Feelings of jealousy: armed and very dangerous
Someone smart said that jealousy always “goes along with suspicion, hatred and anger, and each of the trinity is armed with a dagger, followed by repentance. Which, however, sometimes no one needs anymore.”
Let's talk about this terrible phenomenon, like jealousy, which corrodes and destroys relationships.
Jealousy is the silent relationship killer
Why is he quiet, if many shout so loudly in a fit of jealousy? Because there is still a common misconception that being jealous means loving. Yeah, the way he hits means he loves...
The myth that “he who loves is jealous.”
Jealousy has nothing to do with love at all. The basis of love is a conscious preference for fidelity and responsibility for one’s choice of a partner. Otherwise, why be together?
Constant outbursts of jealousy only interfere with love and turn relationships into a series of suffering and mistrust.
Loyalty vs Jealousy - whose side are you on?
Do you want to understand what to do with jealousy? Then let's deal with loyalty. After all, jealous people demand it that way.
Faith, confidence, trust, fidelity - words that are close in meaning.
Loyalty as a human quality is formed in adolescence when we actively learn about ourselves and the world around us, we learn to be friends. And later - to love.
How to deal with jealousy?
Initially, we learn to believe in ourselves and in ourselves. The stronger this feeling manifests itself, the higher the level of self-confidence. Only after we learn this are we able to trust others.
Jealousy is a lack of fidelity. JEALOUSY is LOYALTY in reverse.
Loyalty means that you are initially responsible for your choice to yourself.
Where does jealousy come from?
Jealousy appears when a person:
- doesn't believe in himself;
- does not know how to trust anyone;
- is not able to make his words and deeds coincide;
- doesn't know how to make friends;
- has no principles to which it itself corresponds;
- does not know what responsibility for oneself, one’s words, choices, actions means.
Love and jealousy have different paths
What did we not see on the list of reasons that cause jealousy? Love!
Jealousy does not stem from love. The basis of jealousy is the fear of losing what you love.
Remember, this pathological feeling grows from lack of confidence in yourself and your relationship with your partner. Be it a friend, a child - anyone.
Also, doubts that your partner loves you play into the hands of a woman’s jealousy. What if he chooses someone else who is better than you? After all, you doubt that you are WORTHY.
Believe in yourself - protect yourself from feelings of jealousy
Jealousy is a consequence of a possessive attitude towards your partner. It arises when you are consumed by the desire to have a monopoly on the personal life of your chosen one, to interfere in all his affairs.
Understand that jealousy is an external manifestation of the fact that you do not have such a quality as fidelity. Do you know why? But because everyone judges for himself.
In a situation with jealousy, a person often does not even realize his potential infidelity. But he has problems with self-confidence and trust in the world. And he broadcasts them outward through uncertainty in others.
A jealous person simply does not know how to believe. Because he has no experience of faith and trust in himself in the first place.
Beware of the delirium of jealousy. Case from practice
I have a friend. As far as I remember, he always cheated on his wife with various pretty girls. He referred to the fact that his wife “is not his ideal in appearance.”
And so, he fell in love with one of his passions. So much so that he even left his wife.
His girlfriend was a very bright, sexy brunette that everyone noticed. She adored her man. But literally a month later he turned their lives into hell with wild, jealous hysterics.
The girl cried more than once during my consultations, telling me through tears that she adored him and didn’t even notice others.
The result? He drove her to hatred, and she left for someone else.
Human jealousy can multiply
But the most unpleasant thing about this is different. A person with unbelief and lack of fidelity attracts a partner similar to himself.
Remember, if you did not lack faith on a subconscious level, then unfaithful partners would simply not come into your field of vision.
You can claim that if you hadn’t been burned once, you “wouldn’t have blown on the water.”
But not everyone is around. This is not a problem for everyone, but only for those who“ sharpened” to betrayal on a subconscious level. You can't argue with psychology.
“Exile” into treason, or Jealousygives bad advice
Whether it is female or male jealousy - in each case it is a mutual conspiracy. Like a “victim-sadist” couple.
No matter what faithful partner a jealous person comes across, he will still torment the chosen one with jealousy and mistrust. Which, by the way, can ultimately provoke betrayal. Like, “What, I don’t get hit on the head on a regular basis?”
Beware, pathological jealousy!
By the way, it is very important to distinguish between pathological jealousy. She is not only frequent occasion for appeals to psychologists and psychiatrists, but also adds work to law enforcement agencies.
Let's not forget that jealousy is the most common motive for murder in families.
So it’s definitely impossible to call jealousy a “harmless form of manifestation of love.”
Pathological jealousy is one of those problems that has been described by philosophers, poets and doctors for centuries. The latter even distinguish it as a separate disease.
