How to react to the fact that the child. How to react when a child is worried. These may be situations in which the boundaries of the child's behavior are blurred.

"Mom, you're bad" - 5 ways to react Moms, having heard such statements, are most often very scared and begin to swear. Some even punish the child for such words by putting them in a corner or depriving them of sweets and the TV. For mom, this is a disaster. In their opinion, the child has now done almost the worst thing in his life - insulted his own mother!

But such statements from the lips of a teenager and a preschool child are filled with completely different content. And it is unlikely that the baby puts into these words the very meaning that, in the opinion of his mother, is contained in them. But let's leave adolescence to school psychologists, and we ourselves will pay attention to our preschool baby.

In fact, there may be a dozen reasons that prompted the child to say this.

Perhaps now he is trying to tell you something very important, but he does not know or does not know how to do it. The only words he found to express his feelings is "Mom, you're bad!". Maybe he is asking for help or he is in pain; he has another stage in his development or a crisis of three, seven or more years; he set out to spend the evening with dad, and then you came home from work earlier; just wondering how you would react to something like that; the child could have heard such a statement on the street or in kindergarten, or did he want to do something important, and you interfered?

Remember one thing - such statements do not mean at all that the child does not love you and does not need you anymore. He just said something in the best way he could, or repeated what he had heard somewhere. In the first case, you need to understand his message, and in the second, you need to change yourself or smooth out the street consequences. Therefore, there are only two options for how not to react to such words - do not scold and do not punish.

And here are the ways how to respond correctly there may be several. First, exhale and, if you hear this for the first time, congratulate yourself on the fact that your relationship has a new round of development. If this is not the first time this has happened, then think about why and why the child is saying this.

In both cases, try to act in the following ways:

1. First, you can just say - “okay, clearly, I understand”, “okay, so be it” and keep doing your job. If the child tested you for strength, tried a new word, or expected some kind of violent reaction, he will be disappointed and, most likely, will not want to say that again. In general, calmness is one of the most correct options for responding not only to such, but also to other “unusual” statements.

2. Calmly ask with an interested (!) voice that does not break into hysterics: “Why am I bad?”, “Why do you think so?” It is very likely that the baby will answer your question himself, explaining the reason for his anger - I want candy, I want to play and I don’t want to sleep!

3. Help him understand himself: “Are you offended? Angry? You wanted, and I made you clean up the toys?”, “Did you want to be with dad?” In this case, try to explain to the child why he cannot continue to do what he likes, but be sure to tell him when he can return to it or offer an alternative. For example: “We need to go to the store, otherwise we will all be hungry, let me read to you or will you watch another cartoon in the evening when we return?” “Dad needs to go on business, but when he returns, he will play with you again.” Is it worth adding that one's promise must be kept?

4. Show empathy: "Yes, I know what you mean! I also said that to my mother as a child”, “And I would be upset if they called me home from the street so early”, “I can imagine how angry you are.” It would seem a trifle, but children also need sympathy and understanding.

5. Talk about love. It often helps if you add “I love you anyway” at the end of your statement. Or say it instead of all of the above. Sometimes it works flawlessly.

Olesya Garanina

educational psychologist

The last point, but no less important - think about it. Pay attention to yourself, your speech, the way you talk within the family, communicate with your parents. Try to analyze in what situations the child says this, what he reacts to in a similar way. Perhaps you will understand what's going on.

If such statements are repeated very often, and you have ruled out the negative influence of the street and your family doesn’t talk like that for sure, think about the fact that perhaps the child is having something difficult for him, which he cannot cope with, and in order to understand what it is, you need to seek help from a specialist.

Don't be intimidated by statements like this. Use them as a signal to think about what's going on. Now, while the child is small, it is much easier to build a trusting relationship with him and fix something than to wait for him to grow up and the scale of the “catastrophe” will grow with him.

Associate Professor of the Department of Psychology at the National Research University Higher School of Economics and the Department of Child and Family Psychotherapy of the Moscow State University of Psychology and Education, candidate of psychological sciences, family psychotherapist Elena Chebotareva tells.

To begin with, it is worth understanding the reasons for rude behavior. They largely depend on age. However, there is something common for all ages. When a child somehow behaves incorrectly, this first of all speaks of his internal trouble. You need to understand what is behind it. It is advisable to do this as soon as the unwanted behavior begins to appear. In young children, the reason for bad behavior may be more obvious - and it's easier to track what event it was a reaction to.

