“My husband constantly takes offense at me and does not talk to me for a long time. This happens so often that I am already beginning to doubt everything I do. I would like to somehow stop this offense, talk to him. I take steps forward, but in response there is only a gloomy silence. One gets the impression that the resentment seemed to have blocked his body and thoughts, completely fettered him. And it is impossible to push him apart. More often the husband is offended by trifles. What should I do? How can you help him cope with resentment? How not to be offended by your husband at such a moment? "
From the history of one appeal to a psychologist
If the husband in the family is constantly offended, this greatly complicates the relationship between the spouses. There is a misunderstanding, confusion. Quarrels occur more and more often, and reconciliation is more and more difficult. On the basis of resentment, it is impossible to maintain a trusting, open relationship. Doubt and fear of being misunderstood make the wife hide her feelings and worries. There comes a time when, next to a touchy husband, a wife begins to feel insecure and lonely.
System-vector psychology of Yuri Burlan helps to understand why it happens that the husband is constantly offended. What should the wife of a husband who is constantly offended and silent do? Is it possible to save a relationship if the husband is offended and left?
What kind of husband is constantly offended
A husband who is constantly offended by his wife has such a feature in his psyche - to be offended. Not all people have it. Just imagine, if all people in the world "knew how" to be offended, we would not have talked to each other for a long time, we would have walked gloomy, sulky. And only they would take revenge on each other for the wrongs inflicted.
Sometimes completely different manifestations - anger, irritation, annoyance - we can call resentment. But this is not at all the case. Touchiness is exclusively a property of a person with an anal vector. His heightened sense of justice serves as a kind of center of gravity to maintain psychological balance. And the basic values - honesty, loyalty, decency, straightforwardness, the desire to be the best - like weights on the scales control this balance.
A husband with an anal vector seems to subconsciously weigh all relations between spouses on his scales of justice. Family for him makes a lot of sense, because by nature he is a caring husband and the best father, the keeper of the family hearth. Caring for the well-being of his family, he expects the same positive return from his wife.
And if suddenly the scales are tilted not in his direction, he cannot endure it - there is a vital desire to take revenge, that is, restore balance. After all, "as it comes around, so it will respond" - the main motto in his subconscious. Such a good weight of resentment is just the way for the wife to think about her behavior and begin to correct herself.
Why is my husband constantly offended?
A man with an anal vector often becomes a hostage of life experience, in which the relationship with his mother and the experience of relations with the first woman play a special role. Since by nature a boy with an anal vector is not very confident in himself, he constantly needs his mother's support and approval.
And what if my mother was undersized, underestimated, that is, did not understand its natural properties? There is a resentment towards the closest person, which is often not realized. Further, the resentment will be projected onto all women. And what if the relationship with your first wife was unsuccessful and caused great pain? For a man with an anal vector, who has gone through a painful experience with his first wife, who cheated on him, all women will be bad, "whore ...".
And now the new relationship will crack, because the resentment deep inside will not allow you to fully trust your wife, accept from her and give her your feelings. Even if she is absolutely perfect - why to take offense at her and not talk, the husband will definitely find.
Gradually, the resentment literally gets used to the man. Like ivy wraps around the trunk of a tree and takes away its nutritious juices, resentment prevents a man from enjoying a relationship with a woman. And now the husband is constantly offended by trifles. Touchiness becomes his character trait. A peculiar form of revenge, with the help of which he, as it were, broadcasts to his wife: "You are wrong to me, I will punish you for this, so that you will remember for the rest of your life that you cannot do this to me.".
What should a wife do if her husband is constantly offended?
To be offended is a completely natural reaction for a husband with an anal vector. If he repeatedly asks that his favorite slippers stay in place, the tube of toothpaste was closed and his favorite shelf was always in order, and his wife does not respond to his requests, considering them not important, then how not to harbor resentment? Having received a sincere apology from his wife, an attentive attitude to his requests and slippers in their place, the husband easily gets out of the state of resentment, comes into psychological balance.
But if the husband is constantly offended unreasonably, out of the blue finds a reason for resentment, and all attempts to please him are in vain, it's time to get acquainted and understand the deep reasons for the husband's pathological resentment. To do this, you need to understand the properties of the anal vector at the free training "System-vector psychology" by Yuri Burlan. Here we show the basic mechanism.
