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What do women usually do after their husbands leave?
They don't do anything. That is, the worst thing you can do. They don't leave the house. They lie looking at the ceiling. They are standing near the windows. They sit near the phone.
What if he calls and she is not at home? A?! Call and say:
“Honey, I was wrong. I can not live without you! Or:
- Forgive me! I was stupid for not appreciating you!
Or…
Usually, like this, in fruitless hopes and fantasies, abandoned women sit and stand until the apartment runs out of food. Then they quickly run to the store. In order not to miss the call or its passage near the windows.
Why are they in a hurry ?! If he decides to call, he will call a second time. If he decides to come, he will not stay near the windows.
What should be done?
You need to wake up even if you have not slept. Take a cold shower. Dress in your best clothes. Make up. And go visit.
Don't you have time for fun?
Then all the same, get up, take a shower and ... run, so forty or fifty kilometers. Or two hundred ride a bike. Recommend. Helps in one hundred and fifty percent out of a hundred.
Well, let's run?
Five kilometers.
Fifteen.
Twenty five…
Well, let's talk about your suffering over your departed husband? What are you talking about? Not to suffer? And not up to her husband too?
And to what?
To water, food and pillows.
Right. True suffering - pain in the heart, aching muscles, dry mouth and a throbbing spleen - drives out the soul. So today you will not be tormented by your husband's untimely departure. I guarantee. Including good sleep and appetite.
And where will all this lead?
High sports results. Perhaps for Olympic medals. If men leave you often.
And at the same time to the weakening of mental anguish.
Doesn't fit? Very sorry.
Then let's convince ourselves of the benefits of his leaving.
First, the nose. Disgusting! Legs are crooked. Growth - small. Salary too. Character - you can't imagine worse ...
Feel better? No?
Then we must immediately look for an alternative to it. Just this very minute! An alternative man for an abandoned woman is the easiest and fastest way to get rid of the previous one.
Only this matter should not be postponed. Don't wait for a new gentleman to knock on your door. We must take the initiative into our own hands. Why flip through the first half of this book. Where about the search and seduction of men.
And again, like a bride ...
Moreover, it is not even necessary to drag a man to bed. It is quite enough to flirt, to feel interest in yourself.
Doesn't fit too? Because other people's men are disgusting to you?
Then you don't have to deal with them. By yourself.
Sit down and remember what you dreamed about in your life before? Of the most achievable, but not achieved for one reason or another. Which are gone now! Well, come on, let's remember!
Did you want such a hat? Fine! Now you can go look for her!
And a cloak? Why not!
Go to Paris? Great target. If only because it will take a long time to realize it.
Well, it's already more fun.
And if you do not entertain yourself, but reorganize your life, then it will become good at all.
One day I got a call from a forty-year-old woman. And for ten minutes she sobbed into the phone.
What, what happened to you?
Husband is better.
To whom?
To the young-oh-oh-th! ...
And again uncontrollable sobs. Such that I was even scared.
Have you tried to contact psychotherapists?
I tried it! They give me pills. And I need moo-oo-oo-oo!
Well, what can I do here? You can't really help over the phone. It remains to calm the woman down.
And I called her to break the old life and build a new one in the vacant place. And even discussed some details.
And at the end he said:
You know, if you take your own life, then it is possible that your husband will return to you.
Why?
Because now he has two women. The young one with whom she lives. And you, who is crying. And if he is crying, then he is waiting! What kind of man would give up the luxury of having twice as much as he had before.
But what does my life have to do with it?
Despite the fact that as soon as you do it, you will stop crying and wait for your husband back. Why would he worry. And he will start running in two directions.
But why does he need me?
Then, that with the young is difficult. She has young habits and aspirations. And requirements. Which he will soon not match. And, having walked up, he will return to his former wife. To you.
Exactly?
No, not exactly. But it is likely. Easy to walk when the rears are protected. When you can return at any moment ...
I do not believe you. He's gone forever!
