- Well, he promised that we would always be together, and now ... - my friend Asya was offendedly rubbing tears on her cheeks with her fist. The love of her life publicly confessed his love to his ex-girlfriend and returned to her, despite all Ashina's efforts. Why did he do this?
There is an opinion that men and women are people from different planets and will never understand each other, but there is an opinion that in the end we all, regardless of gender, want the same thing. So where is the truth and how to understand why a man did this and not otherwise?
You just wait
Asya met her lover a long time ago, back in her merry student years, when she and her friend traveled all over Russia, taking part in journalism competitions and forums. At one of the forums in the distant city of N, she saw a short snob in a carelessly tied scarf, littering with barbs right and left. When the snob approached Asya, he, of course, also could not resist the impulse and did not joke about her diminutiveness, giving her the name "Thumbelina".
They continued to communicate on the Internet. The great distance between the cities made itself felt: everyone had a relationship, and the correspondence became rather friendly. But during rare meetings on business trips, they were inexorably drawn to each other. Maxim (that was the name of our hero) communicated well with Asya's girlfriend - Tanya, who invited him and her friends to celebrate the New Year at her place. Naturally, Asya was also invited.
It is unlikely that Asya's presence was a surprise for Maxim, but he arrived with his girlfriend Daria. The last fifteen minutes after the start of the celebration was completely forgotten and abandoned - Maxim was flirting with might and main with Asya, who was in seventh heaven with happiness. The next day, Dasha, realizing that there was no need for her presence, silently packed her things and went to the station. For two magical weeks, Maxim and Asya were a real couple in love. The girl did not look for a soul in her beloved. That's just to talk and designate their relationship, no one dared. Soon Maxim went to his hometown. Asa had no face: she did not sleep and did not eat, she languished and worried in anticipation of every contact with her beloved. And the young man then appeared, then disappeared. She went to visit him several times, where Maxim introduced her as his girlfriend to all friends, acquaintances and even her mother. But then, after Asya's visits, he again began the policy of a telephone partisan.
Once Maxim did not get in touch for a month. Based on the entries in his LiveJournal, it was easy to understand that he was not sick and the aliens did not abduct him: he leads an active lifestyle, participates in all events, but for some reason he does not find time for Asya. The girl cried into her pillow at night and went headlong to work. And at one fine moment she firmly decided and told us that she would be faithful only to him, like Conchita from the opera Juno and Avos. She rejected all the courtship of other gentlemen, and one fine day she still waited for his call. The light of her soul announced into the phone that he was going to her, his beloved Asya, and he would also have to speak at the same forum a couple of times, but this is not an end in itself, the main thing is that they will see each other! Upon Maxim's arrival, they constantly made love, he brought her coffee in bed for a week, carefully pushed back his chair in a cafe, had small talk with her friends, held her hand in the movies and kissed her tenderly at every traffic light. Asya was in love and happy. And only we - envious shrews-girlfriends - noticed some kind of catch in personal communication with a couple.
Maxim left, and Asya again could not find a place for herself, missing her beloved. Three days after his departure, she decisively dialed the number - the young man did not pick up the phone. Two days later, she found on the social network on the page of the aforementioned Dasha an inscription made by Maxim: "I love only Dasha!" Asya was sincerely perplexed and, rubbing her tears with her fist, asked us: "Why did he do that?" But everything is only because not only women, but also men are mercantile and prudent. Undoubtedly, Maxim liked Asya as a pleasant conversationalist and passionate lover, she was not unpleasant to him. Therefore, he allowed himself to exchange his affection and warmth for a comfortable stay in a foreign city, courtship, gifts and pleasant leisure. Only now he did not think that the one who looks at you like a puppy dog might be hurt by a slight adultery. And to realize that somewhere in another city a person is waiting for you, ready for anything for you, is very pleasant. And it is unlikely that Asya was the only one on this list.
He doesn't want me!
Once, my overworked brain boiled over not from work at all. A man has come into my life. More precisely, he appeared for the third time.
Once upon a time, nothing in our relationship foreshadowed trouble, but he disappeared without explaining anything. I shed tears, asked everyone what was wrong with me, then - what was wrong with him. Not finding a clear answer, after a while I eventually calmed down. The second time he appeared in my life, or rather, on my phone, with an offer to go to the movies, when I, being on a wonderful date, was sitting on the seashore with a charming young man, enthusiastic and completely forgetting about my mister brain. He received a decisive refusal and again disappeared from my life. After another six months, he called, I answered the phone discouraged:
Hello ... - I mumbled in confusion.
- How much can I call you, at least you could hear one of your phones, - the gentleman scolded me. - Today is the premiere of the film, the same one, remember, they wanted to go back in the summer, get ready, I'll call in an hour.
We went to the cinema, during which I longed to take his hand all the time, then we walked and talked, enlightening each other about the changes in life. The next day we went to his friends, a week later - to relatives. No one asked the question "Why?", I calmed down a little from his courtship and thought: what's the difference, why he returned so suddenly and now practically does not let me out of his arms. The main thing is that now is good. What happens next is no longer important!
