How to say no without feeling guilty. How to say yes without fear and no without guilt. How to easily refuse and say "No" - simple ways

Our entire environment encourages us when we make concessions and compromises. A work colleague asked to fill in on Saturday as it was his father's birthday. The boss asked me to work overtime. Relatives asked to postpone business and go somewhere to unwind. We are all in Everyday life We are facing similar requests. And to agree with everything that is asked of you is very attractive. They will say about you that you are good, trouble-free, and so on. And between the case and time, all the thankless work will be dumped on you, because you cannot say no.

Saying no to a boss or colleague without guilt is hard. It is even more difficult to refuse some things to people close to you - friends, relatives and good acquaintances. To learn how to say no without guilt, you need to understand what will be behind your constant agreement.

STAY WITH A BROKEN TRUCK

Every time you agree to put your business on hold to help the same co-workers, you are putting your business, your career, and your projects aside. If you have your own small business, then you put off your clients for later. And there is nothing shameful in sometimes putting a bolt on your business and helping in something. Problems arise if it becomes an unhealthy habit. When every day you are led by other people's proposals, ideas and attend every event that you could only be interested in.

Are you ashamed to say "no" because you want to show yourself to everyone good guy. But in practice, you harm your interests. And you realize it when a year will pass, and everything that you planned a year ago - remained plans on paper.

If you say no to your boss, no one in their right mind will fire you. Especially if the request is not related to your direct duties. Having replaced a work colleague, do not expect your karma to grow. On the contrary, if you strictly protect your work or personal time from external encroachments, you will be more productive at work and you will only be more respected for this, and this will naturally lead to career advancement.

Are you ready to sacrifice your tasks for the sake of your colleague's tasks? Ethically, you should help. But I wouldn't expect gratitude in return. Rather, there will be a bandwagon at the most inopportune moment for this.

I used to be the one who never refused requests. But over time, the realization came that I owe nothing and I can only agree to requests if I really can afford it. And if I can't afford it, then I don't do it. Saying no without feeling guilty is not that hard. Approach each request consciously. Do you really need to do it? Or maybe someone is just trying to impose their position on you and pass it off as your desire?

This topic is extremely interesting. It would be interesting to hear your case studies, how you said "no" and what came of it.

I often hear from friends and clients that it happens it's very hard to say no: it is difficult to refuse any persistent petitioner. And it seems that you don’t want to do what they ask, and because of this you have to somehow limit yourself or change your plans, or some kind of situation at work will develop, which is inconvenient ... but still, the tongue does not turn to refuse.

What is a weakness of character? Low self-esteem? Desire to please everyone? Inability to defend your opinion?

No. More precisely, the reasons can be different: someone is convinced that he will offend the petitioner with his refusal, someone feels he is initially obliged to this person, someone thinks that the manifestation of aggression is indecent.

Some don't even understand why “I always do everything to the detriment of myself and feel like complete crap". When it comes to unwanted requests in a working relationship, there are so many complexities involved, one feeling "he is my boss" what is it worth.

Although it happens the other way around: subordinates hang their requests on the leader. And he takes them and sits with them until the neurosis of the evening in the office.

On the same subject:

Let's drop the options right away when you you can and want respond to the request, that is, the request is appropriate for you, justified, environmentally friendly (in the sense that you are able to actually fulfill it, and you don’t need to fly to Mars).

It only applies to cases where you you do not want comply with this request. Well don't you want again to lend money, especially since they gave it twice before, and so far you have not seen this money back. Well, you don’t want to take your neighbor’s cat for a week while the neighbor is away. You don’t want to do this work again, which your colleague should actually do, but it seems like you don’t want to spoil your relationship with her, so you’ll harness it again. That's what it's about.

How to say "no" and not feel guilty?

• Firstly, it is a delusion that “no” is unjustified aggression, pettiness, resentment for others. To be precise, "no" is: personality, freedom, employment, physical body, eventually. Imagine for a moment this analogy: state border. On it periodically go back and forth border guards with dogs and machine guns. There may be some surveillance going on. Somewhere there is a checkpoint, somewhere there is barbed wire. And then suddenly an attack from the outside: a group of armed persons is trying to cross the border. The actions that are being taken to stop them - is this unjustified aggression towards violators? Is it petty? Is it embarrassing for them? It is clear that it is not.

