"Conflicts with growing up children"
Target: identify signs of constructive resolution of conflicts between parents and high school students and build a model of adequate behavior.
Tasks:
1. Understand the essence of the concept of "conflict".
2. To identify the sources and psychological mechanisms of typical conflicts between parents and growing up children.
3. Evaluate various strategies of behavior in a conflict and build on diagnostic grounds their own model, adequate to family conditions and traditions.
The form: training seminar with training elements.
Preparation phase
1. Selection of questions for comprehension, entering into the "problem field":
2. What is conflict?
3. What, in your opinion, are the main sources of conflicts between parents and high school students?
4. Can conflicts be avoided?
5. If a conflict has occurred, what do you think is the main thing in removing its severity?
6. What, in your opinion, are the typical mistakes of parents who come into conflict with children?
7. What is the peculiarity of conflicts with high school students?
8. How do other family members usually participate in your conflict with your child?
9. Does the child often witness your conflicts with your spouse?
2. Quotes:
"A conflict is the fear of at least one side that its interests are violated, infringed upon, ignored by the other side" (U Lincoln).
"From love to hate one step, from hatred to love - kilometers of steps" (Stendhal).
“The art of being wise consists in knowing what not to pay attention to” (W. James).
“There are circumstances when forgiveness produces a much stronger moral shake-up than the punishment would have produced in this case” (V. L. Sukhomlinsky),
“Raising children is an easy matter when it is done without beating the nerves, in the order of a healthy, calm, normal, reasonable and cheerful life” (A. S. Makarenko).
3. Questioning students and parents.
4. Preparation of teaching materials for parents with practical advice and recommendations:“Rules of communication in case of conflict with a child”, “Memo for resolving conflicts”, “Techniques for effective hearing”.
Student questionnaire "Your behavior in a conflict situation"
Parents' questioning: tests "Assessment of tendency to conflict", "Determination of the level of empathy", "Assess self-control in communication."
Progress
Introduction Our children grow up, assert themselves, and the practice of communication adopted in the family is often dogmatic and based on constant prohibitions, suppression of the child's personality, and disrespect for him. High school students facing a responsible choice of life path are susceptible to doubts, torn apart by internal contradictions, fears, and complexes. In this period of growing up, the communication of adolescents with their parents is influenced by the emerging sense of adulthood. Teenagers begin to protest against the previously fulfilled demands of adults, to more actively defend their rights to independence. They react painfully to real or apparent infringement of their rights, try to limit the claims of adults towards themselves.
Parents, burdened with their own problems, in dreams in attitudes create an idealized image of their own child and his life path. But when faced with realities - manifestations of laziness, dishonesty, low motivation to continue education, parents are disappointed, and a "period of conflicts" begins. The conflict also arises on the basis of the assertion of the "adulthood" of a teenager striving for independence (in which parents see infringement of their own authority). For the development of a new system of relations, it is important to argue the demands emanating from adults. Simple imposition is usually rejected. Thus, identifying problems associated with emerging conflicts is very important for parents and children.
Exercise 1 Each of you has leaflets on the tables.I ask you to answer one question without specifying your surname : "What is the main problem for you in conflicts with your child?" (At the end of the thought and recording (which usually takes 5-7 minutes), the sheets are collected in a box, from which the class teacher alternately takes them out and voices them).
The most typical answers are: “Conflicts end in alienation. We move away from each other "," I get annoyed, I start screaming, my father takes the belt "," It is difficult for me to restrain myself, I speak harshly, and then I regret and drink medicine "," Our conflicts always end in raised tones "," I am annoyed that my daughter in a conflict withdraws into herself and is simply silent, I don’t know whether she understands me or not ”,“ The grandmother intervenes in the conflict and supports the child, it really bothers me ”.
We see that there are many problems. And yet, no matter how difficult it is, a lot depends on the position of an adult: you can become enemies with your own child, or you can manage the conflict. When choosing tactics of behavior in a conflict, parents should remember: “From love to hate one step, and from hatred to love - kilometers of steps” (Seneca). Today our meeting is dedicated to conflicts with children. Its goal is to build a model (mental algorithm) of adequate role behavior.
Leading How much pain and disappointment the conflict with the closest, dearest person to whom so much is given! Let's try to understand what conflict is. We start group work.
Task 2. Think about it, remember your feelings associated with conflict situations. Let each of you finish the sentence:
"Conflict is ...".
This is followed by the voicing of the options, they, for example, can be as follows: "the painful state of all its participants", "devastation, disappointment", "inevitability when there is a reason", "a collision, barely which people can be very distant from each other", " something that is always ashamed of yourself "," a way to resolve painful things. "
Leading So, a conflict is a disagreement between family members, which is based on the incompatibility of their views, interests and needs. The worst thing in a conflict is the feelings that people feel at this moment for each other: fear, anger, resentment, hatred. See what the life of a family of 3-4 people turns into in a small city apartment. How many quarrels, screams, tears, recriminations, curses! Sometimes conflicts even end with physical punishment. Well-known wrote about their destructiveness. Psychologist Valusen: “Whipping is the first inch of an arshin’s club of violence. It is from her that fights are born, and in the end - murder, rape, terrorism. "
Task 3. When we say the word "conflict", we have a number of associations and feelings, have heard about the conflict, we know how it looks in the behavior of people. Let's explore how it affects their inner state. Let everyone say what the word "conflict" is associated with, what image does your imagination suggest to you? "
After the first “circle” of free associations, you can ask the following questions:
If the conflict is furniture, what is it?
If conflict is a dish, what kind?
If conflict is clothing, what is it?
