When I got out of a difficult relationship, I mentally held on to them for a decent time. That is, I understood that there would be no point, but it still seemed to me that I could fix something.
When the fog of euphoria cleared, I began to see all the psychological characteristics of another person. Deep down, I always knew them, but, like most of us, I was confident that love is capable of anything that a person can change.
I searched for articles on the topic of addictions, character accentuations, the nature of infantilism and manipulation, and so on and so forth. She threw it on her page, showed the person: “Look here, look! Here's what's going on! In you, this is how everything is arranged in you! "
Can you guess what I got in return? That's right, aggression and "she's a fool." How do you want? What you point your finger at hurts the person. All special behaviors are psychological defenses against mental wounds. These are strategies of behavior developed over the years, which allow one to exist relatively comfortably in the world without being integral individuals.
Now I can say with confidence that a person can change. A person can really change. But only in one case (read carefully!) - WHEN YOURSELF WANTS IT.
You probably think that you will become the very motivator for whom, for whose sake, in spite of which your loved one wants to change? Do not flatter yourself. Your influence is no more than the weather outside the window. They may adapt to you, take an umbrella in case of bad weather, but change their beliefs, and even more - the structure of their personality - for the sake of clouds outside the window ... Are you in yourself?
Now, if the person himself suddenly ceases to be satisfied that during the rain he is sad, and in the heat he suffers .... When he himself gets tired of that he is deeply unhappy, unsuccessful, that life is not going the way he wants, or something else ... Or, what God does not joke, in a dream, an insight will visit that “I’m somehow shitty living” ... Then that's all Maybe.
But you will already be far from the epicenter of the explosion ... And it would be better for you to be far away so that it is not covered with a blast wave ... Because admitting that “I myself was the cause of everything in my life” is a very difficult test. As a rule, the cause of failures is assigned to the one who is near ... Or was near ... While that person will still go a long way to understanding with whom everything begins in our life ... If he wants to go ...
Donald Walsh wrote that "the best we can do for a man in love is to provide him with a large portion of ourselves." This is not anger, not revenge, not "look how you will be without me." It is a calm conviction that everyone has the right to be so and to be with what he has in himself. Even the fact that you are temporarily (and this is always temporary) in a couple does not give you the right to change the other person.
We are responsible only for ourselves. We are born separately from each other and will leave on our own. Each of us has our own life and purpose.
Your will only applies to your life. And there is no need to pretend to be the Lord, thinking that you have the right to influence the fate of another person. Leave the other alone, take care of yourself.
Psychologists have a principle - not to solve the client's problems without asking. Yes, in fact, without a request, he has not yet become a client. Therefore, you should also follow this golden rule of the universe: “You should not interfere where you are not asked,” I emphasize, an adult, mentally healthy (and it is not for you to judge his health) person is able to deal with his problems or ask for help. if it cannot solve them.
Become the creator of your destiny - this is the best thing you can do in life. If someone needs to change next to you, this will happen. You will become a motivator by the very fact of your realization. If your path does not attract or inspire another person, then this is great - he obviously has his own path. And with you will go those whose paths lie near yours.
How to understand that love has passed and that you should part?
If there is a crisis in a relationship, you need to figure it out. It is important to understand what binds you and to realize that love cannot always be as strong as in the beginning. Many people part when the inspiring feeling and passion pass.
About such couples, people say "it's impossible together, and apart in any way." Partners need each other like air, because individually they lose the opportunity to throw out dissatisfaction. And, being together, they torture themselves and each other. Is there a way out of the vicious circle? When there is nothing left to save,. But if you try to understand the situation a little earlier, you can understand that everything is not hopeless. Just 6 steps will help you get out of the impasse.
Don't be afraid to be alone
It's not about preparing for parting, but about the necessary minutes when you can be alone with yourself. A self-sufficient person is never bored. He does not need to urgently seek communication. Once alone, overcome the urge to immediately call your partner. Leave the space around you empty and stay with your own thoughts.
At first it will be unusual, you will want to switch to the external, talk with someone. But in your case, information about yourself is more important, learn not to drown out your inner voice. This will allow you to accept yourself. The more strength there will be to move on.
