Probably every woman dreams of being a “magnet for men.” But often we become “a magnet for the wrong men,” and then gigolos, tyrants, alcoholics and other men are attracted, next to whom it is impossible to feel happy. In such situations, a feeling of obsessive repetition arises. Partners change, but the situation in the relationship remains. Sometimes it even seems that all this is one man, only under different names. It is also interesting that with each new attempt the situation seems to intensify. For example, if the first man was simply rude, then the next one may turn out to be a real domestic tyrant; if one left the relationship for work, another for entertainment, and the third for alcohol. In this case, the woman begins to feel that there are no other men... No, wait a minute, relationships with other women are different. This means that there is something that makes the “wrong” men attracted to this particular woman.
There may be several reasons for this combination of circumstances:
- Negative attitudes, low self-esteem. We often believe in “social horror stories” that there are few men, there are no princes left, and they are all the same. If this attitude is complemented by self-doubt, doubts about one’s own worth and other signs of low self-esteem, then often a woman simply refuses to choose and agrees to a relationship with anyone. In such a situation, we do not look closely at the man passing by. And what’s the point if we believe that there is no one to choose from...
- Incorrect self-presentation when meeting. I think many people know that a lot depends on the first impression. If, upon meeting a woman, she is perceived as strong, independent, self-sufficient, then there is a high probability that she will be interested in an irresponsible and infantile man. That is, someone who will ideally complement her, who is interested in women who don’t need to be taken care of, for whom you don’t need to try hard - and this is exactly what you said about yourself. If you communicate about yourself that you are ready to do anything for your partner, that you are afraid to be left alone, those prone to manipulation and psychological violence will most likely react. That is, those who strive for power over their partner. In this case, it is very important to study male psychology and how men perceive women.
- Specific behavior patterns. Experts who work with addictions say: "Being an alcoholic's wife is a profession." Indeed, for some women, even the most (seemingly) normal man can turn into a very, very depressing sight over time. And here the question is no longer so much how this woman chooses men, but how she behaves with them. Such a destructive model of behavior is, for example, rescue. It manifests itself in the desire to take care of a man, actively help, and solve his problems. It is in these ways that we “grow” irresponsibility in him, because in such a situation the partner’s immaturity is almost encouraged. They scold him verbally, but at the level of actions the woman takes upon herself the difficulties that arise. So why should he bother if a woman can do and decide everything on her own?
- Life scenario. Men come and go, but what remains is some important task for which he appeared in your life. Every man teaches us something. For example, if you are a victim, then tyrants on your life path may meet precisely so that you learn to defend your interests. If in your life you have had to fight a lot and defend yourself, if you defend yourself, you will meet someone who will attack. Maybe he will “break” in order to give you the opportunity to stop fighting and simply believe that there is someone who can protect... Life is generous, and it will certainly give us, time after time, a chance to solve the problem and draw the right conclusions from our experience. That's why she constantly suggests people who can help with this. True, we are often so offended and bitter that we do not see the purpose for which all this happens to us. And then we drown in resentment and anger...
Moreover, this choice of the “wrong” man in a woman’s life can be repeated from time to time. As soon as she finds the strength to break off the hopeless, difficult relationship, another contender appears on the horizon, which, upon closer examination, turns out to be similar to the previous one. Even if the first time was an accident, the subsequent ones are already a pattern. And it must be overcome - for the sake of your own happiness. First, try to analyze what your actions, fears or internal settings attract the “wrong” men to you.
"I'm not worthy of him"
The fear of being rejected can come from childhood. Quite often, mothers, trying to raise their daughters strictly, tell them “you’re not beautiful enough, you’re not very smart, you’re not very interesting.” And these “you’re not good, you’re not enough” reinforces in the girl’s subconscious the belief that she is unworthy of the best, that boys/men are not for her.
Even if an attractive man pays attention to such a girl, she begins to unconsciously give him signs of cooling the relationship, finds in him and herself non-existent and, as a result, either pushes him away and remains alone, or quickly finds a replacement for him - a complete antipode, which may seem harmless to her. And he begins to suffer from this relationship, since the object was chosen not at the behest of the heart, but out of forced dependence on fear.
Look for positive qualities in yourself, appreciate your strengths, and remember that you are worthy of the love of the best man in the world.
“If you stay too long as a girl, no one will marry you”
Another children's stereotype. This suggestion, which zealous mothers make to their daughters, often ruins their lives. The girl involuntarily tries not to “stay too long” and instead of calmly building her life, she tries to find herself a husband as quickly as possible. This can lead to two undesirable consequences. First: being too persistent scares off men, especially at the beginning of a relationship. Second: the girl agrees to the first offer, without really thinking about what feelings she has for the person and what he is like. As a result, after a while, life begins to disappoint and bring only dissatisfaction.