On the New Year, which we celebrated together, my gentleman went over with alcohol. I guessed that what he told me then, on a sober head, I would not have pulled out of him even under terrible torture. It turned out that once he had a fight with his girlfriend and decided to have an affair with me on a wedge by wedge basis. But then she returned to him, which is why he disappeared so suddenly. Now she left him again, so he, being in the deepest depression, thought: who better to cope with his unstable psyche than me. That's why he dialed my number.
After the celebration of the New Year, a complete confusion began. He either appeared and did not leave me a single step, offering his friends to take care of gifts for our wedding, then he disappeared, then he returned with flowers and again went underground, in which they do not pick up phones. But what is most interesting: after he opened his soul to me, we completely lost sex. And to all my questions, he answered at length that he was tired at work, or he helped someone with the move, in general, there was always a good reason. This went on for several months, until he got the family status "Dating with ..." on the social network, and in this line there was by no means my last name. But the answer to my question: "What is it?" I was just amazed. My prince scratched his head, then brazenly looked up and said: "What's wrong?"
As soon as a man begins to evade a normal relationship (disappears, does not pick up the phone, avoids intimacy), no matter how he justifies himself, know that another woman is probably involved here. The most common syndrome is the answer "I was busy" to the question "Why didn't you call?". Think, we, too, are not loafers and are not busy just calling the boyfriends we like around the clock, but, despite any amount of work, we will always find a minute to call our beloved and inquire about his mood and well-being. As the saying goes, "when faced with a solution to a problem, we are looking for either opportunities or reasons."
Pity the time
My friend Tanya is a successful economist for a large company. She is beautiful and smart, purposeful and uninhibited, and by her twenty-seven years has already learned to see through men, while maintaining a slight shade of naivety in her behavior. But even an old woman can be a mess, and even Tatyana sometimes turned to us with a sacramental question: "Why did he do that?"
Once Tanya met a wonderful young man Andrei at a corporate party. They talked, joked a lot, and seemed to understand each other perfectly. The corporate party ended with a Sabantuum at the apartment of one of the colleagues, where Tanya and Andrey, having gone out on the balcony to smoke and forgetting about the company, stayed there together for the whole night. And in the morning he invited her on a date. It was time for a date, but Andrey did not call. The reasons turned out to be banal - Andrei reconciled with his girlfriend. They saw Tanya only a few days later. The young man behaved as if nothing had happened, as if there had not been that crazy night on the balcony with confessions, conversations and passionate kisses.
One day Andrei had an accident, and his car had to be taken to the service station. Tanya, as a motorist, knew how hard it was to be left without an iron horse, which is why she offered to give the young man a lift. You can always find a rich bar in Tanya's car, and that day was no exception. Andrei was upset and depressed, and she suggested that he "relieve stress." Having drunk a little, Andrey offered to drive around the city and chat. So Tanya found out that for six months he had been living with his girlfriend like a cat with a dog, that it exhausted him so much that he could neither work nor live normally.
Why are you with her? You don’t feel well with her, she doesn’t understand you, she saws on trifles, she doesn’t give you even a centimeter of free space, so why don’t you leave her? Tanya asked Andrey.
- You know, I once had a girlfriend, - Andrei began his explanation, - we lived with her for a year and a half, and then she, not to mention the reasons, left. I suffered for a long time, could not forget her and understand her behavior, and then I met another.
I was very afraid of losing her and decided to get married. Even sold his favorite sports car to make a good wedding. But we turned out to be from a different test, - Andrei recalled, twirling a half-empty glass in his hands, - there were no common interests, but for some reason I stayed with her. After a year and a half, we divorced. I was worried again for a long time, but then I met my current girlfriend. Again, we have been together for a year and a half, and we have terrible difficulties in relations, in fact, it is difficult to call this a relationship, for example, military operations.
Tan, - Andrei took the girl by the hand, - why do women live with me for a year and a half and leave? Can't you be with me longer? he asked, looking into her eyes faithfully.
Men, like women, have emotional trauma inflicted by previous partners. In this case, a terrible thought crept into the man’s head that no one could live with him for more than a year and a half. He did not even realize that he was simply choosing the wrong women. With this thought, he, firstly, programmed himself for failure after a given period, and secondly, no matter how uncomfortable he was with a woman in a relationship, he remained with her, because he wanted to prove to himself that it was possible to be with him and longer. And until he himself understands this, such a person will not be able to build normal harmonious relations.
Summary
When meeting men, pay attention to the little things: what he says about previous partners, how he behaves with other women, how he speaks about his mother. After all, it has long been known that the essence is made up of little things. And in the end, we all want the same thing - love and understanding, regardless of gender. So you can safely "try on" male behavior and ask questions, in what cases and under what circumstances do you behave in a similar way? And the answers to the riddles of male behavior will be found instantly.
Text: Julia Dorosh
The more time we spend in the virtual space, the more real it begins to seem. In this world, there is no morality as such, the norms of behavior in society can be safely stepped over, hiding under the mask of anonymity.
Why is virtual space so attractive?
Man is designed in such a way that he needs to constantly improve himself. If someone considers that he has reached the desired level of development and stops there, then he will degrade, and will not freeze in the current state.
