There are objective marriage problems that almost all people have. These problems are caused by historical, social, psychological and physiological reasons and do not depend on the individual characteristics of the husband or wife. Therefore, no matter which husband (or which wife) you choose, sooner or later you will face these problems.
Moreover, we should all be aware of the fact that when organizing a family, we enter a life sphere full of contradictions, difficulties and problems. Many people before us and at different times have already faced these problems and in their own way either managed or failed to solve them. We, too, will succeed, but something will not work.
It is important to know in advance about the difficulties of marriage, so as not to get scared and not to panic: "I can't do anything! I'm always unhappy!" man! " We must also know about the problems of marriage in advance in order to try to protect ourselves from them in time or, nevertheless, when faced with them, to be able to alleviate their painful burden for ourselves and our loved ones.
So what problems does marriage bring with it? What love traps can you fall into on the path to family happiness?
Wrong choice of partner. When choosing a husband (or wife), we try to take into account their advantages and disadvantages. We strive to understand and feel how important it is for us to live with this particular person, and not with any other. Finally, we calculate the economic and financial conditions for the future marriage: the presence of a separate apartment, the ability to support ourselves without the help of parents, etc.
But we cannot take into account our inner unconscious tendencies, which, secretly from our will and consciousness, guide our choice. We cannot take them into account, because more often than not we are not aware of them! When choosing a partner, we solve our internal psychological problems and unconsciously strive to get rid of any "complex". Psychological problems or "complexes" create internal tension, sometimes painful, and we strive to achieve inner peace, which arises precisely when liberating from the "complex".
If our psychological problems are not resolved during the interaction with the surrendered partner, we part. But if our psychological problems are resolved with this person, after a while we are also ready to part with him, because at a new stage of life new problems have arisen, also not quite aware of us, and we need a new person to resolve them, a vicious circle!
What kind of unconscious psychological problems or "complexes" could it be? Let us consider the most typical of them, associated with an unconscious tendency to increase self-esteem in people who are constrained, squeezed and insecure.
For example, a young girl from an intelligent family marries a man who is clearly inferior to her in personal and intellectual development, relatives and friends are surprised: the marriage is too unequal. She is a smart girl, she graduated with honors from the university. He has only 11 classes behind him, works as a taxi driver. She reads Akhmatova and Mandelstam, he regularly looks at only one print publication ~ the newspaper "Megapolis Express" She wants to visit all exhibitions and theatrical premieres, he frankly misses if she takes him with her.
Events in this marriage developed as follows. The young woman began to work successfully, gave birth to a child. She became more confident in herself, felt the interest in her from other men. She filed for divorce a few years later. The marriage ceased to exist as soon as she solved her unconscious psychological problem: she raised her own assessment.
Another example. A young graduate student marries a woman who is older than him, but belongs to the scientific community in which he seeks to assert himself as a scientist. His wife actively helps him write his dissertation, advises how to behave in order to have important connections and contacts. In the family, she creates optimal conditions for her husband's work: he gets a separate office, is freed from all family responsibilities. It would seem a family idyll! Unfortunately no. The young husband successfully defended his Ph.D. thesis and after a while became irritable, showing his dissatisfaction at every step. He felt more confident and his need for a strong woman weakened. After a few years, the family broke up.
Of course, we have the right to speak here about moral and ethical values: about responsibility for our loved ones, about the desire to protect them from suffering, especially in those cases when they did a lot of good for their loved ones. Is it possible to answer good for evil? In the first case, a young woman inflicted a painful blow on her husband; in the second, the man essentially broke the life of his wife.
This is true. However, in life, such situations occur quite often. Having “fed” his unconscious “complex” of low self-esteem and getting rid of it, the person changes and feels the need for another partner. And then he is faced with a choice: either to act morally and remain grateful to his husband (wife), or to leave, thereby acting immorally. Unfortunately, few choose the first solution.
Marriage as a Lifetime Commitment. After the registration of the relationship in the registry office, the spouses receive the legally enshrined rights to support, care, fidelity and sexual relations. It's good and bad at the same time
It's good because marriage creates a stable, solid foundation that successfully resists the unpredictable emotional element of love relationships. The birth and upbringing of children, and the maintenance of a common household require a long, stable relationship between a man and a woman, which is protected by marriage,
And it's bad because the spouses begin to get used to each other and, as a result of this addiction, they lose the desire to improve themselves in order to please their partner. The wife, unashamedly, walks around the house disheveled and unkempt. The husband, coming home and having dinner, flops down on the sofa, turns on the TV and ... after a few minutes his loud snoring is heard. Everything becomes boring and monotonous.
