The Swedish family - this expression has long become winged, and the first association associated with this phrase is that several people in a relationship at once live under one roof. But what exactly is the social unit in this country, and is Swedish marriage so unusual?
Family in Sweden
There is an opinion that the Swedes in the sphere of family relations managed to create "socialism with a human face", while others, on the contrary, believe that it is in this country that the institution of the family is undergoing complete degradation. But in any case, the Swedish family deserves special attention and arouses interest.
The first thing worth noting is a very free attitude towards the marriage union.
Most modern families live without a stamp in their passports, preferring a civil marriage to an official one. Today in Sweden there are 2 types of such relationships:
- Sambu- the union of a man and a woman living together. In this case, the couple registers their relationship with the tax office and only after that they begin to run a joint household.
- "Serbu"- guest marriage. A man and a woman do not live under the same roof, but spend some time together.
Both options are essentially a form of family relationship, but ownership remains separate. Likewise, in either case, couples may have children.
Families in Sweden start at a fairly late age - after 30 years. In addition, the country has a very high percentage of divorces as a result of betrayal. And due to the fact that marriages are not formalized, parting does not take much time - the husband and wife simply go to different apartments.
How to register a Swedish marriage
Despite the fact that official marriages are not held in high esteem in Sweden, some couples still decide to formalize the relationship according to the law.
First, the groom goes to lokala skattemyndighten in order to obtain a marriage license.
After that, the couple is invited for an interview. If the bride or groom is foreign, they will definitely need an interpreter.
At this meeting, both parties must sign a document stating that they have reached the age of majority, are in a sober mind and are not married. Only after that they are issued 2 permits to create a family. One is for official registration, the other is for a church wedding.
Three or four marriages - the so-called Swedish families, although they exist, are not supported by the law. Simply put, only two people can be in an official or civil marriage, and the third (fourth and so on) can cohabit with them without an official signature.
Swedish wedding
Most official marriages in Sweden take place in churches, and weddings are carried out according to the American model.
First of all, the newlyweds go to the temple, the priest reads the oath of allegiance and, after mutual consent, the newlyweds exchange rings. After that, they go to a small room, where a government official officially registers their marriage.
Guests are waiting for the newly minted husband and wife at the exit from the church. It is there that the ceremony of congratulations and shedding "heavenly manna" begins.
After that, everyone goes to the banquet, where drinks and light snacks are already prepared on the tables.
Swedish divorce
Divorce in Sweden is a simple and inexpensive process.
A couple who decide to end their family relationship must submit an application to the judicial authority at their place of residence. If the marriage was concluded in Sweden, but both spouses live abroad, the issue will be dealt with by the capital Themis.
If the divorce is by mutual consent, the couple fills out a document called gemensam ansökan om skilsmässa.
In the event that one of the spouses is against the dissolution of the marriage, the stämningsansökan must be submitted to the court.
The registration fee for submitting documents is slightly more than 100 US dollars.
If there are no small children in the family, and the husband and wife agree on divorce, the whole process will take only a few weeks.
In the event that the breakdown of relations occurs unilaterally, also if there are children in the family who have not reached the age of 16, the term of the divorce proceedings can be increased to six months.
Expert opinion
Maria Lokshina
Family law expert since 2010
In Sweden, lawyers are not always used for divorce. The so-called divorce portal has been operating in the country since 2003. The company's employees prepare all the necessary papers, and the spouses are only required to answer a few questions.
Of course, if there are monetary disputes or disagreements about raising children, it is best to seek legal advice from lawyers.
The unwillingness of one of the spouses to divorce is not the reason for the refusal on the part of Themis.
Same-sex marriage allowed or not
Sweden is one of the most liberal countries in relation to the LGBT community. And since 2009, a law has been in effect here that allows same-sex marriage.
An act of government that addresses this issue is called the Sex Neutral Marriage Act.
Today homosexual couples from other countries often come to Sweden to marry legally. True, he is recognized only on the territory of a European country.
In addition, the Lutheran Church today also recognizes this kind of relationship. And not only traditional couples, but also lesbian and homosexual families can get married in the temple. Sweden became the first country in which the church recognized same-sex marriage, despite the fact that almost all confessions have an extremely negative attitude towards homosexual unions.
Since 2002, same-sex families in Sweden also have the right to adopt children, both from their fellow citizens and from abroad.
Swedish family traditions
The standard Swedish family is a couple of parents and two children. And if earlier the patriarchy reigned in the country, now the spouses are equal in marriage. At the same time, women are well protected socially.
In most families, both spouses work. It is also accepted here that the husband and wife have separate bank accounts. The relationship of the Swedes can be called financially independent. It is not at all surprising when a husband and wife, having come to a restaurant, split the bill in half or each pay for their dish.
