Question for a psychologist:
Hello! I have been living with my husband for a little less than 3 years. We got married because of pregnancy, before that we only met sometimes on weekends to spend time together. Both were free and passionate about work. Then I thought that our relationship had no future, we were so different. But our child brought us together, I didn’t tell him for a long time, because I didn’t want to and was afraid of rejection, but he immediately took me as his wife and everything seemed to be fine. By the time the child was born, my husband did not have a job, I supported as best I could, worked part-time, borrowed money, etc. I believed in good things. That now if I support him, then he will then respect me for it and spend money on me. Then a job was found, and I was left alone at home with the child. I felt very lonely, lacked attention and it was hard, because gradually all the things/concerns fell on me (my project, fixing the car, purchasing and preparing food, organizing the house, finding contractors for repairs, etc.) and at the same time the baby too was with me. Previously, I was always a very active and sociable person, I studied a lot, worked, and made friends. And then I sat at home, I live far away, I had little contact with friends - my world became just a baby. I started whining that I didn’t have enough attention, that it was hard for me. And now I’ve been whining for 2 years. I myself am not happy about it, but I can’t do it any other way and I don’t know what to do. Please help me. My husband goes to work at 6 and returns at 23, he makes films, and really loves what he does. But when he gets home, he no longer wants anything. For weeks, one day off, when I need to feed him, let him sleep, not touch him, etc. During the times when he has breaks, I really look forward to them.... But the last break has begun, 2 days to sleep, 1 day to a corporate event, 2 days to recover. And I’m still waiting for attention and slowly starting to break down. Then everything develops into a scandal, the meaning of which is: I don’t have enough attention, I want to be happy. He told me: You whine, you don’t inspire me, I don’t want anything, and in general, I saw your hair in the bathroom, it irritates me. And I feel unnecessary and guilty. Inside, I begin to convince myself that I don’t need attention, romance, love, that apparently this is my destiny. That it's my fault. I know that all these are traumas from childhood, my mother beat me hard, my parents divorced, and my dad did not protect me from her. I was ashamed to complain and probably he didn’t know what was happening to me. I was ashamed that I was bad, that my mother was not happy with me, called me names and beat me; But there was always another side - a loving and caring father who gave me a world of peace and love on weekends. But he died 15 years ago and all this time I dreamed of getting married and for my husband to wipe away my tears and love me, I dreamed of feeling that world of peace and love; I'm used to taking on a lot of work, responsibility, etc. Complex to be good. On the contrary, my husband grew up very spoiled, he was never insulted and was raised by his mother and 2 sisters. And he will NEVER take on extra work or extra burden, this is what always stopped me from having a relationship with him; I understand that he cannot understand my pain from childhood and my desire to feel loved and protected. I try to explain this to him, but he doesn’t seem to care; When I cry or feel offended, he will never come up and regret it, like my mother did in childhood. And I start to get hysterical, I’m suffocating, I’m very scared and I don’t know where to go, I start thinking feverishly, my only desire is to escape. But there’s nowhere to run yet; you can’t run far with a small child. And when I’m already coming to my senses and getting ready to leave, he comes and says that he can’t do otherwise, that he himself is not pleased with the way he behaves and will try to make me happy. We started saying terrible things to each other, and a few days ago in his hearts he even said that he hated me. Then everything seems to be fine: But the next day he makes fun of me again, makes comments on all occasions and keeps coming back again. I have enough patience for a month and again I begin to suffer from lack of attention. When we got married, I convinced myself of love, of destiny, of Divine provision; It’s probably my own fault that I needed so much attention and care; I guess I don't deserve her. I ask you to help me, again I can’t tell anyone what’s wrong with me, because I’m ashamed again; I always try to save on myself; I earn everything I earn for my family, food, etc. I always try to support him and understand him, but I can’t accept this attitude; I know that order is important to him, I don’t like everyday life, but I try; I neglect myself and my projects for the sake of everyday life, to please him. But he will still find something to pay attention to (And I run around with my wounded soul, trying to convey to him that this is important to me. There was a long period when I simply asked for 15 minutes a day to be given to me, to stroke me, to