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Useful properties of fruits

Jokes about wife and husband. Short jokes about husband and wife. Funny jokes about husband and wife short

Jokes about husband and wife

New jokes about husbands and wives, funny to tears

Compiled by Maxim Klim

ISBN 978-5-4485-6902-9

The best anecdotes about spouses. Jokes about bed scenes, family life, marital duty, housework, salary, men and women in general.

Do you want to relax and have fun? Then read this large collection of new burning anecdotes and jokes!

Maximum mood uplift guaranteed. Dozens of pages of laughter and positives !!! Jokes from the people - the people will not write bad things!

Most of all, Klava Sidorchuk was annoyed by the fact that after she had stayed with her mother for several days, returning home, she saw her husband not tired of hard work, but rejuvenated, refreshed and, worst of all, rested !!!

6 a.m. The wife, drunk in the trash, returns home. Her husband runs around her, gets nervous, says in an angry voice: "If I had a knife, I would stab you, if I had a gun, I would kill you." And my wife answers with a smirk: "And you stab me with your horns!"

The husband asks his wife:

- Please do not tell your mother about our quarrels: you can forgive me, but she cannot.

My husband brought me breakfast in bed, and I haven't washed the last one yet.

Father takes his son to the toilet: - One can judge a person even by what he reads in the toilet. Look, I am re-reading War and Peace for the third time, my mother is The Forsyte Saga, and my grandfather is Solzhenitsyn's Red Wheel! What are you reading? Cheap thin brochures of stupid anecdotes for three rubles. What does this mean? - About that, dad, that constipation should be treated, and not be proud of them!

It turns out to be not difficult at all to disaccustom a wife to buy everything - ... just start washing her every purchase with her ...

Here someone wrote earlier, the wife must be chosen so that both to the restaurant and to the neighbor for the apriskos in the garden.

I have a brother, Sasha, and he has a wife, Marina. Once I walked with them and with my kids along the station, heard a cat's mash from the yard of a private house, we look at the kitten sitting on the roof and meowing plaintively. Sasha and Marina went to the yard to save the kitten: they knocked on the house, then Sasha simply put Marina on his shoulders, and they tried to reach out like that. I stand with my kids at the gate and watch. Then, without saying a word, they ran away somewhere behind the house ... I saw they were dragging a ladder to climb onto the roof. In general, when they put the ladder to the roof, the cat was even more frightened and ran away on the roof to a place completely inaccessible for salvation. We met these rescuers at the gate of the house with a song about Chip and Dale. Conclusion: together in someone else's garden - it's easy when there is mutual understanding :)

And they somehow just succeeded, without saying a word or judging whether it was worth it, for everything about 5 minutes. By the way, I only had time to think that I needed to help the cat, and they were already on the roof.

- Is it true that you are divorcing your husband?

- Truth.

- Thank you, but I have already found myself a good engineer.

A happy woman gets up from under the stick every morning!

- What do not you like? The younger brother always carries things after the older brother. - Yes, but we are over 40 years old.

Husband and wife slow down the car. - How much does it cost to get to Gorky Park? - Three hundred. - And if with your wife? - Three hundred. Zhenya: - You see, I told you that you are worth nothing!

One friend says to another: - Imagine, my husband went yesterday and bought a water bed! Expensive. - So this is probably great, a water bed. Excites, and in general. There will be love on the water. - Listen, with the activity of my husband it will not be love on the water, but a cruise in the Dead Sea.

The husband is sitting in the kitchen, the wife is at the stove, she began to throw dumplings into boiling water. The husband follows with a hungry gaze. The wife says:

- You would have found some kind of part-time job.

- You can't earn all the money.

The wife stops throwing the dumplings and puts the package in the freezer:

- You can't eat all the dumplings.

I stopped arguing with my wife about the names of our children, after she said:

- Listen, our children will have your surname and your patronymic, give me at least a name to choose, I still give birth to them!

Nelson Mandela spent 27 years in a South African prison, where he was beaten and tortured every day.

After his release, he returned to his wife, lived with her for 6 months and, having said “I can't stand this anymore!”, Got divorced!