Household affairs are also on the shoulders of both spouses. Moreover, there is nothing shameful in the fact that a man will wash the dishes, and a woman will fix the tap in the bathroom.
As for children, they are brought up by free individuals. Corporal punishment is punishable by law. Therefore, children can often afford unnecessary whims.
But the main family value is still respectful attitude to each other.
Family law in Sweden
Establishing families, Swedish law allows from the age of 18. The marriageable age can be lowered under certain circumstances and only with the permission of the competent authorities.
Each spouse has the right to dispose of his property independently and must pay personal debts himself. At the same time, both the wife and the husband are obliged to contribute to the well-being of the family.
All property acquired in an official marriage is also considered common and is divided in half upon divorce. This clause does not apply to civil marriages, where each of the spouses exclusively owns his own property, unless another agreement or a marriage contract has been concluded.
Children in Swedish families have the right to a good upbringing. Moreover, the law prohibits any corporal punishment. The child can call the police and "complain" about mom or dad. Those, in turn, can receive an administrative penalty.
When parents divorce, children have the right to independently decide with whom they would like to live - with their mother or father. Parents have the same right to participate in the upbringing of their children. In the event of a divorce, the separated spouse must pay child support.
Although Sweden is one of the most liberal countries in family law, both parties to a marriage are equally protected by law.
Sweden is going through a crisis of the institution of the family. This is the result of the long-term policy of the Social Democratic Party's government, the goal of which was to gain complete control over society.
A wealthy society of dying alone
Sweden is known for its super concerns (Volvo, Erickson, Ikea, Saab) and large-scale social programs aimed at supporting vulnerable sectors of society. The share of gross domestic product spent, for example, on welfare for the elderly and the elderly is the highest in the world. There is free medical care. About 80% of income taxes go to financing health care.
But there are other statistics as well. In the Swedish capital Stockholm, 90% of the dead are cremated, 45% of the urns are not taken by relatives. The vast majority of funerals take place "without ceremony." The crematorium workers do not know whose remains are specifically burned, because there is only an identification number on the urns. For economic reasons, the energy from the burnt bins is optionally included in the heating of your own home or in the heating system of the city.
The lack of funeral ceremonies is only part of the general tendency to break sensory and emotional ties in many Swedish families. The editor of the Swedish edition Nyliberalen Heinrich Beike, explaining the reasons for the phenomenon, notes: “The family became the target of attacks by the socialists, since by its nature it acts as an organization that is an alternative to state institutions of guardianship. The family is called upon to protect the person. When he has problems, for example, lack of money or poor health, a person can always turn to relatives for help. The Swedish state has been striving for decades to break these family relationships and ties - helping each person directly, and thus making him dependent on himself. "
The right course
It's hard to believe, but even before the early thirties of the last century, Sweden was a poor agrarian country, whose subjects emigrated en masse in search of a better life. Sweden managed to get rich during the Second World War thanks to its cautious policy of "double standards". Despite formal neutrality, it provided loans to fascist Germany, supplied its own weapons and was the largest supplier of iron ore for the needs of the German military industry. Under the leadership of Social Democracy, a number of reforms were implemented in the 1940s and 50s, which together laid the foundations for the Swedish welfare state. The long period of Social Democratic hegemony was interrupted by the economic crisis of the early 1970s, and since 1976 cabinet changes have become more frequent.
Today, the opposition Social Democracy has a new leader, 55-year-old Stefan Leuven, head of the metalworkers' union who worked as a welder. Interestingly, in Sweden, which is famous for its high level of education and its accessibility (80% of funding for universities comes from the state budget), Stefan Leuven became the fourth party leader without higher education. Göran Persson was even prime minister (1996-2006). Apparently, in Sweden, the educational level of politicians is not given much importance (according to studies, it is the lowest in Europe). Here it is considered normal that the Minister of Agriculture is a farmer and the Minister of Health is a doctor. The government (and this is enshrined in the Constitution) only determines the directions, and central government institutions govern the country.
It becomes more and more difficult for them to do this. The general economic crisis and its own problems are also influencing. Sweden is getting old. Average life expectancy is 78.6 years for men and 83.2 years for women. The proportion of the population aged 80 and over reached the highest rate among the EU member states - 5.3%. Of the 9.3 million people in Sweden, 18% are people over 65. According to forecasts, by 2030 their share will increase to 23%.
“If we want our pension to be equivalent to the present in the future, we have to work longer,” said Swedish Prime Minister Fredrik Reinfeldt at a Nordic forum on February 9, 2012 in Stockholm. "Taking into account the decline in the birth rate, you need to retire at the age of 75, otherwise we will repeat the Greek scenario."
