615
Parents who are expecting the birth of a baby often worry about how the eldest child in the family will receive him. Therefore, they pay attention to the issue of preparing for the birth of the youngest. And they have hopes for a wonderful relationship that their children will have in the future. Happy smiles, mom's joy, beautiful photo shoots, family idyll. And what happens in life? Reality and important advice from a psychologist and mother of two children Elena Sadovnichenko.
More often than we would like, parents are faced with the unpleasant behavior of the elder in relation to the newborn baby. We have to admit that sometimes things don't go as expected. Instead of an idyll, a rather tense situation develops. Periodically arising incidents with jealousy of the elder to the younger is a new life that parents have to endure and somehow cope with it.
And even if in an incident with jealousy they can smooth out the peak of the conflict, they do not always understand what to do next?
How long will it last?
What words to find for an older child so that he relaxes and is not jealous?
To do this, you need to understand what happens to all participants in the conflict of jealousy.
What happens to the older child?
No matter how parents wish for their older child boundless and unconditional love for the baby, sometimes they have to deal with disturbing, frightening manifestations of jealousy. As a rule, this is “strange” behavior that is difficult to explain or covered (open) aggression.
In an older child, you can observe:
- Games in the "lyalechka" or behavior like a small child.
- Walking behind mom on the heels and catching her everywhere.
- Refusal to listen to mom when she has a baby in her arms.
- Refusal to help parents in what the child had previously willingly participated in.
- Tears, tears, tears...
- Reasoning and suggestions on how to get rid of a new child.
- Increased aggression towards all family members, in the kindergarten, on the street.
- Tics, enuresis, allergies, lip biting, nail biting, burr picking, thumb sucking.
The reason for all this set is the stress of separation from mother (parents) because of the new baby, which is difficult for a child to bear. Mom sees that something is happening with the older child, but sometimes she is unable to help him with anything other than hugging and being alone with him for a while.
What's going on with mom?
It is tuned to the needs of the most defenseless and smallest person. And the new baby, without knowing it, stands between the mother and the older child.
Mom notices how the older child is different from the baby. And she sometimes involuntarily, unconsciously, sometimes from fatigue, has permission for herself to swear at her elder. Expect understanding and participation from him as an adult.
The requirements for an older child may suddenly increase, and it will be believed that he could be aware that it is difficult for his mother. It would be nice for him to obey the first time, to keep quiet when the baby is sleeping, not to ask questions when the mother is feeding and rocking the youngest child. The tension grows, the elder does not want to participate, help, or understand, and my mother often loses her temper, breaks down on him.
In addition, the mother can observe:
- Less involvement in the life of an older child.
- Less quantity and quality of attention for him.
- More expectations and claims to it.
- Disappointment in ways to achieve peace in the family
- Increased anxiety in relation to the behavior of jealousy in the elder.
- The desire to isolate the baby from the older child.
The reason for all this set is the overstrain from the new reality, to which mom has only to adapt. The older child feels the mother's changed attitude towards him and can accept this as a lesser significance for the mother. In most cases, older children are jealous of the mother for the baby.
Typical jealousy behavior of an older child
The behavior of a child's jealousy can be seen not only by the fact that he behaves badly or inappropriately. There are certain signs by which you can determine that the older child lacks closeness with his mother.
Jealousy is a feeling given by the brain to a child so that he changes his behavior so that his mother notices him. With injections of jealousy, all the forces of the brain are thrown to catch the attention of the mother. Receive any encouragement or reprimand, create a situation in which the mother will be forced to distract herself from the baby and contact the older child. This behavior is called "desiring and striving for intimacy with mom at all costs." It arises when a child is faced with the danger that they may stop loving him, love him less when another child appears.
And this is what an older child can do in an effort to get closer to his mother.
Hide “I’ll leave you altogether! Stay with this child! He slams the doors to the room, pouts over trifles, does not resolve conflicts, but sits in the room behind closed doors and sends everyone away. Forces the mother to explain, apologize, beg the child not to be offended, etc.
Look for contact "Mom, stay with me!", “Mom, have you already done everything? Mom, are you done yet? Mom, are you free already? Sticks, sticks, waits, controls. Mom gives herself as much as she can. And when she begins to be torn from the impossibility of doing everything, the child receives the necessary attention in screams, breakdowns, mother's curses at him. So what, that attention is with a minus sign, but attention is the same!
Grow up quickly “See how big I already am!” He catches approved actions and begins to do what is not characteristic of his age. For example, wash the dishes, clean the apartment. She does it not to learn, but to be praised by her mother.
Get small fast. The child begins to lisp, like a small one, intrusively, for a long time, annoyingly. So that mom would pay attention and take it on her hands, chat, lisp with him in response. Or stops doing what he already knew how to do before the birth of the baby. For example, he demands that he be fed from a spoon, but he himself does not eat in any.
