Hello, dear ladies! Quite often I encounter the problem of female self-identification in relationships. Girls take on the role of mother and rush around with a man like a child. There is nothing useful or right about this for a strong and healthy family. That's why today I would like to talk about how to stop being a mommy in a relationship.
A woman should be a woman
In the article "" I looked at various models behavior of husband and wife in relationships. And the whole point is that no matter what kind of connection you have, partner, friendship or parental, the young lady must remain a woman. Weak, in need of protection and affection, feminine, sweet and gentle.
I will give you an example so that you understand me better. One of my clients is the director of a fairly large company. She's at work The Iron Lady, the boss, speaks sharply and clearly, does not muffle or coo with her subordinates. But as soon as she crosses the threshold of the house, she becomes tender and affectionate, a weak girl who needs male attention. She never allows herself to raise her voice at her husband or command him something in an orderly tone. She tries to be his wife, not his boss.
It is very important to be able to take that off yourself social role that you do at work, with your parents, with your children, with your friends. For your husband, you should always be a gentle and fragile creature that requires careful care. This doesn't mean you have to act up like a little princess. You should not assume that everything should be the way you want it. No. We'll talk about this a little later.
By the word woman I mean tenderness, attention to your partner, trepidation in relationships, easy pliability, wisdom and patience, affectionate appeal to your beloved and other feminine tricks.
Is it possible to change a man
A man cannot be changed. And it's not that they are anything special. You cannot change a single person on the planet. Even you cannot be changed. The whole point is that a person does not change under duress, he changes under at will. If you learn this once and for all, then it will be much easier for you to relate to people. This is the first point.
The second point is that you yourself have the power to change the situation. Only you can change your attitude towards people, towards things, towards what is happening. If you don’t like the role of mommy in marriage, then you just need to not do for him those things that a husband should do himself. Stop patronizing your beloved at every step. He is, after all, a grown man. Until you change your attitude towards your spouse, until you change yourself and your behavior, nothing will happen. You will continue to bear the role of a mother.
The main thing is to have respect for each other. I developed this topic in the article “”. When you treat your partner with respect, you cannot have the desire to become a mommy for him. Because you understand him and your area of responsibility perfectly. Define your personal space. Give each other everything you need to be happy family life.
Remember that changes in your beloved husband begin when his wife changes. If you start working on yourself, pay more attention to your problems and your reactions, start with yourself, then you will see how much easier communication with others will become.
How to achieve harmony in the family
In healthy and harmonious families, partners should be equal. This means that a wife should not raise her husband, because she is not his mother. A man should not keep his beloved locked up, she is not a slave.
When the wife for a long time plays mother with her husband, he gradually gets used to it, learns to shift everything to her, understands that he doesn’t need to do anything, because the wife does everything herself. In such cases, I am very surprised by the young ladies’ reactions: how can he do this, why doesn’t the husband do anything himself, is he really so dependent. Dear ladies, you first make your men like this, and then complain about it.
If you have already begun to notice the role of mommy in yourself, then quickly get rid of it. You can do it gradually, not all at once. You can do it sharply and radically. Whatever you prefer. The main thing is to become gentle and defenseless so that your loved one becomes a real man next to you.
In the article “”, I discussed what mistakes wives most often make, what they lack to build healthy and strong relationships, and what girls should definitely learn. I think this article will be extremely useful to you.
Share your experience. Maybe you have a “crazy mom” friend who is trying to raise each of her men? Or have you yourself once suffered from similar behavior tactics? How did you get rid of it? What helped you and what hindered you?
By telling your story, you can help many girls avoid making similar mistakes in relationships.
Best wishes to you!
Sometimes as soon as a man appears on the horizon, it begins:
- Honey, have you eaten?
- Dear, why didn’t you answer my 23 calls and 148 text messages? Are you avoiding me? What were you doing during this time?
— My little bunny (baby, sweet, big-eared or any other miniature view animal), are you having any problems? Why are you so sad? Like “no”, I see that something has happened, tell me everything urgently, I will help you, I will take pity on you and will try to help in every possible way.
- My cat (hedgehog, bear cub and similar living creatures and entities - see above), dress warmly, it has gotten so cold, by as much as 3 degrees. Wear underpants, a warm sweater and, of course, a hat.
“Are you sad, have I offended you in some way?” I did something wrong? Do you want me to cook something delicious? No matter how you “aren’t sad,” I can see that something is bothering you. Well, discuss this with me, you will feel better, I will help you cope with everything.
- Do you have problems at work? Have you been offended or misunderstood? Yes, you are my little one, you are my genius, well, it’s okay, they will still dance, they will remember how they unfairly offended my bunny. We'll show them more!