Take a step towards yourself
This does not mean that he will be from a partner to a breakup. Turn to yourself, remember your own desires, about what you once wanted to do. Think about which areas of life are not dependent on your partner, and start paying attention to them. It can be playing sports, learning languages, movies or weaving macramé - the main thing, only your experience.
You will become less disappointed in him when he again fails to live up to expectations. Because disappointment in others is just a projection of your own failures. This will prepare you for the next step.
Take charge of your life
“You were late at work, and we were late for the cinema”, “You were busy again all weekend, and we did not go to visit your parents”, “You forgot to set the alarm, and we overslept for work”. Sound familiar? There are many mutual reproaches in our communication. Anything that doesn't work out according to plans, we immediately look for the "extreme". Single people are often guilty of the government and mythical "they", and in couples it goes to the partner.
Learn to solve problems yourself. Start small. If you want to watch a movie, you don't have to wait until your loved one has time. Just go and see. You will see that there will be fewer scandals in the house at once, and new topics will appear as a bonus. Moreover, once you learn to take responsibility, you will be able to independently control the changes in your life, and, paradoxically, you will no longer control your partner. This is the next step.
Stop being a mom to your husband
So what if you have known each other for 20 years, and all this time it seems to you that he is not even able to get ready for work. Forget grandma's sayings about a husband and wife, that he is, they say, the head, and you are the neck. Nothing like this. And the fact that you have been taking care of him for many years does not mean that he will disappear without you.
Stop perceiving him as an extension of yourself, even if his tastes are studied up and down. Maybe it's time for you to get to know each other again and find that he doesn't really like the blue shirts you buy and your signature pie. In business language, instead of mergers and acquisitions, build partnerships. To be a full partner, take a look at the next step.
Maintain your dignity
When we get into a difficult relationship, we forget about the sense of dignity in the first place. It is placed on the altar of mutual humiliation. The next time you feel like squealing and banging dishes, remember this sacrifice. Perhaps now she is not needed, and you can get out of the situation without losing face. Also, don't let your partner humiliate you.
You will see, it is worth just a few times to deviate from the scheme, as you yourself will begin to respect yourself more. And without this, it is impossible to achieve respect from a man. Even if you interrupt the entire festive service for 12 people. Try to let go of negative emotions. But even if love stands the test, don't rule out step six.
Find new meanings in life
The biggest mistake is trying to center your life around one person. We feel like we are doing a noble thing by dedicating ourselves to caring for our partner. We take care of him and do not notice how we begin to strangle him in this ring. Instead of gratitude, we get discontent and attempts to break out of the "cordon".
Therefore, put thoughts of your partner aside and make room for new achievements. It is best if they are related to your growth and success. New job, career takeoff, education. But even if you do not know how to do anything else but take care of others, you can, for example, do charity work. Your second half will even get bored and ask you not to forget about him in your daily worries.
A way out of a painful relationship is possible. And if it seems that the only way is to break them, you can untangle the knot by pulling one thread at a time, working on yourself.
"The acuteness of feelings (screams, discontent, hysterics, jealousy) are taken for love, -
Second advice.
The words of this person are at odds with the deeds - and strongly.
“We all sometimes need someone who inspires us and helps us look to the future with hope. And if the person next to you has a completely opposite influence on you, if his words are constantly at odds with his deeds - well, apparently, it's time to end your relationship with him. And it's better to be alone than in such a company. True is the strongest of vows, silent, unwritten, but unbreakable. Don't listen too much to what other people have to say. Take a look at what they are doing. There are not so many real friends in the life of every person, but sooner or later you will find them.
Third advice.
You caught yourself trying to get someone to love you.
- Remember once and for all - it is impossible to make someone love us. And we shouldn't beg someone to stay if they want to leave. This is the essence of true love - freedom. But life does not end with the end of love. And know - although love sometimes leaves us for some reason, it always leaves something behind. And if someone really loves you, they will never let you doubt it. Anyone can enter your life with the words "I love you", but only those who tell the truth are ready to stay in it and prove how much they love you. Sometimes, in order to find this particular person, we have to try, but it's worth it. Is always.
We should add that the behavioral tendency, accompanied by the fact that you have to "force" to love yourself, has childhood roots and should also be resolved with a psychotherapist for a consultation, which you can sign up for on the website.
