we enter the new millennium, it becomes obvious again that “there are many ways, but they all lead to the same place”. The illusion misled us: it seemed to us that for all people there is only one way, one type of higher person, one higher teaching or one higher religion. After we have seen wisdom in all religions, the truth of our own path becomes more and more obvious to us.

A new door is opening

All these changes in conventional wisdom open a new door for humanity. Now we can debunk other illusions: the idea that our sense of self depends on the outside world; that outward success can make us happy.
While it may seem that the outside world is responsible for how we feel, the entire responsibility for this lies with ourselves. When the outside world gives us what we wanted and “makes us happy,” happiness immediately vanishes as we continue to think we need to get something else to be happy. If we believe that we are dependent on the outside world, our connection with the inner being weakens. Happiness is overwhelmed by the belief that it is impossible without additional acquisitions. Conversely, the belief that happiness does not depend on external circumstances (and constant confirmation of this) prolongs our joy. Let me try to explain this using the example of money.
The joy will be endless if we make sure that our happiness does not depend on external circumstances.
It is not money that makes us happy, but inner faith, feeling and desire. Having received more money, we become happy, because we believe that now we can be ourselves. It’s not money that makes us happy, but the ability to become ourselves. For a short period of time, we gain confidence: "Now I am free to be myself and do what I want."
This kind of faith makes us dependent on money. In fact, regardless of wealth, we have always had inner freedom. From this moment on, you have the strength to look into yourself and feel your inner goodness and greatness. To begin to feel the truth of this important statement, you just need to learn a few things and practice a little.
From this moment on, you have the strength to look into yourself and feel your inner goodness and greatness.
Money makes us happy because we believe that it allows us to be who we want to be, do what we want, have what we want, and experience what we want. We lack the ability to feel that we are already full of happiness, love, peace and confidence.
However, this sensation is available to everyone. In the past, very few achieved this level of understanding. Now it is available to everyone who has taken at least a few steps in a new direction. What used to be the lot of the few who left the vanity of life for the sake of gaining inner peace, can now be acquired by anyone.
When Jim came for a consultation, he was depressed. He was forty-two years old, and he was unhappy with the course of his life. Seeing people passing by him in expensive cars, he envied them, felt himself to some extent a failure. He didn't live up to their standard, he wasn't good enough for him.
He resented that others have more than him. After all, he did everything right: he finished school, worked hard and went to church. Why didn't he get these funny toys? Why was he cheated? Jim took offense at the rich and condemned them, while feeling sorry for himself.
After attending a personal success class, his attitude towards money changed. He realized that he had never really given them the proper attention and therefore never got rich. Although Jim wanted more money, he realized that he was living well and without frills. And he also became convinced that, by condemning money and wealth, he punished himself.
His next task was the desire to desire more, remaining the happy owner of what little he had. Seeing expensive cars, he said: "Such cars are for me." As he got rid of envy, overcame a negative attitude towards money, he allowed himself to have more. Jim forgave himself previous failures and mistakes, believing that they went to him for the future.
He realized that he could not only receive more, but also feel satisfaction from what he had. And he clearly realized that for happiness he does not need to have material goods. Having got rid of his attachment to money, he began to receive more. Jim has learned the secret to finding what he wants. He learned to want more by being content with what he has.
What was previously available to only a few, who left the vanity of life in order to gain inner peace, can now be acquired by all.
When I began teaching the principles of personal success to others over twenty-five years ago, the results were good. But they cannot be compared with the current successes of my students. What I had to spend more than a quarter of a century - most of my life - they master over the weekend, in a two-day seminar. Today is as different from yesterday as day from night ...
Teachers love to take credit for the success of their students. However, my claims are more modest. I am simply deeply convinced of the timeliness of this teaching. We were born at the hour when humanity is making an epoch-making step forward. If the student's mind is turned on (as in solving an algebra problem), very little clarification and practice will lead him to new discoveries and insights.
As a teacher with more than twenty-five years of experience, I can attest to the reality of the current changes in consciousness. Today everyone can comprehend: only he himself is responsible for his sense of self. This simple but very important idea, which is the secret of achieving personal success, will eventually be accepted and put into practice by everyone, not just the rare lucky ones.

Chapter 2. External Success Enhances Our Senses

MONEY, RECOGNITION, family, kids, great work, stunning outfits, winning the lottery, and any other form of outer success are like a magnifying glass that refracts your inner feelings. If you are already calm, you will feel even more calm. If you have happiness and love, they will multiply. If you are confident in yourself, you will become even more confident.
The opposite is also true: depending on how unhappy you are, your life will decline in joy, love, confidence, and peace. If you have not yet achieved personal success, then any additional acquisitions will simply complicate your life and create unnecessary problems. If you were unhappy, getting rich will not make you any happier.
If you are happy and know that your happiness is not dependent on additional cash injections, increasing your bank account can make you happier. There is nothing wrong with wanting to have more money. The desire to get rich limits us only when we forget that the true source of happiness is within us.
The secret of how to get what you want and love what you have is the ability to be happy, loving, confident and calm, regardless of external circumstances. As a result, you become happier as you achieve more success in the world. If you have learned to be happy with what you already have, then in accordance with your true needs, life will give you material success.

The illusion of external success

All promises of external success are illusory. When we are unhappy, we think that a new car, a better job, or a loving person will make us happier. However, each purchase leads to the exact opposite result.
When we are unhappy, we usually think that by acquiring something, we can satisfy our inner pain. But this is not the case. Acquisitions are never enough. As we continue to feel unhappy about not having more than we have, the illusion of outward success is reinforced. We believe even more strongly that we cannot be happy without receiving more. Some typical examples are:
"I can't be happy if I don't make a million dollars."
"I cannot be happy if my bank account is empty."
"I cannot be happy if my wife does not change her attitude towards me."
"I can't be happy if my husband doesn't pay more attention to me."
“I cannot be happy if I don’t find a better job.”
"I can't be happy if I don't lose weight."
"I can't be happy if I don't win."
"I can't be happy if I don't get respect and recognition."
"I cannot be happy with so much stress in my life."
"I cannot be happy if I have too much to do."
"I cannot be happy if I have nothing to do."
It seems that having received what we want, we became happy, but soon we are again seized by the blues. As before, we mistakenly think that we will get rid of pain and become happy with something else. Unfortunately, with every attempt to find external success, we only feel the inner emptiness more strongly. Our life is not only not filled with greater joy and peace, but we are sinking deeper and deeper into the abyss of confusion and disappointment.
If we have not achieved personal success, then the more we gain, the more unhappy we become. Why are newspapers full of stories about hapless rich people and celebrities? For many of them, fame and money only bring suffering, drug addiction, divorce, violence, betrayal and depression.
If we don’t learn to achieve personal success, then the more we gain, the more dissatisfied and restless we will become.
The life stories of the stars clearly show that external success can only bring satisfaction if we have gained an internal positive sense of self. Depending on the degree of personal success achieved, external success can become both heaven and hell.

Personal success comes from within.

Personal success comes from within; it can be achieved if you are able not only to be yourself, but also to love yourself. You must be able to do what you want to be confident, happy and strong. Personal success is characterized not only by the achievement of a goal, but also by the feeling of gratitude and satisfaction that comes after finding what you want. Whoever you are and how much you have, without personal success, you will forever lack something for complete happiness.
Personal success is achieved when you are truly happy with yourself and your past, present and future.
To achieve personal success, we first need to understand the futility of trying to make material success our top priority. What good is it to receive something and feel that it is not enough? Why get what you always wanted if after that you lose interest in it? What's the use of millions of dollars if, looking in the mirror, you dislike your reflection? Should you sing a song that everyone likes but hates you? To truly find lasting happiness, you need to make small but very important changes in your thinking. It is necessary to put in the first place the achievement of not material, but personal success.

Feeling happy

Lasting happiness comes from within. Acquiring what you want makes you happy only to the extent that you are already happy. If you did something well or learned something new, then it will give you strength only to the extent that you already felt confident. Someone's love will support you just as much as you have already loved yourself. In your life, you can find only that amount of peace, harmony and time for relaxation, which corresponds to the level of your relaxation and serenity. The outside world can fill us with love, joy, strength and peace only if we already feel them inside ourselves.
Material success can only make you happy if you are already happy.
If you are already happy, then whatever you receive allows you to feel your happiness. Imagine lying comfortably but still in a warm bath. Isn't it true that the feeling that the water is warm passes away? If you begin to move slightly, you will feel the rush of warmth again. To feel warmth, you need two things: you have to be in warm water and you have to move.
Similarly, in order to experience waves of happiness, we need to already be happy and, in addition, create new waves by acquiring what we want. If we are already happy, then it will not take extraordinary material success for the gentle and gentle waves of joy to arise.
Figuratively speaking, if you are in a pool of inner strength and confidence, you will feel waves of confidence as you move. For those immersed in a reservoir of love and peace, movement will bring waves of love and peace.
On the other hand, if you feel unhappy, unloved, insecure, stressed, then all your actions will bring you waves of unhappiness, disappointment and suffering. And it doesn't matter what progress you have at the moment in getting what you want. All the same, they will only bring you torment and stress.

The true cause of unhappiness

If, after achieving external success, we still remain unhappy, then we decide that the cause of our unhappiness is the absence of some other thing. It is very easy to draw such a wrong conclusion. Most of the time we are unhappy, we want something. And we automatically make the conclusion: we are unhappy because we do not have what we want. This conclusion is wrong.
We make the mistake of thinking that we’re unhappy because we didn’t get or don’t have what we want.
As you move closer to personal success, you’ll realize that wanting to have something that doesn’t exist is not the cause of unhappiness. On the contrary, this positive and joyful feeling is comparable to excitement, confidence, determination, courage, excitement, enthusiasm, faith, appreciation, gratitude, love - the list goes on and on. Striving for more is not the cause of unhappiness. If inwardly you are already happy and confident in yourself, then the desire to have more and the efforts made in this direction fill you with waves of joy, love, confidence and peace.
Striving for more is inherent in the nature of the soul, mind, heart and feelings. The soul always wants to be bigger. The mind is always looking for food for itself and seeks new knowledge. The heart always wants more love. Feelings always need more pleasure. If we truly are ourselves, we will always want more.
Striving for more is inherent in the nature of the soul, mind, heart and feelings.
It is natural to want more love. It is good if you strive for success in your work. It is normal to enjoy through the senses and want more. Striving for more is our natural state. There is nothing wrong with this desire. Wealth, a successful career and creative growth, love, pleasure, movement towards more - all this is the nature of life.
Striving for more while having less is not the cause of our unhappiness. The real cause of unhappiness is simply due to a lack of inner joy and has nothing to do with external conditions. Misery is like darkness. Darkness is the absence of light. To eliminate darkness, you just need to turn on the light. Likewise, the feeling of unhappiness diminishes as we learn to turn on the light within ourselves.
Darkness cannot be dispelled without turning on the light.
By touching our true nature and not losing touch with it, we will naturally be happy. Why? Because they are happy by nature. Our true nature is always full of love, joy, confidence and peace. To find happiness, we need to embark on an inner journey to discover (and remember) who we really are. Turning inward, we will find that we already have the joy, love, strength and peace that we were looking for. These qualities are our essence.

Chapter 3. Selling for External Success

In LITERATURE AND FILM, there is often a plot of the sale of a soul to the devil (or "dark forces") for the sake of achieving success. Of course, these stories are fantastic. However, interpreted as a metaphor, they are instructive. Outward success is much easier to achieve by giving up your true nature. Selling (selling your soul) means putting external success above the striving of your soul for love, joy and peace.
Love, joy, faith, compassion, tolerance, wisdom, courage, humanity, gratitude, nobility, confidence, delicacy - these and other human qualities are inherent in everyone. If you deny the natural process of developing these qualities, then you have sold out. You will achieve outer success, but that is not the true achievement.
If you focus your entire attention on external success, you can achieve it faster, but you will also lose yourself. You will lose interest in what you have. Peace will go out of your mind, and love will go out of your heart. Phantom happiness will always beckon you; it will be near, but beyond the line, where it cannot be reached.
If you focus entirely on external success, you can achieve it faster, but you will also lose yourself.
Many people have achieved impressive success in this world without loving. To become stronger, they gave up their inner loving self. Making decisions and doing what brings outward success is easier if you don't care about anyone. This is the flip side of material success. You don’t have to cut everyone to the same size, but it does explain why some very uncouth types are so powerful.
By abandoning concern for the needs and feelings of other people, from justice, they gave themselves the freedom to be selfish. Unburdened by an understanding of the needs of others, they can push ahead. The pages of history are replete with the names of people who achieved power and fame by walking over their heads. They only cared about strength, and what happens to others, they did not care. External success was more important to them than the desire to remain themselves. However, although outwardly their life seemed lush, poverty reigned inside them.

Be happy and success will come ... but not always

On the other hand, some people prefer to be themselves, but do not seek outward success. They live at the behest of their hearts, follow their joy, or simply go with the flow. Sometimes their slogan becomes the words: "Never mind, relax" or "All the will of God." They believe that if they focus on feeling happy, success will come naturally. While this sounds great, it is not always the case. Being yourself will make you happy, but not necessarily what you want.
The world is full of people who are very happy, although they do not bathe in luxury. Visiting villages in India, Southeast Asia, some African countries and other parts of the world, I have seen many joyful and peaceful people who do without any external "success." There are millions of those in the world who are happy, although poor. Even in rich countries, some of the nicest and most warm-hearted people struggle to pay their bills and can barely make ends meet. These people have found joy and love in life, but they do not know how to get more from it.
There are millions of people in the world who are happy but poor.
While some are simply not able to pay enough attention to material success, others reject external success and label it as the cause of all the world's problems, which is not always true. Together with the water, they throw out the child. It is a mistake to give up material desires, seeing that others have become victims of material success. Whether we consciously deny the material world or simply cannot effectively act in this environment, it is a negative attitude towards wealth that prevents us from accessing it.
It is not enough just to be happy internally. To live the life for which we were created, we must allow ourselves to want more. If you are one of those who do not care about money, it is worth reconsidering your attitude towards it. The point is, you can unconsciously block your inner desire for more. While you are happy, you can become even happier by recognizing the existence of other facets of your true self.
Sometimes, when we cannot achieve what we want, we, being disappointed, give up desires. In order not to feel the inner pain, we try to get rid of it, saying: "It was not so important" or "It does not touch me in the least." This tendency can ultimately dull our senses and prevent our natural desires from manifesting.

