Betrayal is always hard to deal with. Life is divided into "before" and "after". The illusion of a happy family shatters into small fragments, giving rise to many questions. How to survive the betrayal of a loved one, if there are so many years of marriage behind you, a lot has been experienced? It is especially difficult to accept when you are a little over 60 years old. It seems that the pain of betrayal knocks the ground out from under his feet. Luckily, that's just how it seems. Time is needed, a deep analysis of the situation, a revision of life values.
How to deal with cheating and not lose yourself? In modern society, there is a widespread erroneous stereotype that they only cheat on spouses, that, while solving domestic family problems, they lost themselves, sacrificed their own interests. A typical picture on the pages of women's magazines: a lady in a washed-out bathrobe, a dirty apron and an unshaven man in family shorts, a stretched T-shirt, slippers, with a beer belly, an eternally dissatisfied expression on his face. Familiar? There is some truth in this pattern, but not much.
A common mistake is to look for reasons in your own appearance. Psychologists call this defense mechanism rationalization. Family union is voluntary. People stay together as long as they want to be around. If the feelings faded away, did not turn into a deep emotional attachment, a person cannot be kept by a sense of duty, an appeal to honor, morality, conscience. He will not be stopped by a common house, household, crying children, even the sickness of his spouse.
If a loving person wants to be around, your shortcomings are not a hindrance. He sees them as features that distinguish the object of adoration from the crowd, a highlight. A partner who intends to leave will not be held back by any virtues, beauty, talents, or skills.
Experience shows that even star beauties, successful ladies, culinary masters and sexy "bombs" are cheated on. Marriage betrayal happens in young, young, mature, regardless of race, hair color, style of clothing. In order to understand how to survive betrayal and separation, you need to realize that the fact of a spouse's betrayal does not make you worse, weaker. You remain a full-fledged person with the full right to happiness.
The story of two halves, eternal love is a beautiful but naive fairy tale. Remember the wonderful aphorism of the unique Faina Ranevskaya:
Only a pill, a nut and a brain have a second half. I am whole! — Faina Ranevskaya
The second typical mistake is comparing yourself with an opponent. A person who destroys a family is rarely ruled by pure love. More often, deep neurosis, fear of loneliness pushes to fill the spiritual emptiness at any cost. She's not better than you, just different.
The third common stereotype is about the unfortunate abandoned wife or the aging bachelor who is too late to start a new life. An utter nonsense, apparently invented by notorious teenagers. Living under one roof causes addiction, due to habit, the need to give in, sacrifice interests, seek compromises. This is a necessary condition for cohabitation, but now the restrictions have been lifted. This is not loneliness, but freedom, a chance to realize your dreams. It is difficult to change the habitual way of life, but it is possible and necessary.
Step two - analyze the situation
How to survive the betrayal of a loved one? The reason for painful experiences is naivety, blind faith in a partner. They did not consider such a situation as probable. There is anger, a feeling of self-pity, resentment, even a desire for revenge or impotence, apathy. Change, like all life events, has a reason. If a marriage lasts a long time without qualitative changes, monotonous and boring, discomfort arises. Family life goes through certain stages, tests for the power of attraction, devotion. Stability is not always good.
Every man, like the literary knight Don Quixote, needs a periodic "fight with windmills", the opportunity to feel like a hero, a savior. Agree, everyday throwing out garbage, exercises with a vacuum cleaner can hardly be called a feat or an interesting pastime. Women who have fallen under the heavy pressure of everyday life, lack of attention, admiration, compliments also lose their enjoyment of life. Daily routine duties slowly hide the sparkle of her beautiful eyes under a tired, thoughtful, slightly sad expression on her face.
An explosive combination for family relationships is the hyperresponsibility of one and the irresponsibility, immaturity, infantilism of the second spouse. The role of "caring mother for an unreasonable child" is ungrateful. In fact, this is an encouragement of the partner's irresponsibility. We forget the harsh but immutable centuries-old laws of life: sacrificing our own interests for the benefit of another individual, we lose ourselves. The result is sad: interest in you disappears. A person becomes a shadow or a comfortable, somewhat grouchy cohabitant, a nanny, but destroys the halo of attractiveness, intimacy. Boredom replaces passion, creating favorable circumstances for finding connections on the side.