But moving forward and developing a person as a person requires not only time, but also significant efforts. In addition, you want to immediately see the result and note your progress.
To say, not to be
There is a temptation to take a shortcut: not to become, but to seem better. On the Internet, you can be anyone. Why go to the gym and limit yourself to food when you can find a pretty photo and pass it off as your own? You do not need to take care of yourself, in the virtual world they will not notice that you have not brushed your teeth for 3 days.
And although it may seem that it helps to become better in life, to achieve good results, in fact it is not so at all. This is a fast track to the abyss of frustration and self-destruction.
Communication by mood
It is easier to communicate with virtual interlocutors. A bad mood or irritation after a hard day will not be noticeable in intonation or sharp words. When the conversation is in writing, there is time to think about your words. And the fact that the other person does not see us in a vulnerable state gives a sense of security and soothes.
If you are not in the mood to communicate, you will not have to listen to discontent live. You always have an escape route. And you don’t have to worry about the feelings and emotions of the interlocutor, unless, of course, you communicate in the real world.
Communication without obligation
Attractive virtual communication and the fact that it almost never has consequences. You can simply delete your page on the social network and create a new one, leave old friends perplexed in the past.
Virtual love is also safe from the point of view of contraception: sexual diseases are not transmitted over the Internet and the risk of unwanted pregnancy is zero.
Anonymity
Anonymity also protects from condemnation and public censure. If any desires or preferences seem shameful to you, you will almost certainly find like-minded people on the net.
Imaginary freedom
You can invent for yourself any person, give her a name, character, habits, preferences. This fictional person will quickly make friends, he will lead a more interesting life, have virtual sex. Most likely, he will do what you yourself would like to do, but for some reason it does not work out for you. This is a very dangerous path from the point of view of psychology. So deeply immersed in the image of another character, a person risks losing himself.
Virtual cheating - what is it all about?
Everything described above creates the illusion of impunity. Maybe virtual treason and not treason at all? Everything is possible on the Internet. Even what is prohibited by law. You just need to find a way to get to the closed sites. There is no need to be a genius programmer to bypass standard locks.
And pop-up ads often urge us to break the rules of morality, let our desires happen and have virtual sex. Skillfully composed texts muffle the voice of conscience and reason. Therefore, it seems that everything is fine, as it should be.
Communication with other women attracts men. If in real life you need to spend money on your mistress: go to restaurants, buy flowers and gifts for her, pay for a taxi, then it is much easier to start a conversation on the Internet.
Moreover, most people are very shy, they hardly make new acquaintances. What can we say about using hints to understand whether a woman is ready to become a mistress. Therefore, virtual love can be more economical for the family budget.
And in the network, this obstacle is easily eliminated. Rejection is no longer perceived so sharply. Yes, and there are a million contenders, there is always someone to choose from.
As in life, virtual relationships begin innocently enough. We got to know each other and started talking about our interests. And it begins to seem that you are like-minded people, no one understands you like an unknown interlocutor. And you get support from him (only in words), attention, sympathy.
And your mind creates an image of a real person, endowing him with only positive qualities. How can you not get carried away?
And at the first opportunity, your husband checks messages, writes something furtively, put multi-level passwords on his phone, computer. And you can feel it moving away. When you ask about who he communicates with and about what, he avoids answering, accusing you of encroaching on his personal space.
Communication smoothly flows into a more intimate channel. And now your husband is excited not by you, but by an outside woman. She differs from a real mistress in that your husband did not have sexual relations with her. But they could well have exchanged personal photos.
What kind of beast is "virtual sex"?
Virtual sex is a process of obtaining sexual satisfaction without the direct participation of a partner, but he is in touch: either he writes messages, or he talks on the phone or on a webcam.
Messages
A man can engage in self-satisfaction, just by texting with a virtual mistress. By the way, it can be quite real, just this time they diversified the format of their meetings.
They exchange intimate information, simulating sexual intercourse. Virtual love seems like a real passion, but off the Internet, these people would hardly be nice to each other.
phone sex
This is not the latest invention in the sex industry, but the development of communications and the Internet has made it easier and more accessible. Even if the service is provided on a paid basis, the wife may not suspect anything.
In fact, this is sexual communication with the help of voice. The dialogue is structured as if two lovers are having sex at the moment.
Video conference
This is a more progressive form of communication after the voice. The interlocutor can not only be heard, but also seen in all details. There are many paid sites where girls are willing to help a man achieve an orgasm and show themselves from any side.
What is common between real and virtual infidelity?
This type of betrayal is united by the fact that your man during the act of self-satisfaction does not think about you. Thoughts are not about you that delight him, you do not make his heart beat faster. Such virtual love can be disgusting and humiliating for the wife. But what to do?
First, find out the reasons that pushed your husband into another world. Maybe he wants variety, but does not want to change? Or is he ashamed of his desires? Or does he want to be a fit and athletic alpha male, rather than the average beer belly man?
When you get to the bottom of it, you can figure out how to bring your husband back to the real world. He may need the help of a psychotherapist. First of all, he is pushed into the virtual world by his own fears and complexes.
Is it worth it to forgive virtual treason
If you think that virtual sex is not sex at all, and you will eliminate the reasons for this behavior of your husband, then forgive him. We always strive for something new and unknown, but we do not always do it in the right way.