From monks to millionaires

Between the ages of twenty and thirty, I went through a phase of denying the outer dimensions of success. After living in Switzerland as a monk for nine years, I eventually “found God” and discovered an amazing source of inner happiness. To a certain extent, I have renounced the need for external success. But I still wanted to change the world and prayed to God to show me the way to this. An inner voice directed me to California.
Having settled in Los Angeles, I, perhaps, shunned material success more than before. He believed that the rich are selfish, not choosing the means to achieve the desired goals, and that all the world's problems are from them. Without respect and compassion for people and nature, moneybags are simply concerned with satisfying their insatiable lust for wealth and power. I rebelled, refused to get a job, and gave everything I had to the poor. For several months I was a homeless vagabond.
One night, while sitting with other homeless people around a campfire, I experienced a turning point. Just as I was sharing my ideas with them, one of my friends handed me a beer and said, "John, we love to hear your sermons, but we don't understand anything about what you say." We all laughed.
That night, I remembered his words again. A single phrase served as a catalyst and made me turn back. I realized that I needed to find my place in the world, find a way to improve it in my own way. I also realized that I was deprived of many of the amenities that I used before. Although my heart was filled with love and joy, I was a beggar. This lifestyle did not suit me. I was hungry, cold, crushed, scared and lost. Since I had entrusted my heart to God, I began to ask Him for help.
Nine years of monastic life taught me how to find inner happiness. But that night I found that my soul wants a lot more. I realized that just being happy with what you have is not enough; one should also respect one's material desires. When I began to ask God for more, it began to come to me. Small miracles immediately began to happen around me.
It is not enough just to be happy with what you have; one should also respect one's material desires.
I was hungry and someone invited me to dinner. I was tired of spending the night in the car, and someone called me to temporarily stay with him. I needed to refuel and my parents sent me gas coupons. The joy and elation that I experienced from all these gifts helped me to look differently at my attitude towards money and wealth. Since I had been materially successful for a year, my life began to become comfortable again. I stuck to my line, but my prayers were answered.
I have always lived according to the words of Jesus: "Seek first within the kingdom of God, and all the rest will be added to you." From that very wonderful night, a new phase of my journey began. I have found the inner Kingdom of God; now it's time for everything else. Over the next nine years, I was given everything I wanted, and even that which I did not even think about.
It took me nine years to find my true self and reconnect with God. Nine more were spent to attract and create everything I desired in the outside world. During this time, I was able to achieve success that surpassed all my expectations and developed practical methods that allow people to make their dreams come true much faster.
Although I had to devote nine years of meditation, prayer, and devotion to God to achieve inner success, others do not need such long-term obedience. With the entry into the new millennium, in order to attain the inner Kingdom of Heaven, it is no longer necessary to renounce the world and meditate for ten to fifteen hours a day.

Give me money

Looking at the path traveled, I see many of my mistakes. However, these miscalculations were necessary for me to find my way. Fortunately, in my life I was not deprived of love and care, which allowed me to learn from these mistakes a lesson. Having experienced hardship, I allowed myself to ask for more. Difficulties taught me: he who does not ask will not find. After asking God to show me the way, I finally realized that I could ask him to give me money as well.
Gradually, I began to realize that I could ask God to give me money.
In addition to prayer, I was helped to move forward by knowing that I had the ability to get what I wanted. I was not alone. God helped me, I had family and friends who took care of me, who could and wanted to help me start all over again.
I was able to rebuild so quickly because I felt the love and care of God, my family and friends. For God's blessing to accompany our lives, we must do everything in our power to get what we want. It is a mistake to just wait for God to do everything for you. It won't work that way. God only does what you cannot do.
In answer to your prayers, God does only what you yourself cannot do.
To achieve outward success, it is not enough to simply find God; you must also learn to get what you need to grow. The grain can be healthy, the soil is fertile, but if there is no water, it will not germinate. Satisfying the emotional need for love and care is essential to achieving inner and outer success. Once we have what we need, we can look back at the difficulties we faced and learn from them. This will help us grow. Without heartfelt support, we tend to look into the past with resentment and judgment, missing out on opportunities for learning and inner growth.
I believe that the experience of a homeless and impoverished life helped me to open my heart wider to the material world. Getting back on my feet, I began to respect money. And I clearly saw that they can be both a blessing of heaven and a ticket to hell. Money itself is neutral - we endow it with positive or negative properties. Vagrancy has caused me a great appreciation for money for the benefits that they give.
Money can be either a blessing from heaven or a ticket to hell.
I still remember the joy and gratitude I felt when a friend, seeing how needy I was, gave me fifty dollars. Only a hungry person truly appreciates the simple joys of life. Since then, gratitude for what I have, plus the confidence that I can have more, have become a magnet that attracts success to my life.
Although I love the comfort and trappings of external success, even today, traveling the world, I sometimes live like a native. The isolation from the usual Western conveniences reminds me of their ephemerality; being without wisdom protects me from losing respect for what I have.
When the main difficulties you have to overcome are not drinking water, toilet paper, hot food, showers and bed, a huge number of factors leading to stress disappear from your life. Losing comfort for a while, I again understand that I can be happy without him. When the mind, heart, and senses cannot enjoy pleasure, the inner light of the soul has a chance to shine brighter.
This experience would not be so bright if I did not know that I was able to return to my previous life and again achieve material success. If I decide to give up the benefits of civilization, it will not be forever. I still respect my need for pleasure, comfort, wealth, money, family, friends, and health. In five or six days I return to comfort - I check into a room of a good hotel with hot water. In doing so, I experience such physical pleasure and joy that I thank God for my outward success.
The pursuit of money undoubtedly hurts the world. But don't forget why this is happening. The problem is not in the consumer society and not in our irrepressible thirst for material goods. External success only becomes the cause of unhappiness when we put it first and refuse to be ourselves - real. If we have satisfied the soul's desire to be whole, money becomes one of the blessings of God.
The pursuit of money and outward success is healthy and wholesome. Success in the “sublunary world” does not take you away from your true self. You can have external success while still being yourself. You can get what you want by continuing to love what you have. By knowing how to achieve personal success, you can enjoy both inner and outer success.

Chapter 4. How to Get What You Need

Until then, it was about the importance of being yourself and finding inner happiness before you start focusing on outer desires. But how can you find inner happiness if you are unhappy? How can you love yourself and others if there is no love in your life? What if you don't like your reflection in the mirror? You are trying to love your neighbor, but at the same time you are angry with him. You try to love your job, but it hates you or makes you bored. You love your family, but you feel guilty for wanting to break out of this routine. How can you find happiness when the world tramples you down?
The answer to this question is: "Define your needs and satisfy them." Your car may be fine, but you won't go anywhere if you haven't filled your tank with gas. Likewise, if we don't get what we need, we temporarily deny our true nature. Our true nature is happiness. To experience it, to get in touch with it, we just need to feel the characteristic kind of love and support. Until we open our hearts to acquire what we need, we cannot find our way home.
Your car may be all right, but you will not move if you have not filled the tank with gas.
If you do not feel internal success, it is not at all because you have received less than something in the external world. We often make this inference, but it is wrong. If our path in life is too bumpy to find peace, love, joy and confidence, we need to remember who we are and reconnect with our inner nature. We cannot find inner happiness until we get what we need.
In moments of happiness, we receive exactly the kind of love we need. If we are unhappy, it always happens because we somehow lack a certain kind of love. Love is like fuel: if we stop getting the fuel we need, we automatically turn off. The light bulb may be all right, but if it does not receive electricity, it will not light up. When we receive love, we gain the energy we need to connect with our true self. Getting what we want is like pushing the button on a light switch. Field wiring; we only need to turn on the light.

Vitamins of love

Just as the body needs water, air, vitamins and microelements to maintain health, so the soul needs certain types of love - so that it grows and fully manifests itself through the mind, heart and body. The mind helps the soul to fulfill its purpose in the world: it sets goals, strives for them, thinks constructively, hopes. The heart also helps the soul, which attracts what is necessary for its growth. Feelings nourish the soul, supplying the necessary information from the outside world and giving us pleasant sensations.
The heart helps the soul by attracting what is necessary for its growth.
Until the soul receives what it needs, it is powerless to guide our life and make it harmonious. Without connection with the soul, we wander in the dark. We may think we know where we are going, but we will never be truly satisfied. To establish a connection with your soul, you need to open your hearts and accept in them the love that we need. To be healthy and strong, the soul needs various vitamins of love.
If our hearts are closed and our minds are facing the wrong direction, we will not be able to achieve inner success. By learning to identify your need for love and opening your heart to the vitamins of love, you can always establish a connection with your inner self.
You need ten kinds of love, ten vitamins of love. Each of them is needed to achieve personal success. To know your true self, you need to open your heart to meet all the vitamins of love. Each of the vitamins listed below is important to immediately release tension and feel the strength and ability to create and attract success.
there are eight vitamins of love
Vitamin B 1 - God's love and care.
Vitamin R - parental love and care.
Vitamin D - love and support of family, friends and the availability of leisure.
Vitamin E - love and support from peers and like-minded people.
Vitamin S - love and support from oneself.
Vitamin V is the love and support of those with whom you have a close relationship - partners or lovers.
Vitamin Z is the love and support of those who depend on us.
Vitamin O is a loving reward for the social environment.
Vitamin M is a love tribute to the world.
Vitamin B 2 - loving service to God.
Those who live in wealth and contentment are fueled by each of these ten types of love and support. The main reason why you are not satisfied with life (no internal success) or not getting what you want (no external success) is that you are not getting what you need. It happens that your heart is open, but you are looking in the wrong direction. And sometimes you look where you should be, but your heart is closed and you cannot absorb the love that your soul needs. As you learn more about each of these love vitamins and how to get what you need, you will find that you have gained the ability to fulfill your desires.

Each of the vitamins of love is important

Each of the ten types of love and support is essential for a whole person. While each type of love is just as important as the others, in practice it doesn't always look that way. If your body is sick, it may be due to a lack of just one vitamin. In this case - although all vitamins are important - the vitamin that is lacking will be more important to you than others. By taking and assimilating the vitamin that was lacking, you will immediately improve your well-being.
Likewise, if you lack a particular vitamin of love, no matter how much you absorb the rest, you will still not be happy. This is why there are so many approaches to the problem of finding happiness. Some people flourish when they discover the love of God, while others only need to love themselves to change their lives for the better. Someone finds happiness in love affairs, but for someone it is good to spend time with family and friends. Different people have different emotional gaps, and most of all they need the kind of love that they lack.
Our love needs are not the same as each one has a different deficit.
For example, if a person who lacked the feeling that God loves him takes this spiritual revelation with all his heart, an incredible metamorphosis will happen to him. But others who are not aware of the deficit of divine love will not experience such a dramatic experience. Of course, they will feel uplifted, but they will not be overwhelmed with emotions. This is similar to how we eat. When a hungry person eats, he is very happy and tastes delicious to him. But to those who have eaten a decent portion, the supplement does not seem as tasty and no longer brings pleasure. An excess of goods dulls our ability to enjoy them. Having gotten fed up, we do not require supplements, but strive to retire.
Chris is a zealous member of his church. For many years he was quite content with his life. He has a wife, family and a good job. But after forty he was overcome by depression. In conversations with him, it turned out that because of this depression, he, in turn, felt a sense of guilt.
Chris thought: since he found God, then he should be happy. He dedicated his life to being good and serving God. And he could not understand why he was so depressed. Chris felt guilty about the lack of connection with God and the joy that he experienced before when he was a neophyte.
Upon learning about the vitamins of love, Chris realized that he did nothing to diversify his leisure time. He lacked vitamins D and S. He worked so hard to be good that he could not pay enough attention to himself. In his devotion to God, he was so thorough that he did not have time to relax and please himself.
To get out of depression, Chris needed to divert his attention from serving God and focus on himself. He decided to take a break, bought a cool car and went on a trip with his wife and children. Chris allowed himself something he had never done before. He and his wife read several books about sex and love, after which they began to enjoy more in the bedroom.
Since he did not blame himself for shifting his attention from God to his own person, he felt better. Freed for a while from responsible duties in his spiritual community, he soon returned to it. Here Chris again received respect and support. He needed to understand that by taking time for himself, he does not stop loving God at all.

You can always find the love that you surrender

You are able to attract the love you need, but your heart needs to open up to contain it, and your mind needs to know what you need. If your heart wants what is not available to you, then you are looking in the wrong direction. More often than not, you are not getting what you need because you are trying to get everything from one source. You want to be healthy by taking just one vitamin. If you think that you cannot get the love that you want, this is a signal that you have paid attention to the wrong vitamin.
If your heart wants what is not available to you, then you are looking in the wrong direction.
This often happens in marriage. When people get married, they neglect some of the vitamins of love. At first, everything is fine, the young feel like they are in seventh heaven. Why not? They found someone with whom to share love and who meets their need for vitamin V (the love and support of those with whom you have a close relationship - partners or lovers). This feeling is so strong that spouses temporarily forget about all their other needs.
But this heaven is temporary. Taking large doses of vitamin V leaves you oblivious to your other unmet needs. The soul needs all ten vitamins, although the heart can only absorb one at a time. Those who think: “I do not have enough of all ten vitamins, but I will take one of them - and I will get everything I need” are mistaken.
The soul needs all ten vitamins of love, but the heart can only absorb one at a time.
If you do not have enough vitamin V, but at the same time you do not receive enough other vitamins, then, saturating with vitamin V, you will be in the dark about the types of love you are missing. However, once the need for vitamin V is met, you will feel a void in your other unmet need for love.
As soon as one need is satisfied, we immediately experience dissatisfaction to the extent that corresponds to the deficiency of another kind of love. At some point (when we got what we need from vitamin V), we inevitably begin to feel that a void has formed in relationships with loved ones, caused by the dissatisfaction of other needs.
This explains why so many couples are at first overwhelmed by love, and then - by the exact opposite feeling. The initial relationship is so cloudless
the fact that for a while we cease to feel the inner emptiness, the lack of love. We get in touch with our inner nature and feel great. As our need for vitamin V is satisfied, we begin to feel as unhappy as we were before love came to us.
At this moment, we stop loving. Whatever we (or our companion) do, we are all over the place. We are annoyed. Now our situation is even worse than before, because we are confident that our partner is worthy of condemnation. We no longer enjoy the presence of our half, but we want her to change (or we want to change her for another). Our hearts do not strive for love, and trying to improve our relationship with our partner (or find someone with whom the relationship would be better) only brings confusion into our lives. When we are judged, we not only lose our ability to get what we need, but we also begin to hurt each other.
By learning to recognize the different vitamins of love, you will not be deceived by the illusion of not having the necessary. If there are obstacles in the way of acquiring what you need, you can shift your focus in the right direction and immediately receive the support you need. Knowing where to look and how to receive, you will understand that you can always find the love you need.