But how to cope with betrayal, how to survive the pain and be happy? It is necessary to get rid of feelings of guilt, thoughts about one's own inferiority. These are the usual companions of shattered illusions, but it is dangerous to remain in such a state for a long time. They block the path to development, to moving forward. Make an informed decision. It is necessary to repair the relationship, try to "repair the crack of the family union" or leave with a proud posture. Review the relationship, find out the reasons that prompted the violation of marriage promises.
There is no guarantee that there will be no betrayal in the future, but in any case, you will gain useful experience and become wiser. Often favorable ground for adultery creates complexes, low self-esteem. She pushes for attempts to prove her own significance, attractiveness, success in such a painful way for her spouse. Then you should start at the root of the problem. If you decide to stay with your partner, you need to work on restoring the broken trust.
Do not confuse forgiveness with pardon, humility, reconciliation. These are not interchangeable concepts. Forgiveness helps to get rid of anger, resentment, and humility only hides negative feelings, drives them deeper, hides demonstrative acceptance of the situation behind a beautiful picture. True forgiveness requires an internal emotional discharge, the renewal of peace of mind.
It is necessary to make it clear that trust can only be earned by devotion, loyalty on an ongoing basis, joint work on family crises. There will be no second chance. If he doesn’t appreciate it, he will lose your love, warmth, the opportunity to save a family.
If you want flowers to bloom in the garden, and the dishes turn out to be tastier every time, you need to pay due attention to this. Also in marriage. Our requirements and needs are constantly changing. A true strong family union is based on the efforts of both partners for the common good. -Psychologist Kosenko Angelina. Relationship psychology: the whole truth about marriage. Exposing the current myths»
How to survive betrayal and separation? Don't take on someone else's responsibility. A person leaves - he made a choice, let him be responsible for the decisions made. Make the right conclusions, learn useful lessons from what you have experienced so as not to repeat the mistakes and move on, change for the better.
Step three - we develop, confidently start life from a new leaf
The past is an abandoned alley of the park, along which no one has been walking for a long time. Perhaps her lanterns in the gray dust of cobwebs evoke some nostalgia, but constantly returning, you miss the main thing - development, perspective, future joy, new pleasures. There are many paths in the park. Choose yours.
Remember the sensational story of adultery sex - the symbol of Hollywood blockbusters actor Arnold Schwarzenegger. After numerous betrayals to his wife with an aged lady, her own housekeeper Mildred Baena, who gave birth to an illegitimate son from a celebrity, Arnold repented, swore to his beautiful wife that she was an “ideal woman”, “still worries him.” Later, giving an interview to radio host Howard Stern, Schwarzenegger said that divorce after 25 years of a happy marriage was his main mistake.
Does dear Maria Shriver, the wife of an actor, need to blame herself for what happened until the end of her days? Carefully store anger, resentment, limiting your own capabilities, spending your life on “preserving trauma”? Maria acted wiser. She became free, ceased to be the shadow of a star spouse. She managed to change the train of thought and her own life. She is a successful journalist, winner of the Peabody and Emmy awards and just a beautiful self-sufficient woman.
Focusing on the role of the deceived victim, constantly complaining to friends, neighbors, relatives, we get energy through self-pity. But this is an unpromising path. On the contrary, you need to focus on your favorite hobby, which fills you with joy, inspires, gives you the strength to live, create and develop. Achievements, successes, realization depend on our efforts, aspirations.
Legend has it that an apple fell on Isaac Newton's head, prompting thoughts about the force of gravity. The biography of the scientist claims that the tempter fruit just landed nearby. But such an ordinary event gave rise to the development of physical thought. Perhaps going beyond the boundaries of familiar relationships will become a “magic pendel”, which psychologists mention, for your self-realization.