- Imagine, guests came yesterday, and mine began to tell an obscene anecdote. So I kicked him out the door. - Well done! Did the right thing. - And all the guests flooded to hear the ending!

- Darling, do you love me? - Well, judge for yourself, would I just lie on the couch with an unloved woman for 20 years?

Wife: - Dear, what do you like more: my charming face or a beautiful figure? Husband: - Your sense of humor.

Wife to husband:

- Why did you call me by someone else's name during sex?

- It was so dark.

What is family life?

This is when you come home from work, and your wife invites you to either wash the dishes or have sex - you mentally choose the dishes, but in order not to offend your wife you say sex.

And the most annoying thing is that after sex you still have to wash the dishes!

Once, quarreling with his wife, he said that since I bought you, then shut up now. And the one you bought? Well, I say, have you forgotten how I bought you out at the wedding? She goggled her eyes and said, there were also pennies. Well, I say, pennies are not pennies, but for how much they sold for so much and bought. You should have seen those eyes full of pain).

You need to choose a wife with whom you can go to the most luxurious restaurant, and climb into the garden of your neighbor for apricots.

- My husband quit smoking.

- Wow! What willpower you need to have for this.

- Yes, I have it.

An optimist is a person who marries his secretary and imagines that he will continue to dictate to her.

You can wash in cold water for two weeks. Delicate what, damn it, were found. I have already taught my children and my wife.

I warm it up for myself.

The husband returns from the doctor and says to his wife: - The doctor told me that I will not live until morning. Let's drink champagne and have sex all night! - Look, how smart! You won't get up in the morning ...

- My wife without makeup is very scary. Do not believe? Here is a photo. - But this is not your wife !? This is a photograph of a frightened bear. - This is my wife's photo, no makeup.

A husband and wife from the window see a beggar in the square in front of their house.

The wife says to her husband:

- Go, chase him away!

- Why?

- The day before yesterday I brought him something to eat, and yesterday he gave me the book How to Learn to Cook Deliciously.

One day at breakfast, the wife says to her husband:

“You spoke in a dream last night.

“I hope I didn’t interrupt you?”

My wife tells me:

- They say that men are smarter than women. And with you and me: I studied better at school and at the university, I have a higher IQ, I earn more ... What do you say?

- And yet I am smarter, because I married more successfully ...

- Seryoga, your wife is an amazing optimist! How did you find this treasure?

- When I, an inexperienced boy, gave her two roses, she thought for a second, smiled and put them in different vases.

Wife: - I need attention and care! Husband: - Attention! I'm leaving.

I’m like Cinderella - I wash, clean, cook ... - Well I told you - you will marry me, you will live like in a fairy tale!

Husband and wife are flying on vacation. The plane takes off, and then the wife says to her husband: - What a horror! I forgot to turn off the iron. - Are you stunned ?! There will be a fire! But no. I think I forgot to turn off the tap in the bathroom.

5 am. Sobbing comes from the crib. Wife to husband: - Go, it's your turn! Husband, turning on his side: - I did not borrow!

After the betrayal on her part and the departure of her husband, the wife began to make obviously not women's purchases via the Internet, insult close friends, write extremist slogans on her VKontakte page. And why? Well, what a fool is cheating on a hacker ??? !!!

The woman, who got married eight times, was allowed in the registry office to enter her husband's surname in the passport herself.

Any married man should forget about his mistakes - there is no need for two people to remember the same thing.

My husband and I have a second marriage for both. We met abroad, where he and I worked. We are both from the provinces, from simple families, both not handsome, but quite pretty. My parents are happy, but my husband's parents are not very happy. Like, he could have found a younger person, and more educated. (My husband is a candidate of sciences, but I just have a higher education).

As everyone knows, anecdotes arise from real situations that happen in our daily life. Family jokes about husband and wife (funny and even vulgar) are also born thanks to real stories.
We have collected for you the best funny and vulgar anecdotes about a husband and wife, so that you can read and laugh, and perhaps even remember incidents from your life.

The wife and husband are walking down the street late. The husband wanted to pee. He stopped, in between times he was looking at the sky. Looking at the young month, the husband takes out a money and showing it to the month he says: "As you grow, so let the money grow." Seeing this, the wife says to her husband: “You don’t want to show anything else for a month?”

