Many people are worried about the question: is there a friendship between a man and a woman? This topic constantly attracts a lot of attention from the press, television, and the Internet. Some guys who are on friendly terms with girls worry that they will never be able to win the heart of the beauty they like. And how many unfortunate girls suffer, desperate to attract the attention of a particular young man! To grow love out of friendship seems to many to be a truly impossible task. Is friendship between a man and a woman possible in principle?
Attachment features
Friendship of a man and a woman, when it arises for some reason, is characterized by a number of distinctive features. These manifestations cannot be ignored and pretend that nothing is happening. As a rule, usually young people do not think about how they really relate to each other and may well substitute one concept for another. The older generation already has sufficient experience in relationships, so a mature person is unlikely to be mistaken about their own feelings. The psychology of friendship between a man and a woman has a number of features that deserve special attention. All of them are remarkable and interesting in their own way.
Common interests
In most cases, boys and girls get to know each other at the place of study, or meet in the same company of peers. A friendship is struck between them, which many maintain over the years, making significant efforts for this. Sometimes a guy marries his close friend, such cases are no exception. In a male company, a female friend often appears. Such friendship is always built on a community of interests. For example, close friends play computer games together. They sit at the monitor for several hours in a row and do not notice how quickly time flies.
Joint sports very much bring people together. Especially young men and adolescents tend to get carried away with something seriously, forgetting about everything in the world. Common aspirations and pursuits are what binds people together tightly. In such circumstances, friendship between a man and a woman can arise.
Feelings of possessiveness
Another important feature is that close friends of the opposite sex always feel some sense of jealousy towards each other. It is likely that they will not want to recognize him, even when alone with themselves. A sense of possessiveness is a natural characteristic of friendship between a man and a woman.
The point is that subconsciously every person, regardless of gender, wants to please and impress... When there is attention from a loved one, under no circumstances will you want to lose it. This is why there is pronounced jealousy in such a relationship. Sometimes close friends unwittingly prevent their friend from having a second half. The line between friendship and love is very thin here. To go over it means to destroy the past, and not everyone can decide on such an act.
Constant sacrifice
Sometimes it happens that one of the partners really loves, while the other perceives him exclusively as a friend. In doing so, enthusiastic assurances of sincere devotion and established understanding can be heard. Such loud words also create an obstacle, which later not everyone can easily overcome. Most sane individuals will not want to destroy relationships that have been built over the years. That's when you have to really suffer. It is such stories, repeatedly heard from the lips of a close friend, that make you doubt whether there is friendship between a man and a woman? Maybe she never existed?
The fact is that no one wants to feel hopelessly and passionately in love. When there is no hope of reciprocity, affectionate affection becomes a heavy burden. Of course, such feelings do not bring joy, but only disappoint. It is very difficult to live, constantly sacrificing oneself. An unrequited person in love at some point is forced to begin to hide his feelings, which leads to general dissatisfaction, emotional instability, characteristic irritability.
Unfortunately, it often happens that the second partner successfully takes advantage of the situation. He pretends that he does not notice the ardent looks, because he does not want to lose a friend, and at the same time he is not ready to move to another stage of the relationship. In adults, as a rule, such problems rarely arise, but adolescents quite often find themselves in the "friend zone". Anyone who has at least once experienced such experiences on himself will not wish them to anyone. Friendship between a man and a woman is a very specific thing.
Signs of true friendship
Those people who, foaming at the mouth, argue that friendship between a man and a woman exists, should understand that such a relationship implies rather specific manifestations. There should be no selfishness in relation to each other. In fact, few people are able to maintain true friendships over the years without even trying to claim something more.
Selfless affection
It is formed when deep trust is established between people. Selfless attachment implies that people do not just share emotions and experiences with each other, but also really become very close souls. There is a strong emotional bond between them, which sometimes even spouses lack. In this case, there is a friendship between a man and a woman.
The opinion of men on this issue is that they prefer to build friendships with those girls who do not seem sexually attractive to them. Instead of physical attraction, there is a focus on common interests and hobbies. Selfless attachment, however, in most cases implies that both partners are already married. Friendship with a married man for many ladies is a desirable and attractive prospect, because such a friend will not pester, he can be completely trusted. A married man's friendship with a married woman can last for years.
Ability to be happy for a friend
Not every person is capable of such an act. The majority in their daily life is guided by selfish considerations. Making important decisions is often done with benefit in mind. The ability to be happy for a friend is a true attribute of true friendship. When there is no envy of any kind, the desire to gain profit or deceive a partner, then there is a truly high relationship. If heterosexual friends are capable of such selfless dedication, then in reality they will never offend or betray each other.
No jealousy
Friendship between a man and a woman is actually possible only when there is no sense of possessiveness on both sides. If there is no jealousy towards each other, and at the same time they manage to maintain sincere relations for many years, then this indicates a sufficient level of personality development.