Humiliate yourself “I'm nobody now. Nobody loves me anymore. Why am I needed like this ”Usually appears when a child has done something and has been scolded. It can take a severe form when neither words nor explanations can prove to the child that he is valuable and that he is loved no less.
Exaggerate yourself. “I am the eldest. Yes, if I want to. Yes, I can do everything. Yes, you still look who I am. The child puts on a mask of grandeur to get the desired approval from the parents. Prove to yourself and everyone that he is not an empty place.
Mirror. The child begins to copy those whom mom and dad approve of. Heroes, animals, other children. So he hides from jealousy and pain. By copying others, he seems to be approaching the ideal that mom and dad definitely accept, sympathize with him (he heard this and knows for sure).
Look for a location. When a child looks into your eyes and says, “Mommy, what else can I do for you? Do you want it? Do you want that? How about I bring this to you?" And mom agrees. So the child asks for approval and praise.
All these reactions of the child activate the parents to pay at least some attention to him. This behavior is built into a person to encourage another to respond to it. Because it is impossible to NOT respond. The brain of a child has a simple logic: To be loved, you need to do one of these actions (described above) and then they will notice me and begin to love.
Such reactions can be fixed in the character of the child if he used them for too long to get the attention of his mother (parents). What should parents do to prevent the older child from using this behavior?
Gentle Solutions to Older Child Jealousy
Remember that the older child became the eldest only in the family hierarchy. This did not automatically add responsibility or concern to him. This must be taught to him, taking into account his age and maturity.
Minimum changes in the life of an older child. It means that you need to leave everything as it was in the rituals and communication with the elder. The same plans, the same Sunday dinners, the same hikes with dad, etc. Life for him should not be sharply divided “before the baby” and “after the baby”.
wind up talk about the temporality of mom being busy. About the temporality of being too noisy. About the temporality of the fact that the baby is given more attention and admiration.
Woo children to each other. “Look at the eyes of the baby - like yours!”, “I really want our baby to be as cool as you”, “I'm sure the baby would like to tell you that he was lucky to be born in a family with such a brother how are you”, etc.
giving hold, sniff, hug, change clothes, bathe, drink some water, teach something.
Don't insist that baby is everything bound to love. Love does not tolerate an imperative mood. This older child decides for himself.
Highlight every day time exclusively for senior child. The easiest thing is to read at night.
Get ahead of the older child in desire contact with mother. When you see that you have 1 minute of time - go cuddle the elder when he does not expect it from you. Not every time, not all the time. But sometimes!
Unexpectedly arrange leisure walks for seniors so that he does not know what will happen now, what will happen now. For you, this can be burdensome. But remember about the conversation about the temporality of what is happening. This will not need to be done all the time.
stay alone with older child. Talk, shut up, laugh, fool around.
Mom is busy connect dad, grandmother and those who are available. But do not entrust all the care of the older child to someone for a long time. This is not the way out.
Play games playing the child's emotions. Chase, pursuit, hide and seek, lost children, animals, ambush, monsters attack. And in each of them there is only one end - contact with my mother, who caught up, found, saved.
Please don't give in to the temptation compare children. Acknowledge the existence of negative feelings and actions as well as positive ones.
Good therapeutic fairy tales on the topic of jealousy.
Don't Say You Love Your Children Equally! Everyone wants to be loved in a special way, not like others. "You are the only son of Sasha in the whole world. You are the only daughter Masha in the whole world. No one can take your place!"
Do all this with love and respect for the dignity of the child. Remember that an older child cannot fully control their jealousy behavior. Jealousy happens to him. It is an unplanned feeling and behavior based on it.
Where does childish jealousy come from and how does it develop. How to know if a child is jealous. Ways to deal with jealousy of the youngest child, one of the parents, stepfather or stepmother.
The content of the article:
Childhood jealousy is a phenomenon familiar to almost everyone since childhood. Zealous behavior towards younger sisters or brothers, friends, one of the parents or grandparents is a manifestation of the fear of losing the attention of the object of jealousy. First we experience it ourselves, as children, then we face the problem already in our children, as parents.
The mechanism of development of children's jealousy
Jealousy is the fear of dislike. So the child is very afraid that an important person for him (in most cases, mother) will give his love and attention not to him, but to someone else. Most often this happens when replenishing the family. And not necessarily at the expense of the second (third, etc.) child. No less jealousy can cause the appearance of a “new” dad or a “new” mom, if before that he was raised by one parent.
One way or another, but the appearance of a new family member disrupts the usual alignment of life. Including the life of a firstborn or a child who now has both parents. And it's not so much about changing the daily routine or everyday nuances. Most often, children's jealousy in the family develops as a result of a change in priorities - now our hero is not in the spotlight, he has a competitor.
