She looked at me like a frightened animal - from under her brows. She had a toothache. The doctor repaired something there, but unsuccessfully. And she was ashamed to tell him. Or just scared of him. Silly girl. Who's afraid of dentists? Our accountant Varya did not expect anything from anyone and clearly intended to endure the pain further. But I needed her alive, and I got some analgin for her.
Varina's eyes widened. She was not used to complaining: not to me, not to the dentist. And Varya had not counted on someone else's help for a long time. I got used to it somehow. All by herself, yes by herself. And my mother always told her: "You are already big, come on yourself"... Mom was busy. Business mom. And Varya quickly learned how to cook dinner for herself, do her homework, wash her clothes. Then - the institute, work, dentist and a bad tooth.
I caused her to crash. She didn't even say "thank you". I just fell into a stupor with a pill in my hand. Well, okay. Though he will not suffer. And tomorrow he will go again and try to heal his tooth. If, of course, you have the courage to answer the doctor's question "Does it hurt?" positively.
***
A few days later I met Varya in the corridor. She shyly and guiltily smiled at me.
- Thanks.
For help ... For a pill. I didn't even thank. Thank you very much!
Please!
For some reason, it seemed that if I answered "not for anything," she would begin to convince me otherwise, and I would waste a lot of time. It was obvious that she wanted to say something else, but hesitated. Remembering that we are responsible for those whom we have tamed, I am neatly interested in:
- Everything is fine? Does your tooth hurt?
She suddenly flushed like a girl and mumbled:
- Yes ... That is - no! Does not hurt...
A cat's curiosity awakens in me: in three years of joint work, I have never seen Varya in such confusion. Something new.
- Come at the end of the day. Let's talk.
She nods obediently and, looking down, returns to her invoices, calculators, and quarterly reports.
***
Varina's story turned out to be not what it had expected. It wasn't even Varina's story. And the story of Variny's tooth.
The day after the story with the pill, Varya had to go to the doctor again. Something there needed to be healed. And the doctor turned out to be wonderful. Slender, handsome - just some kind of Apollo, not a doctor. I don’t know how Varya was hit. Maybe that's enough. But not at once. Right away, she had too much toothache, tears flowed from her eyes, and she just wanted everything to stop as soon as possible.
After an anesthetic injection, Varya woke up and saw a miracle in front of her. The miracle called her "bunny" and "honey". Varya was thrilled and shy. And the more kindly Apollo asked her to be patient, the more she fell into nirvana. It’s as if you were about to die, and an angel appeared to you and said that you will live forever.
The doctor asked carefully all the time: “Does it hurt like that? And so? "... And Varya was lying on an armchair with her mouth wide open, which was already beginning to convulse, and only moaned negatively. Apollo should be happy! How can you upset Apollo? Varin's chest was bursting with admiration: he is so kind, so handsome, so busy! While she was at the reception, she went out twice - probably to look at other patients. Here's how much in demand!
As a result, she left the doctor with a confused soul and a frozen jaw, which after a couple of hours at work just began to whine unbearably. Then I turned up with my pill.
The treatment was not completed. The next day, she went to her Apollo - tormented by a pain in the tooth and vague hopes in her heart. After all, no one had ever called Varya a "bunny", and this made my heart ache so sweetly. But my heart was out of luck. Apollo fell ill. The clinic did not have time to cancel the appointment, Varya was registered first, and she was referred to another doctor - a woman.
A sudden disappointment washed over my soul. An hour of procedures passed along the edge of consciousness. She paid and wandered off to work. Even the fact that the cursed tooth finally stopped hurting could not comfort her. Something more than physical pain tormented Varya.
The day passed in a fog. In the evening, I wanted only one thing: home, to my family's safe walls, to my favorite cup with cats, a book I started and a cozy old bed with a quilted bedspread! And then Varya groaned ... How could she forget! It is today that a grumpy cousin is waiting for her, to whom, if you do not go, she will arrange such a scandal that her teeth will hurt. Everything at once. Moreover, Varya promised. It is inconvenient not to come. And the products of that need to be bought. We'll have to go. Varya sighed, doomed.