Chapter 5. Ten receptacles of love

UNDERSTANDING THE DYNAMICS OF OBTAINING what is needed will help the understanding of the ten containers of love. Imagine the need for each type of love as a separate reservoir. Each person has ten such containers. If we do not want to lose touch with our true self, we need to make sure that they are always filled.
If we have lost contact with the qualities of our true self, then the level of love in one or more reservoirs will decline. By taking a specific vitamin of love, you begin to fill the appropriate container. When the reservoir is full, we will reconnect with our self.
Thus, the secret of constant connection with your true self is keeping the reservoirs of love filled. As long as they are full, we can experience increasing joy, peace, and confidence. And besides, do not lose contact with your inner potential, the ability to create and attract more benefits.
As soon as one of the containers is filled, in order not to upset the internal balance, you need to start filling the next one. If you don't follow from time to time
for the satisfaction of all your needs for love - you will not see happiness. For example, turning for love only to your companion, you will begin to resent him for the fact that he does not give you more than you expect from him.
As soon as one of the containers is filled, you need to start filling the next one so as not to lose your inner balance.
Your love relationship is the filling of the reservoir V. Trying to receive the vitamin of love from the partner after this reservoir has been drained, we disconnect from the source that feeds us. The irony is that often, looking for the vitamin of love that would unite us, we achieve the opposite result. If the connection with the true source that makes us harmonious is broken, no matter what the partner does, it will seem to you that he is not diligent enough. In a situation like this, we mistakenly decide that we can improve it by working on the relationship. In fact, you just need to pay attention to another reservoir of love.
If the container with vitamin V is full, then by concentrating all efforts on solving problems in relationships, we will only aggravate the situation. Not knowing this, the spouses spoil each other's life, trying to improve the situation in the family according to their own mind. As a husband and wife learn to recognize the signs that the reservoir is full and shift their attention to filling another reservoir of love, they can avoid a great deal of unnecessary suffering.
George and Rose have been married for eight years. Although they applied in life the advice and ideas contained in the book “Men from Mars, Women from Venus” on improving interpersonal relationships, they were still unhappy with each other. It seemed that George could not do anything well. He tried to do what he read about, but his wife, Rosa, it was not enough. She felt that he was inwardly deaf to her words and did not give her what she needed.
Rose tried to be a loving wife, but felt that, no matter how much love she gave, George takes all her requests as criticism. It seemed to her that she was walking on an eggshell. Although Rosa wanted to love, she was consumed by a feeling of resentment. The more she tried to do the right thing, the more she resented George for not getting what she needed in communication with him. The relationship between George and Rose is no longer romantic.
After hearing about the reservoirs of love, George and Rosa decided not to demand anything from each other for six weeks. All the while, they slept in separate rooms and focused on other sources of getting what they needed. They refrained from extremes like looking for a certain kind of love on the side, but finally took time for themselves, chatting with friends and family. They did what they wanted and did not expect anything from each other.
Accustomed to the new position, they felt much happier. And when they stopped blaming each other for their misfortune, they realized that everything was fine with them. As they began to fill other reservoirs of love, they felt better and felt a fuller life.
Six weeks later, the hour of reunification has come. It was delicious. For the first time in many years, George really wanted Rose, took an interest in her. Rose, in turn, enjoyed her husband's attention and was very grateful for him. Now she had everything she wanted before. He was attentive, sensitive, interesting, focused on her. Rose herself exuded everything she dreamed of: gratitude, optimism, happiness to be around and reciprocity. To find each other again, George and Rose only needed to refrain from communication for a while, and then return to it already on a new level.

Tank filling signs

When the reservoir fills up, we experience a surge of positive emotions. At this time, we may think that our partner makes us happy, but in reality it is just the joy of contact with our inner self. However, it is the love and support of a partner that helps us to turn to ourselves. If someone looks at you with love, shows tender feelings for you, you can understand your essence deeper. Different types of love help us connect with different faces of our true self.
When the reservoir of love is filled to the brim, the feeling of inner excess goes away. Longing, anxiety and dissatisfaction await you. Sometimes we think that we are unhappy with our partner, although in fact we feel the total emptiness of our other containers of love.
If the reservoir of love is filled to the brim, we are overcome with longing and anxiety.
A strange but inevitable sign of a full reservoir is a feeling of lack of something. At this time, it is important to know where to look, otherwise our mind will blame the partner. If you are unhappy with your relationships with people, instead of trying to make them better, step back and start filling other containers of love.
If two people, previously absorbed in love for each other, lose this feeling, the reason usually lies in a lack of vitamin S (self-love). When we don't love ourselves too much, we begin to expect more from our partner. To experience love, we need to receive more and more of it from a companion. But no matter what he says or does, it will not be enough for us. If you lack self-love, your partner's love will not help you feel better. Only you can handle this.
If you don't love yourself, no one but yourself can help you feel better.
If I believe that I am good enough, no matter what you do, do not dissuade me from this. Accordingly, if I consider myself not good enough, you are unlikely to help me feel better. If we do not love ourselves, there is no need to rely on someone else's love. Only ourselves can fill our reservoirs of love. If our level of self-love is low, we begin to judge our partner for not treating us the way they should. We want from him such an attitude towards ourselves, in which we would again become happy. But this is unreal. With this approach, we will only worsen the situation.
It seems to us that the partner does not meet our expectations. We begin to compare what we get now with what we would like to get. We make a list of the partner's actions that were not done for us. The leitmotif becomes: "What have you done for me lately?" All these symptoms clearly indicate the need to shift our attention to filling the reservoir with vitamin S. By focusing on self-love, feeling some autonomy, we will gradually re-establish the connection with our center. Taking time for ourselves - a time in which we can do what we want - we will feel better again.

Start by loving yourself

I discovered the existence of reservoirs of love when I was writing one of my first books. At first it seemed that I had grasped God by the beard - so much I liked everything that I expounded. But then he cooled down a little to his work. For a while, I made significant efforts to improve my work. But, no matter how sophisticated I was, it did not suit me. I began to look for excuses, saying to myself: "It does not happen that every chapter succeeds equally well", "It's not so bad, I'm just too self-critical." Somehow I finished the chapter and tried to convince myself that I was pleased with it.
Then he asked his wife, Bonnie, to read his opus. I acted as if the chapter was well written and expected my wife to like it too. Subsequently, returning to this point, I realized that I was hoping that Bonnie would like the chapter and I could move on. I was so eager for her approval that I thought of what I had written better than it deserved. When the wife read the chapter, she noted in delicate terms the ambiguity and confusion of the text. I felt the same latently, but I didn't want Bonnie to voice it. I remember how upset I was after her words. I did not expect any negative reaction and criticism from my wife.
She wasn’t too picky and didn’t do anything wrong. Her expressions were very streamlined. But I made her the scapegoat. Even if she said that she liked the chapter, I would feel that my wife is not sincere.
I didn’t like what I wrote, but it was my wife that I condemned. This is a clear example of how relationships depend on self-love. If I really liked the chapter and my wife didn't, her assessment would not have seemed so terrible to me. Part of me wanted Bonnie to make up for the lack of my own love for myself.
Before I realized this, I lost my temper. Because of her answer, I was fuming all day. True, we found some other reason for the deterioration of my mood, but the fuss broke out precisely because of the negative reaction of my wife. In general, according to my observations, in five-minute marital skirmishes, most of the time is spent arguing about the manner of arguing. The spouses say something like: “You are not listening to me” or “You are running into me”. Then, to defend their position, they bring up God's long list of past conflicts. Although we talked about finances that evening, the underlying reason for the disagreement was that I didn't love myself.
In a five-minute marital skirmish, most of the time is spent arguing about the manner of arguing.
That evening I went with a friend to see an adventure movie. I love this kind of movie, and the tape completely absorbed my attention. After seeing the painting, I felt great. At home, I had no difficulty in apologizing to Bonnie, and again I felt very much in love with her. The next day, I re-read the ill-fated chapter, quickly corrected something in it. I liked what I wrote. The obstacles to my literary expression have been overcome.
Subsequently, I tried to figure out what happened. So, I met an obstacle. I didn't like what I wrote and couldn't make the chapter better. I didn’t like the fact that my wife didn’t like what I wrote, and then we had an argument. Then I went to the cinema and felt better. It was then that I realized that I have different emotional needs. I need the love of my wife, love for myself, and I also need to spend time with friends.
On that day, I did not feel Bonnie's love and care and could not be grateful to her because I needed a different kind of love. I was not able to get one iota forward in the work on the book - I simply lacked self-love. Finally, I didn't like anything I wrote. When I went to the cinema with a friend, I felt relieved.
To feel better at work and in relationships, I had to step back and fill one of the other reservoirs (I need to spend some time with friends and have fun). On the way to the cinema, I somewhat relieved my heart in front of my friend - also married - who felt the same as me. And he received the support of a like-minded person. As a result of filling these two tanks, I felt better and was able to look at the situation differently, with great optimism. By switching to the satisfaction of my other needs, I was able to return again to my true loving self.
I soon tested the concept of needing different kinds of love on my clients and it worked. If the spouses are unhappy with each other, in most cases, I advise them not to demand more from their partner, but to try to get love and support of a different kind. Claiming spouses should do something to fill their other reservoirs of love. And then focus on improving the relationship.
If you feel an inner emptiness and condemn your partner, it is difficult for you to purposefully learn the ability to love him (her) the way he (she) needs. I realized that this idea applies to achieving success in all areas of my life. By learning to keep all the reservoirs of love full, I was able to maintain the confidence and optimism that not only made me happier, but also enabled me to accomplish (and surpass) everything I set out to do in business.

Chapter 6. Ten Stages

LOVE TANKS are arranged in a specific order. Each of them is formed during the period from conception to maturity. At certain stages, for the development of all our talents and abilities, we need mainly one of the types of love. Having received at each of the stages the kind of love that we need, we thereby lay a solid foundation for receiving the next kind of love.
As we move to the next stage, ideally, we need to keep the previous reservoirs of love filled as well. If they are not full, then in order to maintain a connection with our true “I”, we need to go back after filling the next container and fill other containers.
If during the period of passing through certain age periods we do not receive the love that we need, then as a result we cannot cognize and develop some aspects of our personality. We will never comprehend them later - even if we go back and get that particular kind of love that we lacked.
For example, if children do not receive the love, understanding and attention they need, they may not fully realize who they really are. They don't realize how unique they are, and as a result, they don't feel very attractive in the eyes of others. If life questions their significance, they will lose contact with their natural state of inner love, joy, peace, and confidence. Life will hold them back in a variety of ways - until they learn to fill the empty (or half-empty) reservoir they inherited from the past.
In order to become who we are and not lose contact with our true self, certain vitamins of love should be obtained at different times.

Ten time periods

Time period - Vitamin of love - A necessary kind of love
1. From conception to birth - Vitamin B 1 - God's love
2. From birth to seven years old - Vitamin R - Parental love
3. Seven to Fourteen - Vitamin D - Household, Friends and Leisure
4. Fourteen to twenty one - Vitamin E - Like-minded people
5. Twenty-one to twenty-eight - Vitamin S - Self-love
6. Twenty-eight to thirty-five - Vitamin V - Intimate relationships and romantic relationships
7. From thirty-five to forty-two - Vitamin Z - Love for those who depend on us
8. Forty-two to forty-nine - Vitamin O - Rewarding the social environment
9. Forty-nine to fifty-six - Vitamin M - Retribution to the world
10. From fifty-six onwards - Vitamin B 2 - Serving God

Until reaching full maturity (at 56 years old), it is important for us to receive vitamins of love for our growth, corresponding to a certain period of life. If we don't get the kind of love we need, it hurts us in one way or another. Passing through certain stages of development, we will in one way or another miss something.
It's a bit like wanting to learn to read without knowing the alphabet. Or trying to drive a car without knowing how to ride a bicycle. Or the desire to run your own business without really learning how to read and count. While you can steer, you always have to put in extra effort to do so. Likewise, each love vitamin becomes the basis for the next. Getting each vitamin of love helps us stay connected to all parts of who we are.
The dissatisfaction we feel as we grow up is not solely due to the needs of the age we are in. It is usually caused by a lack of the required filler in other tanks. If friction arises between spouses, the root cause of this is often their self-dislike. After experiencing a similar situation in my marriage, I came up with the idea of ​​different reservoirs of love. Although it seems obvious to you after reading about the ten kinds of love, I have never seen such a clear expression of this idea before.
In fact, the concept of ten containers of love and different time periods of personality development follows simply from common sense. All parents find that as their children approach the age of seven, they become more independent and begin to look for support and friendship from other people, relying less on their parents. That is why younger students are so different from preschoolers.
Naturally, the next significant changes in a person's life occur when they reach puberty, and then at about twenty-one, when they begin to consider us adults. At this time, many leave home to find themselves and feel their independence. Each of these stages is well known to us. But we are not so familiar with the subsequent ones. People believe that at twenty-one their development is completed, although this is far from the truth. At the same frequency - every seven years - we go through important stages of growing up. Each of them corresponds to a different reservoir of love.
We become more and more spiritually mature until we reach the age of fifty-six (and this is not the limit). If you have learned to keep all your love receptacles full, then at fifty-six you will have full access to your inner potential. That is, you will learn everything about who you are and what you are capable of. For the rest of your life, you can exercise your potential to serve God and humanity. All life is a process of growth and development. When you stop growing, you start dying.
The ripening process does not stop at twenty-one, but continues throughout life.
As a counselor psychologist, I have noticed that at the age of twenty-eight (or so), there are significant changes in the mental world of my clients and friends. They seem to be crying out: “I cannot live someone else's life. I need to find myself, be myself. " Thanks to the level of development reached by this age, most people have already formed their own image. Now they are beginning to take relationships with loved ones more seriously and more responsibly. If at this stage you do not find time to be yourself, it will be impossible to move on. People are tempted to step back and feel free again.
A person who marries early at the age of twenty-eight often encounters great difficulties. Statistics show that most of the divorces occur precisely at this life milestone. Having abandoned themselves in order to maintain relationships with loved ones, many suddenly find that they cannot give their partner what he expects from marriage.
As we enter the stage of close relationships (from twenty-eight to thirty-five), the question naturally arises whether we are ready for them. If you missed something because you didn't take the time to be yourself, then you will not be able to keep in touch with your inner guide. Meanwhile, if this contact is absent, it is very difficult to know what to do. It is even more difficult to move forward, maintain normal relationships, and pursue a career when other reservoirs of love are empty.

Step back to move forward

So, there is a reason to step back and then move forward. In life, you can find a lot of examples of this. Many people after sixty or seventy have vivid childhood memories of their own accord. Grandparents always like to talk about the past. And this is very cool. To stay alert and healthy, they unconsciously turn to the past, and from such memories it becomes easier for them.
If the wounds of their childhood and adolescence have not yet healed, and the corresponding reservoirs are half-empty, they simply cannot move forward without healing their past. Their bodies ache because the receptacles of love are not filled. Some of them even lose their short-term memory, remembering only the distant past. They are unable not only to move forward, but also to find themselves in the present.
If a person is sick and does not get better, it means that the love that he needs is not available to him.
If the vehicle is not filled with petrol or oil, it will stop. Similarly, when the reservoirs are empty, a person cannot perceive the vital force that is directed inside him (as happens when we love and feel that we are loved). In many cases, old people begin to behave like children or - for example, due to illness - they lose independence and become dependent on others, like children.