Unfortunately, few people manage to have such a relationship. As a rule, people seek to receive, not to give. Not everyone can be a disinterested witness of someone else's happiness and really rejoice for their friend. The absence of jealousy is the threshold that distinguishes real mature relationships, built on sincere dedication and the desire to help each other. If everyone aspired to such a relationship, there would be no involuntarily offended and forgotten friends in the world.
The absence of unnecessary jealousy makes the relationship truly pure, gentle and trusting. Being worthy of such lofty aspirations, people, as a rule, attract those who have a generous, sensitive heart.
Thus, friendship between a man and a woman is a serious topic that has many pitfalls and very difficult circumstances. Most people prefer to build friendships with people of the same gender, because it’s easier to figure out how important and necessary a person is. Friendship between a man and a woman is real, but in reality it is even rarer than true love. The reason is quite banal - each person is to some extent selfish and unable to be satisfied with thoughts about the happiness of his friend.
Before talking about whether a friendly relationship between a man and a woman is possible, it is worth understanding what the experts mean in the word “friendship”. From the point of view of psychology, this is a strong, trusting relationship based on the spiritual closeness of friends.
Friendship ties can be true, warm, sincere. When they ask a good friend for a favor, it’s not for nothing that they ask in confidence: “Do, please, not for service, but for friendship.” True affection is based on selflessness, a person who is predisposed to another and considers him his friend is always ready to help and provide a service he can, without demanding anything in return.
Such fraternal "innocent" friendship is quite natural between members of the same sex. It is quite normal for a guy to be friends with his peers. The same goes for girlish relationships.
Although there can also be a gradation of relationships. In our mercantile age, the "ears" of self-interest are visible in everything. They often try to be friends just because this person is needed. Let's say he has good connections that may well come in handy. And therefore it is worth contacting with such. So true, disinterested friendship in our time is an impermissible, one might even say - a forbidden luxury.
But what about the knightly relationship between the opposite sexes? Is there a friendship between a man and a woman, even without a hint of intimacy? Can they, in principle, be disinterested friends? Indeed, at the heart of their relationship is the powerful instinct of procreation. Nature has endowed Homo sapiens with three major motivations that determine his life: sex drive, hunger and thirst. The strongest of these is the reproductive instinct. And this is an intimate contact. The human race has stood and will stand on this!
No wonder many famous people were quite critical of the innocent friendship between a man and a woman. For example, Byron said that such a relationship is "love without wings", Arthur Conan Doyle originally remarked that "friendship between a man and a woman does no honor to a man and deprives a woman of honor."
The "Iron Chancellor" of the German Empire, Otto von Bismarck, mocked that "the friendship between a man and a woman weakens very much with the onset of night." And the famous English writer Oscar Wilde was categorical: “Friendship between a man and a woman is an impossible thing; between them there can be passion, enmity, adoration, love, but not friendship. "
O. Wilde was right. A varied shade of feelings, wide in palette, lies in the relationship between a man and a woman. In the end, they all lead to intimacy. It is based on the reproductive instinct, an inexorable biological law on the extension of the kind of "Homo sapiens" on our planet Earth.
Although these days this unforgiving rule of nature has received a slightly different color. Now they talk more about sex - getting pleasure from intimate relationships, and not about offspring. The issue of "childbearing" is often postponed until "later" and often with a completely different partner.
A wide range of opinions on the possibility of friendliness between the sexes - from a categorical "no!" to the conciliatory that "it may well be." And if, nevertheless, it happens that then prompts such a "sexless" relationship, what is the psychology of friendship between a man and a woman?
It's important to know! If a girl speaks to a guy about friendship, then she does not see him as a man. The reasons for this behavior are different, but a young person may react to this painfully.
The main reasons for friendship between a man and a woman
Based on the physiology of a man and a woman, experts argue that friendship between the sexes, in principle, cannot exist, but, nevertheless, it exists. In a civilized society, the relationship between the strong and the beautiful half of humanity does not focus only on the sexual instinct, the desire to prolong one's family. There are many nuances why companionship takes on a "sexless" coloration.
The reason for this, at first glance, is not always clear, and therefore non-standard behavior of both men and women can be various factors. These include:
- Mutual attraction... It is especially typical for a young age, when a guy and a girl are not yet thinking about close relationships, they are still ahead, but interest in the opposite sex is already showing. Sympathy for each other takes the form of friendly relations.
- Hobby... When interests coincide. Let's say both are fond of sports or, for example, go to a dance club. A common hobby brings them closer together, develops into friendly communication. Such relationships can last for quite a long time, and sometimes they remain for a lifetime.
- Commonality of views... Assumes a similar model of behavior based on common value attitudes. Let's say a believing woman meets a man in church. They are family-run, but their faith brought them closer and grew into friendship. Spiritual closeness does not allow you to cross the line when the relationship can become intimate.
- Similarity of characters... For example, both are honest, open and selfless. They are sickened by secrecy, lies, hypocrisy, greed. They trust people, are always ready to help them. A common cause, for example, helping the sick and disadvantaged, brings them closer and develops into a friendship that does not cross the permitted boundaries.