And that's whatever you like. After all, our task is not to return the husband, but to realize your life.
A month later, the bell rang again.
They laughed into the phone for five minutes.
You ... you ... are right! - periodically broke through the laughter voice.
What is right? Who you are?
I am the woman from whom my husband left. You were absolutely right. He came! He did not just come, he crawls on his knees for the second day and asks for forgiveness.
I'm happy for you.
No. Not in this case. I wanted to ask something completely different! What?
And do you know what she said? She said brilliantly! And it is possible so that it ... Well, in general, now ... So that it was not. To send it back! Where?! To that young one.
Female! A month ago you begged for your husband back. You were crying! And now…
And now I have just begun to live!
Everything is correct. The woman felt a taste for life. The one she hasn’t lived yet.
So a divorce comes out - it is far from death ...
Chapter 61. HOW TO LEAVE A HUSBAND WITH THE LOWEST LOSSES FOR HIM AND YOURSELF
Well, too, I found a problem! Get away from your husband! I took it and left. And all business!
This is how women usually reason. And so they leave. All at once. Like throwing themselves into cold water.
So how should it be?
With a head it is necessary! Having weighed everything thoroughly. And trying to figure out the main motive for the divorce.
What for?
Then, to try to fix it.
Why fix?
To try to start all over again with my husband. Like after the wedding.
Why with your husband?
No, it's impossible to talk like that ...
And I say impossible. It is impossible to live with him any longer.
Why? Is he drinking? Brawler? Selling furniture to the side? Has three more families?
Probably not.
Then why do you want to leave him?
Well, I do not know…
But they should know! It is impossible to part without clearly formulated mutual claims! Otherwise, you will later regret leaving. Or you just can't leave.
How can I not?
Physically. Don't you know families that get divorced all their lives. And they converge - all their life. Instead of one single time.
And why? Because they cannot find weighty arguments against each other. They feel bad together and not good apart.
But endless divorce is not a tragedy yet. Tragedy is when at first they get divorced, and then they start thinking why.
I knew a family that broke up because of ... cockroaches. Yes, yes, because of the common, kitchen cockroaches. The fact is that the husband had a bad habit of crushing the scattering small cockroaches with his fingers. Since it took a long time to take off the slippers. And the wife, observing this procedure, imagined that at night, he had these very hands ... Even if he washed them a hundred times after that.
They've divorced. What they regretted for many years after that. Most of all she.
A cockroach ran across the path to a happy marriage! Why is this possible?
Because they didn't think about each other. And they didn't think at all.
The husband did not bother to understand that his proposed method of exterminating cockroaches was unacceptable for his wife. So much so that she is ready to part with him.
The wife could not or did not want to explain the extent of her dislike. I didn't try to convince my husband to find another way. She accumulated irritation on him, which led to a divorce.
Two normal people who love each other could not figure out the reasons for a trifling, in general, conflict. Couldn't explain. And they parted!
Don't follow their sad example. Analyze your feelings. Especially on the negative spectrum - discontent, irritation, anger, hatred. Look for their motivations. What did you dislike about your husband's behavior? Or did you not like the bad weather, and your husband just fell under a hot hand?
Search! There is always a reason! From global - spots in the sun, to banal - torn new tights.
Found it?
Then explain the reasons for your irritation to your other half in an accessible form.
Explained nine times? Explain tenth. For greater persuasiveness, accompanying words with actions. Only not with threats and massacre, which only annoy the opponent, but, for example, a three-day hunger strike. Others' sufferings are much more impressive than their own.
And when will you get divorced?
When you run out of all the possibilities. Up to one!
But, even when divorcing, think about maintaining a normal relationship. Because divorce is not a reason for hatred!
Divorce in a civilized manner. Thinking about yourself. But also about her husband! First of all, about her husband!
About whom?
About husband!
What are you talking about? You know how he got me over the years! So that I think about him ...
Nevertheless. After all, you are the initiator of the divorce, not he.
So what?