Another thing is that you can place these border guards, dogs, checkpoints through every centimeter, wrap everything with barbed wire, scatter mines along the entire border, and God forbid, some bird flew or the wind blew - just half a day shooting and explosions. So no one will ever get to you. So you will sit alone.

Can be in preventive purposes periodically set dogs on passers-by or conduct military exercises in the direction of other states, test new bombs on their territory. So they will be afraid of you and are also unlikely to show up, because they are reluctant to be friends with you. I'm not talking about such options now. If someone needs to protect himself so much, or vice versa, so check the protection of others - please, I'm not talking about that. I'm talking about a normal, democratic such, the coexistence of neighboring states on equal conditions when one of the states tries to use the resources of another state, and it - Against this.

• Secondly, you refuse not personally to the person, but to his request. Separate these two concepts. Here again, let's imagine your colleague comes and says: give me, please, a thousand before the salary? You never know for what reasons you do not want to lend her money. Remember that in fact, you have nothing against this colleague, she is a nice girl with her cockroaches (and who doesn’t have them), but I don’t want to give her money. So refuse this request. Not a girl.
• Thirdly, no need to apologize or justify. You can explain your position, but you should not apologize and make excuses. “Sorry that we can’t let you in,” the border guards say, looking down guiltily. “We would love to let you in…but we are on a leash and muzzled…Sorry. We will definitely next time. Forgive me, please, ”the dogs say, lowering their muzzles guiltily. And a group of armed comrades, meanwhile, quietly makes their way deep into the depths, remembering that such mums live here. And how to explain without making excuses - “I can’t help you with this project now, because I have a meeting in half an hour and I need to prepare.” Or: “I can’t lend you money, because I already gave it twice, you haven’t returned it yet.” Or “I can’t go to the bar with you because I want to go home, I’m tired and I have a lot to do at home.”
• Fourth, do not overestimate the possible damage from your refusal. They didn’t let a group of armed persons into the territory, they went to their place, poor things, fell to the ground, broke their weapons, cried, and never, never came to you again. Or they stopped considering you as their friend. (Seriously? And before that, when they were going to take advantage of you, they really best friend considered? Out of friendly motives, they ask for money, something like: “I’ll help my friend now, I’ll ask him for a loan, but I won’t give it back.”)
• Fifth, when you say "no" do not show with your body that "yes". "No entry!" the border guards shouted, pointing with their hands and head where they could safely walk past them. No, no, no, and no need to nod your head at the same time.

Techniques for saying “no” to an annoying requester:

• Rephrase the request(“Do you want me to go to Ikea with you on Saturday and help you choose a closet?”). This will give you time to consider whether you want to comply with this request or not. In addition, you thereby let the requester understand that you have heard and understood his request. I mean, you obviously don't care. If you can’t decide right now, take your time, say you’ll call back, come back later, think about it in the evening, etc.
• If it's for work try to thank that you have been contacted. "Thank you for coming to me specifically with this problem." This will help you give the impression that you are actually responsive and considerate to others.
• After paraphrasing and thanking, you probably already understood by this time whether you want to do it or not. If you don't want, justify why: desires, opportunities, preferences. Aloud. “I’m going to go to the dacha on Saturday, so I won’t have time to go to Ikea with you.” "Last time I helped you on this project, I came home very late at night, I don't want to do this anymore." If you still don’t understand, whether you want to meet halfway or not: see paragraph one of the technical methods.
• Just say "no". "Then no".

If the situation is hopeless and you have to agree, despite all your desires-preferences-gratitude-opportunities:

• Define the frames. “Yes, I will do this report for you, but this last time, I do not want any more." “Yes, I will give you money, but not a thousand, but five hundred, I don’t have more.”