Signs of jealousy as a referral to a doctor
Pathological jealousy is not a specific symptom of a specific disease.On the contrary, it occurs in almost any mental disorder.
Personality pathology, neuroses, depression, alcohol and drug abuse, schizophrenia, organic pathology (less often) - in all these diagnoses one can find references to abnormal jealousy.
For this reason, it is important to refer the client for consultation with a psychiatrist at the slightest suspicion of an unclear mechanism of jealousy. Exactly incomprehensible.
Does your husband or boyfriend show excessive aggressiveness at the slightest hint of a man appearing in your environment? Then I recommend thinking about mental health chosen one and your safety.
Grow flowers out of jealousy
Jealousy is an almost normal feeling in certain conditions. We are talking about the manifestation of possessive instincts.
In the same time complete absence of jealousyunder the same conditionsmay indicate the presence of emotional pathology. For example, emotional rigidity, which is also destructive for relationships.
Provocation is the worst embodiment of jealousy
Another dangerous aspect of jealousy is provocation - artificially inducing jealousy. Women often resort to this weapon in an attempt to warm up relationships and attention to themselves.
Sometimes jealousy can add a spark to a relationship that is fading. But not when a person constantly uses it as a tool of pressure.
By provoking your partner to jealousy, you unconsciously or consciously affect his self-esteem and encourage him to be competitive.
He and his “rival” are training in the achievements of “who will receive the main prize - the love of a woman?”
You, like a provocateur, rest on the laurels of your own pride and think about how else to provoke jealousy. And men bring all kinds of gifts to your feet: attention, love, colorful emotions, gifts, etc.
Do you love a man or his jealousy?
The basis of your provocations, albeit unconscious, is deprivation of attention and love in distant childhood.And now you are trying to compensate for what you have not received in such a dishonest way, pitting people against each other in the battle for your person.
That is, you assert yourself through provocation.
But listen, deliberately causing jealousy of a partner is an unacceptable technique if we are talking about a trusting, loving relationship.
Look, this pattern is emerging. You are provoking your man to jealousy. He's falling for it. The two of you are pursuing the same goal - to get attention and love.
Only one in this situation takes the “pose” of a sadist, and the other – a masochist.
Which position do you prefer? None for me.
Girl, they feed you jealousy
Men also often “feed” the poison of jealousy to their women in the form of provocations, “and we have such a pretty, young new secretary.”
This is how they subconsciously “gain” points in the eyes of their chosen ones.
How NOT to react to provocations?
Your worst reactions in this situation would be:
- “Probably a fool and a prostitute, like all secretaries”;
- “And you, like a dog, have already hung your ears?!”;
- “If I see her next to her, I’ll pull out all her extensions”;
- “And I’m ours new manager gave me a ride in a cool car.”
You should also not be offended and demonstratively not talk to the man.
Such reactions only devalue you. They show that your ego is hurt, wounded.
As a result, the manipulator receives the emotions he expected and continues to “press” you further.
Let's neutralize manipulation
One of the optimal ways to respond is not to give the manipulator the expected reaction, not to reinforce his manipulative behavior. Or better yet, turn his manipulation to your advantage.
Alternatively, you can ask your husband questions that will encourage him to state his needs directly rather than indirectly.
You can also neutralize manipulation with humor.
Why is a woman provoked to jealousy?
By the way, if your chosen one behaves like this, take a closer look at yourself. Maybe you've neglected your man? Haven’t you complimented him for a long time, haven’t thanked him, haven’t admired your knight, that he provokes you to “love”?
Or maybe she let herself go.And with jealousy your man is trying to provoke you to take care of himself?
Or is provoking jealousy the norm in your relationship? Then what are you doing there?
Attempt of jealousy: pain or joy
Look, one of my clients was so “provoked” with his wife that he left for her friend. It was this woman that he constantly cited as an example of grooming and excellent taste.
His wife flaunted that he should love her for who she is and thank her for her son.
Until one day, in the literal sense of the word, she pulled her husband off her friend when she returned home ahead of time. The family broke up. And the friends poured slop on each other for a long time all over the city.
But it should be noted ex-wife blossomed - either to spite her husband, or thanks to going “to the brides fair.”
Was it really impossible to make such a move earlier, when it was relevant for the husband?
How to deal with jealousy?
Make love, not kill it
Do everything to strengthen your relationship, not destroy it.
Instead of playing Pinkerton, become interesting to him. And first of all, become interesting to yourself.
Remember, constant spying on your man provokes him to lie. He will hide everything from you “just in case.” Mistrust only distances.
Improve yourself and strengthen your relationships
Stop being an emotional beggar and contribute to your relationship yourself.
Show your partner your care and trust, give compliments, thank you.
