Cohabitation is not always easy or simple. First, you, already as husband and wife, are getting used to each other again. All your significant other's habits will become part of your life. You have to take into account the interests of your partner and look for a corner of personal space.
Everyone tries to be better, but at the same time wants to remain themselves. First, an internal conflict arises (the wife tries, silently, to remove the wet towel from the sofa, and the husband condescends to the mountain dirty dishes), discontent accumulates and then comes out loud scandals, long grievances and even tears.
There are other scenarios for the behavior of spouses: someone constantly screams, someone constantly whines, someone wants to dominate and rule, even to the point of complete totalitarianism. There are people with low self-esteem who, by mocking their loved ones, try to compensate for this deficiency. Also, many people are constrained in expressing their emotions and needs. This is not a complete list of reasons for difficult cohabitation.
You can present one that will melt her heart.
How can we learn to live with each other under the same roof? And even with love and mutual understanding? First of all, you need to find out the cause of the conflict. And for this we will have to talk. During the conversation, you will get to know your partner better. Ask him about his family, what kind of relationships there were. Perhaps the father yelled at the mother, so the son - already a husband - considers this the norm. Or maybe the mother did not like her daughter even now, being adult woman, she has a developed inferiority complex.
But, of course, talking is not enough, we must act. This does not mean that everyone in the family will have to change their character. This means that everyone needs to work on themselves: stop when you want to shout, hold your tongue when you can’t wait to be sarcastic, happily agree to help, and not “this is not a man’s/woman’s business,” and so on. More patience and understanding, more desire to make each other happy - and soon conflicts will not spoil your family life.
Preface
During one of my lectures, I received a note from a young male listener with the following content: “I devote all my time to work. The wife stays at home with a small child. She is constantly dissatisfied - she lacks attention, it seems to her that I have begun to live my own life, separate from the family. But I make every effort to ensure that my family lives in abundance! Everything I do, I do for them! How can I find a balance between family and work?
The author of the note was very surprised when I told him that the wife was not satisfied with the lack of attention from her husband. And besides, attention is such a vague concept! What does it mean to “give attention”? Sit next to you all the time? Give a lot of money for clothes and cosmetics?
No, it was not the lack of attention that my listener’s wife suffered from. I told him that most likely the problem lay in the lack of spiritual life in their family. When the man asked me what this meant, I asked him a question: is he calling his wife from work? Do you find a moment to say a few warm words to her in the middle of the working day, and when you return home, play some pleasant music for her and brew some aromatic tea? “But these are signs of attention,” the listener was surprised. “And I don’t always have time for them...” “Yes, perhaps,” I answered. - But this is what I’m getting at: you don’t have the energy and time because you don’t pay attention to spiritual practices. If you pay attention to them, you will have time and energy to change your behavior for the better, and therefore, change your destiny and your family life for the better.”
My interlocutor went home deep in thought. I hope I helped him understand himself and, partly, the problems of his family life...
This story is, of course, not the only one.
For several decades now I have been giving lectures on search problems. life path, achieving success, raising children, improving health - both physical and mental. And what do you think listeners ask me most often?
How to talk to your husband (wife) correctly?
How can we make sure that my spouse and I quarrel less often?
How to make the spiritual atmosphere in your home pleasant and positive?
It would seem that the answers to these questions are obvious: talk to each other politely, respect your household, so that there are no mutual insults and quarrels... But why then do I get asked such questions again and again? Maybe because we are used to saying the words “respect”, “love”, “attention”, “care”, but we don’t have a very good idea of how to put all this into practice? It turns out that it is not so simple, this family life!
Let's do a simple experiment. Try answering two questions:
What is family life? What is family?
I am sure that at first you will smile and think: “Strange questions! Well, who doesn’t know what family life is!” But try to formulate the answers - and you will see that in fact the questions are much more complex than they might seem.
And most importantly, it is not always possible to improve family life using some common techniques. These cars can be repaired with a common set of tools for all. And family is a much more subtle matter...
It’s not just that I started with the story of one of my listeners. There is no need to think that happiness in family life depends on some general recipes. They took a pinch of this and that, mixed it, shook it - and got family happiness! No, it can not be happy family without spiritual practices, without self-improvement. And I wrote this book partly to remind you of this once again...
I am very pleased to see that my seminars and lectures help people find answers to their questions; They help not only improve family relationships, but also determine professional interests and find your way. Many listeners come not for the first time, thank me for my help and bring their family and friends to meet me.
I want to say right away - I am not a magician or a psychic, I cannot improve your life at the drop of a hat magic wand. I help you find the meaning of those words you just read - “respect”, “love” and many others. And at my lectures, people begin to realize - maybe they were wrong about something? Maybe somewhere they should have acted differently, not the way they were used to acting? Maybe there are some other, more important concepts in the world - not just “I want” or “do everything for me”?
It is the family, it is the relationships between people within the family that most of my lectures are devoted to. After all, family is the most important thing a person can have. Over the years of practice I have accumulated great amount recordings - both video and audio, and in “paper” form. These are my own thoughts, lecture texts, interesting stories, received by me e-mail and heard during live communication with people... It’s not for nothing that they say that life throws up stories that the most gifted screenwriter has never dreamed of!