The good memory given by nature for brilliant studies is used incorrectly, and as a result, the offended man remembers the injustice for a very long time, sometimes for the rest of his life. It happens and it is completely ridiculous - already in his life there is no person at whom he was offended, but the offense still lives in his heart.
And the excellent ability to analyze, systematize and generalize the accumulated experience (the qualities of a true scientist, a professional doctor in his field) in some cases leads to the fact that an offended man continues to put weights of resentment on his scales of justice already in a relationship with another woman. Libra breaks - and so does relationships. But she was not the one who betrayed, cheated or deceived. Why is he taking revenge on this one, but this one? The new wife will personify his first offender, whom he still wants to take revenge on.
At the same time, it is difficult for a wife to maintain balance and act calmly when her husband is constantly offended, and even does not speak. Often the insult is accompanied by insults, humiliation. The relationship between spouses can be compared to a two-way traffic. Therefore, the wife's reactions to her husband's resentment are also of great importance and largely depend on what mental properties she possesses.
Often paired with such a man, you can meet a woman with a skin vector. Her psyche is naturally flexible and switchable, opposite in properties. Concentrated on work, career, money and saving time, she does not always have time to clean up the house, which is very important for her beloved husband.
Her husband can react with irritation to her flickering and constant haste. And even unwashed dishes will provoke resentment and a desire to criticize the "negligent" spouse. The husband's inadequate resentment (after all, she simply does not have time to do this, because she is busy with more important matters) can greatly anger the owner of the skin vector. She may respond by refusing to have sex, which will naturally exacerbate relationship problems, leading to even greater misunderstandings between spouses. All this can end in mutual insults and humiliation.
It is often found in the modern world that a woman has both cutaneous and anal vectors. In this case, the wife's reaction to her husband's resentment will still depend on her ability to switch between vectors. After all, her values in the anal vector are the same as those of her husband in a good mood: honesty, homeliness. She wants to be a good wife.
But an unfair resentment on the part of a husband will certainly collide with that of a wife. And then both offended spouses, in a desire to take revenge, may not talk from several hours to several days. Have you met such couples?
The husband is offended - the woman is afraid
“... And ... we are together again! What a joy it is to be able to do the work on the mistakes where it needs to be done! When you have time to fix things, start over. Family saved! Divorce petition destroyed. And as the Phoenix bird is reborn from the ashes, so our relationship has returned to life!
We celebrate each month of our reunion and decision to build new relationships. The sixth has already gone! We meet again, and it's great! I love my husband! I was not left without this feeling. And most of all I want to give him as much happiness as possible !!! I know that there is no limit for development and I gasp with anticipation. All relationships between people are based on emotional connections ... "
Good day! the situation is as follows. I am married a second time. from the first marriage of 2 children of a girl of 7 and 10 years old. in the second marriage gave birth to a third child 1 year 2 months old boy. for her husband, this is a long-awaited child. he is terribly afraid and worried about him, for any action on the part of relatives (children, grandmothers, aunts, etc.) that causes fear of my husband, a version is put forward of how this might end (usually tragically). accordingly begins to yell, to be rude. sometimes phrases pop up in relation to children saying they want to kill him. once again does not allow the girls to cuddle their younger brother, immediately followed by the words "are you sick? or are you normal?" ... and each time the degree of rudeness increases. very much annoyed with his mother, resentment has lodged since childhood. and whatever she does, explodes and such an OP is in the house. after communicating with her, he takes all his anger at me, and even worse at a child who is not at all in business. then it pisses him off that she went to the shower or the toilet at the wrong time, then he will pick on how she went to the toilet, how she washed it off after herself, how she sprinkled it with freshener. , then do not say be healthy dad when he sneezed. made a remark to her, and she told her mother be healthy (apparently she was immersed in her thoughts and did not notice that someone sneezed). as a result, the words "completely fucked up my brains" flew to her address. After that, I could not stand it and yelled at my husband, calling him the last Haml. Now I don’t know how it will end. he is very sensitive and selfish. can send a mother, stepfather and aunt to 3 letters and not apologize. which it was quite recently. Firstly, when they began to live together, from time to time he spoke unflatteringly about my father, I asked him not to offend my parents. then a year ago, when I just gave birth to my son, he had a quirk that my parents were calling their youngest daughter in order to overhear what we were talking about at home. as a result, in front of his 6-year-old daughter, he smashed a tablet, presented for the new year by his grandfather and grandmother.
he is a good person, he is all in the house, he works, on weekends he tries to organize everyone somewhere, he cooks deliciously, but he cannot cope with his emotions. annoyed at me and the children. I no longer insulted me. and I cannot be offended, otherwise he may be offended. older children are already tucked up, sometimes they are looking for an excuse to find fault with something, they said wrong, did not do so or, on the contrary, did not do it. and always he has someone to blame, someone extreme. He pokes everyone's nose, but does not see any wrongdoing behind him. and then he gets offended like a little spoiled child.
whether in childhood they did not love ...