Look, the fidelity of spouses is not a derivative of surveillance, suspicion and mistrust. This is the result of a strong, reliable relationship that satisfies both.
Increase your self-esteem
Well, tell me, why value you if you are not valuable to yourself?
Work on your shortcomings, believe in your strengths.
And then you realize that “you need such a cow yourself,” and you are important to your man. And if not, then why do you need it?
Work with your fears
Ask yourself honestly.What are you afraid of when you poison yourself with jealousy?Losing Him? Left alone?
Maybe, really, he is an unfaithful partner and it’s time to let him go? Why hold on to him, they say, “if only not for yourself,” and take up a potential place worthy partner?
Stop comparing
This is about your self-esteem. And besides, why show the man himself that someone is better than you?
It only makes sense to compare with yourself - have you become better than your former self?
Disconnect from your partner
Live your life, find yourself a hobby.
Often the reason for jealousy is the obsession of one of the partners with the life of the other.
It happens that this happens due to a lack of interests and personal life. And such a partner has no choice but to live the life of another.
This applies not only to jealousy, but also to excessive control on the part of parents (usually mothers) over children.
Understand that your control, your anxiety, your endless interference in someone’s life will not make either you or the object of interference happier.
Be honest and trust your man
Give up all these spy games and hidden doubts. If something is bothering you, ask your partner directly.
Just don't do it in the form of a scandal. Calmly.
I'm not saying that no one has such a reason)
But what often happens is that we begin to suspect our partner not because he did not justify our trust. But only because we ourselves experience fear and self-doubt.
Jealousy in this case is not based on anything in reality, but stems only from our personal feelings. And insults his partner.
Learn to truly forgive
I sincerely forgive you if you were cheated on in the past, but you decided to move on.
Sometimes this happens because a person succumbed to temptation, but continues to love you. In other cases, this is a consequence of momentary weakness, a mistake for which he can be forgiven.
Cheating did not kill love in you, did you both realize the “contribution” of each to it and see the value of your relationship? Then find the strength and love in yourself to forgive him and yourself for “not looking enough.” And move on.
When overcoming jealousy is not your option
Of course, it is also possible that jealousy is not groundless, your partner has fallen in love with someone else, or he is systematically cheating.
Then it's better Ask yourself an honest question: what do you expect? What are you doing here?
Maybe you should gather your dignity and self-respect into a fist and finally break out of it? Instead of poisoning yourself with the poison of jealousy.
Love will save the world! Love and prudence to you.
Yaroslav Samoilov
Feelings of jealousy can lead to the rupture of even the strongest relationships. Jealousy provokes the desire to control any action of a partner. How to protect relationships and learn to restrain your own emotions?
Human jealousy
Is it always a sign of low self-esteem? Maybe the husband is an owner and does not want to share his wife with anyone, even with his friends. In this case, he is simply selfish and the constant attention of his wife is just another whim of a bored man. To avoid scandals over jealousy of friends, you need to learn to entertain yourself on your own and not get bored alone. Of course, it is better to be able to do this from childhood, but it is never too late to learn, and you can easily find an interesting activity to your liking.
Jealousy does not always arise from strong love. The reason lies in self-doubt and a feeling of fear of losing a loved one - what if he finds someone better. This attitude does not benefit relationships; rather, it kills feelings. But some people mistakenly believe that love and jealousy cannot do without each other and can exist harmoniously side by side, and being jealous means loving – this is proof of this, they believe.
Jealousy in marriage will destroy marriage, will destroy feelings, leave trauma and disappointment. It is impossible to build relationships in an atmosphere of mistrust. It will insult and alienate the partner, and can bring closer exactly what the jealous spouse fears. If you want to save your marriage and live together to a ripe old age, you need to get rid of the destructive feeling of jealousy.
How to get rid of feelings of jealousy
Eavesdropping on conversations, checking calls and messages on your phone should not become a habit. We need to work on self-confidence and a sense of trust. And you can start by improving your appearance: get a new haircut, lose a couple of kilograms, update your wardrobe. But all this will not help if you do not have confidence in yourself and your soul mate. There is no need to compare yourself with others, to see all interesting and attractive people as competitors, and in relation to your spouse, the best proof of fidelity is his attentive attitude and care. Nobody wants to hurt the person they love. And if the spouse loves, then he will remain faithful, knowing how this will upset his soul mate.
If the feeling of jealousy arose not without reason, and the spouse noticed an interest in another person, but felt a cooling towards himself, then it is worth talking openly about it. It just needs to be said that this behavior is unpleasant. Particularly offensive is obvious interest and overt flirting in the presence of a wife or husband. This offends anyone and speaks of disrespect and bad manners. A lover will understand this the first time, and if the partner turns out to be a womanizer, then jealousy will become a constant companion and it will be difficult to come to terms with it.