Indeed, why make an effort if he (she) will not go anywhere: here is a house, jointly purchased things, old, but such cozy homemade buds ... The long-awaited calmness finally comes, imperceptibly develops into a family routine and gradually tightens like a swamp, And now you hear: "Oh, my husband is like a little sister! With him, nothing is ashamed!", "Yes, where will he go! Who needs him?" no longer, I don't even want intimacy anymore. "
Renewal of the family and the destruction of family monotony in Russia is hampered by the fact that the majority simply do not have enough money for regular trips, entertainment, and going out to a restaurant or theater. People are forced to fight for survival and plan only the most necessary costs - food and clothing. And if free funds appear as a result of hard, exhausting work, such a stupefying fatigue arises that you just want to rest and sleep, and not solve the problem of how to revive your marital relationship.
Yet the need for renewal and psychological comfort can suddenly burst forth with tremendous force. A desperate desire to bring something new into his life is often manifested in the fact that the husband suddenly packs up his things and leaves for a new woman, whom he barely managed to get to know. Or the wife, tired of the boring monotony, rushes into a new love adventure, which often destroys her family.
Changing requirements for a partner. Our requirements that we place on a loved one are not only contradictory, but also change over the years beyond recognition.
So, seventeen-year-old girls want their beloved man to be strong and know how to love passionately, to be smart and courageous, beautiful and loyal. And they do not think about the fact that strength and the ability to love passionately are not very compatible qualities. A strong person is often reserved and rarely shows passionate love. An intelligent person is not always courageous, because he calculates the danger and is careful before others. It is difficult for handsome men to be faithful: they have many temptations.
Forty-year-old women with life experience have very different requirements for men. They expect from them caring, support, the ability to earn money and provide for their family. The appearance of the chosen one no longer matters. The mind also begins to be understood in a different way: one speaks beautifully and reads smart books, but in the house it is uncomfortable, and the wife feels depressed and unprotected. The other is laconic, does not understand, for example, certain philosophical trends, and the house is a full cup, and the wife is happy, everything seems to be glowing from the inside.
Men are also contradictory when they talk about women. Seventeen-year-olds want to see their girls fashionable, "cool", free, relaxed and sexy. Mature men expect a woman to be kind, caring, loyal and able to create a cozy home. A woman's appearance is losing its paramount importance.
The problem of inconsistency and variability of requirements for a partner is successfully solved by those couples who realized that it is impossible not to change and therefore need to change together. For example, she had a desire to dress fashionably and expensively, which was not the case before. He seeks to meet halfway, tries to make good money, tells his wife what suits her. In turn, the husband, who used to be almost indifferent to cuisine, having visited a European resort and tasted delicious dishes, now wants to have a beautiful, varied and tasty table at home. The wife begins to master new culinary recipes to please her husband.
The same couples who do not want or cannot meet the changing demands for each other conflict and diverge.
Hidden sexual tendencies. After a few years of married life, spouses often notice that they still have a sexual appetite, but the desire to have sex with their husband (or wife) has already disappeared. She sees in a dream something that she will never dare to tell her husband about. Her sexual needs remain unsatisfied only because her husband simply does not know about it.
Men also drive away from themselves the thoughts of what they would like their "wife to do in bed. Accidentally they can come across" this "with their mistress. And then - either many years of" parallel relationship "with two women or the destruction of the family.
And all just because “I can’t tell him about it” or “Let him“ guess by himself. ”If there was a frank conversation with her husband, maybe he would be delighted, because he thought about it himself? Or by telling his sexual fantasies wife, he would also meet understanding, because she thought about it, but did not speak, she was shy.Sometimes it is even enough for husbands to talk frankly with each other, showing trust and openness. Mutual friendliness and trust lead to renewal of relations.
Long-term cohabitation. It is known that with an increase in marital experience, the degree of satisfaction of spouses with each other and with their marriage decreases. Over the course of a long family life, they gradually begin to notice not pleasant, and sometimes simply unbearable features of each other. These unpleasant traits, of course, they had before marriage, but in the period of courtship and in the first "honey" years of marriage, this somehow was not noticed. Each tried to look better and nobler and not notice the shortcomings of the other. And over the course of many years of existence, these unpleasant traits "just creep into the eye", begin to become the most important and overshadow the good that is in a person.
Unpleasant personality traits can develop in a husband or wife by adulthood or old age, as the accumulation of life fatigue and the weakening of self-control.
Noticing the bad in each other, the spouses at first are sincerely surprised: "How could I not notice this before!", "What is this happening to her ?!" Many people panic: "What a terrible mistake I made in marrying him!", "What a fool I was to marry her!"
There is dissatisfaction with each other, mutual irritation, hostility and even hatred. As a consequence of this - gloomy silence, conflicts, intolerance towards each other.
How do married couples who have lived together for more than a dozen years solve this problem? Many of them, having gone through painful disagreements, become condescending to each other and less demanding on family life in general. One woman, who has been married for 27 years, says: "The main thing is not to make claims and demands on each other," "We had a fight, so what? I know that after 5 minutes he does not remember anything. He is easy-going!" "When he screams, I pretend not to hear, and he calms down," says another, who has had 16 years of family life. A young man, married for the fifth year, tells about his family: "We do not attach importance to the little things at all. We try to appreciate the main thing."