Fifty Six: Pre-retirement Crisis

In the moments of transition from one period of life to another, we, to a certain extent, feel the emptiness of our other reservoirs. Therefore, we have a strong desire to go back. If at this moment we do not do anything to alleviate the situation, then we will continue to struggle with difficulties, not realizing what we really lack.
Let's first take a look at what happens to the ten reservoirs of love around the age of fifty-six. Many men just can't wait to retire. They strive to finally get the opportunity to do what they have always wanted - to relax and have free time. They want to do what they denied themselves, being the breadwinners of the family. And instead of moving forward, they step back. They should start serving God, but they feel the need to serve themselves. When they finally get bored of a new life, they suddenly fade away.
Insurance companies say men are more likely to die once they retire. If a man continues to work, then he lives much longer. The secret to male longevity is to keep working, but have enough leisure and love. Men often continue to work because they love their job. In this case, we can say that in their life the upper level of filling of most of the reservoirs of love is maintained. If you love your job, it indicates that you have established good contact with your inner self.
A man needs to continue to feel needed and to be responsible for others. Otherwise, he will lose vital energy and the meaning of existence.
Women are less likely to die at fifty-six, but they can degrade too. If women are not ready to move on, they become stubborn and stubborn. Rather than reflecting on lifelong experiences in their leisure time and making the world a little better, they can take a big step back. They don't need to ignore the opinions of others, like that teenager who says: “I want to do what I want, and I don't care what you think about it. I know everything I need to know. " Too much independence can make a woman intolerant of objections. To maintain her health, a woman needs to feel that she is not alone and can rely on others.
A woman needs to feel that she is not alone and can rely on others; excessive independence only harms her.
If your love reservoirs are full at fifty-six, then you are ready to move forward. You begin to experience incredible joy because you are free to do what you should be doing in this world. You are taken care of, you are needed. There is no point in getting sick with such a feeling. You remain healthy and die only when you are ready for it after many years of joyful, loving service to God and the world.
In each of the major transitional moments in life, it is important to listen to your heart and act in such a way as to fill the inner emptiness. If at such a time we do not do something to alleviate the situation, we will continue to struggle with difficulties, not understanding what we really need.

Empty Nest Crisis: Forty-Nine to Fifty-six

The next commonly discussed crisis is the empty nest crisis. Around the age of forty-nine, many spouses, as well as single parents, experience the futility of life. When they are faced with the task of repaying their debts to the world, they suddenly feel an inner emptiness. They have little to give and feel that they themselves are losing from it. Spouses often blame their life partner for their misfortune. Because children have left home or become independent, parents feel frustrated to the extent that the vacuum in family relationships is not filled. The nest is empty. There is no one in the house. What's next?
For both spouses and single parents, this situation can be the beginning of gaining more freedom to fully enjoy life, or it can become a source of problems. At the age of 45–65, we learn to get what we need either from relationships with other people (not close ones), or we begin to blame our half for not giving us enough. At this time, there is no need to be offended by your partner (or lack thereof). You need to rise to the feeling of universal love and generously give it to others. This is the time to help the world become a better place.
If we are not prepared for this period, we will feel overwhelmed by the fact that we are missing something important in life. Without knowing how to fill our reservoirs of love, it becomes more and more difficult for us to move forward. Although doctors are constantly looking for a way to prolong life, the recipe is nearby and very simple. Keep your reservoirs of love full and you will remain spiritually and physically youthful.
The secret to eternal youth is to keep your love reservoirs full.
At this time, we begin to realize that we are not eternal, and we want to prolong youth. In fact, this is a positive trend. If earlier we neglected to fill all reservoirs of love, it manifests itself especially strongly. We can be completely cut off from the energy that we felt in childhood, adolescence and youth.
To feel younger, men turn to young women, and women resort to all sorts of tricks to throw off a decade. If we don't find a way to stay young, it becomes our new problem. Again, being self-centered can let us miss the opportunity to grow. At this time, we must be ready to help the world. Ideally, this should be the moment when we have satisfied all our inner needs.
If you have prepared properly, your greatest joy at this stage will be to participate in the work of transforming the Earth into a place suitable for intelligent beings. It's not bad if you decide to go on a journey around the world in which you share your inner light and love with other people. During this time, you will be able to meet representatives of other societies and cultures, to go beyond your social environment. It is very joyful to see people who, at the age of fifty or sixty, took the time to see the light.

Midlife crisis: forty-two to forty-nine

Another well-known tipping point is the midlife crisis. It usually happens at forty-two. Often during these years, people begin to feel the emptyness of their past life. Naturally, the parachutist, before jumping out of the plane, seeks to repeatedly check his parachute. Likewise, a person, before he feels that he can benefit society, must feel inner fullness. You cannot build a house without a foundation. If your bank account is nearly empty, you won't be able to donate anything to your local church community.
When the time comes to take the next step, and you experience an internal vacuum, you step back in search of what you did not receive. A man may suddenly feel free to sell his business and go to conquer mountain peaks. Or, if he's married, get carried away by another woman. If he was conservative in life, it may be that he would dream of buying a car of the latest make or buying something that he dreamed of, but never got in his youth or youth. He re-evaluates his life and sets new priorities. Quite often, men want to relieve themselves of responsibilities that make them feel old. The real reason for feeling the burden of years is that the old reservoirs of love have ceased to fill.
If we are not ready to step forward in due time, then we want to step back.
Those periods of the past in which a man, in his opinion, sacrificed himself or did not receive what he needed, lead to an increase in his dissatisfaction. To advance in his development, he needs to get what he needs, without creating chaos in his life and without causing harm to those whom he loves. Love reservoirs can be filled without ruining your life.
To advance in his development, a man needs to get what he needs without creating chaos in his life and without harming those he loves.
About forty-two women can also be unhappy with their lives and often complain that they did not get what they wanted. One day they wake up with a long list of what they have given and what they have not received in return in their head. They feel resentful and devastated. If a woman is unaware of the reservoirs of love, she will tend to curse the current life instead of going back and healing her past. She moves away from love and often decides to devote herself to society, but at the same time she is mortally offended by him. More than before, she aggravates her situation when she feels guilty for taking offense at her life.
Of course, these experiences can arise at any time, but more often the past gapes with emptiness precisely at these transitional moments. If we treat him without due respect and do nothing to heal him by filling the old reservoirs of love, we will not receive the grace of merging with our inner source of love and fullness. Without this inner contact, life will never live up to our hopes and expectations.

Hidden crisis: thirty-five to forty-two

Although a person goes through another crisis at the age of thirty-five, no one talks about it. Thirty-five years is a time to give your unconditional love to those who depend on us. Children (and then grandchildren) are ideal for the role of wards, but pets are also good at “coping with this duty”. Around this time, the human spirit is looking for the opportunity to unconditionally give itself to those who need us and who depend on us.
Giving ourselves to children is exactly the kind of love we need. The ideal parent-child relationship is that of unconditional love. The child does not owe anything to the parent. Some unknowingly insult their children, telling them that they owe them something. They say something like, "After everything I've done for you, you should feel obligated to me." It is not right. However, when parents are not ready for this stage in their lives, this happens.
Some parents unknowingly abuse their children, telling them that they owe them something.
The child rewards the father and mother who are ready for their destination a hundredfold, namely: it gives them the opportunity to fully express their parental feelings. It is a great happiness to love someone so much that by giving love, we seem to be rewarding ourselves. Only by idolizing children, parents continue to improve. The problem with many fathers and mothers is that they have children before they learn to gift themselves.
When married couples have children without being ready for this, then about 35 begin to feel guilty for all those cases when they were not happy with their fatherhood or motherhood. They will regret not being able to give their children what they deserve. Or they will resent the fact that they gave a lot, and their children do not give anything in return.
If our souls are not filled, we cannot surrender our love unconditionally.
It's a silent disaster because people don't want to talk about the resentment they feel about having children. They love their children and, in spite of everything, love to give themselves to them. But they have, in fact, failed in life. To protect themselves from it, parents must learn to fill their souls with love in advance.
At this stage, people who do not have children or dependents they love and care for as their own children will feel like they are missing out on something important in life. Instead of going forward along the path of overcoming life's difficulties, they chose to retreat to just do what they wanted, and not give themselves to another person. Most likely, they will never know why nothing in life makes them happy.
Sometimes spending time with your nieces or nephews is not enough to know your true self. Real responsibility is needed. Anyone who owns a dog knows the responsibilities that this imposes on its owner. The dog should be fed and walked regularly. She may get sick and you will have to look after her. This, like motherhood (fatherhood), requires sacrifice. But it's worth it. If your lifestyle does not allow you to have an animal, then bothering about a plant or a garden can also become a manifestation of your instinct for caring.
If you don't have children at 35, sometimes spending time with your nieces or nephews isn't enough.
Another aspect of the latent crisis is the frequency of marital sex. Often it is at this age that a man shows less interest in sexuality, and a woman, on the contrary, wants more physical intimacy. This is especially true for those who got married in their twenties. If for many years a wife wants more sex from her husband than he gives, then in the end the husband simply begins to move away from her. Very often, a woman's sexual desires increase as her biological readiness to become a mother progresses.
Around the age of thirty-seven, it is not men who complain about the lack of sex, but women.
In my seminars on marital relationships, I certainly talk about how a man gradually loses interest in sex with his partner if she is constantly unhappy with him. During a break or at the end, when I sign books, women always come up to me and secretly (so as not to embarrass their husbands) report that they are experiencing sexual dissatisfaction. They want sex, but husbands are not interested in them. When I ask them about their age, they almost always turn out to be thirty-seven.
When the time comes for women to give more and they are full of feelings, their companions leave them in a certain sense (for example, going to play golf). This happens if the needs of men - spiritual and physiological - are not understood. In the latter case, they often return to their previous requests and try to satisfy them. The logic here is this: rather than trying to enter into intimacy and hear that they are unhappy with you, it is better to play the ball.

Identity Crisis: Twenty-Eight to Thirty-Five

"Who am I? What do I really need to do? " - these questions are ideal for those who are in their twenties. If we don’t bother to find and love ourselves before we move to the next age category (twenty-eight), we will feel the need to do it later.
At the age of 28 to 32, there is often a desire to get a divorce, to avoid communication. Many single women in their thirties wonder why they still haven't found their partner. According to the theory of reservoirs of love, the whole point is that after twenty they did not find themselves. They don't do what they really want to do. On the one hand, they enter into intimate relationships and lose themselves. In other cases, they want to prove that they are equal to men in everything. But they do it in such a way that they cannot be themselves (really themselves) in their desires.
After twenty, it is time for research and experimentation. If you miss the opportunity at this age to be yourself, showing your desires and aspirations, it makes no sense to expect that later we will be completely satisfied with life.
If we lose touch with our inner self, if we do not love ourselves, it is difficult for someone to meet our needs. If we feel that we are not good enough, then - just as we make excessive demands on ourselves - we are demanding on others. However, no partner will work for us if we do not love ourselves. A woman can refrain from entering into a relationship with a man if he is not considered by her as a suitable example for marriage, and he, in turn, is inclined to retire when it comes time to propose.
Find the right partner
When women become too picky about men, they stop appreciating what they can get and start wanting what they cannot get. If they strive to get married, they start looking for a future husband, and not for pleasant and interesting dates. They don't want to marry just anyone. It seems to them that whoever they marry must have extraordinary potential. They don't want to waste time meeting with the “wrong”.
Actually, this is the correct idea, but one very important detail is missing here. A woman needs to be careful not to get seriously carried away by the wrong person. At the same time, she needs to date many men. If a man is interested in you and is not completely indifferent to you, you should start spending time with him, even if he is clearly not suitable for husbands.
It is difficult for a woman who does not have a strong sense of her self to date many men. Only one is needed, or she won't be dating anyone. However, this is an extreme. There should be many men in a woman's life, then among them there will be the one she is looking for. You should always have a man with whom relationships are gradually fading away, a man with whom they are more or less regular, and someone with whom relationships are just starting. Let them know that you are paying attention to many men, and if that creates a problem then ... NEXT!
Heal past wounds
When people reach the age of twenty-eight, they tend to experience emotional turmoil - especially if they have ignored their feelings in the past. Physical maturity comes at twenty-one, and emotional maturity at twenty-eight. If the work has not been completed with the rejected emotions of the past, they will begin to return to us again. As our souls mature for intimate relationships, we begin to become more aware of what is happening in our souls.
Often a mixture of different emotions comes out, everything that has not been resolved in the past. We begin to question everything we have learned from others. Now it's time to live your life, under your inner guidance. Of course, others can help with travel and provide directions. But now we ourselves need to feel in our hearts that this is the true path, the path for us. What is good for one may not be quite what is needed for another.
If in adolescence and youth we were wounded, then before moving on, these wounds need to be healed. Before we feel safe, we can open our hearts to someone, we establish spiritual closeness, we need to gain confidence that we will not be hurt again. If we feel pain in our unhealed hearts, we will continue to be afraid. Because of this fear, women tend to be overly critical and intimidated by intimacy. This will not deter a man from entering into an intimate relationship, but it will make him refuse to propose.
Until we have healed past heart wounds, it is difficult for us to move towards thirty, to find our half. We tend to devote too much time to careers and other activities, avoiding too close relationships. Here's the secret to dealing with it: Make dates, but avoid getting too close until you heal your past. In the chapters that follow, we will look at how to heal past wounds.

End of free trial snippet.

How to get what you want and love what you have

Introduction

Life is arranged in such a way that it is easier to get what you want than to keep the desire to enjoy what you have acquired. Many people have learned to get what they want. But the acquired ceases to satisfy them. No matter how many benefits they have, everything is not enough for them; they are gnawed by the feeling that something else is missing. They are dissatisfied with themselves, relatives, health, work. There is always something that makes them restless.
At the other end of the psychological scale are those who do not know how to get more than they have, but are still much more satisfied with themselves, their work and their well-being. Their hearts are open to life, but their dreams have not yet come true. They got the most out of their life situation, but they wonder why others have more. Most people are intermediate in relation to these extremes.
“Personal success” is the central place, being in which you find what you want and do not lose interest in it. Personal success does not depend on who you have become, what you have and what you have achieved, but on how good you are with yourself and with what you do and have. Personal success is entirely in your power. One should only clearly understand what it is and strive to acquire it.
“Personal success” is nothing more than getting what you want without losing interest in it.
However, personal success is not limited to feelings of contentment or happiness. It brings a sense of confidence that you can get what you want and encourages you to act in the right direction. Personal success requires you to have a clear understanding of how to make life the way you want it to be. For some, personal success is learning how to get more; for others, understanding how to become happier. Many people need to learn how to embody both of these important aspects.
To achieve personal success, you don't have to rely on chance, fate, luck, or luck. Some people have an innate tendency to achieve personal success, but most require prior education and training. Fortunately, you can learn how to achieve personal success. You may be much closer to him than you think. For life to find the fullness it desires, most of you only need to make small (but important) changes in thinking, thinking, and acting.
Small but important changes in the way you think can open the door to greater personal success.
By putting into practice one or two new ideas, you can literally transform your life in one evening. Although the circumstances will temporarily remain the same as before, your new perspective on the situation will make it possible to instantly change everything. If you are dazzled by the tinsel of life, curtained windows will allow you to relax and see the world as it is again. Likewise, making certain preparations you make will not only help you live happily with what you have, but will also give you the confidence that you are on the path to getting what you want.

