Every person at least once in his life asked himself how to maintain a good relationship with his beloved man or woman? How to build a relationship as a couple - the answer is in this article.
Every person at least once has faced the question: why did a period of coldness, misunderstanding, and alienation begin? How to find that cherished recipe for such desired and unexplored happiness when you understand your partner as yourself?
I was faced with the same question. How to save a relationship with a guy that is crumbling before your eyes. I couldn’t fully understand why it seemed to me that he didn’t love me at all. The fact is that each of us has a different concept of love. I was able to understand this only after completing training in system-vector psychology by Yuri Burlan.
Previously, I could not understand why my boyfriend loves to stay at home more than anything else. It was extremely difficult for me to get him to go somewhere to the cinema or the theater, which I love very much.
The most favorite pastime for my beloved is reading books. Ever since school, he had been devouring multi-volume subscriptions of Jules Verne, A Dumas, V. Hugo and other writers with lightning speed. After school, he entered the university and became an English philologist. His love of reading still comes first to this day. Today he is very interested in literary criticism. Writes reviews of books by various authors. Most often they simply say “thank you” to him for this. He often does not expect material reward. He is simply pleased to see his review in some magazine.
He does everything slowly, but if he already takes on some work, he always brings it to the end. But it is often very difficult to convince him of something. He is stubborn and stands his ground even if sometimes he is wrong. Previously, all these small traits caused me terrible irritation and I could not overcome it in myself. Because of this, we sometimes quarreled, did not find a common language and were offended at each other for a long time.
I've often thought how to bring love back into a relationship, but couldn't find the answer.
And then one day I managed to get to the training of system-vector psychology by Yuri Burlan.
Anal-visual man: behind the scenes of love
It is anal-visual people who have a special predisposition to acquiring knowledge. They are excellent students and want to be the best at everything. The properties of the anal vector, which encourage it to accumulate and systematize the acquired knowledge, forced my young man to even keep a diary of all the books he read.
But in turn, because of the same anal vector, they really like to sit at home - that is, in their conditional “cave” here they feel good and cozy. They do not like noisy guests and violent entertainment. It is very difficult to motivate them and force them to change anything in their lives. As a rule, they hold on to everything old with all their might: the old job, home and relationships. Everything new is a stress factor for them. That's why my boyfriend really likes to wear the same clothes.
I was even very pleased with the fact that men with an anal vector are monogamous. That is why, even after a major quarrel, he has been returning only to me for many years. He asks for forgiveness and we make peace. True, after a while a misunderstanding arises and everything goes in circles. Of course, I can’t change his nature, so I’m just trying to reduce the number of quarrels between us. Now I understand why for him everything old is better than new: before, the birds sang better and the water was wetter. Now phrases like this make me smile. He loves his family more than anything in the world; its value is the main thing for a man with an anal vector.
I became much more tolerant of his panic attacks. After all, I understand that in people with a visual vector, at times of stress, visual fluctuations intensify and they experience terrible fear for the lives of loved ones or their own. Any phobia of a visual person is a transfer of the fear of death onto an object, or rather a transfer of the fear of being eaten by a wild animal that sits in the subconscious.
But anal-visual men also have positive aspects. For example, they are able to love a woman like no one else. They write poems about love and repeat “I love you” many times even during a telephone conversation.
When their fear comes out, they are able to give feelings to the woman with all their hearts. That's why my boyfriend understands all my emotional states very well. After the training, I began to feel the emotional (visual) connection between us even more deeply.
He always gives me something to which an epithet can be applied for a long and good memory... he likes to peer at the features of my face for a long time. I didn't understand this before. Now I know he is visual, so first of all he pays attention to the face. In general, as they often say at training, anal-visual men are the best men in the world. They are the most devoted sons, husbands and friends.
Although money is despicable for them and they do not know how to be cunning, their “golden head” often helps to feel pride in the intellectual superiority of their man, which often overwhelms me.
Sound and sight we are from the same quartel
According to system-vector psychology, we always choose as partners a person with a certain development of vectors who are in the same states as ours. Therefore, they are capable of both beneficial and negative influence on each other’s state of mind. This became a discovery for me on the path to a new development of relationships.
My boyfriend, of course, did not always understand my sound depressions and listened with his mouth open when I started talking about the meaning of life. Then he said that he had never thought about it so deeply. Now I understand why, because for the viewer, the meaning of life in love is precisely what he fills himself with. But all my strange sound thoughts endlessly attracted him like a magnet. I had a feeling of an internal question: “Why do I live on this earth?” My suicidal thoughts, which I mentioned more than once, scared him terribly. Now it’s clear why - he’s afraid of death, but I easily think of it as getting rid of mental suffering.