So, a monogamous marriage is inherently associated with serious problems and difficulties. And yet people enter into marriage with the hope that they will be happy.I think that the art of marriage is not about avoiding any problems (this is impossible), but about learning to solve these problems together and overcome the difficulties of marriage. Do not grab your head and immediately run to get divorced, but patiently solve one life task after another.
As a rule, people live in a stable marriage who reason about marriage problems as follows.
- They believe that the family is a value in itself and strive for family life as such. Their parents were family people. Their grandparents also lived a family life. And they themselves cannot imagine life outside the family. Therefore, they talk little about whether their marriage is successful or unsuccessful. From the very beginning, they refuse the potential possibility of divorce and are determined to solve any problems of their marriage in the direction of its preservation. This attitude towards maintaining a stable marriage is characteristic of people who are mature, responsible, caring and loving children.
- In long-term and multi-year marriages there are people who strive to live with a partner and for whom life alone is impossible. It is important for them to feel the presence of a loved one in their home, to be able to take care of him. And the longer the experience of family life, the more they value their marriage.
- People who have been married for many years, as a rule, believe that it is impossible to satisfy all their desires and needs in any marriage. Some needs are met, and some are not. Any marriage is associated with restrictions, absolute freedom or absolute perfection is not achievable. They calmly accept this circumstance. The woman (wife) says: "I got married and that's it. So, Fate is supposed to me to live with him." The husband of the rank (husband) reasons like this: "I can't imagine my life at all without my wife."
- In their marriage, these people encounter certain problems and believe that life without problems is generally impossible, and that in another marriage they would have other problems. They say: "With another partner - other problems", "You will get away from some problems, you will come to others." Therefore, they reason, it is necessary to solve the problems that are facing them now,
- And finally, a stable marriage is supported by religious people who believe that their Meeting took place in heaven and they have no right to violate the decision made from above.
Consequently, the main condition for a stable family life is whether both spouses have a common attitude towards family life. Do they value the family form of their existence or are there alternatives for them (life alone or in a business marriage, when people live separately and rarely meet).
In the presence of many objective difficulties and contradictions, it is precisely such a general attitude towards a marital lifestyle that saves many families from divorce.
Foreword
During one of my lectures, I received a note from a young male listener: “I devote all my time to work. The wife is sitting at home with a small child. She is constantly unhappy - she lacks attention, it seems to her that I began to live my own life, separate from my family. But I am making every effort to ensure that my family lived in prosperity! Everything I do, I do for them! How can I find a balance between family and work? "
The author of the note was very surprised when I told him that it wasn’t the lack of attention from her husband that his wife was not satisfied with. And besides, attention is such a vague concept! What does “give attention” mean? Sitting next to you all the time? Giving a lot of money for outfits and cosmetics?
No, it was not my listener's wife who suffered from lack of attention. I told him that most likely the problem lies in the lack of spiritual life in their family. When a man asked me what that meant, I asked him a question: does he call his wife from work? Does he find a moment to say a few warm words to her in the middle of the working day, and when he returns home, to put on pleasant music for her, to brew aromatic tea? “But these are signs of attention,” the listener was surprised. “And I don’t always have time for them…” “Yes, perhaps,” I replied. - But this is what I am leading to: there is no time and energy because you do not pay attention to spiritual practices. If you pay attention to them, you will have time and energy to change your behavior for the better, and, therefore, to change your destiny and your family life for the better. "
My interlocutor went home deep in thought. I hope I helped him understand himself and partly - in the problems of his family life ...
This story, of course, is not the only one.
For several decades now I have been giving lectures on the problems of finding a path in life, achieving success, raising children, strengthening health - both bodily and mental. What questions do you think the listeners ask me most often?
What is the right way to talk to your husband (wife)?
How to make sure that my spouse and I fight less often?
How to make the atmosphere in your home pleasant and positive?
It would seem that the answers to these questions are obvious: talk to each other politely, respect your household members, so that there are no mutual grievances and quarrels ... But why, then, such questions are asked to me again and again? Maybe because we are used to pronouncing the words "respect", "love", "attention", "care", but do not have a very good idea of how to put it all into practice? It turns out that it is not so simple, this family life!
Let's do the simplest experiment. Try to answer two questions:
What is family life? What is family?
I’m sure you smile at first and think: “Strange questions! Well, who does not know what family life is! " But try to formulate the answers - and you will see that the questions are actually much more complicated than they might seem.
And most importantly, it is not always possible to establish family life with the help of some common methods for all. These cars can be repaired with a common set of tools. And the family is a much more subtle matter ...
It’s not just that I started with the story of one of my listeners. One should not think that happiness in family life depends on some general recipes. We took a pinch of this and that, mixed it, shaken it up - and we got family happiness! No, there cannot be a happy family without spiritual practices, without self-improvement. And I wrote this book partly to remind about it again ...