talk, to lisp me. But he probably never spent 15 minutes on me. There are always reasons not to hug and kiss me. By the way, when we got married, I was 28, I have many relationships behind me (from a year to two, we lived together several times and several times refused to get married), he is 33, he has never lived with a girl, he has only dated a married couple. I understand that he is not experienced, he himself sometimes says: teach me. And when I say directly: for me to be happy, I need to do this and that. He says I'm whining. I can’t be wise and cunning, I read a lot of articles on this subject, but I’m offended by the injustice, by the fact that every person wants to be treated kindly; I understand everything, but I don’t know what to do. I often imagine in my thoughts how I will free myself from it, how I will begin to enjoy life again and will never again wait for someone to come and create happiness and security for me. I really don’t want to get a divorce because I never wanted this. But I want to be happy woman, I want children to see the right family, where love and support reign. Where everything is fair; I save money on myself all the time, but he never does. With the words: I make money. If you need something, come and ask. But I don’t like to ask, and when I do this I often hear from him: I don’t have time, but bad mood something incomprehensible mutters. And in the end I am left with nothing. I lack wisdom, but I have nowhere to learn it. I really wanted to marry a man like my father, but I married someone like my mother; I think he will harass me with his attitude. As if he expects from me the same attitude as from his mother, not to scold. only kiss the ass; And I want to be a woman, at least sometimes to feel protected and loved.
Kartveli psychologist Erika Shalvovna answers the question.
Hello MariYra!
Let's deal with the situation filled with pain, loneliness, mental suffering!
Thank you for your frankness!
First of all, I dare to assure you that trying to find the reason for what is happening in your relationship with your husband, in your parental family(injuries, erroneous attitudes), of course, you clarify a lot for self-understanding, but for mutual understanding with your husband in your reasoning, this is an obstacle, a limitation. After all, you write that it is precisely because of your traumatic experience that your husband will not be able to understand you, because his childhood was prosperous! Do you agree that this is a very artificial division? If a person did not know how to empathize, to imagine himself in the place of another person, then where would acts of charity, heroic deeds, or simply heart-to-heart communication come from? Do you think it is easier for two traumatized people to understand each other? On the contrary, everyone will solve their own problems, wait for support for their unfortunate self, and as a result, resentment and misunderstanding.
Your worries and fears are associated with fatigue from the fact that the world has suddenly become very limited with the birth of your baby. Narrowed down to meeting the household needs of the child and husband. This condition is familiar to many young mothers, which means that it naturally arises in feelings, sensations, thoughts and indicates that a crisis has arrived, that something needs to be changed! And through overcoming your personal growth and ultimately in the family, because even with misunderstandings, YOU are connected to your husband by invisible threads, you are family! Others have succeeded and you can too!
I will follow the flow of your letter, write about how I see and think from the outside. Somewhere, I will ask questions, answering which, the picture of the situation for you will gain volume and it will be easier for you to let go of emotions, reflect and outline a path to resolving the crisis! Yes, the one who is wiser and who is “hurting” begins to “settle” everything. You are a mother and a woman and therefore wiser, you have experience of trauma, and therefore it “hurts” you.
You write: “We got married because of pregnancy, before that we only met sometimes on weekends.”
You are already denying yourself love with this phrase, this is an erroneous opinion! How many men get married after learning about an unplanned pregnancy if they are indifferent to the mother of the unborn baby? And spend the weekend spending time with uninteresting person who will be? For what?
“...I thought that our relationship had no future, we were so different. But our child brought us together, I didn’t tell him for a long time, because I didn’t want to and was afraid of refusal...”
And yet, you made the decision for yourself to give birth anyway? The fears turned out to be in vain, so what? After some time, instead of self-confidence, trust in a close man, again belittling the value of your personality, instead of feelings of thoughts that you can only “earn” love, that you are unworthy of it: “By the birth of the child, my husband did not have a job, I I supported as best I could, worked part-time, borrowed money, etc. I believed in good things. That now if I support him, then he will then respect me for it and spend money on me.”