That the leaving party should take care of the leaving one. If only because she was mentally prepared for divorce. And also because it leaves for a happier life. Or less unhappy than she was. That is, it wins. Why should I show some nobility.
Not convinced? I would like to say goodbye, for all the torments I have endured ...
Then let's talk about the benefits. About nobility.
Caring for your husband during the divorce process is very beneficial for you. And not even because a bad world is better than a good quarrel. Simply profitable!
How?
The fact that you do not have a mortal enemy in his face!
Why he will not interfere with you in the registration of the legal side of the divorce.
Will not spite you to select children.
For the same reasons, he will not bargain with you for each stool that can be divided in two.
Perhaps in the future he will help with money.
And participation in the fate of children.
But the most important thing is that it won't get into your new life! Including your new family.
If you are kind to him.
And if in an evil way - it will climb! Has every moral right! For example, smash your new husband's face. And smash again. And the third one. Or, even worse, press him in a dark corner and tell who you really are. What they were doing. And what they can do. But he can tell a lot! And even compose! ...
Scoundrel!
No, not a scoundrel. Just a reflection of your actions. Echo! After all, you yourself did not want peace. We wanted war! So get full-blown action.
What? Don't feel like it anymore?
What did you think about before? Oh, didn't you?
Yes, that is usually the case. Women get divorced just to get a divorce! Guided by some kind of special logic. From a man's point of view - anti-logic!
Once a woman came to me and for a long time was indignant at the behavior of her husband.
- I came to wish him a Happy New Year, and he ... he had a naked woman in his bed! Libertine! Kazakov! Well, I arranged it for them! I arranged this for them!
- What did you do?
- I arranged the Last Judgment. I pulled out all her hair. I tore all my clothes! And in what is thrown out the door! Naked! Into the cold! So that in the future it was discouraging!
Because I'm for my husband! ..
- Wait, wait, - I did not understand. - You said you came to congratulate. Where did they come from?
- From home.
“Isn't your husband’s house yours?”
- Of course not. I haven't lived with him for two years.
- Two years?!
- Well, yes! We're divorced. I have a new family.
- Why did you ... Why did you come to the house of a virtually stranger and by the hair pulled a stranger out of his bed? On what grounds ?! I do not understand anything.
- How, on what basis? I came to congratulate him! And by the way, I haven't even taken my suitcase from him yet.
Here's the logic! Two years divorced, and continues to consider her ex-husband! And he is jealous of strangers. On the grounds that she did not take the suitcase from him!
That is, scatter three dozen suitcases around the city and, on this basis, all those men are deprived of their personal life!
In gives! And you say!
What are you saying? Agree in a civilized way?
Then you have to prepare for a divorce well in advance.
Begin to accumulate arguments why you cannot live with your husband on. Better in the form of incriminating evidence, which you lay out all at once on the eve of the divorce. To develop a guilt complex in him. Or for the court, if it does not work on him.
Calculate how and on what you will live after the divorce. Who to rely on.
Legally grounded in order to be guaranteed to defend your children, living space and material values.
Find out what kind of social support you can count on as a divorcee. Including finding places in kindergartens, nurseries and schools in advance.
Prepare your husband psychologically for divorce. Why constantly hint to him in a calm manner that you will not succeed with him. Through your fault. Because he is beyond criticism.
Customize the children as needed. So that your divorce does not come as a surprise to them. And to keep them on your side.
Don't forget your relatives. Especially their own. By which your family life should be presented in a favorable light to you.
To begin to look for the husband of those women to whom it will be possible to pass it from hand to hand. Turning the divorce into his new marriage. I understand that it is unpleasant. But this means for stabilizing her husband and a peaceful divorce is ideal. Another woman will be able to heal his mental wounds much faster than relatives, friends, vodka and momentary entertainment combined.
If you cannot find a new wife for him, find at least a girlfriend who can distract him from his gloomy thoughts. And from you. If she doesn't agree to share a bed with him, let her at least flirt. It is very important for a divorced man to feel a woman's interest in himself. It is distracting. And rehabilitates.