Homework: Try to work out with someone in pairs. Let this person play the role of a "beggar" and let him try to you different variants: threats, blackmail, pleading, whining, trading, fawning, fawning, and you try to resist and answer "no". Some options will seem easy to you, and some difficult - and focus on them.

Do you find it almost impossible to say "no" to someone for any reason without feeling guilty? If you are hardly able to say "no" to someone - the boss, or another important person- and not feel disgusting after that, then you should work hard on correct definition priorities: your needs should matter more than others. You should say "yes" when you understand that you can complete the task, that it is within your power, or even if you just need to help a friend. But if you always say "yes" just because you're afraid to say "no", then it's time to take action and take matters into your own hands, freeing yourself from guilt. If you want to know how - just follow the following tips.

Steps

Meditate

Realize that you can't do absolutely everything. Your bad habit of saying "yes" to everyone has probably led to the fact that you do not have time for yourself at all. You've probably said "yes" to a friend asking for help with a bake sale, "yes" to a boss who needs help managing a project, "yes" to a friend who's redecorating their home. In the future, you can avoid such situations by starting to say "no".

• It doesn't matter why you can't handle everything - whether you've said "yes" to too many people, or other obligations of yours are to blame. busy life, understand for yourself: it is impossible to say "yes" when it does not seem right to you.

1. Understand that you are not selfish. One of the biggest reasons people can't say no without feeling guilty is that they think they're being selfish by paying more attention to themselves and turning away people who need their help. But if you were selfish, you would think only of yourself and not feel guilty for such rejections.

   • Understand that you are not being selfish, and if someone decides that you are selfish, just do not do something - you should not communicate with this person.
   • Remember all those times when you told people "yes" - well, what's so selfish about it?

2. Understand that it is impossible to please everyone. It is simply impossible to please everyone and everyone who surrounds you, sometimes you need to draw a line. You may feel like you're upsetting someone by saying "no" and thereby losing their respect, but sometimes the truth is just the opposite. If a person thinks that you answer "yes" to any request, he simply begins to use you to fulfill his whims.

   • You can help those who are dear to you from time to time, but it is unrealistic to help everyone and always - think sensibly.

3. Think of everything you say "yes" to when you say "no"." Don't take the word "no" as something negative. When you say no additional work, you say "yes" to a lot of interesting activities that will bring you much more benefit. If you think about all these much more pleasant things, then the feeling of guilt will not weigh you down so much. Here are some of them:

   • you say yes more time spent with family, friends and loved ones instead of doing things you don't like.
   • You say yes to maintaining your peace of mind, "me time," and time for hobbies and things that interest you.
   • You say "yes" more calm and measured life, the center of which is what is important for you, and not for someone else.
   • You say yes to normal employment instead of burying yourself in piles of paperwork and extra hours of work because you can't let anyone down.

4. Understand why it's so hard for you to say no. From the fact that you are afraid that they will stop talking to you? From the fact that you do not want to look like an indifferent person? When you know exactly why it is so hard for you to refuse someone, it is much easier for you to take the situation under rational control.

   • If you are afraid to say "no" because after that the person will no longer treat you well, then your relationship is clearly problematic - it is better to end it as soon as possible.

5. Recognize certain tricks people use to get you to say yes.. If you can understand all the tricks that people use to manipulate you into saying "yes" when you want to say "no", then it will become much easier to refuse - you will understand that the person is simply controlling your actions. Here are some common ways:

   • Intimidation: The bully insists that you must do something, in a rather dishonest and even aggressive way. You can put such a person in his place simply by maintaining composure and ignoring his anger.
   • Whine: Whine will complain about how hard it is for him until you break down and offer your help, even if he did not ask for help. Instead, change the subject, or walk away from the conversation, or simply sympathize but don't agree to help.
   • Accusation: Some may try to accuse you of being never don't help, or never don't get in position. Calmly recall the times when you helped this person, and refuse his request. This time it's different.
   • Flattery: A flatterer may start to admire you for how smart and wonderful you are, and then ask for help with something. Do not be fooled by his sweet words and do not agree just because you were flattered.

