I am 35 years old, my wife is 33. We have been together for ten years, of which we have been married for five years. In six months we will have our first child. But I've been thinking for a year now how to get away from my wife.
I'm not cheating on her. I'm just tired of our relationship. I am no longer interested in her, and she no longer excites me. These are the feelings I have experienced for the last two years. I immediately thought it would pass, but the situation is only getting worse.
During the year I tried to make our relationship more interesting: I showered my wife with bouquets, arranged romantic evenings, we went on vacation together and went to various events. And then we really felt great, but it passed quickly.
It is difficult to say where the feelings for his wife disappeared. One day I woke up and realized that I had ceased to admire her, I no longer want to take care of her. The first thing that has practically disappeared from the relationship is sex, hugs and kisses. Previously, it was constant, and over time - "only on holidays."
It's sad that we both dreamed of living together all our lives, creating a big strong family. Once I deliberately proposed to her ... Now she is pregnant, and I am thinking about how to leave. And I don't understand myself. I never thought that I could suddenly change my attitude towards my beloved wife.
Zhenet has not yet talked about his decision. I don’t know how to explain it to her, and I still hope that "everything will change tomorrow." I am very worried about this, I feel like a traitor. How to resolve the situation?
Anastasia Kapustinskaya, psychologist, gestalt therapist:
- Crises in family life are inevitable. In a relationship, two different people are involved, who in some ways develop together, but in some ways each one by himself. The crisis begins when the old way is no longer possible, but the new way is not yet possible.
Changing feelings and discomfort in a relationship is a symptom that something is going wrong. But you can't let everything go by itself, you must definitely figure out what the problem is. At such a moment, it is important not to try to distract yourself with something, on the contrary, you need to plunge into the existing discomfort and try to understand what exactly is going wrong. Analyze how the words and behavior of the partner have changed, what he began to perceive differently? What is missing and what is oversupply?
The most valuable resource in a relationship is the ability to talk. You need to tell your partner what is going wrong, and be sure to ask how he sees the situation. Then you can be together even when the going gets tough.
Very often, tenderness (kisses, hugs, sex) leaves the relationship when the partner feels anger, irritation, and resentment. But he does not show these feelings, since either he is not fully aware of them, or it is not customary to show such emotions in a relationship. Then, stopping this spectrum of experiences, both love and tenderness leave.
Pregnancy is one of the crisis stages for a couple. The temptation to quit can be great. In this situation, the couple have been together for ten years. This is a good foundation to try to cope with the crisis together. The main thing is to understand that nothing will work out by itself.
It is important to talk to each other about fears, worries, doubts. Talking openly about difficulties can bring intimacy back into a relationship. You can try to see a family psychologist.
When a couple learns to freely express their displeasure and talk about discomfort, then the need to restrain tenderness will disappear.
Question to the psychologist:
A woman who was 4 months pregnant left me. She is 35 years old. Telling me that WE are expecting a baby, she added that it would be nice to live separately. After six months of living together. Arriving from a business trip, I did not find her at home. I took my coffee machine and a cat, went to live with my mother, motivating that it would be right, we are next to each other ... "I called ten times a day, asked what I was doing, told what I was doing. Then the relationship began to deteriorate. more, less often they began to meet, less often to call up ... And one fine moment in a telephone conversation she said "Yes, I do not want to live with you. To love each other, it is not necessary to live together ... We take care of each other so well ... ". When asked why and what will happen next, she answered" ... I don’t want to live just like that ... and in general, lately we often fought over my kitty ... What will happen next, I don't know ... ". She burst into tears and said goodbye without explaining or commenting on what it meant. Later she wrote SMS" I and our son need you. " We met a couple of times, I stopped by to see her at work. At the same time, we talked purely on abstract topics related to her activities, as if nothing had happened. In the coming days, she will give birth, after a month of unanswered calls and without meeting with her, I went to her, talk and find out how she feels, barely getting through to her, I heard a dry and unfriendly answer "... what do I owe? ... I'm fine. All the best ... ” memories, doing self-blame. I blame myself. I'm worried about how to be with a child now ... how to all this. I don't understand anything, but there were disagreements about the abundance of hair from her cat, but she did not follow her and me to her Yes, I tried to take care of her, but lately she said that my concern was unnecessary. I understand that pregnancy, hormones, all that. But to run to my mother ... We dreamed of a bunch of children, planned life.
The question is answered by the psychologist Efremova Olga Evgenievna.
Hello Vitaly.
Your situation, like any relationship, is individual and unique, so it's hardly worth thinking about any statistics. I understand that you are trying to analyze everything, draw logical conclusions, but this does not work in a relationship, it is important to see and understand exactly your woman. You just wrote very little about her, mainly about her specific actions. Understand the main thing - it is not enough to analyze and try to understand the actions themselves - this does not reveal the meaning of what is actually happening inside a person. The motive for these actions is more important, and for this you need to know and understand the person, what feelings and desires move him, what he wants, what to strive for, what is in his soul - you need to talk about this, ask, try to understand the other person.
If now for you the situation and behavior of your woman is so incomprehensible, most likely your communication did not reach this level of self-disclosure. Most likely, your woman was afraid to tell you what did not suit her, what she lacked in your relationship.
The way she left suggests that this was an attempt to provoke your initiative. After all, at first, having left you, she did not end the relationship with you, she actively communicated, but she expected active actions from you. Perhaps she wanted to see how much you need her and dear, whether you really want to be with her, whether you want her back. It is very important for a woman to know the truth about her man's feelings and intentions towards her, and not to suffer in doubts and guesses. In fact, it turned out that if she did not pick up the phone, your communication stopped for a long time, you did not look for meetings with her, etc. When did you come to her work - why did you go? Talk about everyday things? You have arrived, this is already your initiative, and in the conversation you had to lead - talk about what is really important for you, solve the most important issue for both of you - your relationship. But there was just an everyday conversation about nothing, what conclusions could she draw? She only made sure that you didn't really need it, since you give up so quickly and do not worry too much about your relationship and your joint future, so over time she communicated with you more and more coolly, most likely feeling resentment and disappointment.
I can also assume from your words that she wanted to be with you, but not in the format in which your relationship was. As she said - I don't want to just live together? Most likely, she wanted a full-fledged family with you, to live like a husband and wife. I don’t know if you have discussed the issue of marriage, but for most women it is still a very important issue. For women, the fact that a beloved man takes her as a wife is important, for her this is confirmation that he loves her, wants to be only with her, that he chose her for a life together and is confident in his choice, wants children from her, is ready become her protection and support. Then the woman internally calms down, she feels protected, she is confident in her man and the future together, and can be calm about her future children. Did you have any certainty about your future together?
Your question, what to do next, can only be answered by yourself, based on what you want. It depends not only on her, but also to a large extent on you. If you want to be with this woman, to raise a child together, to be a family - this is in your hands, do everything in your power for this, show your desire with your actions. If you are not sure that you want to be with her and in general about what you want - also say so openly. So at least it will be honest in relation to your woman, already practically the mother of your child. And both of you will get at least certainty in your relationship and perhaps go to the level of open communication. Decide and act.
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