In cases where the feeling of jealousy turns into illness, and the spouse tries to control any action, and if he objects, he creates a scandal, then this is already an obvious illness. But unfortunately, it is not possible to cope with it on your own. And there is only one way out - to part with such a person before trouble happens.
If one partner feels insecure, then the other should help him cope with this, convincing him of the sincerity of his feelings and not taking it for weakness. And time spent in love and harmony will cast back all doubts and mistrust. Jealousy has no place in a harmonious marriage, which is built on respect and mutual trust. We must remember this as soon as the newlyweds crossed the threshold of the Wedding House and began life together.
Bye everyone.
Best regards, Vyacheslav.
Sometimes, due to strong sympathy and love for a certain object, feelings of jealousy may also arise. This is a rather negatively colored emotion, which is often provoked by a loss of attention on the part of a loved one, a lack of communication with him, a change in relationships, and a lack of respect from a partner. From the point of view of psychologists, one should not distinguish jealousy as a strictly defined phenomenon, but rather consider it as a tendency to chronic, constant jealousy.
That is, in psychology, it is understood as a character trait, often of a negative connotation, which can be equated to a painful condition that is beyond the control of the individual. If the beloved is just an object of desire, and there is no reciprocal love in the relationship as such, jealousy is in many ways similar to envy of someone else's happiness.
Reasons for jealousy
It should be understood that the main feature of the feeling of jealousy is the individual’s imaginary conviction that he has some right to own the object of love as some kind of property. The very feeling of dissatisfaction, which is jealousy as such, develops when this imaginary belief, which is initially erroneous and even inconsistent with the object of sympathy, is threatened or subjected to “abuse” by another person.
Why is this trait quite serious or even somewhat dangerous? For any person. Especially during certain periods of life and growing up, it is very important to be close to someone for whom you feel passionate sympathy and from whom you receive love and care. Such warm feelings towards someone are not always sincere and mutual, therefore, when someone receives the love of the person we want, such a turn of events can literally infuriate us.
A person, being obsessed with jealousy bordering on envy, has poor self-control. There are many known cases where, in such a state, unhappy lovers committed various impulsive acts, which sometimes had a very disastrous ending. Of course, this most often occurs among teenagers, young people and people in love, but it is not alien to adult, experienced men and women.
In fact, we can encounter jealousy already in childhood. Of course, in such at a young age the manifestation of such experiences has its own specific coloring, and it is not so bright, but is no less important. The reasons for jealousy in a child are often quite simple and primitive. At his age, love, attention and care from his parents are very important, so he is often worried or even indignant if someone takes away his personal mom and dad.
It is especially painful and difficult for children to bear the arrival of another child in the family. Of course, the situation becomes even more aggravated if we're talking about about the birth of a younger brother or sister. Adults, in fact, are forced to literally dance around the newborn, paying him as much attention as possible. Which never goes unnoticed by another child.
Love jealousy
Psychologists emphasize the fact that love and jealousy are actually equivalent experiences in terms of emotional intensity. It brings the most destruction and unhappiness not to the object of love, but to the lover himself. While the jealous person is forced to suffer, experience constant feeling dissatisfaction, injustice, resentment or even envy, the person he loves continues his tranquil existence and enjoys happy life with someone else.
Often love jealousy is somewhere on the verge of losing his mind. In fact, self-awareness of the current situation, attempts to assess the degree of one’s insanity and recognize jealousy as such, as a rule, do not lead to anything good. Moreover, jealousy based on strong love is the very small step that can lead to hatred and make you feel rage towards a previously loved one.
Sometimes the slightest grain of mistrust or deception is enough, and for the jealous one the whole world loses its former colors and colors. The torment forces you to try to find a way out of the current situation. What's the best way to proceed? Attempts to forget and forgive lead to nothing, sorting out relations with a more successful opponent with the help of fists leads to nothing... all that remains is to reconcile and try to suppress all the feelings and rage within yourself. Often, however, negative emotions and anger spill out onto the object of love, since along with jealousy a person can experience the bitterness of loss and deception, disappointment, and even shame.
A separate issue is female jealousy. If men are more often inclined to try to get away from everything, to achieve their beloved, to fight for her, to take revenge on their rival, then in the case of beautiful ladies everything is different. They are often characterized by the desire to take revenge on the very object of love, so that he experiences torment and suffering no less powerful than those that the woman herself experienced. Of course, after sweet revenge, the feeling of dissatisfaction does not go away, jealousy still reigns in the heart, and no sudden healing occurs. It’s not for nothing that they say that sometimes only time can heal severe mental trauma.
Is it possible to get rid of jealousy?
