Well, it happened again! You were not appreciated, your best expectations were deceived, they laughed at your feelings, and they simply expressed a dubious “compliment” to you. And how do you feel? Offense?
Well, you can always understand WHY a person is offended. WHY is he doing this? Strange question, you say. But think for a moment: all the feelings that a person experiences, all the emotions that he experiences, he needs for something. With their help, we instinctively try to regulate our state of mind, create in your inner world relative stability.
This - defense mechanism our psyche, which is developed in deep childhood. Remember how your parents, so big and strong, decided a lot for you, and perhaps did not always understand, forgive, approve... And if arguing with them was useless, saying directly that they were wrong was unsafe, what could the little man do? ? That's right: just be offended.
Another “nutrient medium” for resentment could be the example of the parents themselves. Remember how mom and dad treated problems? Are you annoyed with your circumstances and surroundings? Or did you try to laugh at the failure and quickly find a way to fix everything? In the first case, the habit of being offended could be passed down to you “inherited” from your elders.
Resentment is a passive feeling that we choose to experience when we cannot (or do not want) to give vent to stronger and more effective emotions. That is, by being offended, we translate some “primary” emotions into a new quality, harmless to others, but destructive to our psyche.
Yes and for physical health being offended turns out to be extremely harmful. Unexpressed and long-held grievances can lead to real diseases, not only such as insomnia or depression, which is understandable, but also to diseases of the internal organs. Doctors will rack their brains for a long time as to what caused them, but without the help of a psychotherapist they will never find an answer.
How to be offended correctly
If, instead of continuing to be tastefully offended, you try to understand a little about the reasons for the offense, you can track what feelings you experienced before. There may be several of them, but, as a rule, this is
Anger
Disappointment
Self pity
And, instead of allowing these feelings to manifest themselves, we “drive” them inside, replacing them with resentment. Instead of active and open self-expression, we spend our energy on defense against circumstances. If we are offended, it means we chose it ourselves.
Understanding exactly what feelings you are experiencing is the first step to stopping being offended.
Step two is to allow yourself to experience these feelings. Don't blame yourself for being angry or feel weak because you feel sorry for yourself. It is important to understand: we have the right to experience any feelings. Express what you are experiencing.
It's best if you can address them directly to the person whose actions made you so angry, upset or disappointed. By expressing to him (of course, in the correct form) everything that is on your soul, you will not only feel relief, but also allow him to look at the current situation differently, and then, perhaps, together you will find a way out of it.
Of course, this method is not always possible. You should not express all your thoughts about your boss or colleague, for example. Sometimes the offender is far from you or is no longer alive (unfortunately, old grievances against parents or other adults that we experienced in childhood continue to influence us for many years, poisoning our lives).
In this case, you can conduct a mental dialogue with the one with whom you are offended. Better yet, write him a letter that does not need to be sent, but can then be subjected to “ritual burning” as a sign of getting rid of the resentment. By writing down your thoughts on paper, you put them in order, discard the unnecessary and superficial, choose words more carefully to describe the current situation and your emotions about it, and this allows you to better understand what exactly happened and what lessons should be learned from it.
Or, at worst, you can simply tell a wise and patient friend about everything, who will listen more than give advice or “support” you, further fueling the resentment.
You will feel much better if you try to redirect your emotions in a constructive direction:
– If you are angry with a colleague or boss, get involved in your work with all your anger and prove that you are a much more competent and talented specialist than they are used to believing.
– Feel sorry for yourself – do something really nice for yourself, something you’ve wanted for a long time. Give the long-awaited “toy” to the little girl who lives in the soul of each of us, tell her sweet words, encourage and calm.
– If you are sad, don’t be afraid to cry. Of course, it is better to do this alone, then you can let the sadness flow freely into tears. This is more useful than forcing a smile, but at least, for your own mental health.
Is it possible to completely eliminate the habit of being offended from life? This will not be easy, because, like any other habit, it is tenacious. It is especially difficult if such a reaction to life’s difficulties has become habitual. But you can still try.