I am very pleased to see that my seminars and lectures help people find answers to their questions; help not only to improve family relationships, but also to determine professional interests, to find their own way. Many listeners come not for the first time, thank for the help and bring their relatives and friends to meet with me.
I want to say right away - I am not a magician or a psychic, I cannot improve your life by magic. I help you find meaning in the words you just read — respect, love, and many others. And in my lectures, people begin to realize - maybe they were wrong about something? Maybe somewhere they should have acted differently, not the way they used to act? Maybe there are some other, more important concepts in the world - not only “I want” or “do everything for me”?
The majority of my lectures are devoted to the family, to the relationships of people within the family. After all, a family is the most important thing that a person can have. Over the years of practice, I have accumulated a huge number of recordings - both video and audio, and in "paper" versions. These are my own reasoning, lecture texts, interesting stories received by me by e-mail and heard during live communication with people ... It is not for nothing that they say that life throws up stories that the most gifted screenwriter could not dream of!
I was often asked: “Why do you publish books so rarely? After all, not everyone has the opportunity to come to your meeting or find your notes on the Internet! "
And now before you is a book entirely based on unique materials. These are not only tapes of my lectures and seminars. These are the stories told to me by the listeners, and the answers to the numerous questions that I was asked at creative evenings in different cities and countries.
I think you will agree: over the past few decades, our life has changed a lot. Yes, there are dozens of years! Even two or three years play a huge role. New inventions, new technologies appear, new values are proclaimed ... It is the modern system of values that is the main reason for many of the problems of our contemporaries - and it was it that partly made me start writing a book.
We constantly hear on television (and read - on the Internet, in magazines) about the "art of building relationships." But what is a relationship? The same as love, friendship, mutual assistance or something else? And can it be that the family has been replaced by these very "relationships" that need to be "built"?
Often, the discussion of relationships runs parallel to topics such as "sex appeal", "benefit", "healthy selfishness" and so on. That is, we are taught to substitute RELATIONSHIP between people simply WITH RELATIONS, aimed at obtaining fleeting pleasure and personal gain ... I do not want to say that everyone works this way. But, unfortunately, the trend is rather sad. And I would like to turn to that category of relations that many years ago were presented to us in various monuments of folk wisdom.
Have you ever wondered - why, after spending half a day on "building" and "sorting out" the relationship, we feel empty, exhausted, offended? After all, in theory, it should be the other way around! And why, after quarrels and scandals, are we so drawn, for example, to sit on the banks of a river, admire a blooming garden or a bright sunset over the sea? Because the soul, exhausted by processes that are unusual for us, imposed by mass culture, wants harmony spilled in nature. We do not need relationships, but harmonious MUTUAL relationships between people.
And for this you need to know what are the strengths and weaknesses of men and women, what are their features, what is their purpose in the world. I would really like to help achieve harmony not only for those who can turn to me personally, but also for everyone who feels such a need. This is what I see as my task.
I usually end my lectures and seminars with the phrase "I wish you happiness." But here I would like to start with her ...
...Yours Oleg Torsunov
We all dream of love and cloudless happiness. Since childhood, we have read books about how a handsome prince came to the castle, saved the beautiful princess, and ... they lived happily ever after! But at the most interesting place, the tale ended all the time. How to create a happy family so that it will be the most "happily ever after"? When marrying a handsome prince, many are surprised to discover that a beautiful fairy tale about family life is actually not such a fairy tale, but everyday work and work!
So how do you create a happy family? What to do and how to behave correctly in order to achieve the desired harmony and build a strong home? How to be happy in the family, not only yourself, but also to make your partner happy? Usually, everyone learns the secrets of strong family ties by trial and their own mistakes. To make these mistakes in life as few as possible, we will share a couple of our recommendations.
- Understanding... “There are two opinions: mine and the wrong one” - such a strategy is not for family life! You always need to remember that next to you is a completely different person with their own interests, habits and outlook on life. Listen carefully to your loved one. In any conflict, try to look at the situation from the opposite side, (male) and then many unnecessary quarrels can be prevented!
- The art of compromise. Women, alas, often tend to be stubborn. During the next fight, think about it: do I want to be right or happy? If you are really worried about how to make your marriage happy, then remember: a wise woman will always give in and listen to her husband's opinion. If you are attentive to the interests of your beloved, then he will often meet you halfway. Putting the opinion of a man in the first place, you get an ally into your team, who will surely thank you with a warm word, love and increased attention.
- Correct values... Often scandals can be born because of minor trifles: a broken cup, unwashed dishes ... But is it really worth it to sow negativity in the family and take offense at a loved one? Always put harmony and happiness first, be more tolerant of everything else. Any situation can be discussed and a common decision can be reached if both partners communicate not in the language of claims and mutual grievances, but with deep respect and love.