My aunt lived nearby - in another area. But it was inconvenient to go home from work, it was winter, and while Varya got to the store next to her aunt's house, it became dark. The store shone with showcases and bright packaging. Taking the cart, Varya walked slowly through the rows, trying to figure out if she had taken everything. It turned out that everything. It's time to go to the cash desks - to pay off, to the aunt and to the salutary comfort of the house!
Having turned into the finish line, Varya stopped abruptly. If she hadn't, she would have driven into a beauty in a flowing fur coat. The beauty chose ice cream, vividly discussing her choice ... oh, God, with Apollo!
Through the haze of excitement, Varya was surprised: the doctor did not look like a patient at all. Unless he has some fashion disease. Well, the blues are there, the melancholy. No, though. For a moping one, he has a too white-toothed smile and a wet glittering look. And the beauty did not look like a local therapist. At this thought, Varechka felt a prick. Better pain reliever. But this injection also had the most beneficial effect on her: she quietly drove back with the trolley, turned into another aisle and quickly walked to the checkout. Get out of here!
***
Varya was shaking in the subway car and thinking. Apollo didn't even recognize her! But he had only seen her yesterday and affectionately called her "a little". There was a lump in my throat. A vague shame burned through my soul. The heaviness inside tossed and turned and looked for a way out in tears. A little more and she is at home: safe, without worries and worries. And if something gets sick and a doctor is needed, then only a woman. Having made a decision, Varya calmed down and with a sigh of relief and an enlightened face, leaned back in the seat.
Fall in love with a doctor. System comment
The story that happened to the heroine is typical. Yes Yes! We fall in love with our doctors: so attentive, kind, so caring and reliable: anal - professional, visual - kind and skin - ambitious. But after all, neither the heroine herself nor her friend could say what happened to Varya - why such a storm of feelings in relation to a stranger?System-vector psychology of Yuri Burlan answers the questions: what happened to Varya? Did she really fall in love with the doctor? Why did this happen? And what will happen next? Would Varya want to go to the doctor again, check her feelings, perhaps, hoping that he is not indifferent to her?
Vary's visual vector demanded emotions and impressions. And the anal vector felt respect for the profession of a doctor and gratitude for getting rid of pain. But at the same time, the visual vector - impressionable and romantic - formed fantasies in the girl's head that had no real basis.
And what about the doctor? And the doctor, an anal-skin-visual specialist, may have been inspired by his new romance. Visually in love with his girlfriend, skin-like striving to conquer a beautiful woman, he even sacrificed his work for a while, saying that he was sick.
Visual girls are dreamy young ladies at any age. And when there is a little lack of emotions, they get them, falling in love and fantasizing about their love. And the trust that is assumed in the relationship between the doctor and the patient, very often makes our doctors the object of these feelings.
How do you know that this love is fantasized or one from which a great great feeling can grow? This question is answered by the training on system-vector psychology by Yuri Burlan, where you need to pay special attention to lectures on the visual vector.
If you want to know more, sign up for the free introductory online classes in System Vector Psychology by Yuri Burlan.
The article was written using materials
This question was answered very extensively in his books by a psychologist with many years of experience, Andrei Zberovsky. And we will try to build our answer based on his experience.
The practice has more than ten main scenarios for the development of events. They depend on a certain type of partner behavior that developed before the husband caught his wife in adultery and after. Here, many people have a question: what about children, are they taken into account? Children, of course, are taken into account and for the majority they are in the first place when making a decision. But the trouble is that if the marriage is maintained solely for this reason, then it falls apart within five years.
No matter how the husband promises himself that he will endure betrayal for the sake of his children, such a model does not work in the end. After all, human psychology is dynamic, it changes in accordance with external, as well as with personal internal circumstances. That is, the decision made in six months may seem like sheer nonsense.
What if there is a child?
If a wife cheated on her husband, the decision to divorce or keep the family should depend not only on the interests of the children. First of all, you need to take into account the desire and ability of partners to live together. When deciding what to do, remember that relationships were the basis for marriage. Children do not appear without this. In the same way, they do not receive the right upbringing if mom and dad behave in the wrong way. Psychologists have noticed that being apart, but maintaining positive communication, parents give their child more benefits in personal development than living under one roof in complete negativity.
Keeping a marriage for this reason, you run the risk of facing such destructive factors:
- Not having time to reach the repentance of the spouse, she can confuse the generosity of her husband with weak character and throw herself back into the arms of her lover. As a result, the victim will not stand it and will still submit an application.