6 reasons for rudeness and rudeness

Fight for attention. When a child lacks parental love and affection (mom and dad do not respond to good behavior), he tries to draw attention to himself, demonstrating something that his parents will definitely not approve of. In particular, if polite treatment is important to parents, then the child will just show that very rudeness. In this case, adults immediately switch to it, begin to educate, communicate - and the child receives such a welcome, albeit negative, attention from relatives.

Desire to assert itself. If a child does not have enough personal space, independence, freedom, he defends his right to do something with the help of rude behavior. This is more relevant for teenagers. They begin to strive to take an equal position in the hierarchy with their parents.

Manifestation of self-doubt. When parents make excessive demands on the child, expect a lot from him, constantly criticize, saying that he is doing everything wrong, the child also reacts with rudeness. This is a reaction to internal anxiety: “I can’t do it,” “I still won’t succeed,” “Why try if I still do everything badly,” and so on.

Anger and resentment towards parents. Adults also sometimes do wrong and not so rarely offend their children. And children are looking for a way to somehow let know that they are offended by their parents, that they are being treated unfairly. By the way, as for teenagers, no matter how ideal parents are, children will always find something to be offended by, and may believe that their parents do not understand them at all.

Copying someone else's behavior. Young children most often imitate adults, as a rule, parents - they themselves cannot come up with such a way of expressing their feelings and thoughts. Therefore, mom and dad should pay attention to how they communicate with the child and with each other. And start re-educating yourself. In older children - schoolchildren - rudeness can act as an example of a role that they saw somewhere outside the family. For example, at school or in the yard.

Inability to express their feelings in a more acceptable way. In many cultures, people are more afraid of being weak than being aggressive. It seems to a person that if he is rude to someone and receives rudeness in response, it is not so offensive, but if he somehow gently expresses his feelings, then they will not understand him, they will ridicule him. And then it is better to shout than to ask for help, to share something secret.

What should parents do

Immediately declare that such behavior is unacceptable. The coordinated position of all family members is important here. Sometimes it happens that children's unseemly moments of behavior are used by family members to prove something to each other, to fight with each other. As a result, one begins to educate, and the second, on the contrary, to encourage. It can be mom and dad, grandparents against parents and other options. It is important that everyone agrees that it is impossible to communicate in this way, and inform the child about it.

Stock up on patience. It is important for parents to understand that adolescence is not easy and this time must be experienced. As a teenager, you will never be good enough as a parent. But frank rudeness, which is repeated time after time, cannot be ignored. You need to say: "Stop!" For example, like this: “I understand that you are now at a difficult age, I love you and want to help, but it is very difficult for me to understand you when you communicate in this way. Let's express our resentment and irritation in a different way. I am ready to discuss your problem with you, ready to listen to what is happening, but in a different way.

Practice managing your emotions. If parents turn on half a turn, then it is recommended to directly tell the child: “I am now nervous, angry, I need to leave for a couple of minutes to calm down.” Go out into another room, into the kitchen, lock yourself in the bathroom, exhale, try to distract yourself from what angered you. As soon as you notice that the wave of emotions has subsided a little, make a decision what to do now. But do not argue and do not continue the conflict. Often, parents also add fuel to the fire of a quarrel.

Take action, up to punishment, if the child goes beyond what is permitted. It is better to warn about punishment in advance: “If you continue to behave like this, then we will punish you.” This will give the child the opportunity to pay attention to themselves and prepare for sanctions.

Praise the child, if he does something right, calmly or at least expresses his feelings in a non-rude way. This tactic works especially well with young children. But it also applies to seniors.

Recognize your child's right to negative emotions. At the same time, tell them that it’s not worth expressing your feelings in this way: “Yes, I understand your resentment, but you still can’t do this.” First of all, show the child that you understand him, share his feelings, and only then begin to educate.

It is almost impossible to avoid the appearance of teasers in the children's team, but it is necessary to fight them.

​​​​​​​Parents and educators should not disregard situations where children call each other names. The task of the teacher is to stop the appearance and use of offensive nicknames in the classroom. You can talk separately with the instigators, you can arrange a class hour on this topic. It is necessary to discuss with the victim why others call names (take offense at him, want to attract his attention?).