After a discussion and a short commentary by a psychologist, the participants put forward their own version of understanding the category of "conflict". For example, such a variant is possible: "A conflict is a painful state of its participants, which can lead either to reconciliation or to alienation."
Task 4. Think and try to name the qualities and skills necessary for successful conflict resolution.
Participants name the qualities one by one, the teacher fixes the options on the board in the form of a diagram or text. For example: “The ability to listen and, most importantly, to hear another”, “Composure and endurance”, “Restraint in emotions”, “Patience”, “The ability to influence another”, “Eloquence”, “The ability to put oneself in the place of another”, “ Ability to argue their position ”,“ Few words ”,“ Ability to persuade ”. The outline (text) remains on the board for use in subsequent steps.
Leading What are the most typical causes of conflicts between adults and their children aged 15-17? Of course, their specificity in each family is different, however, general trends are present.
Task 5. The participants are offered several typical situations of family education, which can serve as a source of conflict. Based on the analysis of what they heard, those present should identify the causes of conflicts on the part of adults and on the part of children.
Situation 1. The teenager deceived his parents: he said that he was going to the library to write an essay, and he himself went to the cinema. The family found out about it by chance. The typical reaction to this situation is conflict.
Situation 2. The family is very sensitive to the potential danger of alcoholism in a child (one of the family members has a sad experience). And suddenly, having met a teenager from a disco, the parents notice that he is "tipsy". Storm of emotions. Conflict.
Situation 3... The daughter is dating a boy from a "dysfunctional" (according to the parents) family. They in every possible way limit her communication with the "subject of youthful dreams." Once, when a guy, having made up his mind, came straight to their house to see the girl, his parents told him everything they thought about "so-called love." The result is a sea of tears, conflict, alienation.
Situation 4. The daughter "hammered" into her head that she is too (as she thinks) fat and cannot, therefore, no one will like it. She stopped eating, gets annoyed over trifles and once, in her hearts, she accused her parents of the “flaw” (“it’s because of you that I am like that”).
Situation 5. The young man is part of a group representing one of the youth subcultures. He shaved his head, wears (even to school) fingerless gloves, a jacket with rivets. From the teachers - a lot of complaints, since the style of clothing is "supplemented" and the appropriate manners Parents were once again invited to school. Upon their return, they gave their son ultimatum their demands, the brief essence of which is: "Either we - or rivets!" The son says that he will not be a traitor and will not change his image. And if the parents do not agree, he will leave home and live with a friend, he agrees.
Situation 6. The teenager was "overgrown" with deuces. Complaints of teachers follow in a continuous stream from the school, parents "take action", but nothing changes. The young man has withdrawn into himself, is rude, lets lessons. And then one day, during the next conflict, he reveals to his parents that it is possible to repair cars and, without having an education in him, and this hateful study, he intends to stop. Parents with higher education are terrified. What to do?
The result of the work on the assignment can be a generalizing table (the psychologist supervising the work only edits the judgments of the parents), for example:
|
Reasons for Parents to Conflict with Children |
Causes of conflicts between adolescents and their parents |
|
Power Struggle and Parental Authority |
The crisis of adolescence (inadequacy of reactions, negativism) |
|
Failure to confirm hopes and expectations |
Demand for greater independence, the right to make decisions yourself |
|
Unwillingness to recognize the independence and "adulthood" of a teenager |
Belonging to an adolescent group that encourages challenging communication |
|
Disbelief in the strength of the child, fear of letting go "from under the wing" |
Asserting oneself in the eyes of peers, authoritative people |
|
|
Conflicting practice of relationships accepted in the family |
Task 6. Now, dear participants, you have to comprehend what you consider the most dangerous, the most destructive in a conflict with a child. I hope this will help you in the future in the practice of family education. Now each of you will receive a sheet of unfinished sentences. You must add them yourself. In terms of content, they should reflect your feelings of conflicts with your child. In the process of completing the assignment, it is forbidden to discuss statements. After completing your anonymous sheets, you will lower them into this box, and we will selectively present them to everyone.
Dear Parents! Reflect your feelings of conflict with your child by completing the sentences in the text:
1. "I must
2. "I am most afraid of
3. “It’s very difficult for me to forget
4. “I want
5. “What I really miss is
6. “When I’m angry, I
7. “I am especially annoyed that
8. "I'm worried about
9. “The best thing for me is when
10. “I can't forget for a long time
11. “I understand that
12. “I am ashamed of
Leading At the end of the assignment, I offer you some, in our opinion, valuable advice that will help you find constructive ways out of the conflict.
Memo "Rules of communication in case of conflict with a child"
From the listening position:
- be tolerant: do not interrupt the child, do not interfere; before you say something, think carefully, make sure that you want to say exactly that; remember that your task as a listener is to help the child to express, express his problems;
- do not give ratings to the child: if you evaluate his feelings, he will defend himself or contradict you; try to really understand the child;
- don't give advice: remember that the best solutions in a conflict are those that the participants come to themselves, and not those that someone suggested to them; It is often difficult to resist the urge to give advice, especially when the child can count on it from the very beginning - and yet let the child do enough mental work to find a way out of a difficult situation on his own.
Being in the speaker's position:
- don't blame- do not say that everything happened because of the shortcomings of the child, and do not blame someone else for what happened;
- don't make up- do not tell the child what you think about what his motives and desires are, before he himself says something about them;
- don't defend yourself- first tell about your actions, thoughts and feelings; do it openly and fully enough, and only after that can you expect the child to do the same;
- do not characterize- do not describe the personality of the child, all the more saying “you are inattentive, selfish, inexperienced, young, etc., try to talk about what worries you in essence;
- don't generalize- avoid using the words "always", "never" in describing the child's behavior, cite as examples specific facts and situations that both of you and your child remember well.