Four Steps to Personal Success

There are four steps to achieving greater success in life. This book discusses them in great detail.
Step one: set a goal for yourself. See where you are now and be clear about where you need to be in order to achieve the desired balance between internal and external success. No matter how hard you work, if you are moving in the wrong direction, you will meet only obstacles in life and never fulfill your dreams. By acting not just in accordance with the desires of the mind, heart and feelings, but in harmony with the aspirations of the soul, you will lay the foundation for both internal and external success.
Step two: get what you need. Learn to get what you need to ”be truly yourself. It is not enough to simply say, "I want to be myself." To know yourself and truly be yourself, you need to learn about the ten kinds of love and care that everyone needs. By realizing what you are missing, and realizing how to find it, you will automatically begin to approach inner success. Your car may be fine, but you won't go anywhere if you haven't filled your tank with gas. Likewise, you cannot find your true self if your need for love is not satisfied.
Step three: get what you want. Learn the secret of achieving external success (without losing your true self) - and you will begin to receive everything you want from the outside world. Realize the importance of strong desires, confidence, and aspiration to attract what you want. Learn to empower your desires by identifying and transforming negative feelings and emotions.
Step four: eliminate the obstacles to personal success. Learn about the twelve types of obstacles that keep you from getting what you want, and begin to clear the path that leads to both inner and outer success. Learn to remove each of the potential obstacles: reproach, depression, anxiety, indifference, bias, indecision, slowness, nagging, resentment, self-pity, confusion, and guilt. Having gained the ability to get rid of all this, you realize that nothing external can interfere with you.

Deborah finds a husband

When Deborah began to study the method of achieving personal success, she fought for external success and was already desperate to get married. By shifting her attention to finding inner peace and harmony, she was able to relax. This change made her realize that she was not being cared for. Previously, she did not allow herself to relax and do what she wanted. Now she felt better, and as a result, she gained the ability to create what she wanted and to attract him to herself.
Deborah not only found a wonderful job, but also met the man of her dreams, whom she married. To start a new stage in life and start a family, she had to remove three obstacles to personal success. When in the past she had to decide on something, she was lost, was constrained and indecisive. Having got rid of internal obstacles, Deborah again wanted to meet a man who would love her. After taking four steps to personal success, she made her dreams a reality.

Tom opens a bakery

Tom always wanted to have his own bakery, but it turned out that he worked at a television station. He did not like the job, and he often condemned those with whom he worked, and took offense at them. Tom's first step towards personal success was to strive to be happy no matter what the circumstances. He began to practice meditation. As a result, I gained a sense of inner harmony.
Work was no longer the main source of his dissatisfaction. Having received the necessary support in meditation, he began to imagine what he would like. Tom began to constantly receive something. His life was filled with small miracles. He wanted to go on a business trip and was sent abroad. He wanted praise and recognition - and he got it. His confidence that he can create and attract what he wants has increased.
This confidence gave him freedom, and he followed his dream: he quit his job and opened a bakery. To make this change in his life, he had to free himself from some internal obstacles. In his previous job, Tom often took offense and condemned people. As mental barriers fell, he got rid of slowness and indecision. Over time, this allowed him to open his own business (now very successful).

Robert finds a common language with children

When Robert began to put into practice the principles of personal success, he was already a multimillionaire. He achieved outward success, but at the same time he did not feel happy at all. He got divorced three times and could not find a common language with his children. He had everything except the understanding of those close to him. None of his assistants and ex-wives had any idea how unhappy he was. People who don't have a lot of money cannot imagine that they can grieve with a million dollars. However, this happens all the time.
In search of happiness, Robert learned to live in harmony with himself. He wanted a person to appear in his life, whom he could make happy with his enormous wealth. But first he had to learn to enjoy himself. Before, in order to feel spiritual comfort, he needed a beautiful woman next to him. Over the course of a year, Robert learned to be happy without her. He gave himself a break and went to travel alone.
Realizing that he could be internally happy, Robert began to improve his relationship with the children. He gave love, and he was reciprocated. Every day the dependence of the millionaire on external success diminished. He was glad of external achievements, but he understood why they did not allow him to find true peace and happiness.
To win the trust of children and share his life with someone, Robert had to overcome many obstacles. He had to get rid of his tendency to reproach, from indifference to his ex-wives and understand why the children were offended by him. By breaking down these barriers, he established relationships with children and found peace and joy.

Overcoming difficulties

After achieving personal success, life no longer seems like a continuous struggle; what was difficult will become easier. Of course, there will be problems in life, but you will be able to solve them more successfully. Doors that previously seemed to be locked will begin to open. You will finally be free, you will feel the opportunity to be yourself and do what you should be doing here and now. You will feel more ready for the exams of life. Inevitable trials will turn into a chance for you to become stronger.
No matter how your spiritual greatness is now manifested, the bright light of your true self will shine, illuminating your path. With the dawn of inner light, your wanderings in darkness will end. You will not only clearly feel what you need to do in this world, but you will also realize that you are not alone in it. The truth that you are loved and cared for will become a living, tangible sensation.
With the dawn of the inner light of love, your wanderings in darkness end.
You should not think of personal success as a conflict-free state granted to you, in which there is no place for disappointment and confusion. The art of achieving personal success is to a large extent the ability to transform negative emotions into positive feelings, to perceive negative experiences as a lesson learned. To truly become yourself, you need to bypass the growth process, which is impossible without changes, ups and downs. You can be considered personal success if you know exactly how to get up after a fall.
The one who dared to be himself and follow the dictates of his heart, sometimes traps lie in wait. Mistakes, obstacles and overcoming them are part of life, important components of our learning and growth.
The main difference between people who have achieved success and those who have failed is knowing how to get up if they fall.
For each person, personal success will be his own, different from someone else's. Some people like to ride a roller coaster. Others prefer the slow rotation of the Ferris wheel and the majestic views that open from it. Some people just walk around, glad that no one bothers them. Naturally, everyone has their own unique way of moving through life. In any case, it will have ups and downs, peaks and valleys, accelerations and decelerations.
As you find personal success, you will continue to experience negative emotions. Ultimately, however, they will lift you to an ever higher crest of joy, love, confidence, and peace. By learning how to deal with negative experiences, you will realize how important they are and give up the dream of living a life without them. Well, if you want to avoid negative and positive emotions forever, rest peacefully in the cemetery.
Life is motion. The secret of personal success is to learn to feel peace, joy, love and confidence in yourself, not to lose contact with your inner world. The one who knows how to make a dream a reality has fewer reasons for anxiety, he accepts life as a process and understands that it takes a certain amount of time to get anything. If your heart is open and you truly are yourself, you will surely be able to appreciate and fully enjoy every step of your unique journey. The expectation of being perfect in life fades away as you find that what you create in life (and what you attract to yourself) is the best you can do.
The key to the future is in your hands. You, and only you, are able to create your tomorrow. With this new perspective, you will be able to find answers to any questions regarding personal success. New perspectives will open before you that will help you make your life meaningful. You will gain undeniable knowledge of how to achieve your cherished goal. These four steps provide you with a practical and spiritual roadmap to help you build your life the way you want to live it.

Chapter 1. Money Can't Buy Happiness

A FEW PEOPLE have gained a lot in life, but at the same time they have lost their peace. The world is full of unfortunate millionaires who are unlucky in love. Yet they and those who look up to them continue to think that by making more money - or by acquiring more “something” - they can find peace of mind.
We have all heard that money cannot buy love and happiness. Despite the popularity of this statement, it is very easy to become entangled in the web of illusory notions that external success brings happiness. The more we think of money as a means of becoming happy, the less able we are to be happy without it.
Perhaps some of you, after reading the previous paragraph, thought: “Yes, I know that money cannot bring real happiness, but it certainly helps to find it.” While this phrase sounds reasonable, it is important to understand that this is a false way of thinking that is robbing you of your strength. To change the direction of your life and gain confidence in your personal success, you need to understand that money does not bring happiness. The idea that money makes you, or someone else, happy is an illusion.

The nature of illusion

Let's dwell on the nature of illusion. Every day you see the sun making its way across the firmament. But at the same time, you know that the sun is not really moving. Although your senses indicate movement, your mind knows that it is not. Although it seems to you that you are motionless, you know that the Earth rotates on its axis. Your mind understands that the movement of the sun is an illusion; you are actually moving.
To understand this illusion, abstract thinking is required, which is absent in a small child. The school teacher notices how, as students develop, abstract thinking comes to replace their concrete thinking. In most cases, these changes happen instantly. The student did not understand algebraic equations at all, but suddenly (when his mind matured) everything became clear to him. If the mind is not ready, no amount of explanation will help the student understand the mentor.
To understand or recognize an illusion, the brain must reach a certain level of development.
The transition from concrete thinking (the world is what we see) to abstract (ideas are real too) usually occurs during puberty. At the age of twelve or thirteen, the brain is sufficiently developed to accept ideas that seem obvious to adults. Just as a child develops, the cognitive capabilities of all mankind grow. Ideas that once perplexed the greatest minds of the past are now accepted by fourteen-year-old schoolchildren.

The formation of common sense

Just five hundred years ago, everyone thought the Earth was flat and the Sun moved across the sky. For the time being, people could not recognize this simple illusion. Their minds were not ready to accept the abstract concepts necessary to recognize that the Earth is moving and the Sun is stationary. When Copernicus described this phenomenon in 1543, many did not want to change their beliefs. The church decided that the scientist was a threat to her, and he spent the rest of his life under house arrest.
After a relatively short time, Copernicus's discovery was recognized. Humanity has made a leap in its development. What most people could not even imagine has become a fact. Today humanity is participating in another leap - moving towards understanding the secrets of personal success. It approached this level of development thanks to the great teachings and religions. As we move forward, these important traditions will remain a solid foundation (just as the student of algebra relies on the mathematical foundations of “concrete thinking”).
In our historical time, many illusions have been debunked - in particular, illusions about the relationship between a man and a woman. People always ask me: “Why did no one write“ Men from Mars, Women from Venus ”before you? After all, everything is so obvious. It seems like it's just commonplace. ”

An idea for which the time has come

The simple answer to this question is: it's an idea whose time has come. Fifty or even twenty years ago, it was not that popular. When I started teaching the Men from Mars, Women from Venus system in the early eighties, some people literally amazed me at how misunderstood my words were. They were not able to realize the fact that men and women are simply different, but this does not mean that one of them is worse than the other. They believed that if a man and a woman are different, then one of them must be better. And since I am a man, it seemed to people that I was claiming that men are better than women. Gradually, over fifteen years, the ideas reflected in the book "Men from Mars, Women from Venus" became generally accepted not only in America, but throughout the world. These changes in understanding are global.
What is obvious to one generation was a revelation to the previous one. Fifteen years ago, feminists argued that we are all equal, because we are the same - women are no different from men. To achieve equality, women sought to prove that they were the same as men. In the end, society abandoned the notion that one sex is better than the other. Now it is clear to everyone that men and women are different from each other, but now we also understand that being different does not mean being better than others.
What is obvious to one generation has always been a revelation to the previous one.
We are on the verge of recognizing gender equality and reject the erroneous assumption that one sex can be inherently better than the other. We are gradually awakening to be ready to eliminate racial discrimination. Likewise, more and more people are recognizing the value of all religious teachings. It becomes apparent that God does not differentiate between religions. The grace of God is available to everyone, whether you are an agnostic, atheist, Christian, Jew, Hindu, Muslim, or anyone else. God loves everyone regardless of their beliefs. As the world becomes more and more compact, we get the opportunity to see with our own eyes the high moral qualities of people professing different religions. The recognition that these qualities are inherent in everyone, regardless of religion, frees many people from the narrow boundaries of their past beliefs.
People are beginning to take it for granted that all major religions teach truth while remaining distinct from each other. And thank God - after all, millions of lives were ruined because people did not realize: spiritual messages may be different, but they say the same thing. As we enter the new millennium, it becomes obvious again that “there are many ways, but they all lead to the same place”. The illusion misled us: it seemed to us that for all people there is only one way, one type of higher person, one higher teaching or one higher religion. After we have seen wisdom in all religions, the truth of our own path becomes more and more obvious to us.

A new door is opening

All these changes in conventional wisdom open a new door for humanity. Now we can debunk other illusions: the idea that our sense of self depends on the outside world; that outward success can make us happy.
While it may seem that the outside world is responsible for how we feel, the entire responsibility for this lies with ourselves. When the outside world gives us what we wanted and “makes us happy,” happiness immediately vanishes as we continue to think we need to get something else to be happy. If we believe that we are dependent on the outside world, our connection with the inner being weakens. Happiness is overwhelmed by the belief that it is impossible without additional acquisitions. Conversely, the belief that happiness does not depend on external circumstances (and constant confirmation of this) prolongs our joy. Let me try to explain this using the example of money.
The joy will be endless if we make sure that our happiness does not depend on external circumstances.
It is not money that makes us happy, but inner faith, feeling and desire. Having received more money, we become happy, because we believe that now we can be ourselves. It’s not money that makes us happy, but the ability to become ourselves. For a short period of time, we gain confidence: "Now I am free to be myself and do what I want."
This kind of faith makes us dependent on money. In fact, regardless of wealth, we have always had inner freedom. From this moment on, you have the strength to look into yourself and feel your inner goodness and greatness. To begin to feel the truth of this important statement, you just need to learn a few things and practice a little.
From this moment on, you have the strength to look into yourself and feel your inner goodness and greatness.
Money makes us happy because we believe that it allows us to be who we want to be, do what we want, have what we want, and experience what we want. We lack the ability to feel that we are already full of happiness, love, peace and confidence.
However, this sensation is available to everyone. In the past, very few achieved this level of understanding. Now it is available to everyone who has taken at least a few steps in a new direction. What used to be the lot of the few who left the vanity of life for the sake of gaining inner peace, can now be acquired by anyone.
When Jim came for a consultation, he was depressed. He was forty-two years old, and he was unhappy with the course of his life. Seeing people passing by him in expensive cars, he envied them, felt himself to some extent a failure. He didn't live up to their standard, he wasn't good enough for him.
He resented that others have more than him. After all, he did everything right: he finished school, worked hard and went to church. Why didn't he get these funny toys? Why was he cheated? Jim took offense at the rich and condemned them, while feeling sorry for himself.
After attending a personal success class, his attitude towards money changed. He realized that he had never really given them the proper attention and therefore never got rich. Although Jim wanted more money, he realized that he was living well and without frills. And he also became convinced that, by condemning money and wealth, he punished himself.
His next task was the desire to desire more, remaining the happy owner of what little he had. Seeing expensive cars, he said: "Such cars are for me." As he got rid of envy, overcame a negative attitude towards money, he allowed himself to have more. Jim forgave himself previous failures and mistakes, believing that they went to him for the future.
He realized that he could not only receive more, but also feel satisfaction from what he had. And he clearly realized that for happiness he does not need to have material goods. Having got rid of his attachment to money, he began to receive more. Jim has learned the secret to finding what he wants. He learned to want more by being content with what he has.
What was previously available to only a few, who left the vanity of life in order to gain inner peace, can now be acquired by all.
When I began teaching the principles of personal success to others over twenty-five years ago, the results were good. But they cannot be compared with the current successes of my students. What I had to spend more than a quarter of a century - most of my life - they master over the weekend, in a two-day seminar. Today is as different from yesterday as day from night ...
Teachers love to take credit for the success of their students. However, my claims are more modest. I am simply deeply convinced of the timeliness of this teaching. We were born at the hour when humanity is making an epoch-making step forward. If the student's mind is turned on (as in solving an algebra problem), very little clarification and practice will lead him to new discoveries and insights.