But if it’s unbearably disgusting for you to look at your husband, then evaluate what is more important for you: to preserve and revive the good that was between you or to destroy this relationship to the ground and create your family anew with another person? At this point, do not think about the children or what your relatives will say. Living with a person to whom you feel disgust is terrible. Moreover, your children will suffer more from it.
If the family is more expensive, then forgive and forget. Create a trusting relationship at home, do not scold or judge. Give your man the support he needs. Let him feel that he has a reliable rear.
What if it repeats
So you seem to have figured out the reasons, understood and forgave your husband, but he still spends more time on dubious sites than with you. And again virtual betrayal! What's the matter?
The fact is that such leisure is addictive. Usually one conversation does not stop forever. Depriving the virtual world, a man feels emptiness. She scares him.
Therefore, it is very important to prevent its occurrence. You must take on the task of preventing your husband from getting online again. Therefore, we replace virtual communication with live ones. Meet friends more often, go to visit.
Think of new hobbies. Now there are many different master classes. Do you want to cook sushi or pizza, practice calligraphy or learn how to paint with watercolors? Sign up soon!
Don't forget to walk together more often. Fresh air is good for health, and observing wildlife is calming and soothing.
Diversify your leisure time. Go to exhibitions and theaters, arrange dates in cafes. Go in for sports: run together in the mornings in the summer, and go skiing on the winter weekends.
You can invite your friends to share your new hobbies. More fun together!
Enact strict rules and regulations regarding technical devices:
- in the bedroom there is no place for a telephone and a computer;
- when we eat at the same table, all TVs, computers, phones are turned off or put aside;
- while going to the toilet or shower, the phone remains in the place allotted for it;
- no one under any circumstances has the right to take his phone without permission;
- we need a phone and a computer for work, for communication, devote more time to personal meetings.
Gradually, your husband will return to the real world, because he is so interesting. But since you know that he has such a tendency to withdraw into himself in a safe place, then you are armed. At the first sign of a renewed virtual life, you will quickly take action to get your husband back.
And reconsider your views on sexual experiments. Maybe you yourself will like it. Don't be a prude in the bedroom. Or maybe your husband himself will be disappointed in his fantasies. After all, in the imagination everything is different than in life.
One day you notice that your loved one spends too much time at the computer and does not let go of the phone, even when he goes to the bathroom. What if the suspicions turn out to be true? Nadezhda Maksimova experienced firsthand how to survive her husband's virtual romance.
PHOTO Soledad Bravi
“I go into the fitting room, I see how you put on a revealing evening dress. You smile embarrassedly, one strap falls off your shoulder, I want to fix it ... ”Honestly, I didn’t read further. Because my husband wrote this message. And not to me.
Parentheses close
NEVER LOOK at your spouse's phone or tablet. It's DEFECTIVE
So I personally encountered virtual treason. I can say with confidence that it hurts no less than from physical betrayal. You feel that you are losing the ground under your feet, you realize that you were deceived. An idyllic evening picture: a husband sitting at a laptop while you put the baby to bed. But it turns out that he is now considering Lariska's underwear and asks him to take it off. However, I did not notice something was wrong: my husband always spent a lot of time at the computer. Misha was the first to worry. According to him, his wife used to often leave her phone unattended, but recently she stopped parting with it, taking it with her even to the bathroom. “She acted like 007,” Misha admitted. “It seemed suspicious to me.”
What to do if the betrayal seems to be fake, but still cheating? After tears and long conversations with my husband, sworn assurances that this would not happen again, we decided that our family could survive this problem. We exchanged not only promises, but also passwords from all social networks. Not to constantly check each other. Rather, it is a kind of “nuclear deterrence” policy: if both countries have weapons, then the very fact of this can prevent a nuclear war.
It turned out that virtual cheating is not uncommon and to some extent happens in every third family. Such types of adultery are becoming more and more popular because of their ease and "safety". No need to plan anything, invent non-existent things, spend money on hotels and be afraid that mutual friends will see you - just set a password on your phone.
Some do not even seek to hide their relationships on the Web, because they do not consider them something shameful. For example, a young man of my colleague Sveta was very fond of playing Second Life - a three-dimensional virtual world where people invent their appearance, build houses, get married and even give birth to children. The guy did not hide from Sveta that he was leading a double life, because “you won’t be jealous of me for a painted mulatto living in San Francisco?” Sveta didn’t seem to be jealous, but after a while she left the guy anyway - he “leaked” all his creative energy into the Internet: there he eloquently joked, was capable of daring deeds, complimented his virtual partner. But in reality, according to the deceived girl, he became like “a donut, from which someone ate all the stuffing.”
Gadgets are an unpredictable thing, so the secret can become clear at the most unexpected moment. My friend found out about her husband's telecommuting lover while working on his tablet. The husband-conspirator logged out in all messengers, giving the device to his wife, but due to a technical failure on the gadget, “windows” of his correspondence with his mistress still began to pop up. A friend checked the dates and times and was horrified: it turns out that her husband managed to flirt with his virtual passion even on a family vacation! “A blonde is sleeping on my chest,” he playfully wrote, carrying his one and a half year old blonde daughter in an ergo backpack. When the husband was on a business trip, he sent the same messages to his wife and mistress, conducting parallel correspondence with them. “This betrayal hurts even more than real,” shared a friend. “After all, he cheated while being in the same room with me, sometimes even at a distance of one meter!” The husband caught red-handed explained his behavior by the fact that he lacked warmth in the relationship and wanted to have fun.