I am constantly accused that we do not have sex, I have already started a calendar in which I mark the days (complete nonsense, but this is a necessity) and even this fact he does not believe. rages when children do not fall asleep for a long time, or even worse, they start to get up at night to go to the toilet, drink, etc. explained more than once that these are children and you cannot explain to them that the parents want to be alone, but sit in your room and endure and do not go out until morning. and stuff like that.
it has already come to the point that she responded a little sharply to his indignation for any reason, he echoes me in response that I behave very badly! I made it clear that I was not 15 years old and he took me as a wife with family experience and two children and I did not need to make comments about my behavior. I am quite an adult and independent person. I am 36 years old, and my husband is 40. sometimes I want to say that he didn’t pick us up, laundered, fed us. at the time of our acquaintance, I had been divorced for 2 years, I was an entrepreneur for 3 years, and on this basis we met. I had my own car, bought an apartment, and several times went abroad with my children. in one word, she was a successful business woman. now he morally nagged so that I became a typical housewife, although staying at home is not my thing.
Please help me figure out how to behave, it is a bad business to drag him to a specialist. I just want to understand for myself how to behave properly with my husband. yelling and cursing is not about me. keeping silent is even worse.
thank you in advance
Question to the psychologist:
Good day! I would like to consult with someone, because I no longer have the strength to keep this in myself. We met my husband three years ago, he looked after me very beautifully, there were always armfuls of flowers, happiness in our eyes, we were in love. Ten days later they began to live together. Everything was just great. It was the happiest time of my life. He is the first man I really love. Four months later, we learned that we were expecting a baby. Everything was great, support, love, attention. A baby was born, we were happy. He helped with the baby, loved us. There was only one problem, we didn't have an apartment and we rented it. But, since at the time of my acquaintance I did not work (I stood on the stock exchange and received almost the same salary), and when I became pregnant, the stock exchange ended, but I could not go to work. Because tonicity, problem pregnancy was increased. However, I received maternity payments in the amount of the minimum wage. There is less money, my husband is a builder, and in winter it’s hard to work. In the season, however, it comes out very well. The husband literally a week after giving birth began to say that it was time to look for a job. Because he believes that if a person does not work and does not have a salary of 1000 euros, with a minimum wage of 300, then he is insignificant. Because of this, scandals began. At first it was just like he would sometimes call him a fool with a word, a couple of times after the quarrels I sent him. And from this it went more and more harshly. With each month, the aggression grew. I can't go to work yet. Because no one helps with the child. In a week, the kid's kindergarten will begin, I will look for work. About four months ago his brother came to live with us and since then my husband calls me different three-story obscene words. I do everything wrong, fat (65 kg with a height of 176 cm), stupid sheep, as well as obscene words (I will not write here) and other very offensive words. I am a bad housewife, mother, wife, person. Recently said that I hate you because your mother hates you. That it would be better if I died, he and his son would have lived fine without me. She always complains that there is not enough sex. But after his insults, I don't want anything. I'm starting to hate myself. By the way, I have an even relationship with my mother, see each other, sometimes he will sit with his son, but he does not worry about me at all. He may not call for weeks, and he will not let him live with him. We lived with her this winter, three weeks later we were kicked out. My husband blames me for everything, says that I am a witch, he has been spoiling him all his life. It's just that this is not a single such treatment of him, this communication with him has become normal, we have no other communication. I annoy him, it pisses him off that I can speak, says that I need to cut off my tongue. Today he said, when I just wanted to touch up my eyes, it’s two minutes that I would be fucked right now. He often says he wants to hit me. When he has a weekend, it's hell, only scandals. And it hurts so much, it hurts so much. He is the dearest person to me, he and our son. I do not understand why he is so with me. In my head it does not fit at all how you can treat your woman like that. I cry often, trying not to see my son. I often look at other couples and understand that something needs to be done. I really want to save my family, but I don’t know how to cure him. He also had a hard life, his father, who scoffed at them, he is nervous, with complexes, considers himself cool, that he earns a lot of money, but he does not respect me. Recently we took an apartment in installments, so he says that you are no one here. After 5 years, he will pay and rewrite it to another person so that I don't get anything. He says that I have nothing, no car, nothing. All of it, and will not give anything to me, even the gold will take everything and the phone. He says that I only sit in an iPhone. By the way, I’m in order at home, I cook food every other day, by the way, even if I don’t cook, there is always food in the fridge. And he needs the first, second and dessert. And I simply don’t have time for this. The son is very active and not obedient. I do a lot with him, he sleeps very badly at night since birth, I swing him half the night. Strength from this does not increase, and understanding is zero. And I just want a friendly family, loving, understanding. I want to be admired, even if sometimes I do something wrong or something does not work out. I just want to come and hug me, I do not have enough warmth. I want him to play with our son, which also doesn't particularly appeal to him. I can’t live like that anymore, I want to be loved, and not a woman who is only addressed with obscene words.