Leading Conflict can be both constructive and destructive. If the conflict is resolved incorrectly, hostility to each other arises, the psyche is traumatized, the merits are hushed up and the shortcomings are exaggerated. As a result, a conflict can cause serious mental trauma, it can remain with a person for life and even change it for the better.
Beware, dear parents, to hurt with a word, humiliate, offend, do not understand. Be more courageous and wiser. Be empathic, that is, able to put yourself in the child's shoes and understand what he is going through now, during the conflict with you.
Family conflicts and ways to resolve them.
(Talking to parents)
Shows slides of conflicts between children and parents.
We all live in the same world. However, two people can look at the same event, hear the same words, but give them completely different meanings and meanings.
Conflict arises when we try to convince everyone of the importance of our opinion, not being able to accept the views of others.
Dear parents, there are black circles next to you, please put them in my chest if you have had conflicts in your family.
(parents put circles in the chest)
Tell me, what should be the relationship between parents and children?
(parents' opinions are listened to)
Then a slide is shown
There are the following types of parent-child relationships
The optimal type of parent-child relationship;
This cannot be called a need, but parents delve into the interests of their children, and children share their thoughts with them;
Parents are more likely to delve into the concerns of their children than children share with them.
(mutual discontent arises);
Rather, children feel a desire to share with their parents than they delve into the concerns, interests and activities of children;
The behavior, life aspirations of children cause conflicts in the family, and at the same time, the parents are more likely to be right;
The behavior, life aspirations of children cause conflicts in the family, and at the same time, children are more likely to be right;
Parents do not delve into the interests of children, and children do not feel the desire
share with them (the contradictions were not noticed by the parents and grew into
conflicts, mutual alienation - S. Godnik).
Please listen to the parable.
A gloomy man rides on the bus. He thinks: everything is bad, the wife is grumpy, the children are idlers, the mother-in-law is evil. Behind him, an angel writes down his thoughts: "Everything is bad, the wife is grumpy, the children are idlers, the mother-in-law is evil." It seems that all this was already. And why does he need it again? But once you have ordered it, you will have to fulfill it. "
What conclusion can you draw for yourself from this parable?
(parents' answers)
The moral of this short parable is as follows: as you are attuned to your life and to the people around you, so your life will develop, and so will people treat you. If you are convinced that your wife is a grumbler, your mother-in-law is a sinister, and your children are idlers, they really will be for you. And, conversely, a person with a positive attitude will receive the kindness and disposition of people in return.
Psychologists distinguish the following types of conflicts with parents:
Parental instability conflict (persistent
change of criteria for assessing the child);
The conflict of over-concern (over-care and over-looking);
Conflict of disrespect for the rights to independence (totality of instructions and control);
How do your children react to conflicts with you?
(parents' answers)
Usually, the child responds to the claims and conflicting actions of the parents with such reactions (strategies) as:
Opposition reaction (demonstrative actions of a negative nature);
Refusal reaction (disobedience to the parents' requirements);
Isolation reaction (the desire to avoid unwanted contact with
parents, hiding information and actions).
So how can we solve this problem, how can we try to conflict with our children less, let’s compose conflict prevention together with you.
Based on this, the main areas of prevention of conflicts between parents and children may be as follows:
1. Raising the pedagogical culture of parents, which makes it possible to take into account the age-related psychological characteristics of children, their emotional states.
2. Organizing a family on a collective basis. Common perspectives, certain job responsibilities, traditions of mutual assistance, joint hobbies serve as the basis for identifying and resolving contradictions that arise.
3. Reinforcement of verbal demands by the circumstances of the educational process.
4. Interest in the inner world of children, their concerns and hobbies.
I give you reminders about the behavior of parents in conflicts with young children:
- always remember about the individuality of the child;
- take into account that each new situation requires a new solution;
- try to understand the requirements of a small child;
- remember that change takes time;
- to perceive contradictions as factors of normal development;
- show constancy in relation to the child;
- more often offer a choice of several alternatives;
- approve of various options for constructive behavior;
- jointly seek a way out through a change in the situation;
- to decrease the number "it is impossible" and to increase the number "it is possible";
- apply punishments to a limited extent, while observing them
- justice and necessity;
- give the child the opportunity to experience the inevitability of negative
- the consequences of his misdeeds; explain logically
- the possibility of negative consequences;
- expand the range of moral, not material incentives;
- use a positive example from other children and parents;
- take into account the ease of switching attention in young children
And I want to end our conversation with one more parable.
Once there lived one family: father, mother and daughter, a schoolgirl. They lived together, at least, so the neighbors thought: there were no loud quarrels between the parents, it was clear how they loved their daughter. But the daughter herself did not consider her family to be prosperous.
One day, returning home from school, she quietly opened the front door and heard her parents quarreling. They swore with malice, with a kind of hatred. But this did not surprise the girl. It was surprising that when she thundered with something in the hallway, the quarrel immediately stopped, and, entering the room, the girl saw her parents smiling at her. And all evening they acted as if nothing had happened between them.
Much later, when the adolescent "transitional" age of her daughter was coming to an end, when the already formed personality not only had her own point of view on everything, but could also defend it, in another conflict with her mother, the girl heard the following phrase:
- Why are you not ashamed, ungrateful ?! - Having exhausted all the arguments, the mother snapped. - My father and I sacrificed our happiness for you; did not get divorced just so that you grow up in a "complete" family! ..
The girl was ready for such a phrase. She thought many times about what was happening between her parents.