Try not to set unrealistic expectations for anyone. If you still need help, support, or advice from another person, tell him about it clearly, correctly and intelligibly. And be sure to listen to his thoughts on this matter.
Strive for self-sufficiency, that is, do not make the fulfillment of your desires and plans dependent on other people. By relying only on your own strengths, without considering others obligated to do something for you, you will save yourself from disappointments and, accordingly, from resentment.
Do not rush to evaluate the actions and thoughts of other people. Try to understand why the person acts or speaks out In a similar way. Try to mentally justify him, and maybe even feel sorry for him (this helps you feel stronger than the offender, and they don’t take offense at the weak).
When doing something together with others, look not for disagreements and contradictions, but for common ground, common interests and benefits. It is not necessary to be friends with everyone, but it is quite possible to maintain smooth, correct and mutually beneficial relationships with most people.
Deal with old grievances. You may need the help of a psychologist for this, but if you succeed, by getting rid of old grievances, you will make room in your soul for joy and new bright feelings.
When I stopped being offended, they stopped offending me. You will say: this does not happen. How can you not be offended when you hit a nerve? If you understand the origins of the offense, then, I believe, there will be no need to be offended.
So, what is it that sits in us that does not allow us to forgive? To forgive means not to leave a sediment in your soul, to continue to freely communicate with the person. Or, if you want, not communicate at all, but at the same time not remember him with a good word, that is, treat him neutrally.
- Wounded pride
We weren’t appreciated the way we wanted, or we were simply unfairly accused. But we know that they are not so bad. So we torment ourselves with thoughts and curses addressed to the offender. We “gnaw” our soul, convincing ourselves that we are right. Is it worth proving the obvious to yourself? I think everyone will agree that this is a useless exercise. Everyone already knows their worth. Well, you can simply say to the person who condemned you: “I’m sorry that you think of me like that,” “I’m upset that we didn’t understand each other.” And especially not to underestimate your self-esteem.
- Pride
Try to throw away the feeling own superiority, take the side of your partner. Remember: a person’s strength does not lie in pride, but in his generosity. The offender, as a rule, himself realizes that he got excited.
- Inability to accept facts about oneself
For example, they say to you: “You are late for work. You made a mistake. You Bad mood. You eat a lot. You're fat." You are angry, not wanting to accept reality. Learn to answer “yes.” The same “yes” applies to any reproaches directed at you. Do you think it will be interesting for your interlocutor to “sting” you and how long will it last when you agree with everything?
- Unjustified expectations
Often we expect from a person certain actions, deeds, words that are completely unusual for him due to his inherent character traits, tact, upbringing, education..., taking offense at the failure to fulfill what we have imagined. Try to look at everything objectively, without imagining what is not there.
- Misperception
On different people the same situation has different effects. The point is not at all who said or did what, but how we reacted, how we perceived the information. Calm perception without irritation is just a matter of daily “training”. And, in fact, we ourselves make the decision to be offended. As they often say: “Be offended by yourself...”. IN difficult situations Repeat to yourself: “I love myself and will not offend myself.”
And when in Once again If you want to be offended, think: is it really so pleasant to feel sorry for yourself and feel like a victim? The predator always senses the weak and attacks him. You don't want to be eaten! Maybe you are a winner after all, rising above the situation and independent of circumstances! It’s not for nothing that people say: “They carry water for the offended.” You don’t really want to, do you?
As you know, resentment is a state of our soul. The soul is the well from which we drink. What source of thirst quenching do we present to ourselves and others? Take care of your storage, your source of life. Live with a smile, without being offended!
Source: http://www.cluber.com.ua/lifestyle/mnenie/2018/03/pochemu-ne-stoit-obizhatsya/
Resentment - an emotion that carries a negative connotation and turns your life and the lives of those around you into real hell. The state of resentment may not leave for quite a long time, due to repeated thoughts about a particular event that caused pain. Resentment manifests itself due to quarrels, jealousy, envy or indifference, and the feelings after the insult are pain, hatred, and the desire for revenge. I would like to note that you always have a choice, no one is forcing you to be offended, you can simply not do it, thereby avoiding a lousy mood and saving your nerves. This character trait is undoubtedly negative and one can and should get rid of it. Moreover, it is not so difficult, it is worth working on yourself a little.