It happens that the child does not understand what he is saying, or does not realize that he is uttering very offensive and offensive words. It should be explained to him that in this way he offends all those present and it is indecent to use such words. Teenagers can be told that people use swearing only as a last resort, when out of desperation they no longer have enough strength and words, and help them change their attitude to difficult situations. For example, one teacher suggested that her fifth graders use the names of dinosaurs or flowers instead of common swear words. You can call a classmate who steps on his foot a diplodocus or a cactus. It will also sound emotional, but much less rude and humorous.

It is useful to play associations with the guys - take turns talking about what objects, animals, seasons, etc. they associate with each other. It is better to start the game in small groups so that everyone can speak out and be in the central role. You can discuss why this or that association has arisen. This game helps to draw the child's attention to which of his qualities are significant to others.

Parents, if a child complains of being teased, should talk to him about how you can and should respond to the call.

Don't react at all(ignore, disregard) This is quite difficult to do, but in some cases it is effective. For example: "Hare, hare!" - calls a classmate. Do not respond until you call by name, pretend that you do not understand who they are addressing. Say: “Actually, my name is Vasya. Did you call me?"

React out of the box. A child who calls names always expects to receive a certain reaction from the victim (resentment, anger, etc.), the unusual behavior of the victim can stop aggression. For example, you can agree with the nickname: “Yes, my mother also thinks that I am somewhat similar to an owl, I see better at night, and I like to sleep in the morning.” Or laugh together: “Yes, we have such a surname, so they teased my great-grandfather.” By the way, parents can talk at home with their child about the fact that often in a team children call names to each other, misrepresenting, distorting surnames, and come up with nicknames. You can remember how they called them names at one time, try to make a new one out of a surname together, determine who will come up with a more original, unusual one, and laugh together. Then it will be easier for the child not to be offended by peers - he will be ready for this.

Explain yourself. You can calmly say to a calling peer: “I am very sorry to hear this”, “Why do you want to offend me?”. One second grader (the largest in the class) was called fat by another boy. To which the object of ridicule said: “You know, something I don’t want to be friends with you at all.” This impressed the aggressor so much that he apologized and stopped calling names.

Do not succumb to provocation. Classmates chased a fifth grade student and called him Masyanya. He got angry and rushed at them with his fists. Everyone ran away with delight, and then started again. The boy was asked to try (as an experiment, such an offer is always readily accepted by children) the next time not to rush at the offenders with his fists, but to turn to them and calmly say: "Guys, I'm tired, let me rest."

Don't let yourself be manipulated. Very often, children seek to force their peers to do something with the help of name-calling. For example, everyone knows the “take on weakly” technique. For all intents and purposes, the child is told that he does not do something because he is a "coward", "scumbag", etc., thus putting him before a choice: either agree to do what is required of him (often break some rules or put himself in danger), or he will remain in the eyes of those around him as a "squishy" and "coward". Probably, of all the situations associated with name-calling, this one is the most difficult. And here it is very difficult to help a child get out of it with dignity, because it is not easy for an adult to resist the opinion of the majority, especially those with whom you will have to communicate in the future.

In this sense, it is very interesting to discuss with the child the story of V.Yu. Dragunsky “Workers crush the stone”, in which Deniska finally decided to jump from the tower, but not because everyone laughed at him, but because he could not respect himself if he had not done so. The child's attention should be drawn to the fact that in each specific situation it is necessary not to rush, to weigh all the pros and cons, to understand what is more important: to prove something to others or to maintain self-respect.

Reply. Sometimes it is useful to respond to the offender in the same way, not to be a passive victim, but to become an equal with the offender.

When another fight happened in the sixth grade and the head teacher asked: “Well, why are you fighting ?!” - one of the fighters replied: “And he teases me. Calls "bald birch"! The boy had the surname Berezin, and his opponent had a hard-to-pronounce Georgian surname, his name was Koba. And the head teacher exclaimed in her hearts: “Well, you tease him, say - “Shaggy Koba”! Why fight something?!”

Maybe teaching this is not pedagogical, but sometimes there is no other way out. True, you can answer not with an insult, but with a special excuse.

Say goodbye. According to the observations of M.V. Osorina, for 5-9-year-old children it is very important to be able to shout out an excuse in response to a name-calling - a kind of defense against a verbal attack. Knowing such excuses helps not to leave an insult unanswered, to stop the conflict, to remain calm (at least outwardly), to surprise and, accordingly, stop the attacker. The last word in this case remains with the victim.