And if the child is not prepared in advance for such a situation, his first reaction will be bewilderment. He cannot understand why the new family member is better than him, why he is given so much attention. The unresolved problem of adapting to new conditions can transform bewilderment into rejection, which in turn will push the baby into a struggle for attention, which can manifest itself in many ways - from unconscious and harmless pranks to conscious disgusting behavior.
Important! If you do not put the child before the fact, but carry out preparatory work with him, the mechanism of childish jealousy may not start.
Reasons for the development of children's jealousy
As already mentioned, children's jealousy can be multidirectional - to a younger brother or sister, to friends, to mom or dad, to relatives, and even to educators or teachers. The main thing that unites all objects of jealousy is an important role in the life of a jealous person. Therefore, the causes of jealous behavior in children can be conditionally divided into 2 categories: external (independent of the child himself) and internal (formed taking into account the characteristics of character, upbringing, state of health).
The external causes of child jealousy include all changes that occur in the life or composition of the child's family, which shift his authority. This may be the birth of a baby, the beginning of a joint life of a mother with a “new” dad, or, conversely, the appearance of new students in a group or class, and new friends in a company. More capable or brighter. If a child is very attached to his grandparents, the arrival of other grandchildren to them can make him change his behavior.
It is very hard for a baby to experience the emergence of new (half-brothers) or sisters when his mother or father creates a new family with a person who has his own children. And not the fact that this new object is really better and gets more attention. But it is difficult for a child to see and understand this.
Another external factor that has become increasingly important in recent years is work. It is very difficult for children to realize that their parents devote much more time to this incomprehensible “work” than to them.
The main internal causes of childhood jealousy are as follows:
- Egocentrism. This position is typical for children under the age of 10-12, when they quite sincerely consider themselves to be the center of the universe. Therefore, the child positions any “newcomer” in the family or company as a replacement for himself, expressing this with negative emotions and protests. He is not ready and does not want to share with someone attention, love, authority, which were previously intended only for him.
- Responsiveness. Often children react with jealous behavior to a lack of attention, considering this an unfair attitude. In the family - when most of the child's requests are postponed or ignored due to employment (younger child, new relationships, work). His desires are postponed or not fulfilled at all, and he hears the words “wait”, “later”, “not now” more and more often. This causes him fair indignation, because he is also worthy of attention. The feeling of unfair treatment can also be caused by situations in the company of friends when the child is openly used. For example, they invite him to play only because of toys or a bicycle, they pay attention only when he has a new toy. Or clothes, a gadget - if we are talking about schoolchildren.
- Unwillingness to take responsibility. This reason is more typical for a situation where a child becomes an older brother or older sister. The title of "seniority" is rarely perceived by children as a reward or privilege. Rather, as additional responsibilities and duties instead of the additional attention they so need.
- Inability to express feelings. Children who do not know how to express feelings of love and affection in the usual ways (affectionate words, "hugs", etc.) use the technique for this: "Jealous means love." And, remaining alone or out of sight of their parents (friends), they attract attention to themselves with insults and defiant behavior.
- Increased anxiety. A child who doubts himself, that he is loved, that he is worthy of love, is in constant anxiety. In all events, the baby is looking for his fault: a brother was born, a friend did not go out for a walk, his grandmother did not come to visit, he will come up with a lot of explanations. Far from the truth, but necessarily associated with it, with its shortcomings (imaginary). And here you need to remember that the child will not become anxious on its own - these are gaps in education. The duality of the requirements of parents can lead to this: for example, today curiosity is good and informative, tomorrow it is bad and annoying.
- Creation of competitive conditions. To instill in a child a feeling of jealousy for a brother or sister, a certain tactic of parenting can be used when competition is created between children. He was the first to eat soup - he got a candy, he was the first to put away his toys - he went for a walk on the street, he was the first to learn his lessons - you can watch a cartoon or play on a computer, etc. Or the opposite approach: if you didn’t eat the soup, you were left without sweets; if you didn’t remove the toys, you were left without them, etc. Such a selection of one child as “good” in any way gives the other the status of “bad”. And breaks the relationship between children. Sometimes for life.
- Feeling helpless. It happens that the roots of childhood jealousy grow from a simple feeling that the child is unable to influence the situation. He looks at his competitor (new friend, new dad or mom, younger brother or sister, cousin or sister) and cannot understand why he is better. At the same time, he cannot justify this and somehow influence the choice of an important person for him. He feels powerless and therefore angry. Due to the same egocentrism, not understanding that love can be different - for children, for soulmates, for parents, for friends, and therefore - independent and quite compatible.
The main signs of childhood jealousy
Manifestations of a jealous attitude towards the object of their love in children largely depend on the strength of this very love, personality traits and the reaction of parents to this. Therefore, they will not necessarily be stormy and defiant. The child can experience everything deep inside. That is, the signs of childish jealousy can be divided into obvious and hidden.