Think about whether you are the creator of your mood or whether you are a puppet controlled by everyone, but not you. Why should your mood depend on someone else? You can always stop being a doll raised by society; all you need is awareness of this whole situation and desire. We're like highest level life, just like single-celled creatures, are capable of responding to stimuli, but we differ primarily in that we can make a choice. You should highlight one thing for yourself: the offense is only yours. own choice. Resentment is a stereotype that has been cultivated for decades and successfully flourishes in all spheres of society. Decide your destiny yourself and become the captain of your ship, cleanse your soul of everything unnecessary and get ready to embrace joy and happiness.
1. Remember one simple truth - no one owes you anything. No one considers it their right to act towards you the way you want or think is right. This is very easy to understand, because you don’t always strive to meet the expectations of others? Your life is yours and only you can do it right choice, and it doesn’t matter what others say, because they also don’t owe anything to anyone.
2. Pay attention to positive traits your offender. Surely, he brought a lot of good and positive emotions into your life. An annoying act on which your focus is internal energy, overshadows everything good in the interlocutor. The good is often taken for granted, but the bad is just as often exaggerated and put first on the list. emotional qualities. Treat goodness as nice gift to rejoice and absorb positive emotions again and again.
3. No matter how sad it may sound, no one in this life is eternal. Only such sad situations can make it clear how petty and stupid the grievances were. You will never be able to forgive yourself for insults to close relatives, remembering the boundless and exceptionally sincere care that they bestowed on you. Perhaps much of their actions seemed wrong, but all this was from pure love to you. Live now and don’t waste this precious fleeting time on grievances.
4. Make it a rule to take responsibility for what happens to you. Nothing can be done in vain. Analyze every potentially offensive situation, this will help you understand people a little better and understand their true qualities. There were situations when your best friend or a friend ignored the agreement and did not come to the meeting without answering phone calls. Anything could happen: he could get into trouble, circumstances were not in his favor, or he was simply indifferent to you. There is no point in being offended in any case, and the last one will even help you draw conclusions about such a “friend.” Gain experience instead of being offended. You shouldn’t spend time in thoughtless emotional outbursts; make sure that every situation is in your favor.
5. Never give in to provocations. When your interlocutor deliberately tries to offend you, then by succumbing to provocation, you thereby agree that they simply put a collar on you, like a dog, and they control you and your emotions as they want. Protect yourself from such people, they will definitely not bring anything good into your life. As they say, they don’t take offense at fools.
6. Stay mindful. Here and now you are aware of your own Self and have complete control over the situation; now it is probably difficult to offend you. Maintain such composure at all times and do not give power to emotions. Watching yourself from the outside, you are unlikely to allow yourself to be drawn into this unpleasant game as an insult.
7. Resentment can destroy your health. As soon as a touchy state sets in, it happens muscle spasm, more in the upper body. They suffer from this internal organs, blood circulation is impaired. Exacerbation of chronic diseases is also possible. Therefore, do not ruin your health for the sake of someone, because with your offense you will only bring joy to the offender, but it is extremely difficult to restore your own health.
8. With numerous grievances, you attract negativity to yourself. An offended mood surrounds you and does not allow you to live in peace, attracting troubles one after another. Remember, you are the creator of your mood and life. Why surround yourself with negativity when you can see a lot of good in life.
Imagine that each of your potential offenders gives you a choice of 2 cakes: one sweet and tasty, the second spoiled and ugly. Think about it, is it necessary to take spoiled food if you have the choice of taking something tasty?
How to stop being offended? - video
The truth is, we all get offended by someone or something at times. We are worried about betrayal ex-lover or because someone treated us unfairly. Such situations are familiar to everyone. However, few people think about how resentment affects a person.