But this is not true at all! You are worthy of love as a woman, and now as a mother! Thanks to you, the family was born, the New person! I am sure that your husband perceives you this way, and you are trying with all your might to disabuse him of this (by your inability to express your feelings and thoughts constructively, in a way that is easier for a man to accept and understand). By the way, the job was found for a reason, but because my husband really wanted to find it! I was preparing for my new, responsible role as father of the family! You write that you lack attention, it’s hard for you, and your husband is at home only resting on his only day off once a week! The idea that if a man loves, he will definitely try to spend this day in such a way that his beloved feels good is a frequent companion for mothers who are tired of the burden of everyday life. It seems to them that these are obvious things that the husband should understand himself! But that's not true! Understanding appears when we are able to express in words our feelings, desires, needs without reproach, accusations, demands, i.e. without psychological pressure, violence, otherwise the husband will have protection. After all, he sees the devaluation of his own efforts to support his family. Hence the conflict!
Talking in the family requires learning. You need to report what you feel, exactly what you feel, without interpreting or speculating on your husband’s actions. No judgments or accusations. Then you will be heard! For example: “I really want everything to be fine with us!” Not with me personally, but with US dear (husband’s name)!” “I try, and at the same time I feel that over these two years we have grown apart from each other. I feel lonely, I have thoughts that I am missing something, losing something, while others are living an interesting, fulfilling life, building a career! Maybe I'm just tired, maybe I'm wrong somewhere. Let's think together about what can be changed so that our child lives in a family where there is warmth and love? What is needed for that? Maybe these are small surprises (a bouquet of your favorite flowers, a note with with gentle words, an unexpected invitation to go for a walk, where you feel good together, etc.). It helps us feel close, even when we’re not together, because if we do this, it means we’re thinking about each other!”
Learn to listen and hear each other’s opinions and experiences as if you were communicating with a friend who needs your help! This is a start, then a different level of intimacy will come in the relationship, when trust will really raise your relationship to true spiritual closeness!
Would you like to spend a weekend at home, knowing that there will be reproaches, an impartial opinion about your personality with a “bad” rating? It’s a natural desire to avoid this, even if you love a person, but you don’t understand, you don’t realize what’s happening. So, your task is to change your method of communication and inform your husband about your internal troubles, loneliness, and the feeling of a “dead end” in the relationship!
“...when he has breaks, I really look forward to them... But now the last break has begun, 2 days to sleep, 1 day to a corporate event, 2 days to recover. And I’m still waiting for attention and slowly starting to break down.”
As far as I understand, this situation has become the last straw. The stronger the expectation, the deeper the disappointment!
“...everything turns into a scandal, the meaning of which is: I don’t have enough attention, I want to be happy”
Specify your wishes. What needs to be done to make you feel attention? What does it mean to you to be happy? Write in detail, because this is awareness, and therefore goals for certain period time! What can YOU do for this yourself, taking into account the fact that the child is already 2 years old and you gradually need to socialize him? Begin to expand your interests in the free time outside world! Discuss this with your husband!
“He told me: You whine, you don’t inspire me, I don’t want anything and in general...” This is the defense to the charges! “...I saw your hair in the bathroom, it annoys me...” Let this be his only and greatest misfortune in life! Learn to respond to “childish” remarks with humor! You understand that this is due to powerlessness and his own feelings the guilt that you cause in him with your “whining” and troubles. He wants to change, but just like YOU, he doesn’t know how!
“Inside I begin to convince myself that I don’t need attention, romance, love, that apparently this is my destiny. That it's my fault."
Are YOU talking yourself into being unhappy? Unless, of course, the understanding of happiness includes the category of love for you! Don't betray yourself! Try to become a little “bitch” within yourself! Any thoughts about guilt due to someone’s careless word, inattention, redo exactly the opposite! Let it be a game!