- Respect... At first, acquaintances, lovers try to appear in front of each other in a favorable light; they are very polite and caring. But after months and years of joint family life, a loved one becomes as a matter of course, and we allow ourselves to treat him not very respectfully: somewhere not to listen, but somewhere to be rude or shout. Which, of course, is not very right and, ultimately, slowly but surely destroys the relationship. Do not allow yourself to get used to each other and get annoyed over little things, try to see and find the dignity and talents of your loved one every day, emphasizing them out loud at any opportunity.
- Maintain your personality... In the routine of family life, we often forget about ourselves. We abandon hobbies, career races, friends and, worst of all, appearance. When the center of the woman's world shifts to the family, this is not the most pleasant sight. How to make your family happy? Certainly not by their round-the-clock presence in the apartment! Never forget about yourself and do not focus only on your husband and children. Stay beautiful and well-groomed, spend time with friends, read and develop! Always remain a mysterious beautiful lady that your man once fell in love with!
- ... It is always a stumbling block and an active subject of disputes and quarrels. Agree in advance about the distribution of money in the family. Who earns how much, how will you distribute your income: how much you save for groceries, for vacations, and how much remains for entertainment. The budget should definitely include an item for your personal expenses and pleasant feminine little things. Remember point 3 about the right values and priorities: do not allow yourself to quarrel and spoil mutual relations over simple pieces of paper.
- Leisure... Couples love to spend all their free time together, especially women. But do not limit the freedom of a man and his meeting with friends. Often let him go to rest separately from you, and you will be surprised how much the quality of your family life will change! Days spent around the clock together are not appreciated and sooner or later turn into a routine, tiredness from each other, eventually developing into complaints and reproaches ... How to become a happy couple - spend time away from each other! As great as you complement each other, sometimes it's really necessary! During such "weekend" you will not only have time to get bored, but when you meet you will be able to exchange new impressions and interesting news.
- friendship... The best family relationships are built on strong friendships. When you accept each other for who you are, you are not afraid to share any secrets with your partner. You always know: no matter what happens, a loved one is waiting for you at home, a strong shoulder who will support you in any situation and will always be on your side. Agree, there is nothing more pleasant than this feeling! If your relationship is still far from such, start with yourself and become such a loyal friend to your husband yourself! Learn to listen carefully to your spouse, without comments, reproaches or insults. Encourage all ideas and undertakings, believe in him and his rightness! Sometimes it can be very difficult, but without this it is almost impossible to build a full-fledged strong family and relationships.
- Joint plans... Make sure you and your husband have a shared vision for your future life. Sit down and ponder together how you can make your marriage happy for both of you. Dream about which country and which house you want to live in, how many children you will have, what you will do. Set big, ambitious goals together that will hold you together for years to come.
A famous proverb says: "Marriages are made in heaven". Then why are the higher powers not doing anything to ensure that the union concluded for life becomes eternal? European psychologists who work with married couples day in and day out have studied the lives of 1,000 married couples between the ages of 17 and 70 and tried to derive a formula for an ideal marriage. In their opinion, in order for the spouses to be happy in marriage, the following factors must be taken into account when choosing a partner:
The husband must be 5 years older than his wife;
- the mental abilities of the wife should be 25% higher than the intelligence of the husband, ideally - the wife has a higher education, but he does not;
- both spouses must have the same citizenship and be representatives of the same nation.
However, not all psychologists share the opinion of their European colleagues. For example, American psychologist John Gottmann is convinced that all marriages could be perfect if spouses observed the golden rules of a happy marriage. He believes that the main principles of a successful marriage are attention, kindness and politeness. Eliminating the expressions from the lexicon: "You are the same (the same) as your parents", "How many times can I repeat it to you", "How tired of me explaining this to you", "Why everyone can, only you - no", "My patience came to an end "the couple could be pleased with each other's behavior and live happily. According to the psychologist, often repeating these expressions, spouses quickly bore each other, they are more dangerous than harsh words and insults that are uttered in a fit of anger. To avoid conflicts in the family, the psychologist advises spouses to observe the following rules of conduct:
1. Before making a decision, ask the opinion of the husband (wife).
2. Always inform your husband (wife) about problems and joys.
3. Do not notice the little things and do not focus on them.
4. Do not interfere with family conflicts of their parents.
5. Do not remind offensive words and deeds that the husband (wife) did in the past.
6. Give the husband (wife) the right to have his own secret.
7. To coordinate in advance their positions in the family and in relation to other people.
8. To create comfort and order in the house.
9. Talk about your spouse's shortcomings in a gentle way.
10. Not speaking badly about your spouse in front of other people.
11. Not to be silent for a long time after a quarrel.
12. Compliment for appearance and praise good deeds.
Domestic psychologists fully support the opinion of John Gottman, they also recommend that couples be polite and friendly to each other. To preserve love until old age and live happily in, do not let trifles and insults ruin your family life. Do not try to achieve the truth by any means, crossing the partner's attempts at reconciliation and punishing him with sullen silence. The victory of one of the spouses is the defeat of the other.