This feeling can be compared to weeds in the garden. They multiply and are eventually able to destroy all the flowers. Even if your resentment is not great, one day it can give rise to negative shoots. But no one needs such surprises. So let's find out why we should get rid of such annoying and dangerous weeds.
Resentment turns to anger
Anger is a terribly unpleasant state both for those around you and for the person experiencing it. Just imagine yourself with your face contorted with anger, reddened and your hands clenched into fists. You feel the strength to, like the Hulk, slam your opponent with one left. Moreover, it is very difficult for you to restrain yourself. Therefore, do not accumulate grievances so that one day they do not turn into anger.
Harm to the body
Resentment can lead to the following conditions:
- headache;
- exacerbation of chronic diseases;
- insomnia and increased tendency to drink alcohol or even drugs;
- high arterial pressure, heart attack, stroke;
- skin problems.
Moral injury
The consequences of resentment are not limited to physical problems. So, if you get rid of this feeling, your stress and anxiety levels will decrease. Constant talking, thinking, worrying about the future and past experiences greatly tires our brain. When you hold grudges, you strain your mind even more. As a result, you are constantly in an agitated state and cannot enjoy life. This entails a tendency to bad habits and can lead to problems with mental health. Forgiveness will give you peace of mind. 
Resentment destroys relationships
If you are overcome by a feeling of resentment, then eventually your emotions may burst out, resulting in verbal insults or even some kind of physical actions. Of course, your colleagues, friends or relatives are unlikely to like this behavior. After all, you will take out your grievances and anger on people who are completely innocent of this. Therefore, part with this feeling, and you will see how much more harmonious your relationships with loved ones will become.
Resentment dulls our instincts
We are all born with instincts that are designed to help us survive. Thus, animals always know when to run away from predators, blind kittens are able to find their mother by smell, etc. As for a person, the feeling of resentment he experiences can harm the mind, suppressing it. As a result, our instincts become dulled because we are too busy thinking about the person who harmed us in some way.
Resentment develops ignorance
Resentment arises from ignorance or inability to understand certain things. How often do people say: “I was treated unfairly”, “I can’t believe he said that about me”, “Why did she get a promotion and I stayed in my job because I’m better?”, “It’s not fair.” that my loved one stopped loving me and preferred someone else,” etc. After analyzing these phrases, you can understand that they are all aimed at protecting the precious personality of a person who is offended by something or someone. The reason for this is ignorance, which does not allow us to see things as they really are.
Forgiveness will make your life better
When we constantly switch from one thought to another in a fog of resentment, this state can eventually fill most our life. However, if you accept that you are the source of your own emotional well-being, even if things don't work out the way you wanted, you will see changes for the better. Moreover, they will concern both the spiritual and physical spheres. Don't focus on the past. After all, it has no effect on your life today. If you have forgiven someone, this does not mean that you have forgotten this or that situation. You just decided to move on and become a happy person.
- Explore your own emotions.
- Seek professional help from a psychologist.
- Develop empathy for others.
- Goodbye, but don't try to forget.
- Think about your family.
- Focus on facts, not emotions.
- Write down three positive things you learned from a negative situation.
- Accept what happened as a fact and let it go.
- Live for today, and don't bother yourself with past events.
- Practice meditation on a regular basis.
If your mind is in harmony, then so will your life. Of course, things don't always happen exactly the way we want them to. Sometimes this can be difficult to accept. However, if the storm of emotions is supplemented by a feeling of resentment, then our minds cannot escape the storm. Bear with the storm and you will be able to find a lifeboat even in heavy waves.
Every person, starting from early childhood, is faced with feelings of resentment. For some people, the offense quickly passes, while others harbor a grudge against their offender all their lives. Someone can easily cope with any life situations and does not even show that he has experienced a feeling of resentment, but someone is sulking at everyone, limits communication with people who caused offense, is angry at himself, at his life, at the whole world around him.What is resentment?