Two people from Odessa are talking.
- Abram, what do you think about sex?
- Oh, Monya, don't fool me! I have 26 children - I have no time to study theory.

Wife with husband in the store:
Wife:
- Don't forget to buy condoms!
Husband:
- Crap! As much as 300 rubles just for 3 times!
Wife (puzzled):
- Someone gives you cheaper !?

- Dear, but I've heard that every time a person lies, his penis decreases!
- According to your logic, it turns out that if you lie a lot, then the member will grow inward?
- It turns out like this!
- Well then, I know such people ...
- And who is it, tell me!
- These are WOMEN!

- Fima! You know, my little Sophie is so lucky ... then she will find gold earrings with an emerald, then a gold chain, then a ring ... And in my whole life, since I found panties under the bed, and then they are big for me ...

In sauna.
- Can you see all the girls?
- Only one remained.
- Damn, I wanted to rest, relax, but everything is like at my house ...

Divorce proceedings. Judge:
- Plaintiff, why do you want to divorce your wife?
Husband: - Yes, she is cold. There is no heat in it!
The wife jumps up:
- Yes, I have warmth, I have it! Only he does not reach him!

I'm not afraid of anthrax, I'm immune.
- What, have you already been ill?
- No, I have a wife from Siberia.

The lady complains to the lawyer:
- My husband and I have no life!
- So get a divorce! - advises the lawyer.
- Well, I do not! I suffered from him for 20 years, and you offer me to take and make him happy in an instant!

Wife to husband:
- Everything, now I do everything at home for money:
- Cook food - 50 rubles,
- wash the floors - 50 r. etc. sex 100 rub.
In the evening he told her:
- Let's have sex.
- 100 p.
He rummaged through his pockets, found 70r.
She:
- Lacks.
We went to bed ... In the middle of the night he wakes up, looks, she rummages in her purse.
He:
- What are you looking for?
She:
- You borrow 30 rubles.

The wife calls her husband:
- Honey, you have a serious problem!
- What's happened?!
- I drove into the Maybach, offered the owner to pay him in kind, he agreed.
- My problem is what?
- The owner is gay ...

I walk around the apartment looking for a wife shouting "Where is my queen?" The answer came from the closet - "On the throne!"

The husband walks around the apartment in shorts. Wife: - Dear, get dressed, guests will come soon.
- Nothing, let them see how you feed me, how thin I am.
- Well, then you would have taken off your panties.
- Why?
- To see what to feed you for.

Wife to husband:
- Listen, yesterday I accidentally looked at the list of your incoming and outgoing calls, .. and what kind of Gene? You didn't tell me anything about him, but every 2-3 calls from him or him ?!
Husband:
- Jealous fool, firstly, if I find out again that you "accidentally" looked at my phone - pray, and secondly, - GENA is the WIFE !!!

On Sunday morning the alarm rings. The husband turns, gets up reluctantly and is going fishing - the men promised to stop by. His wife says to him: “Well, where are you going, look — it's dark outside, cold weather, wind ...” But he still leaves. He stood on the street, it was cold, indeed, the wind, the cold, the men are not going ... I returned home, undressed and jumped under the covers: "Brrrrr, yes, well, well, it's cold!" Don't tell me, the wife agrees. "And my fool went fishing ..."

Jealous wife to her husband looking for a secretary:
- Do not try to hire some young and sexy! Hire a married woman in years, preferably overweight - so that even in your thoughts she does not excite you!
“No problem, honey. Can you go to work on Monday?

Honey, what a beautiful new blouse you have!
She is playful:
- And I have nothing under it
He, without looking up from the TV:
- Do not worry, they will still grow up!

The wife sends her husband to the pharmacy to buy condoms and says:
“By the way, buy me two pipettes at the same time.
The husband returns in a rage:
- I will never go to the pharmacy again !!!
- Why? - the wife is perplexed.
- I ask the saleswoman for two condoms.
She says:
- The condoms are out.
I'm talking:
- Then give me two pipettes. If only you could hear her laugh!