Psychologist Alina Vladimirovna Lelyuk answers the question.
Christina, hello!
A relationship is always the responsibility of two people. And so it does not happen that everything is good, and someone suddenly becomes bad, and the other victim. In all the problems and misunderstandings in the relationship, both people are to blame.
Only on your letter I have more questions than answers. Not being able to hear your answers, I will only assume. And honestly answer all questions for yourself and draw conclusions.
“The husband, literally a week after giving birth, began to say that it was time to look for a job. Because he believes that if a person does not work and does not have a salary of 1000 euros, with a minimum wage of 300, then he is insignificant ”- what happened between you at that time? What was the relationship like? Did you pay attention to your husband? After all - “The baby was born, we were happy. He helped with the baby, loved us. "
Remember that time. Was it winter and my husband had no job? Perhaps he felt humiliated that he was not earning the necessary amount of money for the family. He needed your support, and you, perhaps, did not react and did not support you somehow? What happened then?
“Because of this, scandals began” - that is. he wasn't just expressing his displeasure. And you also expressed your dissatisfaction with him. I understand correctly? Perhaps, in the process of sorting out the relationship, you said something that greatly hurt him. So he began to "continue" to sort things out with you on a daily basis.
“At first it was just like he would sometimes call him a fool with a word, a couple of times after the quarrels I sent him. And from this it went more and more harshly. From every month the aggression grew more and more ”- I cannot say that this is natural, but very predictable. Christina - a woman should be flexible. This means - sometimes to be silent, sometimes to turn the conversation to another topic. Sometimes apologize if you said something unnecessary. Did you apologize to your husband for sending? You have humiliated his male pride. The woman who lives with him and we can say at his expense - also sends him. This means that he does not appreciate, does not love, does not respect. This is how men perceive these messages most often.
“Says that I only sit in an iPhone” - how often do you sit in it with your husband? Did you know that women's housework is not particularly visible. But if the husband comes home, and instead of communication and attention to him, you are sitting on the phone - this is not entirely correct. And it can really be annoying.
“He also had a hard life, his father, who scoffed at them, he is nervous, with complexes, considers himself cool, that he earns a lot of money, but he does not respect me” - do you respect him? For the fact that he earns a lot of money, pays a loan for an apartment, provides you with the most necessary things? He's really cool and it is important for him to feel that you think so too. If you do not understand this and do not begin to respect him, he will treat you in the same way. In a relationship, everything is mutual. Each mirrors the relationship of the other.
Christina, I'm not trying to justify your husband. I just want you to understand what could have happened and why. After all, in order to understand what to do next, you definitely need to know what you need to work on. And you need to work first of all on yourself. Knowing his story about a difficult life and that he is nervous, sometimes try to keep quiet and not swear with him.
Think about how well you did it. Money, or rather lack of it, is a huge test for a couple. And not everyone goes through it. After all, it was this topic that began to destroy your relationship. And you both went too far on that.
“I want to be admired, even if sometimes I do something wrong or something does not work out. I just want you to come and hug me, I do not have enough warmth ”- does your husband have enough warmth? DO YOU admire him? DO YOU show feelings for him?
Most often, you need to give before you receive. Do you want admiration? Give your husband the same. Do you want warmth? Treat it warmly too. Whatever you want, your husband wants too. Give it all to him.