Do not be influenced by other people, even if they are your loved ones. You have your own life - they have theirs. Live your life as you see fit.
Low self-esteem, fear of being alone
Another fear. Lack of love and self-respect forces girls to agree to the first offer. But, unfortunately, insufficient respect for oneself gives rise to disrespect in the partner. Girls who have a very developed fear of loneliness will try to do everything in their power for their chosen one. At the same time, they will tolerate his disrespectful attitude, rudeness, betrayal - and try to justify him. The partner will clearly feel that the girl will endure everything in order not to be left alone - and she will shamelessly take advantage of this.
Until you change your attitude towards yourself, until you learn to love and respect yourself, the attitude of others towards you will not change either. Remember that you deserve the best and a decent, interesting man will definitely meet you on your life’s path.
Get out of the vicious circle
If you notice that you have no luck with men, try to analyze the situation and understand why this is happening. Ask yourself a few questions: “What do I want from life?”, “What kind of man do I want to meet?”, “Do I want a family or am I self-sufficient?”, “What is happiness for me?” Ask yourself all the questions that are important to you and that worry you - and answer them honestly.
If you are still inclined not to “single voyage”, but to family life, try to create in every detail a portrait of the ideal man for you, whom you would like to see next to you as your husband and have children from him.
Do this in as much detail as possible, down to eye color, height, occupation, education, habits, behavior, character traits and other characteristics. This will help you better understand what type of men you like.
And be sure to learn to love, respect and appreciate yourself. At first it may be difficult and unusual, but it must be done. A happy, interesting, confident woman will attract an equally interesting, worthy man into her life. It simply cannot be otherwise.
M young, beautiful, smart - but unlucky in her personal life. Involuntarily, you can begin to believe in the evil eye, the crown of celibacy and karma at the same time, blaming anyone for what is happening, but not yourself.Woman.ru will tell you where the real reasons are hidden that we choose unsuitable men.
More often than not, girls resign themselves to their fate, believing that “it’s written in their destiny”
At first glance, girls who are successful and positive in all respects meet losers, alcoholics, womanizers, and married people. The saddest thing is that this usually happens more than once, bringing to mind thoughts of the evil eye and the crown of celibacy.” Believing that “it’s written in our family,” we try to fight this scourge with the help of “healers,” “hereditary witches,” or we resign ourselves to our fate, thinking: “Not everyone can be happy.” What happened once could be an accident. Repeating this event again is already a reason to think. Well, a similar scenario observed in several cases is the system. And you need to look for the reason in yourself. This means that there is a certain pattern in our behavior and we are doing something wrong. Often (however, not always) the origins of this phenomenon come from childhood: unresolved fears, unprocessed psychological traumas and complexes. As a rule, such reasons are not recognized, so they are difficult to track. But as soon as awareness occurs, you can begin to work with the problem. There are not many common fears, but they can ruin the life of any smart and beautiful woman:
1Fear of Rejection
Often it arises as a result of previously experienced negative experiences. That sad story is long in the past, but relationships with young people do not develop beyond the “friendly” stage, or each new partner turns out to be not good in some way. The desire to have a family is held back by subconscious fear: “I could be abandoned at any moment.” And in order not to relive the same pain again, you need to make sure that a possible breakup does not become a significant event. Therefore, you need to either not get too close, or take the initiative to break up before your partner does. Accordingly, the girl simply does not bring the relationship to the stage of intimacy and trust - the so-called desire for a “safe” relationship. She, without realizing it, maintains purely friendly communication, gives signals that “cool off” her partner, or finds more and more shortcomings in each suitor.
2Low self-esteem, lack of self-confidence, fear of loneliness
Such girls, as a rule, do not know how to love, respect and value themselves. This gives rise to the belief that they are unworthy of love. Rejoicing that at least someone paid attention to them, girls often sacrifice their interests, needs, and do everything to please. They rush at the first call to fulfill any desires of their partner, trying to please him, turn a blind eye to betrayal, and even endure beatings. At the same time, the girl seems to “dissolve” in the young man, showing him that such an attitude is acceptable for her, that she is ready for anything so as not to be abandoned. But people who do not know how to love, appreciate and respect themselves, as a rule, are treated the same way by those around them. And until the attitude towards oneself changes, similar scenarios may repeat again.