- Who asked you ?! I knew you didn't love each other. I knew you were swearing. Why did I need this? Not only have you made yourself unhappy, you also accuse me of it. I love you both, and it would be better for both of you to be happy. If you cannot be happy together, be happy apart. I would come to you in turn and be glad for everyone that everything is fine with you. Do you think I needed two people next to me? No. I needed two happy people next to me. You have deprived me of the opportunity to see you happy. You have not shown me an example of what a happy family should be. Now I’ll have to figure out how it should be. Just like you, I will not kill love.
And I really want to believe that love, respect and understanding will reign in your families.
"Memo" for parents:
- Always remember the individuality of the child.
- Consider that each new situation requires a new solution.
- Try to understand the requirements of a small child.
- Remember that change takes time.
- To perceive contradictions as factors of normal development.
- Show consistency in relation to the child.
- Offer multiple alternatives more often.
- Approve various constructive behaviors.
- Jointly seek a way out through a change in the situation.
- Decrease the number "not allowed" and increase the number "can".
- Apply punishments to a limited extent, while observing them.
- Fairness and necessity.
- To give the child the opportunity to feel the inevitability of the negative consequences of his misconduct.
- Logically explain the possibilities of negative consequences.
- Expand the range of moral, not material incentives.
- Use a positive example from other children and parents.
- Consider the ease of attention shifting in young children.
Comprehensive program for the prevention of juvenile delinquency and crime in the Tambov region
"Don't stumble!" for years
Regional Resource Center for Working with Children of Social Risk
Psychological and pedagogical education program for parents
"Parents' school"
Methodical materials
to conduct a lesson on topic 2.6
Conflicts in family relationships, their impact on development
and raising a child
(2 hours)
Practical lesson
Course of the lesson
Leading... Conflicts have always existed, exist and will continue to exist, they are an integral part of human relationships.
The potential for conflicts exists in all areas, including in the family. Are there any ways of constructive and successful resolution of the conflict situation? We will try to understand this in our lesson.
Exercise 1. "Room"
Two participants are invited. One of them walks out the door. The second describes the room in which the group is located (10 adjectives applicable to the room in which the group is located) . The description is written on a piece of Whatman paper. Then its description is closed and a second participant is invited. He also describes the room in which he is, his description is written on a piece of Whatman paper. Then both descriptions are compared. (The exercise aims to show that different people have different views of the same thing.)
Exercise 2. "Apple and a worm"
Sit comfortably, close your eyes and pretend for a moment that you are an apple. Ripe, juicy, beautiful, aromatic, liquid apple, which hangs picturesquely on a branch. Everyone admires you, admires you. Suddenly, out of nowhere, a worm creeps up to you and says: "Now I will eat you!" What would you say to the worm? Open your eyes and write down your answer.
We will return to this exercise later.
Exercise 3. "Ten I's"
There are sheets of paper in front of you, where ten “I's” are written in a column, write against each column the thoughts that come to your mind. For example: "I love ice cream." (After completing the work). I ask you to exchange these sheets. Please tell me, has anyone discovered what's new in his deskmate?
Given the above, what do you think is the most common cause of conflicts? (leads to the fact that we have our own views, and do not always know a loved one well).
Mini lecture
Conflict usually consider the contradictions and disagreements that arise between people due to the mismatch of interests, views, attitudes, aspirations.
Causes of family conflicts
There can be a great many reasons for conflicts. But there are not so many reasons for conflicts. Psychologists have identified several of the most common reasons why conflicts in family relationships can occur.
Most often, couples who got married at an early age, as well as those who decided to sign because of the girl's pregnancy, quarrel. This is due to the fact that, creating a family too early and hastily, young people do not have time to consider the characteristics of the character and habits of each other. After some time, when all the problems remain behind, and life becomes calmer, the couple understands that the only thing that united them was just these same common worries, a child, a rented apartment, moving to another city, etc. the moment in the family disagreements and quarrels begin.
Very often, family conflicts arise due to housing issues or other financial difficulties. In this case, problems do not unite people, but are a destructive factor. Constant difficulties lead to depression of each member of the family individually. And subsequently, a crisis occurs in the family as a whole.
Another negative factor for a young family can be relationships with parents. After all, mom and dad always remain the closest and dearest people for each person. And if they do not approve of the choice of the child, if they interfere in family relations, this introduces the second spouse into a depressed state and, in the end, ends with a conflict between the spouses.
Moving to a new place of residence, constant long business trips of one of the spouses, as well as a busy work schedule also negatively affect the couple.
Conflicting personality types and strategies for interacting with them
Each person, depending on life experience, has his own classification of people who are difficult to communicate. However, no matter what classification we adhere to, the main thing is to find out the characteristics of a communication partner and choose in accordance with this strategy and tactics when interacting with him.
"Steamroller". People of this type believe that everyone should yield to them, they are convinced of their own righteousness. The main threat for them is undermining their image, so they can behave rudely and unceremoniously. Therefore, when communicating with such a partner, if the subject of the dispute is not very important to you, it is better to use such methods of getting out of the conflict as evasion or accommodation. Having yielded to such a person in little, you will help him to calm down. If you decide to fight for your rights, it is advisable to let the "steam roller" let off steam, to reduce emotional stress. Do not contradict him at this time. And then calmly and confidently state your point of view, in no way criticizing his approach, otherwise, instead of a constructive solution, you will provoke a hostile attitude towards yourself. The rage of the "steam roller" can only be suppressed by one's own calmness.