   Be smart

   1. Speak in a calm, even voice. Speak in the same tone as when you ask to call someone to the phone. Let your mind be clear, confident and calm. When you speak in an agitated, embarrassed, or frustrated manner, the other person senses these weaknesses and tries to pressure you. When you are calm, the interlocutor understands that your words are justified, and it is completely normal that sometimes you refuse requests.

      • If you do not raise your voice and do not whine, then the interlocutor will be much more willing to accept your point of view.

   2. Learn authoritative sign language. Stand up straight and keep your arms straight, or gesticulate to draw more attention to your words. Install eye contact with the interlocutor, when you say "no" to him, so that he understands that you are completely serious. Do not fuss and do not fiddle with jewelry, otherwise it will betray your indecision regarding the decision made. Do not close yourself from the interlocutor and do not cross your arms over your chest - it looks like you are unhappy decision and you can be convinced.

   3. Don't overdo your apologies. If you're sorry you can't get the job done, saying "I'm sorry" is enough, but the more you apologize, the less resolute it sounds. The person may think that they still have a chance to beg you to do something, and you will only expose yourself as a weak person who regretted not taking the job. If you apologize too many times, it will look like you are doing something wrong, which is completely useless.

      • Don't say, "I'm really, really sorry I can't walk your dog next weekend. I'm terribly, terribly uncomfortable."
      • Instead, say, "I'm sorry, but I won't have time to walk your dog next weekend."

   4. Explain why you cannot do this. Brief explanation help the person understand why you denied their request. You should not go into details, one or two sentences is enough for the interlocutor to understand everything. You don't have to lie or make excuses. Just be honest. Here are some reasons why you can't do things:

      • "I can't finish the project tonight as I need to complete the report by midnight."
      • "I won't be able to take you to the dentist tomorrow because my husband and I will be celebrating an anniversary."
      • "I won't be able to come to your party because I have an exam the next morning."

   5. Offer your interlocutor alternative options. If you still feel guilty about the rejection and genuinely want to help the person, try offering them other options to solve the problem. If you can really help, but in a different way, don't be afraid to say so, it might be better for both of you. Here are some examples of suggesting an alternative:

      • "I can try to finish the project tomorrow, but only if you can help call some of my clients this morning."
      • "Maybe I can lend you my car tomorrow so you can go to the doctor? I don't need it tomorrow anyway."
      • "I won't be able to come to your party, but I'd really like to meet on the weekend when I pass an important exam. How about having lunch together? I really want to know your opinion."

"No" is one of the most short words in any language, but it is most often difficult to pronounce it. Psychologist Ellen Hendriksen, Ph.D., explains why each of us should learn to say no without feeling guilty when we refuse, and offers seven easy ways to turn down burdensome requests.

Each of us has been in this situation: you are overwhelmed with your own affairs, but then a magic call comes from a friend, or an e-mail comes from a partner, or a colleague just comes up to you asking you to do something for him/her/them. Asking for a "little favor". You would be happy to help, but only your short century, it seems, is not even enough to clean up at least your own affairs, let alone those of others.

Sometimes we say yes because the offer promises us relaxation, new emotions, or other bonuses. However, more often than not, we experience nothing but disappointment: we feel bad, we feel obligated, offended, or we feel that we are under pressure. And when we are forced to say no, we are almost guaranteed to feel guilty.

Doctor philosophical sciences, psychologist and author of the Savvy Psychologist blog Ellen Hendricksen, who herself often finds herself in such situations, wrote a short note for Quickanddirtytips.com, where she explained why everyone should learn to say “no” without feeling guilty, and suggested mastering 7 simple ways failure. We invite you to familiarize yourself with this small, but useful list written not without a share of irony.

How to learn to say "no" and not feel guilty

Let's start with why you shouldn't feel guilty when you have to say no! First, guilt is an emotion that occurs when you do something wrong. If you have hurt someone, it is appropriate to feel guilty. When you say no, it can create some additional hassle for the person you are refusing, because now they have to ask someone else or otherwise rethink the situation - but all this is far from causing pain and harm.