Magic pendel - gracefully carried out tough customer support. A graceful motivational kick that sends a person on a high flight of thought, energetic beneficial actions. - Internet resource psychologos.ru
And instead of the usual route "bedroom - kitchen - garden", or "fishing - garage-TV", write an interesting book, become the author of fascinating articles in a local newspaper on economic topics, start an Instagram page with photo reports about the beauty of your city, open a small hand-made workshop. Start making funny felt toys for sale and save up money for a trip that you have long wanted, but did not dare. Turn your hobby into an exciting life adventure. As they say, if there is a goal, there will be means.
Spend more time for yourself, playing with your grandchildren, self-education. Remember, life is measured not in days, months, years, but in bright memorable moments that cause a feeling of satisfaction, pride in oneself, harmony with the world.
Occupy your thoughts with an interesting thing that inspires, brings positive emotions, vivid impressions. Find new friends who share your value system, expand your social circle. Do not be afraid to seek the help of a psychotherapist if necessary.
The advice of a psychologist will tactfully direct you in the right direction, help you deal with emotions, recognize hidden desires, become more confident, restore confidence in the world around you and in yourself.
Often happy couples break up due to infidelity on the part of one of the partners. Betrayal hurts especially strongly women - the weak, tender sex. In such cases, there are recommendations from psychologists on how to survive the betrayal of a loved one.
- Analyze the situation. The first thing to do is to realize the fact of betrayal and explain to yourself its reasons. Perhaps your fault prevails in this situation, you yourself fell out of love with your partner a long time ago and were with him only because of affection, he saw no barriers to betrayal. Or your partner is solely to blame, in which case it is good that now you do not need to have anything to do with him. Whatever you decide for yourself, analyzing the problem is the first step towards solving it.
- Give vent to emotions. It is strictly contraindicated to accumulate any negative in yourself. This can lead to both psychological and physical injuries, because stress has a serious impact on human health. The best solution would be to throw out the accumulated emotions: cry, shout, break and destroy - if necessary. Getting rid of negative emotions, you make room for new, positive ones.
Important! Give yourself time. No need to try to "suffer" faster than you actually need. If you decide that enough tears have already been shed, but in reality this is not the case, then by turning on the “iron lady” in yourself, sooner or later the emotions buried inside will still come out, but with greater force. Remember the golden rule: time heals.
- Go on with your normal life. The betrayal of a loved one is really painful, but it is just a test that needs to be overcome. In addition to personal life, there are friends, family, work, hobbies. People never lose on all fronts at the same time. If you continue to live your normal life and further, then you will be able to step over and cope with the test soon.
- Go in search of new experiences. It is necessary to give yourself time to experience. But this process should not be delayed. To cope with the pain of betrayal, you need to get a charge of new experiences. Travel around the world, go skydiving, attend a theater premiere, join a photography class, whatever. Do what you like, more often, more. This will give you an emotional recharge.
- Take care of yourself. The betrayal of a loved one, of course, hits self-esteem and pride. The woman begins to think that something is wrong with her, otherwise for some reason the man found a replacement for her. And the main task in this case is to please yourself again. Change your hair, go to the beautician, go shopping. Take care of yourself both externally and internally. Start learning Spanish, if you have long wanted to, sign up for acting classes. From the increased attention to yourself, it definitely won’t get any worse.
- Communicate. Having experienced the pain of betrayal, a woman hardly maintains faith in sincere love and fidelity. Close people can help here. If they show their love, care and understanding towards you, you will not feel loneliness so acutely, and it will be easier to survive betrayal, sharing the pain of resentment with loved ones. So do not lock yourself in, go to contact, communicate and bounce back.
- Forgive the betrayal. Hating and cursing is always easier than letting go and forgiving the offender. But in order to cope with the pain of betrayal, it is necessary. The negative that has accumulated inside a person pulls him down. And we want to recover and go only forward, right? The feeling of hatred is just a useless waste of one's own energy. But what will really impress the traitor is your indifference. Forgive the one who betrayed you and free your heart for a new feeling.