3Attitudes, stereotypes and patterns learned from childhood, as well as one’s own complexes
“A woman should be married”, “If you remain a girl, no one will need you” - such attitudes cause a desire to get married as soon as possible. This obsessive desire often manifests itself in behavior and scares men away, especially in the early stages of a relationship. Trying to find a husband at all costs, the girl, without thinking too much, accepts the courtship of the man who paid attention to her, and not the one whom she wants to see next to her in life. Due to the fact that the choice was not balanced and thoughtful, after a while there may be a feeling of dissatisfaction, irritation, and the feeling that there is “the wrong person” nearby. As a result, disappointment will arise.
If a woman does not love and value herself, others treat her accordingly
If you recognize yourself and your fears in our descriptions, take the next step: figure it out with yourself. It’s great if you can involve a psychologist in the debriefing.
Ask yourself "What do I want"
Try asking yourself a series of questions: “What do I expect from a relationship with a man? What do I want to receive? What are you ready to give? How do I see our interaction ideally? What can I put up with painlessly?? What will I not give up under any circumstances?
Draw a portrait of your lover for yourself. Imagine that you are filling out a form. Start with external characteristics - height, age, eye color, hair. Indicate education, place of residence, social status, occupation, habits, hobbies. Then move on to character traits, attitudes towards the world, other people, a loved one, children. It is better to describe this in detail on paper - this way the image will become more defined. A specific idea of a partner gives us a clear portrait of what we want, and also allows us to touch the fears and complexes hidden in the subconscious.
Analyze and compare repeated cases
The help of a professional psychologist would be useful here, but you can try to figure it out on your own. Try to answer the following questions as sincerely as possible, while maintaining objectivity: How did the relationship begin (who initiated the acquaintance, your reaction, your feelings at the same time)? How were the first meetings? What did you like and what didn’t you like during this period? What conflicts arose and when? What are their reasons? What was your reaction (words, actions, adequacy of assessments), how did your partner behave? At the same time, it is worth listening to your inner voice, your own intuition, and tracking the emotions and feelings that arise. They will tell you in which direction to “dig”.
To change your behavior, your life strategy, you need to work on yourself. Learn to respect and love yourself, accept yourself as you are. Find your advantages and strengths, appreciate your “pluses” and strengths. Strive for personal growth. Often we do not know how to communicate effectively, resolve conflicts constructively, and do not respect the necessary boundaries of psychological space. It’s worth working in this direction so as not to “step on the same rake” in the future. Reading popular psychological literature, various trainings, and consulting a psychologist will help here.
A woman's biggest fear is the fear of being unloved and lonely. Also, from the covers of magazines and from the screen of your phone, a granny in cats looks at you, and the caption reads: “Proud and independent.” And a chill runs down my spine: is this really my life? What if I end up like this on the outskirts of the city in a small apartment with a small cat shelter. We urgently find our other half, post a hundred photos of ourselves happy with bouquets and a heartbeat under our arms, jump from one relationship to another, fearing loneliness like the plague. However, any phenomenon has its own reasons, and what exactly they are, the founder of the women’s club “Harmony in High Heels” Ekaterina Kononova told us.
Photo by Getty Images
Public condemnation, or “What will people say?”
Especially effective in small towns. But I must admit, even among Moscow business women there is often a stereotype: if you haven’t met the right person before the age of 30, then don’t count on much luck after that. Build a career and live for yourself, the one you love. And these heavy glances from friends who ask the same question: “Well, have you met anyone?” Remember one simple rule: you live only one life and only for yourself, therefore it is up to you to choose conscious loneliness or a love relationship.
Past relationships, or “How young we were”
Remembering their hot romances during their 20s, many women sigh languidly and agree that this will never happen again. After all, love is only once. Then I have a counter question: aren’t you confusing your one and only love for life with a banal riot of hormones at a young age?
Marry at any cost
Sometimes we reach that boiling point when the happiness of an independent and free life becomes a heavy burden. We remember how we dreamed about the white dress and the first dance of the newlyweds, and a veil comes over our eyes: it doesn’t matter who, but get married. Unfortunately, marriage does not solve problems, but, on the contrary, aggravates them even more. Therefore, this decision must be made as consciously as possible. Think about it, would you have lived with this person if the wedding celebration, white dress and rings had not happened?
Photo by Getty Images
Depression, or “It won’t get better anyway”
This is a serious diagnosis, and it must be treated. A woman in a state of acute depression is a tasty bait for a gigolo or narcissist. In such a mental state, you are very easy to control. And the partner can start using this. Run, and not just anywhere, but to a psychotherapist who will cure you and put you on the right path. The consequences of such disorders are physical illness and loss of taste for life.
