I don't know if I love my husband?
And vivid feelings go away, the relationship between partners changes, conflicts begin to arise more often.
In such a situation, it is difficult to understand whether love remains between you or you together just out of habit.
If you want to figure it out, then try asking yourself a few questions:
- Are you happy? If you close your attention to some little things, put aside conflicts and listen to yourself, how will you answer this question? Not when you move to a large apartment / your husband changes jobs / you have a child, but right here and now are you happy?
- Are you ready to work on a relationship? It's no secret that a happy marriage is partners' work on themselves and on relationships. Do you want to make an effort to get out of a crisis situation? And why haven't you started doing it yet?
- Is there something about your partner that you dislike in a relationship? He may be abusing alcohol, not working, or even hitting you. It happens that this is revealed only after several years of marriage. If you absolutely do not like it, then why put up with it?
- Why did you start dating and get married? Maybe there was simply no suitable pair nearby, and then somehow it started spinning? Or did your relatives constantly press on you? Or are you terrified?
- If your partner asks you to break up, how will you feel? Just be honest with yourself. Will you be unhappy? Are you upset? Or will you feel relief?
It is imperative that you answer these questions sincerely. Don't lie to yourself. And then you will understand whether you really stopped loving your spouse or just you, on whom it is worth working.
I do not like my husband. What to do? Learn from the video:
What are the reasons for the fading of feelings in marriage?
, the romance is over and ordinary life has begun.
A man no longer strives to surprise and conquer a woman, because she is already him.
And the woman does not have enough attention, but she has a lot of chores around the house, and she herself forgets to charm her man.
Gradually the couple begin spend time together less often, take less interest in each other, practically do not communicate. Relationships grow cold, the gap between them becomes wider.
Perhaps the man just wants to protect the chosen one from his problems. And a woman is faced with indifference or misunderstanding when she herself begins to talk about something.
The main reason for the fading of feelings is the lack of dialogue between spouses and the unwillingness to work on the relationship.
Don't expect things to work out on their own.... If you ignore the problem, then sooner or later a serious conflict will arise. It is better to immediately discuss emerging problems and misunderstandings.
The psychology of such relationships
It often happens that for some reason a family is either formed without love, or is forced to continue its existence without it.
Psychologists distinguish two types of such relationships:
- old feelings turned into aloofness and indifference. You can often observe mutual reproaches, resentments and a showdown. Everyone is for himself and lives his own life. Perhaps there is even a rude attitude or betrayal. Spouses are not comfortable in each other's company;
- the feeling of love left the couple, but grew into respect and mutual understanding. They do not have strong feelings for each other, but they can continue to live together, being interested in each other and communicating. The partner is still comfortable with each other.
I don't want my man! Reasons and what to do about it? Psychotherapy:
Marriage without love from the point of view of psychologists
Sometimes it happens that the conjugal union created without a feeling of love at all.
For example, a girl unscheduled became pregnant or put pressure on her spouse. Or the man made an offer, and the girl agreed because of the fear of loneliness.
It also happens that a girl just sees for herself profitable future because her fiancé does not suffer from poverty. Or a young man proposes because everyone around says that it's time to settle down.
From the point of view of psychology, marriage is not for love, but because "it's time" or "must" usually leads to disappointment.
Without mutual feelings, it is difficult to conduct a dialogue with a partner, sort out relationships and deal with everyday life.
Girls often think that the spouse will not go anywhere and you can twirl him as you like.
Young people, on the other hand, feel the loss of freedom, such relationships oppress them. Therefore, life together passes in constant oppression until one of the spouses decides to leave.
Is it possible to live in marriage without loving?
Why is it impossible to live without love? Without love, in a marriage between partners, there is most often alienation and unwillingness to compromise. From here constant quarrels and conflicts... Who would like a life like this?
But you can live without love in marriage only if you feel respect for your partner and are ready to be with him no matter what.
Is it possible to fall in love a second time?
It doesn't matter how many years you've been together, always you can refresh the relationship again and again.
This can happen as a result of your collaboration on a relationship or someone else's initiative.
For example, the husband will devote more time to his wife and arrange pleasant surprises.