Resentment is a bitter feeling that destroys, excites the soul, does not allow us to calm down, forces us to constantly replay in our mind the situation that led to the offense, and offensive words sound in us and destroy our lives. Bitterness from resentment gnaws from within and does not allow one to free oneself from suffering.
Resentment causes irritation, anger, aggression, hostility and even hatred towards the person who insulted, humiliated, or offended you. There is a desire to take revenge for the insult. And even when you feel that the offender is right, you still stubbornly continue to insist that you are right, trying to deceive everyone and even yourself.
Resentment arises when a person himself believes that he was treated wrongly, unfairly, physically or heartache, upset him, insulted him, laughed at him, refused him any request.
Moreover stronger feeling he will experience insults from those people who are dear to him and close to him, rather than from random passers-by. After all, if a random passer-by called you names, you will be indignant, but will soon forget about this incident. And if this word comes out of the mouth of your friend or husband, then you will pout your lips for a long time, throw angry, destructive glances at him, and will not want to talk to him, punishing him for the offense, making him feel guilty, demanding an apology and repentance from him .
But in fact, you are punishing yourself, because the insult has spoiled your mood, and digesting this situation again and again, your soul experiences pain, you deny yourself communication with your loved one, you waste your energy on the insult, you get irritated and nervous, worsening your health.
If you are constantly offended, for every reason, then the grievances accumulate, the desire arises to take revenge on the offender, to push him away from you, not to see him or hear him. And even if your offender repents, asks for your forgiveness, and you continue to play the victim, stubbornly refusing to talk or making scandals, sooner or later you will destroy your relationship with your grievances.
And if you understand that only you yourself are the author of the offense, that you yourself were offended, and the person you were offended by is not to blame, then it will be much easier for you to cope with the pain.
Why is resentment dangerous?
Let's draw conclusions: why is resentment dangerous? Firstly, it causes negative emotions and quarrels, leads to a breakdown in relationships and loneliness. After all, by being offended, you push the offender away from you, not wanting to talk to him, and in return he will also harbor a grudge against you.
Secondly, resentment worsens your mood, you are depressed, despondent, which in turn can lead to insomnia, depression and other serious illnesses.
Why do people get offended
“It’s sometimes very pleasant to be offended, isn’t it? And a person knows that no one offended him, but that he invented an insult to himself and lied for beauty, exaggerated it himself in order to create a picture, became attached to a word and made a mountain out of a pea - he himself knows this, and yet he is the very first he is offended, he is offended to the point of pleasantness, to the feeling of greater pleasure, and thereby reaches true enmity...” Dostoevsky F.M. "The Brothers Karamazov".
Often a person is offended in order to change his attitude towards himself, so that the relatives, friends, and parents around him will take pity, caress him, and treat him with love and tenderness.
People also feel resentment when their expectations and hopes are not met; the life they created in their dreams does not coincide with reality. And loved ones do not do the things that are expected of them. And then the person is offended by everyone and the entire unjust world.
When people believe that they deserve more and that someone should give them more, a feeling of resentment arises against their parents, husband, wife, children, boss, and government.
But every person is the master of his life, and he himself is responsible for the events that happen in his life, as well as for the grievances that he created for himself, invented.
How to stop being offended
“Just as warm clothing protects against cold, self-control protects against resentment. Increase patience and calmness of spirit, and resentment, no matter how bitter, will not touch you.”. Leonardo da Vinci
Resentment eats us away from the inside, exhausts us, depresses us, and we definitely need to get rid of this harmful feeling. If you want to get rid of feelings of resentment forever, you must learn one of the rules - in this world no one owes you anything.
You expected your loved one to come to you with a large bouquet of roses, but instead of roses he brought a large box of chocolates. Your expectations were not met, and you were offended, your mood worsened, and you don’t want to talk to him. But if you understand and remember that no one owes you anything, then it will be much easier for you to accept such a situation, and over time you will learn not to be offended over trifles. After all, you could have told your friend in advance that you wanted him to give you roses, and then your expectations would have been fully justified, and there would have been no reason for offense.
Rule two - Each person has his own opinion, which may differ from yours.