If you suddenly notice all the signs of jealousy, while you are in a completely harmonious and stable relationship with your beloved person, you should think carefully about your behavior. It often happens that there is no reason for jealousy as such, and your feelings of mistrust are just a serious threat happy relationship. What to do, and is it possible to get rid of jealousy?
Think about why you developed this feeling and what was the trigger. For women, a signal of jealousy is some kind of incomprehensible change in personal relationships, suspicions of communication with other representatives of the fair sex. In the case of men, a significant difference in earnings may be a reason for mistrust, social status, influence in family and among friends.
Never reject jealousy! You should accept it, evaluate it, try to understand your feelings and thereby understand the current situation. With this approach, you will not have any problems getting rid of jealousy. Moreover, pay attention to this fact. that jealousy can be useful! It is worth talking about this in the case when a feeling of annoyance becomes a good motivation for self-improvement, in order to regain the respect and ardent feelings of a partner.
It is worth recognizing that jealousy in marriage is more relevant for men, but ladies often suffer from excessive jealousy on the part of their beloved spouse. Here are some tips that can help you with problems with jealousy on the part of your husband:
- Don't hide everything to yourself and don't try to cope with your feelings secretly from your significant other. Have a heart-to-heart talk. Try to explain to him that jealousy in any of its manifestations can greatly harm your relationship, which you would not really want.
- It is best to have such conversations not during the next outbreak of jealousy and not immediately after it. Choose more suitable conditions for this, when both of you are able to listen and understand each other.
- Don't forget that your spouse is a person, not a machine. A man who does not receive signs of attention from his lady often suffers from low self-esteem, which becomes one of the reasons for jealousy. Help him lift it up, don't be afraid to give appropriate compliments, and try to give him more love.
- Never be nostalgic in front of him about your past relationships and “adventures”; you should not deliberately provoke your husband to jealousy with your behavior or flirting with other males.
Often, love and jealousy are very closely related. The person who experiences the most sincere feelings he is also inclined to experience jealousy towards the object of his affections.
“Will he/she leave me for someone else? Why does he communicate with him so politely? Why is she flirting with him? - such thoughts often arise in the heads of lovers.
How can you stop being jealous? What to do for this and how to behave?
There is an opinion that if a person is jealous, it means he loves. That is, he experiences certain feelings, shows concern and does everything to prevent betrayal from happening. However, if we consider this statement in more detail, it is unlikely that we will have to talk about love.
The question is how strong are the feelings of one's own ego. It's no secret that every person is selfish to a certain extent. He tries different ways improve your life while thinking about yourself first. Sometimes he is not interested in what happens to other people at these moments, what emotions they experience.
Of course, this manifests itself differently for everyone: for some, to a greater extent, someone has less. But this does not change the essence.
Therefore, in order to make it easier for themselves to communicate with others, people try to form a certain image in their heads for everyone around them.
For example, Sasha talked with Masha and concluded that she is an honest, kind, sincere girl. As soon as she changes her behavior, or acts in a way that Petya doesn’t want, he will have thoughts like: “That’s it, Masha is bad, I’m disappointed in her.”
This example slightly exaggerated, it considers simplest situation which may arise. Just to make it clear how images of others are formed.
Returning to the relationship between a man and a woman, when cheating occurs. Moreover, it doesn’t matter from which side it happened, the scheme is the same. People meet, communicate, get to know each other better. In the future, they develop certain feelings towards each other, and the result of all this can be intimate intimacy. And the most important thing is that everyone develops a certain image of a partner, which may not even fully correspond to reality.
Let us consider the very basis of the manifestation of jealousy: a person has certain fantasies in which the object of his sympathy finds himself in non-existent, fictitious situations. But this didn’t really happen, did it? No. Then why invent all this? Maybe you should talk to your loved one about this topic, instead of inventing something that doesn’t exist?
Because sometimes we can come up with a lot in our imagination. And it's much easier than agreeing to straight Talk. Therefore, the main answer to the question “How to stop being jealous?” The simple answer is: change your attitude towards the situation. There is no need to come up with non-existent images, and then sit and worry that something imagined might happen. In general, a lot can happen in life. For example, an earthquake, flood or something else. And if you imagine all this every day, you can simply go crazy.
The basis of jealousy, as a rule, is not love, but a manifestation of one’s own ego. We want someone who lives up to our expectations. And people are sometimes completely different. And it will be very important to accept them as they are. Therefore, you should not make scandals and break dishes if your lover just said hello to someone or your beloved smiled at someone. Again, this example is exaggerated to make it clearer.
In conclusion, it is worth saying the following: if you really want to forget about the feeling of jealousy, learn to control your emotions and stop inventing non-existent situations. This only drives you into a dead end. Know how to accept people as they are!