Perfect family- these are equal spouses, there should not be winners and losers. Even if you are greatly annoyed by some behavior of your husband (wife), do not forget that not long ago he was the most dear and beloved person for you. Never use your hands, name names, or humiliate your partner. After a quarrel, do not harbor resentment for a long time, you should not remind your beloved about it at every opportunity. After the onset of reconciliation, the words and deeds that were committed by the spouse in anger must be forgotten forever. It is very important to be able to behave correctly on holidays, congratulate your loved ones and share all the joys with him. Remember, any quarrel and silence on solemn days will be perceived many times more sharply.
Don't hide your good feelings for partner, be empathetic and attentive to his mood. With a constant respectful attitude and behavior, let him understand that he is dear to you and you love him. The famous American psychologist Dale Carnegie argued that rudeness, like cancer, eats love. It is no secret that many people are polite and kind only towards strangers, and they behave cruelly and immorally with close family members. For example, it would never occur to you to pry into your friend’s personal files and read their letters without permission. So why do you allow yourself this in relation to your spouse?
It is possible to hide family problems few, the relationship between the parents is reflected in the children. They are very receptive and quickly absorb the way parents behave at home and with other people. Remember, the marital happiness of your children depends on how you treat your spouse. Do not forget the popular wisdom, which says: "You reap what you sow." It is impossible to raise a child as a happy person, constantly quarreling with your spouse and ignoring his opinion. As an adult, your child will treat their spouse the way you are setting them now. And in order for your marriage to be perfect and your children to grow up as happy people, you must observe the main principle of morality: "Behave towards others as you would like them to act towards you."
A family, internally welded by love and happiness,
there is a school of spiritual health, balanced character,
creative enterprise. In the vastness of folk life
it is like a blossoming flower.
I.A. Ilyin
There is a very remarkable place in Moscow. Once my friends and I were walking through the Vodootvodny Canal to the Kadashevskaya Embankment along the pedestrian Luzhkov Bridge. And we saw that several artificial metal trees were installed on the bridge. These miraculous plants were all hung with locks and locks of the most varied shapes and sizes. Starting from very miniature, Chinese, ending with heavy barns. Many castles had names for men and women, hearts were drawn. It turns out that the newlyweds have a tradition: to hang “locks of love” on the Luzhkov Bridge, and throw the keys from them into the water. The Patriarch Bridge across the Moskva River is decorated with the same castles. The Moscow "Gormost" first cut the locks, but then, tired of fighting the lovers, they installed special trees on the bridges so that the locks would not be hung on the railings.
Of course, such a custom is nothing more than a relic of paganism and primitive superstition, but it shows: all young spouses, of course, dream that their marriage, their mutual love will be strong and indestructible, that once they have entered into a family union, they will never part. never. And for this, it seems, nothing at all is needed: he locked the lock on the "bridge of love" and threw the key into the river. Oh, if only it were that simple!
By modern standards, I got married very early - at the age of 21. And like all young people, my wife and I thought then that everything would go easily and smoothly. What problems can there be? We chose each other, got married, we have love, all the hardest things are behind us, then only the joy of communication and a problem-free family life awaits us. But how wrong we were! More than once, by a sinful deed, I remembered the words that the apostles said to Christ in response to His admonition about marriage: “If such is a man’s duty to his wife, then it is better not to marry” (Matthew 19:10). We had to go through considerable difficulties and learn a lot before we understood what family life is and how to master this difficult specialty.
And almost everyone goes this way - they get bumps, learn from mistakes. And all why? We all think in our youth, out of inexperience, that it is very easy to be a real family man, spouse or wife, and, as a rule, we begin to think about our family life only when serious problems are already occurring in the family. Family life is an art, no easier than any other. Starting to build your family is like starting a new business, mastering a new profession. But, unlike the profession, spouses are not taught anywhere, you have to master everything yourself, experimentally.
Courses for those who want to start a family or sort out their family life were organized by the Center for Spiritual Development of Youth at the Danilovsky Monastery in Moscow. These courses are called "Spiritual Foundations of Family Life and Raising Children." Priests and psychologists talk with young people on various topics, and answer their questions. Your humble servant also managed to participate a little in this matter, and I was very pleased with the serious attitude and interest in the family topic among young people. This is a very good undertaking, it’s a pity that very few people attend these courses. But, thank God, that at least someone understands: creating a family requires great skill and a responsible approach.
There are courses for young mothers where women are taught how to behave during pregnancy and childbirth and then take care of the baby. But feeding, swaddling, bathing a child, giving him a massage is much easier than building the right relationship with your soul mate, being able to communicate, and then raising children (this is generally a separate and very difficult topic).
But it is necessary to study, and I am very sorry that before marriage I had not read a single special book about the family - it seemed to me then that I already knew everything.
May they not blame me for being too didactic, for I want to outline some family rules: they help me in my family life, and I hope they will help someone else.