Make a good habit of thanking him for everything he does for you and your son. But he does a lot. Do you often thank? Start doing it. Only sincerely and honestly. Flattery and deceit are very subtly felt and, unfortunately, have the opposite effect.
You can invite your husband to talk calmly about your relationship. Give thanks for everything he does. To say that in some places you were wrong and said a lot of unnecessary things. That YOU would like to apologize for this. That you still love him very much and really want to improve relations.
Christina, as soon as you and your attitude towards your husband begin to change, your husband will also begin to change. And there is a high probability that you can still be a friendly, understanding and loving family. And now all the responsibility is on you. Let everything take its course and wait for the relationship to become completely unbearable, or try to fix everything and mend it. The choice is only yours.
Alternatively, you can wait until the baby goes to kindergarten. Find yourself a job and then decide whether you need such a husband or not. When you start earning money for yourself and your child on your own, your attitude towards the situation will change. Perhaps your husband's attitude towards you will also change. But that, as they say, time will tell.
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Rating 4.86 (78 Votes)Often, women have the question of what to do if the husband constantly insults and humiliates, the advice of a psychologist in this situation will help to cope with the problem. When a woman gets married, she wants to be loved, to create comfort in the house, to give birth and raise worthy children. But it happens that a person who was dear only yesterday turns out to be a monster today, from whose lips swearing constantly flies.
The wife feels humiliated, tries to find flaws in herself, to eliminate them, to treat her husband more kindly, but this does not work. Humiliation and insults continue to pour from his lips, often the situation comes to assault.
She would take her and leave, but children are already growing up, and her husband is still beloved. What to do in such a situation, to forgive and wait for him to change his mind and change, or to pack his things and leave an inhospitable home?
Love without guarantees from a man humiliates and insults a woman.
Sunday Adelaja
Reasons why a husband humiliates his wife
There are several reasons for constant humiliation and insults, and a different approach to their solution is required.Here are the main reasons why a husband can insult and humiliate his wife:
- Warm feelings for his wife have already passed, but love needs support, feelings by themselves gradually cool down, and the moment of cooling comes for any couple. If during this period you try to strengthen the relationship, they will be restored, but both spouses must work. If for some of them this stage does not mean anything, problems are not far off.
- Husband got a mistress... In this situation, it is more convenient for him to humiliate and insult his wife in order to force her to leave first and file for divorce. So a man unties his hands and frees up the territory for new relationships, into which he has already plunged headlong.
- The man no longer has respect for his wife.... There are several reasons, one of which is the spouse's maternity leave. During this period, many ladies do not take care of themselves, they are busy only with the child and do not give the husband the attention he requires. His wife now only annoys him.
- A man's self-esteem is very low thus he raises her, humiliating the woman.
- The woman herself is disrespectful to her husband., totally controls him, constantly asks where and why he went, when he is at home, rummages in his phone, rummages in things, fumbles in his pockets.
- The woman is afraid to aggravate the situation even more, therefore she silently demolishes the indecent behavior of the man... Among the reasons are the main ones: she has nowhere to go or she is heavily dependent on him financially.
Psychologist's advice is simple: if this happened for the first time, then you need to calmly ask your husband not to talk to her in such a tone anymore, otherwise the “conversation” will have to be stopped. The reasons for the rudeness on the part of the husband can be anything, but he must control himself, so you should not silently react to his offensive expressions.
You can tell your husband about feelings, about love, that such words hurt the soul and are very unpleasant. To report that you can change something, change yourself, but together, and if there is a problem, you need to voice it tactfully, find a way out together.
It happens that the husband does not want to react in any way to the words of his wife, does not want to change anything in himself, then this is a reason for a woman to think about whether she needs such a relationship, and what more radical measures she is ready to take.
But, when there is an acute question of what to do, if the husband constantly insults and humiliates, then this may be a temporary or permanent separation - a divorce.
If you hear only insults from your husband, will it be better later?
When a man constantly calls his woman offensive words, finds fault with her for any reason, this does not mean that she is bad and he is trying to fix her.The reason may not be immediately noticeable, and the woman will never change the way he wants. The couple has not been married for the first day, while the wife has not become worse, there are children and she takes care of them. In such a situation, the reason lies in the husband himself.
He may be dissatisfied with himself, his own career, salary, the team may dislike him. But he does not want to look for the reason in himself, change himself, correct the situation, it is much easier to come off at home with his wife. A wife can point out to her husband his own mistakes, failures, but this is not the way to find a way out, you can only aggravate the situation, make him angry.