Obvious manifestations of jealousy in children include the following behavioral reactions:
- Aggressiveness. The most common form of expressing one's "ardent" feelings for a competitor. This may be a physical impact (if it concerns the "children's" category) - fights, the desire to pinch, push, take something away. Generally hurt. Or emotional pressure - resentment, teasing, name-calling, the desire to slander, incite to something bad, substitute. Or both methods together.
- Hyperactivity. Vigilant parents should also be alerted by the excessive activity of the child, which had not been observed before. A pet moved off the pedestal changes the tactics of its behavior in the form of compensation for a feeling of uselessness. At the same time, the newly-made “Zive” not only does not want to calm down, but also refuses food, daytime sleep, recently favorite activities (walks, toys, meetings with friends or relatives, playing with a pet, etc.). He is moody and cannot concentrate on one activity.
- Neurotic reactions. In very sensitive children, the response to a zealous attitude to a change in their status in a family or company may not be behavior, but a reaction of the nervous system. For example, hysteria, stuttering, nervous tics.
- Anxiety. The negative accumulated and held back inside, resentment, misunderstanding still break out, despite the outwardly calm child. It can be sleep problems - restless, interrupted sleep, difficulty waking up or getting up. The digestive system can also react - with poor appetite, digestive disorders, a change in taste preferences. The psyche is also connected, returning old fears and inventing new ones. School performance may also suffer.
- Mood change. A clear sign that a child is experiencing a stressful situation is a change in his emotional behavior. If a previously cheerful and active baby suddenly becomes sad, passive and whiny, this is a hidden urge that he needs help and attention.
- Departure from independence. Very often, older children begin to consciously "unlearn" and "not be able" to do what they did on their own before the arrival of a new family member. A child's view of the world tells him that if he becomes like a baby, to whom his mother now pays so much attention, then she will devote the same amount of time to him.
- Deterioration of health. Internal experiences can also affect the health of the child - he may often suffer from colds or suffer from exacerbations of chronic diseases for no apparent reason. Or he may use simulation or injury to get attention.
Important! Jealousy of a child is his emotions, experiences that he can take with him into adulthood, thereby greatly complicating it. Therefore, it should not go unnoticed.
How to deal with childhood jealousy
The most effective method to return the child "to the family" is to restore his confidence that he is still needed and loved. This can be done in a variety of ways, depending on why he is jealous and how he demonstrates it.
How to deal with childhood jealousy towards a younger child
If the birth of a baby is the reason for the change in the behavior of the child, try to correct the situation using the following methods:
- Prevention. So that children's jealousy at the birth of a second child is minimal or does not arise at all, you can use the method of preparing the first-born for replenishment in the family. To do this, initiate him into the mysteries of the development of the unborn baby (without fanaticism), let him stroke his stomach, listen to how he pushes, talk to him. Patiently explain why a pregnant mother can no longer play so actively and take her first child in her arms. Show your child his photos and videos when he himself was a baby. Try not to aim the older one at the fact that he will have much more fun with the younger one. Children have a poorly developed concept of time - it is difficult for them to realize what will happen someday. Therefore, a helpless baby born can be a disappointment for an older brother or sister who was counting on a full-fledged play partner. To avoid such a reaction, tell the firstborn that he was also small, did not know how, but eventually learned. But he did not have such a good older brother (sister) who would help him learn the fastest and most fun. Invite or go to visit a family where there is already a baby - let the child see for himself how touching and funny he is. Pay special attention to preparing the firstborn for the fact that the mother will be absent for several days (for the period of stay in the hospital).
- Communication quality. Naturally, with the birth of a baby, neither dad nor mom will be able to devote as much time to the first-born as was given to him before. Therefore, try to translate quantity into quality. To cope with childish jealousy, allocate a certain time period - “the time of the older child”, when nothing and no one will interfere with your communication. Let it be half an hour a day, but all this time mom will be only with him. So make it a ritual. It is better if this time is before bedtime - during this period, children are more receptive and open. Communication at this time should be as pleasant and trusting as possible. You can build it in different ways: it can be a fairy tale, reading books or discussing the past day. In the latter case, make it a rule not to compare the behavior of the elder with other children, especially with the younger. Help analyze his behavior, find the best ways to resolve certain situations. If possible, preserve the daily routine and existing rituals as much as possible.
- A real look at the role of the older child. The main task of parents is to make an assistant out of the first-born, not a nanny. This is especially true for children with a small age difference. Therefore, involve the elder in helping to care for the baby adequately, taking into account his real capabilities and desire. Entrust him with trifles that are insignificant for you (choose socks or a hat for a walk, roll the stroller a little, shake the rattle, bring a bottle, etc.), presenting them to him with a very important task that you cannot do without his help. And be sure to encourage for initiative and help, so that the first-born feels his importance and need.