Contact a psychologist via the Internet - for free
Fourth advice.
Your personal relationship is based on physical attractiveness only.
- Beauty is not only about the appearance that makes people look after you, or how others perceive you. This is what we live for. What defines us. What is hidden in the depths of your heart, and that, adds to our uniqueness. What makes us who we are are all these little quirks and oddities. And those who were attracted only by your cute face or beautiful body, if they stay close, it is unlikely for a long time. But those who discern the beauty of your soul will never leave you.
Fifth advice.
Your trust is constantly betrayed.
- Love is when you give someone a chance to hurt you right in the soul, but you trust so much that you believe - this person will not do that. And this can end in only one of two things - either this relationship will last until the end of your life, or you will remember this lesson for a lifetime. But any of these options are actually positive. You will either make sure that the person you have trusted is worthy of this trust, or you will get the opportunity to rid your life of him and look for another. And in the end you will understand who is worth what, and who is the only one who is ready to risk everything for you.
It is also worth adding here that a person is always predisposed to trust. If there is no trust, then tension arises, which has consequences:
- permanent;
- uncontrolled.
If trust is lost, then it is impossible to learn to trust alone. Trust can only be learned in relationships. This can be done in two ways:
The cost of psychologist services
- enter into new relationships and allow yourself to be trusted;
- enter into a psychotherapeutic relationship (start psychotherapy) so that the therapist teaches you to trust yourself and your new (future) partner.
Sixth tip.
You are constantly underestimated.
- Know your worth! When you strike up a close relationship with someone who doesn't respect you, you tear off a piece of your soul that will never grow back. For all of us, there comes a time when we should just give up and stop chasing some people. If someone wants you to be in their life, they will find a way to leave you there. Sometimes you should just let go of the person you are chasing and admit that you do not like his attitude towards you. If he wants to leave, let him go. Sometimes it's easier than trying to hold on. Yes, we find it difficult and painful ... until the moment we do it. And then we ask ourselves, "Why didn't I do this earlier?"
Seventh advice.
You never speak heart to heart.
- Sometimes a quarrel can save your relationship, and silence can destroy it. Chat with people. Speak with them heart to heart, from a pure heart, so that you don't have any regrets afterwards. You did not come into this world to be happy, but to be honest and share your happiness with others.
Eighth advice.
You are constantly required to sacrifice your happiness.
- If you let people take more from you than they give, your balance will become negative much faster than you imagine. Try to understand when to snatch the credit card of your life out of greedy hands. It is better to be alone, but keep pride, than to remain in a relationship with someone who constantly requires you to sacrifice your own happiness and self-esteem.
Psychologist consultation - cost
Ninth advice.
You really don't like your current situation, lifestyle, work, and so on.
“It's better to fail at something you really enjoy than to succeed at something you hate. Don't let someone who has given up on their dream rob you of yours. The best thing you can do with your life is to walk it in obedience to your heart. To risk. You shouldn't take the path of least resistance just because you are afraid of what might happen. For on this path nothing will happen to you at all and never. Take risks, make mistakes, learn from them - it's worth it. Yes, climbing to the top of the mountain is not easy, but when you get there, you will realize that it was worth every drop of blood, tears and sweat spilled.
Tenth advice.
You understand that the past does not let you go, and you continue to live it.
- Sooner or later you will forget about the heartache, forget about what caused you to cry, and those who hurt you. Sooner or later, you will understand that the key to happiness and freedom is not in power, and even more so not in revenge, but in letting life go its own way, and learning everything you can from it. After all, in the end, the most important chapter in your life will not be the first, but the last one in which you will understand how well your whole life story has been written. So let go of the past, free yourself, and open your mind to opportunities that bring new relationships and invaluable experiences.
The only thing that you should never let go of is hope. Remember what you deserve and keep moving forward. Believe me - one day all the pieces of the mosaic will come together. Your life will be filled with happiness and contentment, even if not quite as you imagined. And then you will look back at your life, smile, and ask yourself: "How did I manage all this?"