Here are examples of answers:

"Black box office -
I have the key
who calls -
on himself!"

"Chicky-tracks - wall!"

(The child puts a barrier between himself and the name-calling with his hand).

"There was a crocodile,
swallowed your word
but left mine!

"Whoever calls names - he calls himself that!"

"- Fool!
- Nice to meet you, and my name is Petya.

All excuses should be pronounced in a calm, friendly tone, trying to reduce everything to a joke.

Outcast children - the consequences of bullying

​​​​​​​In 1981, American psychologists Achenbach and Edelbrock conducted a study, the results of which showed that “a child’s confidence in his position can contribute to the development of his skills for living in a team, and rejection by peers entails the development of isolation, but not leads to a weakening of those traits by which it is caused. Besides, the difficulty of relationships with peers that appeared in childhood is often a harbinger of emotional distress in the future.

In a number of works by domestic and foreign psychologists, it is noted that unfavorable relationships in the team contribute to the emergence of persistent negative experiences in the child, the disappearance of self-confidence and a decrease in the ability and desire to learn. They are often the cause of early dropout from school. The lack of social recognition and communication is compensated by the search for an out-of-school circle of peers, which is characterized by illegal behavior. Bad relationships in the classroom lead to other negative consequences. Cm.

First, we whisper fairy tales and fictional stories to our crumbs, a little later we are touched by what funny and incredible images the kids are able to fantasize themselves, and after a couple of years we panic, once catching a child in a rude lie ... Why is the child lying? And how to properly respond to children's lies - we will tell in detail.

Where do children's lies "grow legs" from? (True, if you believe the famous Italian Carlo Collodi, it’s not the legs that grow from lies, but the nose ... Although he was still a storyteller!). And yet: how, when and why do our sweet, sincere, ingenuous children suddenly turn into liars? And how should a loving parent respond to children's lies? Let's talk garlic!

Children are we little

To begin with, it is worth recognizing the obvious fact: all people lie. There are no such individuals in the world who under no circumstances would ever dissemble, deceive, and keep silent about the truth.

And children are no exception - sooner or later they begin to lie. But (which is gratifying!) They lie not just like that, but for certain reasons - just like, in fact, we ourselves. And as long as the child has at least one reason to lie, he will lie. You can read him thousands of lectures about virtuous truth and insidious lies, and even - but you will not eradicate lies from the child's behavior as long as he has reasons for this ...

Your task as parents is not to shame your child and force him to tell only the truth in the future - this is generally one of the most stupid parenting mistakes: trying to raise a perfectly truthful child in a world where everyone lies. Your task is to understand the reasons why the child lies to you personally or to other people, and learn how to respond correctly to children's lies.

You still have to grow up to lies!

As psychologists have found out, at different ages children lie for different reasons. Moreover, there are periods when children's lies do not bring harm at all, but on the contrary, they are of great benefit. But the opposite situations also happen - when children's lies and incorrect parental behavior destroy the relationship between children and parents, moving them away from each other ...

So how and when do kids lie? And why - we will tell a little below ...

Psychologists have identified 3 main age intervals that are related to children's lies:

1. From birth to approximately 3 years of age: at this age, children do not know how to lie at all, it is not given to them physiologically. The child's brain at this age is able to keep attention only on one object - and only on the one that the baby saw in reality. Lies, lies (even the most primitive ones) are always fiction, something that does not really exist, and the baby's brain is not yet capable of creating such a "complex" image.
2. From 3 to 4-4.5 years: psychologists call this childhood the "period of positive lies." At this age, the child's brain learns to create images, fantasize and invent something that does not exist in reality - this is how the foundations of abstract thinking are laid. At this stage, lying is just a phase in the development of a child's brain. The kid convinces you that a funny people lives under his bed, and a venerable architect invents new cities - the mechanism of the brain and one and the second is the same in this case. Therefore, in no case do not scold, and do not punish a child at this age for his addiction to writing fables, because it is now that his creative potential is being formed. This is the only age when a lie helps a child - it teaches him, develops and entertains him.
3. From 4.5-5 years and older: it is at this age that the child first begins to consciously deceive and lie. Most often - on everyday, everyday issues (he lied that he did his homework, but he sat down to watch TV; skipped a school excursion, and said that it was canceled, etc.). And if earlier you definitely had nothing to worry about, then starting from the age of 5, a child who lies should cause you some concern and attention. Let's talk about this in more detail.