- Ability to listen and explain. Take time to listen carefully to the firstborn, his feelings towards the current situation. Convey to him what you see, what is happening to him, and understand why. If the child does not make contact, you can use the method of active listening. That is, say all his feelings out loud. Even if he still does not speak, he will hear you and be aware of the sensations you have voiced. Using the same method, direct his feelings in the right direction - his parents still love him and appreciate him, no matter what.
- Benefits of seniority. Remind them that the firstborn not only has certain responsibilities to a younger sibling, but also benefits. For example, eating ice cream, watching cartoons, playing on the computer, running, jumping, etc. Just do not overdo it so as not to get the opposite result. In the presence of the first-born, try to talk about the baby not as your son (daughter), but as his brother (sister), aiming at how good he (she) is (good). So the older child will gradually develop a sense of pride that he has a super-brother or sister. Which means he's great too.
- Suppression of aggression. Watch the behavior of both children, not allowing to offend each other. It is especially important not to give a discount to the youngest because of his age - he also needs to be explained that it is not good to offend the elder. Do not punish or encourage one child to the detriment of another - find compromises. Then the children will not compete with each other and will learn to sincerely rejoice at each other's successes.
How to deal with child jealousy towards one of the parents
Often, jealous behavior is also manifested in relation to mom or dad, even without the appearance of a brother or sister. In this case, the child is not ready to share the love and care of mom and dad, or vice versa.
Here are some ways to respond to childhood jealousy of one of the parents:
- Belief. Try to explain to the child that love for him and love for a husband (wife) are different feelings. They do not replace each other and can coexist perfectly. And you have enough love and attention for everyone.
- Compromise. If the child shows aggression or is naughty when you pay attention to your spouse, do not remove your husband. Do not let the child understand that he is more important. In the family, everyone is equal and everyone equally deserves love and a good relationship. Try to involve the jealous person in joint actions: the husband wants to kiss you, and the child, seeing this, is hysterical - offer them to kiss you together; if you want to lie with your husband on the couch together, and the baby is desperately crawling between you - let him in with joy and watch a cartoon together or read a book. Connect dad to the process - let him remind you in moments of childish jealousy that he loves both mom and child.
- Abstraction. In a situation where no persuasion and tricks work, and the child cannot calm down, create a comfort zone for him. Walk up to him, hug him, kiss him, play with him. If necessary, take to another room. And only when you see that the emotional position of the baby has changed, you can gently talk to him about what happened.
How to deal with childhood jealousy for a new dad or mom
The subject of children's discontent may be a new family member of a different kind - the new husband of the mother or the new wife of the father. And often the infusion of a new person into the environment familiar to the child is far from painless.
To mitigate it, use a few psychological tricks:
- Training. It is necessary to prepare a child not only for the appearance of a younger child, but also for the fact that a new adult will live with him. To do this, they need to give time to get to know and get used to each other. The best way to do this is to organize periodic meetings. First, on your territory with a mandatory warning about this child. Then, when your child gets used to the new dad, you can expand the area of communication by going to the park, circus, cinema, skating rink or outdoor recreation. A very effective tactical step during such an event would be to leave the future stepfather and child alone for a few minutes. That is, to give them the opportunity to communicate without an intermediary and gain more trust. The next step will be partial relocation, when a man sometimes stays overnight after spending the night with you and your child. And only after that, if the child does not object or even offers it himself, invite your man to live with you on permanent terms.
- Authority. Even if your child is prepared and has accepted a new chosen one, this is not a reason to “relax”, especially if you have a boy. Although girls are also not very easy to accept the replacement of their own mother. Now for a new husband or wife, the main thing should be gaining authority from your child. And this should not be unquestioning obedience only by age gradation - children should obey adults. Dad or mom are not just adults. This is higher - authority, a role model. To achieve such a “title” in the eyes of a foster child, you need a little: to fulfill the promise, to be able to explain the cause-and-effect relationships of certain actions, to adhere to the introduced rules, to be sincerely interested in his life, experiences, hobbies, to be able to support him even with failures and mistakes.
- Neutrality. Make it a rule not to interfere with the feelings of the child in relation to the new chosen one. Reassure him that the new dad is not taking anyone's place - he will have his own. And not only you need it, but also your child, because it can become a good friend, protector, helper. And you have enough time for everyone. But do not ignore the situation when the child is trying to point out the wrong stepfather. Understand, but neutrally, without taking sides.
- Communication. No matter how much the wave of new feelings overwhelms you, do not leave the child alone. Try to pay attention to the new husband or wife without prejudice to him. Until the situation in the family stabilizes, the baby takes your attempts to retire very hard, especially outside the home. He perceives this as a removal and considers himself superfluous, unnecessary. And in this case, one should not expect great love for the stepfather.
Important! No matter how much you are carried away by a new relationship, you must not forget about motherhood. Now you are not just a woman, but a mother. And this is primary.