- Unsuccessful marriage... They lived together for several years, but for various reasons separated, but remained friends. Alternatively, they have children in common, and therefore maintain friendly relations. Such relationships can be maintained by former lovers who have not "come down" to family ties.
- Friendship with a gay... When a girl is friends with a gay man. He does not bother, it is easy to spend time with him, there is not even a hint of intimacy. Such a relationship is short-lived, but there is a place to be. Among young people, they are quite acceptable.
Types of friendship between a man and a woman
There are several types of friendship between a man and a woman. The decisive role here is played by the age of the individuals. Let's consider all these options in more detail.
Friendship between a boy and a girl in childhood
Friendship between the sexes begins in childhood and continues at different ages. You can talk about a touching friendship between a boy and a girl under ten years old.
In childhood, there is no conscious attraction to the opposite sex. Rather, there is curiosity that "she (he) is not (not) like me." There is no sexuality at all in such interest. Nature has made sure that for the time being, children grow up carefree. Their secondary sexual characteristics have not yet formed. Girls are not much different from boys in appearance.
Children play together on the street, go to kindergarten, go to school. At this time, about each other, they can say that “this is a good boy (girl), and this is a bad (bad) one”. They quarrel, reconcile, in a word, they are just friends.
Innocent childhood friendship is the happiest early period of life, which is in memory for the rest of your life.
Friendship between a boy and a girl during puberty
During puberty (puberty), romantic relationships between adolescents are also possible. The awakening sexual instinct begins to dictate to young men and women the characteristics of behavior, which is not yet overshadowed by an adult outlook on life, when close communication between a man and a woman ends with sex.
With the onset of puberty, interest in the opposite sex awakens, as boys develop physically, become more masculine, and girls acquire femininity - their breasts are formed, their hips are rounded, and a slender figure becomes.
Attraction to each other takes on a sexual connotation. However, maturity has not yet come, and therefore often relations acquire a friendly character. And whether they will be so depends largely on the girl. If she puts the "presumptuous" guy in his place in time, does not give a reason to talk bad about her, does not contact a bad company.
In this case, friendship is possible on the basis of personal interests, coincidence of characters, common values. For example, a boy and a girl want to be teachers and dream of going to a pedagogical institute. They are interesting to each other, they have something to talk about. That is why sometimes they meet, although she does not consider him her boyfriend, and he does not see her as his maiden. How long such a relationship will last is another question.
Friendship in adolescence depends on the personality traits of a guy and a girl. This is possible only if both are aware of the value of light friendly relations. Situational "friendship" often degenerates into primitive sexual relations, which is not uncommon in our time.
Friendship between a man and a woman in adulthood
Friendly relationships in adulthood, which can be called childbearing, are quite rare. It was at this time that the sympathy of a good fellow for a young woman (and vice versa) has a pronounced sexuality. Nature takes its toll, the question of procreation is acute. Although for some, this attraction may be unconscious, but purely on a biological level.
According to experts, friendship belongs to the moral category. This is a personal choice of a person: with whom to be friends and what is the point of investing in friendly relations. Nowadays, when life is not easy and a significant number of people are experiencing financial difficulties, friendliness is often understood as a mercantile, petty, calculating relationship according to the formula: “You are mine, I am chibe! There is no smell of true friendship, not tainted by the mercantile spirit!
This also applies to friendship between a man and a woman. Let's say they are familiar from childhood, everyone already has their own family, but they maintain friendly relations. And only because they need mutual support. For example, She is the head of a trading company, He is a tax inspector. This friendship is businesslike, it does not go beyond the established framework of decency, as sexual partners they are not interested in each other.
True companionship between a man and a woman is defined by selfless care and support. Without any boring criticism, let's say, “I told you that it was necessary to do this, and you? ..”. No hierarchy and subordination, only the same position in the relationship!
Equal rights in friendship is a guarantee that it will last for a long time; in this case, it is unlikely that a man will hint at sex, knowing that he will receive a worthy rebuke. If he needs a good relationship with a woman, for example, general spiritual needs, he will restrain his erotic fantasies, even if physiology dictates them to him.
Therefore, true friendship between a man and a woman is always highly moral. In a relationship, they will never cross the established, even tacitly, boundaries of decency. This primarily applies to married people. It is not uncommon for married men to be friends with married women on the basis of common interests. Let's say they have common creative interests, both are wonderful artists. And such "easy" relationships, without any sexual overtones, have every right to life.
The situation with single young people is much more complicated. The question of "pure" friendship between, for example, a 30-year-old man and a woman is very problematic. Nature takes its toll, and the relationship between them will always have a sexual connotation that cannot be gotten rid of.
Although here, too, friendly relations are possible, which can be called platonic love. This is when a guy gives flowers to his girlfriend, goes to the theater with her, disinterestedly provides various services, but there are no close, intimate relationships. Such friendship should be attributed to the category of psychological "quirks" associated with the fear of experiencing real violent feelings. To a greater extent, this applies to women.