We feel bad, we suffer, every cell of our body feels this pain, we don't want anything else, nothing pleases, does not interest, does not attract ... All thoughts are only about him (her): “Lord, my wife has left, what to do, how to live on ? " or "He left, and my whole life collapsed in an instant ..."
Parting with a loved one is pain, this suffering, this state, as if your heart was ripped out and carried away with you, the feeling that your whole world is crumbling, leaving nothing behind, only emptiness, despair, a dead end ...
Many of us are capable of the most reckless actions at such a moment. A burning resentment pushes to take revenge at any cost, deceived feelings - to repay in the same coin, hopelessness - just to commit suicide, throwing his (her) life in his face.
We feel bad, we suffer, every cell of our body feels this pain, we don't want anything else, nothing pleases, does not interest, does not attract ...
All thoughts are only about him (her): "Lord, my wife has left, what to do, how to live on?" or "He left, and my whole life collapsed in an instant ..."
Like a robot, I do my daily work, but inside there is only emptiness and pain that spills into my pillow at night, and dreams only about those happy days when we were together, I again smell his smell, the touch of his hand, his gaze, and waking up again I am going through parting with a man who was everything to me. I don’t understand what happened, I don’t know how I should live now, but the main thing is how can I force myself to let him go ?!
BREAKING THE RELATIONSHIP: THE PSYCHOLOGY OF A BROKEN CUP
Experiencing the most negative states, we still do not fully understand what hurts, where is the source of suffering and how to relieve this pain.
Women go to tears, men go to wine or work, and we all try to run away from ourselves, blaming our partner, circumstances, relatives, bosses for everything, or by self-flagellation. Time becomes the main medicine for us, but there are cases when this does not help either.
Who are the people who can end a relationship and disperse, like ships at sea? Can you become like that?
Why is the psychological suffering of a breakup so painful in full physical health?
How to get out of an emotional impasse without a load of resentment and a shattered heart?
The real understanding of the psychology of breaking up relationships is based only on knowledge about the innate psychological properties of both partners in each specific case.
For any person, parting, a break in relations is painful, but there are people for whom this break is just a catastrophe and is experienced especially acutely, exerting a strong effect on the psychological state of a person, manifesting itself either as a grave resentment that affects the rest of his life, or as an emotional breakdown. depths, after which only complete emotional emptiness is felt, reminiscent of a scorched desert. These are people with anal and / or visual vectors.
Each of them experiences a break in relations in their own way, according to the innate qualities of the psyche, and for each of them there is a mechanism for getting out of the negative state.
I FEEL, IT MEANS - I LIVE
The greatest pleasure, as well as the greatest pain, is brought to us by people, especially the closest and dearest person. We all experience emotions of varying degrees of severity, but there are people who need emotions like air. Feelings are everything for them. These are people with whom Yuri Burlan talks about in detail at the training "System-vector psychology".
Parting for the most sensitive vector - the visual one - is a huge stress, since it is associated with the loss of an emotional connection. The severance of relations becomes a deprivation of the opportunity to realize natural needs in emotional contact. This leads to an increase in deficiencies and an imbalance in brain biochemistry, which feels almost like physical pain, and sometimes even worse.
Rich imagination and a tendency to exaggerate paint the most dramatic scenes and find the most incredible reasons for breaking up. It is the visual people who tend to try to commit suicide, leaving emotional suicide notes, the “last” but actually requiring viewers to call a former partner on the phone, an e-mail message in which all feelings are poured out, and the like.
A gradually growing resentment begins to occupy almost all the thoughts of an offended person, significantly reducing all his chances of getting a full-fledged realization in society, which means joy and pleasure from life.
A deep understanding of your own qualities and their true purpose makes it possible to realize them in a different direction than focusing on the offense.
Of course, a break in a relationship is a strong blow to the psychological state and it is almost impossible to maintain control over oneself in an acute period, but the main thing is to know for sure that an excellent memory is given to you to store knowledge, the ability to detail - to create an ideal product of your thoughts or hands, high concentration of thought is for professional analysis and conclusions, but not for inflating in oneself a destructive resentment and living over and over again such painful moments as parting with a loved one.
All your abilities and qualities can be applied constructively, but not destructively, as an offense, the main thing is to understand this.