A woman came to the healer and said: "My husband is not very active in the evenings ..." The witch doctor gives her a packet of powder and says that add a pinch to her husband's supper every evening and everything will be as it should be.
My wife made dumplings for dinner, without hesitation, poured the whole bag into a plate and went to make the bed .... Then a husband runs in with huge round eyes (like saucers) and shouts:
- Wife, have you seen how the dumplings are fucking?
- No.
- So go and see !!!

The best joke about a husband and wife

A man and a woman got married, he says to her:
“Since you are my wife, you must respect my habits. I have three of them. First, every Wednesday I play soccer with my friends. Rain, snow, whatever happens - FOOTBALL! Understood?
- Got it, - his wife answers.
- Second: every Friday I play preference with friends. Understood?
- Got it, - his wife answers.
- And finally, the third: every Sunday I go fishing. Winter, cold, mother-in-law's birthday - all the same - I have FISHING. Understood?
- Got it, - his wife answers.
- Well? What do you say?
- I understood everything.
- Any objections?
- No.
- Or maybe you also have some habits?
- Yes, alone. I have sex every night at 9 o'clock. There is a husband at home, there is no husband at home - all the same, I have SEX.

Funny jokes about husband and wife short

Most people love the funniest jokes about husband and wife, which give laughter and joy. And all because anecdotes are funny short stories, with a very witty and unexpected ending.

1. If you do not want to share your husband - just do not nag him.

2. - Dear, the newspaper writes that widows become good wives ...
- So I need to hang myself so that you become a good wife?

3. Yesterday a thief got into our apartment.
- Got something?
- Yes, what is there! She is in the hospital. My wife thought it was me who came back so late.

4. Before I got married, I had no idea that it was possible to put milk in the refrigerator incorrectly.

5. - Bride, have you at least fed the cattle?
- Not yet, mom, your son is sleeping.

6. The wife launches a drunken spouse.
He enters the corridor, carefully closes the door,
looks at his spouse and, thinking, says:
- I'm in the sixth.

Funny jokes about husband and wife

7. Honey, what a beautiful new blouse you have!
She is playful:
- And I have nothing under it
He, without looking up from the TV:
- Do not worry, they will still grow up!

8. The beekeeper was bitten by bees. In the evening, the beekeeper's wife asks:
- Wan, will we be there today or not?
- If it fits, then we will.

9. She was such a faithful wife that she would not even give to her husband.

10. After his wife said: “I really want fried salted strawberries,” the father of seven children fainted.

11. The wife asks:
- Well, how is it in London?
- I was able to do it in London.
- Eh! It would be better if you could be at home.

12. - Hello! Expensive! I want to return to you and the children! - So what? - Please open the balcony door,
It is very cold in here!

Funny to tears jokes about spouses

13. Wife (joyfully):
- Husband came!
Husband (scared):
- Crap! ... ... At least sometimes you think what you are saying! I almost jumped out the window!

14. - How do I know what my girlfriend really thinks about me? The son asks his father.
- Marry her.

15. Husband:
- Where are my screws?
Wife:
- If you mean curly nails, then in the cabinet.

16. Husband to wife:
- Why do you forbid me to drink? I'm a grown man!
- Because you can't drink!
- So I study every time!

17. A man comes to the hospital, the doctor:
- Jump for happiness, your fours were born.
- I would have jumped, but there will be no sense, low, first floor.

- I have a wife - what I need.
- So cool?
- No, if you call her by name, she answers - what do you need?

Honey, when we get married, I will share all my worries and worries with you.
“But, dear, I have no worries or worries.
- I said: "When we get married ..."

I heard your wife is the director?
- Yes.
- And where and on what is she working on at the moment, if it's not a secret?
- She works at home, director of family scenes ..,

The man picks up the phone:
- Is that you dear?
“No, it's me,” the wife replies.

Pregnant wife to husband:

A boy will be born, let's call him Alexander. Alexander Alexandrovich Orlov. Sounds nice!
Husband:
- I DID NOT UNDERSTAND!!!
Wife:
- Ouch! Andryusha, this is not what you thought ...

Did you know that if a penguin finds a mate, he stays with her for the rest of his life?
- Yes.
- Will you be my penguin?

- Tell me, John, why do all girls want to become the wives of rich men?
“Actually, they want to be their widow, sir.