"The hidden aggressor". Such people seek to cause us trouble through behind-the-scenes machinations. Moreover, they are quite convinced that they are right. If you encounter difficulties in communicating with such an "opponent", if possible, it is better to avoid communicating with him, but if you need to interact, it is advisable to identify a specific fact of causing harm and tell such a person that you know that it was he who committed this or that action against you. Give him proof. However, keep calm while doing this, do not give him a reason to attack aggressively. After you've exposed him, try to identify the underlying causes of this behavior. If you understand them, it will be easier for you to come to a common solution.
"Angry child" . These people are not evil by nature, but from time to time they explode like children who are in a bad mood. As a rule, outbreaks are also triggered by a feeling of helplessness, fear that at the moment "the earth is slipping from under their feet," and they are losing control of the situation. The "angry child" is afraid of losing his authority, power, he is afraid of not coping with the situation.
If you do not have the opportunity to evade contact with such a person, then it is best not to contradict him at the moment of an outbreak, to let him shout, to convince him that you are listening to him. That is, he must be sure that he is still in control of the situation, this will calm him down. After an outbreak, he will most likely feel discomfort, embarrassment, remorse, so it is best not to focus on what happened, do not remind or blame him for what he did. Transfer the conversation to solving the problem, do not insist on an apology to you, and if an apology followed without your request, accept it right there, without analyzing what happened. Helping " angry child"to feel calm and confident again, you will thus bring both closer to the moment of a constructive solution to the problem.
"Complainant" . "Complainers", as a rule, are seized by some idea and blame everyone around them. It is better to just listen to him first, and it is not at all necessary to agree with what he says. Maybe the only thing he needs is to be listened to, and by doing so, you will return to him a sense of his own worth. After listening, summarize the essence of his complaint, let him know that you heard his words. Then it’s best to turn the conversation to another topic. If he again and again will return to the topic of his complaint, calmly and respectfully interrupt it, switch to solving the problem, and not to its description.
"Silent". The reasons for the secrecy of such people can be very different, and the success of your communication will depend on whether you know this reason. It is best to ask the "silent" several open questions in order to clarify this (for example: "What do you think about this?"). But do not go too far: if there are too many questions, the "silent" may become even more isolated. Do not rush him, let him think it over and tell him what he wants, at a pace that suits him. Otherwise, he is unlikely to want to continue communicating with you. The main thing when interacting with such people is a benevolent attitude towards them.
"Super-pliable ". When such people meet us, they seem pleasant in all respects: they support any of our ideas, always give in in disputes, trying to please everyone around them. But, as a rule, their words are at odds with their deeds: you rely on such a person, and at the crucial moment he lets you down, not fulfilling what he promised. If you have to communicate with such a person, tell him that the most important thing for you is truthfulness. Let him promise to do only what is really in his power for you. Explain that you will treat him better not when he agrees with you in everything and promises to help you in everything, but when he tells you the truth about what he thinks and what he does. However, this person should also see similar behavior from your side.
Of course, this typology is only conditional. Therefore, our main task is to recognize a conflicted personality, to react to her actions so as not to aggravate the conflict, but to try to come to a constructive solution.
How conflicts are resolved in your families ? (parents' answers)
Influence of family conflicts on the child
Family conflicts, if accompanied by screams and aggression, have an extremely negative effect on the child's psyche. For young children, parental quarrels can be seriously intimidating. The kid may think that the parents are fighting over him, and such stress can cause emotional and mental disorders of the child. In addition, do not forget that the child always learns everything from his parents, which means that misunderstanding and constant conflicts can become a problem in his future family.
The influence of family conflicts on a child, or rather on his psyche, is enormous. Knowing how family conflicts and children are combined, parents should try to protect children from the consequences of quarrels.
Considering family conflicts and their impact on children, you can see that in often quarreling families, children grow up insecure. Parents can argue emotionally, go to shout, swear in a whisper, closing the door behind them into the room, it doesn't matter. It is important that the influence of family conflicts on a child affects his entire future life. And how it will affect - it already depends on the parents. It often happens that parents involve a child in their conflict. His role may be different in such a confrontation.
It so happens that parents are trying to win the child over to their side. They begin to endlessly ask questions, the meaning of which is to emphasize love for one side. It is especially dangerous for the formation of a future personality if parents, in opposition to each other, manipulate permissions: “Dad forbade, but mom allowed. She loves you more. " Children quickly understand how to behave during such a confrontation. As a result, a person is formed, trying to benefit from each situation, hypocrisy is manifested.
It is even worse if the child is a lightning rod, and the parents receive their emotional release by taking out the accumulated aggression on the child. In the future, the child will be unsure of himself, will consider himself to be the culprit of all troubles. In the children's collective, such children rarely find their place, and there is a possibility that in life he will have to be an outcast.
Even when children just witness a quarrel, and then their psychological stability is disturbed. Family conflicts and children are an unfavorable combination. The child does not see the reason why the parents are quarreling, does not feel safe in a family torn apart by contradictions. Independently in his soul he solves the problem of which side to take, dad or mom.
Any family conflicts that occur in the presence of children are fraught with mental disorders for them. Children may start to stutter, they are more likely to develop bedwetting, the baby will sleep poorly at night and be afraid to be alone.
You can solve family conflicts using the following method.
Six Steps to Resolving Family Conflicts
First step conflict resolution method: it is necessary to recognize that there is a conflict in the family .
As they say - the formulation of the problem is already half the way to its solution.
Invite family members to talk about an exciting topic.
For example: “Guys, I want to talk to you about washing dishes after dinner. In my opinion, it is unfair that after dinner everyone goes to their corners to go about their business, and I have to wash the dishes every time. I also want to rest after work. What do you think about this? "
Second step conflict resolution method: generating possible solutions.
In this step:
Ask family members for any suggestions, and listen carefully.