To make this more visual, imagine a flowchart in which the word "no" simply sends someone in a different direction. Humans are purposeful and creative beings. If you tell them no, they will reorient themselves and take a different path. You are not Obi Wan Kenobi - it rarely happens that one person is someone's only hope. There are almost always other options that can bring the right benefit to those who need it.

Second, we often feel guilty because we not only think we are hurting the other person, but we expect them to retaliate. We think, “She will hate me,” “He will be angry,” or “I will be fired.” Our brain plays out the worst-case scenario. Instead, let's take a step back and look at other, much more likely possibilities that our brain misses, immediately focusing on the most negative scenario.

Ask yourself - what could be more likely scenario? Perhaps the one who asks you for something will be disappointed at first, but will understand you and get help somewhere else. Or let's better generate the most likely scenario this way: what happens when someone says no to you? You start to rage, you burst blood vessels and starts foaming at the mouth? I think no. So why this double standard? It is reasonable to expect others to react in exactly the same way as you - that is, it is quite reasonable.

So, here are 7 ways to say “no!”:

Method #1: Suggest an alternative.

This is the easiest way to say no. Decline the request, but offer a consolation prize. "My schedule just won't let me proofread my dissertation before the right time, but here's a link to a great article about the top five dissertation writing mistakes to avoid. Just make sure you don't offer an alternative purely out of guilt; your goal is to try to be really helpful to the questioner, not just to feel less guilty.

Method #2: Engage empathy when you say no.

Showing that you actually heard and understood the person's request will help them feel better, even if you ultimately can't do anything for them. Confirm that he is doing his best or that he is dealing with a challenging task. For example, “You do your best to make a great wedding for your sister; I would love to take over the organization to free your hands, but right now I just can't."

Method #3: Refer to something objective.

Explain your unavailability due to your schedule, workload, other responsibilities, or other external objective circumstances that are beyond your control. And, to avoid embarrassment during the continuation of the question “Are you busy this week? Then what about the next one?", add "I'll let you know if anything changes."

Method #4: Refer to something subjective.

In the same vein as you bring external circumstances, use internal subjective factors that affect you. For example, refer to your taste, skills, style. For example, "I'm going to refuse to host this event, because being on stage is just not for me."

Method number 5: Wrap refusal compliment.

Say "no", but in a way that this "no" is a compliment for someone who asks you for something. "Thank you for thinking of me" or "I appreciate the opportunity you gave me and for asking me in the first place." Personally, I try to do this when fundraisers stop me on the street - I only sometimes donate, but I always tell them what they are doing. important work and wish them good luck.

Method number 6: Stick to your arguments, do not lose vigilance.

We've come to more advanced tips. Some loved ones will pressure you and ask for more than once, or will pester you to try until you are completely tired (some of these loved ones may not be more than 10 years old; two such creatures live in my house) .

In such cases, it's okay to use the classic broken record technique - just give the same answer over and over again. This does not mean that you are soulless - you can empathize with them, embrace them, but you must not allow your answer to transform from "no" to "maybe" and - in the end - to "Well, okay, just once and "Fine, let's do it again." Just stick to the original - "no".

Method #7: Say "no" without apologizing.

This is the last lesson about "no". Just like guilt, apology occurs when you do something wrong. It may seem that there is too much space between the lack of apology and rudeness. a fine line but trust me, a softly said "no" can be both kind and polite. The questioner won't even miss that "I'm so sorry" of yours. For example, "What a great idea to make jewelry self made for a reunion! However, it should be noted that I am not a woman. But I can make good sangria.” Ta-dam! No apology is required.

Final tip: Make your "no" quick and clear. Don't delay your answer by saying what you will think about it, by saying "maybe" or by saying "yes" and then "no". You may feel like saying no is wrong, but in the long run, a clear, timely response is more polite and truly in the best interest of the person asking you for something.

For those of us who like to think that we can do anything, the ability to say "no" can seem like too much of a disadvantage. But we don't have to be supermoms, jack-of-all-trades, or "you-can-always-count-on-me" personas for our friends. And when we don't try to do all this, we get our bonuses: time, energy, and - most importantly - respect.