Ecology of life: For the modern woman It’s easier to build a factory, get a doctorate, and renovate an apartment alone than to be on maternity leave for 3 years with a child.
It’s easier for a modern woman to build a factory, get a doctorate, or renovate an apartment alone than to be on maternity leave for 3 years with a child. If many years ago such a word “maternity leave” did not exist at all, a woman simply lived like this for many years, now rarely anyone associates pleasant emotions with this word. Perhaps only for those who have not been there yet and are just going to take a break from work.
Most women find it very difficult on maternity leave. There are a lot of objective reasons for this, and I would like to voice them to you so that you don’t get the feeling that motherhood is just some kind of holiday, and maternity leave is the most cloudless time of our lives.
Imagine an ordinary girl Masha, who became a mother for the first time. Let's say she is 25-30 years old, she has already managed to work, make a career
Why is maternity leave so difficult?
Dependence – total – on another person.
His sleep, mood, appetite. You wake up on the wrong foot - and that’s it, you’ll carry him in your arms, won’t really eat anything and will even forget to comb your hair. If he gets sick, then again you can forget about everything except him. This also includes colic, teeth - of which as many as twenty will appear in the first years, the hassle of going to bed, which almost everyone has, night feedings and walks...
If the child is a morning person, then you also have to get up at 5-6 in the morning. If he doesn’t like to go for walks and screams on the street, you also have to go for walks less often. If he wants to be with you all the time and even sleep on you, you have no choice. You just do what your child needs.
I remember how, during my first maternity leave, the hardest thing for me was the feeling that the child completely owned me and absorbed all my time and attention without a trace.
You really are completely dependent on this little, albeit very cute, dictator. He guides you and your whole life. And if you're not used to it, it can be annoying. Especially if a woman is used to living the way she wants.
We are accustomed to the fact that addiction is always bad. We strive for independence, considering it a panacea for everything. And the children are trying to pull us out new level understanding of life - interdependence. But such a transition is always difficult.
Nothing can be planned and controlled.
I remember when my editor gave birth to my son, she told me that she would finish the book in a month. “Don’t rush to make predictions,” I told her then. - “You now have for a long time a certain unknown, which is unpredictable in its behavior.” After a week or two, she understood what I was talking about.
Sometimes he sleeps for three hours - you have time to do everything, and even get bored. And the next day you make plans for yourself - just for three hours, but he doesn’t sleep. At all. Only in your arms. Because the plans are not being realized, you quietly gnaw at yourself and get angry with the child. Is it really so difficult to sleep predictably and on a schedule? Difficult.
And the more we rely on our plans and attempts to control, the less we manage to maintain happiness and harmony within ourselves. Here we would like to move from planning to life in the flow - but which of us knows how to do this?
Groundhog Day
A mother's day on maternity leave is a set of the same actions, a million times a day, in a circle, in the same sequence. Feed, wash, play, change, put to bed - and again from the beginning. Not much changes - eats zucchini or pumpkin, plays with blocks or pyramids, sleeps at home or on the street, whether to put a hat on the child or not...
And all this seems meaningless and endless. An eternal wheel of monotonous tasks that do not require any special training, brains and everything else. But are mom’s everyday life so meaningless? Is it true that special competencies are not needed? Maybe our usual criteria for assessing a person are simply out of place here? Mothers on maternity leave can often do so many things that ordinary managers could never dream of. Patience, acceptance, love - all this develops in us when we come into contact with motherhood. You can't learn this in the office.
Minimum communication
I remember during my first maternity leave I kept telling my husband the same phrase. Mol. You go there and communicate with people, talk to them in human language, and here I have screams, screams, roars and all the other “charms” from morning to night.
Communication during maternity leave actually becomes less. In the office you are forced to communicate - one way or another. Some kind of communication is pleasant for you, you gain knowledge and strength from it, and open your soul. Some are less pleasant, you just tolerate it. But there is no arguing that there is enough of it.
With the birth of a child, our entire society consists of other mothers, children's doctors, sellers of children's stores, teachers of development centers. All. We really are no longer interested in discussing what we discussed before. But on the other hand, we become hostages of the “children's theme”. We are not looking for other communication, we are not trying to find or create it. Not realizing how much it can give us.
No result
I have spoken about this several times. But I will repeat. There are no results on maternity leave. They are not visible. It’s not clear how many times you washed the floor today, because when your husband returned, yours was hanging on the ceiling again. It is not known whether you cooked anything today, because everyone is hungry and the refrigerator is empty. It’s also unclear whether you washed anything, because dirty laundry again a huge pile. And so it is in everything. Our work is not obvious, immeasurable, but without it we can’t do it. Is this an advantage? At work I handed in a project and received a salary. And everything is clear.