So, your baby has reached the age of 5, and one day you caught him in a lie. And it’s obvious to you that this is no longer a colorful, magical fantasy about curly forest fairies who supposedly sometimes fly to your balcony. This is a real "gross" worldly lie. And if a sweet fantasy before only touched and touched you, now its lies cause you annoyance, irritation, and sometimes parental anger. As a rule, at the very beginning, children lie about trifles: I forgot the diary at school and had to return (while I was chasing the ball on the field), they didn’t give grades today (and I myself have a deuce “in my pocket”), I had an honest lunch (and I myself fed to the dog), broke the neighbor's window (“it's not me”), my dad is an astronaut (but in fact he is a postman), etc.

Before being indignant and rampant, parents should think: why is the child lying? What prevents him from being truthful? Fear of punishment, shame, alienation of peers, secret desires or something else - children's lies always have specific reasons. By understanding them, and influencing them, you can thereby save your child from the need to lie - not always, and not in everything, but for the most part ...

So, the most common reasons why children lie:

• For fear of punishment. This is the most common reason why a child lies. Are you punishing him for bad grades in school? Scolding for a broken vase? Are you losing contact with your friends because of not done lessons? Having learned to compose and fantasize, the child is now looking for a way to hide his "crimes" from you, in the hope that he can escape punishment.
• For fear of being misunderstood or ridiculed. For example, a 10-year-old boy likes a classmate and would like to treat her to dessert in a cafe, or give her a stuffed rabbit. The child is afraid that you will laugh at him, or simply do not understand his naive affection - so he comes up with a story for you about "raising money at school for new curtains" ... Or, let's say this: you stubbornly force your son to do ballroom dancing, and at school, he lies that he goes to karate - the boy does not receive any benefit from this lie, he is simply afraid of ridicule from classmates.
• Because of feelings of shame or self-doubt. As a rule, it is for this reason that children lie about their parents, about the material status of the family, about the presence of expensive toys at home, etc. The child wants to establish himself in the company of his peers, to seem "cool" or, at least, "no worse than others." The children of workers invent for themselves parents-bankers, scouts and artists ... A child who is ashamed in front of his parents for a failed test lies - they say, the whole class did not pass. A child who cannot climb a rope may lie about having some kind of illness, etc.
• Often children lie fearing an incorrect, tactless reaction from parents. For example, it is easier for a child to lie or keep silent about his poor performance at school than to listen to expressions and assessments from you such as: "All children are like children, and why are you such a fool?" running competitions, fearing your hard-hitting marks in case of failure.
• To get what you want. For example, a child wants to get a new phone model from you - and he lies that the old one was stolen from him on the bus.
• Finally, sometimes children lie out of solidarity or for protection. A well-known story: a child does not want to be known as a sneak among classmates, or tries to shield his friends - that's why he lies.

If we combine all the reasons with one common feature, then we can say that most often children lie, obeying the "instinct" of psychological self-preservation. Thus, the child protects his hobbies, his feelings, his self-confidence, his status. Every child's lies are a kind of line of defense... As a loving and wise parent, remove the "threat" from which the child unwittingly defends himself with the help of lies, and you will gradually wean him from lying...

And finally, one cannot ignore such a “variety” of liars as “pathological liars”. They are also found among children, albeit extremely rarely - psychologists say that in a crowd of 10,000 children, only 2-3 children are such. These children lie always and for any reason, without any objective reason, and, as a rule, they are the subject of close interest of neurologists and psychiatrists.

How to respond to children's lies: instructions for parents of children over 6 years old

First, let's talk about children over 6 years old - about those who, in a year and a half of their lives, have not only “learned” to lie, but also practiced this craft properly. That is, about children who lie already quite consciously and for certain reasons.

As a rule, children have absolutely no reason to lie if their parents are adequate, loving, patient and understanding. The warmer and more trusting relationships in the family (not only between children and parents, but in general between all household members), the more sincere, honest and open children grow up in it. Remember, no matter what happens, you must always be on the side of the child, and not in conflict with him. If a child sees in you protection, comfort, warmth, guardianship and care, then he simply will not have a reason to lie to you - this also fits into the concept of the "instinct" of self-preservation of his personality.