The conversation, during which the word "divorce" is first heard, should be conducted in a hysterical and suffering tone, with tears, snot, tufts of torn hair, accusations against her husband and criticism of her own. Calm ultimatums are perceived by men very badly. The language of logic and ultimatums is their masculine language. Babskys are expected from you. hysterical reactions. Show them off.
End the conversation with compliments addressed to the husband and the male sex in general. They love it.
Leave the last word to your husband. Because it doesn't mean anything. Although it creates the illusion of victory.
After a divorce, do your best to keep your ex-husband on a good, ideally friendly relationship. It will be useful to you a hundred times.
Several couples of spouses, whom I divorced, using modern terminology, have kept the best relations with each other. If the ex-wife needs to transport something or go somewhere, the ex-husband instantly gives the car. In which the new husband also sits. Another couple are home friends. The third ... the third connected again. Because they parted normally, without having time to tell each other nasty things. And they live very happily.
So I recommend it.
Divorce is, it is possible, the first step to marriage. And to ... the beginning of the first chapter.
Chapter 62. ABOUT HOW TO USE THIS BOOK, or WHAT YOU SHOULD DO FOR MY ADVICE TO BE USED TO YOU
I have given a lot of advice in this book on how to get married and keep your husband in the family. Now, on the last pages, I want to confess - they are useless! Absolutely! If you apply them separately!
If you try to subjugate a man in any one way you choose. Nothing will come of it. He'll go away!
One trick is like one cobweb that breaks from the slightest effort. A single spider web is not able to keep even a fly. The spider wraps around its victim with hundreds, thousands of cobwebs, turning them into a durable cocoon that cannot be pulled out.
You should do the same.
Do not limit yourself to one, two or ten tricks, no matter how effective they seem. Use the entire arsenal of tools you know.
All! And at the same time!
Then it will be impossible for your man to escape from you!
Then he will be yours!
VERY SHORT AFTERWORD. IT'S THE SAME WISH OF THE AUTHOR TO THE READER WHO HAS READ THIS BOOK TO THE END LOVE EACH OTHER! HOLD ON EACH OTHER! LIVE FOR A FRIEND! AND BE EACH OTHER HAPPY!
The husband left. How to survive and what to do if your husband left? Most women who have been married since their youth are not ready for their husbands to leave. What caused the breakup is not so important, one thing is clear - loneliness for such wives is worse than any punishment! It's hard to survive the departure of a loved one, habit and all that greatly undermine the psyche, which is why some have nervous breakdowns, tantrums and even suicide. I would like to help such wives to cope with the proud situation, not to fall face down in the mud in front of others and continue life anew!
How to behave after your husband leaves?
The first thing you shouldn't do is wait for your husband to come back! Such an expectation can be very prolonged and lead to madness. Try to find an application for yourself - take care of your children, grandchildren, remember your hobbies, hobbies, go to visit distant relatives. In general, do things that will remind you of your husband to a minimum. read ...
Taking care of your appearance, drastically changing your style and hairstyle, it will help to raise self-esteem and distract. In addition, a well-groomed woman at any age will attract the attention of men, which you will soon need, because in any case, you can still create a new family - remember this!
If you saw your ex-husband with another woman
Behave with dignity in public, especially if you meet your “ex,” and even with another woman. People around you should not think that you are an unbalanced and psychic person, let your husband once again see what beauty he left behind!
Husband will take a walk and return
When communicating with friends, do not stoop to abuse your husband and do not pour mud on him. It may happen that the husband really "takes a walk and comes back", and then you yourself will feel embarrassed that you took "so bad" back with open arms, it is better not to say anything about your relationship at all.
It's a shame that my husband left
Many women feel ashamed after being abandoned by their husbands. It is difficult for them to overcome that fear of meeting acquaintances, walking down the street, because she understands that after that everyone will whisper that she is "abandoned." In fact, it’s not like that! Of course, there will be people who will tell you nasty things, but they will talk and shut up. For whatever reason, your husband does not leave you - this is only your business, a family matter and you do not carry an answer to anyone! Stay proud and love yourself!