- Forget the cheater and get rid of everything that reminds you of him. Does the necklace your ex-lover gave you make your outfit more elegant? Does the bag match your shoes perfectly? Forget! Collect all the things that remind you of a traitor in one box, and get it out of your house. If you don't want to throw it away, give it to those who need it. But don't let these things irritate your eyes. If you want to deal with the pain of betrayal, then you need to stop reminding yourself of it. Your thoughts in this case are your enemy.
- Use only positive attitudes. Thoughts are material. If you tell yourself that you are “abandoned, betrayed, unhappy”, then this is how you will actually feel. Use the right mental attitudes. Believe that you can easily cope with the situation, that a wonderful future awaits you and a loving man is nearby. What you believe will eventually become true. So believe in the good.
- Talk to a specialist. If you can’t cope with the betrayal of a loved one on your own, contact a psychologist. There is nothing to be ashamed of. A professional knows how to work with emotionally unstable people, and will give constructive advice, assessing the situation from the outside. The main thing is to be frank. Remember that your story will not go beyond the psychologist's office.
However, not all women find the strength to choose the right path and cope with the betrayal of a loved one. Many, unfortunately, succumb to their weakness.
The most common mistakes in the behavior of women after infidelity
- They plunge themselves into a negative state even more. Suffering from betrayal, women want to suffer even more. They lock themselves in their room, take a sick day at work, sad songs are played in their headphones, and there is always a channel with some kind of melodrama on TV. Stop! If you want to live happily, you need to surround yourself with happiness. As we see the world, so it will become. Comedies should always be shown on TV, cheerful pop music should play in headphones, and every weekend, free from work, let guests have fun at home.
- Ruin life by making mistakes. Not finding the strength to cope with the pain, women rush into all serious: they go into a binge or go to bed with the first person they meet. Not only does this not work, but it often leads to new problems. No alcohol, cigarettes, especially drugs and no casual relationships! Alcohol will relieve stress only for a while, but in a state of intoxication, unforeseen situations can happen to you. Cigarettes, and especially drugs, are an addiction. Random connections can lead to anything: a damaged reputation, a sexually transmitted disease, a feeling of being used, the list is long. Keep yourself in control and do not fall face down in the mud. Whatever happens, you must remain a real woman with a capital letter.
- They become edgy. Deceived women often lose faith in all the good things in the world and ... become bitches. They wiped their feet on them, now they wipe their feet on others. However, this behavior is fundamentally wrong and will not help in any way to cope with the pain of betrayal. No one around is to blame that the person you chose turned out to be a scoundrel. It is better not to offend others, but rather, help them. When people do good to others, they themselves feel better.
- Stop believing in love. If one betrayed, then everyone betrays - so often women who have been cheated on think. However, this judgment is incorrect. Don't you know faithful men? If only traitors have met on your life path, perhaps something is wrong with you. Anyway, don't generalize. There is good in the world, but only those who really want to see see it.
The most important thing to remember is that everything in life happens for the best. If a person betrayed and left, then this is not your person, and you will still meet your happiness, just until the time has come. It is important to find a way out of any situation and learn from experience. Then the future life will only be brighter and better.
Do you believe in history?
True 0 Not true 0
2018-07-24T16:12:42+00:00
And you know, that's often what happens. Despite the fact that at this age, most often, a man leaves a woman than vice versa. They go to the young. A lot of examples, one of them: the 54-year-old owner of the company where my sister works leaves his wife, one!!! Children grew up, flew away from the nest. His wife is a wonderful woman, kind, well-groomed, always friendly, and sincere. The figurine is no longer chiseled, well, excuse me, not 20 years old, but it tries to keep its shape, and is dressed with taste. And her husband, goes to a stuffed animal with inflatable lips and boobs, plaster on his face ... you can scrape off with a spatula. Young .... What attracts them? Beautiful bodies, youth, passion? But when he met his wife, 30 years ago, she had both breasts and eyes and legs - mmmm. And then the cellulite appeared, and the tummy with scars and stretch marks and boobs - the ears of the spaniel suddenly became, because. gave birth to three and fattened each for 2 years. Everyone has their own physiology, but often this happens. And what is it, now, how to throw away the used material? Unfortunately, this is what many do. And very suddenly, and it really is like a knife in the heart. But! But. But, we must hope for the best. And for those with whom this happened, I only want to wish "an instant click to change the perception of your inner world", so that that part of life - "loneliness" turns into freedom of thought and action. In freedom, in a word. Go shorter...