In search of the necessary answers, I ended up at a training course in system-vector psychology. The depressive states in the sound began to go away and the joy of life appeared. Then the idea appeared to save myself for the sake of my beloved, because with my negative thoughts I influence his emotional state. Now I have the realization that my visual love is too little. I need to come out of the twilight of my sound in order to change our lives. Together we stand over the abyss and only together can we be saved, because as a patrix and a matrix we complement each other. I have just started my journey, if you also want to save your relationship from collapse, then register“You can’t step into the same river twice,” says a Russian proverb, but in life it can be much more difficult to resist entering a second time. Psychologists will agree with these statements, confirming that starting a previous relationship again is not the best idea. After all, once you already had to break up for objective reasons, and yet... people don’t change.
Fortunately, exceptions happen, and it is after a breakup that people realize that they cannot see a future life without each other. We will tell you what you should pay attention to when deciding on a relationship with your ex.
Honesty comes first
The main thing here is not to confuse true feelings with pleasant memories from the past. Don't cling to these relationships if they are just a way to escape loneliness.
Intimate talk
Before you start your previous relationship again, discuss all the reasons you broke up. To avoid past mistakes, you must understand each other's point of view.
New relationship - new life
Such a relationship should not be a continuation of an old romance, it should be a new relationship - a new life. All grievances, quarrels and omissions must remain in the past, otherwise the outcome will be predictable.
Trust only your feelings
Surely your friends and family will react negatively to the decision to renew the relationship, be prepared for this, especially if your breakup was painful and stormy.
Here you only need to trust and listen to your heart and intuition, because only you and your partner really know what is happening between you.
Get to know each other again
Treat this relationship as new, do not skip the period of courtship and grinding. No years should cancel romance.
Couples break up for various reasons. Some broke up due to an insoluble crisis in a relationship, in the lives of others love simply died, and still others broke up due to the betrayal of one of them. In any case, there are no truly “former” partners in life. Resentment, anger, anger, sadness change the attitude towards a person, but they do not always allow you to get rid of the feeling of ownership. In addition, long-term relationships force people to “grow into” each other, a special understanding arises between them, a kind of “everyday telepathy”, so it is always difficult to really erase a once loved one from life. This is why many people have thoughts about resuming relationships with their exes.When communicating with your ex-lover, do not think about the breakup. Don't stir up the past, don't sort things out. All this can lead to a quarrel, which will put an end to the return of the old relationship.
If a couple separates by mutual desire without quarrels and scandals, you cannot build a relationship on this basis. Usually such people remain friends, can sometimes communicate, and in moments of loneliness they end up in the same bed. But this doesn’t fundamentally change anything. After all, such couples break up due to the lack of common goals and interests; nothing connects them anymore. And if the breakup really occurred by mutual consent, then nothing can bind them.
Is it worth restoring what was destroyed?
If you want to return your partner, you or whom you abandoned, think about whether you really need this. After some time has passed after the breakup, only bright moments remain in your memory, the negativity is simply erased, so you can remember exclusively the merits of your ex-lover, forgetting about the shortcomings that caused the separation.Renew communication with your ex; social networks provide an excellent platform for this. If you feel that contact is being established between you, invite him or her to meet; for starters, it is better to invite your ex-lover to some small company, so the atmosphere will not be too intimate.
Don't be afraid to flirt with your ex, it will bring back memories of how your feelings began, which will only be good if you really want him or her back.
The easiest way to establish contacts with your ex-spouse is if you have children together. They serve as the main “glue”. Father-to-child visits are a great way to test the waters. Ordinary conversations, common topics and memories are what bring people together. Having a child simply makes these conversations possible because you don't have to specifically seek out a meeting, which can feel awkward.
In fact, the best way (which is suitable for brave people) is to call your ex-partner, invite him or her to meet and express your thoughts openly. This can be done if at least the slightest hint of former feelings has arisen between you.