Since your husband has left you, do not give up
Well, and finally I would like to say, since your husband left you, it is not yet known who was lucky ... Try to improve your life without him, perhaps for so many years you have lived completely with the wrong person who was destined for you, and you were not actually happy , just didn't notice it ...
How to deal with depression after a breakup?
Most people are familiar with the situation when, for one reason or another, relationships with lovers end. It doesn't matter how long they lasted, the only important thing is how strong feelings the two lovers experienced. Sometimes, after long years of measured life together, parting is easier than after two months of strong and mutual love.
However, there are several ways to banish your depression and heal your broken heart. Often, a simple formal parting with a person in words is not enough. It is necessary to let go of his image, all feelings towards him and the memories associated with him.
Emotional Healing Techniques After Husband Leaves
How quickly a person is able to let go of the situation and another person depends only on himself. After all, you can cry into your pillow for months, or even years, remembering the days spent together. Therefore, first of all, you need to sort out the whole situation yourself.
A clear definition is needed:
Own thoughts about this person;
Own feelings after the memories of those relationships that have developed (and could not have developed) with him;
Own feelings experienced after parting.
You need to formulate the answers to these questions and write them down. They will help to understand the feelings and sensations, and then relieve the accumulated emotional stress.
A similar method is to write down on paper all your negative thoughts about the person with whom there was a breakup, and about the event in general, and burn it. So a person symbolically lets go of the situation, frees himself from the burden that weighs on him.
These methods are called "emotional", because connected with the inner state of a person, his thoughts and experiences.
Intelligent Healing Techniques After Husband Leaves
Each person is a personality with complex components. They include:
Interests;
Hobbies, hobbies;
Capabilities.
These components are different for all people. Someone is interested in reading books in a relaxed atmosphere, attending lectures and learning something new, while someone loves drive and jumps from a parachute, while experiencing delight and admiration. All people are individual. This is what you should never forget.
When people are in a relationship, most of them forget about their personality and characteristics. They begin to dissolve in their partner, thinking about him day and night, living for him. And after the breakup, an emotional shock occurs, which often turns into paranoia. The person begins to be haunted by thoughts about their ex-partner more often and this only aggravates the situation.
You can correct such consequences yourself. You just need to remember those basic elements presented above, which make up human uniqueness. A person must remember his hobbies, do what he loves, or, if he does not have any, find a hobby that will suit him.
Very often you can see such a life situation when a husband and wife, during a quarrel, begin to reproach each other. For example, they begin to reproach their partner with the fact that because of their marriage, relationship, etc. they could not start their own business, find a dream job, dropped out of school for some family reasons, or moved to another country, leaving their former life, etc.
Such relationships are usually destructive and do not bring moral satisfaction to either partner. To prevent this from happening, it is important to remember that in a relationship you do not need to forget about yourself, about your own needs and goals.
When a person is busy with what he loves, it brings him moral pleasure in life, increases his self-significance, helps to distract himself from pressing problems. Parting is no exception.
As already mentioned, parting with a loved one awakens all negative emotions in a person. Some even have a reluctance to live on. In this case, interesting activities are an effective medicine.
For example, sports. Scientists have proved that when playing sports, a person will lose the feeling of apathy, depression, motivation, a desire to create and live a full life. In addition, sport contributes to an increase in the level of physical well-being of the body as well as mental health.
In conclusion, it is important to note: parting with a person does not mean something bad. Very often you need to let go of your past, close one door, so that many others will open.
Why do marriages fail and how to prevent this?
According to statistics, 50% of marriages break up. Of course, the reasons for this phenomenon are very diverse, but some regularity can still be distinguished. Although the reasons for the collapse can be characterized in some way, there is still no one universal way to resolve this situation, each case should be considered separately. But at the same time, there are things that are worth thinking about in advance, and, perhaps, in the future they will help prevent a similar situation.