The other extreme is when such a relationship indulges female vanity. Some representatives of the fair sex like to feel themselves in the center of male attention, they love to "drive crazy" the stronger sex with their extravagant antics. Such "unequal" friendship between a man and a woman also occurs quite often. She is nothing more than a substitution, a surrogate for real friendships.
It's important to know! Despite all the nuances, real friendship between a man and a woman in adulthood can be! Just to find her, He or She needs to be at a level worthy of true companionship.
Friendship between a man and a woman in old age
In old age, its specific characteristics of friendship between "grandmothers" and "grandfathers", they are quite natural and continue until the death of one of the friends.
When the gray hair has silvered the whiskey, and the blood in the veins has "cooled down", the time of autumn begins in the relationship between a man and a woman. Sex is no longer so important here. Health problems are more worried about, various ailments are plaguing, you need to be treated. And the children have already grown up and scattered, they have their own family, other concerns. And if the wife (husband) died? A person is lonely and sad, who needs him in this life? And how good it is when there is a person nearby who can serve a glass of water at a difficult moment.
Lonely old people are drawn to each other and often converge. A touching friendship in old age, when the person who needs you is next to you - this is a happy old age, a worthy ending to life.
It's good when friends are not taken aback on a long journey of life! And it's great if a woman is such an old and reliable friend! For a person whitened with gray hair, she forever remains young and beautiful. Life goes on even at a venerable age!
Do you need friendship between a man and a woman?
Friendship presupposes a disinterested, equal relationship, such that it becomes warm in the soul. No wonder the main character of the Soviet cartoon "Little Raccoon" sang: "A smile will make everyone warmer, a smile in the sky will light a rainbow, share your smile, and it will come back to you more than once."
I want a clean, romantic relationship. And in life they are so lacking. And is it the norm for only representatives of the same sex to communicate with each other? Sincere male or female friendship is great! A friend will always come to the rescue and support in difficult times.
However, friendship without any "back" thoughts of a man and a woman is a real celebration of life. The warmth of such friendly relations warms the heart, does not allow it to become hardened. Doesn't it give a man pleasure to communicate with a beautiful woman, and she feels a strong man's shoulder next to her?
There are many different rosy hues in true companionship between a man and a woman. Even Socrates said that "without friendship, no communication between people has value." Man by nature is a social being. Only in relationships with others can he show his true essence, what he really is.
True friends will help you to realize life in all its charm and beauty. They are extremely necessary for both the stronger sex and the representatives of the fair half of our society.
Friendship between a man and a woman is necessary and as natural as the air we breathe. Such a wonderful relationship breathes romance, and it is so lacking in our so anxious and mercantile time. It is expensive!
There is no unequivocal opinion about the friendship of a man and a woman. To some, it seems unnatural, since the root cause of such a relationship always lies in sexuality. And they will be right. A man is by nature a hunter and is always looking for a "victim" for his sexual pleasures. Therefore, he often pretends to be a kind of wolf in sheep's clothing, who is not averse to making friends with a beauty. And on his own mind, he thinks how to drag her into bed.
Girls, too, quite often look for their own benefit in friendly relations with guys, and sometimes they just show off, trying to prove to their friends, they say, “that's what I am, I twist them as I want!”. These guys are called "bastards." However, you should not judge all women by them.
Watch a video about friendship between a man and a woman:
The Bible says: "Seek, and you will find, knock, and it will be revealed to you." This also applies to friendship between a man and a woman. Those who want real friendships will definitely find them. With one small condition that he himself must correspond to those moral principles that He (She) wants to see in communication with the opposite sex.
“Friendship between a man and a woman is impossible. Probably, it happens between the saints ... "- considered Ronald Tolkien.
Arthur Conan Doyle expressed himself even more harshly: "Friendship between a man and a woman does not honor a man and deprives a woman of honor." The debate about this phenomenon is far from over. Why is he treated with suspicion, what is his deceit?
What is the basis for friendship? And should a husband and wife be friends?
We are talking about this with Gleb Valerievich Slobin, a psychologist, deputy general director of the Semeynoye Benevo psychological service.
Naturalness or masquerade?
Gleb Valerievich, in your opinion, is friendship between a man and a woman possible in principle?
If the question is put so impersonally, "in principle", then one can say: "Yes, it is possible." But friendship is the personal relationship of specific people. And, as it seems to me, not every person is capable of it. I recall the words of Elder Paisius the Holy Mountain, who tried to treat any woman as a mother or sister. This is his ascetic experience. But not every person is ready to perceive this experience.
The Gospel teaches us that man is threefold: he has body, soul and spirit. After the Fall, the harmony and subordination of these levels of human existence was lost. Therefore, today, it depends on which of these components the aspirations of a person, his dreams, ideas are primarily aimed at. , what his heart is aiming for , the content of his experiences in friendship also depends: coarse, egoistic, carnal or more refined, spiritual, or his experiences are predominantly spiritual in nature. As a rule, all of them are mixed in our souls, and in order to maintain friendship, this mixture must be treated very carefully and soberly.