Today I'll tell you how to get rid of jealousy in relation to your husband, wife, parents, children or friends. Why are people jealous of their husbands and their girlfriends? Their wives to unknown men? Your parents to other children? Where does jealousy come from?
Reasons for jealousy:
- First, jealousy comes from fear. Fear of losing what you love.
- Secondly, it grows out of lack of confidence in oneself, in one’s own (other, child, anyone). Uncertainty that your partner loves you and will not choose you over another person who will be better than you.
- Thirdly, jealousy is a consequence of a possessive attitude towards your partner. The desire to have a monopoly on his personal life, to interfere in all his affairs.
- Fourthly, this quality can grow from any other complexes and fears.
What did we not see in the list of reasons causing jealousy? Love! Jealousy does not stem from love, its basis is fear. Constant outbursts of jealousy only interfere with love and turn relationships into a series of suffering and mistrust.
How to overcome jealousy? How to eliminate the causes of this feeling?
1. Get rid of everything that doesn't serve your love.
During attacks of jealousy, many people play spy games. They constantly check outgoing calls on their spouse’s phone, try to catch the smell of perfume from his jacket, call him every hour to make sure that he has met with his friends and is not visiting his mistress, forbid him to communicate with representatives of the opposite sex, etc. .d. In short, they keep their partner on a short leash. At the same time, they don’t even think about where this feeling leads them.
Subconsciously, people may feel that they are solving some problem that serves the interests of a healthy relationship. After all, spouses should love each other and should not cheat with other women and men, they think. And therefore, they need to constantly be confident in the fidelity of their partner and do everything to fuel this confidence, even if this causes a wave of mistrust, negative emotions and quarrels over empty reasons. Thus, jealousy gets the green light.
People are accustomed to the fact that love and jealousy go hand in hand, and many of them have learned to come to terms with the fact that jealousy has become a full participant in their relationships.
But in fact, paranoia, which appears on the basis of jealousy, does not at all serve the goals of love and harmonious life together, but only poisons love. Jealousy, as well as actions caused by jealousy, do not solve problems, but create them.
Think about what your endless outbursts of jealousy will lead to? You are so afraid of lies, but you yourself shroud your relationships in an atmosphere of mistrust. You are so scared of losing your partner, but at the same time, you are trying to control his every move, blaming him, creating prohibitions, swearing, screaming, suspecting...
Does this create the basis for loved ones, trusting, healthy and long relationship? The irony of jealousy (and indeed many other feelings based on fear) is that, because of your fear, you only bring closer what you are so afraid of! Mistrust and paranoia ultimately make the relationship more fragile and distance you from your partner.
The next time you feel jealous and want to yell at your husband or check his phone, ask yourself how these actions can help your relationship? How will this help your love? How can this prevent the occurrence of those things (loss of a partner, breakup of a relationship) that you are so afraid of?
If your answer to all three questions is “No way” or “It will only get in the way,” then give your jealousy the color red.
This alone will certainly not help you completely get rid of this feeling. But the first step on the path to getting rid of negative emotions is to realize that you don’t need these emotions, that they only bother you.
Rid your relationship of what does not serve the interests of love!
2. Eliminate your fears
Naturally, we don’t want to think about what we are afraid of. For example: “What if I lose my job? I don’t even want to think about it!” As strange as it may sound, our fears have power over us precisely because we do not want to think about what will happen when the fear comes true.
Of course, you will not agree with me and object: “No matter how it is! I constantly think about what I'm afraid of. I imagine how bad it will be for me when my loved one leaves me, and what terrible feelings I will experience.”
But you don't think about what happens next. You only think about negative emotions at the moment of realization of your fear. Try to mentally move beyond this limit, even if you yourself do not want to think about the future.
Think: “What will happen a year after we break up? What will happen in five years? The first few months must be tough for me. But then I’ll start to come to my senses a little. After some time, I will have a new relationship, maybe it will be even better than this one.”
(This is by no means the most best scenario! Perhaps your relationship will live even after betrayal! I will talk about this in the last paragraph of this article.)
Not as scary as you thought at the beginning, right? Be realistic! Try to scroll through these pictures in your mind. Think about how you will get out of this situation, how you will move on with your life, and not about how bad you will feel when your fear comes true!
You shouldn't get too attached to what you have. IN this moment You may feel that your relationship with this person is the most important thing in your life. But this is partly an illusion and deception. It is difficult for people to think in terms of their entire life and they sometimes greatly overestimate the role of what they have now.
This idea may not be entirely intuitive. You ask me: “how is it not worth getting too attached to something? I am attached to what I love: my children, my family, my work, my purpose. This forms the basis of my existence! Are you suggesting that I become indifferent to the things that I love?”