The husband started a relationship on the side and left the family
The question arises as to what to do about it. First, if you look at the root of the situation, one conclusion suggests itself: do not rush. You should not rush to the first comer and think that you will spend your whole life with him. You need to adequately look at things and understand that relationships, and even more so marriage, is hard work that both parties must do, and sometimes, not only falling in love, but also real love is not enough if the partners are not ready to work on this branch of their life.
But this problem would not exist if everything stopped at this stage. Therefore, it is worth considering the case when two people are already married and understand that something is wrong. That feelings have cooled down, perhaps they began to spend less time together. At this point, it is worth, firstly, to look into yourself and understand what these relationships are. You should also talk to your partner. If both partners understand that nothing will come of it, then this is far from a bad situation, because both will not have to waste any more time, and they will have the opportunity to build their lives further. If stopping everything is not an option, then you need to come to grips with working on it.
The husband lost interest in his wife and left
Many marriages break up due to the birth of a child. For some people, the psyche simply cannot stand it and, first of all, they cannot cope with their problems, which can be blamed on the partner, who, in their opinion, does not pay enough attention to them. With the advent of a child, some men may lose interest in a woman who has gone headlong into caring for a child, forgot about caring for herself, well, what can we say about attention to her husband. In this case, a woman needs to understand that the child is not the center of her universe if she has a desire to keep a complete family. The child will be much better off if the parents have a good relationship. Also, a woman should teach a man to spend time with a child in order to bring them closer.
But you should never stay together just because of the child. If a couple has good reason to believe that nothing else holds them in marriage, except for a child, then it would be better to separate. The presence of constant strife in the family will affect the child's mental health to a much worse extent than living with only one parent.
Husband left because of family life
If the partner recognizes the other partner's boredom as a problem, you should find out if there is still love in this relationship. If not, you should not continue to torment each other, if all the same, then a good family psychologist is able to correct the situation.
Husband quit due to wife abuse
This is the only reason you shouldn't hesitate. If manifestations of physical or psychological violence in a relationship become frequent or even cross the line, it is in most cases useless to work on the relationship, you need to seek a divorce before the situation worsens.
There are no general rules for solving all the problems of human life. Each situation requires a detailed approach and the ability to objectively analyze it. Therefore, even relying on existing experience and some classifications of situations and possible options for their resolution, you should always keep your eyes open.
Viktorija.
Good day! My name is Victoria, I am 38 years old, my husband is 36. We have been living together for 11 years, in an official marriage - 5. We have no common children. Both he and I have children from their first marriage. My daughter lived with us. She is now 16.
In October, the husband met a girl (she was 20 years old), they began a romantic relationship. I found out about this a little later. I tried to influence somehow, there were also conversations and visits to a psychologist, sometimes I was thrown into scandals. He promised to finish everything, and then it turned out that he was continuing to meet with her. He said that he understood that these feelings were destroying his life, but he could not stop anything, he was drawn to her. A couple of months ago, the attitude towards me changed dramatically, became aggressive, constantly tried to leave, even collected things. Then he put an ultimatum that he would live with me, but leave when he wanted. I immediately agreed, then I could not resist, quarrels began again. I decided that if we go to his parents for a week, it will somehow help. And we will spend time together, and will not be able to go to another. At first it was very difficult, he had a withdrawal, he just lay and looked at the ceiling, looked for an opportunity to call her, after three or four days he began to change, there was tenderness for me, they began to spend more time together. At the end of the week, I had to go home (work, daughter), and he decided to stay for another week. A couple of days later he called and said that he didn’t want to see me again, that he would stay with his parents in the village. Parents tried to persuade him for a long time. For him, his parents have always been a great authority.