The wife will begin to better monitor her appearance, stop reproaching her husband and take offense for no reason. And then between you again love will flare up.
How to attract love into your life? you will find on our website.
Marrying Without Love? Is it possible to fall in love with a husband after the wedding? Learn from the video:
What to do to get feelings back?
How to love your husband or wife again? If you do not want to give up and intend to return love to your relationship again, then try the following:
You can often observe such situations that there is no love left, but you need to live together.
What to do in this case? How to learn to live without love:
- At first, try not to breed empty quarrels. Who needs it? Constant showdowns will only spoil everyone's mood. Therefore, before starting another conversation with a claim, it is worth thinking several times: is it worth it?
- Secondly, be respectful of your partner. Whatever it was, but he once meant a lot to you, didn't he?
- third, talk to your spouse. For cleanliness. Explain everything as it is. It will be better if, even in such a situation, you are honest. Think together how you can move on and avoid uncomfortable situations. This will also help to avoid scandals in the future;
- fourthly, show understanding. You may have fallen out of love with your spouse, but could he still have feelings? Do not play with them in any way;
- fifth, do not try to hurt a person on purpose and do not provoke him to make a decision to end the relationship. It so happens that one of the spouses does not want to take responsibility for himself and tries to make the partner break off the relationship.
Decide for yourself if you want to live with this person. If not, then find the strength in yourself to end it all.
Is it worth living in an unhappy marriage for the sake of children? Psychologist's opinion:
When should you decide to leave?
If you still could not understand whether it is a habit, pity for a partner, or feelings just for a while, the feelings subsided, then it is difficult to decide on a break.
Therefore, first you need to understand yourself.
Do you think there is a stranger next to you? Your partner does not cause any pleasant emotions and at the thought of him, you are covered with a wave of negativity?
And most importantly: are you uncomfortable around this person? Well, in such a situation, it makes sense to leave the family. Perhaps both you and your spouse will be able to find new happy relationships in the future.
In any case, there is no need to leave by loudly slamming the door. Show respect for the person you once loved. Explain the reason for this change in your attitude towards him.
If at least a little pleasant remains, then maybe it is worth working on the relationship and saving the family?
When the thought “I don’t love my spouse” sounds more and more insistent in your head, this is a wake-up call... You will have to delve into yourself a lot, talk with your partner and understand already whether you see the future with this person or not.
10 signs that it's time for you to break up:
Hello dear ladies! It is terrible when a woman faces her husband's infidelity, but even worse when it becomes a constant behavior. Today I would like to talk to you about how to live with a man who is cheating. Is there a way out of this situation, how you can influence a man and what to do if you are afraid of being alone.
If there is a chance to make it right
To begin with, I offer you several options for how you can fix the situation.
Understand why your spouse walks to the left. If he has mistresses just for the sake of bed, then you have every chance to change the situation. You need to work on yourself. To become more sexy, relaxed in bed, not to talk about endless headaches.
If serious problems arise in the relationship of the spouses, then their sex life collapses first. First of all, it is necessary for both partners to acknowledge their presence and try to sort out the relationship.
When everyone accepts responsibility for what happened, this is already half the way to success. Then I recommend going to family therapy together. Thus, you can quickly eliminate the causes of the disorder and outline solutions.
Remember that any relationship is amenable to correction. It all depends on the desire and willingness to work on oneself.
There are also other types. Those who cannot miss a single skirt and for them it is more than just pleasure in bed. This is a competition, a hunt. There is a psychological factor involved here that you most likely cannot decide on your own.
Knowing that your spouse is constantly cheating, I recommend that you consult a psychologist who will help you understand what you should do next in such a situation. If you think “it won’t work with us, the psychologist won’t help,” then my answer to you is - just try it.
Don't give up on an idea because it doesn't seem to help you.
Besides, you will be interested in the article "". After all, it happens that the spouse is not going to leave his wife, but he still has a mistress.
Men who cannot remain faithful to one woman cannot be changed by anyone. If a change does occur, it is only at the behest of the youngest person. Someday he will understand everything, come to a conscious decision, find his only one, for the sake of which he can give up a fleeting passion.