So, the danger is that relationships can cross the border of friendship despite some moral duty or against the wishes of one of your friends?
Yes. For example, if I, as a man, value a woman as a friend, if I am already married, or if I gave my bride my word about starting a family, then resisting the bodily attraction that has arisen in my soul for a friend of the opposite sex is a matter of my moral duty. It seems to me that this is a matter of ordinary, human morality, and even more so - of Christian duty.
Let's define the concepts: what is friendship and what is the romantic side or carnal attraction, how to distinguish between them?
Yes, let's try to draw the line. I perceive friendship as a special relationship in which the main thing is openness, trust, naturalness and equality of people.
In what sense is equality?
In the sense that there are no hierarchical relationships in friendship, which are present, for example, between parents and children or (but of a different nature) between spouses. I do not mean that hierarchy is a hindrance to good relations, of course not. But there is no hierarchy in friendship.
Naturalness means that friends do not play any roles in front of each other, they do not need to pretend, to build someone out of themselves in order to seem better. We know who our friend is and accept him as he is. Moreover, it is a friend who can directly tell us about our shortcomings, and from this, oddly enough, friendship can only become stronger.
In addition, friendship has such a characteristic as respect for personal freedom. If a friend does not want to communicate with you now, he is not obliged to do so. But, of course, if you are in trouble, then a friend, on the contrary, by the very essence of friendly relations should support you.
If the listed signs are present, then this is friendship. And here, in general, it does not matter who is friends - a man or a woman.
So. Where does friendship end and romance begin?
Romantic relationships are different. First, in my opinion, their motive is precisely eros, the sphere of sensuality. And, accordingly, the goals are different: creating a family, developing close relationships. Secondly, there is a significant idealization of the other person. Unlike a friend, it is common for a lover to see the other through rose-colored glasses, not to notice any obvious moments in his behavior, in his personality to those around him. Thirdly, in a romantic relationship, a young man and a girl almost involuntarily put on masks, trying to look their best. A man can - if he is brought up classically - play the role of a protector. A girl is the role of a courting host or a weak, even sophisticated person, depending on how she represents herself. In general, there is a "theatricalization" of relations. This is the qualitative difference between them and friendship.
Finally, if a friend can freely tell the truth, even impartial, then in romantic relationships it is characteristic for people to emphatically take the side of the other: to agree with the other in almost everything, to say compliments, to emphasize the innocence of the one who likes, to show that you are his (her) you certainly understand and support.
Self-test
Can we say that these are two different needs - friendship and romantic relationships?
I'm not sure if they are diametrically opposed. The attraction to each other, which the Lord put into the souls of Adam and Eve after the Fall, exists in every person and manifests itself against our will. But friendship, and even more so love, is already something that cannot arise without the conscious and sometimes very difficult efforts of the person himself over himself.
I would say that attraction is an initial impulse that a person can transform either into friendship - with the help of certain efforts, one might even say, with the help of asceticism; either in love, but again through friendship, because, in my opinion, marriage without friendship is some very strange relationship, if it is possible at all ...
You are talking, on the one hand, about the possibility of ascetic efforts, and on the other hand, that the attraction between a man and a woman exists by default. So these things can be controlled or not?
Attraction manifests itself against our will - in the form of thoughts, images, experiences. Another thing is that, having noticed them, it is important for a person to make a decision how to treat these experiences: either to let them go, or somehow to suppress or modify. Each person has the ability to track the harmful movements of the soul and fight them, at least not give them full will.
Where to start?
For example, the first question you can ask yourself is: “What interests me in this person? What attracts to him? What do I like about him? "
But we all tend to be deceived!
Yes, that's right. But nevertheless, every person has the skill of introspection, and you can arrange for yourself a minimal test. For example, imagine that your friend / girlfriend comes to you and says: "You know, I fell in love / fell in love!" What will you experience while doing this? If you treat this person in a friendly way, then, most likely, you are joy for him, curiosity. And if there is some kind of carnal attraction in the relationship, then the experiences will be different: either jealousy, or anger ...
Chagrin, anyway.
Yes. One more question you can ask yourself: if, God forbid, health, beauty, attractiveness of my friend or my girlfriend faded - what would I feel? Would it be just as interesting for me to communicate with him / her? Will I feel a chill in my heart? If our goal is to find out the truth about ourselves, to better understand ourselves, then such questions can open our hearts to ourselves.
Photo by Vladimir Yestokin
A little about distance and the Geneva Bible
Let's say we figured it out with ourselves. But what about a friend or girlfriend if the changes are on his or her side?