He's been there for a month now. During this time, he exhausted me completely. That calls, that he loves, misses and waits for me. That says that everything is over forever. Then he offers to communicate as friends. Now he said that we are a family, regardless of who will live where. On the weekend I went to him, I asked for it myself, at first he was against it. Then he set a condition - no talks, clarifications and promises. We spent two days together. He said that he was bored, did not let go of himself, and for 5 minutes, gentle, caring. He invites me to move in with his parents. I think he knows that I cannot live there. He never finished his relationship with another girl, he continues to communicate on Skype.
I love him, or maybe it's addiction. I myself do not understand. I only know that I am ready to forgive him everything in the world, for several weeks now I have been walking like a robot, doing the most necessary things. There is no desire to live. I cry constantly at home. I can’t eat or sleep. All the time I think that he is not around, that the apartment is empty, it seems that I am flawed and inferior, since I am left alone. With my head, I understand that this relationship will not bring me anything good, that it may not be love, but addiction. But I cannot refuse it.
From the very beginning of our relationship, the husband, in any quarrel, frightened that he would leave. It affected me instantly. This was my biggest fear in life. It just started to panic.
I must also say that there were betrayals before, I know about one for sure, about some I can only guess. But before he did not fall in love and everything ended by itself. I was angry, offended, but I realized that I could not leave on my own.
Now I want to get rid of addiction, find peace for myself, come to terms with the fact that I am no longer loved and I am not needed. I want to understand how you can continue to live and why. I cannot cope with the state in which I am on my own.
Viktorija.
Hello Igor. It seems to me more like a son. I've always been older. He says that he will always be 16. And I lacked responsibility in him.
Viktorija.
He is kind, gentle, caring. I'm interested in him. I no longer have a person with whom I can be myself. There is also a fear of being alone.
Viktorija.
It seems to me that this is an addiction. I am terrified of losing him. There is no doing, nothing to do. I do not know how to live only for myself. My daughter is 16 years old. She communicates little with me and spends little time at home.
I am horrified by the thought that I have to come to an empty apartment, go to bed alone. I don't want to wake up in the morning. I'm trying to find something that will bring joy, pleasure. But as soon as I think about it, I start to feel guilty. For the fact that I can rejoice without him.
Viktorija.
It’s not that someone said that it’s impossible for yourself. I don't want to do anything to milk myself. And I understand that I will survive. Just live and survive are two different things. I'm surviving now. I don’t want to live.
Viktorija.
Since childhood, I have been convinced that a single woman is not complete, unhappy, etc. I want to learn to think differently. Now everything prompts only bad thoughts. And all the time I find myself making plans to get my husband back.
I've read everything here about how to overcome addiction. Could it arise from a lack of love in childhood from the mother?
I will never forget this day. It was March 7, I was returning from a business trip by bus, a song was playing on the radio with stupid words: “I drew you, I drew you, only I never knew your love ...” and something else about the girl of my dreams. I was completely calm and happy, looking forward to the upcoming holiday. On the way home, I went to get a present from my mother-in-law and, happy with the purchases, returned home.
And at home there was a note on the table. Just a few phrases - my husband briefly reported that he no longer loves me, he was leaving, and in general he was no longer my husband. And that's all ...
My life, like a puzzle, collapsed into small, small pieces. I remember standing by the table, reading a note and physically feeling that my life was crumbling like a house of cards. There was a strange ambivalent sensation - on the one hand, I felt like in a dream, I didn’t believe that it could actually be, on the other hand, for some reason, for some reason, somewhere in my soul, a deep confidence arose that all this for real and Kostya is no longer in my life.
All evening I sat on the sofa, staring blankly at one point. I just didn't know how to live on. I didn't know how to get through the night, how to get through the next day. It was a stupor. And the next day I met my husband and saw that it was really not my husband anymore - instead of a gentle, caring, loving Kostya, there was a stone idol in his place, which spoke to me through clenched teeth, said that 5 years of our life had been a deception, he didn’t love me at all, but now he’s starting a new happy life with his beloved woman ...