No, I only suggest that you stop experiencing painful attachment, which brings nothing but suffering and fear.
If you love your husband very much, but constantly live in fear that your relationship may end, are you happy? Do you get satisfaction from such relationships? Don't think. The fear of losing this relationship in the future makes you unhappy. But the fact that you have them in the present does not make you happy, because you are constantly afraid and only think about the future!
Strong attachments give rise to fear of loss. And fear of loss prevents you from enjoying the present moment.
Not feeling strong affection does not mean not loving. Not experiencing strong attachment means being more relaxed about the fact that nothing lasts forever, being realistic. Be prepared for anything. And be able to enjoy what you have now.
3. Stop comparing
“What if he finds a more worthy woman than me, more intelligent, more beautiful!”
“There are so many men around her, more beautiful and successful than me, there is no chance that our relationship can survive.”
These disturbing thoughts are familiar to many. You begin to compare yourself to others of the same sex and become fearful of competition. But men and women are not some kind of goods on the love market!
Relations between people are not always similar to commodity-money relations, within which preferences are formed solely on the basis of the properties of the “product”: attractiveness, success, intelligence, etc. Rather, it is more like the attitude of the owner of capital, in fact, to capital. This is also not the most successful analogy, but it is closer.
I want to say that your relationship now is not the same as it was when it first began. Maybe when you first met your partner, you were bound by mutual attraction.
But, as the relationship develops, a certain “capital” is formed, something more than just attraction and passion, enhanced visual appeal and success. This capital is accumulated over the years, as both subjects of the relationship understand each other more and more deeply, as they jointly find solutions to their problems and draw conclusions from their mistakes, as they overcome the next difficulty that stands in their way...
And this capital is too valuable. It cannot be so easily exchanged for something else. In short, your partner loves you not only for your qualities, but for everything that you had with him. Or maybe he loves you for something else that you yourself are not aware of. And this is what allows you to be preferred to more successful and attractive people.
“Okay,” you say. “What if our relationship is not like “building up joint moral capital.” They just collapse. It seems to me that nothing connects us both anymore.”
Then move on to the next point.
4. Improve your relationships
Spend more time with your partner. Find out his wishes. Show him care and trust. Try to work together to decide family problems. Talk about your difficulties. Become more attractive to each other. Add variety. And develop your relationship without stopping there!
I'm not going to give it here detailed instructions to improve relationships. This will be the topic of a separate article. What I want to say here is that the fidelity of spouses to each other is not a derivative of surveillance, suspicion and mistrust. This is the result of a strong, reliable, satisfying relationship.
If during your surveillance of your husband you do not find any evidence of infidelity, then this will not help eliminate your jealousy; after some time it will flare up again. But when you become more confident in your relationship, when you and your partner surround each other with trust, only then will you have fewer reasons to be jealous.
In order to eliminate the very feeling of jealousy, as well as the reasons for its occurrence (betrayal), you need to strive to develop relationships, and not turn them into a spy novel and a soap opera at the same time!
Recently I was thinking about why total state control is present, as a rule, in underdeveloped countries. It seems to me that this happens for the reason that countries with great economic problems have only one way to instill patriotism and keep their residents within the country. This method is to lie, organize surveillance and create bans, including a ban on leaving the country. The love and devotion of the inhabitants of this country to the state is based on fear and deception.
But states with good economies and social conditions do not need to resort to dictatorship. A person will not flee this country if given the opportunity. Because he loves his state for what it provides to its residents good conditions for life and takes care of them. Nobody forces him to “love”. Therefore, this feeling arises sincerely.
You can easily apply this analogy to your relationships. It is necessary to create an atmosphere of love and trust in your family, to acquire joint “love capital” and thereby reduce the risk of “emigration of your spouse” to another family. This is better than achieving this through bans and surveillance.
5. Curb your imagination
Your husband is late at work. And now pictures come to your mind in which he is having fun with other women. But don’t rush to let your imagination run wild. If you continue to imagine this, it will be difficult for you to disentangle yourself from these thoughts and listen to reasonable arguments when they come to your mind.
These fantasies deprive you of the ability to soberly assess the situation. Therefore, if you have noticed attacks of paranoia due to your partner’s betrayal, then take it as a rule: “ the first thought is the wrong thought, until she proves otherwise."
This, one might say, presumption of guilt impulsive thoughts. This principle really helps me cope with many emotions and see the situation as it is, and not as my momentary feelings try to present it.
Therefore, throw all these fantasies out of your head for a while. You will pay attention to them later. To start, . All the same, as long as you are overwhelmed with worry and anxiety, nothing worthwhile will come to your mind.