2018-07-24T15:03:41+00:00
If a person betrayed and left, then this is not your person, and you will still meet your happiness, just until the time has come. Yeah. And when did people prolong 20-30 years? What time?
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This article is a short course, a collection of tips designed to give you a foothold in life after a shock. In more detail, clearly and in detail, I described everything in the book. "How to survive the betrayal of her husband?".
I immediately warn you - this article is dry, like the steppes of Kazakhstan. You will not find sympathy or help in dealing with emotions here. Only logic and analysis.
How to Survive Cheating: A Scheme of Events
The fact of treason is the point of no return. After everything happened, it will definitely be bad for everyone. Everyone - and the traitor, and the one who was cheated on, and the one with whom they cheated. This article is for those who have become a victim of betrayal.
There are many options for the development of events further. What do you have? You may think that treason is everywhere and always treason, but it is not. How events unfold will determine what you do. Answer the questions to find out where you are right now.
- Do you have evidence of infidelity, or just suspicions?
- Did your husband confess to cheating on you, or did you find out about it yourself?
- Is your husband aware that you know about infidelity?
- Has the relationship ended or is it still going on?
- What intentions does the husband express?
What happens after the betrayal of her husband?
As a result, there are four scenarios.
- The husband left both you and his mistress.
- Does not leave, but does not interrupt relations on the side
- Your husband leaves you for his mistress.
- The husband broke up with his mistress, asks him to forgive.
The first option - he left both his wife and his mistress - it's just like a meteorite falling to Earth. Rare and fabulous.
The second option is a little more common. The situation is excruciating for all three. In terms of neuroticism, perhaps the most harmful.
The third - the husband went to his mistress - the option is terrible in fact. But going through it is much easier than when the husband is "undecided." Yes, a new life has begun for you - a life in which there are no more lies.
The fourth option - the husband left his mistress for you - is one of the most difficult. Everything sounds very good, but you understand that it will not be the same as before. So, it is necessary to build new relationships, taking into account past mistakes.
How to survive a cheating husband: Three stages
I highlighted these stages when counseling women who have had to deal with their husband's infidelity. So, at each of these stages, I build counseling in different ways. Now I will briefly tell you about all three stages, and then we will look at each in more detail. Knowing these stages, you will be able to predict what awaits you next. And how to behave so that everything ends as soon as possible.
stage 1 - shock
News shock. Either a complete stupor or hysteria. Very sharp pain, emotions are going through the roof. The world collapsed overnight.
The shock passed like a thunderstorm. Thunder rumbles can still be heard, but they are already in the distance. Now you have to inspect the destruction and understand how bad everything is.
Stage 3 - recovery
The pain is no longer acute, it is lingering. Presses, presses ... Gradually less and less, but very slowly, if you do not help her leave. It's time to get used to a new life.
Now let's take a closer look at each stage. They are the same for each of the 4 situations. But in the event that you and your husband still broke up, just replace “Tip 2” with “Tip 2+”
The first batch of tips focuses on what you'll do in the first days after you hear the terrible news.
Period description: the mood is unstable - now rage, now despair, now hatred, now love.
Period duration: 1-2 weeks.
The main goal: survive the shock.
Tip 1. Stop yourself from making decisions. Because they will be taken solely under the influence of the stress hormone. And don't tell me: I thought and decided!» At this time, you simply physically cannot think objectively. Remember the multiplication table.