But I would not advise you to wait for this and hope for a miracle if the spouse does not crawl out of the bed of other young ladies.
Do not be afraid of change
Because of the fear of being left alone, many ladies endure beatings, humiliation, betrayal, they live with their spouse simply out of fear. My client says: I don’t want to live with him, but I’m so afraid of being alone that I don’t know how to be.
First, remember that on one man the light did not converge like a wedge. If your relationship is not working out, then this is not your person. It is impossible to pull a family alone. Sooner or later, that critical moment will come when the forces will end.
Second, you create your own fears. Man cultivates the fear of loneliness and the unknown. If you don't dwell on it, you will succeed much faster.
If you are not sure of yourself, then be sure to read the article "". You have all the necessary qualities to be desired and loved. Believe me, every person on earth deserves happiness.
Yes, now you can be wildly scared. But it will pass. If you can't handle it at all, find support for yourself. This could be a mom, friend, colleague at work, or a psychologist.
Summing up, we can highlight several points with you.
- If there is a chance to fix everything and improve relations with your husband, then both work on yourself, put your relationship in order and everything will automatically change in bed. The most important thing is to solve the problem together and act as a united front.
- If the spouse is a terrible womanizer, whom even a psychologist cannot fix, then it depends only on you to stay with him or change your life for the better.
Don't be afraid to be alone. I am sure that you will be able to meet a faithful and loving man.
Share your story with us. Why do you think the spouse walks to the left? What's going on in your bedroom? Can you call yourself a good lover? Why do men find entertainment on the side? And does it only depend on them?
Do not despair and believe in yourself!
Good day! Can you please tell me, I'm 31 years old the second time married, two children from different marriages. The first marriage did not work out, probably because of stupidity, and for me and my husband. But we loved each other, but our parents did not love each other and each mother turned us against each other, my mother believed that he was not a man, did not earn money, and generally didn’t know how to do anything, and his mother didn’t like me.
Well, how did it happen that we both just freaked out and parted, and then pride began to play, I could not ask him to return. And he does not know why, maybe for this reason too, or maybe not. Then, in spite of him, I decided to marry someone else, he is from Moscow, rich, he looked into my mouth, wore on my hands, but that was at the beginning. At first we lived together, I quickly became pregnant a second time, I was afraid to have an abortion, a sin! I got married and did not work at home, so he was constantly jealous of my child, he began to drink, although he always drank, he began to humiliate me that I was no one, and I should be grateful to him that he took me with the child, raised his hands to me, I constantly blackmailed, sometimes with money, that the children would be taken away from me. I have been living in my second marriage for 6 years, or rather I do not live, but I suffer. She stayed at home for 4 years, did not work, since at first she was pregnant, then she sat with the child from the second home until she sent it to the garden, she could not go to work, so there was no one to leave with the children. All this time my husband drank and walked, and constantly blackmailed money, and I measured everything, was afraid to leave him, raised my hands, there were constant scandals, I had nowhere to go. After I sent the child to kindergarten, I was looking for work for a very long time. Now the situation with work seems to have improved, but the salary is still small. But when I went to work, I felt like a human being. Yes, and he also understood this and changed a little. After all his humiliations, I did not have feelings for my husband at all, but appeared for another. The other one says that he loves me very much despite the fact that I have two children. But I also feel sorry for my husband to leave in turn. And I'm afraid to start a new relationship, all of a sudden it won't work out again. Then, after work, I went to a cafe with her friends and warned him that I would go for a walk, I came home late, but he started beating and pounding at home, raised his hands at me again, I decided to divorce him, said that I was leaving him, but everything asks to give him a second chance, and I know that nothing will change, although he says that he understood everything and that he will not behave like that.
Psychologist's answer:
Hello, Elena!
I want to say right away that the situation you are in cannot have a simple solution! Therefore, for me personally, your hesitation is understandable. And yet, there are many options for a way out of this situation, but they will depend on your position, which you will take in it, both focusing on your feelings, and considering the impact of this situation on children.