For example, in the case of dishwashing, the following options may be offered:
⁃ let everyone wash after themselves,
⁃ each family member washes on a specific day of the week,
⁃ let's buy a dishwasher,
⁃ let's eat from disposable dishes,
⁃ …
In the third step conflict resolution method you need to evaluate the proposed solutions.
The criteria for evaluating proposals can be very different - from aesthetic (I hate to eat from disposable plates) to purely material (we now have no money for a dishwasher, or there is nowhere to put it)
In the fourth step conflict resolution method we choose the optimal solution.
This stage is probably the most difficult, because it is necessary to come to a certain agreement. And, most likely, all participants in the discussion will have to make a compromise, because there is no ideal solution for everyone.
In the fifth step conflict resolution method summing up the results of the negotiations and finally fixing how the decision will be implemented: by whom, how and when.
In the sixth step conflict resolution method we evaluate how correct the decision was made ... There is a possibility that the decision made was wrong - then you need to admit that the decision was unsuccessful and return to the second step.
Exercise 4. "Ways to resolve a conflict"
The moderator distributes to the participants pre-printed tables, which describe the ways of resolving conflicts, the style of behavior in a conflict situation, the pros and cons of these styles, after which he comments on the handout.
Handout
Methods for resolving conflicts, style of behavior
in a conflict situation
Style | The essence of the strategy | Terms of use | disadvantages |
Competition | The desire to achieve their own, to the detriment of others. | Interest in winning. Possession of a certain amount of power. The need for an urgent resolution of the conflict. | Experiencing feelings of dissatisfaction with defeat and guilt when winning. More likely to ruin the relationship. |
Evasion | Avoiding responsibility for decision making | The outcome is not very important. Lack of power. | There is a high probability of the conflict going into a latent form. |
Adaptation | Smoothing out disagreements by infringing on their own interests. | The subject of the disagreement is more important for the other party to the conflict. Desire to keep the peace. Awareness of your own wrong. | Unresolved conflict. |
Compromise | Finding solutions through mutual concessions. | Same power. The presence of mutually exclusive interests. The need for an urgent resolution of the conflict. | Getting only half of what was expected. Only partial elimination of the causes of the conflict. |
Cooperation | Finding a solution that satisfies all participants. | Time needed to resolve the conflict. The interest of both parties. A clear understanding of the opponent's point of view. | Time and energy costs. |
In pedagogical practice, there is an opinion that the most effective ways to get out of a conflict situation are compromise and cooperation. However, any of the strategies can be effective, since each has its own positive and negative sides.
And now that you know the ways out of a conflict situation, we will illustrate them with the results of our exercise. "An apple and a worm".
Examples of participants' responses.
Competition: "Now, as I fall on you and crush you!"
Avoidance: "Look, what a pretty pear there is!"
Compromise: "Well, okay, bite off a half, leave the rest to my beloved owners!"
Fixture: "Such, apparently, I have a heavy share!"
Cooperation: "Look, there are already fallen apples on the ground, you eat them, they are delicious too!"
No matter how much we would like this, it is hardly possible to imagine and, moreover, to carry out completely conflict-free interaction between people. Sometimes it is even more important not to avoid a conflict, but to correctly choose a strategy of behavior in a conflict situation and bring the parties to a constructive agreement. Only negotiations, which will help to find out the true reasons for behavior, contribute to the settlement of relations and the establishment of cooperation of both parties.
Exercise 5. "A decent answer"
(for practicing the skill of a constructive way out of conflict situations)
All participants sit in a circle. Each person receives a card from the facilitator, which contains a comment about the appearance or behavior of one of the participants (options for statements are given below).
All listeners in a circle (in turn) pronounce the phrase recorded on the card, looking into the eyes of the neighbor on the right, whose task is to adequately respond to this "attack". Then the responding participant turns to his neighbor on the right and reads the phrase from his card. When everyone completes the task, that is, they visit both as an "attacker" and as a "victim", the exercise ends and the group proceeds to discussion.
Leading asks participants if it was easy for them to complete the task, if they took an unflattering remark about themselves to heart. Typically, listeners say they weren't worried about being rude because they didn't perceive it as specifically directed against themselves. Then everyone offers various options for a constructive search, which will help in real life conditions as well to perceive negative information from communication partners.
Materials for Exercise "A Decent Answer"
You think too highly of yourself. You act as if you are in charge here.
You never help anyone.
When I meet you, I want to cross the street.
You don't know how to dress nicely.
Why are you looking at everyone like a wolf?
You cannot have any business relationship.
X -
You seem to be out of this world.
You have such a scary look.
It is useless to negotiate with you about anything. You will forget everything anyway.
X -------
Look who you look like!
X ------
You talk too much nonsense.
Why are you always shouting at everyone?
You have no sense of humor at all.
You are too badly brought up
The game "Sorry, there will be no conflict "
(for practicing a technique that helps to avoid conflict over a trifle)
Before starting the exercise, the facilitator tells the participants that many conflicts can be avoided by stopping in time. So, for example, in our culture, in order not to bring the matter to a conflict, it is customary to apologize. One person takes on the role of the culprit and asks for an apology, and the second answers him: "It's okay." The British act even easier, they do not find out who was to blame - both sides apologize. For example, if someone in a store accidentally touches someone and asks for an apology: “ Im sorry ", He will hear in response:" Im sorry. " The first “Im sorry "Means:" Forgive me for hurting you ", the second" Im sorry "-" Forgive me that I stood on your road at the moment when you passed. " If someone deliberately offends another because he is in a bad mood, he will again hear in response “ S orry ", Which means:" Sorry, but there will be no conflict "or" I am very sorry that you are in a bad mood, but I do not want to argue with you at all. "
During this exercise, participants will have to act in accordance with the rules of English etiquette. At the command of the leader, everyone begins to move freely around the room, trying not to touch each other. At a certain signal (for example, the sound of a bell), each participant finds a pair for himself and gently touches the partner's shoulder with his palm, elbow or shoulder. Both members of the couple apologize in any way: " S orry "," I'm sorry, please "," I'm sorry "," I'm sorry about what happened. " After that, the participants wave to each other affably and the pairs change.