“...the next day he makes fun of me again, makes comments on all occasions”
Will the little “bitch” inside you suffer, and not the little defenseless girl who could be humiliated by her mother? No, she’ll just agree with all the accusations! Moreover, she will proudly inform everyone that this is her individuality and that this must now be taken into account! You understand that accusation is a banal manipulation, and the value of your personality will not decrease because of this! Quite the opposite - the value of the one who resorts to such manipulations decreases. This also applies to you! You will begin to communicate on equal terms with your husband, learn to trust him and his attitude will change!
“...there was another side - a loving and caring father, who on weekends gave me a world of peace and love.... he died 15 years ago and all this time I dreamed of getting married and for my husband to wipe away my tears and love me, I dreamed of feeling that world of peace and love.”
Your father’s love, unfortunately, will remain only in your memories; a husband, even the most wonderful one, will never replace him! This is reality, and the sooner you draw the line between what you dreamed and what you have, the fewer complaints you will have against your husband! He doesn't have to live up to his dreams! And YOU don't have to live up to his fantasies! This is respect!
Your father's love, the memory of those warm feelings that YOU experienced will remain with you forever! These are healing memories! Over the years, they will be bright, and not bring regret that a replacement for their father was not found, because this is impossible! And in any case, such a relationship with a husband, built on a parallel with his father, is already traumatic for the husband (even if one were found), since they devalue him as a man, the one and only, and conflict in such couples is very likely.
“I’m used to taking on a lot of work, responsibility, etc. Complex to be good. On the contrary, my husband grew up very spoiled, he was never insulted and was raised by his mother and 2 sisters.”
Perhaps his inner confidence and security attracted you as an opposite from whom you have something to learn? And yes, call it fate, since you are together!
What do you think your father's family was like? What about mothers? Perhaps you are repeating your inability to express your desires and feelings, like your mother? What attracted you to your husband’s stability and calm nature?
“...he cannot understand my pain from childhood and my desire to feel loved and protected. I try to explain this to him, but he doesn’t seem to care.”
Why do you need this understanding? So that he would regret it? This is how any woman wants to be loved and protected, even with a prosperous childhood! YOU are worthy of love without pity, understand? Without pity! WORTHY!
“...I’m crying or I’m offended, he’ll never come and regret it, like my mother did in childhood.”
The mother was sorry because she felt guilty. But your husband does not want to intuitively play out the scenario of your childhood, and that’s right! You are lucky that YOU did not connect your life with a neurotic who would pity and beat, pity and beat!
“...I start to get hysterical, I’m suffocating, I’m very scared and I don’t know where to go, I’m starting to think feverishly, my only desire is to escape.”
Yes, this is a terrible state, resentment pushes you to the most desperate actions! At this moment, all systems of the body are tense, as in moments of danger! If this happens often, then illness is inevitable! We need to deal with this. Self-regulation exercises help with this. Breathing ones are the most effective. I call them an ambulance in such conditions, and in any unpleasant moments! For example this:
1. At the same time: inhale, clench your fingers and mentally imagine the irritating factor. As you exhale, imagine that it is reducing its effect and relax your fingers.
2. Breathe deeply and say “A-o-um.” When pronouncing the sound “a”, the lower lobes of the lungs are filled, “o” - the middle ones, and “um” - the upper ones. Imagine that a stream of air is going into your head, as if enveloping your body in a “spiral” from head to toe.
3. While sitting, inhale slowly through your mouth until your lungs feel full. While holding your breath, slowly repeat: “I am relaxing now.” Exhale through your mouth with the sound “shhh...”.
4. As you inhale, raise your hands and close your eyes, imagine how your body is filled with something light; On a short exhalation, imagine yourself active and cheerful. Opening your eyes, shake your hands and make a face. You can imagine the feeling of cold in your body. Inhale through right nostril for 4 seconds, exhale through your mouth. Gradually lengthen the duration of exhalation from 6 to 10 s. Pause - 2 s
There is also a section on practical methods on our website:
Relax through meditation, relaxation and self-hypnosis. Exercises, techniques.
There are only two rules in personal life that really work. They are suitable for both men and women.
And those who don’t know them are doomed to waste time and nerves on the wrong people.
Rule one. Relationships should be easy.