Question for a psychologist:
My husband and I have been married for 2 years. Our relationship did not start with a fairy tale. I was dating another martyr (M), we had a wedding planned, but my husband (B) decided to fight me off from martyr (M). I didn’t want to leave my husband, but my husband was very persistent, he came often, talked about a happy life, was very cheerful, and I fell for his fun, because... My martyr and I had a serious relationship, we had our own circle of friends and there were no dances until the morning. Everything was going towards the wedding. After some time, I slept with my future husband and realized that I could not deceive my husband and I broke up with him. They parted for a long time and painfully, because... love is not lost, but my future husband would not have given us life, because... he is very vindictive. I broke up with my boyfriend and started living with my husband, but I hated him because he broke up my relationship. But I was physically drawn to him, we didn’t agree on anything, I was calm, homely, devoted, and he was relaxed, knew what drugs were, very smart and proud. He didn’t give me flowers, he didn’t court me, he demanded and achieved with his persistence. I was afraid to part with him (I was afraid that he would report everything that I had with him to my martyr, albeit an ex, to his parents). We lived together for 2 months, and then we decided to go and earn money for a joint vacation. I got a job in one place in one part of Moscow, and he in another. We only saw each other on weekends (on weekends there was only sex and drugs), I paid for everything. I have changed a lot. From that girl I became a creature, vengeful and hating everyone. Leaving for work for a week, I couldn’t bring myself to my senses and stop; I didn’t have the strength to run away from my future husband. I began to like this permissiveness and no obligations. So another 2 months passed, I decided that I didn’t want to vacation with him and went to Kazakhstan myself to visit my relatives. We didn't communicate for a month. I was resting, and upon arrival in Moscow I was met by my brother and future husband. At the airport we got into trouble with him again, because... I was tired from the plane, and he said hi, let’s go look for my sister, she’ll come with us. As soon as we arrived home, I decided to break everything off, this is not my life, I don’t want to live like this, I told him that I didn’t love him and gave him a choice: either everything changes and you are with me, or we break up. He chose the former. The next day he went home, and I stayed with my parents. A day later, I found out that I was pregnant, I told him, and he yelled at me for a long time, saying that the child was not needed, we would have an abortion. I sent him, I wanted a child, and then another story began. He still agreed for the child to stay, our parents matched me, 2 months later we got married, we both understood that it was no longer possible to live the way we lived, we would have a child and we needed to build a relationship. We have changed a lot in two years, we have become family men, we have love and a baby who is already 1 year old. We are happy together, we love each other, but like in any family there are quarrels about the fact that he doesn’t know how to support me, about the fact that I’m a little melancholic, and he’s cheerful. Petty quarrels, but we quarrel because... the blood is boiling, but it’s very difficult for us to make peace, because... I immediately remember our beginning of the relationship, all the shit that was between us. We do not want to reconcile with each other. And now I decided that this cannot continue, I need to start all over again. We didn't have enough romance, we didn't have enough good moments to hold on to, I want advice on how we can start all over again? That's it, I want to get acquainted (supposedly), courtship, meet, be friends from the very beginning. But simply putting up will not help us. How to start all over again? We want to be together, we love each other, but so many mistakes have been made, it’s impossible to forgive them. We need to start the relationship again. But how? Help save the marriage! Now we are in a quarrel, we have not communicated for 4 days, he is studying in St. Petersburg, and I am in Moscow with my parents and a child.
Psychologist Galina Petrovna Burovtseva answers the question.
Hello Julia.
“…. How to start all over again?..”
Life is a path, a road along which you walk. Everything that happens while driving is your life. Imagine that you have been walking for some time and have covered a certain distance. You fell many times, hurt yourself, perhaps got dirty, but every time you got up and moved on. And now you have arrived at a certain destination, looking back, you realized how many mistakes were made and now you want to correct everything. What to do? Come back? But time has already passed and everything has already happened. How to be?
1) If you have decided to start living in a new way, you first need to understand what was bad in your past life, what you didn’t like, specifically. I recommend writing a list of troubles, mistakes, from your point of view, and analyzing everything. After all, you can correct mistakes only when you understand that it is a mistake and it shouldn’t be that way.
2) Decide for yourself: how do you actually want to live further? Write a list of your wishes. Think about your behavior and actions in a new way.
3) Understand and put into real action all your reserves and opportunities for building new relationships.
4) Think about the obstacles that may hinder you. Preferably, based on your capabilities and limitations.
Julia, when you understand your mistakes, find reserves and write a list of how exactly you will live in a new way, you can turn to your husband with a proposal to discuss everything and think it over together. After all, relationships are built by two people, together, mutually investing with the desire for change.
5) Your husband will also have to do the work of analyzing the past and wishes for the future (see points No. 1,2, 3, 4)
Much in life and in relationships can be changed if you have a great desire and goal. And your goal is obvious - a happy life in the family, raising a child, love, etc. Good luck.
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