An advantageous match, or “Underprince”
All your friends and even your mother are delighted with your partner. He is smart, and rich, and loves your dog, and is ready to do anything for you. And the whole world sings the praises of your soulmate, but you alone look at this person and don’t understand what else you need. The point is that this person is truly wonderful, but just not yours. You don't have to be perfect to be loved. We choose with our soul, not our head.
Now is not the time, or “We’ll live until Monday”
You have a joint loan for a new car, and tomorrow is his sister’s wedding, and then his second cousin’s anniversary, and then, as luck would have it, he got teeth. And somehow everything is at the wrong time. After all, a breakup is serious, it’s a tragedy! It is necessary to properly prepare for universal suffering. I'll tell you one thing: there will never be a right time to break up with someone you don't love and meet your true love. This time is now!
Photo by Getty Images
Waiting for old age, or “Who will give me a glass of water?”
A very common fear that gives rise to unnecessary alliances with people you don’t love. Believe me, at the end of life we are one way or another left alone with ourselves, any psychologist or philosopher will tell you this. The ill-fated glass of water will definitely be served to you, don’t even doubt it. It’s more important to think about what you will remember about your life - how did you live with an unloved person?
Fatigue, or “And so it will do”
At a certain stage of life, we are faced with wild fatigue from the very fact of searching and trying to cobble together something from our personal life. All this seems like some kind of cheap farce, but how much effort and energy wasted. I will say this: these are very correct feelings. Stop in your search and switch your focus to yourself: just enjoy what you have in your life: your favorite job, friends, dog, books. Believe me, a self-sufficient and happy woman attracts to herself no worse than a magnet.
There is no time, or “If you endure it, you will fall in love”
You are a successful businesswoman, and every minute has great financial weight for you. You have absolutely no time for dates, languid conversations under the moon and all this nonsense. By the way, it’s time for you to expand and open three new offices. Then maybe you should enjoy your professional success and put aside your personal life, directing all your energy into a business that you love, and not into a boring and unpromising relationship for you.
There is such a concept - conscious loneliness. This is the moment when you don't need any emotional crutch to feel happy. You are happy simply from the very fact of your life and what happens in it. It is on this soil that the strongest beginnings of a future family are born: special people come into life, you become wiser, and that very moment of conscious choice in favor of living together happens. I sincerely wish you all only such scenarios!
Quite often I hear from women how they complain that they deserve better. Yes, men can be lazy, inattentive and periodically look to the left, and it’s good if they only look. So who is to blame for this?
My answer will be very disappointing: in most cases, we ourselves are to blame for such a choice. And before leaving one and looking for the same another, let's look at the reasons for our choice. Let's remember our thoughts, mood, circumstances when we met THIS man who ended up... For example, one of my friends wants to divorce her husband, although she has two beautiful children. She often and rightly accuses her husband of “sitting on her neck” and being carried away by other women. So I asked her what was the main goal when she married him? I was very surprised by what I heard in response: “I wanted to leave my mother, because it was difficult for me to live with her.” From one situation, “difficult,” she found herself in another situation, “unbearably difficult.”
Therefore, rule number one. You need to choose a man based on love, and not based on your ability to solve your problems: family, material, career.
Let's look at another example of a man making the wrong choice. Another friend of mine, a beautiful model girl, was married for love to a wealthy, charming womanizer. He weighed about a hundred kilograms, was far from handsome and had many mistresses. Moreover, not on the side, but in front of his young 18-year-old wife. With great difficulty she left him, but she left with the conviction that all rich men cheat. And what do you think? Since the divorce, she has had several men, all of them exceptional “womanizers.” Why is this happening? With her thoughts and attitudes, this girl subconsciously attracts just such men. And having started dating, she waits for him to go “left” in order to once again confirm his theory. Does this make her happy? Of course not. Remember that thought is material, observe for a week what you think about men. And if you often repeat that “there are no normal men left, and there are only gigolos and alcoholics around,” then you will really attract just such men.
Lesson number two: think well of men, celebrate their strengths, enjoy their company.
And now the third and most important lesson. How to understand from the first meeting whether this is your man or not? Choose it according to your liking. Like this? Close your eyes, feel his presence, his energy, his essence. What comes from this person: warmth or cold? And if your heart is calm and joyful, then this is your man and you will feel good with him, but if you are anxious and cold, then this is not the one you are looking for. If this exercise seems difficult to you and your intuition is not sufficiently developed, then observe what happens in your life with the arrival of this person. Are you lucky or not? Do you find or lose? Carefully observe the events in your life - and the answer will be obvious.
Life is always wiser than us, give it a chance to make you happy.