Plastic parents
In Sweden, one in four children has roots outside of it (according to the official gazette (www.sweden.se). Most often they are from Iraq or the former Yugoslavia. A whole generation of such Swedes has already grown up. Therefore, a wide variety of nationalities and races are accustomed here.
Of the children born in Sweden, 60% are illegitimate. 20% are brought up by one parent. Young people are in no hurry to formalize relationships - they “grind” in civil marriages, called sambo - when couples live together, and serbo - when they live separately. By the number of people registered annually
38 thousand legalized relationships - 31 thousand divorces. On average, each of the spouses has three marriages, which means that the child has a huge number of relatives and several parents. They are called "plastic parents". The state even finances research that should prove the positive impact of this type of relationship on children: passing from one parent to another after the next divorce, children gain life experience and experience of social relations that will be useful to them in adulthood.
Since the addresses "stepmother" or "stepfather" are associated with not very pleasant associations (here they also know the story of Cinderella), the Swedes decided to use the substitute definitions "parent one" and "parent two". It is also established for reasons of gender equality. Breaking stereotypes about the roles of men and women in society is the main task of the nationwide preschool education program. The methods sometimes seem too radical to the rest of the world. So, a kindergarten opened in 2010 in Sodermalm, Stockholm district, became a sensation. Employees of the institution replaced “he” and “she” in Swedish, respectively, “han” and “hon”, with the asexual word “hen”, which is not in the classical language, but is used by homosexuals. Weaning off "gender stereotypes", instead of the usual fairy tales, children are read books in which, for example, two male giraffes were very worried that they could not have children until they found an abandoned crocodile egg.
Swedish family
According to the Swedish Association for Sexual Equality (RFSL), more than 40,000 children in Sweden have homosexual parents (or one parent). When in 1995 homosexual marriages were legalized in the country, the parliament approved that these would be purely civil marriages, and they would not be sanctified by the church. However, homosexuals also wanted this opportunity. The first concession was made: they were blessed, but without witnesses and refused to pray. But homosexuals wanted a complete ceremony and all "Mendelssohn". In 1998, a pan-European gay parade took place in Sweden. An exhibition by photographer Elizabeth Olson, who portrayed Christ and his apostles as homosexuals, also became a sensation. The exhibition was very popular, naturally, primarily among gays. One of the places where it took place was the pulpit of the Lutheran Church.
But real battles flared up in 2003-2004 after a speech by pastor Oke Green, who in his sermon condemned homosexual relationships, calling them sinful. He quoted Scripture passages claiming that the Bible very accurately defines homosexuality as a sin. To which the other camp responded: “The Bible did not descend to us from heaven, in itself is not a sign of God, does not answer all our questions. Questions that were relevant at the time of the writing of the Bible are not our questions. " For "disrespect for the sexual minority" the pastor was sentenced by the Court of First Instance to a month of imprisonment. The court of second instance acquitted him. In 2005, the case went to the Supreme Court, which found the pastor not guilty. This provoked a protest from gays, and threats against the pastor continue to be heard from them.
There will be more homosexual families, the RFSL organization predicts. This is facilitated by the adoption by the Swedish parliament of the law on the artificial insemination of lesbian couples. By law, lesbian women are entitled to in vitro fertilization at the expense of the state.
Interestingly, the RFSL report also informs that one in three cases of violence in Sweden occurs in a lesbian family. And although there is where to turn in such a situation, employees of institutions do not understand that women can beat each other, because it is believed that they are not aggressive by nature. The problem of violence also exists in male marriages.
“A huge change of mentality is taking place and a change of traditions is required. The traditional form of the family does not correspond to the realities of our time. New family relationships are needed, - from the interview of the activist of the youth branch of the Swedish Green Party Elina Aberg to the Polish edition of Wprost. "In our party, we talk, for example, about polygamous relationships as socially acceptable." The phenomenon is not new for Sweden. In the wake of the sexual revolution of the last century, there was already the experience of young people living in communes, which are called "collectives" in Swedish.
Untouchable
The Swedish state has assumed almost complete control over the upbringing of children. High taxes make it impossible to support a family on the same salary, and therefore, as a rule, both parents work, and the child is in school or other public care institutions during the day.
The Swedish government has created a special ombudsman institution to protect the rights and interests of children. There are a number of organizations: BRIS (Children's Rights in Society) - an emergency telephone and electronic line for children and adolescents; Friends ("Friends") - help if peers offend, etc.
Since 1979, there has been an absolute ban on corporal punishment of children. Parents cannot slap their child on the head with impunity, pull the ear or raise their voice to him. Beating a child faces 10 years in prison. Even from kindergarten, children have been informed in detail about their rights and the need to report such incidents to the police. And they use it. In the conflict between the interest of the child and the interest of the parent, the state takes the side of the child.