Yes, it hurt, yes, it was, and yes, I will not forget this pain, but I will not let it rule my life, because I am the master of my own destiny, and it’s up to me to decide how to live on. And I am sure that a new day will come, which I can consciously and deliberately start from scratch and meet the person with whom I will be happy. Let not today and not tomorrow, but this day will surely come.
Experiencing memories and focusing on resentment is also a kind of filling lacks. There is quality, it tries to fill itself, in any way, even elementary. However, the satisfaction of each property can bring both a small temporary pleasure and a full-fledged pleasure - it all depends on the method of realization. Realizing his own qualities in society, in a creative way, observing the fruits of his activities and having a well-deserved recognition for his work, the representative of the anal vector gets the fullest and most powerful pleasure from his life.
Realizing this, you do not focus on the offense and do not give it leverage in your life, because there are things that are more important to you, more worthy of your attention, memory and thoughts.
Only consciously, you will be able to get away from gloomy thoughts, from the desire for retribution, and the negative state of "not given", "cheated" to get in another area that fills you more intensely than revenge for the offense.
NEW PSYCHOLOGY: A RUPTURE OF RELATIONS IS POSSIBLE TO EXPERIENCE!
Breaking up with someone who was dear to you is a great pain for any person. Even though the whole world now seems to you black and hostile, you do not know why it happened, who is to blame and what to do now, how to live on. It seems to you that your heart is left with the one who left, and you are no longer capable of feelings.
It is when you feel the worst that you can discover new things for yourself, you can get the knowledge that will help you get out of this state and understand what happened to you, which prevented you from building a reliable and lasting relationship. Find out why you are in such pain now, but the main thing is what to do to relieve this pain! And continue to live fully.
Training "System-Vector Psychology" by Yuri Burlan is a look inside yourself, inside your life, your relationships. This is an opportunity to consciously change your state for the better and still find your happiness, no matter how illusory it may seem today.
Proofreader: Elena Gorshkova
The article was written based on the training materials “ System-vector psychology»Copying of articles is prohibited 🚫! All articles are copyrighted!
Dependent relationships are one of the most challenging topics to work with. Today we'll talk specifically about destructive addiction.
To begin with, I want to make it clear that any relationship involves addiction. This is natural and normal. The question is how this dependence is compensated. Does he love you? Or do you only love? If this relationship takes more than it gives, then it's worth considering.
For example, if you depend on your husband's money, then this is a normal and absolutely healthy relationship. In fact, it's okay to depend on a man. In a healthy relationship, a man takes responsibility for a woman and solves problems. A man feels strong when someone needs him. Here, the dependence is constructive, because it is she who makes a man decisive, responsible and strong, and teaches you obedience, acceptance and trust. It's the right, healthy relationship with the right roles. It is ineffective to compete with a man and show who is more successful in a pair, smarter and more agile. You are a team! What kind of competition and struggle can there be?
In the article today we will consider another type of addiction - destructive emotional addiction.
For the most part, destructive dependent relationships (hereinafter RZO) I met most often (but not always) in free relationships, i.e. the girl clearly understood that it was worth keeping away from this man, but she could not put an end to it and could not refuse him voluntarily. Relationships were slowly killing her, destroying her. She began to think badly of herself, to blame herself for everything. If he refused her (basically, this is what happens), then she began to have the deepest depression.
If you are in a relationship where a man does not appreciate you, humiliates you, does not plan a joint future with you, does not find time for you at all, comes only for sex - in one word, he behaves unworthily with you, and you, in turn, are very dependent on him emotionally, love him and are afraid of losing him, then this is a destructive addiction relationship.
In a nutshell: he behaves disgustingly, but you continue to love him, forgive and regret. Unfortunately, such a relationship can last for years.
I myself was in a dependent relationship. Of course, I idealized the man, and all the time I justified him, pitied and forgave him. It seemed to me that he is the busiest man on the planet, and that he is now in a difficult period. And I was this impatient, bad girl who demanded daily calls and meetings at least once a week. Then there was a break (or rather, the man just disappeared) and I fell into the deepest depression. At first I put on a few pounds, then I got very sick and lost weight to 44. Then I started having health problems due to stress. It was very difficult. It was not an easy year. But after that relationship and realizing my dependence, I became free. It was these relationships that turned my worldview upside down. It was then that I clearly understood that a man should solve problems, and not create new ones. I realized that I was worthy of love, attention, care and more.