We can really, without noticing it, provoke a friend of the opposite sex to fall in love. With what eyes he looks at us, we most often do not know. We can only guess. There are signals that together can serve as a clue. For example, a boyfriend / girlfriend begins to play some kind of unusual role, to embellish himself. Or shows more initiative than usual to meet more often. Or from him / her you can increasingly hear compliments, or some kind of joke with a hint of a romantic relationship. Maybe the person starts looking for reasons to touch you more often, and does this when appropriate and inappropriate. . All this may mean that friendship has been mixed with relationships that are not characteristic of her.
What is the best way to proceed in this case?
The question is really difficult. Because if you "cut it to the living", that is, immediately break off the relationship, everyone will be hurt. Pretend nothing is happening? Slowly, slowly, increase the distance in a relationship with a friend? In my opinion, if we call ourselves friends, then we must, as far as possible, remain them, that is, preserve equality and not decide for the other what will be better for both of you. Friendship is, after all, the trust and mutual responsibility of two people. It's best to take a moment and talk openly. Say: “Listen, what's going on? Maybe it only seems to me, but I notice that you behave in a different way than usual towards me. Tell me straight - maybe I'm wrong. " It seems to me that openness and honesty, these most important properties of friendship, will help here either return friendly relations, or, sadly, dot the i's. It may happen that after the conversation, the previous relationship will no longer be.
But there is no need to break friendship forever! You can agree, for example, for the time being to communicate only in the company, so that besides the two of you, someone else is present. Such attraction to a friend can be situational and will pass over time. But it is quite possible that your relationship will never be the same: such losses, unfortunately, are part of our life.
Is there a "safety technique" so as not to get into such a story?
It, for example, is to initially keep some internal and external distance. Which one? The person decides for himself. Let's just say, optimal in order to show friendly feelings, but not to seduce another and not to be seduced by yourself. If we are already talking about distance, I noticed how in the last 15-20 years the form of greeting adolescents, boys and girls has changed. In my childhood and adolescence, I do not remember that when they met, a young man and a girl kissed each other on the cheek. Now it is generally accepted.
There is a saying among Protestants: the minimum distance between a girl and a boy should be equal to the thickness of the Geneva Bible ... By the way, a very thick book! Do we run the risk of going to extremes, becoming Puritans?
No, there is bodily contact in friendship, there is nothing wrong with that. But, in my opinion, it should be very neat, limited, or something. It is important to keep your inner sobriety. For example, to hold hands - this gesture can be present in both romantic and friendly relationships. Now the tradition of kissing ladies' hands has practically disappeared. It seems to me that it was a wonderful sign of respect and friendship, acceptance, nevertheless leaving a certain distance. I repeat, inner and outer distance is necessary in friendship between a man and a woman, if we want to keep it clean, without false expectations and experiences from one side or the other.
But I want to note that if there are no moral and other obstacles, then friendship can be a very good start for creating a family. It is great when young people have the experience of perceiving each other not through the "rose-colored glasses" of falling in love, but in friendship, that is, they learn many of each other's advantages and disadvantages.
Photo howpinz / flickr
Husband and wife as friends
Friendship in marriage - a necessity or a nice bonus?
I remember that I had one lady at the reception - she came not about her family problems, but in the conversation it turned out that she and her husband had a purely functional relationship: everyone does his job, and does well - they have no complaints about each other ... But - no striving for spiritual and mental unity. This lady did not even tell her husband about her experiences, fears, depressions, with which she came to a psychologist. This is how people can live for many years. And then one of them will wake up from this spiritual dream and he will want understanding, care, affection, just even a warm look. But he is not! And a feeling of loneliness, restlessness grows in a person ...
And the search for affection and understanding begins somewhere outside the home, right?
Exactly. This can provoke a person to seek empathy from other people. And the experience: "Oh, how my friend / girlfriend understands me!" - can really become in such a situation a great temptation for both men and women.
What's the big deal? Friends are just needed in order to understand. A woman in a friendly way can advise a man something ...
Yes it is. And, by the way, communication with other people, including friends of the opposite sex, can give a person more for understanding his spouse. Sincere friendship can also enrich family life, a woman-friend can tell a man something that will make him see new facets in his wife - as a woman and as a friend.
But all this is adjusted for the need to remember the distance ... Because often in such situations, on the basis of friendship, empathy, sympathy, the attraction that we talked about grows. A person may be simply fascinated: “I finally found that / the one whom I have been waiting for / have been waiting for all these years! He understands everything, and supports, and will not say a word across the board! " It is clear that this can lead to the collapse of the family. And then - and to disappointment in his new "soul mate". After all, the relationship is "friendly-love" marital strife: on the latter, you have to work a lot. For some reason, people often believe that family happiness should develop by itself. It happens that each of the spouses expects understanding from his husband or his wife, but he himself does not make any effort. But here we need mutual work, and serious work.
So, in order to really get rid of the experience of loneliness and misunderstanding, you need to do everything to build these relationships in the family.
But what if a person for twenty years of marriage is already so used to his spouse that he knows him as flaky and is simply not interesting with him?