The story of a teenage girl who accused her stepfather of beating and sexual harassment received a lot of publicity. 12-year-old Agneta was simply angry with him for putting the kittens to sleep, and she wanted to leave them. She went to the police, instructing her three-year-old little sister what to say. Based on the testimony, the stepfather was detained and convicted. The mother, who did not believe her daughter, was deprived of parental custody. Agneta was transferred to a foster family. Three months later, the girl realized that she had done the wrong thing, tried to return her application and free her stepfather. But the legal machine is already spinning. In addition, no one took the girl's remorse seriously, because incest victims very often refuse their testimonies. It got to the point that the "victim" began to write to all sorts of instances, to the Attorney General in particular, where she described the whole story in detail, that her stepfather was innocent, that she had invented everything, and explained why. But the prosecutor did not intervene either.
Not only parents but also teachers have been denied the right to raise children. Until the eighth grade, students are not given grades, those who do not succeed are not left for the second year, and, of course, no one is kicked out of school. Students say “you” to the teacher, and they are not required to respond to the teacher's greetings. Teachers complain that classes are difficult to work with due to the chaos, noise and aggression in the classroom.
Social dictatorship
In Swedish law, there is no concept of parental authority in both the domestic and legal sense. There is no category of "parental right", there is "the right of custody and responsibility for the child", which, according to the law, are equally borne by the parents and the state. But the state believes that it is better able to take care of and educate, and therefore interferes in the family educational process. The main institution of this kind is the Central Council for Health and Social Welfare, which in Sweden is called "social". On average, 12,000 children are taken away from their parents every year. They do this with good intentions. The pretext can be "mistakes in upbringing", "mental underdevelopment of parents" and even "excessive custody."
So, Maryana Zigstroy was deprived of her parental rights, because she "took too much care" of her son Daniel, who was sick with epilepsy. The boy passed from family to family, his condition worsened. Daniel wrote to his mother about 40 letters asking for help, she turned to various social and government organizations, but to no avail. The son died, because during the attack, the next guardian simply did not know how to help him. Maryana Zigstroy has filed an accusation against the state. Lost in all instances. Moreover, the state obliged the woman to reimburse court costs in the amount of 1.5 million kroons.
In this regard, the famous Scandinavian writer and journalist of Polish origin Maciej Zaremba, imbued with the story of Maryana Zigstroy and unsuccessfully appealing for justice from the pages of Swedish publications, said in his hearts: “To call Sweden a state of law is a 'dark joke'. He also noted that the Swedish state, which took over the responsibilities of the family in the last century, is no longer able to perform these functions. Due to a lack of money, not only care centers are closed, but also schools and kindergartens. “And when the state model does not function, one has to rethink family values, willy-nilly: it is known that a mother threw herself under a train to save her child. But so far not a single social commission has done this. ”
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The Swedes have a fairly free attitude towards marriage ties. Most modern Swedes do not enter into an official marriage. In Sweden, there are two types of so-called civil marriage, in which the relationship is not formalized. This is "sambu" - a civil marriage of cohabitation, in which a man and a woman live under the same roof, are registered with the local tax office and run a joint household. And “Serbu” is a kind of “guest marriage” in which a woman and a man live separately, each on their own territory, but spend some time together, for example, vacation, weekends or certain days of the week. In both forms of marriage, children can be common. The main difference from Russian civil marriages is that these relations are legally recognized, and only property remains separate.
As in most European countries, the creation families in Sweden, including civilians, falls on a fairly mature age - somewhere in the region of thirty years. Also, over the years, the tendency towards the late birth of children has already become quite strong - also by the age of thirty, or even over thirty. In the average family of Sweden usually no more than two or three children.
Swedes break off relations with ease, especially in cases of infidelity. There is a very high divorce rate in the country. The so-called serial monogamy, that is, the repeated change of partner, has become a common phenomenon. Accordingly, Swedish children tend to have stepbrothers and sisters in their parents' newly formed marriages, and more often than not in one.
In the families of Sweden man and woman are absolutely equal. This is not just a cultural tradition of the country, or an element of the world outlook of society, it is the policy of the state, enshrined at the legislative level. Sweden has a whole ministry for integration and gender equality, and more than thirty years ago, in 1980, the institution of the Ombudsman for Gender Equality was established. For example, parental leave in Swedish families is granted to the father on an equal basis with the mother, and he has no right to refuse to take care of the child in favor of the woman. Upon divorce, children are required to spend equal time with each parent.