So turn your attention to something else. Don't let him get caught up in these fantasies. Start thinking about the problem only when you realize that you have calmed down and your anxiety does not attract all your thoughts to their “negative pole”. Then you will be able to assess the situation soberly. Maybe you will realize that your fears were in vain. But perhaps they will be confirmed. But before you think about it, you should calmly analyze the situation in reality, and not get carried away by your fantasies.
6. Stop living only your partner's life.
Often the reason for jealousy is the obsession of one of the partners with the life of the other. It happens that this happens because one of the partners does not have his own personal interests and his own personal life. And he has no choice but to live the life of another.
This applies not only to jealousy, but also to excessive control on the part of parents (usually mothers) over children. Understand that your control, your anxiety, your endless interference in someone's life will not make either you or the person in whose life you are interfering happier!
To avoid this, add some variety to your life. and your passion. This should never be a reason for you to ignore your partner or child because of your new hobbies. Not at all! Let this be a reason for you to realize that there is more to life than your husband or your children.
At the same time, allow your partner (or son, daughter) to live some other life besides family life. Leave him room to communicate with friends, colleagues and even people of the opposite sex! Show your partner that you trust him, give him some freedom, don't try to explore every inch of his life and don't squeeze it in a vise of control.
It will also help you feel less attached to your relationship because you will have something else to do! Therefore, you will be less afraid of loss and suffer less!
7. Do the opposite
Do the opposite of that, what jealousy pushes you to do. If you see your wife talking to a man you don't know at a party, instead of leering angrily at this man and then making a scandal with your wife, go up and politely introduce yourself to this man! Maybe you will find out that this is just a work colleague whom your wife met and whom she simply could not pass by for reasons of tact. And you will understand how absurd your jealousy was.
8. Be candid! Don't play games
Stop all these spy games and hidden doubts! If something is bothering you, ask your partner directly! Just don't do it in the form of a scandal! Calmly tell him about all your suspicions and see what he answers.
But before talking about this with your partner, it would not hurt you to evaluate for yourself how justified your suspicions are.
After all, many people lead hidden game“and act on the sly only because they subconsciously understand that all their doubts are absurd and ridiculous and it would be ridiculous to tell another about their paranoia.
Therefore, preparing for such a conversation will help you not only speak directly about your concerns and reach out to new level trust (if you understand that the conversation should take place), but also check whether your fears are real or just the result of unbridled imagination.
9. Trust your partner
I have already spoken about trust more than once in this article, but I think this issue is quite important, so I raise it as a separate paragraph. Trust is a prerequisite for healthy and strong relationships. Think about it, do you have a reason not to trust your partner?
I'm not saying that no one has such a reason. But it often happens that we begin to suspect our partner, not because he did not justify our trust, but only because we ourselves experience fear and self-doubt. Jealousy, in this case, is not based on anything in reality, but stems only from our personal feelings.
Why not try to trust your partner then? Stop seeing deception in his every word and cast aside your endless suspicions. Of course, suspicions will not always be unfounded. But try to trust your soulmate and not suspect him of something bad for at least a month, no matter how he behaves and no matter what he does.
If your concerns remain with you, then something probably needs to change in your relationship. But it is quite possible that you will understand how ridiculous your fears were and will see how faith in your partner transforms your relationship and makes you happier. And you will want to stay with this trust forever...
10. Be willing to forgive
I don't want people to take some of my advice as a way to come to terms with obvious problems in the family and get rid of jealousy for which there is a reason. Maybe things really aren’t going so smoothly for you and your partner is systematically cheating on you. And this is told to you not by your paranoia and fear, but by established facts. (It's hard to deny this when your husband is constantly disappearing somewhere, coming in late at night and smelling of perfume.)
In this case, it is better not to deny obvious things, not to suppress attacks of jealousy, and try to do something about your relationship. I've always been a proponent of trying to fix what happened, forgive the person, and start over before taking drastic action. This is what I advise you too.
Cheating is not always an indicator of your spouse's lack of love for you. Sometimes people cheat, simply because they are not restrained in sex, but continue to love you. Sometimes they do this because their ego craves new victories. love front, but at the same time they continue to love you. Sometimes this happens because a person succumbs to passion, but continues to love you. Sometimes this is a consequence of a person’s momentary weakness, his mistake, for which he can be forgiven.
Betrayal is not as terrible as your imagination and your feelings make it seem to you. But if this happens, be prepared to experience it together and move on. This is not the end of life.
If you know that you are able to forgive a person. That they are able to start trusting him again, after all his actions. That cheating will not be the end of your relationship. That you can change and improve your life together together, preventing such cases from reoccurring in the future. Then you won't be so afraid of it. Then you will have much less reason to be jealous!
But this requires the trust of both spouses. And their desire to develop relationships!