There are two steps you can take:
- Pack up and leave it.
- Wait until he realizes the reason on his own... But in this case, you can waste many years to no avail.
If he got to the point that he can humiliate his wife in front of strangers, in front of children, then the situation will not get better. It is convenient for him to solve his own psychological problems in this way. We'll either have to endure, or take drastic measures, that is, get away from it.
A man wants to feel superiority over the victim, if you do not stop this, you can no longer remember your own name in the future, but he will call him whatever you like, and always offensive. If, when trying to change the situation in this case, the husband does not draw conclusions, there is no need to call him names in response, he will not change.
What if my husband hits?
If the husband raised his hand, who is he, a scoundrel or a worthy man? Many women think that this is a manifestation of true love. But if this is a problem, and the husband constantly humiliates, insults and beats his wife, and even with a child, then what to do? The problem is that the man in this case does not feel any remorse.
He believes that she herself is to blame, brought. He's had a hard day at work, and she's right there by the arm. Or you had a nice conversation with your neighbor, get it! There is no need to flirt.
Some men see beatings as a last resort to "convince" his wife that she is behaving incorrectly from his point of view. You can find fault with everything, even with the fact that the wrong slippers were filed at the doorstep. Unfortunately, such behavior of men has been justified for centuries, but today a marriage of equal people is concluded, and not subordinate to one another!
Is it possible that male authority is earned by beatings, and this is male consistency? But alcohol is often the reason for violent behavior, it causes aggression, which has no motives. You need to think about whether you want to live with an alcoholic in the future? The way out is obvious.
A man suffers from an inferiority complex, his career is at zero, he has not achieved anything, neither a position in society, nor a decent salary. A person who has not succeeded anywhere wants to feel like a master at home. If the wife tries to show independence, she will be severely punished, especially if she is higher in the career ladder and has an income that exceeds her husband's earnings.
The husband does not need to look for reasons for the beatings, he will pick on everything. And often raises his hand against children, crippling them mentally and physically. According to statistics, tens of thousands (about 50,000) children flee their homes every year, fleeing parental beatings and bullying.
Approximately 2,000 children try to commit suicide every year. A huge number of children sit in a juvenile colony for the murder of their father, from whose violent behavior they saved their mother or saved themselves. And to maintain such a relationship for a woman is already a crime against her own children.
If a woman is faced with humiliation in the family, psychologists give unequivocal advice:
- To think that the husband will change his mind overnight is stupid - he will not change.
- One should not show affection, care and love in response to humiliating words; a positive result from such behavior should not be expected.
- It is also not necessary to insult in response, the wrong tactic.
- It is also not necessary to satisfy the whims of the husband without desire.
- It is impossible to re-educate an adult without his own desire.
- It is impossible to think that such a relationship in the family is the norm, it is not so.
Conclusion
A person who has crossed the line at least once will cross it again and again, if for the first time it was under the influence of alcohol, later it will be so when he is sober. Maybe not right away, but the situation will repeat itself again. Any domestic troubles will serve as a catalyst for the outburst of emotions, and love will fade into the background.If a woman is already wondering what to do if her husband constantly insults and humiliates, then the relationship has given a deep crack. But if he has also reached the point of assault, and does not hesitate to do it in front of children, then there is only one way out: to leave. This way you can preserve the physical and mental health of your children, your own health, and sometimes life.
Dear women, what do you think, is it possible to forgive and not notice such a husband's behavior, if so, to what extent, and if not, when should measures be taken?
Evgeniya26021995
Good afternoon. We have a very difficult situation ... My common-law husband offends my daughter from her first marriage. I divorced my first husband in September 2015.