Participants talk about their feelings and how and in what life situations this technique can be used. As a rule, participants notice that they can not say out loud the words: “Sorry, there will be no conflict,” but simply remember them and stop in time.
Exercise 6. "Tangle"
The exercise is aimed at fixing the main achievements of the lesson, a positive attitude.
Each participant in turn, passing the ball and at the same time unwinding it, talks about his feelings, what he liked, remembered, was unexpected. The presenter speaks last, summarizes, sums up the day, sets you up for positive thinking.
Reflection.Today in class I ...
family conflict education personality
Many family problems did not arise yesterday. Single-parent families, divorces, marital conflicts, problems of loneliness have existed in the past, but have not attracted such close attention. In addition, the person himself has become more demanding in love, in spiritual closeness and understanding, sex. But everyone has their own path to happiness. Getting married does not guarantee a person complete happiness, the resolution of all problems at once. People in families strive to satisfy needs for love, children, understanding, etc. Most people take marriage seriously. They hope to live a long and happy life together. Why do conflicts arise and what is it?
All people are not the same, and, as everyone knows, everyone has a different attitude to love. Young people often do not understand that family is the ability and desire to give happiness to another person, a constant search for ways to maintain relationships and love. It is a pity when the resentment has already overflowed the cup of patience and nothing can be returned.
A conflict is a clash of opposing opinions, views, interests and needs. Each of us will be able to identify several reasons that cause frequent conflicts in the family:
- different views on family life;
- ü unmet needs and empty expectations;
- drunkenness of one of the spouses;
- unfaithfulness; disrespectful attitude towards each other;
- ü unwillingness to participate in the upbringing of children;
- ü household disorder;
- ü disrespect for relatives;
- ü unwillingness to help around the house;
- üdifferences in spiritual interests;
- egoism;
- ü mismatch of temperaments;
- jealousy, etc.
These are not all the reasons that cause conflicts in the family. Most often there are several reasons, and the latter is not the main one.
In Russian conflict management, it is customary to divide all family conflicts into three classification groups on the basis of conflict interaction:
By subject, family conflicts are divided into three subgroups:
1 Marital conflicts
2 Conflicts between parents and children;
3 Conflicts between relatives.
According to the source of occurrence, family conflicts are divided into five subgroups:
1 value conflicts;
2 Positional conflicts;
3 Sexual conflicts;
4 Emotional conflicts;
5 Economic and economic conflicts;
By the behavior of the conflicting parties, two subgroups are distinguished:
1 Open conflicts;
2 Hidden conflicts.
And in all respects, a seemingly successful family may experience such a phenomenon as a conflict between a child or a parent. Some parents believe that problems for children exist only in dysfunctional families. However, this opinion is erroneous. It would seem that the child is given enough time, but for some reason he becomes aggressive or, on the contrary, withdraws into himself or in some other way demonstrates that not everything is so smooth. What are the reasons for the child's problems in the family? In a number of situations, parents tend to blame the school, the dysfunctional company with which the child communicates, for this. Although, in fact, you should pay attention to the situation within the family. Many factors influence a child's behavior in the family, but parental relationships play a huge role. Often, many are perplexed about where their son or daughter is having problems.
Very often, due to their insecurity, children are identified as patients. In this case, anything can act as symptoms: school performance, poor discipline, various diseases of the child (for example, enuresis), all kinds of fears and phobias, etc. As a result, attention and care, which he lacked so much, were received. Even if it is in this form, but it is better than nothing. The way to the solution of the problem has been found - in order for the parents not to forget it, the child needs to do poorly. When an identified patient appears in the family, the whole family, as a rule, sees the problem only in him and asks for help in connection with him, formulating his request in the following spirit: "What should we do with this child?", Or "Do what with him something! " The paradox is that it is impossible to help such children without changing the existing system of relationships in the family, which led to the problem. If, without understanding this, you try to influence only the child, then nothing will come of it.
There are many ineffective ways of resolving family conflicts, the use of which can not only take away valuable time from you, but also aggravate the conflict in the family. To resolve conflict situations in your family, it is best to seek help from family psychologists, and not check the advice of neighbors, acquaintances or parents on your family life. It is impossible that there are no conflicts in the family at all, since the peculiarity of family relations is that people of the opposite sex with completely different life stories and different upbringing enter into marriage, and at the same time they are forced to somehow get along with each other under one roof. All that can be done in this case is to prevent family conflicts.
KMM "Pukhal basic school" of the Akimat of Zerendinsky district
"Ways to resolve conflicts in the family"
work with parents of GR children
Held by: D.K. Satanova
2015-2016 oh zhyly
Training goal: help parents analyze their parenting behavior, focus on the positive aspects of raising a child, forms of manifestation of love for a child.
Tasks:
Consider the positive and negative aspects of the educational influence of parents on the child.
Convince parents of the need for generous manifestations of their unconditional parental love.
Equipment: drawings on the topic, slide presentation, video clips, drawing of a triangle, a jug, hearts.
Participants: parents of GR children.
Training progress:
Introduction:
Parents are the first educators for their child and will remain them for life. After all, it is not for nothing that folk wisdom says: "an apple does not fall far from an apple tree," "he absorbed his father," "he absorbed it with his mother's milk."