Wife - read book
By the way, women are also having fun with might and main in this way, buried in the smartphone screen. “I'll just check my mail,” my second cousin said to her husband, sending her photos in a bikini to the virtual boyfriend at the same time. “You know, it’s like a drug,” she admitted to me. - For him, I am always the most beautiful, the sexiest, the most interesting. He never ceases to admire my appearance, laugh at my jokes. He wishes me good morning and good night. I can tell him all the impressions of the day, and he will praise my decisions, sympathize if there are problems at work. He always takes my side. For some reason, this all doesn’t work with my husband, we are too used to each other. ”
Psychologists say that cheating on the Internet always compensates for what is missing in reality. “No one goes into the virtual world if the real one satisfies him,” says family psychotherapist Olga Golosova. So something is wrong in the family. Perhaps there is not enough emotional intimacy or there are problems in the sexual sphere, often the cause is emotional trauma. For example, a wife manipulated her husband through sex, or a husband exploited his wife's material dependence. Often, family relationships fail because of too different expectations of partners from marriage - they want novelty, thrill, romance, flirting. Remember the operetta "The Bat"? The baron, tired of his wife, goes to the ball, and she, having accidentally found out about it, buys the outfit of the Bat and appears before her husband as a mysterious guest. And the husband eventually tries to seduce his own wife, confessing to a beautiful stranger that "a wife is a read book"! Going into the virtual world, men want to find an exciting new "book" that can be read without much risk. However, so do the ladies. There is a special category of people who are attracted to virtual sex. This can be explained by their fear, self-doubt, unwillingness to be responsible for real contact. Such a betrayal will never go beyond the Internet, nevertheless remaining even more offensive, because it is a betrayal of the soul, in fact - a betrayal. As a rule, partners will not even know about such betrayals, and the culprit (-ca) will deny it to the last.
Psychologists are sure: cheating on the Internet always compensates for what is missing in REALITY
According to the psychotherapist, a virtual romance often ends with a real adultery. Simply because it is already impossible to stop and at some point words turn into deeds. It is interesting that the need for real feelings in women prevails: modern ladies are more prone to risk and real betrayal than the stronger sex. “If we translate everything into the plane of legal terms, then virtual treason is only the intention to kill, and the real one is a crime already committed,” says Olga Golosova. - For intention to turn into action, you need a combination of circumstances and special determination. As a rule, men over forty have enough of it, which cannot be said about their younger “colleagues”. Many clients, especially older ladies, who came to me with the problem of their husband's virtual infidelities, eventually found out that he did not limit himself only to Skype sex, but also met the girl in person.
How to behave in this unpleasant situation to the injured party? There are few universal tips - each family and relationships in it are too individual.
“Firstly, the main commandment of modern marriage: never get into your spouse’s phone, tablet and computer! Olga Golosova is convinced. - There is a concept of personal boundaries, and they are sacred for every person. Any violation of them acts destructively: you cannot save relations by peeping and eavesdropping. The habit of reading someone else's correspondence on the phone is a psychological diagnosis. This indicates increased anxiety, self-doubt, low self-esteem. Secondly, if you have already found a frivolous correspondence between a husband and another woman, then do not rush to bring him to clean water and make a scandal. One of my clients regularly threw away her husband's phones, finding messages from mistresses there. This did not help her much in family life. In a state of passion, it is better not to do anything. Emotions speak in you: anger, resentment, jealousy, disappointment, perhaps even envy. You just need to breathe, think, "sleep" with this thought. Can't sleep at home? Go to people close to you, to those who can support you. In the morning, when the state of affect has passed, sit down and answer the questions for yourself on a piece of paper: “Why am I living with this man? What do I want from this marriage? What could be the reason for his virtual betrayal? Remember the last time you praised your husband, admired him and his successes. When did he compliment you? Try to evaluate your family life - what is missing in it? Decide what you want: divorce or live together? After that, you can talk to your husband. The most effective way to communicate in this situation is “I-message”, a recognition of your feelings, and not an accusation of the interlocutor: “After reading your correspondence, I felt resentment and grief, because I love you. I'm sorry I read this because now I'm in pain." Listen to your husband, ask how he feels, why he needs a virtual connection with another woman. It is important to find out what he lacks in marriage. Without insults and reproaches. It's much harder than just yelling and shaming. Sometimes a conversation with a husband just doesn’t work out - feelings are overwhelming: a spasm in the throat, tears roll up, pressure jumps. Then it’s better to just seek professional help from a psychologist.”