When it seems to us that we know our spouse through and through and only a habit remains in the relationship, this does not mean that we have known our loved one to the bottom. Rather, it speaks of our blindness. About the fact that we are looking at a spouse or spouse through the narrow gap of our ideas and have lost the vivid feeling that this person is a whole special world, a whole universe, that he is still capable of surprising with something.
After all, everyone feels a certain potential, liveliness in their souls, few people can say about themselves: "You can know me to the last dash, to the comma." And the same experience is in every other person! It is important to want to see it!
Should the desire to restore friendship in a marital relationship be mutual?
No, not required . Of course, only one person can begin to act, and, probably, this is usually the case. These are not diplomatic relations, one does not need to seek parity in them and act according to the principle "as you are to me, so I am to you." The first thing you can do is honestly tell your husband or wife, "I miss you as a friend." I think if there were real friendships, they are so important that sooner or later a person will want to restore them.
Husband and wife are not just the owner and mistress of the house, not just the father and mother of their children, they are still the people who once fell in love with each other. They are also friends. And it is important to maintain such a variety of relationships. To plan family affairs so that there is an opportunity to just look into each other's eyes, laugh at a joke, remember interesting events in common life, go somewhere together. This is an important part of the life of any family. And friendship.
An underestimated gift of God
Well, to summarize: friendship between a man and a woman is possible. But you need to be careful - so as not to lose it, or not to exchange it ...
I think the word "sobriety" is more appropriate. Sobriety in relation, first of all, to oneself, secondly, to one's friend. Understanding that our heart is not free from passionate movements that can harm friendship.
We are really different - men and women. But this is the beauty! Because friendship between us has a different quality, a different shade than only male or only female.
In our conversation with you, I had an idea - maybe it is controversial. The very possibility of friendship between a man and a woman - the very fact that we are generally discussing such an issue - is one of the gifts of God to people. Because in Christianity, man and woman as individuals are put on an equal footing. And it seems to me that it is spiritual life as an opportunity to rise above carnal impulses that opens up prospects for friendship between a man and a woman.
What do you mean? We are not saints to soar above the fleshly impulses?
Yes, not saints. But we believe and see that the opportunity to "soar" is not an illusion, but a reality . We can "soar" by leaning on Christ's love and respect for a person of the opposite sex. What is required of us is to work on friendly relations, to cleanse them of everything superficial, unnecessary (and this can be not only carnal interest, but also self-interest - to communicate with a person for the sake of the circle in which he rotates, for the sake of his connections, money and etc.).
I think we underestimate friendship as a phenomenon. Sometimes we break friendships over trifles, or we try to mix them with some other relationship. But many poets, writers, thinkers pondered over friendship and greatly appreciated it! We can recall the spiritual friendship of St. John Chrysostom and the deaconess of Olympias. Now in society little is said about this, more about love relationships, and of a dubious nature. But it seems to me that each person should think about friendship. Ask yourself questions: Do I have a real friend? Do I need it or not? How would my life change if I had a friend? Or, conversely, how would it have changed if it were not for him?
In this case, different social positions, and belonging to a different sex, and different ages, and different beliefs are not an obstacle to friendship ...
Yes. There are examples when the age difference between friends is very large - the elderly are friends with the young. Or friendship is "inherited" - for example, I have a very warm relationship with a friend of my father's age. Probably every believer has at least one unbelieving friend. This, it seems to me, is not a question of age or worldview, but of interest in life and in the personality of another person, the desire to recognize this world and see its fundamental unknowability. In fact, this is a whole adventure - the risk of opening your life to a person and entering his life himself!
So, in my opinion, friendship is really a gift in our life, which has an independent value and does not dissolve in any other relationship. If it exists, it is important to nurture and protect it.
Humanity faces a lot of important questions, many of which still remain unanswered. Today there are quite a lot of different discussions and disputes on the topic of whether there is friendship between a man and a woman. Psychology and other sciences departing from it are not similar in their opinions, however, we believe that it is everyone's personal business - to believe in such a relationship or not. But still, let's try to understand this issue.
Is there a friendship between a man and a woman?
Psychology and sciences in the field of interpersonal relations do not have such a term as friendship between the sexes. Scientists believe that usually a woman suffers from such a relationship and does not feel her freedom even when she does not have any love affairs. In addition, friends simply cannot help but like them outwardly. Usually these are people who agree on characters, interests, temperaments, outlook on life, and so on. Therefore, most psychologists, when answering the question of whether friendship between a man and a woman is possible or not, tend to give a negative answer.
How does friendship arise between the sexes?
It is generally accepted that most often a guy and a girl are formed after the first one has a sexual interest, but then he realizes that nothing will shine for him and becomes just a friend. In such an alliance, a representative of the stronger sex needs to be careful, especially if he is married or has his soul mate, because he will most likely be jealous of such a friend, and because of this, quarrels can often arise. Usually men believe that if they have agreed to be friends with a woman, they can tell her absolutely everything from their life.