In Sweden, it is customary to raise children in a special way. This is not a country where parents are the indisputable authority. The child is initially given great personal freedom. Regardless of age, it is customary to listen to him and it is customary to reckon with his opinion. It is customary to educate on his mistakes, and not by direct teaching from an adult. If a child does something wrong, he should feel the consequences of wrong decisions, and no longer make mistakes.
Physical punishment of a child in any form is strictly prohibited by law. The child is not even allowed 
slap a little for offense, because if it becomes known, then a trial and a fine will follow. Another characteristic feature of upbringing in Swedish families is that the nuances of adult sexuality are explained to the child at an early age, usually at the age of five. Sex in Swedish society and within Swedish families is a topic for open and free discussion. The Swedes believe that it is better to explain everything to a child at the age of five, when sexual functions are not yet active, and there is no heightened interest in this topic of human relations.
As already mentioned, along with grades families in Sweden as the most modern and meeting the needs of the time, there is also an opinion that Sweden is experiencing a deep crisis in the institution of the family. On the one hand, the “socialism with a human face” that Sweden has achieved has a direct expression in the economic question. The Swedes are a fairly wealthy nation, this country is known for its large-scale social programs for vulnerable segments of society. Sweden has the highest share of gross domestic product in the world spent on social security for retirees, health care is free, and about 80% of income taxes go to health care. In addition, higher education is free and publicly available in Sweden. On the other hand, Sweden is a country of lonely people. The individualism and freedom that Swedish society has come to and is proud of has its downside. Sociologists state that a large number of funerals of elderly people are held without ceremony, they are cremated, and none of the relatives takes the ashes. The lack of funeral ceremonies is an important indicator of the breaking of emotional and sensory bonds in many families in Sweden.
Due to the low birth rate, Sweden has a high proportion of the elderly population. The average life expectancy in the country for men is 78.6 years, for women - 83.2 years, at the moment the percentage of the population aged 80 and above has reached the highest indicator among the countries of the European Union and is 5.3%. In turn, persons over 65 years old make up 18% of the Swedish population.
In addition to the fact that the birth rate in Swedish families is quite low, 60% of all born Swedish children are illegitimate, 20% of the total number of children are raised by one parent. In Sweden, the number of divorces is very high - for 38 thousand marriages that are officially registered annually, there are 31 thousand divorces. The average Swedish parent usually has three marriages. At the state level, research is even funded to prove the positive impact of this type of relationship on children who, when moving from one parent to another after another divorce, gain experience of social relations and life experience that will be useful to them in adulthood. Since the words "stepfather" and "stepmother" in the public consciousness are associated more with negative feelings, in Sweden it is practiced to refer to new family members as "parent one" and "parent two".
According to statistics maintained by the Swedish Association for Sexual Equality (RFSL), more than 40 thousand children in Sweden have homosexual parents (or one parent). Same-sex marriages in Sweden were legalized in 1995 and initially it was stipulated at the legislative level that these would be exclusively civil marriages (without consecration by the church), but soon the state made an exception in this matter too: homosexual couples were blessed in church, but without witnesses and prayer ... In addition, lesbian couples, again according to the laws of the country, have the right to in vitro fertilization, which is paid for by the state.
The Swedish state is very actively involved in the process of raising children. This is favored by the fact that in the overwhelming majority of Swedish families both parents work, since very high taxes make it impossible to support the family on one wage.
Interests and rights of children in Swedish families protected by a special institution of the ombudsman. There are also a number of organizations: BRIS (Children's Rights in Society) - an on-call electronic and telephone lines for adolescents and children; Friends ("Friends") - help if peers offend, etc. Corporal punishment of children is prohibited in any form, and this norm has been introduced since 1979. Parents do not have the right to raise their voice at a child, pull the ear or hit the head with impunity. For beating a child, the law provides for 10 years in prison. Children have been thoroughly informed about their rights since kindergarten, and they know that they have the right (and should) report such cases to the police. Sweden has a body such as the Central Council for Health and Social Welfare. Annually by his decision from families in Sweden about 12 thousand children are taken away from their parents. The pretexts for this can be mistakes in upbringing, incompetence of parents in matters of upbringing, and even excessive guardianship.
In the minds of our compatriots, a lot of stereotypical ideas about the Swedish family have become entrenched. Some of them would have amazed even the unflappable Swedes. However, the institution of the family in Sweden does indeed have a number of characteristic features and deserves a detailed examination.
Serbu is a kind of Swedish family
Apart from the official registration of relations, another type of marriage is widely practiced in Sweden: the Serb. Serbu is a guest marriage, when the spouses live separately, each on their own territory, and they meet only on weekends or go on vacation together. Serbu is a variant of what is common in our country. The difference is that these relationships are legally recognized. Only property remains separate. Perhaps for this reason, even in those couples who have lived together for many years, separate budgeting is practiced. In Sweden, it is perfectly normal for each spouse to pay for himself in a restaurant. To start living in this type of marriage, the couple submits an application to the tax police and concludes a contract for a certain period.