- It happens that a wife falls in love with another and becomes pregnant from him. Even a strong-minded person cannot be around for a long time under such conditions.
- In a family that has been reconciled formally, but not spiritually, new joint children will not be desired, because an accidental pregnancy can end in abortion. This is unbearable for the spouse's psyche.
- The boy / girl himself, seeing the situation, can take the side of the dad, which motivates him to divorce and take the child with him.
- If the boy / girl is a teenager, they are able to either feel sorry for the cuckold dad, or perceive his decision to forgive mom as weakness. Both the one and the other case will cause a violent reaction or filing an application.
- Acquaintances, friends, as well as parents can criticize and provoke from everywhere, they say, if your spouse cheated on you and after that you live with her, you are a mattress. With this alignment, the family rarely lasts for more than two years.
- Financial situation can also become the reason. For example, if it worsened in the male half and improved in the passion, she, confident in her future, will leave on her own. Or vice versa - when he realizes that he is able to provide for his family and himself separately, he leaves himself.
- If, after betrayal of his wife, the strong half falls into alcohol or drugs, the case ends with reproaches, provocations and scandals. Life becomes unbearable, and as a result, the couple get divorced. By the way, the reason may not be alcohol / drug addiction. If the tendency to scandal is inherent in the character, the situation will arise with the same probability.
- In mental anguish, the question arises: if my wife cheated on me, why can't I do the same? Often, having cheated in revenge, the chosen one falls in love with another and eventually leaves for her.
- The spouse, who seemed to be seriously repented of what she had done, suddenly falls in love with another, after which she herself offers to divorce.
This is how things might unfold in the future. Of course, the list is not complete, but the content clearly makes it clear that the inference currently accepted is subject to change. Some of the above factors are simply impossible to bear psychologically. Therefore, saving a marriage purely because of the presence of children is a wrong decision.
What should be considered?
“What should be considered a man who has been betrayed by his wife? "The advice of the psychologist Zberovsky, who proceeds from his own practice, identified the circumstances that must be taken into account by the representatives of the stronger sex at the time of answering the question:" What to do if the wife has cheated? "
So, it is necessary to put the pros or cons in front of the following points:
- Legal or civil marriage. Walking "to the left" in a civil marriage is not considered to be treason, therefore mitigating circumstances operate here.
- The age of the spouses. Until the age of 40, a man still has chances to create a new marital connection. After - the chances fall. If a woman is under 35, practice shows that maintaining a couple is possible due to a “conciliatory” pregnancy.
- What a marriage. If one, and the second has it first, it is worth trying to reconcile, if the second, third, etc., then look for the problem in yourself or the other / s partner.
- Who initiated the wedding. It depends on the circumstances and personal point of view. It happens that the initiator-husband perceives the situation as follows: if she cheated on me, then she did not appreciate my determination to take over her support. This is a minus. And it also happens: she initiated, she betrayed, but despite this, my wife gave me an incentive, thanks to which I achieved a lot in my life. We try to live on.
- The behavior of partners (correct or not) until an unpleasant incident.
- How much the partner has realized as a mother and wife.
- Circumstances of receiving unpleasant information. If your wife cheated and immediately ran up to confess, they say, it turned out to be drunk, foolishly, count it as a plus. If the information did not come from the faithful - a minus.
- How the betrayed half behaved when talking with a partner. Repentance and guilt are a plus, lies and resourcefulness are a minus.
- The behavior of the wrong half over the next period. Here her ability to show her efforts to maintain the relationship in practice is important.
- The personal perspectives of each partner in the event of separation or reunification. When the wife is self-sufficient and successful, it can save the day. They are afraid to lose this one. Or, on the contrary, for a failed and morally weak woman, divorce will become the punishment that the victim longs for.
- Children's perspectives. Perhaps the spouse decides to live with the traitor until they reach a certain age. Or vice versa - the baby, due to his age, did not have time to realize the connection with his father, therefore the separation is less painful.
- Baby's reaction to the event. The child took the side of the mother, because the dad did not behave very well before the event. This is a deterrent for the father.
- The relationship of parents and acquaintances to his wife. If she never found a common language with them during the time that you lived - a minus, if her parents perceived her as their own, and you were reprimanded for inattention - a plus. The same factors apply to the relationship of the spouse with the relatives of the faithful.
