Question to the psychologist:
A woman who was 4 months pregnant left me. She is 35 years old. Telling me that WE are expecting a baby, she added that it would be nice to live separately. After six months of living together. Arriving from a business trip, I did not find her at home. I took my coffee machine and a cat, went to live with my mother, motivating that it would be right, we are next to each other ... "I called ten times a day, asked what I was doing, told what I was doing. Then the relationship began to deteriorate. more, less often they began to meet, less often to call up ... And one fine moment in a telephone conversation she said "Yes, I do not want to live with you. To love each other, it is not necessary to live together ... We take care of each other so well ... ". When asked why and what will happen next, she answered" ... I don’t want to live just like that ... and in general, lately we often fought over my kitty ... What will happen next, I don't know ... ". She burst into tears and said goodbye without explaining or commenting on what it meant. Later she wrote SMS" I and our son need you. " We met a couple of times, I stopped by to see her at work. At the same time, we talked purely on abstract topics related to her activities, as if nothing had happened. In the coming days, she will give birth, after a month of unanswered calls and without meeting with her, I went to her, talk and find out how she feels, barely getting through to her, I heard a dry and unfriendly answer "... what do I owe? ... I'm fine. All the best ... ” memories, doing self-blame. I blame myself. I'm worried about how to be with a child now ... how to all this. I don't understand anything, but there were disagreements about the abundance of hair from her cat, but she did not follow her and me to her Yes, I tried to take care of her, but lately she said that my concern was unnecessary. I understand that pregnancy, hormones, all that. But to run to my mother ... We dreamed of a bunch of children, planned life.
The question is answered by the psychologist Efremova Olga Evgenievna.
Hello Vitaly.
Your situation, like any relationship, is individual and unique, so it's hardly worth thinking about any statistics. I understand that you are trying to analyze everything, draw logical conclusions, but this does not work in a relationship, it is important to see and understand exactly your woman. You just wrote very little about her, mainly about her specific actions. Understand the main thing - it is not enough to analyze and try to understand the actions themselves - this does not reveal the meaning of what is actually happening inside a person. The motive for these actions is more important, and for this you need to know and understand the person, what feelings and desires move him, what he wants, what to strive for, what is in his soul - you need to talk about this, ask, try to understand the other person.
If now for you the situation and behavior of your woman is so incomprehensible, most likely your communication did not reach this level of self-disclosure. Most likely, your woman was afraid to tell you what did not suit her, what she lacked in your relationship.
The way she left suggests that this was an attempt to provoke your initiative. After all, at first, having left you, she did not end the relationship with you, she actively communicated, but she expected active actions from you. Perhaps she wanted to see how much you need her and dear, whether you really want to be with her, whether you want her back. It is very important for a woman to know the truth about her man's feelings and intentions towards her, and not to suffer in doubts and guesses. In fact, it turned out that if she did not pick up the phone, your communication stopped for a long time, you did not look for meetings with her, etc. When did you come to her work - why did you go? Talk about everyday things? You have arrived, this is already your initiative, and in the conversation you had to lead - talk about what is really important for you, solve the most important issue for both of you - your relationship. But there was just an everyday conversation about nothing, what conclusions could she draw? She only made sure that you didn't really need it, since you give up so quickly and do not worry too much about your relationship and your joint future, so over time she communicated with you more and more coolly, most likely feeling resentment and disappointment.
I can also assume from your words that she wanted to be with you, but not in the format in which your relationship was. As she said - I don't want to just live together? Most likely, she wanted a full-fledged family with you, to live like a husband and wife. I don’t know if you have discussed the issue of marriage, but for most women it is still a very important issue. For women, the fact that a beloved man takes her as a wife is important, for her this is confirmation that he loves her, wants to be only with her, that he chose her for a life together and is confident in his choice, wants children from her, is ready become her protection and support. Then the woman internally calms down, she feels protected, she is confident in her man and the future together, and can be calm about her future children. Did you have any certainty about your future together?
Your question, what to do next, can only be answered by yourself, based on what you want. It depends not only on her, but also to a large extent on you. If you want to be with this woman, to raise a child together, to be a family - this is in your hands, do everything in your power for this, show your desire with your actions. If you are not sure that you want to be with her and in general about what you want - also say so openly. So at least it will be honest in relation to your woman, already practically the mother of your child. And both of you will get at least certainty in your relationship and perhaps go to the level of open communication. Decide and act.
4.8 Rating 4.80 (10 Votes)
My wife and I met on the Internet, she lived in another city. Two months called up, then she came to me for two weeks. We decided to get married: she really wanted to, but I doubted, but in the end I decided. She was very hysterical before the wedding, I thought she would change, but no. She is now expecting a baby. Jealous of me for no reason, every day quarrels, insults. I do not love her, I tolerate her tantrums. I want to get a divorce, but my conscience torments. I fully provide for her, she stays at home, although the term is still short. I myself do not drink, do not smoke, do not cheat, I work. There is an apartment, a car. Recently I met an acquaintance whom I love for a long time. She refused me, but now I feel that everything has changed. I want to be with her, I'm sure of her. And with my current wife - just out of a sense of duty. I do not know what to do.
Damir, 29 years old
First you write “decided to get married”, then “I doubted, but in the end I decided.” That is, at first there was "we", then - only "I". Perhaps you had other reasons why the marriage took place, but you did not mention them in your letter. Then you start looking for excuses that would allow you to leave your wife, get out of the relationship.
What to do? Take responsibility for your own decision. Yes, you did not have time to really get to know the woman you married, but you could not rush things and go through all the stages of communication before getting married. Now your wife is pregnant, and she needs a calm environment, confidence. Her status and body are changing, she is not protected: you are thinking about leaving, she may well feel it. She may have many fears, which does not exclude psychological problems in general (hysterical personality type, neurosis, and so on).
Regardless of your wife's behavior, you need to give her moral support. If it is completely unbearable - perhaps offer to live separately. But leaving now to another woman means endangering the course of pregnancy. You need to think not only of yourself, but also of your wife as the mother of your child. Now there are three of you. You cannot concentrate only on your interests and new relationships, you are a future father, and now it is in your field of responsibility to help your wife bear a healthy child and give birth safely.