And then came the pain. To say that I was in pain is to say nothing. I had never thought before that mental pain can be felt as physical - somewhere in the chest, constantly gnawing pain. Either sharp, now dull, but pulling out all the veins. And this feeling of hopelessness, when you understand that everything is over forever - there will be no more good in your life - no love, no happiness, no meaning.
Also, a feeling of inferiority and humiliation came into my life when my ex-husband, at random meetings, told how good he was with his new woman - she has a better refrigerator and rich borscht, and she takes off her earrings before having sex, but I didn’t take off ...
And misunderstanding: “Why? for what? How can a person so close to you become such a stranger in a day? " And anger at him and his passion. And pitying glances at the "abandoned" one ... And confusion when the ex-husband secretly stole the TV from the apartment ...
And if to add to this, after my husband left, I was left alone in a large apartment with just begun repairs, with raised floors and destroyed walls, rats periodically ran out from under the uncovered floor, there was no money for repairs, and I didn’t know how earlier to solve some serious issues, the husband was engaged in it. And that before I lived like a princess - my husband elevated me to the throne, adored, pampered, gave gifts, carried in his arms, wrote poetry. And after he left the throne, I fell right into the dust - and I felt like dust from the feet of my departed husband. I couldn’t do anything, I couldn’t do anything without him. I was nothing.
I lost up to 40 kg and looked like a prisoner of Auschwitz. I cried constantly, I did not sleep for days. I, of course, tried to return him, as many do - I spoke to him, tried to convince him with reasonable arguments, asked him, humiliated myself, cried ... But the more I humiliated myself, the worse it became - he finally stopped seeing me as a princess, but I saw only an unhappy, half-mad woman who cannot live without him. They certainly do not return to such.
True, I quickly changed my mind - it took me two months to understand that if I continued in this spirit, then I would either commit suicide or become a permanent patient of a psychiatric clinic. I didn't like either one or the other.
I physically felt like I was drowning in this swamp. And I realized that I had to pull myself out of this swamp of pain with my own hands. And she began to act. I forbade myself to see my departed husband, I deliberately did not learn anything about him, although I really wanted to. Every day I resolutely killed in myself the hope of his return, repeating to myself over and over again that this stage of life was over, and Kostya was no longer in my life.
At the same time, every time I felt really bad, I told myself that I would survive, get out of this hole and be happy, I will definitely be. At first I didn't believe in it and repeated this phrase just like that, but gradually I realized that it was true - I would really survive and be happy. I began to take care of myself - I forced myself to get enough sleep, walk, eat, every day I painted and did my hair, went to visit, to the theater, signed up for the library. I did not want to do this - it all seemed that there was no need, but with titanic efforts I forced myself to do it.
When it was really bad, I went to run or play badminton, danced to cheerful music. And I, of course, sobbed - but not pity and quietly, like a victim, I endured all day, and then coming home, I turned on lyrical love songs and howled under them and screamed and wail like a mourner at a funeral. I chased my grief out of myself with screams and howls.
And I also did repairs in the apartment. And drove out the rats. And I learned to solve a huge number of issues that I was afraid to approach before. I had no choice - and I was afraid, but I did. I had no idea what I could, but I did. Through "I can not", through "I do not want." And gradually everything began to work out. I repaired the apartment, learned to drive, and made progress at work. And most importantly, I gained confidence in myself, the understanding that I can survive alone, the departure of my husband is not a ruin of life. What is interesting in one of the conversations with my husband, when I persistently tried to convince him to return and asked: “You left. What will remain with me? ", He answered me:" You remain with you. " Then I thought that I didn’t need myself if he wasn’t in my life. And then I realized - he was very right - because of his departure I found myself, I became necessary to myself. And this is very important.
And happiness in my personal life, it came: a year later I met a man whom I married and from whom I gave birth to two wonderful children. So everything turned out for the better - if my husband did not act as he did, would I find myself and my real man?
And my husband is a traitor, he did not get happiness on my tears. With that "real love" he parted ways after a year and a half, was treated in a neurosis clinic. In general, not a very happy ending ...
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