Swedes are intolerant of cheating and, if faced with it, usually break off the relationship. In this regard, the percentage of broken up couples is very high. The so-called serial monogamy, that is, the repeated change of partner, has become a common phenomenon.
Everyone is equal in a Swedish family
Equality between men and women in everything is not just a cultural, but a policy pursued at the state level and enshrined in law. For example, parental leave is granted not only to the mother, but also to the father. Moreover, dad cannot refuse this leave in favor of the mother. In the event of a divorce, the child spends an equal amount of time with each parent. The country has a separate ministry for integration and gender equality. The first agency dealing with gender policy appeared in Sweden over 30 years ago. In 1980. the institution of the Ombudsman for Gender Equality was established.
Before the age of thirty, a family is generally not created. There is a tendency towards the late birth of children. Many Swedes become mothers only by the age of forty. There are usually two or three children in a Swedish family.
Swedish men are wonderful fathers. Moreover, they know how to take care of children no worse than women. They not only play football with children or go for a walk. A Swedish dad can easily change a diaper and cook breakfast.
Children in a Swedish family
A distinctive feature of family education is the attitude towards the child as an independent person, who is treated with respect and does not impose the decision of adults. Children are brought up responsibility for their decisions and actions. A typical example: if a baby asks for a drink, he is not just given some kind of drink, but is offered to make a choice on his own. Also, a child, for example, can, disobeying his parents, get into a puddle. Nobody will comment on him. But when he comes home, wet and frozen, he will learn a life lesson on his own.
The Swedes are trying to educate their children to be careful with their finances. The child learns to plan his own budget and manage money. Once a week or once a month, children are given a fixed amount, but no parent has control over how this amount is spent. You can go with friends to a cafe or a cinema, or you can save money and buy something more substantial.
Violence in Swedish families in relation to children, it is practically impossible. The law is on the side of the child. There have been many ridiculous cases where relatives from southeastern Europe clashed with law enforcement. Grandfather or grandmother who came to visit in the heat of feelings could spank the child, who immediately called the police. As a result, a trial followed and the payment of a fine.
Another characteristic feature of upbringing in a Swedish family is sex education, which begins as early as preschool age. Sex in a swedish family and in Sweden in general - a normal topic for free and open discussion. The Swedes proceed from the fact that it is better to explain everything to a child at the age of 5, when sexual functions are not active, and there is no heightened interest in this topic of human relations.
Swedish family - Valkommen Ryssland
The institution of the family in Sweden differs significantly from the Russian one. To say that he is better or worse is wrong. He is different. On the one hand, in this country, men can truly reveal themselves as a father, and women can confidently build a career. On the other hand, the feminization of women has led to demographic problems and a large number of divorces. And many men are increasingly looking for wives in countries with traditional family notions. And the representatives of Russia have been gaining particular popularity lately - they are enjoying increasing success.
I grew up in a strict church family, my father held a very high position in the Swedish church, we moved a lot. Until the age of nineteen, I had no idea about my homosexuality. At seventeen or eighteen I had first one boyfriend, then another. Not that I was delighted with this relationship, but I didn't particularly stare at girls either. In general, I was sure that I was straight.
About meeting your wife
I met my future wife in college, taking a literary course. I liked her immediately. Although she had a boyfriend, and I was free. But some kind of chemistry between us arose immediately. I did not dare to take the first step, because I did not want to interfere in their relationship. Soon I realized that she liked me too. After our first kiss, she dumped her boyfriend and we started dating. The first six months we lived separately, and then, when we entered the university, we decided to move in. Then I decided to confess to my parents and older sisters that I was a lesbian. The sisters were not shocked by the news, although, of course, they were surprised. My parents, oddly enough, supported me, said that they would love the way I am. This moved me very much, although we are not very close. After this conversation, they never returned to this topic. It seems to me that this still causes some awkwardness for them, although they immediately reacted with sympathy to my future wife.