How to deal with childish jealousy - look at the video:
Childish jealousy is an illustration of the fear of losing their world full of love and attention. It cannot be ignored - it must be fought. But most importantly, you need to notice it and choose the right way to solve the problem so that your child grows up as a happy and self-confident person.
Many parents who have two children of different ages, sooner or later faced with the manifestation of strong childhood jealousy. And almost all mothers and fathers do not know at all what to do in such a situation. We answer: in no case do not ignore. Try to understand the causes of jealousy and act gently but persistently.
The youngest child appeared in the family
The first attacks of jealousy usually occur when the older child, after the birth of the younger one, begins to feel less loved: it happens that the older child tries to harm the little brother or sister in some way, and the parents are even afraid to leave him alone with the baby.
To avoid this, psychologists usually advise preparing the older child for the appearance of the younger in advance, especially if he himself has not yet asked to give birth to a brother or sister. Psychologists advise as often as possible to tell the older child that his parents will love him and his future brother or sister equally strongly. In addition, you should also talk about the positive aspects of the new status of your older child: that with the birth of a baby, the older one will have a new friend who will always be with him, and with whom he will have fun and not be lonely. Tell your child that a younger brother or sister is the real gift from life.
In addition, the child needs to form an idea of \u200b\u200bhow babies look and behave so that he does not think that he will suddenly have a smiling peer friend, and not a screaming baby.
Be sure to call the older and younger child different diminutives and nicknames. Don't give or give toys or things from an older child to a younger one without permission, especially things that the younger one is used to. When punishing older children for being mischievous, think of the same job for them so that none of them get the impression that since someone has an easier job, that one is their parents' favorite. If a younger child is in bed with you, invite the older one as well. Tell both children how much you love them, and that both of them have your soul and meaning in life. Do not set an example for your child of your other child: if you want to set someone as an example, then let it be other people's children. If you praise the first child for accomplishments and accomplishments that the second child doesn't, be sure to praise the second child's accomplishments and accomplishments. Tell your kids that everyone is good at some things and not so good at others, and that's perfectly normal.
After the birth of the youngest child, ask the guests to first chat with the elder and bring a gift for him, and then go to look at the baby.
It is very important not to leave the baby alone with the older child at first - even if the older child loves him very much and does not express out loud anything like jealousy. The child may simply try to feed the baby adult food out of good intentions or try to get him out of the crib. Do not show the child that you were afraid when you saw his desire to take the baby in his arms: thank you for the impulse, for the love for your younger brother. This is important so that the child does not think that you do not trust him with a younger brother or sister. Invite him to help you with something else, such as fetching your brother's socks or opening a package of diapers. Read together with an older child (and later with two) fairy tales where there are brothers and sisters, watch films.
If the younger child burst into tears or tore the drawing of the older child, gently tell the baby in the presence of the older child: “Here you are crying and don’t let our Vanya do homework”, “You can’t tear Vanya’s drawings”. Turn on a home video where you can see that your older child in infancy also constantly cried, lay on his arms, and so on, so that the elder is sure that he received all the same in his infancy.
If you feel guilty because it seems to you that you are paying more attention to one of the children, this is normal - all good parents feel guilty and, most likely, your feelings are exaggerated. It takes your love, patience, and thoughtfulness to make each child feel loved.
What NOT to say to an older child
1. Don't turn your child into a responsible adult. Phrases like: “You are now an adult, you must, must now behave like an adult, be quieter, do not interfere”, thus you are depriving your baby of childhood;
“We can’t buy you this toy, because now you have a little brother, and mom and dad don’t have money for such expensive toys,” do not let the child conclude that some of his desires are not being fulfilled, that he is in what -something is limited due to the fact that he has a little brother.
2. Give the older child his personal space, so you once again show that with the advent of a baby in your life, you do not infringe on him in anything. Therefore, such phrases are unacceptable: “Well, give him your toy, he’s small” or: “You must give your crib to your little brother,” especially if the eldest is barely three years old, when the violation of personal space is perceived very sharply.
“Well, let him break your tower of cubes, is it difficult for you to build a new one?”
3. Never compare your older child to your younger one. Saying to him: “Your little brother always eats what he is given, and you need to beg” or: “Even a small child does not behave like you,” you seem to emphasize that the youngest child has priority in the family compared to senior.
“Don’t be selfish, be quiet, he’s sleeping!” - the child may try after a while to start making noise on purpose after such a phrase.
You need to show the older child that you treat him and the younger one the same, and such phrases can greatly change his attitude towards the newborn and arouse jealousy.
What to say to your older child
1. Explain to the older child that the increased attention to his younger brother or sister is due solely to his helplessness, and not to the fact that he is more loved. “Look how little your little sister is. You were also so small, and my dad and I also rocked you in our arms, and you also cried at night. All the little ones cry at night." Phrases like this are for your older child to understand that he, too, was at that age and was just as well cared for as a younger one.