If you see and understand the reason why your baby suddenly turned into a likeness of Pinocchio, there is no other way to make him stop lying, except to eliminate this reason. And often this requires a fair amount of effort on your part.

• If a child is lying because of fear of punishment, learn. Stop deliberately shaming the child, reprimanding him beyond measure, criticizing, and also do not place your ambitions and aspirations on the child. In other words, a child can rudely and constantly lie to you about everything in the world just because you dream of growing a second Nureyev out of him, but he actually likes steam locomotives.
• Never try to intentionally catch a child in a lie - this provocative behavior will by no means add trust and warmth to your relationship.
• Don't lie yourself! Think about it one day, how often do you lie to your child? Lie about why you don't buy him a new toy or new sneakers; about why he can’t go for a walk in the neighboring area; about where the grandmother disappeared six months ago, etc. Or you show him your lie: “Please take off the phone and say that I’m not at home”... And notice that you yourself in these situations cleverly find an excuse for your lies and do not feel guilty before the child... So why then the child should be held responsible if he lies to you?
• Never miss an opportunity to sincerely admire your child - his victories and successes, his creative attempts (drawings, dancing, singing), his intelligence and obedience. And in the same way - support the child in case of failures. And not only in words! If the kid does not go well with mathematics, cheer him up, and then devote a couple of your evenings to studying mathematics for grade 3, shoulder to shoulder with your child.

What to do when babies are just starting to lie

Beginning liars are a special breed. On the one hand, they are still so naive and charming in this new role of theirs, on the other hand, such behavior already requires an adequate parental reaction.

So, at the end of the age period of inventions and fantasies - that is, at the turn of 5-5.5 years - the child begins to actively lie in small things. Psychologists call this stage of growing up "household lies."

Why a child lies at this age is not so important yet, often he still cannot “attribute” any special reasons to his lies. He's just playing. Surely, you are familiar with this picture: in front of the eyes of the parents, the child dropped the bowl from the table, and it broke. “Why did you do this?” the child asks. And he smiles and says: "It's not me." For you, a lie is obvious, but for a child it is a kind of game. He probes the ground, finds out what limits lie has, to whom, how and in what situations he could lie, and what will follow ...

In other words, for the personality of a 5-year-old child, lying is a new skill, a new field of knowledge, and he is actively studying it. Naturally, at first, he studies with the help of the game. Lies and looks - it worked or not. He doesn’t want to go to bed during the day, insisting: “I already slept today, even twice!” It is very important here that your reaction is not negative: refrain from swearing, punishing and lecturing, keep calm.

While the child is only “learning” to lie (and this is a very short period - only about a year), it is very important to keep him in a certain balance: in half the cases, children's lies should work, in half they should not.

Thus, you must either believe the child (even with the most obvious and absurd lies), or not. In this case, the child will not form stereotypes about lies (grandma always believes me - you can easily lie to her). A child at this age practices lying and groping for its boundaries - and your task as a parent is to prevent the formation of these boundaries.

The very first time, as soon as you are faced with the fact that the child lied to you, you need to agree with him. Let your child know that you believed him, even if you know exactly what happened. Next time you must not believe the child. And express it to him, but in a calm and tactful manner.

Friendly tell the baby that you don’t believe him, that you know for sure that it was he who broke the cup, and not the neighbor’s cats, but talk to him in such a manner as if you don’t really care too much. So, balance between “I believe” and “I don’t believe”, while your baby studies in detail this facet of communication - lies.

By following these simple rules, you will achieve the ideal attitude of your child to lies. First, the kid will dream up plenty, developing abstract thinking skills. A little later, at the age of 4-5, he will learn to lie and practice a little: he will learn what the reaction to a lie can be, understand the difference between truth and fiction, learn to recognize lies from other people. If he didn’t have this skill, it would be difficult for him in his future life - in a world where all people lie from time to time, at least in small things ...

But your tact, love and care will create conditions under which the child will be able to lie, but will not use this ability - he simply will not have reasons for this.

Let's imagine a situation: a child completes a writing task, it is difficult for him and nothing works out, his chagrin grows. The eraser now and then slides over the notebook sheet, and now the pen crosses out everything with increasing force. "I'm so dumb," he finally mutters. He thumps the table with his fist and loses his patience. "You're not stupid, my dear," you say soothingly. He crumples the paper and yells, “No, I'm dumb! I'm stupid! I'm the worst!" You grab your head. Maybe he's just dramatizing everything? Does he really think he's stupid?