Two years have passed since the day I saw my husband's messages to Larisa. The consequences are still being felt. Firstly, I experienced more than one panic attack when my husband stayed longer than necessary in the toilet along with the phone. Yes, with my mind I understand that, most likely, he mindlessly flips through Instagram, but the imagination persistently draws another virtual lover. Secondly, the topic of sex on the Internet is now closed for me for a long time. Previously, I myself perfectly mastered this art of omissions, hints, dots, exchanges of provocative remarks and bold photographs. But now what seemed cute to me seems vulgar, and my husband's emoticons after each phrase are disgusting. Although sometimes I answer him in the same playful spirit, without experiencing any excitement and excitement. Just so he doesn't have the desire to "play" with someone else again.
Ecology of consciousness. Psychology: The development of social networks and instant messengers literally violated the laws by which they lived for centuries, and, at the same time, did not provide any sane and adequate ways to neutralize these destructions. The Internet space for a couple of decades has become even more "real" than real life.
More 20-30 years ago there was no such thing as a "virtual novel". Love relationships developed according to certain laws, each of the participants in the process knew and understood exactly what he needed to do in order to make an appointment, or go to the cinema, or get married. Each of the participants knew and understood that without the contribution of personal efforts, time, and the rejection of some of their interests, the relationship would not take place.
Investment in relationships
An elementary search for a pay phone to call a girl, buying flowers, going to the cinema turned into an indispensable attribute of a love relationship. In the same contribution to the relationship. Energy contribution.
And this contribution had to be made on a regular basis, which served as a kind of proof of the seriousness of intentions. That's why even the question "How are you?" had a certain "weight" and was not perceived as banal.
The Internet, along with the development of social networks and instant messaging services, has made its own adjustments to the development of interpersonal communication, to the energy laws of relationships.
And the person was not ready for such an infrastructure of communications. The development of social networks and instant messengers literally violated the laws by which they lived for centuries, and, at the same time, did not provide any sane and adequate ways to neutralize these destructions.
The Internet space for a couple of decades has become even more "real" than real life.
Through the Internet, you can completely change the personality of a person, you can mentally cripple him, you can inflict severe psychological trauma on him, you can provoke suicide, or self-destruction at the physical level.
And it’s even easier to do it via the Internet, and not only because of weak legislation, but also because of the imaginary anonymity, because of impunity, because of the feeling that you can “delete your account” at any moment, and dissolve into space and time.
If earlier there were clear criteria for “entry” and “exit” from relationships, as well as clear criteria for being in a relationship, according to the type “if we meet, then we meet, if we don’t meet, then we don’t meet”, then with the advent of the Internet, some kind of ugly scheme of “love” relationships began to form. And this scheme is like a virus that spoils the correct "picture", corrects the software andeven climbs into the firmware , trying to change this firmware for yourself.
With the advent of the Internet, relationships can be “made” without getting up from the couch. One sent a “like” or a smiley, and the other thought that he had to “run, look for a phone”, that he wasted time or sacrificed some of his interests for him. The inertia of thinking plays a cruel joke here for all participants in the process.
One received emoticon or “like” is enough, and now the person does not understand whether the relationship is over or not. His fantasy turns on, which quickly creates a very dangerous illusion: well, since they sent me a smiley, it means they remember, they think, they love, they don’t want to lose, that is, the relationship continues.
And, of course, they prefer not to think that sending a “like” or a smiley face is not the same as looking for a pay phone in the pouring rain, or writing a letter with a pen on paper, and then sending it, and waiting for a response. "Like" does not require the same amount of energy, "like" can be sent to 20 contacts, "like" is just a mouse click.
And making a mouse click is easier than resolving real problems and inconsistencies in relationships.
At the same time, a “sign of attention” in the form of a “like” or an SMS with “hello” is perceived as something for which you suddenly feel “obliged”. Because of the same inert thinking.
On the one hand, the Internet has provided opportunities to “find your soul mate” even on the other side of the world, on the other hand, the Internet has imposed a very serious concept on the energy process of love relationships. And, as you know,a concept imposed on a process destroys that process.
What means - imposed the concept? This means that now it is enough for a person to leave the Internet, leaving the message unanswered, and this immediately gives a “skew” in the structure of relations.
Or postpone the response to the message until "after lunch", so that there is time to think and figure out options for further developments. Or do at the right time "not a subscriber." To collect my thoughts, for example. The Internet makes it possible to "leave the network" at the right time, not to meet physically, to sort things out at a distance, to say what you do not dare to say in person.
And also The Internet has given rise to such a form of relationship as a "virtual romance". Here I want to dwell on it in more detail.
Reasons why people enter into a "virtual romance":
1. Low entry threshold.
It is enough to register on a dating site, post a couple of photos, give a short description of yourself and your interests, and messages from the “interested” public immediately begin to arrive.
Immediately, the mechanism for the emergence of illusions is turned on, a person seems to not want, but cannot resist the feeling of being in demand, being needed, being interested in his person.
As a rule, at the initial stage, quite adequate messages come from the other end, people are interested, and it seems that “this is happiness”. It is enough to talk a little, refuse the most inadequate, then stop at one or two applicants and "life is good."
You don’t need to make an effort, you don’t need to spend extra energy on appearance, you don’t have to be able to communicate live, somewhere you can lie to yourself, and if something happens, delete your account.
2. Inability to find a partner in real life.
This reason includes a whole layer of problems that in real life prevent a person from finding a real partner.