In a family, in marriage, one cannot do everything only on a whim, guided, as they say, by the heart and feelings; at least some basics you just need to know. It's also good if we saw these principles of family relations in the family of our parents and grandparents, and if not? If someone grew up in an incomplete family or did not see a good example in the person of their parents? Then there is only one way - to engage in self-education. But those who grew up in a strong friendly family also just need to constantly think about how to improve their family life, to make it happier.
What is family? This is the small Church, where we pass our service to God and our neighbors, this is also “my house is my castle”, as they said in England in the Middle Ages. And a monastery in the world where we learn humility, patience and obedience, and where there is always an incentive for spiritual growth.
I recall an episode from Vladimir Khotinenko's film "Pop", where the priest, Father Alexander, says that he and his wife are very different people, with very different characters, and this helps him to become better, to fight his shortcomings, to sharpen his sharp corners. He jokingly calls his mother "my whetstone."
Speaking of monasteries. In Russia, monasteries also played the role of outposts, fortified fortresses. They guarded the borders of the Motherland, and within their walls, the surrounding residents could always find protection and help in the event of an enemy attack. And of course, every monastery had a church, and more than one.
If a person managed to create a family where he is loved, understood and expected, this gives him tremendous protection, even in the most terrible and difficult circumstances of life. Even when separated from his family, the family man feels the help and protection of family ties.
Austrian psychotherapist Viktor Frankl went through the horror of German concentration camps. And the only thing that helped him survive was faith in God and the thought that he needed to live at all costs in order to meet again his wife, whom he loved very much. He talked about his life in the camp in the wonderful book Saying Yes to Life. It describes the psychology of prisoners very well, and very many of these people survived only because they knew: somewhere, far away, there are relatives, close people who love and wait for you, and you need to continue living in order to see them.
It is worth working hard for our family to become a temple for us, a fortress that protects us from all everyday hardships.
They talked about family happiness, about the fact that happiness is, first of all, the inner state of a person, "the Kingdom of God that has come within you." This is the threshold of paradise - the future "Kingdom of Heaven" - which should begin already here, in our souls and in our family. What is our earthly life? Preparing for eternal life. What state of mind a person will reach, with this he will go there. In a family we are not saved separately, here we are doing our service: we are saved ourselves and help others to be saved. As St. Gregory the Theologian says, "being one flesh, (spouses) have one soul and by mutual love awaken in each other the zeal for piety." That's why:
Rule 1. Never forget about the main thing. In all circumstances of life (and especially in difficult ones), one must remember that we live together not in order to find out who is right and who is wrong, or to re-educate each other, but in order to save ourselves together. Strive for peace, love and happiness.
Recently one of the readers left a comment-question after an article about happiness: "Is it possible to have a happy family when one of the spouses is unhappy?" No, my dears, of course, it is impossible, then it will not be family happiness, but something else. My family should be inseparable from me, only then can it be called happy. From here comes the following rule:
Rule 2. The family is WE. After 15 years of marriage, I discovered an interesting feature in myself. I no longer perceive myself at all without my family, apart from it. It already seems to me that my loved ones - my spouse, children - have always been with me, almost from birth. Although, of course, I perfectly remember all the events of childhood and adolescence, that is, the time when I was not yet a married person.
And this is not only my personal feelings. Other people told me the same thing, by the way, they are not always happy in family life. Why is this so? Whether we like it or not, we are no longer alone in the family, our life and our spiritual well-being are inseparable from the life of our loved ones. And their well-being depends on ours. If a person tries to live his own life, separate from the life of the family, then there will be no happiness in the family. In family life, you need to forget the pronoun "I" and, conversely, always remember another word - " we". Everything: having married, I am no longer alone and must constantly think about how to make it so that it would be good not only for me, but also US.
I know several married couples where the spouses took a very dangerous path: seeing that their life together somehow did not work out, they each began to live their own lives, just under one roof, even spending their holidays separately. Each of them found his own, more or less convenient, niche in hobbies, work or something else, hid in it from adversity and somehow continues the family existence. This, of course, is not a way out of family problems, but simply leaving them, which usually ends in the breakup of the family.
And my acquaintances also did not find comfort and peace, living a separate life. All of them, at least, experienced the strongest mental discomfort. Because the family is only alive when we together.
Rule 3. Try to communicate more. Despite being busy outside the home and numerous household chores, I found and those are the times for family communication. Communication is the basis of a good relationship between spouses. Nowadays, many people are forced to work very hard to feed their families. But, no matter how tired you are at work, no matter how much you want to rest, relax, disconnect in the evening, still find time to talk with loved ones, at least spending less time watching the TV, at the computer or long phone calls. You will not regret it. A huge number of married couples broke up simply because the spouses almost stopped communicating.
One can treat the well-known book of Archpriest Sylvester “Domostroy” in different ways, but this monument of ancient Russian writing of the 16th century contains a lot of wise advice, including those concerning conjugal communication. For example, spouses are advised to eat food together: “But it is not suitable for a husband and wife to have breakfast apart, unless someone is sick; eat and drink always at the right time. " A meal is a time when the family gets together and current affairs can be discussed. In another place in Domostroi it is also said: “The master should consult with his wife about all household matters ...” This is just another rule about this.