- Can I help you? Are you having trouble coping with something? Let me help you, print out the term paper and do some of the work on the project. So what if I have a lot of work to do, just think, I’ll sleep 4 hours less, but you’ll get everything done on time.
If you “suffer” from such a disease as involvement in a man’s life and the behavior of a caring mother, think, why are you doing all this? What are you trying to achieve?
Are you doing this with the expectation that the man will appreciate and value you more? Then I dare to assure you that men either avoid such overly caring people or take advantage of them until they get back on their feet, and then go to a real Woman who knows how to appreciate and love herself and her needs. And at the same time, she knows how to give a man what he really needs, and this is: admiration, the ability to treat him correctly and an understanding of what he really needs. Read about how to make a man appreciate you, love you and respect you in the new book by Rashid Kirranov “19 mistakes with men. How to make him love and respect you".
What feats, you ask? Yes, at least those when on vacation, on vacation, he unexpectedly gives you a huge bouquet of flowers, like for a bride.
Or in the evening, despite the fact that he is very tired, he will get dressed and go buy your favorite bun, which is sold a few blocks from home.
Or protect you from life’s adversities, take responsibility for solving many problems, for example, material, housing, problems in relationships with relatives, and so on.
If you want your man to love you and perform such feats for you, to be strong and support you in difficult periods, remove from yourself the role of mother, guardian, older, stronger comrade and develop the Woman in yourself. Learn to accept care, protection and attention from your loved one, and give a man what he really needs, and not what you think he needs. Then you will easily get everything that you are now trying to achieve with such difficulty to no avail.
Men themselves love to be strong, successful, they themselves love to delight their woman and do something nice for her. It is important for a man to know that his care and attention are needed by his beloved. That she is happy with him, that he is “her hero, her a real man, which no longer exist." But many beautiful, wonderful women simply do not yet know how to accept feminine essence, and this makes themselves and the men around them unhappy.
I understand perfectly well that often with our upbringing this is not always possible. Many grew up in single-parent families, some grew up without parents at all, many women in their parents’ family had a mother who was the leader, suppressed and oppressed her husband. Yes, our generation did not grow up best examples. But now everything has changed, there is now enough information that will allow you to gradually develop femininity in yourself. In my books, I write in detail about how to change the parental script. How to work through parental programs and shape your life based on your own needs, and not on the image that we have absorbed since childhood. You can read the first book “What happy women are silent about” or second “How to get a man off the couch. Secrets of happy women".
Once you begin to master the science of being A real woman how your life will get on the right track. You will learn to love yourself, accept yourself and your feminine essence, and your love and respect for a man will be shown as a reflection. It is love, it is respect and acceptance of him as a man. And not excessive care and guardianship as about the weak, small child. Why humiliate men and treat them like maladjusted children? Think about it, because sometimes it is only we ourselves, through our behavior, who do not allow our man to open up next to us and become a real hero.
By accepting the essence of a Woman in yourself, you will learn coquetry, learn to flirt and encourage your loved one to exploits and accomplishments not with your guardianship, but with your feminine faith in him as a strong and confident hero. By the way, many representatives of the fair sex do not know how to make eyes, as they say. You can learn this art on the website “ Sunny hands».
By accepting the essence of a Woman in yourself, you become happy and contented, regardless of the presence of a man in your life, regardless of his mood, problems, desires, etc.
Only by becoming happy and satisfied with yourself, only by learning to love yourself, can you accept the love of a man, and not take care of him only because you are afraid of losing him and being left alone.
By accepting the woman within you and loving yourself, you will learn to see and accept care, courtship, attention and strengths your partner.
In particular, learn to trust him more and understand that he is an adult, an independent person and is able to cope with his problems and tasks on his own. If he needs support, it will not be as much as you think. Even if now he has difficult period, give him space and time to cope with his difficulties himself. You can say that you are nearby and believe that everything will work out for him, and he will solve everything. Tell him that if necessary, you will always help him, support him and will not leave him. And the main thing is that you believe in him and that he can overcome everything. And even if you don’t overcome something and can’t cope with something, this will not make you love and appreciate him less. How else can you make your partner fall in love with you forever? Rashid Kirranov wrote about this in the article “What is important for a man? What does a man need to be happy? (Part 1)" .
But under no circumstances should you take an active part in solving his problems. He is a man, do not humiliate him with your attempts to be stronger and more successful, let him solve his manly problems himself. And you are a Woman and you have enough worries and problems of your own.