Eliminates almost any fact of the existence of such a sincere friendship, but in life you can still meet it. These relationships do not have rivalry and envy, and often a guy and a girl not only support each other, but also help with advice from the opposite sex. Some of the fair sex believe that such a friend will not betray, and if they do not have one, then secretly dream of him. Although many may argue that in this friendly relationship, one must definitely feel sympathy or even in love.
Development of a relationship
However, after a while, any girl and guy may have affection, and after that - passion, love. And the first stage of this will be precisely the friendship between a man and a woman. Psychology does not deny that the strongest relationships begin with friendships, therefore, such a concept as friendly sex is not excluded, because it is very convenient. At first, one of the two will notice that there is a wonderful person next to him, and then flirting will arise. Further, of course, in each individual case, things will develop in different ways, but finding a good friend of the opposite sex is real happiness. If you do not want such a friendship to develop into something more serious, then do not forget to remind your friend of this from time to time. In principle, the friendship between a man and this relationship is an expansion of the horizons for both. Guys get more information about the girly world in general. They begin to understand what is better to say and what to do to please the opposite sex. And the main thing is how to do it easier and faster.
Friendship between a man and a woman is possible, but very often a man next to a woman only pretends to be her friend, having completely different views on her. We will not discuss the fact that a woman at the same time herself can hide her real interests - we will only discuss how to bring a man out of the water. So, ten signs of deception:
- Presents. The "deceiver" (a man who cleverly hides sighs under the guise of friendship) gives large, impressive, generous gifts. With this, he hopes to impress your tender heart to the very depths. A true friend (a man who is interested in you precisely as a friend) gives little and modestly. As a friend.
- Help. If a man is ready to help always and in everything, at any time of the day or night, this does not mean anything. But if in the last month he came to rescue you on the Moscow Ring Road six times, and three times - in the middle of the night, this is no accident. A man for whom you are just a friend is not ready to spend so much time on you. He, by the way, has his own woman.
- Purchases. A man happily walks with you to the malls, happily enters each store and nods in agreement when you remember that you need a new handbag? Does he easily agree to this every weekend? You have no friendship - he just wants to please you. A true friend behaves exactly like a friend. He spends in the store exactly as much time as he can stand, and goes out to get some fresh air. Because it is customary for friends to respect each other's interests and not demand a complete rejection of themselves. This is how we men are friends.
- Discussion of men. You can discuss your men with both the "cheater" and with a real friend. The difference is that the "cheater" will always take your side. He will always agree with you and say that "he just is not worthy of you." This is a clever trick - let everyone be bad, he alone is good, and sooner or later you will notice and appreciate it. A true friend will only be fair. If your man behaved like a goat, a real friend will say that. If it was you who acted like a fool, a true friend will say so. This is true friendship.
- Apologies. Everyone is mistaken - they are late for a meeting, they forget to bring what they promised, they hurt them with a careless word. The difference is in reaction. The "deceiver" rushes to repent as if he were at the Nuremberg Tribunal. He is afraid that now he will lose your trust and communication. Therefore, he is afraid of any of his mistakes, even the smallest. A real friend will just discreetly apologize. If the error is serious, it must be corrected. If it’s small, it’s not worth worrying about.
- Drunk. Sometimes friends drink together. And then you can immediately see who is who. If he is a "deceiver", he will begin to tell you how beautiful you are and how lucky the one who will be with you will be. Then he will talk about his difficult fate. Then he will climb up to kiss. A true friend will tell you about the upcoming elections and the prospects for hybrid engines. This is more interesting to him.
- Attention. When you are around, the "deceiver" pays all his attention to you. From beginning to end, you are in the center. Are you cold? Should I bring a cocktail? Did you notice that picture over there? You look great, by the way! A true friend remembers that besides you, there is still - he. Therefore, you will get exactly half of his attention.
- Women. A true friend is interested in other women in your company, he is curious about the idea "you need to get to know Nastya!" (if, of course, he is free). The "deceiver" rejects all proposals - softly or harshly, but always definitively.
- Communication. A real friend communicates with you like a real friend - relatively rarely, and more often not nose to nose, but through remote channels (ICQ, phone, VKontakte). This is because he has other interests, among which he distributes his attention. The “deceiver” has the main interest in you. Therefore, he is ready to spend as much time with you as possible.
- Sex. The "deceiver" wants to have sex with you, but is afraid that you will understand it. Therefore, he proves in every possible way that he is interested in you not as a woman, but as a person. A true friend remembers that you are a woman and, in principle, allows sex between you, but "in some special case." He is interested in you, first of all, as a person.
If you can clearly distinguish three or more points in a man's behavior, you are facing a "deceiver." Then it's up to you to decide. In fact, a man's interest in you as a woman is not at all a minus to a man, but rather speaks of his good taste. Well, and the fact that he hides this interest of his - think, maybe it is too dangerous to discover him next to you?