I will name the largest of them:
A trail of misfortune.
There are people who literally "smells" of misfortune. They can be well educated, they can look good, they can communicate well, they can develop themselves.
But you want to stay away from them.
This is an unconscious desire that cannot be explained on a rational level, but the plume of unhappiness is very clearly felt at the subconscious level. And this feeling turns into a rational desire to run away from such people as fast as possible, so that they “do not infect” you.
Most likely,the train of misfortune is carried by people who are unhappy inside.
They are dissatisfied with almost everyone, starting with the president of the country and ending with their parents, who “did not give enough”. Such people are very tense, and their main message is a complaint.
Complaints about the world, about justice and injustice, about laws, about people, about weather-nature, about anything. Their attention, their energy is directed to finding evidence of their inner pain, and they always find confirmation of this pain.
Constant tension is "read" by other people and is perceived as something that threatens the integrity of the body and personality. A tense person is inharmonious, it is felt as the one that brings chaos and aggression. A person with a trail of unhappiness is strongly connected with a large number of "lower connections", he is skewed into constant negativity, into destruction and de-evolution.
In the virtual world, this can be camouflaged and only show what they want to see. In the virtual world, you can "force" yourself to be positive and not complain about the world. At least for the duration of the conversation.
Energy exhaustion.
Energy depletion manifests itself as a decrease in vitality, apathy, depression, lack of motivation.
Such depletion occurs due to the fact that a person ceases to receive energy from things, activities, relationships. If in a normal state a person receives energy from work, from creativity, from hobbies, from healthy relationships, then in a state of energy exhaustion a person cannot do this.
Energy hunger begins. And since a person is hungry, he is looking for an available source of energy.
Virtual novels seem to be pretty affordable sources of energy. Another issue is that in a state of energy exhaustion, a person does not control the intake and consumption of energy, which, in general, is natural.
In such a state (caused by various reasons), personality deformations begin to occur very quickly, and the most common deformation is dependence.
Addiction (dependence) arises very quickly after the start of a virtual romance, and is perceived by a person even more difficult, as if it were a relationship in real life.
If in real life you can "lean" on some physical shortcomings (negligence, untidiness, obesity, banal smell from the mouth), on the rejection of behavior (obscenity, loudness, "opening hands"), on the banal "didn't like it", then in In a virtual novel, it’s pretty hard to find such “crutches” for yourself.
And from this, the dependencies cross the very line beyond which the reforging and erasure of the personality begin. Virtual romance begins to manage the relationship, not the person.
Energy hole.
Energy hole and energyethical exhaustion is a slightly different thing. Energy depletion can be caused by reasons that are not related to love relationships. For example, the work is so exhausting that you can hardly crawl to the bed, and at the same time you still need to spend a lot of energy on adjusting, on convincing yourself that this work is needed “for money”. Either relatives get sick for a long time, and they need to be looked after, or their own sores lead to moral and physical exhaustion.
And a person, even with energy depletion, can be quite an interesting person, as they say, they would give free rein.
Buta person with an energy hole is a person who is not interested in himself.
Such a person implicitly waits for someone to come and make him happy. A person cannot make himself happy, or at least not dissatisfied.
As a rule, a person “with a hole” has inadequate self-esteem, rather towards overestimation. He believes that he is a value in itself, regardless of what he knows / can / can and what benefit he can give to another.
A person with a hole is most often in a sex-only relationship or is in a marriage that they are afraid to leave.
Such people inadequately perceive reality and themselves in it.
They talk about the fact that they live with hopes, plans, somehow act with the goal of being in a pair, that their life is aimed at this, that they are ready to do this and that, just not to be alone. Or they say that they live for the sake of their children and husband, and are ready to do everything to save the family.
In fact, they do only one thing - they beg for another person, sacrificing himself, to fill their inner hole with himself.
But in the virtual world, they have violent passions, they have years of correspondence, they have a displacement, and a demonstration of qualities that are not characteristic of them. And again, wildly inadequate. Because all these years of correspondence, as a rule, happen without a single step from the other side. Or almost none.
Not a virtual step in the form of another smiley face, but a normal step in the form of an offer to live together and create a family.
But a person will never admit to himself or to others that the other does not take a step in his direction. What the other thus having fun or satisfies some other need. But he does not sit with the idea of creating a family with them.
If you look closely, you will see that a person can hang out in virtual novels only when he is afraid to demonstrate his “hole” in energy.
It is much easier to close the browser, citing a power outage, than to find how and with what to fill oneself.
3. Inadequate self-esteem
Still, I will single out this reason in a separate paragraph.
Usually people who are unclaimed by the opposite sex talk about themselves as a person who has low self-esteem. Although in fact, such people have an overestimated self-esteem. And this is expressed in the fact that a person who is not in demand among the opposite sex actively acts in the direction of ousting the traumatic factor.
A person turns the true reasons for this lack of demand by 180 degrees. He says: “I don’t like anyone”, “I can’t meet a person who will interest me in real life.”
Instead of honestly admit to yourself that they "do not want" him,a person begins to believe that it is HE who does not want anyone, that no one likes him. That he is smart, and sociable, and non-conflict, and this and that, but he cannot find someone he likes.