- First of all, stop idealizing the man. For a month, just watch him, his actions and how these actions correspond to his promises. Just analyze how much he calls you, how often he comes, what gives, where you eat, where you walk, how often his words and promises coincide with reality, what emotions generally prevailed in you during the entire period of your communication. Was it worth a few happy meetings during these months, those experiences after each meeting? Was there more happiness and joy, or was there more stress and excitement? Why is a period of observation and analysis necessary? If you have ever been to RZO, then you know how hard it is to just pick up and disappear, not pick up the phone, not answer his messages and not see each other again. Precisely in order to avoid disruptions, I recommend to direct all my attention during the month to his behavior and evaluate his efforts (if any). Just watch him very closely. Don't decide or find out - just check, ask about something, ask, be interested. In short, gather information. How much does he strain for you? What are you ready to do? If you get sick, does he come to you with gifts and medicines? Or is he busy all the time? How much of it is in your life? Does he help you solve your problems? In fact, this is not a very pleasant experience, since there is a meeting with reality. And it's hard.
- You need an example of the right couple and family to get out of Free Relationships (hereinafter CO) or RZO. Analyze the families in your environment. Choose a couple that you think deserves to be a role model. Try to communicate with them more. And start analyzing how a woman and a man behave, how they interact with each other. How he talks to her, how she reacts to him and so on. If there is no pair, find it. If, indeed, it is necessary, then you will do your best. This task is key - you need living examples of normal relationships, otherwise you can again fall into the trap of CO or RZO, but with another man.
- Don't complain to your girlfriends about him. Don't complain to your mom. To sort out a relationship, you need to exclude interested viewers. Believe me, they will only harm. Please do not ignore this point.
- Don't be afraid to ask your man uncomfortable questions. If after the question “Why haven't you called for a week?”, The man does not know what to answer, or simply tells something far from reality, then keep asking questions and asking why it is so difficult to answer. Most of my coaching clients have big problems with uncomfortable questions. It seems to them that by asking an uncomfortable question, a man will leave them or think badly of them. But the whole truth is that by not asking such a question (and he is torturing you), you are betraying yourself. You are stepping on your throat for the sake of fear of losing what, in fact, you do not have yet. I can give more examples of uncomfortable questions: “We have been meeting for a year now. Why don't you introduce me to my parents? "," How much do you earn? "," What kind of girls write to you in WatsAp? " Are you afraid that I will hear something? "," Are you married? If not, can I somehow check it? ”,“ Show me your documents, please. I want to know your last name and first name (there are different situations in life) "," Why do you call and come so rarely? " etc. If you think these questions are absurd stupid or "and so clear", then I will answer that I have real and very sad situations of clients for each of these questions. And they would not have happened if one of these questions had been asked in a timely manner. And it was asked in such a way that it would be impossible not to answer.
- Start loving yourself the way you deserve it. Read about it in more detail in the section of the site "How to love yourself." And you should also have a lot of hobbies (not related to work) and hobbies. They will distract you during a difficult period.
I have formed one rule: before you devote yourself to a man, learn as much as possible about him. Men, at the initial stage, need to be checked, otherwise they will not appreciate you (of course, not all). When you understand what kind of person is in front of you, only then begin to trust him with all your soul, follow him, believe in him and do not doubt him and your relationship for a minute. But a man must deserve it, he must appear.
When you check a man and ask him questions, he begins to understand that you are a girl who knows her own worth. And he begins to behave more respectfully.
If you feel that your relationship is complex, incomprehensible and dependent, then I highly recommend reading 2 books (they can be easily downloaded on the Internet):
- Marilyn Monroe syndrome. E. Macavoy, S. Israelson.
- He just doesn't like you. Greg Berendt, Liz Tuccillo
These are fundamental and incredibly interesting books.
Also, if you have a desire, you can sign up for a consultation with me, and I will help you get out of Free Relationships or RZO:
[email protected]
Be sure to leave a comment. If the article was helpful, then support me by sharing it on social networks.