It should be easy from the very beginning. From the first minutes. A person who immediately feels like old acquaintances suits you Furthermore, which needs to be courted for years.
The guy with whom you are ready to retire in the toilet in fifteen minutes shopping center better than that, to whom you wrote letters for seven years without an answer.
A girl who immediately shows interest in you is better than an unapproachable beauty who needs to be taken to the Bahamas.
Simple means good. Difficult means bad.
This is an axiom. There is no need to prove it. In general, you don’t need to prove anything in a relationship at your own expense.
There is no need to strive for anyone, adapt to anyone or run after anyone. Having done this once, you will do it every day, and in response you will only see a capricious, dissatisfied face.
If it doesn’t work out right away, doesn’t catch fire, doesn’t light up, don’t pull the cat’s tail. That means he’s not your man. Complicated relationships are only suitable for those who are bored and have a lot of free time.
For everyone else, this suffering only spoils the nerves.
You shouldn’t take out difficult relationships on yourself. A relationship in which all you do is dance to someone else's tune is humiliating. Sooner or later, your patience will run out.
Don't let yourself be drawn into difficult relationships.
Rule two, but no less important. Relationships should bring joy.
This statement also does not need proof. As soon as a relationship stops bringing joy and begins to bring disgust, stop this phenomenon in the bud.
Don't get used to showdowns, tears and breaking dishes. Leave long conversations, reproaches, mutual accusations.
It is not normal! This is the path to hell! As soon as joy leaves a relationship, it becomes useless. It would seem that it couldn’t be simpler.
But many people have been chewing the chewed hay of their grievances for years! They occupy their brains with unnecessary squabbles! Do not do this!
As soon as you realize that your words are taking away joy, close your mouth. Disassembly begins - leave.
A person only wants to blame and reproach - don’t let him make you feel guilty. Go away! Relationships are for joy.
All other relationships “for the sake of the children”, “because everyone lives like this”, “out of habit”, “because without her it’s even worse” can simply be taken and thrown into the trash.
In a relationship between a man and a woman, sooner or later there comes a time when a lack of happiness and love begins to be felt. In modern realities, this is an inevitable situation. Why does this happen and what to do about it? The answer is in this article.
Family relationships occupy a rather important place in life. A lot in life depends on what kind of relationships we have. If there is no happiness in a relationship, then, as a rule, there will be no happiness at all.
First you need to understand what happiness is. After all, if we strive for something, then we must know final goal. And the trouble is that most people don’t know what true happiness in a relationship is.
What does true happiness look like in a relationship?
Unfortunately, many people think that happiness in a relationship is when a man and a woman blow away dust from each other, never quarrel, and they always have peace and mutual understanding. Oh yes, I forgot to say about the wild and insatiable sex. Without such sex, for many, relationships have no meaning at all.
What is described above is only a small part of what can bring real happiness and harmony to a relationship. Often all this can be part of the manifestation of falling in love, selfishness and lust.
True happiness in a relationship means that I can accept loved one with all his shortcomings, I take care of him and try not to expect anything in return. This is a sign that we truly love a person and wish him happiness.
When a person reaches such a state, then practically nothing in life can break him. Such a person most likely knows the meaning of life and its most intimate aspects. Without genuine spiritual development this is impossible.
Therefore, if in a relationship you suddenly began to be irritated by your partner’s shortcomings, you stopped respecting him, sex became insipid, etc., then this only means one thing, that you have not even tried to love your loved one and do not know what true love is.
You can become happy in a relationship only if your partner is happy. If a loved one is unhappy, then what kind of happiness can we even talk about?
So one of the most important conditions Happiness in a relationship is the happiness of your loved one. But how can you make him happy? To do this, you need to know what happiness in a relationship is for a man and what for a woman. These are different things, perhaps to your surprise.
Happiness in relationships for women
For a woman it is:
When a man behaves tenderly and caringly towards her, takes responsibility for her, talks to her carefully, does not look at other women, takes her requests and desires seriously, and so on. A woman demands worship for herself and her life. This is the kind of relationship she needs.