No thanks
When the result is invisible, then there is no gratitude. On the contrary, there may be reproaches. I sat at home all day, couldn’t I iron my shirt? And it’s such a shame if you’ve been stuck all day, haven’t had time to do anything and are very tired. Help him! And he tells you - where is my dinner?
24-hour watch
Motherhood is not limited to working hours. You don’t sleep at night, and in the morning you get up before everyone else. And during the day you need to be in good shape, especially if the child is small - so that he doesn’t climb anywhere, get hurt, eat too much, or injure himself. Is it easy to live in such a switched on mode 24 hours a day, 7 days a week? Of course not. At work there are weekends and vacations, and the working day lasts 8 hours, and not three times longer. And the responsibility at work is still lower. You are not responsible for lives there (unless, of course, you are a doctor).
So it turns out that maternity leave is a stronger emotional and exercise stress. The eternal state of “combat readiness” alone is worth it! In the office, you can sometimes take a nap unnoticed, if you're lucky.
Your husband often doesn’t understand what you were doing, that you were tired.
Yes, not only does he not thank you if you did anything. He also attacks if you haven’t done anything - or done it wrong. And he won’t understand that hearing this is painful and offensive for you. He really doesn’t understand - it’s like you’re sitting at home. But have I sat down at least a couple of times during the day?
Yes, these claims often drive a wedge between us, we stop hearing each other, we get offended, and angry. Instead of learning to communicate, negotiate, and explain to each other what is difficult to understand, we argue. And yes, it’s easier to swear than to explain to the same husband what exactly you did and what you were tired of. It’s easier to be offended than to learn to build a dialogue. Which skill is more useful? While on maternity leave you have every chance to master it.
No incentive to take care of yourself
Many women on maternity leave look terrible. Robes, sweatpants, a bun on the head. Forgetting to comb your hair, wash your hair, or apply cream is in the order of things. This also includes excess weight after childbirth, which seems to interfere, but it seems not very much.
But as soon as a woman decides to go to work, she will immediately begin to put herself in divine form. And she will lose weight, and update her wardrobe, and again take out mascara and remember where to apply lipstick. Because now it seems like there is someone for it. But at home, no one will understand, notice or appreciate it anyway. For some reason, in this place it seems to us that our children and husband don’t care what we look like. Why is this?
The brain turns into cream soup
Yes, this is the effect of hormones. During pregnancy and breastfeeding, we become slower, have difficulty thinking, and forget everything. And the maternity leave prolongs this effect. There is no need for us to try to gather together, and that is how we live.
Some people think that we are “getting dumber,” others that we are losing our position in the labor market, others that we are behind the times. I prefer to see it as a pause, a respite and new opportunities. For example, stop living with your head and start opening your heart. But it’s very difficult to live with your heart. That is why such a cult of brains exists.
Socially disapproved
Society, by and large, now does not consider a woman on maternity leave a human being. If she sits until the child is one year old, that’s all right, but what if it’s longer? Then they will call her a dependent and a chicken, and they will start to scare her about leaving her husband’s family. This is not accepted. This is not prestigious. It doesn't matter. There are other activities that society considers “worthwhile.”
It is believed that maternity leave is unskilled labor that anyone can handle. Wash, feed, walk. But is anyone really? And what if we do all this mechanically, like on an assembly line? Are a child and his soul really a thing that doesn’t care at all in what mood it is washed and fed? And is it true that no special qualifications are needed for a mother on maternity leave?
Not paid
Society’s attitude towards motherhood is also noticeable in the fact that our work is not paid. There are payments before childbirth, and there are meager monthly payments that are not comparable to the woman’s previous income. In many developed countries Maternity leave for a woman is three months maximum. And then they don’t pay anything, workplace gets lost. Therefore, we have to send our children to a nursery.
That is, a woman is valuable only when she works. In other cases, it is not only uninteresting, but also reprehensible. Including on maternity leave.
Too new – especially for the first time
The first maternity leave is learning a new profession from scratch with minimal preliminary instruction.
You need to join in as soon as possible, you also need to learn a lot, life is changing dramatically. What do we get as a result? Stress.
You can only warn him by preparing in advance. Practically. You can read anything, but interacting with real children is completely different. If a girl understands what raising children is from the inside, it will be easier for her on maternity leave.
But most of us grew up in small families, if... younger brothers and there are sisters, the difference is minimal. And the younger ones were forcibly “hanged” over the elders - that is, the kids were not given the opportunity to be inspired. This is how we live – those who have never seen babies so closely, and those whose whole life has been ruined by these babies. And we suffer while on maternity leave.
This is not considered important work
Does it take a lot of brains to change diapers? This is roughly what they say about motherhood now. That this is unskilled labor, that anyone can do it. But not everyone can become an accountant! And an accountant is important. But the mother is not.