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John gray
Men are from Mars, women are from Venus. New version for the modern world. Skills, skills, techniques for a happy relationship

It is with the greatest love and admiration that I dedicate this book to my daughter Lauren Gray. Her ideas about the role of women in family relationships have inspired many of the discoveries that I share in this book.

John gray

BEYOND MARS AND VENUS:

Relationship Skills for Today's Complex World

© 2017 by John Gray

© A. Brodotskaya, translation into Russian, 2017

© AST Publishing House LLC, 2017

John gray- Doctor of Philosophy, an internationally recognized expert in the field of relations. John Gray's bestseller Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus has been translated into 40 languages ​​and published with a circulation of over 10,000,000 copies

* * *

“John Gray understands the relationship between man and woman better than anyone else in the world. In the book, he gives long-awaited advice on how to walk the thorny path of love in our difficult times. "

“A true expert understands that times are changing, so proven methods need to be regularly reviewed and supplemented. John Gray not only understands how amazingly human relationships are changing today: his advice and methodology have not lost their relevance today. "

“Twenty years have passed since the release of the sensational book Men Are From Mars, Women Are From Venus, and today John Gray is discovering a new universe of useful tips for maintaining and improving family relationships. Read how he interprets love and intimacy in the 21st century and your world will never be the same. "

“John Gray, unlike many other writers, gurus and mentors, has not left the front line and has been working with living people for twenty-five years, ever since he wrote the book Men from Mars, Women from Venus. The deep wisdom, spiritual wealth, sincerity and practicality of this book are beyond praise! The new bestseller for all time! "

Ken Druck, author of The Secrets Men Keep, The Real Rules of Life, Courageous Aging and How to Heal Healing Your Life After the Loss of a Loved One and founder of Executive Coaching

“Trust John Gray, who was able to describe gender relations on a cosmic scale, in terms of Mars and Venus, and thus began an endless dialogue about the differences between men and women, and now he went further and told how it affects the relationship between men and women in our days. All couples, both traditional and ultramodern, learn a lot from this wise philosopher. "

Harville Hendrix and Helen Lacelli Hunt, authors of How to Get the Love You Want and The Family Bible

“How to achieve true love in a modern world full of chaos and stress? How many times have we tried to explain the inexplicable with platitudes like "Well, men - they are from Mars", without really going into the meaning of these words? But this is precisely the point: men are from Mars, and women are from Venus, and if you want to build a strong relationship with a partner, the main thing is to understand how traditional roles change and develop, and learn to adapt to these changes. John Gray's book examines this evolution from both angles. If we get used to new roles, each of us will be seen and heard, and everyone will be able to love and be loved. If we can express the innate sides of our nature, then we will immediately see our strengths and understand how to cope with stress and find peace of mind. Genuine closeness and deep love is a gift from above. I love this book. "

Susan Somers

“The famous book by John Gray, Men from Mars, Women from Venus, changed many lives for the better, including mine, and helped a huge number of people live fuller and happier lives. In the new book you will find wise advice and techniques that are relevant today. "

“John Gray's wisdom, insight and rich life experience dramatically improved my health and mood and pushed me towards success. His wonderful new book teaches amazing ways to strengthen intimate relationships and develops the ability to love. But this is undoubtedly the main thing in life. "

Marsha Wieder, Director of Dream University

“John Gray provides brilliant advice on how to maintain family relationships in an environment where gender roles are rapidly changing. His new book is a must-read for all couples who seriously want to grow and thrive in love for each other. "

“This new book by John Gray explains how to apply his advice and insights to modern couples, and starts where the classic Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus ends. The new book is indeed capable of changing life for the better. Mine - changed. "

“The book Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus made us take a fresh look at the relationship between men and women, and its fundamentally new version provides the key to modern, much more complex relationships between men and women. Read it, you will not regret it, and your halves will not regret it! "

Dave Asprey, founder and CEO of Bulletproof and author of the New York Times bestselling book The Bulletproof Diet

“My wife and I read Men from Mars, Women from Venus many years ago. This book has radically changed our communication, and we have been married for more than twenty-seven years. We advise all familiar couples to read it. And now we have read the sequel and will advise her too. "

“John Gray is always one step ahead. He teaches by example, talks about his family, his marriage, the family situations of countless clients and seminar participants. We are quite familiar with him. In books, you often come across unverified statements. And here everything is fair: this is the story of a man whose word does not differ from his deed, a man who lives in love every day. If you want to better understand yourself and make your relationship with your partner sweeter, this book will take you to the next level. "

Arhuna Arda, founder of Awakening Coaching and author of The Translucent Revolution

"This book teaches each of us how to help our partner become who we are, thereby making love deeper and us becoming the best spouses in the world."

Warren Farrell

Dear Readers!

We present to you the new book by the famous John Gray! Many people know this author from the bestseller Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus. This book has saved more than one marriage, helped millions of people around the world to build happy and harmonious relationships. Perhaps there is no book that would be talked about more, that would be mentioned more often when it comes to the relationship between a man and a woman.

But more than 25 years have passed since the release of the first book about Mars and Venus, the world has changed, men and women are playing new roles and they need a new book. And so John Gray wrote a new, modern version of Men from Mars and Women from Venus.

John Gray has titled his new book Beyond Mars and Venus. If you translate literally "Beyond Mars and Venus" or "Beyond Mars and Venus." For the Russian reader, such a name would be more likely to be associated with astronomy or space exploration. For a long time, the editors could not come up with a name that would immediately indicate that this is an updated version of an excellent book familiar to many. A direct translation, alas, would rather mislead the reader. That is why the name “Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus” was born. A new version for the modern world ”. It is not a direct translation of the original, but refers the reader to his favorite book and suggests that this is a long-awaited sequel, the result of the author's many years of work on the development of the topic, a publication that is based on the same theory, which has already become a classic, but presents the most modern views, concepts , tips and hints.

Enjoy reading!

Introduction

I wrote the book "Men from Mars, Women from Venus" already twenty-five years ago, and it still remains a bestseller and is published in millions of copies around the world. Today it wins the hearts of readers in fifty languages ​​and in more than one hundred and fifty countries. Wherever I give interviews, in any country in the world I am most often asked: how have relations between men and women changed over the past twenty-five years? Are the tips in your book still valid?

How has the relationship between men and women changed over the past twenty-five years? Are the tips in your book still valid?

Short answer: the world has changed beyond recognition, and this has significantly affected our relationship with partners. The pace of life and work is constantly increasing, and with it the level of stress for both men and women. And with millions of women going to work and men taking on more household chores, the dynamics of couples' relationships have changed dramatically.

Nowadays, for relationships to be strong and bring a feeling of happiness and fullness of life, something completely different is needed. Both men and women today need a different emotional support, they need more sincerity, intimacy and opportunities for self-expression. Gone are the days when a woman was required to be compliant, dependent on men, and a man had to alone bear the burden of responsibility for providing for the family.

This change opened up amazing prospects for both family relationships and personality. Now you can be yourself more than ever, you can have qualities that are unusual for traditional gender roles - and all this will only make the relationship of partners much closer to the past.

However, these changes also pose new challenges for us. We need to learn how to successfully manifest our masculine and feminine qualities so that stress does not increase, but decreases. And we also need to learn how to meet the new needs of our partners, and they - ours.

In a sense, men are still from Mars and women are still from Venus, and many of the considerations in my first book are still valid. However, now that we are free to express ourselves, we need a new set of tools to build strong relationships with partners. This is what this book will teach you.

If today's women work on an equal footing with men, and men are more involved in raising children, this does not mean that men and women are the same. Our roles are changing, of course, but biology is still very different. And because men and women are so different, we react differently to role changes, and partners often misunderstand and misinterpret our reactions. We will explore in detail what our needs for emotional support are now and what additional tasks inevitably - as a result - arise in modern gender relations.

Our reactions to change are often misunderstood simply because we are so different.

These tasks are not only for couples, but also for single people, since changes in modern gender relations are only a reflection of the changes that are taking place today in personality psychology. The new ideas about life that we gain as we move beyond Mars and Venus are needed not only for romantic relationships, but also for our personal happiness and for the happiness of our children. They will help us get along better with our employees and, in general, better understand those around us, and this is the key to career success. It doesn't matter if you are in a close relationship with someone or are single, you need to build relationships with members of the opposite sex in any case.

If you are single and looking for a life partner, this book will help you better fulfill your partner's responsibilities when you find your soul mate. If you are single and not looking for a partner, this book will help you realize your own emotional needs, which means you can reduce your stress levels and become happier every day.

New ideas about life are necessary not only for romantic relationships, but also for personal happiness.

Many single people dream of starting a family, and many married couples yearn for the former freedom and the lost brightness of feelings. However, for all of us, both lonely and those who have found partners, today life is much more difficult than before. It is more difficult not only on the material level, but also because we need emotional well-being more strongly, and if we do not achieve it, then we become more disappointed.

Today's change is a colossal shift in the context of gender relations. To build a lasting alliance these days, the skills and beliefs developed over thousands of years for traditional gender relations are simply not enough - they will not help.

Mutual support, without which it is impossible to build a full-fledged relationship with a partner these days, requires a huge investment of energy from men and women. Most men have no one to take an example from to provide it. Personally, I definitely have no one. Our training in family relationships began with observing fathers who perfectly mastered the old model, but had no idea about the new one. Our fathers went to work every day to earn bread for their families, and this, in fact, satisfied almost all the needs of our mothers, who did not expect anything more from family relationships.

Our fathers went to work every day to earn bread for their families, and this, in fact, satisfied almost all the needs of our mothers, who did not expect anything more from family relationships.

Women also have no one to take an example from when they are required to provide modern men with the necessary support or when they themselves are trying to get it. Traditionally, women are not taught to ask for something, it is not part of their communication skills. If the husband was fulfilling his role and providing for the family, the wife had no right to ask for anything more. If he did not play this role, the only way out for his wife was to whine and complain, which, of course, did not contribute to the closeness of the spouses.

Nowadays, you can take an example only from the heroes of films and TV shows, which, of course, are funny to watch, but they do not show how to pave the often winding and thorny road to creating full-fledged relationships with your half. In the popular TV series "American Family" we laugh at the behavior of the characters, at the way they communicate with each other, caricatured exaggerating the joys and difficulties of modern life - but in the last five minutes everyone, as if by magic, find a common language, and in the family peace and love reign. We are shown the result we are striving for, but they hide from us the practical process of transformation.

In classic romance movies like When Harry Met Sally, Titanic, The Notebook - and my beloved Somewhere in Time - we are allowed to sneak a peek at the deep love that sometimes arises when the characters manage to demand reciprocity. no matter how difficult it is. We are given a peek at how much joy and pleasure love brings when the heroes manage to overcome obstacles and finally find the one whom they were looking for. What we see on the big screen resonates in our souls, and we dream of experiencing something similar ourselves. However, the movies do not show what happens next when everyday life takes over.

Nowadays, if you want to build a modern relationship with a partner, you can take an example only from the heroes of films and TV series, but they do not give a realistic picture of a genuine romantic relationship.

We imagine that heroes will live happily ever after, but we are not shown how they succeed. We are briefly cheered by the spectacle of the opening up prospects - but we will be immediately disappointed, because we see how far our life is from a dream. To live a life of love, to truly walk it hand in hand, we need to learn new skills that cinema does not teach.

Men are not shown how important it is to express their warm feelings for a partner and provide her with positive feedback, without which she will not be able to show her best qualities, they are not explained how to make joint decisions if you and your partner have different views on how to plan a time together, if one of the partners is more loaded with work, how to make dates and not wait until the last minute when love is on the brink of disaster, how to resolve disputes and listen to a story about feelings without becoming defensive.

Women are not taught practical techniques to awaken all the best in a partner, they are not taught to meet the needs that men are not at all the same as women, and they do not talk about their needs without complaining or reproaching - in short, they do not explain what it is. the role of women in creating long lasting romantic relationships.

In the movies, the romantic hero always says exactly what is needed, and the heroine can only answer him. In real life, romance is provided by both - there are two sides to any relationship.

In real life, romance is provided by both - there are two sides to any relationship.

The path to becoming a person who knows what he needs and is able to support a partner is very long. But you can start it right now: you do not need to wait for your current or future partner to join you. It is enough for only one person to change, and then relations in general will change. If one partner gets better, the other will definitely pull up.

When I wrote the book "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus", I was constantly asked the same question: "How to get a partner to read this book?"

To this I replied to everyone: no need to force anyone. Otherwise, the partner will take it as a hint that he is not good enough, will be offended and withdrawn into himself. No, read it yourself and try the tools that will make you happier without changing your partner at all. It is likely that eventually your partner will become curious about what you are reading.

This is how this book should be treated. Your job is to focus on changing yourself, not your partner. As long as your happiness depends on whether your partner changes, you prevent him from changing and growing. After all, you probably want not to interfere with being yourself, so your partner needs the same freedom.

Sometimes the more you give, the more you get, and sometimes you get a lot for mere trifles. When we invest a lot in a relationship for the sole purpose of changing our partner, but we get little in return. That's not how things are done! From a partner's point of view, this is not support, but manipulation!

Investing more in a relationship to change your partner is not support but manipulation from your partner's point of view!

If you want to get more from a relationship with your half, there is nothing wrong with that, just don't try to change your partner - it won't help. If you're not getting enough out of your relationship with your partner, the first step is to invest less and invest more in yourself. Don't try to change your partner - change yourself.

As soon as you change, it immediately brings out a new side of your partner's nature. Changes in methods change the result, this is a law of nature, but if you feel differently, the result will be even brighter. This book will present you with new strategies that will allow you to change the way you feel and thereby bring out the best in your partner. If you develop the ability to be happy without demanding change from your partner, you can give more - and ultimately receive more.