It was at the moment when I was writing this that our administrator gave me a letter from a reader. And I'm in Once again I was surprised how everything in this world is interconnected. How interesting everything is arranged. Why exactly at the moment when I was writing about the fact that there is no need to show care to a man as to a child, a question came up on the same topic. Here is the letter:
“Anastasia, hello.
Thank you very much for the site “Sunny Hands”. To be honest, I go to it almost every day – just for spiritual support.
Helps redirect thoughts. And I feel like I’m changing :)
Everything you write about works, probably because this is not a theory, but your personal experience.
I have a question for you. How should a woman behave and how to support a man when he is going through a difficult period?
When he's all in himself, doesn't say anything, walks like a cloud and doesn't notice you.
I know that this is due to difficulties at work, lack of money and misunderstanding in the team.
Any interaction only seems to irritate him.
I know from books and experience that it is better not to touch it at all. But it becomes scary that we will become strangers.
Tell.
Thank you. Sincerely. Lyudmila"
You see, we, women, already have the answer to everything. Our inner voice, our intuition, our heart itself knows what to do, but fear and doubt can ruin everything. Our reader already knows what is the best thing to do and answers her own question « I know from books and experience that it’s better not to touch it at all.” , but doubts and fear clog her feminine wisdom and intuition.
Of course, in such a situation, the best thing is to believe in your loved one and give him the opportunity to cope with difficulties.
It's like the example of finding a road. If a woman does not know where to go or go, she begins to ask passers-by for directions. A man in the same situation usually spends at least 1.5-2 hours to figure out the map, if there is one, walk around several times and look for road signs. And only when he is completely confused and reaches the wrong road North Pole, then the nearest polar bear he might ask something, what if he doesn’t devour him.
And until a man is convinced that he is lost and really needs help or support, advice from a woman, and especially sympathy, is perceived aggressively.
So it is in any situation when he has a problem. If he is silent and does not tell, it means he is trying to decide for himself. And the best thing you can do is not to interfere, but to enjoy life.
When he exhausts his resources, he will either seek support or solve the problem by that time. If you ask for support, you shouldn’t immediately rush in with ready-made answers and offer help in every possible way. Most likely, he just needs to speak out and discuss the situation with someone in order to see himself from the outside.
It's best to just ask: "What did you do? What didn't you do? What worked, what didn’t work? Why do you think it didn’t work out? What other options do you have?”
After the discussion, tell him that you are there and believe in him, that he will succeed and everything will be fine…. And again, mind your own business and your life, don’t take on men’s problems.
Your man is an adult and can easily cope with the tasks that arise on his way. And he hardly wants you to see his weakness and know about his problems. When he decides, then yes. Then he will want to talk about what a hero and a real Man he is, and how much you can be proud of him, he will tell you about the difficulties and how exactly he overcame them. Now it’s best to just be there, to live as we lived before.
So, remember, if your loved one wants to talk about problems, he will tell them himself. If he doesn’t want to, it’s better not to touch him and not to interfere with “heart-to-heart conversations.”
The relationship will not become distant, because after he solves his problems, firstly, he will be proud of himself and want to brag to you, and here there will be a great opportunity to return the atmosphere that was before.
And secondly, he will be grateful to you for simply being there and not pestering him with “heart-to-heart conversations”, not interfering and asking about his difficulties, but believing in him and supporting him.
This is how men are designed, that when they are focused on solving some problem, it may seem that he is moving away from you. And many women begin to think that if they feel sorry for him now, or ask him about difficulties and problems, if he opens up and tells everything, then everything will immediately become much better.
It won't. Do not confuse the psychology of men with the psychology of women. Yes, a woman, when it’s difficult for her, when something bothers her, simply needs to talk it out, preferably several times. Or better yet, the entire city, the entire country, or the entire globe. For men, the opposite is true.
See if you are behaving in such a way that you are spoiling your partner with your own behavior and literally ruining your life? Do you treat your loved one like a child? Are you trying to “help, protect, save,” etc.?
Value yourself and your time. Value yourself and your life. There is no need to devote your life to anyone. This is your life and it deserves not to be ignored, not driven into a corner and not forgotten about for several years.
But how can you learn to love and value yourself?
How not to be afraid of being alone and losing a man?
How can we not be afraid to accept the Woman within ourselves and behave not like many women around us who do not allow us to accept male love into our lives, but differently?
How not to be afraid to be a Woman, to express your needs, while truly loving a man, feminine love, and not maternal?
Eat good exercise, or rather even two exercises. And it’s better to do both of them, then the effect will be much better and faster. My advice, which I shared with you, dear readers of our portal “Sunny Hands”, in the article “How to become happy?” will also help. “Appreciate and love yourself!”