Manual for housing
we received full size as
and heterosexual couples
About living together
We started living together on a small university town in the south of Sweden. In general, neither in Stockholm, where we moved later, nor in small towns where I happened to live, did I feel a lack of tolerance. Although misunderstandings do occur frequently. For example, according to Swedish law, a young couple living together (this is called sambo. - Ed.) Can receive financial assistance for renting or buying a home. Since my girlfriend and I already lived together officially and were registered at the same address, we applied for this subsidy. A lady from the social department called me and said that since we are friends, we are entitled to a lower subsidy. I objected that we are not friends and are in a romantic relationship. The lady hesitated a little, and then said: "I understand, okay" . We received full housing allowance, as did heterosexual couples. We registered the "Partnership" in 1999, then it was also called that. But already in 2001, when parliament equated gay marriage with heterosexual, we submitted a new application, and our partnership received the status of marriage. Then my wife took my last name. We thought it would simplify everything, but we had to clarify everywhere that we are not sisters. Moreover, I have a rare surname.
About the birth of children
When we got married, we arranged a small wedding, invited close relatives and several friends to it. Everything went modestly, but I consider this day one of the happiest in my life. At the beginning of our relationship, we knew that we wanted to have children. In Sweden, according to my observations, they made some kind of cult out of it. If you get married - it doesn't matter if it's a same-sex marriage or a heterosexual - everyone around you is wondering when you are going to have children. And if there is already one child in the family, everyone begins to pester you with the question when you have already given birth to the second. At first, we did not know how to do this, because we did not consider the option of traditional fertilization, that is, sex with a man. Both I and my wife wanted to give birth to a child.
We went to a consultation at RFSL (a very influential Swedish LGBT organization that provides assistance to LGBT people. - Ed.) And learned that it is possible to get pregnant in an alternative way. We were given brochures on how to do it correctly and hygienically. It was necessary to resolve the issue of sperm donation. Just finding a donor - this option did not suit us very much. We wanted biological fathers, preferably a gay couple, to also be interested in children and would like to raise them together. . The Internet was not that widespread then, and we chose the old-fashioned way - we advertised in a major LGBT newspaper. Several men responded to it, we chose Tommy and Mikaele. We liked them: like us, they were in a strong marriage. To get to know them better, we went on a ferry cruise together for a couple of days. At our request, they passed the necessary tests.
I think that my fathers and I were lucky: despite the fact that they are now, like us, divorced (we divorced after 14 years of marriage, they - after 17 years), Tommy and Mikaele are equally involved with us in raising children. After we met, we decided that I would give birth to a child with Micke, and my wife - with Tommy, and I will give birth first. I had a wonderful boy, two years later my wife gave birth to a girl from Tommy.
We wanted to biological fathers, preferably
gay couple, were also interested in children and would like them educate together
About double divorce
When we had children, my wife and I bought a big house. The children lived with us for two weeks a month, and then two weeks with their fathers. From the very beginning, we decided to be open with the children and not hide how they were born. For them, we are both real mothers, they also consider Tommy and Mikke to be their real parents. The children know that each of them has a biological mother and a biological father: my son knows that I am his biological mother, and Mikke is his biological father, and Katarina knows that Tommy is her biological father, and my ex-wife is her biological mother. Nevertheless, she also calls me mom. We all take turns attending parent-teacher conferences at school. If suddenly I do not have time to go to school for my son, my ex-wife goes with one of the fathers. When the ex cannot go to the parents' meeting with her daughter, then I go with Micke or Tommy. All teachers know what kind of family we have. However, after Tommy and Mikke and I divorced, things got more complicated. At the trial, it was decided that all four of us have an equal right to be with children and participate in their upbringing. Only we all still had to agree on a schedule for when and how many children live with each parent. At first it was a complete madhouse. Both me and the ex, as well as their fathers, found it difficult to communicate after the divorce. But we didn't want it to reflect on the children. Although, of course, they felt everything. Despite their young age (son - 11 years old, daughter - 9), they know and understand everything. I was very worried about the divorce and, to be honest, did not want to know anything about my ex's new relationship. Moreover, I was alone then, and the thought that my ex-wife had someone was unbearable for me. But since the children came to me and told me that their other mother had a new girlfriend, that they went to the water park together, I had to endure and not show how I felt. However, my daughter saw how I was worried and asked: “Mom, maybe you could live three together: you, mom and her friend? And would you feel good? " I replied that it would not work out that way.
About shift parenting
Now children take turns living with each of us. For example, on weekends they stay with Mikke, then from Monday to Friday it's my turn. I pick them up Monday night from school and take a few days off from work or just leave work early. Then Tommy picks them up from school on Friday night and so on. Every month the children stay with me once for the weekend and once on weekdays. And so - for each of the four parents. True, Tommy sometimes fails. He can suddenly write to all of us: "I am urgently leaving for Spain next weekend, who can take the children with me?" This is especially annoying to me. Or when he says that he will pick up the children in the morning, and then eventually arrives in the evening. And we sit all day and wait for him to arrive. We may not be on the best terms, especially my ex-wife and I, but we are always in touch and help each other. If suddenly one of the children gets sick, all parents should immediately be in the know, so that they know what to prepare, what pills to stock up on when it comes their turn to take their children.