Since June of the same year, we have been living with my common-law husband. The daughter does not remember her physiological father and does not contact him in any way. At the beginning gr. My husband treated my daughter very well, we moved to another city from my parents (4000 km). Since we were just starting to live together, they had, let's say, grinding to each other. He brought her up strictly, because grandparents spoiled her a little. He put her in a corner, sometimes spanked her butt for not obeying, but after 5 minutes they were already playing together. But after a while his prohibitions became stricter and, in my opinion, more stupid (don't jump here, don't shout, don't throw toys, don't sing, don't go here, etc.). Now, when I gave birth to my second child (the oldest is almost 4 years old), he has stopped noticing her altogether, ignores her, all the time tells her to go to her room, do not interfere, does not listen to her when she tells him how things are in the kindergarten, on the street, when they sit together for dinner, she gets annoyed at her, although she is already a rather disciplined child, sometimes of course she has pampering, but still she is not 15 years old so that she would sit quietly and peacefully. We quarrel about this every time, because I start to feel sorry for her, to intercede. Now she does not have enough attention from me at all, since K appeared small, she became very capricious and vulnerable (she cries from every offensive word or remark). She says that we do not love her, and in particular me. I don't know what to do anymore ... My husband treats me well, he treats the younger child too, doesn't walk, doesn't cheat, everything is for the family ... But their relationship with my daughter makes me very upset, I don't want my daughter to grow up angry and feeling yourself useless. Now he began to spank her more and more often and harder, then he would grab her hand strongly, then he would hit her on the head, chasing her all the time (Sometimes, of course, he has impulses of tenderness for her, he may hug her and regret it, but still more often he drives her ... ). Help me with advice on what to do, because my strength is gone, all the time on my nerves when we are all at home together
Olesya Verevkina
Evgeniya 26021995, Maria Vinogradova will answer as soon as possible.
Hello Evgenia. Tell me - how old are you, common-law husband and baby now? Do I understand correctly that your husband is working and you are on maternity leave? Say a few words about living conditions - does each family member have enough space in the apartment (does everyone have their own corner)?
You tried to calmly talk to your husband about your feelings ("I'm sorry that my daughter gets so many slaps and slaps on the head. It upsets me a lot, because the girl needs more affection and warmth. What do you think about this?") And explain to him that your daughter is now you need to pay more kind, caring attention, because she has already gone through a certain stress due to moving and getting used to a new person, and now she is unconsciously jealous of the baby and no longer receives the measure of love that she received before? That she can really harbor resentment and anger and grow up angry, unable to build relationships because of this lack of parental support now?
Evgeniya26021995
Hello, thanks for your reply. My husband is 25, the youngest is almost 2 months old. Yes, indeed I am on maternity leave, my husband works alone (he works from home in the morning until late at night and is very tired mentally). We have a 2-room apartment, the older one has her own room, my husband and I live in another room. Yes, I tried to tell him calmly about this, that she is also a child, and that she also needs to be given attention. I gave him an example from my family that my sister's daughter, because of the attitude of her stepfather, now in an older age, completely ignores him as if he is not. He does not understand that his today's attitude towards her forms such a personality out of her that tomorrow will be offended by the whole world, and this may all end badly (i.e., as an adult, she will choose the wrong men, seeing now the picture that is taking shape in our family). More often, of course, I explain this in raised tones, because I cannot watch the child cry because of him ...
Evgenia, of course, you yourself see one of your mistakes - an explanation with your husband in a raised voice. His unfair attitude towards the girl saddens and angers you, but trying to talk doesn't make you feel better. As a rule, adults begin to severely interact with children in accordance with their expectations: the husband probably has the idea that at this age the child should already be in good control of his emotions and actions, be more responsible for what is happening around him, and obey his elders unquestioningly. Moreover, against the background of the baby, the daughter seems to be old enough and capable of fulfilling parental expectations. But this is not so: pick up literature or articles on the Internet that talk about the peculiarities of a child's development at different stages of growing up - let the husband read what he can, and what neither physically nor psychologically can a baby 4 years old.
The second reason why the spouse breaks down on the girl may be his workload. You write that he works from morning until night and is very tired mentally - in this situation, his psyche is looking for an opportunity to throw out the negative emotions accumulated during the day and finds the safest way - a weak, defenseless and unrequited child. Perhaps the husband does not even realize that he is not angry at his daughter, but, for example, at his colleague who walked around him on the career ladder, or at the boss who yelled at the next meeting. And the girl becomes a hostage of the situation, forced to be the object of her father's release.
The third option may be dissatisfaction with the husband of relations with you: some nuances, household trifles, household imperfections or unjustified evening expectations (he came home from work hungry like a wolf, and dinner is not ready) may well become a reason for a splash of negativity to your daughter instead of you ( I repeat - it's safer this way, and the husband feels it).
You need to choose a time when your husband is relaxed, calm and inclined to talk, and openly speak these moments, constantly asking: “What do you think? Do not read lectures, but invite to dialogue. Ideally, a spouse (or the two of you) would not hurt to consult a psychologist - think, is it possible to offer him such an option?