Exercises:
Exercise one. You need to write one sheet of paper every day “I love and accept myself for who I am. I am a true woman. And my man loves and accepts the woman in me.” and not just write, but after writing two or three times, close your eyes and repeat it to yourself. Feel how a warm, gentle, sweet stream of love and tenderness spreads from the center of your chest. Here it spreads over your shoulders, through your arms, up to your neck, head, hair. But you feel it heading down to your waist, hips, now it’s already in your legs, feet, and all this solar stream love covers your entire body and is already pouring out of every cell of yours. And you feel like you love yourself and accept all of yourself as you are. You feel like you are inside a luminous, strong, powerful, yet kind and loving flow of energy.
It’s as if you are floating and you are surrounded by Love and Energy, you feel love for yourself. You feel Respect for yourself, for your needs, desires and for your life. You feel like you love yourself and you deserve the best.
But you see yourself next to your man, and you see yourself as gentle, feminine, calm and confident woman. And most importantly, a happy woman. You see how your eyes shine and you see how lovingly and tenderly your partner treats you.
Then open your eyes again and again write the phrase “I love and accept myself as I am. And I deserve all the best." And close your eyes again and do the exercise again.
Exercise two. It is best to do it in front of a mirror, when no one can distract you. Turn off your phones first, go to the mirror and look at yourself for a couple of minutes. Then look yourself in the eyes and say: “I love myself the way I am. I am a wonderful, wonderful woman and I know how to behave like true Woman» . close your eyes and imagine yourself as you want to be. Imagine everything you dream of in a relationship with a man and tell yourself that you deserve it.
It is unlikely that you dream of taking care of a man and being his eternal nanny. But perhaps you are simply afraid to behave differently, or don’t know how? So start at least dreaming about it. Visualize the image of the woman you would like to be. And at the end of the visualization, tell yourself that you are worthy.
In conclusion, I would like to tell you that if you begin to reveal the feminine essence within yourself, begin to master feminine wisdom, then your life and your partner will begin to change as if by magic. Every year, no matter what, every day you will be surprised by the changes in yourself and in your loved one that you have been waiting for for so long.
Sincerely, Anastasia Gai.
It is tempting to choose for yourself the role of a caring mother who takes care of her husband in every possible way. And the point is not that the husband is not able to do everything himself. It’s easier to be in charge, it’s easier to pull the blanket over yourself. Otherwise, you will need to learn to live in harmonious relationships, where there is no struggle for leadership. In an effort to become the most important, a woman can turn to the “mother-son” role model. Such a model may be more understandable and transparent than trying to build healthy family. After all, it’s always up to mom the last word. It is she who decides who is right and who is wrong. Mom can even punish for misdeeds (How can you punish your own husband? And why would there be any talk of punishing your partner?) By forgetting that the husband is not a child, a woman loses the most important thing in a relationship. It is gradually forgotten why the choice was made in favor of this person. There are many techniques on how to avoid transferring the child-parent relationship model to your family.
Remember that you are already an adult
This means you can control your feelings and behavior. It's always easier to pretend to be offended when you see that some things haven't been done. Or choose a mentoring tone, as teachers or mothers can do. But the relationship between husband and wife is built on partnership. They involve equal people, which means you need to learn to negotiate. No matter how much you want to tell your husband off, take a break. Remember that adults act differently.
You are so beautiful, smart and brave, but your personal life is not working out. You cook, wash, take care of him, like a mom, you earn money yourself, but time after time you run into betrayal. What's wrong in this world? Why are fidelity, tenderness and care not valued? Maybe the rumor is right: it’s hard, and all the men are...?
How not to become his “mommy”
No, the rumor is wrong, and female care is still valuable in this world. But I'll tell you the truth - we were deceived. We were deceived when we were taught that a set of eternal feminine virtues could provide us with happy life. Beauty, intelligence, thriftiness, humility and responsibility do not guarantee us male fidelity. Male respect is guaranteed, but fidelity is a song from a completely different opera.
And why all? And all because our correctness sooner or later turns us into “mothers”. Such warm, cozy, sweet, smelling of clean linen and delicious baked goods, 100% mommies. To whose chest you want to cuddle in moments of despondency, melancholy and sadness, and from which you want to escape into the world of adult uncompromising lust.
Yes Yes. Even if you are as good in bed as you are in the kitchen, this will not save the situation. You will be alone in it more and more often, and he... He will get tired at work. To suffer from all sorts of diseases unknown to science, but for some reason necessarily associated with sexual function.