All of the above (ideas of happiness for a woman) is very difficult for a man. For example, it is difficult for him to focus all his attention on a woman. A man likes to focus on some social activity.
It is difficult for him to talk to a woman the way she likes. He can talk like this if he has a strong mind, but this is usually not any special happiness for him.
Responsibility for a man is also difficult, because it is much easier for him to be responsible for himself than for a woman - she is unpredictable, and he does not know what to expect from her.
Answer: no. This gradually strains the man and then he may break. How? Starting to drink, or going out, or staying late at work so as not to go home - all this means that the man is broken.
Now about the men.
What is happiness in a relationship for a man?
For a man it is:
When a woman obeys him in everything, agrees, takes care of him, cooks for him. If the wife is not very demanding, this is happiness. As for sex, whenever you want and as much as you want. Happiness for a man is when she is calm and patient, when she has no friends, only girlfriends, when she lives with a family and she is only his wife. That's it, period. Such relationships bring him happiness.
And all this (ideas of happiness for a man) is difficult for a woman.
A woman cannot see her shortcomings in herself, but she always sees them in a man, she always considers herself better. Therefore, it is difficult for her to respect her husband. It is basically impossible for a woman to be calm, because a woman’s mood and emotions very often change accordingly.
It strongly depends on external factors. For example, if everything in an apartment is left unchanged for a long time, then it will constantly find a new problem.
When a man gets married, you shouldn’t count on a quiet life. A woman cannot live without something new, so she needs to give flowers, buy new clothes, etc. She needs change.
When a marriage is created, everyone wants to live the same way as before - for themselves, but with a more fulfilling life. AND modern psychologists They advise to live for yourself, to be self-sufficient and complacent, but this destroys a person’s happiness.
That is, you see now that happiness in the understanding of a woman and a man are different things.
Is it possible to leave a loved one if there is no happiness?
Someone is prone to radical decisions if the relationship suddenly begins to lack happiness. He thinks that he can find a new partner and enjoy with him. This is a dangerous path.
Yes, at first it may be good with a new person, but difficulties will inevitably arise here too. Plus, you will already have a load of past mistakes behind you. In other words, the destruction of relationships and family does not solve problems, but rather adds them in the future.
Strong and a wise man does not give up when difficulties arise, but tries to overcome them, no matter what. These are the people who deserve it happy relationship, faithful and loving partners.
How to make a relationship happy?
I think that now it’s not difficult to figure out how to create or return joy and happiness to a relationship. Of course, the main thing is to remain human in any situation. Try to be kind, sympathetic and patient, understand that all situations are given only so that we can become better.
There is no need to run from partner to partner. It is much wiser, and even more profitable, to go through all the vicissitudes of fate with one person and end your life with dignity, without regrets about past divorces and other mistakes, which often have serious consequences.
Here is a step-by-step list of actions that will help make your relationship happy and joyful:
- Understand what real happiness is in a relationship;
- Understand what brings happiness in a relationship to a man and what to a woman;
- Learn to do what brings happiness to a loved one;
- Do not demand happiness from your partner, especially if he does not understand these issues;
- Develop, first of all, spiritually and morally, which will gradually help you be happy regardless of external circumstances;
- A person who takes these steps sincerely and honestly will inevitably become happy.
Take care of your husband or wife, respect and support, care and understand. This is the behavior of a worthy person.
Write in the comments below what you understand as happiness in a relationship between a man and a woman for each of them. Perhaps this will be useful for other blog readers, including me.
Good afternoon I never thought that I would write about my problems in some forums; I usually dealt with my problems myself.
In all my 18 years, I didn’t date anyone, although many people tried to court me, but I simply understood that these were not my people and I didn’t want to waste myself. I had guidelines in my head to find my person and live with him all my life. And so , a year ago I started dating a guy, I understood what it was the right person, and he won’t wipe his feet on me. It all started very well. We were introduced to my boyfriend by mutual friends, and at the first meeting we communicated so freely, as if we had already known each other for many years. Until the moment he asked me to date he wanted to meet me for three years, he even got rid of excess weight, but his friends pushed him to get to know me. It was not convenient for me to refuse him, because the man had been striving for me for all four years, and it would not be very disappointing to him. He said that he fell in love with me at first sight, and apparently this took me . But over time, I began to develop feelings for him.