If you learn to be happy without demanding change from your partner, you can give more - and still not feel left out.

It often happens that couples facing a crisis in their relationship present each other with long lists of legitimate complaints and reproaches. If you are the same, there is only one way out: both sides should stop blaming each other and take responsibility for their part of the problems.

If our happiness depends on a partner, we have nothing left but reproaches and accusations. Often times, couples are drawn into a "blame game," akin to a tennis match: she gets angry at something, he defends himself and gets angry at her in return. So they throw the blame back and forth. And you can break this vicious circle only by stopping blaming your partner, and for this you need to find out a new way to return love. This is what you’ll learn in these pages as you read how to build a supportive, non-reproachful relationship with your partner.

When you live life to the fullest, you can give more. If your heart is open, and you understand what the new needs of your partner are, dictated by his gender, then not only will you live fuller - with your help, the partner will also be able to better meet your new needs. When you don’t like what you’re getting, it’s rarely helpful to ask for more. Most importantly, there is no point in asking for more when your partner is not getting what they need.

There is no point in asking for more when your partner is not getting what they need.

The first step to a better relationship is to go back to a place where you can open your heart and change regardless of your partner. The second step is to feel, speak, and do whatever you can to help him. If you give your partner what he needs, he is much more willing to give you in return what you need. The third step is to start asking for something little by little and reward your partner generously when he gives it to you. This is your formula for success, and expecting more without giving more is the formula for failure. I will add that waiting too much too soon also means canceling out all your own efforts.

Many women believe that they are already giving more, but not getting any results. Often the point is that they give the partner not what he needs most. Without new ideas, a woman instinctively provides her partner with the support she wants herself, and not the one he really needs. Not realizing how men's thoughts and feelings differ from women's, the poor thing tries in vain - no one appreciates her efforts, since she is not able to provide the modern man with the support he needs.

Men, too, for the most part believe that they give their partners everything and enough, if only because they give more than their fathers gave. But since the modern woman has different needs, copying paternal behavior and attitudes in an attempt to provide love and support is not enough, it is not enough for a partner.

Husbands of previous generations provided the love and support of a different species — they met the woman's needs for survival and safety. However, the modern woman needs new ways of expressing love that satisfy her emotional needs for tenderness, community, romance, close companionship, equality and respect, as well as her increased need for independence and self-expression. For simplicity, I call this new type of support "personal love."

Modern women need a new kind of support to meet their personal love needs.

The position of men is similar, but not quite: they also have new emotional needs, they need to feel that they are successfully meeting the emotional needs of their partner and that they are appreciated for this, but at the same time they have their own needs for greater independence and self-expression. In the past, a man believed he was successful in life if he was able to feed his family, but today's man needs something different: he needs to be trusted, admired and appreciated for his efforts to provide new emotional support to his wife and children. I call these new needs of the modern man "personal success." A man needs positive feedback - so he understands that he has achieved success in his efforts to provide for his family not only financially, but also emotionally.

Modern men need a new kind of support to meet their personal success needs.

In the book, we will study in detail the new emotional needs of our contemporaries, which are different for men and women - the need for personal love and personal success. Understanding these needs is key to creating a relationship that is free of reproach, because once you understand what matters most to your partner's full life, you can purposefully devote all your energies to providing the very love and support that your partner will fully appreciate.

When you understand that the main thing for the fullness of your partner's life, you will be able to channel strength and love in the right direction.

From a practical point of view, tune in to putting into practice the new information in this book in two months - and you will feel that you are happier, better deal with stress, but do not depend on whether your partner changes. The next step is to gradually, in small doses, give your partner more support and express love more in accordance with the particular type of personal love or personal success that he needs. Finally, once you've given your partner what they need, you can begin to apply new skills - and little by little ask your partner for more, rewarding generously.

Both men and women first of all need to find their own happiness, which does not depend on whether the partner changes. And the lonely should find happiness, regardless of whether they manage to find their ideal half. If you are single, in the first stage, when you learn to rely on yourself better, stop looking for the perfect half - instead, practice new communication skills during several dates with different people in order to gain positive experience. Learning new skills is much easier when there isn't too much on the line. If you set yourself a different goal and stop looking for the perfect half, and focus on gaining more positive experience, then you will get rid of the need to choose too carefully and thoughtfully those on whom these skills to hone.

If you set yourself a different goal of simply gaining a positive experience in dating, you will have the opportunity to happily hone new skills.

For a relationship with a partner to bring happiness and a feeling of fullness in life, first of all, it is necessary that our own life be happy and complete. It is unrealistic to expect intimate relationships to be the only source of emotional well-being. If you build a life in which there is enough room for friends and family, and sports, and delicious food, and meaningful work or selfless service to humanity, where there are enough opportunities to have fun, have fun, learn new things, grow as a person and develop spiritually, then love will make you only happier. Today, to build a lasting and lasting union full of love, you first need to lay the foundation for happiness, and for this you need to satisfy your own needs, in addition to the needs of intimate relationships.

To fully enjoy an intimate relationship, you first need to lay the foundation for happiness, and to do this, satisfy your other needs, regardless of your partner.

Many people mistakenly believe that success in the external world is sufficient for happiness in the personal world. However, it is not. Happiness requires love and new relationship-building skills. If you only need success, why are glossy magazines full of stories about the rich and famous who do not crawl out of mental hospitals? Why are so many successful people single, divorced, and not getting along with children? Why doesn't wealth protect against the symptoms of lack of happiness - depression, anxiety, sleepless nights? As you take more responsibility for your own happiness, you have the opportunity to provide personal love and the signs of personal success that a relationship withers without.

Until you experience the fullness of life that deep intimacy brings, when partners give each other personal love and ensure personal success, you cannot even imagine what it is. After all, until you try ice cream, you will not know if it is tasty. Many succumb to the hypnosis of the modern world, which asserts that money and things make a person happier, and find themselves unable to feel the power of love.

It is difficult to imagine the full power of personal love until you feel it firsthand.

I remember the first time I realized how powerful personal love is and how precious it is. Of course, I have always loved my wife, and this love gave me a feeling of fullness of life, but I did not understand how important it is to give personal love. After all, I was too eager to earn money and provide for my family - and I wanted to be loved for it.

And then one day in the sixth year of marriage, Bonnie and I made love, and then I said:

- Wow, what great sex! Not worse than at the beginning.

Bonnie was silent - I was even alarmed that she was silent for so long - and then she remarked:

“Better, in my opinion.

- Truth? - I was surprised. - Why do you think so?

She answered:

- Making love at the very beginning was very cool, but then we did not know each other well. Now that six years have passed, you have seen both the best and the worst sides of me. And you still adore me. This only makes sex better.

And then I suddenly realized that, in fact, over these six years we have become much closer to each other - and therefore sex brings much more joy and satisfaction. This was an important discovery for me. After all, sex is a way of expressing deep love for a partner, especially for men. But after many years as spouses become closer to each other and learn to better demonstrate personal love, sex becomes just one of many ways to show it.

As you read this book and learn how to meet the needs of modern people for personal love and success, you will learn many ways to express love and intimacy - and sex is just one of them.

Now that we have been married for thirty-one years, I still love my wife deeper every day and feel that we are getting closer - and not only in the bedroom, but also because we constantly hug, say tender words to each other. , we support each other, we have sincere conversations, we help each other, and we also constantly have fun and often spend time with our children and grandchildren. And I don't have to depend on sex as the only way to tell Bonnie how much I love her. Sex has become one of the many ways for us to feel love for each other and talk about it.

Introduction

Life is arranged in such a way that it is easier to get what you want than to keep the desire to enjoy what you have acquired. Many people have learned to get what they want. But the acquired ceases to satisfy them. No matter how many benefits they have, everything is not enough for them; they are gnawed by the feeling that something else is missing. They are dissatisfied with themselves, relatives, health, work. There is always something that makes them restless.

At the other end of the psychological scale are those who do not know how to get more than they have, but are still much more satisfied with themselves, their work and their well-being. Their hearts are open to life, but their dreams have not yet come true. They got the most out of their life situation, but they wonder why others have more. Most people are intermediate in relation to these extremes.

"Personal success" is the central place, being in which you find what you want and do not lose interest in it. Personal success does not depend on who you have become, what you have and what you have achieved, but on how good you are with yourself and with what you do and have. Personal success is entirely in your power. One should only clearly understand what it is and strive to acquire it.

"Personal success" is nothing more than getting what you want without losing interest in it.

However, personal success is not limited to feelings of contentment or happiness. It brings a sense of confidence that you can get what you want and encourages you to act in the right direction. Personal success requires you to have a clear understanding of how to make life the way you want it to be. For some, personal success is learning how to get more; for others, understanding how to become happier. Many people need to learn how to embody both of these important aspects.

To achieve personal success, you don't have to rely on chance, fate, luck, or luck. Some people have an innate tendency to achieve personal success, but most require prior education and training. Fortunately, you can learn how to achieve personal success. You may be much closer to him than you think. For life to find the fullness it desires, most of you only need to make small (but important) changes in thinking, thinking, and acting.

Small but important changes in the way you think can open the door to greater personal success.

By putting into practice one or two new ideas, you can literally transform your life in one evening. Although the circumstances will temporarily remain the same as before, your new perspective on the situation will make it possible to instantly change everything. If you are dazzled by the tinsel of life, curtained windows will allow you to relax and see the world as it is again. Likewise, making certain preparations you make will not only help you live happily with what you have, but will also give you the confidence that you are on the path to getting what you want.

Four Steps to Personal Success

There are four steps to achieving greater success in life. This book discusses them in great detail.

Step one: set a goal for yourself. See where you are now and be clear about where you need to be in order to achieve the desired balance between internal and external success. No matter how hard you work, if you are moving in the wrong direction, you will meet only obstacles in life and never fulfill your dreams. By acting not just in accordance with the desires of the mind, heart and feelings, but in harmony with the aspirations of the soul, you will lay the foundation for both internal and external success.

Step two: get what you need. Learn to get what you need to ”be truly yourself. It is not enough to simply say, "I want to be myself." To know yourself and truly be yourself, you need to learn about the ten kinds of love and care that everyone needs. By realizing what you are missing, and realizing how to find it, you will automatically begin to approach inner success. Your car may be fine, but you won't go anywhere if you haven't filled your tank with gas. Likewise, you cannot find your true self if your need for love is not satisfied.

Step three: get what you want. Learn the secret of achieving external success (without losing your true self) - and you will begin to receive everything you want from the outside world. Realize the importance of strong desires, confidence, and aspiration to attract what you want. Learn to empower your desires by identifying and transforming negative feelings and emotions.

Step four: eliminate the obstacles to personal success. Learn about the twelve types of obstacles that keep you from getting what you want, and begin to clear the path that leads to both inner and outer success. Learn to remove each of the potential obstacles: reproach, depression, anxiety, indifference, bias, indecision, slowness, nagging, resentment, self-pity, confusion, and guilt. Having gained the ability to get rid of all this, you realize that nothing external can interfere with you.

Deborah finds a husband

When Deborah began to study the method of achieving personal success, she fought for external success and was already desperate to get married. By shifting her attention to finding inner peace and harmony, she was able to relax. This change made her realize that she was not being cared for. Previously, she did not allow herself to relax and do what she wanted. Now she felt better, and as a result, she gained the ability to create what she wanted and to attract him to herself.

Deborah not only found a wonderful job, but also met the man of her dreams, whom she married. To start a new stage in life and start a family, she had to remove three obstacles to personal success. When in the past she had to decide on something, she was lost, was constrained and indecisive. Having got rid of internal obstacles, Deborah again wanted to meet a man who would love her. After taking four steps to personal success, she made her dreams a reality.

Tom opens a bakery

Tom always wanted to have his own bakery, but it turned out that he worked at a television station. He did not like the job, and he often condemned those with whom he worked, and took offense at them. Tom's first step towards personal success was to strive to be happy no matter what the circumstances. He began to practice meditation. As a result, I gained a sense of inner harmony.

Work was no longer the main source of his dissatisfaction. Having received the necessary support in meditation, he began to imagine what he would like. Tom began to constantly receive something. His life was filled with small miracles. He wanted to go on a business trip and was sent abroad. He wanted praise and recognition - and he got it. His confidence that he can create and attract what he wants has increased.

This confidence gave him freedom, and he followed his dream: he quit his job and opened a bakery. To make this change in his life, he had to free himself from some internal obstacles. In his previous job, Tom often took offense and condemned people. As mental barriers fell, he got rid of slowness and indecision. Over time, this allowed him to open his own business (now very successful).

Robert finds a common language with children

When Robert began to put into practice the principles of personal success, he was already a multimillionaire. He achieved outward success, but at the same time he did not feel happy at all. He got divorced three times and could not find a common language with his children. He had everything except the understanding of those close to him. None of his assistants and ex-wives had any idea how unhappy he was. People who don't have a lot of money cannot imagine that they can grieve with a million dollars. However, this happens all the time.

In search of happiness, Robert learned to live in harmony with himself. He wanted a person to appear in his life, whom he could make happy with his enormous wealth. But first he had to learn to enjoy himself. Before, in order to feel spiritual comfort, he needed a beautiful woman next to him. Over the course of a year, Robert learned to be happy without her. He gave himself a break and went to travel alone.

Realizing that he could be internally happy, Robert began to improve his relationship with the children. He gave love, and he was reciprocated. Every day the dependence of the millionaire on external success diminished. He was glad of external achievements, but he understood why they did not allow him to find true peace and happiness.

To win the trust of children and share his life with someone, Robert had to overcome many obstacles. He had to get rid of his tendency to reproach, from indifference to his ex-wives and understand why the children were offended by him. By breaking down these barriers, he established relationships with children and found peace and joy.

Overcoming difficulties

After achieving personal success, life no longer seems like a continuous struggle; what was difficult will become easier. Of course, there will be problems in life, but you will be able to solve them more successfully. Doors that previously seemed to be locked will begin to open. You will finally be free, you will feel the opportunity to be yourself and do what you should be doing here and now. You will feel more ready for the exams of life. Inevitable trials will turn into a chance for you to become stronger.

No matter how your spiritual greatness is now manifested, the bright light of your true self will shine, illuminating your path. With the dawn of inner light, your wanderings in darkness will end. You will not only clearly feel what you need to do in this world, but you will also realize that you are not alone in it. The truth that you are loved and cared for will become a living, tangible sensation.

With the dawn of the inner light of love, your wanderings in darkness end.

You should not think of personal success as a conflict-free state granted to you, in which there is no place for disappointment and confusion. The art of achieving personal success is to a large extent the ability to transform negative emotions into positive feelings, to perceive negative experiences as a lesson learned. To truly become yourself, you need to bypass the growth process, which is impossible without changes, ups and downs. You can be considered personal success if you know exactly how to get up after a fall.

The one who dared to be himself and follow the dictates of his heart, sometimes traps lie in wait. Mistakes, obstacles and overcoming them are part of life, important components of our learning and growth.