- Fima, I decided to enjoy sex ...
- Like this?
- It's very simple: I decided to take money from you.

How did it happen?
- Doctor, my wife left me!
- Well, my friend, you shouldn't jump from the third floor because of this.
- Doctor, you did not understand me! She just threw, and did not leave me ...

Only our woman, who spent the whole day on the social network, half an hour before her husband arrives from work, will clean the apartment, wash the dishes, cook a delicious dinner, put herself in order and say:
- Honey, I'm so tired ... Will I surf the Internet?

- I do not know what to do! My husband left for America three years ago and is now writing to me to come to him with our two children.
- So what? What is the problem?
- So I have three of them now!

Since we met, - says the gentleman to his lady, - I can neither eat, nor drink, nor smoke ...
- God, is your feeling really so strong ?! - exclaims the flattered beauty.
- No, it's just that there is no money left at all ...

And who are we with you now? she asked, bowing her head and wrapping her arms around her knees. - Friends or lovers? ..
He stood by the window and was silent ...
- Who would you like to be? she asked again.
He looked out the window at the starry sky and answered dreamily:
- An astronaut.

- Did your man tell you "I love you" before or after sex?
- For.

Girls, when they are abandoned by boys, often think: "When I become famous, he will see me one day on TV, remember, and cry bitterly that he missed such happiness."
If this suddenly happens, the boy turns from the telly to the friend sitting next to the beer and says: “Do you see that chick? I am her tra @@ l ".

- Hello! Is this Autoradio?
- Yes!
- My husband Anatoly and I have an anniversary today, and he gave me a bouquet of roses and ten thousand for a new dress. He is on the flight now, play him a song about Tolka.
- Sorry, we do not know this.
- Well kaaaak? And this one, Sofia Rotaru sings: "Only Only Only - this is not enough ..."

- Honey, I hope you will always agree with me in everything.
- Yes honey.
- No, really?
- Yes honey.
“You’re lying, I suppose?
- Yes honey.

The wife calls her home. The husband picks up the phone:
- Hello!
- Kolya, did no fool call us today?
- No, you are the first, dear.

At night, a woman must give birth. In a dream, an angel appears to her and says:
- I will make the father of the child feel half of the pain during childbirth.
She gave birth and asks her husband:
- How did you sleep?
- Badly. The neighbor screamed all night as if giving birth.

A man and his wife are stopping a taxi.
Man:
- Tell me, how much does it cost to get to the market?
Taxi driver:
- One hundred rubles.
Man:
- And if with your wife?
Taxi driver:
- One hundred rubles.
The man turns to his wife:
- I told you, you fool, that you are not worth ANYTHING!

Wife to husband:
“I have two news for you: good and bad.
- Well, what are they?
- I'm leaving you ...
- So, so ... And the bad one?

The husband is returning from a business trip.
The wife is sitting and reading a book.
- Are you back with an affair?
- Roma, come out! He knows everything!

Does the husband find his beloved half in bed with his lover?
Looking at her husband point-blank, she asks:
“Will you believe your eyes or what I’m going to tell you?”

Family relationships are subtle. In addition to positive moments, negative ones can also slip through, such as: quarrels, betrayals, screams, etc. It is all very sad when such cases take place in life. But ... It is thanks to such situations, in general, that anecdotes are formed that can be read on the Hero of the Runet portal. In the life of every married couple, there have been curious cases, funny situations or, on the contrary, sad, I remember which I want to retell them, but already in the form of an anecdote or a short joke! Today we post funny short jokes about husband and wife for you. Natural everyday troubles, which are retold in a humorous form, between a man and a woman - this is a classic!

Short anecdotes and jokes

The wife says to her husband: - I need attention and care. Husband: - Good. Attention ... I'm leaving.

If you are married and you have neither a luxury car, nor diamonds, nor a mink coat ... Congratulations! You got married for love!

The husband consults with his wife: - Darling, let’s give your mother as much money as she is. - Wow, 50 thousand, what, will we give it? - And what, she's just so 50 thousand years old and turned?

- Andryukha, and how did your next new quarrel with your wife end? - How is it - with what? She crawled on her knees to me! - What are you ... And what did she say? - Crawl out from under the bed of the cattle, I have already calmed down!