And you... You will endure. You will understand. Sympathize. Get into position. Like real faithful wife(unconditionally loving mother).
And then... Then you accidentally stumble upon a love correspondence on his phone and your world will fall into pieces. There are many, many fragments that cut into pieces the heart and soul with sharp edges. All the good things that you managed to build will be crossed out.
No need. Let's get out of the role of mommy and become happy. You shouldn’t ruin your life for the sake of the principles of the century before last.
The role of the mother - what is it and where does it come from?
The role of “mommy” in relationships is imposed on us social traditions. A woman is a matron, the mother of a family, who is responsible for literally everything. Children, everyday life, comfort, kitchen - everything is on her shoulders. - the wife is to blame. - especially. Earns little? I couldn't have worked better.
No matter where you look, no matter what stone you lift in family life, there will definitely be a woman’s responsibility underneath it. Even if the baby catches a cold or hits his head on a rock while walking with dad, the wife is still to blame. She dressed poorly and why did she entrust the child to a man? Are they capable of properly looking after the child?
At the same time, men do not act as independent adults and equal partners. On the one hand, they are the object themselves increased attention, they need to be nursed, appeased, carefully controlled and, in some places, educated so that they do not get out of hand. On the other hand, this is the prey that the girl caught to ensure her comfortable life and the lives of her children.
To cope with such a lot of tasks, the role of a mother is the most beneficial. So the woman flies into it right away and for the rest of her life. Forgetting about your needs and ignoring the needs of your partner.
Why is the role of a mother dangerous in a relationship?
- Mom is not an object sexual attraction. They don't want her. Even if a pretty girl does not turn into an aunt from endless family worries, but remains beautiful and well-groomed, her husband will no longer perceive her as a sexual object. It will jam psychologically. It is unnatural to want a mother.
- Mom is a dictator. The maternal role involves executive functions. Let's be honest: not every man will agree with this.
- Mom is war. You don't want to, but I'll force you. You can't, but I will demand it. The role of a mother sooner or later leads to the fact that the woman herself determines what she, her children and... her husband need. Conflicts are inevitable. Affection, tenderness, trust and mutual understanding in relationships disappear.
- The woman gradually turns from tender and reverent into a vixen. The weight of responsibility for everything and everyone weighs on nervous system. She still wears a mask in front of the children, but her husband gets the worst of it. He literally turns into a victim onto whom megatons of nervous tension are dumped.
- There is no longer any former attraction to my spouse. “Mom” perceives him not as a man, but as a brother. Or like a son. "Husband - big child“, such women say with tenderness and this is a bad signal.
So it turns out that we are looking for a mate in order to find a soul mate and love. But life forces us to forget about our original goals and we destroy relationships with our own hands. Both suffer in this situation.
How to get out of the role of “mom”?
Once you enter this role, it is not very easy to get out of it. The system will resist furiously. Husband, children, relatives will make titanic efforts to return their horse-drawn horse to the stall. They will remember about duty, conscience, decency, traditions... But it’s better not to give a damn about “traditions” than to then cry into your pillow in despair and hopelessness.
Ways to transform from mommy to woman:
- Return to yourself. Fulfill your own dreams: career, drawing, dancing, sports. Talk about your desires. Don't wait for approval, but listen to your own feelings. Do things that bring you pleasure.
- Relieve yourself of responsibility. Your husband is an adult like you, which means that with some effort he will be able to cope with ordinary household chores. Agree on the distribution of responsibilities. Don't get mad if he doesn't succeed right away. Teach like a child, and in time he will cope.
- Review your routine. Maybe you completely sacrifice your time for the sake of countless clubs and sections for children? Why are you doing this? Is this what they need? Don't your children make your dreams come true? Is it at their expense that you raise your own value and need for achievement?
- Stop bossing your husband around. Negotiate and look for a compromise.
- Go back and try to understand what kind of person he is, what he needs, what he dreams of? Track your feelings: does your husband still admire you as a man, or has indifference settled in your soul?
- Go negative. Start downloading your license and acting up out of nowhere. Sometimes you want it, right? So give yourself free rein. Let them remember that you are a woman.
- Always listen to yourself in everything. Do you want to do this or that action? If the answer is no, speak up and do what you think is best for you.
The virtuous Melanie from Gone with the Wind has earned the respect of all the men around her. Both Ashley and Red Butler admired her wisdom, generosity, patience, and ability to run a home. But they both loved not her, but the eccentric and unpredictable Scarlett, who never betrayed herself for the sake of decency. The secret is to find the middle ground. Children remain a gentle and caring mother, and demonstrate their unique feminine and human qualities to their husband and the rest of the world.