- The reaction of friends and acquaintances.
- The specifics of the personality of the male half of the couple. How principled he is in the matter of treason. After all, there are types who can fall into deep depression after parting, but at the decisive moment they say goodbye, without even batting an eye.
- How strong is the love of each of the spouses for each other. This item can cross out all the previous pros or cons.
Fundamental issues
What to do if the wife has cheated: in addition to general aspects, there are several more fundamental circumstances.
So, it is not worth maintaining a marriage if:
- This is not the first time that adultery has been committed.
- The partner shies away from childbearing.
- Often denies intimacy or does it reluctantly.
- The affair on the side lasted more than a month.
- Until recently, she did not name the true reason for the betrayal.
- He does not repent and even behaves arrogantly.
- Turns children against you.
If you find that all the points relate to your case, then whatever the feelings, you should not live further with such a woman. The result of these seven points is complete disrespect on the part of the betrayed passion.
As for a positive answer, the psychologist considers it expedient to save the marriage if:
- The faithful did not deny himself the pleasure of having romances with others, he drank heavily and raised his hand to his passion.
- Initially, he proclaimed that I, they say, did not need official relations, my wife married me to herself.
- Neglected intimate relationships. Didn't pay enough attention.
Of course, under such conditions, a woman can be understood and even forgiven. After all, she did not live, but existed in terrible conditions, which is why she went in search of an outlet. Perhaps she should be thanked for the development and preservation of family life until the moment of conflict.
How to keep your family alive and not lose respect
Another important argument in this topic is that the concepts of "keeping a family" and "forgiving a traitor" are completely different. Fundamentally: if the goal of preserving the relationship is clearly defined, you cannot leave the faithful unpunished!
If you are at a dead end and do not know what to do, the psychologist's advice will be as follows: save your family, but at the same time file for divorce! What does it mean? There are no contradictions here, since a traitor must be made to respect you as a man and as a person. In the meantime, the spouse does not resort to at least - legal separation, the faithful will not feel the full depth and danger of her misdemeanor, and most importantly - the fear of losing her beloved.
Scandals and despair of the male half, alas, will not cause such feelings in a person who, committing a betrayal, has already shown disrespect.
At the root of the problem, filing an application is the most effective excuse to perceive each other at the proper level. So the couple will have more chances to talk honestly and without falsity, to seriously assess the claims. So the couple will find out how ready they are to eliminate contradictions and work on mistakes.
Perhaps he and she had long since stopped looking at each other with respect. Perhaps the opinion of partners has long ceased to be of any value. In the end, the unfaithful passion can tell her husband that under the pressure of divorce she "regained her sight" and is very sorry about what happened.
The threat of separation, divorce proceedings, and even a trial are excellent weapons in the struggle to save the couple. But this is only if the couple remains humane, and the clarifications are humane, if extremes and selfishness remain behind the scenes, and patience will be enough to withstand all the insults inflicted in a fit of anger.
Divorce proceedings as a step towards reconciliation
At the end, I would like to add a little optimism and note that even if the couple did not have time to reconcile during the divorce proceedings, even if the separation is already legally supported, this does not mean the finale at all. Practice, and any forum on the Internet shows that stories can end in completely unpredictable ways. Remember dynamism? So, after a certain time, the spouses may come to the conclusion that they need to value their family. It is not for nothing that they say that everything is cognized by comparison. Many couples reunite after divorce and live a full married life.
So, it turns out that when your wife cheated on you, life itself will tell you what to do. You may hate her with all your heart today, but it is possible that within a few months or years after the divorce proceedings, you will remarry. Let the event go without officialdom and pathos, but the relationship will be no less legal than the first.
The psychologist is happy to note that some partners, when parting and remarrying, do not even inform their children. This is the surest way, since the child's psyche remains unharmed.
An even larger number of married couples do not legalize their relationship again, which also absolutely does not interfere with re-creating a full-fledged family. Every second of these couples, being already divorced, even had a joint baby.
Of course, if your wife cheated on you What to do is up to you, but remember that there is always a way out. And parting is not always the only right decision. After all, as it turned out, adultery is able not only to destroy, but also to save the relationship.