But why not? If what the world will be like tomorrow when the child grows up depends on the mother? If a mother, investing in her children, invests in the future - and not her own, but the general, global one. If it is mothers who shape the child’s values, his attitude towards himself and the world? Doesn't it matter?
Let's say we don't do this. We don't have time. Let the kindergarten and school form it. So they will create such a thing there that then we ourselves will not be happy! This place will definitely not remain empty. If we don’t fill it, friends, the street, school, TV will fill it - there are a lot of people who want it. But the responsibility for this will still be ours. Because we believed that being a mother was not important. That accounting is more important.
Money is getting less
While on maternity leave, there is often a financial crisis. There is less money. After all, now only one of the two works, and there are three family members. That is, more money is needed, and now only the husband goes to get it.
Of course it's exhausting. I want to dress up the child, buy toys, and something for myself. But you need to count money, take it into account, save money (usually on yourself). Additional stress factor. Seems. When I go to work, it will be like before, there will be enough for this and that. But will it happen? And isn't there another option?
The problem with women on maternity leave is that they completely forget about their husband as a man. They stop inspiring him if they did so before. Or they forget to learn.
Therefore, he cannot provide for his family, which makes him even more worried and feels even less like a man. She becomes irritable, nervous - and also dreams of the day when her maternity leave ends and she also starts doing at least something. Otherwise, you know, he just sits there while I suffer. And there's no point.
Much easier to work with
This is not about men. It's about women. It is much easier for a woman to work than to take care of children. Because children draw strength from it, you need to invest energy in them, you need to be turned on all the time. In addition, they also activate our own childhood traumas.
The work is easier. Limited working hours, limited liability, everything is clear, everything is under control. They also pay money. Compared to maternity leave, where you are not responsible for anything, you don’t have time to do anything and you don’t understand anything, and besides, you have to ask for money even for tights - this seems like paradise.
But it only seems. Because there is a price for this, which will become obvious in 15-20 years. And all the disadvantages of maternity leave, if desired, can be smoothed out, compensated, and turned into advantages. If you want and have understanding, knowledge. And the main thing is still desire.
I know many women for whom maternity leave became a point of a new start, a reboot and a period of transformation. Now they cannot be kicked out of maternity leave, because they realized their mistakes and found all the hidden resources of this situation. And there are many of them.
We simply don’t understand what a gift this is, how important what we do these years is, what kind of foundation we are creating. Even if it is invisible to the eye, even if not everyone understands and accepts it, even if someone laughs.
Years will pass and you will see the difference. You will see children whose mothers were happily with them on the maternity trip, and those children whose mothers ran away from there. There is a difference, it is huge. I have seen both of them in my practice. And even by eye I can most likely determine which category a person belongs to.
Then it will be impossible to replay, redo, “re-live” this precious time, the time of maternity leave, the time of investing in your children, the time of sowing seeds. When the trees grow, it will be too late to regret that they didn’t fertilize enough, didn’t have time to hide them from the wind, and burned them in the sun. Then all that remains is to accept the fruits in the form of clumsy and weak, or completely incomprehensible and alien plants. We ourselves choose which direction to go and what fruits to strive for - quick ones, after which scorched earth will remain, or ones that will appear for many years, although they will appear later. published
Many mothers know that the so-called “maternity leave” is very little like a vacation. This is work - every day and quite tiring. No, of course, it’s nice to watch how your child grows, how he develops, how he takes his first steps. However, in addition to this, you need to have time to do laundry, cook food, do cleaning, walk with the baby, bathe him before bed, etc.
The list of all the responsibilities that fall on the shoulders of a young mother can be endless. And women have coped with this perfectly at all times. Every woman dreams of devoting herself completely to her child. But not everyone has such an opportunity. Economic situation in our country (and not only in ours) sometimes forces a woman to change places with a man. Or rather, with my husband – the father of the child. The man goes on maternity leave, and the woman becomes the “breadwinner” in the family. Not so long ago, such a situation in the family caused only ridicule and criticisms, directed towards the man. A husband who raises children and goes on maternity leave instead of his wife was considered a “loser” by society. But in the last decade, the situation has changed radically and the pope’s going on maternity leave no one bewildered.
IN Western Europe About 20% of men are on parental leave. In Sweden, one in four fathers look after their children instead of their mother. And in our country, the “maternity” dad has ceased to bring a smile. Text
The main reason why dad goes on maternity leave is the financial situation in the family. Married couple makes such a decision if mom’s salary is several times higher than dad’s. Or mom is planning a career path that doesn’t allow her to quit her job. Sometimes a man works from home and has an unstable income, while his wife is away in good standing at work and her salary is growing steadily. Or the man for some reason lost his job or was laid off. There are plenty of options.