The main difference between people who have achieved success and those who have failed is knowing how to get up if they fall.

For each person, personal success will be his own, different from someone else's. Some people like to ride a roller coaster. Others prefer the slow rotation of the Ferris wheel and the majestic views that open from it. Some people just walk around, glad that no one bothers them. Naturally, everyone has their own unique way of moving through life. In any case, it will have ups and downs, peaks and valleys, accelerations and decelerations.

As you find personal success, you will continue to experience negative emotions. Ultimately, however, they will lift you to an ever higher crest of joy, love, confidence, and peace. By learning how to deal with negative experiences, you will realize how important they are and give up the dream of living a life without them. Well, if you want to avoid negative and positive emotions forever, rest peacefully in the cemetery.

Life is motion. The secret of personal success is to learn to feel peace, joy, love and confidence in yourself, not to lose contact with your inner world. The one who knows how to make a dream a reality has fewer reasons for anxiety, he accepts life as a process and understands that it takes a certain amount of time to get anything. If your heart is open and you truly are yourself, you will surely be able to appreciate and fully enjoy every step of your unique journey. The expectation of being perfect in life fades away as you find that what you create in life (and what you attract to yourself) is the best you can do.

The key to the future is in your hands. You, and only you, are able to create your tomorrow. With this new perspective, you will be able to find answers to any questions regarding personal success. New perspectives will open before you that will help you make your life meaningful. You will gain undeniable knowledge of how to achieve your cherished goal. These four steps provide you with a practical and spiritual roadmap to help you build your life the way you want to live it.

Chapter 1. Money Can't Buy Happiness

A FEW PEOPLE have gained a lot in life, but at the same time they have lost their peace. The world is full of unfortunate millionaires who are unlucky in love. Yet they, and those who look up to them, continue to think that by making more money - or by acquiring more “something” - they can find peace of mind.

We have all heard that money cannot buy love and happiness. Despite the popularity of this statement, it is very easy to become entangled in the web of illusory notions that external success brings happiness. The more we think of money as a means of becoming happy, the less able we are to be happy without it.

Perhaps some of you, after reading the previous paragraph, thought: "Yes, I know that money cannot bring real happiness, but it certainly helps to find it." While this phrase sounds reasonable, it is important to understand that this is a false way of thinking that is robbing you of your strength. To change the direction of your life and gain confidence in your personal success, you need to understand that money does not bring happiness. The idea that money makes you, or someone else, happy is an illusion.

The nature of illusion

Let's dwell on the nature of illusion. Every day you see the sun making its way across the firmament. But at the same time, you know that the sun is not really moving. Although your senses indicate movement, your mind knows that it is not. Although it seems to you that you are motionless, you know that the Earth rotates on its axis. Your mind understands that the movement of the sun is an illusion; you are actually moving.

To understand this illusion, abstract thinking is required, which is absent in a small child. The school teacher notices how, as students develop, abstract thinking comes to replace their concrete thinking. In most cases, these changes happen instantly. The student did not understand algebraic equations at all, but suddenly (when his mind matured) everything became clear to him. If the mind is not ready, no amount of explanation will help the student understand the mentor.

To understand or recognize an illusion, the brain must reach a certain level of development.

The transition from concrete thinking (the world is what we see) to abstract (ideas are real too) usually occurs during puberty. At the age of twelve or thirteen, the brain is sufficiently developed to accept ideas that seem obvious to adults. Just as a child develops, the cognitive capabilities of all mankind grow. Ideas that once perplexed the greatest minds of the past are now accepted by fourteen-year-old schoolchildren.

The formation of common sense

Just five hundred years ago, everyone thought the Earth was flat and the Sun moved across the sky. For the time being, people could not recognize this simple illusion. Their minds were not ready to accept the abstract concepts necessary to recognize that the Earth is moving and the Sun is stationary. When Copernicus described this phenomenon in 1543, many did not want to change their beliefs. The church decided that the scientist was a threat to her, and he spent the rest of his life under house arrest.

After a relatively short time, Copernicus's discovery was recognized. Humanity has made a leap in its development. What most people could not even imagine has become a fact. Today humanity is participating in another leap — moving towards understanding the secrets of personal success. It approached this level of development thanks to the great teachings and religions. As we move forward, these important traditions will remain a solid foundation (just as the student of algebra relies on the mathematical foundations of "concrete thinking").

In our historical time, many illusions have been debunked - in particular, illusions about the relationship between a man and a woman. People always ask me: "Why didn't anyone write" "before you? After all, everything is so obvious. It seems that this is just commonplace. "

An idea for which the time has come

The simple answer to this question is: it's an idea whose time has come. Fifty or even twenty years ago, it was not that popular. When I started teaching the Men from Mars, Women from Venus system in the early eighties, some people literally amazed me at how misunderstood my words were. They were not able to realize the fact that men and women are simply different, but this does not mean that one of them is worse than the other. They believed that if a man and a woman are different, then one of them must be better. And since I am a man, it seemed to people that I was claiming that men are better than women. Gradually, over fifteen years, the ideas reflected in the book "Men from Mars, Women from Venus" became generally accepted not only in America, but throughout the world. These changes in understanding are global.

What is obvious to one generation was a revelation to the previous one. Fifteen years ago, feminists argued that we are all equal, because we are the same - women are no different from men. To achieve equality, women sought to prove that they were the same as men. In the end, society abandoned the notion that one sex is better than the other. Now it is clear to everyone that men and women are different from each other, but now we also understand that being different does not mean being better than others.

What is obvious to one generation has always been a revelation to the previous one.

We are on the verge of recognizing gender equality and reject the erroneous assumption that one sex can be inherently better than the other. We are gradually awakening to be ready to eliminate racial discrimination. Likewise, more and more people are recognizing the value of all religious teachings. It becomes apparent that God does not differentiate between religions. The grace of God is available to everyone, whether you are an agnostic, atheist, Christian, Jew, Hindu, Muslim, or anyone else. God loves everyone regardless of their beliefs. As the world becomes more and more compact, we get the opportunity to see with our own eyes the high moral qualities of people professing different religions. The recognition that these qualities are inherent in everyone, regardless of religion, frees many people from the narrow boundaries of their past beliefs.

People are beginning to take it for granted that all major religions teach truth while remaining distinct from each other. And thank God - after all, millions of lives were ruined because people did not realize: spiritual messages may be different, but they say the same thing. As we enter the new millennium, it becomes obvious again that "there are many ways, but they all lead to the same place." The illusion misled us: it seemed to us that for all people there is only one way, one type of higher person, one higher teaching or one higher religion. After we have seen wisdom in all religions, the truth of our own path becomes more and more obvious to us.

A new door is opening

All these changes in conventional wisdom open a new door for humanity. Now we can debunk other illusions: the idea that our sense of self depends on the outside world; that outward success can make us happy.

While it may seem that the outside world is responsible for how we feel, the entire responsibility for this lies with ourselves. When the outside world gives us what we wanted and “makes us happy,” happiness immediately vanishes as we continue to think we need to get something else to be happy. If we believe that we are dependent on the outside world, our connection with the inner being weakens. Happiness is overwhelmed by the belief that it is impossible without additional acquisitions. Conversely, the belief that happiness does not depend on external circumstances (and constant confirmation of this) prolongs our joy. Let me try to explain this using the example of money.

How to be happily married? How to avoid conflicts in the family and learn to better understand your soul mate? These and other issues were the subject of a lecture by an American writer and psychologist who had been happily married for thirty years with his wife Boni, whom the lecturer mentioned more than once during his speech.

.

The main idea that John Gray is trying to convey both in his book and during lectures is that there are too many differences between women and men, and representatives of different genders will be able to build strong relationships only when they understand the nature of each other.

Men are by nature conquerors and earners. They need recognition, praise and a pedestal, while women care about completely different things. The focus of women's attention is her family and children, and the main reward for her will be the love of her loved ones.

During his many years of practice, Gray listened to more than one hundred women, and they all came to him with similar problems: 1) a man cannot listen; 2 the man does not fulfill the woman's request. After listening to thousands of the same complaints, the psychologist made two important conclusions: women need to learn how to complain (and do it right), while men need to stop complaining.

Gray's theory is easily explained at the physiological level: when a man experiences pain and talks about it, his level of estrogen (a female hormone) in the blood rises, and the level of testosterone (a male hormone) decreases. Only if the man is silent about his pain, testosterone levels rise, in other words, a man remains a man.

At the same time, the modern woman has become too tough. She receives an education, earns money, and, at the same time, continues to run the household, raise children, take care of her husband. The pile of responsibilities increases the level of cortisol, a stress hormone that clearly does not make a woman more affectionate and gentle. It is noteworthy that the more a woman earns, the higher her social status, the more unhappy she feels.

People may erroneously assume that women should not be self-reliant and independent. Peace and equality on earth will come only when women live in peace and equality within their families, "says John Gray.

In order to reduce the level of cortilosis and raise the level of estrogen in the blood, a woman must realize that she cannot do without male help. She must learn to complain and do it right. Tell your spouse about everything that happened to her during the day, including troubles, both small and large, and excluding only one thing: criticism of your partner. Men cannot stand criticism, it strongly hits their pride, and as a result, they simply refuse to listen.

At the same time, the man's task is to listen patiently to his beloved. Women need to share their emotions, and men just need to listen to them, without even engaging in an active dialogue. "I Hear You" is a golden, secret phrase that disarms a woman.

When a woman complains, and a man can no longer bear it, he wants to stop her, ask her to shut up. Instead, he must gather all his will and say one thing: keep talking, "says John Gray.

Only if a man wants his woman to be happy, he must learn to listen to her. And a woman needs to learn patience, patience, and again patience.

At the moment when a quarrel is brewing, the conflict flares up at a dangerous rate, and understanding the situation is far beyond the mind, Gray advises to take time out and give each other a rest. He advises to think about the situation alone, find several alternative methods of resolving the conflict and return to your soul mate with an open heart.

"By building a wall around our heart, we do not let the person inside who hurt us. But we can no longer go beyond this wall. We stop loving and giving love, and there is nothing worse than this feeling. A person finds himself in his own trap from the wall. that he himself built. Forgiving is the most important thing in a relationship. Forgiving, a person destroys a built wall, "says Gray.

The psychologist offers men a step-by-step dialogue with a woman who is complaining. It consists of three key phrases that a man needs to use:

Keep talking.
Do you have anything to add?
Help me understand you.
A woman must learn to receive, a man must learn to give. It helps a woman to open up, "- assures John Gray.

In order for a woman to feel happy, she needs very little: care, understanding and respect. And if, among other things, she realizes that a man is not a superman, and accepts her husband as he is, then this will serve as a solid platform for a successful marriage.

All you have to do is try to understand each other "- this is one of the key advice of the American psychologist.

Gray John (John Gray).

John Gray is a world renowned expert in the field of human and family relations, in particular, relationships, the author of 17 books published in dozens of countries in millions of copies. In 1995-1996. they have been at the top of the US bestseller lists for a record time - almost a year and a half! Such their phenomenal popularity is explained by the author's absolutely new approach to the old, like the world, problem of the relationship between men and women.

D. Gray - one of the participants in the movie "The Secret". But he is much better known for the series of books "Mars and Venus". The first book of this series was published in 1993. It is called "Men from Mars, Women from Venus." She is one of the ten most influential books published in the past 25 years. But John Gray has come a long way to his success. After leaving school, he entered two universities at once. But John Gray never graduated from any of them. In this he is similar to Joe Vitale. He, too, could not complete his studies at the University of Kent.

For nine years John Gray lived as a monk studying transcendental meditation. He studied at one of the Maharishi centers located in the mountains of Switzerland. There D. Gray received his bachelor's and master's degrees.

John graduated from Columbia University in 1982. D. Gray studied remotely and received his doctorate in human psychology and sexuality. Brian Tracy (author of books and audio programs on the topics of business, sales management, self-realization and leadership) is also a graduate of this university.

For over 15 years, John has been working as a family psychotherapist and conducts personal growth workshops. He was invited by such famous TV presenters as Larry King and Oprah Winfrey. John Gray has appeared on various television and radio programs throughout the country. He has written about 17 books, which have been translated into 40 languages ​​of the world. Video and audio recordings of seminars and training programs have been released. John Gray now lives with his family in Northern California.

fingers to beat off the one who closed, and his brains.

Rated 5 out of 5 stars by Stas 07/29/2016 2:31 PM

The best book ever!

Rated 5 out of 5 stars by Khalil 03/02/2016 05:34

Many advice and, moreover, read articles and examples are just taken from life, you read and think the same about me, I am not the only one, but a little further you understand how much you did not understand the female gender, although earlier with such conviction stated the opposite

Rated 5 out of 5 stars from Rustaveli 01/03/2016 09:24 PM

The book is super. I like it

Rated 5 out of 5 stars by Aselek 07/15/2015 14:43

This is one of the best books))). love needs to read)) really practical advice. and everything in clear language !!)) the highest score))

Rated 5 out of 5 stars from Maxim 06/09/2015 00:01

amaterasudakini, this is a comment! Now I will definitely read it!

Rated 5 out of 5 stars by savchuk_katrin 07/08/2014 12:33 PM

A MUST-read book. For both women and men - everyone who wants to learn to understand the opposite sex. and myself too. It just turns the perception of the world upside down. As soon as you start using the advice, a lot of problems are instantly solved, because all these problems, as it turned out, arose solely due to misunderstandings.

“I beg you, do not tell me about love.

I can't hear about your love.

Understand, finally, when you say: “I love you,” you put one meaning into these words, and I extract a completely different meaning from them.

It's like you put an orange in your hat, and I get a rabbit out of it.

And then you ask me: how is it delicious?

And I am immediately horrified: do I need to kill him?

And I, on the contrary, feed him with carrots, and his nose moves, and his pink ears shine through in the sun.

And you, well, by the way, suggest: let me clean it for you.

I imagine this, and I immediately feel bad.

Nauseous, dizzy ...

Well, okay, I say, clean it ...

And I leave home so as not to see this.

I come back in an hour, and you are sitting in a chair, the whole floor is covered with orange skins, and the rabbit is nowhere to be found.

You put a slice of orange in my mouth, and I immediately vomit from the taste of fresh blood.

You think: hysterical ... "

Rated 5 out of 5 stars by amaterasudakini 06/18/2014 04:24 PM

Rated 5 out of 5 stars by i_20 02/14/2012 04:37 PM

Recipes for Happy Relationships - John Gray

The practical tips, techniques and exercises presented in Recipes for Happy Relationships can help you completely transform your life in just a few days, while remaining useful in the future. Through this book, you will not only learn how to keep you and your partner connected with love and intimacy, but also learn how to truly love yourself and improve all kinds of relationships with people, as well as learn about powerful practical techniques for finding self-love. and to others.
Thanks to the methods described in this book, thousands of people have learned to free themselves from emotional stress and resolve conflicts inevitable in any relationship.