2. Gently encourage your child to take care of his younger brother or sister so that he feels like a significant member of the family: “Look, your little brother is sleeping. So, we will not make noise in the room, but we will play together in the kitchen. Dad and I don’t run around the room and scream when you sleep.”
“Do you want to let your little sister play with this bear? The bear is bored that he is sitting on the shelf and no one is playing with him. And Masha will play and give it back ”: offer to give up the toy, but do not insist, and even more so do not demand if the child does not want to give away his things. Don't forget to let the older child play with the toys of the younger one.
Emphasize the love of the younger for the older: “Look how your brother loves you, he smiles at you”, “He waved his hand at you”, “Look, he even crawls after you, not after me.”
“He didn’t break your tower on purpose. He is still small and does not understand that he did a bad thing, and he still does not know how to make such beautiful turrets as yours. Let's build a new one."
“Do you want to play with me and dad while grandma takes a walk with Masha?”
“So great that you wanted to feed your little sister! But it is too early for her to eat cutlets with potatoes. So far, she only eats milk from her mother's breast.
Signs of an older child's jealousy and feelings of loneliness
1. He or vice versa is too active. It’s not so bad if the child directly told you: “You love me less than him!” - in this case, you can immediately talk to him calmly and explain that when he was little, you also took care of him, that you love both children and are upset because you have to hear such words.
2. He tries to draw your attention to himself in different ways - not only strives to be obedient and show good results in class or study, but, on the contrary, refuses to obey, acts hooligan, does something to spite you.
3. He often asks for a stroller to the younger, asks to rock him on the handles as a younger one or breastfeed, give him a pacifier or a pot. In this case, just give him what he asks - the child will try and understand that he no longer needs it and calm down.
4. He tries to hurt the younger, especially when you ask him not to.
Of course, at first it is difficult to follow all these recommendations and maintain friendly relations between children in the family, while not forgetting to pay attention to her husband. But then, when the youngest child grows up, the friendship of your children for each other and for you will be the best reward for your efforts and your pride in life.
Olga Ananyeva
“Something you look too affectionately at Barsik. As if he is your beloved daughter, and not me ”- children are jealous so funny and naive that we adults do not take this seriously. Nevertheless, the childhood experience of jealousy is very important! It depends on him how a person learns to manage this feeling in the future and what he will receive from him: benefit for his own development or sheer torment.
May 18, 2015 Text: Svetlana Ievleva· A photo: GettyImages
The topic of childhood jealousy is considered relevant when it comes to the relationship of brothers and sisters. Here it is obvious, clear, manifests itself dramatically and lasts a long time. It emotionally affects parents, so it’s simply impossible not to pay attention. Other cases of jealousy are not so noticeable, but they are nonetheless many. Children are jealous of mom to dad and vice versa. Jealous of both of them to work and friends. The grandmother is jealous of her other grandchildren, neighbors and grandchildren of these neighbors. They get jealous when a friend in the sandbox moves to another team of builders and when the teacher says too often: “Oh, what a good fellow Petya! You should all take a cue from him." Children are generally jealous. In general, even more jealous than adults - simply because of age egocentricity. They feel that they are part of any relationship between their close people (“If a grandmother praises someone else’s child, it means she doesn’t like me,” “if mom comes home late from work, it means she’s better there than with me”), but they still don’t know how to take the situation logically. Parents who do not pay attention to such “nonsense”, believing that everything will pass by itself with age, make a big mistake. Their children become very jealous adults, suffering from their own feelings and haunting others.
vital feeling
Jealousy refers to negative emotions, but in reality it is simply necessary. Its primary function is self-preservation. Creatures weak, vulnerable must feel the loss of attention to themselves and return it in order to ensure their survival. That is why manifestations of jealousy can be observed at a very early age: if a mother starts talking on the phone while breastfeeding, the baby is already starting to get nervous. Dissatisfaction is even greater if someone from the family enters the room. Some children even refuse to eat and cry, wanting their mother to stop all extraneous activities. Growing up a little, they begin to make sure that mom and dad are not too “carried away” by communicating with each other, they can stop attempts to hug, kiss, sometimes they don’t even allow them to hold hands, invariably standing between their parents. "I'm here - take care of me. Because I am small, weak, in need of continuous care. You never know what can happen while you are looking at each other here ”- this is approximately the message of the zealous behavior of young children. Of course, getting older, everyone understands perfectly well: nothing bad will happen if the attention of a loved one is lost for some time. Neither mom nor dad will forget about their parental responsibilities, even if at the moment they are passionate about work or chatting with friends. But jealousy still remains - to a greater or lesser extent - and persists for life. Why is it necessary for adult independent people who do not need guardianship at all? To maintain one's position, to provide social security. Feeling jealous, we understand that something is wrong in our communication, we strive to figure it out and fix everything.