On holidays like Christmas or Midsummer (Solstice, which is celebrated by the Swedes. - Ed.), Each of us takes our children for two days. During the summer holidays, we have about two and a half weeks each to be with the children. Despite the fact that I love both children equally, my son is still special to me. Only I don't show it to children. However, when my son was admitted to the hospital with a broken arm, the doctor called my ex. We still have the same surname, and in some of the children's documents I am indicated as a contact person, in some - she. I called the doctor back and asked to call me about him, because I am his biological mother.
I've heard, as they explained to friends that their mothers fell in love with each other and wanted them to have children like everyone else
Relationships at work
I am a social worker. At work, everyone is aware of my orientation, I do not hide anything from anyone. In my center, we help parents of children with special needs. I myself am in charge of many cases, I advise parents who, for example, have a child with Down syndrome.
Once a family of two mothers who had a child with a serious brain injury approached us. They were going to get divorced, and we had to handle this case, because all the cases of children with special health indications come to us. And at work they discussed what to do with a child, since this is a same-sex marriage. As in any other organization, at our workplace there are overwhelming majority of heterosexuals. I then said: "Let me speak, I still have an idea, since I myself was married to another woman." And nothing, colleagues do not bulge their eyes.
What children think
I often wonder if our children would be happier if they had an ordinary family and two parents. To be honest, I don’t know. I would give a lot to see children every day. But I have come to terms with the way everything is arranged with us. We are often asked: “And do you like torturing children with constant moving? After all, they are probably exhausting all the time to move from house to house ”. We asked the children how they were doing. They say: “We have something, we have fun, we have a big family and instead of two parents - there are already four! But for you yourself, probably all this is not very good, since you divorced. " Children are calm about the fact that they have two mothers and two fathers, they are not embarrassed by peers' questions about how it happened. I heard them explaining to friends that their mothers fell in love with each other and wanted them to have children too, like everyone else. . That they found two future dads and took their seed, but were not with these dads for their children to be born. So they were born differently. Of course, other children listen to this story with their mouths wide open. Sometimes I wonder if it’s too selfish what we got our children into. Just think: when, for example, they want to start their own families, then not two parents will come to their wedding, but as many as four, and this is already four families. And if we take into account that each of us now has a new partner, it turns out that it will already be eight people. In the meantime, everything is going well, the four of us drop off for children's birthdays, someone, for example, takes over the purchase of decoration balls, someone prepares a cake, someone is responsible for the games. We take turns taking them to rest, we jointly pay for the expenses for education.
People often ask me: “Do you think your children are straight? What if your son grows up and realizes that he is gay? " The answer to this question is not easy. Of course, for my children the very fact of homosexuality in society is not something extraordinary. But at the same time, Katarina always falls in love with boys, although, of course, she is only nine years old, it's too early to say. Jonas is interested in girls. To be honest, I would rather prefer that the children were of traditional orientation. I would not want them to go through the difficulties that I have to face in life. Even in our society, which is considered one of the most tolerant, being gay and lesbian is harder than being straight.
About grandparents
We plan summer vacations for children together with the grandparents of the other parents, because they also want to see their grandchildren. True, it usually turns out no more often than at Christmas, for winter and summer vacations. This summer we will most likely go to Mikke's parents in northern Sweden, they have a large summer house by the lake. He earnestly asked us to restructure the schedule so that the children would be with him in July. With my parents, as well as with the parents of my ex-wife, our children rarely communicate, because their parents live far from Stockholm. But if I go out to my family on weekends, I try to do it on the days when I have children, because my parents also want to babysit with them. In general, in Sweden it is not very customary to involve grandparents in raising grandchildren or to leave them for the summer with them. Of course, Christmas night, when the whole family gathers, is sacred. Last Christmas, we almost had a fight with our second mother, because we could not decide which of us could take the children to his place for the weekend and take them to their parents. As a result, we agreed that on Saturday I would take the children to my parents, then on Sunday she would take them to hers. And on Christmas itself, all the parents get together, the parents of Mikke and Tommy also come, because they live in Stockholm. Grandparents make sure to buy gifts for all their children and grandchildren for Christmas. But parents in Sweden prefer to raise their children themselves. For example, if one parent works, then the other (it does not matter if it is a man or a woman) can take parental leave. Until the age of seven, the child goes to kindergarten, where they are taught until six or seven in the evening. Given that the working day in most institutions ends at four to five hours.
Frankly speaking,
I would rather rather that children were traditional orientation
At the request of the heroine, all names were changed..
Text: Elena Krivovyaz
Illustrations: Masha Shishova