Each parent should understand that the task of a teacher, as a professional teacher, is to help parents raise a worthy, educated citizen of our society, but not to replace them.
Conflict - is about to happen or has already happened. What to do?
Discussion with parents.
How to prevent the emergence of a conflict?
The best way to resolve a conflict situation is to avoid it.
In order to prevent a conflict situation, it is important that each family member feels the atmosphere in it, then both spouses and children will notice the deterioration of the situation in time and will be able to take measures individually or together to eliminate the causes of the impending conflict.
How to end the conflict?
The most correct order of actions in the presence of a conflict situation is as follows:
Identify the cause of the conflict.
Determine the depth and degree of the conflict situation.
Outline the ways out of the conflict.
Do not stop measures to eliminate the conflict situation until it is resolved
Aggressive child behavior is the most common way of responding to adult behavior and trying to assert one's rights. Children are vulnerable, easily deceived or offended, and in most cases, aggression is a way to defend your boundaries.
Now, I suggest you play a little.
Role-playing game "Conflict mitigation"
The presenter talks about the importance of such skills as the ability to quickly and effectively smooth out conflicts; announces that now empirically it is worth trying to find out the basic methods of conflict resolution.
Participants are divided into threes. For 5 minutes, each trio comes up with a scenario in which two participants represent conflicting parties (for example, quarreling spouses), and the third plays a peacemaker, an arbiter.
The moderator brings up the following questions for discussion:
What methods of conflict mitigation have been demonstrated?
What interesting findings did the participants use during the game, in your opinion?
How should those participants behave who did not manage to smooth out the conflict?
The purpose of the exercise: to practice the skills and abilities of smoothing out conflicts.
If ... I would become ...
The exercise takes place in a circle: one participant sets a condition in which a certain conflict situation is stipulated. For example: "If I was cheated in the store ...". The next one, sitting next to him, continues (finishes) the sentence. For example: "... I would demand a complaint book."
The presenter notes that both conflict situations and the ways out of them can be repeated.
The purpose of the exercise: to develop skills to quickly respond to a conflict situation.
Discussion.
Well, now, we will conduct a training called "Let's start with ourselves."
While teaching a child at school, we (children, teachers, parents) make up a triangle.
( Drawing 1)
The main apex of the triangle is, of course, the child. His task, learning new things, is to discover himself for himself (what I can, I can, what I am capable of). And the task of adults is to help him in this very difficult task.
What happens to a three-legged stool if one leg breaks? Will fall!
And what is said in the fable of I.A. Krylov's "Swan, one and a pike"? "When there is no agreement in the comrades, their work will not go well, but it will not work out, only torment."
Hence the conclusion: we should unite our efforts so that the child can live well and work in his "second" home - at school.
The participation of parents in the school life of children is of great importance for children, teachers, and parents themselves.
Dear parents, I have prepared a parable for our training, and I want to tell you it.
Parable.
People lived an unreasonable life, and came to the abyss. Further - death!
How can we be, who will save us? - people got worried. Let's go to the sage.
With the rising of the Morning Star, the Traveler of Eternity will come. He will save you! The sage said to them.
People stood all night by the road and waited for the rising of the Morning Star: they had to meet the Traveler of Eternity.
Not he ... And this is not he ... And that is not he ... - people said, seeing the early hurry.
One was not dressed in white - that means he was not. The second did not have a long, snow-white beard - neither he. The third did not hold a staff in his hands and did not look tired, which means that he was not him either.
So the first morning star has risen. A lark began to sing somewhere. A child was crying somewhere.
But then the Morning Star rose.
People stared at the road - where is the Traveler?
A lark began to sing somewhere.
Somewhere a foal whinnied.
A child was crying somewhere.
And people did not see the Traveler of Eternity on the road.
They came to the sage with a complaint:
Where is the promised Traveler of Eternity?
(-And you, dear parents, have you guessed who they were?)
Did you hear the cry of the child? The sage asked.
But this is the cry of a newborn! - people answered.
He is the Traveler of Eternity! He is your savior!
So people saw the child - their hope.
Conversation with parents.
The child is the Traveler of Eternity! It is on him that the salvation of the human race depends. And why?
After all, it is for him to live in the future.
The baby's shower is a full bowl (on the board is a paper-cut bowl)
( Drawing 2)
How do you want to see your child? (What character traits should he have? What qualities would you like to endow him with?)
Each of you and I have hearts, place them in the bowl and name the quality that you want to endow your child with.
(With the help of scotch tape, parents, calling the quality, "place" the heart in the bowl)
( Drawing 3)
Kind, smart, generous, strong, fair, healthy, caring ...
Look what a bright, beautiful soul a child has! And what should be the adults, among whom the child lives, so that this cup does not splash, does not break, but becomes even richer?
Kind, smart, generous, strong, fair, healthy, caring ...
But which of us is not without sin? Everyone has a negative character trait that prevents us from being better. For one it is laziness, for others it is greed, flattery, vanity, arrogance, cowardice ...
Let us think about the words of Leo Tolstoy: "The main mistake of parents is that they try to raise children without raising themselves!"
Let's try to get rid of at least one flaw here and now. Let us each write this line on his own piece of paper. Now let us doubt it and throw it into the "bowl of deliverance." So, we got rid of our vices, and it became easier for us, and freer in our souls.
Let's summarize the results of our meeting.
Today we talked about "Ways of resolving conflicts in the family." Do you think there are conflicts that cannot be resolved?
What can and should be done to prevent conflicts in the family from happening, or if they did, we would find a solution?
Discussion, parents' answers.