However, it should be noted that the right to go on maternity leave has been reserved for dads in Russia since 2007 , and only one percent of men took advantage of this opportunity. Why?
- Firstly, of course, the Russian mentality. According to existing tradition, the man is the main breadwinner in the family.
- Secondly, a man’s reluctance to become a “loser” in the eyes of others. “What will people say?”
- Third, Russian men they don’t want to spin “like a squirrel in a wheel,” because once they are left alone with a newborn child, they understand perfectly well that they are unlikely to be able to rest while on maternity leave.
- Fourthly, not every mother would risk leaving her child with her father.
But still! As statistics show, in last years There are still brave men who decide to take such a desperate act. By the way, every year there are more and more of them. That is why we decided to write this article, in order to help these brave souls - at least at the initial stage of their formation in the new status of “dad on maternity leave.”
How can a father apply for maternity leave instead of a mother - documents, payments
Instructions: how a dad can apply for parental leave
Conventionally, we divided the father’s vacation registration into 2 stages. At the first stage a potential “maternity” dad should contact his employer. An employer does not have the right to refuse a man his legal request. He is obliged to arrange maternity leave for the father and pay appropriate compensation. But to do this, the man, in turn, is obliged to provide the employer with a certain list of documents necessary to apply for maternity leave. Namely:
- Application for parental leave . There is no specific form in which this statement is written. The structure of the application is practically no different from an application for regular leave. This document must indicate the duration of the vacation.
- A certificate that will confirm that the child’s mother did not exercise her right to this type of leave , did not receive any monetary compensation.
- Certificate and its copy of the child’s birth.
- Application for benefits.
At the second stage the employer, having read the application, is obliged to hand over to the “maternity dad” copies of orders and statements signed by him. As well as a document that will indicate the following information: the period of maternity leave, the amount of compensation and the timing of their payments. If it is necessary to extend parental leave, the employer will need to submit medical certificates from the children's clinic.
A maternity father, like a mother, is granted parental leave for a period of three years . The start date of the leave is considered to be the day the mother’s maternity leave ends. The end date of the vacation must be indicated in the order. The employer is obliged to pay the man all the benefits provided to him by law. And also guarantee him the safety of his position.
Restore your labor activity Dad can do it at any time. But to do this, he will need to write another application - about early exit from maternity leave. Payments
Material payments in in this case are called child care benefits. The employer must pay benefits for up to one and a half years.
This amount is 40% of a man’s average earnings. IN special cases benefits are paid by departments social protection. The father can use parental leave for up to three years in whole or in part. The fixed amount of payments is subject to indexation annually. Fathers receive cash payments monthly no later than the 26th. In addition, fathers (as well as mothers) are paid a second compensation benefit
. Compensation is paid either by the employer or the social security authorities. Compensation is paid from birth to 3 years. To receive compensation, you must provide an application, certified copies of the order from the place of work and the child’s birth certificate.
It is advisable for the father on maternity leave to take a certified copy of his work book. The economic situation in our country is unstable and many companies are forced to cease their activities. Having a copy of the work book in hand, a man (if it is lost during the closure of the enterprise or company for which he worked) will be able to restore it.
And lastly, maternity dads should know that parental leave is included in both work and continuous service. And also experience in the specialty.
Dad on maternity leave - pros and cons
- Financial component. If mom receives a salary many times higher, then dad going on maternity leave will allow the family to stay afloat.
- Calm atmosphere in the family. Women often become depressed after childbirth; this is not typical for men.
- Statistics show that children are less susceptible to injury when their dads are involved in raising them. Scientists do not comment on this phenomenon.
- It's funny, but small children tolerate separation from their mothers much easier than from their fathers.
- For obvious reasons, dads are not able to provide for their child. The child either becomes “artificial”, or the mother will be forced to leave her workplace from time to time to feed the baby. As practice shows, such babies feed on expressed milk for some time, and then switch to artificial feeding.
- Women's psychology is too “mobile”. Leaving her husband with a child, a woman experiences a guilt complex.
- The Russian mentality is such that a “maternity dad” rarely finds understanding not only from management, but also from ordinary people: neighbors, friends, co-workers. That is why psychologists believe that in this situation a man’s self-esteem can suffer greatly.
The birth of a child is not only boundless joy, but also a rather serious test for the family. It's funny, but in Portugal and Sweden, male fathers are required to take at least a minimum amount of parental leave when a child is born. Obliged! And that's great. A dad on maternity leave is not a loser at all, he happy man, who has the opportunity to watch his child grow. He was given the joy of communicating with the baby! Many families around the world are taking advantage of this opportunity. As practice shows, most men cope well with this responsibility.
Therefore, if a situation has arisen in your family that your mother must go to work, do not panic and do not make a tragedy out of it. A father loves his child no less than a mother. And he is capable of much for his happiness.