And here it would be useful to ask yourself the question: “does anyone like me myself? Or is it just an illusion that everyone wants me, but I don’t? But, for obvious reasons, no one even comes close to asking themselves such questions.
People lie to themselves that if you just find someone they like, then he will like them the same way.
Therefore, they go to the Internet in order to create a complete feeling for themselves there that "I have a relationship."
Virtual novels become a way for such people not to “see reality”. It is known that the Internet is full of idiots and preoccupied. And to find the “normal” there, you need to shovel so much “breed”.
And when they find it, it turns out that the person is married, married, or lives far away. And here it goes wrong again. Like, if I wanted to, he would have moved, but I don't want to. If I wanted to, I would destroy the family, but I don't want to. If I wanted to, it would have been a long time ago. But I dont want.
And again to ask oneself whether I “don’t want” or “they don’t want me” is painful and very sensitive.
At the same time, self-esteem creeps towards overestimation, a sense of self-importance is inflated before our eyes. Does everyone see how noble I am, that I could, but I don’t want to?
The person doesn't really understand what's going on. He is sure that relationships depend only on his desire.
He perceives himself as a kind of arbiter of fate, a person who knows everything for others.
“I gave him less than he wanted (and how much did he want, did he tell you?), And he perceived it as a game and became even more inflamed from this (riali? can you read minds? why is it that he was inflamed? )"
“I do my best to be together. We spent several holidays together. But there was no talk of a joint future. But I live with the thought that after a while he will get used to it, and we will unite. (Yes, the world is obliged to obey the invented scenario, isn’t it? Is that what you want?)”
A person with inadequate self-esteem feels that he is not worthy of attention or communication, that he is not liked because he is too ... Too shy, too introverted, too smart, too ugly, too tall/short/fat/thin.
Although the streets are crowded with people who are superior to him in this "too", but for some reason they have a relationship.
Inadequacy of self-esteem also siphons from all cracks, like an energy hole, like energy exhaustion or a trail of misfortune. Therefore, a virtual romance is the way out.
Of course, you can find several more reasons why people go into virtual relationships, and many who have gone through this will not find in their history the reasons that I described above.
They will refer to circumstances, to boredom, to bad relations with the current partner, which are pushing for a virtual romance with another. The freedom of choice, the opportunity to have a relationship with a person from another country, and others…
But, whatever the reasons for the virtual romance, its presence speaks of one thing - the inability of a person to have a real relationship with a real partner who physically comes, and does not send a virtual “like”.
There are also “semi-finished products” of virtual relationships, when there is an active correspondence through the social network, and rare real meetings. But we will talk about this, as well as about the development of virtual novels, about the stages and ways to get out of virtual relationships next time.published . If you have any questions on this topic, ask them to specialists and readers of our project
Psychologists are concerned about a new family problem, cyberwidowhood syndrome. Having plunged into the virtual world, men stop paying attention to their families and leave their wives.
Internet features
The Internet has made it possible to get acquainted easily, quickly and intensively. In the virtual world, you can invent yourself and your partner, and not bear any moral responsibility. Alexander Makhnach, candidate of psychological sciences, senior researcher at the Institute of Psychology of the Russian Academy of Sciences, says: “A person invents a name for himself, a way of life, a profession, an age - practically, he pretends to be a non-existent hero. He is there necessarily handsome, smart, gallant, that is, he is not what he usually is in life.
To evil
Rita lived with her husband for thirteen years. All the years, neighbors and relatives considered Igor an exemplary spouse, but since the Internet appeared in the house, the attentive and caring spouse seemed to have been replaced. Two months ago, Rita discovered that her ideal husband was having an affair with a virtual blonde. “I read all his erotic fantasies, everything he thinks about and dreams about, and I was just in shock,” the woman says with bitterness in her voice.
The revelations found in the correspondence, Rita was simply stunned. She considered this a betrayal and decided to divorce her husband, but Igor did not expect such a reaction. As a rule, virtual lovers who are passionate about the game do not consider erotic correspondence cheating. “In general, this is some kind of nonsense,” Igor is indignant, “I don’t understand why you need to get a divorce, all this is not like a joke, all this is not worth a damn. Maybe I didn’t even correspond with a woman, but with a man, you never know what idiots climb the Internet. I don’t know, maybe some guy took a photo of his sister and writes to me.”
The arguments of her husband did not console Margarita, and she is determined divorce. It is not clear what reason she will write in the divorce application. It is unlikely that Russian judges will consider virtual treason a serious reason for divorce, although in European courts online treason has already been recognized as an official reason for divorce.
Or for good
“You can consider such a novel as treason, if only because any thought of treason is already treason,” says psychologist Alexander Makhnach.
But the opposite also happens. Accidentally discovering the virtual correspondence of the spouse, the second half begins to understand what her man lacks in family relationships. In such cases, revelations read on the Internet become useful to both spouses. “An online romance, which one of my clients accidentally found out about, suggested to her several ways to change their life together,” says Alexander Makhnach, “but this is a rare, exceptional case. Most often, Internet correspondence is a secret carefully hidden from a spouse.