Rule 4. Discuss pressing problems. Make important decisions together. I was convinced from my own experience that when a problem is “spoken”, discussed, asked for opinions and advice from others, it is always possible to make a more balanced and correct decision, especially when it comes to matters that are important for the whole family. If you ask for advice, then you respect, and this always disposes, serves to strengthen family relations. In addition, the other person sees the problem from a different angle and may notice what you did not pay attention to. When communicating, you need to discuss not only important matters, but also any questions that interest you.
Rule 5. Respect each other. When I told one woman to respect her husband, she objected to me: her husband does not like this word. Somehow, in response to her words about mutual respect, he replied: "What, you and I are alcoholics, perhaps, to respect each other?" Well, well, a person does not like the word "respect", there is another wonderful word - "honor." And not only the wife should show her husband daily reverence as her head, but the husband is also obliged to honor his wife, treat her with care - as a being more fragile, tender, weak. To honor in it the priceless image of God and value it as a gift given by God Himself. And, of course, children should respect their parents, and parents should respect children.
Do we want our loved ones to treat us well, respect us, listen to our words? Let us ourselves be the first to give them an example of such an attitude. As they say in the same "Domostroy", teach "by example."
Rule 6. Do not try to remake, re-educate your soul mate. To be able to see the good, bright sides of your loved ones and your family life. Women (and men as well) often come to me who are very dissatisfied with the behavior of their loved ones and their family life in general. I will not give specific examples here, I’ll better analyze them later, when we get to questions and answers. As a rule, all these people see their life as hopeless, gloomy and devoid of any joy. In their loved ones, they also no longer notice anything good. After listening to their long stories, I usually try to find out through leading questions: what is still good, positive left in their family life? And then, again with their help, I help paint a completely different picture. And it turns out that the people around them are very good, and there are a lot of bright, pleasant moments in life, you just need to be able to see it all. Sometimes it turns out to help people take a fresh look at their family situation. It is very important to see the positive aspects of your loved ones and try to change not the people themselves, but the attitude towards them and with them.
Rule 7. Do not give vent to anger and other negative emotions. The angry one is always wrong. Anyone understands that irritability, anger, quarrels destroy a good relationship. But anger also doesn't solve any problem. Because in anger, it is almost impossible for a person to make the right decision: his mind is darkened. “In times of anger, one should neither speak nor act,” said Pythagoras. And all serious conversations should be conducted only in a calm state of mind.
Misunderstandings, insults should not be "salted", but be able to discuss, calmly and without irritation. We are all different, and contradictions in marriage are inevitable, but when with love, without anger, spouses are looking for a solution together, you can always come to an agreement and compromise.
As for other negative emotions - despondency, longing, sadness and others, it should be remembered that in marriage they poison the life not only of ourselves, but also of our entire family. Not only we are personally tormented by these passions, but our relatives and friends also suffer because of us. And at least for the sake of them, you need to fight your passions.
Rule 8. More often to please your family. This rule is in contrast to the previous one - about anger, irritation and melancholy. The modern man in the street is surrounded by negative, frightening information: murders, accidents, catastrophes, just disorder in the country ... And how good it is if we get positive emotions in the family. Is it really difficult at least a couple of times a day to tell each other something good, to share pleasant impressions? A word of affection, gratitude, said in the morning, can improve your mood for the whole day. My mother and I agreed to thank each other even for the most ordinary things: washed dishes, groceries bought on the market, or the swept floor. And, I must say, simple words of gratitude, spoken several times a day, have a very beneficial effect on the atmosphere in the family. Some wise man said: "The joy experienced together is doubled, and the grief already becomes half of the grief."
Rule 9. Provide assistance and show mutual assistance... In each family, each of the members, as a rule, has his own range of responsibilities. Of course, these responsibilities must be performed well, but there are times when the help of loved ones is needed. And the authority of even the most venerable academician will not fall if he helps his wife: he vacuums the carpet while she prepares dinner for the arrival of guests. If there is no mutual assistance in the family, it may turn out, as in one eastern parable. Husband and wife have strictly assigned responsibilities. The wife is responsible for everything inside the house, and the husband is responsible for everything outside the house. And when a fire broke out in the house, the husband did not run to help his wife, and the house burned to the ground.
Mutual help also consists of prayer. “Pray for one another ...” (James 5:16), says the Apostle James.
Here are some principles of a good married life. Someone, after reading all this, of course, can say: “The most important thing in marriage is love, but where is it here? One continuous rules, instructions, recipes. " And love is here at every point. Because it just manifests itself in overcoming selfishness, in mutual respect, in the desire for communication, in condescension and forgiveness of shortcomings, in the struggle with their passions for the sake of loved ones. And without love, or at least the desire for it, it will be unbearably difficult to fulfill these rules, and on the contrary, for those who love they will not be a burden, but help.
(To be continued.)