Let's take a look at the events that you described with you! If I understood you correctly, then the marriage itself was not built on "high feelings" for each other! He, as you said, was concluded "in spite" of your ex-spouse. It seems to me that the insult to him, perhaps, to his lack of decisiveness in upholding your relationship, and
the desire to prove to him that you are in demand, interesting to others, is not the best advisor in matters of love and marriage!
It is possible that you were also motivated by the desire to prove your worth as a woman to yourself, especially when the courtship of another admirer is at the level of "wears in his hands, looks into his mouth." When such “requests” for self-confirmation “work” it is very difficult to remain objective and notice some kind of falsity in the relationship! At the same time, a person unconsciously prompts another how exactly he would like to receive confirmation of this significance of his! Hence such a response from the other! At the same time, perhaps this other is guided by his own "scenario" of the development of relations. It can be based on a regular trading system - "today I am for her, and tomorrow she is for me!" Then, upon reaching the goal set by this person, such drastic changes in behavior are possible! After all, now she "must demonstrate to me MY importance!" And this can be a need for support, or a desire to dominate a relationship, or even an aggressive manifestation of a desire to dominate by any means!
Not surprisingly, when such changes occur, "epiphany" occurs. Why haven't I seen this before? How could I be so wrong about a person? Why did he become like this?
The answer to these questions is simple - for the most part it was like that, just while you were busy realizing your "own importance", you did not pay attention to the manifestations of such traits as intemperance, aggressiveness (perhaps as a manifestation of the desire to possess you solely).
Now, over time, you have the opportunity to reconsider your relationship once again, only now having a more sober look at what is happening. Review and evaluate them - how much do they satisfy you as a woman, as a mother? For how long and for what purposes are you ready to continue such a relationship? How can they benefit or harm the formation of your children? Do you have the ability, strength and desire to change your life? When you are able to answer all these questions for yourself, you will definitely find a solution!
Despite the fact that every woman or man has the right to build their relationship according to their own choice, the responsibility for which they take upon themselves, when these same men and women become fathers and wives, the level of responsibility for such a choice increases many times over! Now they also carry it for their children! Their mental state, the present and future of which depends on the development of parental relationships, must also be taken into account when deciding on the development or the possibility of continuing the relationship! Whether they will be "traumatic" factors with which children enter adulthood, or this traumatic component will be minimal, now depends on you as well!
So take courage, wisdom and determination so that your decision is as conscious as possible from all these sides! And the "scales" on which you will have to weigh the "pros" and "cons", and the weights for them are in your hands! Choice is something that everyone does all the time! Do not give up on it and do not put it off until later, when time may already be wasted!
If you began to understand that yours and you live with you only out of habit, do not rush to panic. Understand that love is not asked. It must be achieved and conquered.
Start cultivating yourself. Remember how you were when your significant other first met you. Surely a lot of time has passed since then, and you have changed not only internally, but also externally. Get yourself in order, update your wardrobe, get a new fashionable haircut. Take a close look at your figure. Chances are, you put on a few extra pounds as you age. Go on a diet, exercise, or start eating healthy foods. Eat less fried and salty foods, prefer boiled fish, meat, vegetables. Give up sweets, replace it with fresh fruit.
After you feel attractive again, try to awaken your husband's love. Joint pleasant memories will help you with this. Take him for a walk to the places you visited when you were young and in love. Review your shared photos, find gifts that you gave each other a long time ago. Positive emotions can awaken old feelings in your spouse.
Surround your lover with care and attention. He must understand that next to him there is a loving and sincere person who is able to come to the rescue at any moment.
Remind your significant other of your feelings and say that he is still very dear to you.
How to get over the indifference of your husband?
If you can't return your spouse's love, you can act in two ways: tolerate cohabitation without feelings, or divorce.
Choosing the first option, you can comfort yourself with the thought that love is too deep a concept. It includes friendship, understanding, respect, habit and passion. Surely there is everything in your relationship except passion. Then bring her back. Try to bring something new into your intimate life, your husband will definitely appreciate it. Have romantic dinners that can culminate in your revealing dance and stormy night.
If you understand that further life together does not make sense, put an end to it and file for divorce. Of course, parting is very difficult to survive, but believe that in the future you will definitely meet a man who will love you and make you happy.