Tip 2. Start collecting information about such a phenomenon as treason. Articles, forums, books, communication. What for? Then, to regain the ability to think. Now it seems to you that this is “horror-horror”. But after reading the articles, hearing other people's stories, you will understand that “yes, horror. But not horror-horror-horror. Cleverly, this is called reducing the dramatization.
Tip 3. Don't be alone. Always with someone next to you. You can be silent. Because you are now a little energy vampire. Yes, I'm sorry, but it's true. And there is nothing selfish about getting strength from somewhere. In the end, everyone wants to be needed by someone. Let your loved ones, friends and even just buddies be needed. You don't have to talk about your problem with everyone. It just needs someone whose company you don't mind being in the room.
Tip 4. Find a trusted person who will listen to your stories and wipe away tears.
This is where we need to talk. It is better that it was a psychologist. Last but not least, a friend. So that you can cry out your sadness, your grief. Cry it out as many times as your soul needs.
The most common mistakes: fixate on your misfortune and pain. Blame one person for everything: yourself or him.
The most painful and responsible stage. It is here that it is decided what will happen next. It is here that it passes from the acute phase to the chronic one. This
Period description: emotional swing - sometimes good, sometimes bad.
Period duration: According to my observations, from a month to six months. If longer, it means that someone is deliberately tightening it.
Tip 1. Instead of self-flagellation, write down all the thoughts that come to mind in the form of abstracts. You will think a lot about your mistakes. Do not exaggerate them in your head, but write down: “ You can’t do this, you have to do this…”
Tip 2. Orientation - on your man. Try to understand his behavior. I know it sounds like: "Guess what the frog is thinking". And I know that you always want to show him your feelings and pain. But now the main thing is to figure out whether he is ready to work on the situation, correct mistakes. It is at this stage that women usually come to me and together we figure out what the traitor now means when he says certain words. And how to convey to him what you want.
Tip 2+. So far, there is no man next to you. It is also easier. You don't have to bring anything to anyone. You will pay off your pain to a psychologist, and becoming wiser and more beautiful, you will go to build new relationships!
Tip 3. The biggest flow of pain that can be after infidelity falls on this period. Get rid of the pain. Use the entire arsenal of tools, do not disdain anything. Neither esoteric, nor meditation, nor logic.
Tip 4. Remember that you are building the world for two. With this man or with another, but in your soul and in life there should be a place for a man and his interests. And yours too! Necessarily!
The most common mistakes: to overdo it with "crackdown" with a husband who admitted his guilt; believe in your pride and refuse to give a chance to someone who really deserves it; to be sure that "the peasant has been grinding now, there are no longer reliable ones."
Coping with Cheating: Stage 3: Recovery
The wounds are starting to heal. Or they don’t start, if you interfere all the time.
Period description: you are like a stretched spring. If you do not touch, then everything can be fine. If you provoke, then there will be a storm.
Period duration: from a week to several years. It depends on how much effort you put in and your life partner, if he is now.
The main goal: see yourself in a new world.
Tip 1. Ignore information about treason. Do not read articles, do not discuss with friends, do not watch themed films.
Tip 2. The focus is on your self-esteem. Now is the time to claim your new place in the sun.
Tip 3. We must change. New habits, new manner of communication, new hairstyle, clothes, new routes, new scenarios of behavior. Preferably, in accordance with the errors that you identified during the second stage.
Tip 4. By an effort of will, block the “chewing” of memories of betrayal. Yes, I know it's difficult. But there are special exercises that will help you. It's possible.
Tip 5 Live in small chunks. Suppose you get up in the morning and the main task is to keep a good mood for the whole day. Don't think about tomorrow, next month, or what will happen in the fall.
Psychologist's advice on how a woman can survive her husband's infidelity: Do not allow yourself the most common mistakes: regularly slide into the past; disappointed in men.
And for more detailed information, ways to restore energy, solve complex emotional issues, new scenarios for communicating with a man - look for all this in the book. "How to survive betrayal?".