The relationship started well, I was very happy. But then something incomprehensible began. The first quarrel was over clothes. That I was wearing tight jeans and that all the guys were looking at me. He brought me to tears. He also said that I dressed like It’s not clear who, although I was all sporty. He said that everyone is now a girl of easy virtue, but I’m not like that, and he doesn’t want me to be like that, although I myself never wanted to be like that and never will be. Then quarrels began from -behind social networks, in which we don’t sit now, and if I need to come in, then I have to tell him, otherwise there will be a quarrel if he finds out through someone that I came in, although whether I say it or not, there will be quarrels anyway. I forbade communicate with everyone, we don’t go to any crowded places at all, and if we do go, it isolates me from everyone.
I was a cheerful girl, sociable, active, and now I had completely lost myself as a person. I told him a hundred times that I was not going to endure this for the rest of my life, and I didn’t want to be banned from everything. There were a lot of quarrels, I wanted to leave, but he said that I was his meaning of life and that if I left, he would commit suicide. At first I thought that he wanted to keep me in this way, but once during a quarrel he almost crashed his car, that’s okay, I stopped him. And now I’m afraid. I understand that parting is not an option, and over the past year I’ve gotten very used to him. He says that he loves me, I reciprocate, but in my heart I understand that this is far from love, maybe of course it’s different for everyone .
Due to constant quarrels, my health deteriorated and I became pessimistic. Every day he has some kind of jealousy, when I haven’t even given a reason in a year. He’s jealous of everyone, even his relatives. My parents say that this is a sick relationship and that I should listen to them and leave him. But this is mean to a person .Because I didn’t listen to my parents and they completely collapsed a good relationship, although before that there were none. My boyfriend wants to protect me from everyone and everything. But I don’t want to live like this. How can one live and love in eternal prohibitions, this is not what relationships should be built on.
They say that we are responsible for those we have tamed. He loves me. But I don’t know, he says that I don’t love him, although in fact I do everything for him. I used to have feelings for him stronger feelings, but every time he simply disappointed me. Leaving a person is certainly not a solution, but in my case I don’t know what the solution is, if I tried a bunch of times to explain and prove something to him, but it’s all useless... Yes, and I understand, that if I leave, I will hurt him very much, and then I won’t be happy myself. But I’ve already begun to live like this...
Sorry for the lengthy story, but I couldn’t do it any other way. Tell me what to do, thanks in advance.
Everyone dreams of an ideal relationship - one that would bring happiness and joy, in which there would be no room for conflict. However, in reality, any relationship always brings both positive emotions and negative experiences, and there is no escape from this.
How do you know if your relationship maintains a healthy balance of negativity and positivity? After all, sometimes living together It becomes quite a conflict with your other half and the question arises: is it worth fighting for this relationship, or is it better to end it?
There are seven types of relationships that will not bring you personal happiness. If you recognize them, you have two options: change the nature of the relationship or end it.
Relationships with one player
Relationships are always a team game. For a relationship to live, both players must make enough efforts to maintain it, make some contributions, etc. At the same time, both members of such a relationship retain relative autonomy, they feel self-sufficient and understand that the well-being of these relationships is equally the merit of both parties.
But what happens if only one party is interested in maintaining the relationship? If someone is constantly trying to support a fading love, and the other is only “following the lead” of a more proactive partner? Over time, resentment or even righteous anger will awaken in a person who more actively “invested himself” in a relationship: “Why is everything on me? Am I the only one who needs this relationship? Don't they love me anymore? Why doesn’t my partner show any initiative in our relationship?...” And when the dam of bitter resentment breaks through, a conflict will brew in the family and claims will pour out...
The other side of the relationship will also have their own grievances. Most often, such people, after some time, begin to feel “on the leash of the relationship,” because all important family issues are decided by the other half, and this may be perceived by the second partner as a limitation of their rights.