You believed that out of the entire department, you are the most advanced in your work, you grasp everything on the fly, and only you should be appointed head of the department, because you have worked the longest and are competent in all matters. But the post of head of the department went to your friend, who, in your opinion, not only manages, but also doesn’t really know how to talk. And you harbored a grudge against all your colleagues, against the director, against your friend.
You think that he took your place, betrayed you. And the resentment overwhelms you and gives you no peace, and thoughts of revenge are swarming in your head. In your opinion, your friend is not worthy of this post, but, in the director’s opinion, it is your friend who is capable of leading the department. This is another rule that you need to learn and understand that you should not be offended if your opinion does not coincide with the opinions of the people around you.
You also need to understand and understand that Each person decides for himself with whom and where to spend his free time.
Yours best friend with whom you were - do not spill the waters yet kindergarten, went out of town for the weekend with her classmates. You’re just seething with indignation: “How could she betray our friendship? She offended me, I will never forgive her for this.”
But your girlfriend is not your property, and she has every right to decide who to be friends with and who to spend her time with, so there is no point in being offended in such situations.
How to stop being offended when you are deliberately humiliated, called offensive names, teased, or laughed at. If you react violently to these attacks, they will systematically mock you in order to bring you to tears, to prove to everyone that you are a weak person. How to cope with resentment in such a situation?
Remember - a normal person would never tease or humiliate other people. This means that in front of you is a sick person, with a bad character, and simply a psycho. And, as everyone knows, there is such a rule - don't be offended by a fool . Learn not to notice the bad words addressed to you and let them pass your ears.
Should you be offended by criticism of yourself, the truth that people say about you? After parent meeting mom scolded you for bad marks, complained to you that you absolutely do not help around the house, that your room is like a pigsty, that all you can do is sit stupidly and play at the computer. You were very offended, angry with your mother and ran away from home. If such situations arise in your life, think about whether the criticism addressed to you is true or whether it was made up by your offender, and whether it is worth responding to it with offense. If you were really lazy, abandoned your studies and were scolded for bad behavior, then there's no point in being offended by the truth , because you are to blame for everything.
Try to understand yourself why you are so easily offended, maybe the habit of being offended comes from childhood, and then it’s time to grow up, or maybe the offense is one of yours bad habits, which you urgently need to get rid of so as not to poison the lives of yourself and the people around you. After all, grievances lead to misunderstanding, discord, and loneliness. Understand that by being offended and carrying the pain of resentment, you, first of all, harm yourself and your health.
Why you need to forgive an insult
“People of small minds are sensitive to petty insults; people of great intelligence notice everything and are not offended by anything.” Francois de La Rochefoucauld
If bitterness from resentment eats away at your soul, reverberates with pain in your heart, and all your thoughts are fixated on the resentment, then it’s time to get rid of that resentment. The best remedy from pain is forgiveness.
Having forgiven an offense, your soul becomes lighter, and you are freed from the burden of experiences that you carried within yourself. Having forgiven your offender, you again resume your relationship with the person you were sulking at, and without whom you felt bad.
Of course, there are also situations when the offense hurt you very much, when it ruined your life, you lost something significant and you never want to see the offender again, but you still need to forgive. Forgive him mentally in your soul, and you will find peace. Understand that nothing can be returned back, and it is pointless to continue to suffer and regret the past. You have to live in the present. To forget an insult, you need to forbid yourself to remember it, and throw it out of your head once and for all. This is a bad past, and everything bad must be gotten rid of. And if you yourself often offend people, and then suffer from feelings of guilt, just ask for forgiveness, even if you think you’re right. Just need to say two simple words- “forgive me”, and there will be peace and tranquility in your heart.
Love yourself and the people who surround you, do not offend anyone and do not be offended yourself. Work on yourself, learn to understand yourself, in situations that led to feelings of resentment. Try to find the reason and realize the futility of resentment. Forgive your offender and ask him for forgiveness, because he may also think that you have offended him, wish him health, happiness and love. And the world around you will become kinder and brighter.