“I myself am very jealous, and my son is the same. “That's it, Maxim is no longer my friend: today he played cars with Misha, but they didn’t invite me. I won't talk to him tomorrow." It hurts me the most when I hear that from him. But I already know that just jealousy in itself does not give anything. “Come up with a new game and invite them to play together tomorrow, then everyone will be interested.” The next day, the child was just happy: “Mom, we played together all day!”. “You see,” I told him, “and you were going to be offended all day.” Galina, Leva's mother
The behavior of a child in a state of jealousy can be very different - depending on his character, family relationships, situation. Some children do not do anything specific, but start to behave fussy: they walk around, rearrange objects, open and close doors, start looking for some toys. “I don’t understand anything,” my mother says, “he just calmly worked on the designer, so I decided to call you. Well, let's talk another time - I'll go see what he rustles there. Mom enters the room, and a minute later the child sits down again and is engaged in the designer. In this case, the feeling of jealousy was not very pronounced - just at the level of anxiety. In this state, a person (both an adult and a child) simply looks and listens, and does not seek to attract full attention.
“We often go to the doctor with little Masha all three of us - the eldest child is also at home. I’m just starting to talk about Masha - how she sleeps, what she eats, how she holds her head, - Pavlik immediately interrupts. Once I took him an album and pencils, so as not to interfere with the conversation. Exactly a minute he sat quietly and drew, and then how he screams: “Mom, look, I drew how I pee in a flower bed!” The doctor laughed, and I was terribly ashamed. I had to justify myself and explain that this was a joke. Surely everyone thought that the child did not know how to behave. Elena, mother of Pavel and Masha
Sometimes a significant component of jealousy is resentment, and in this case the child closes, becomes depressed, sad. Five-year-old Ksenia was very happy when a neighbor girl began to come to their house: her grandmother agreed to look after her sometimes. However, after a week these visits began to bring more problems than joy. The girl did not play with Ksyusha, but she had fun with her grandmother with might and main: she taught her grandmother's songs in French from dictation, played with her in two hands on the piano. “A wonderful child, you can envy her parents. Really, Ksyusha? Grandma said one evening. But Ksyusha did not hear: she had been sitting in the closet for an hour already, weaving a braid from scarves and imagining how upset her grandmother would be when she discovered that her own granddaughter was not in the house. How she would regret spending time on someone else's child, while her own was suffering so much. How he will repent, and how he will cry, and how he will look for his beloved granddaughter until the very night. Grandmother found Ksyusha quickly (the closet had been a favorite place for offended children since her own childhood), but she nevertheless understood her mistake. She told Ksyusha that she loved her more than anyone in the world and that no, even the most talented girls could replace her.
When jealousy is a strong feeling that a child cannot cope with on his own, he strives to do something unusual, something that will surely attract attention (on purpose he will scatter toys, climb into the mud, hit his sister). Because even punishment for misconduct is better than indifference!
Learning to be jealous
Parents definitely need to learn to "see" jealousy, understand it from the behavior of the child and find the cause. But then this reason must be - no, not eradicated, but preserved! If we exclude all situations of jealousy, then in the future it will only be harder for the child, because he will still have to face it in life.
“I am the only and long-awaited child in the family. To the question "What is the name of the daughter?" my parents didn’t just say my name, but always added: “Because she is our best gift.” The attitude was exactly the same - as a jewel. But I realized this only at the age of six, and before that I had nothing to compare with. I heard only compliments and praise, did only what I liked. My preschool education was at home, and before school they began to take me to a training group. I was shocked... by everything! From the fact that the teacher praises other children, from the fact that they make comments to me, from the fact that the boy with whom I sat for the first week asked the teacher to transplant him (he said that I was fat and took up a lot of space). I cried all day and decided not to go anywhere else at all. Thanks to the teacher - she understood what the problem was and helped me get used to the team. To be honest, even now, at thirty, I am very worried if I do not feel attention. On the one hand, this makes me constantly improve, achieve something, and also work on my character, on the other hand, I continue to suffer from jealousy. I will try very hard to make my daughter have a correct perception of life. You can’t think that the world revolves only around you.” Darina, Anya's mother
The situation of the manifestation of jealousy by the child should be treated calmly. However, it is worth bearing in mind the emotionality of children and the fact that their self-esteem before school age is almost entirely dependent on adults. That is, the child really feels bad when he hears how close people admire someone else. What to do? Immediately say something good about him, in the form of a positive comparison, his expectations associated with him (“Olya, when she grows up, she will also study well - she is still very inquisitive”). Sometimes, if you see that a child is having a hard time coping with feelings, you need to talk, kindly and frankly. “I know you think we love our brother more. In fact, it is just very small and cannot live without us at all. When you were like that, we spent even more time with you.” But the main thing is to show warm feelings more often, both about (praise for success, for the ability to behave well), and without it (stroking, touching, calling affectionate names, expressing delight, making compliments).