How to respond to a child's negative self-image

When a negative statement about oneself leaves the child's mouth, your reflex reaction, as a rule, is to stop him, calm him down and convince him of the fallacy and injustice of his conclusion, and the direction of thoughts in general.

Unfortunately, the child's words may correspond to what he really feels about himself. He does not consider himself "attractive" and "wonderful" (as you consider him to be); he thinks he is "dumb", "stupid", and "the worst kid in the world".

Instead of trying to “fix” such a depressing situation in one fell swoop, try using the suggested techniques and methods, which consist in responding to the feelings of the child underlying his statements and to his internal struggle.

• Be compassionate and show empathy. Put yourself in your child's shoes and try to understand how he might be feeling right now. "This writing assignment is so difficult, isn't it?" or "Yeah, you seem really upset." If you can't think of the right words, try simply responding, "It's so hard" or "Let me hug you."
• Be curious. Some children find it difficult to put their problem into words, but when you start exploring the situation together, it becomes easier for your child to understand what is really bothering him. Ask: “I wonder why this task makes you make mistakes” or “Is the whole task so difficult or just some part?”.
• Rephrase. After you have studied the situation, try together to come up with a few phrases to describe it. Instead of the phrase “The letter is hard for me. I'm stupid" your child might say, "I'm working so hard on the letter" or "Mistakes are part of learning" or even "Mom, I'm so upset about this assignment."
• Solve problems together. Resist the urge to suggest a solution or direct your child to an answer that seems right to you. Better work together as a team. Sometimes there is no easy fix or quick fix because the answer is, “I have to keep practicing” or “I am working towards a goal.”
• Question and challenge your child's negative thoughts. Feelings come and go. They do not define our lives. Your child may feel unattractive, unworthy of love, but feeling something is not the same as being that way. It is possible to have learning difficulties and not be stupid. Talk about times when your child went through something difficult and felt confident or uplifted.
• Have short conversations. Don't decide everything at once. You seek to help your child, but it is not always easy for a person to accept positive, reassuring, soothing words at a time when their mindset is negative. Set yourself up for some resistance at first, especially if your child isn't used to seeing things in a different light.

What else can you do to help a child?

Create an atmosphere of support and encouragement using the advice on tolerance (resistance) to frustration.

• Let's have a choice. Let your child have the opportunity to make their own choices throughout the day, such as clothes, food, or where to do homework. Praise him for a good choice and avoid criticism. If you give your child a choice, keep your negative opinions to yourself.
• Accept imperfection. Everyone makes mistakes, even parents! React to mistakes with a light heart: “Oh! Milk spilled! Let's kick him out!" Model healthy ways to deal with upset and frustration, apologize after yelling at your child, and admit your mistake if you misunderstood.
• Focus on the good. Instead of nitpicking or constantly paying attention to what needs to be changed, corrected or cleaned up, learn to differentiate between the important and the unimportant, to let go and not to "take over". A good rule of thumb is: make five positive statements for one negative one.
• Encourage independence. Children need their parents to help them make the right decisions or stay focused, but sometimes the constant guidance of the parents indirectly makes the child understand: “You can’t do this on your own.” Therefore, be interested in the opinion of the child and allow him to suggest solutions.
• Appreciate perseverance. Focus on small steps leading to success, on overcoming obstacles, and on getting closer to your goal. Phrases such as “You are really working hard on this assignment” or “It took a lot of effort from you!” will help your child see the benefits of the process itself, and not just the end result.
• Teach your child coping skills. Introduce your child to various coping skills, the ability to calm down with deep breathing, positive thinking, and useful phrases that he will mentally say in a difficult situation. Practice these skills often so your child is ready and knows how to deal with upsetting situations and dark thoughts.
• Seek help and support. If you have been working with your child for an extended period of time to overcome negative thinking and his negative statements about you, but you still hear them, consider getting help from a child psychologist. If your child threatens to harm themselves or others, seek help immediately.

Now let's imagine a new situation: you meet your child's eyes, see his puzzlement and say with sympathy: "This task is one disorder." "Yes," he replies. "Can I help you?" you ask. With a shrug, he says, "Do it for me." You both laugh. It certainly doesn't make the task any easier, but at least you can talk about it without hearing the word "stupid".

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