For the time being, such relationships may seem quite prosperous. But at the very first conflict, mutual claims will manifest themselves, because the relationship was built with the hands of only one partner, and not through joint efforts.
Relationships that fill the void
Sometimes a person dreams of a relationship only because he is sure that it will bring harmony to his life and help fill the inner emptiness. Part of the reason for this is romantic ideas about love as a mutual complement, the joining of two halves together. This is partly true: many partners complement each other harmoniously and successfully create their own family, despite their differences. But still, love is not cooking, and if your life lacks something for the “fullness of taste,” then the problem is in you, and not in the absence of a relationship.
Relationships Can Bring Happiness and Contentment family life, but they are unable to fill the inner emptiness. Longing, pain, inner emptiness are purely personal problems and if they are not solved, they will begin to manifest themselves in relationships.
Dependent Relationships
Despite the fact that relationships involve “the joining of two loving hearts", they should not turn into an absolute merger. When in a relationship you begin to completely forget about yourself and focus all your attention on the feelings of your partner, these are signs that love is turning into addiction. As a result, in such relationships one or both partners risk losing themselves. Personal needs fade into the background, because the primary task becomes creating happiness for your partner. At first, this may seem like an act of self-sacrifice, but over time, resentment appears: “why don’t I receive the same care in return?” And mutual passion begins to disappear in such relationships: previously, the other half could be attracted by the individuality of the partner, but individuality disappears first in dependent relationships - only the mirror person remains, reflecting the emotions and experiences of the other half. Who wants to look in the mirror forever?
Dreams of an ideal relationship
Dreaming of a prince on a white horse, a knight in shining armor, or a princess with golden hair also does not lead to happiness. The desire to have an “ideal relationship” is an illusion, complete “smoke and mirrors”, and the result of the existence of such an illusion is always the same - disappointment.
In reality, a person will be happier in a relationship the less expectations he places on his partner. The other half will still not be able to meet all expectations, and yet unjustified expectations make disappointment in relationships inevitable. You should remember: there is only one person who can satisfy all your aspirations and dreams, bring harmony to your life and completely understand you - this is you. Another person is not able to do all this, simply because he is different. Therefore, it is better not to be fascinated by your partner, no matter how ideal he may be, and then you will not be disappointed.
A shell of aggression
Another type of relationship doomed to failure is a relationship in which partners do not know how to openly express their feelings and try to hide the negativity behind a mask of passive aggression.
If you are upset by your partner's behavior, if you have unmet needs and accumulated unspoken needs negative emotions, what should I do? Common sense dictates that the wisest thing to do is to calmly express yourself to your partner, talk about your feelings and desires. But some people choose a different path: they do not verbally express their complaints, but express their own indignation in the form of nonverbal aggression - small but noticeable gestures that give an idea of the true mood of the partner.
The manifestation of passive aggression is the first sign of disorder in a relationship. This may mean a lack of trust in your partner, fear of judgment from him, or an inability to talk openly about things that really bother you.
Relationships in the background
Work, career, health, creativity... Sometimes you find yourself so overwhelmed with activities and responsibilities that relationships are inevitably pushed into the background. First you miss the joint memorable date, then you forget about your partner’s request, disappear at work on your day off - and then, unnoticed by yourself, you discover that the foundation of the relationship has begun to shake.
The fact is that a relationship is like a flower - it needs to be watered periodically so that it does not wither. It is sometimes forgivable to forget about family responsibilities, but if you constantly push relationships into the background, then the relationship will die.
Past grievances
It is also difficult to maintain relationships in which old grievances are never forgotten. Such an alliance is more like sparring, in which fighters strike with insults - as a result, the one who has a shorter memory for insults loses.
The ability to forgive is a key skill necessary not only for saving psychological health, but also for building healthy relationships. Creating a family with a partner means being able to forgive him for minor offenses and fight with him “on the same side of the barricades.”
Thus, sometimes creating a happy relationship turns into a real art, and you have to overcome many obstacles on the path to happiness and family well-being: learn to forgive, trust your soul mate and endlessly work on yourself and your relationships.