I was often asked: “Why do you publish books so rarely? After all, not everyone has the opportunity to come to your meeting or find your notes on the Internet!”
And now before you is a book entirely based on unique materials. These are not only recordings of my lectures and seminars. These are stories told to me by listeners, and answers to numerous questions that I was asked at creative evenings in different cities and countries
I think you will agree: over the past few decades, our lives have changed a lot. Why, there are dozens of years! They even play for two or three years huge role. New inventions, new technologies appear, new values are proclaimed... Exactly modern system values is main reason many problems of our contemporaries - and it was this that partly made me take up writing the book.
We constantly hear on television (and read on the Internet, in magazines) about the “art of building relationships.” But what is a relationship? Is it the same as love, friendship, mutual assistance or something else? And could it be that the family has been replaced by these very “relationships” that need to be “built”?
Frequently discussed relationship is going in parallel with such topics as “sexual attractiveness”, “benefits”, “healthy egoism” and so on. That is, we are taught to replace RELATIONSHIPS between people with simply RELATIONSHIPS aimed at obtaining fleeting pleasure and personal gain... I don’t want to say that everyone acts this way. But, unfortunately, the trend is quite sad. And I would like to turn to the category of relationships that were presented to us many years ago in various monuments of folk wisdom.
Have you ever wondered why, after spending half a day “building” and “sorting out” relationships, we feel empty, exhausted, and offended? After all, in theory, it should be the other way around! And why, after quarrels and scandals, are we so drawn to, for example, sit on the river bank and admire blooming garden or bright sunset above the sea? Because the soul, tormented by things unusual for us, imposed popular culture processes, wants harmony diffused in nature. We do not need relationships, but harmonious RELATIONSHIPS between people.
And for this you need to know what the strengths and weak sides men and women, what are their characteristics, what is their purpose in the world. I would really like to help achieve harmony not only for those who can contact me personally, but also for everyone who feels such a need. This is exactly where I see my task.
I usually end my lectures and seminars with the phrase “I wish you happiness.” But here I would like to start with it...
...Yours Oleg Torsunov
First, let’s mentally imagine one of the extreme options - let a person try to live in a family, guided only by the principle of freedom - “I want”. At the same time, for simplicity of reasoning, let’s assume a favorable situation for him - he loves his wife, and she has a gentle character. Now let’s imagine not a romantic idealized life, as it might seem to a 16-year-old boy, but a real one - with illnesses, difficulties, feeling unwell, troubles at work, etc. And in all these difficulties with which the life of almost every person is full, our “hero” will act only as he wants: if he wants, he will help his wife, if he does not want, he will not help. At first, her love and gentle nature will help maintain their relationship, but then what? How long can a woman love her husband without seeing in him a protector, a support, a knight capable of courageously enduring difficulties for the sake of the woman she loves? All world experience (and theory too) show that a woman can love a man strongly and for a long time only with masculine character, the obligatory attributes of which are a strong will, the ability to easily endure any hardship, and a willingness to come to the aid of the weak. Kindness, intelligence and masculinity are absolutely necessary for a man! The absence of these characteristic masculine traits will lead to the fact that the wife will begin to see her husband as an asexual being, no matter what external signs masculinity - luxurious muscles, mustache, loud voice or confident behavior. So love will end; will this bring much joy to our “hero”?
* Let’s take the next extreme option - to be guided in the family only by the word “Must”. Too bad! After all, they get married for joy! And what joy can there be if you have to perform your duty sometimes in a state of illness, despondency, and fatigue? How long will the feeling of love remain romantic given the constantly growing irritation against your spouse, to whom you always owe something?
* Let's think: maybe the very formulation of the question, which requires living according to only one of these principles, is incorrect? At the same time, it is difficult to be guided by both principles at the same time: even if mutual consent to determine what the spouse is free to do as he wants, and what he is obliged to do - the problem still does not go away, because life is unusually dynamic, new situations constantly arise, about which they have not yet had time to agree! And again - irritation with each other, misunderstanding, quarrels, and... the fading of love!
*Where is the way out? After all, of course, it exists, since there are happy married couples who have carried love through many years! The extremely small number of such pairs, obviously, speaks only of one thing - they have some special, rare quality. What kind of quality is this? Capacity for insane passion? But passion accompanies many beginners at first married couples, and in a few years there will be very few happy people! Maybe this rare quality is rationalism, precise calculation? It doesn’t work either, because true joy in love is impossible without strong feelings, often overshadowing reason!
* I believe that the secret is in the special culture of these happy people! Let me explain my point. Humanity has long discovered the presence of two very similar, but essentially different feelings - infatuation and love. The first of them can be insanely strong, dizzying, but this feeling is for oneself, it is selfish! Its essence is the desire to possess another person - beautiful, smart, kind, etc. And the essence of love is the desire to give! The vectors of these feelings are opposite! (By the way, in harmonious, healthy human love, these two principles exist simultaneously). In most cases, people confuse these feelings, causing countless problems and tragedies. By the way, if a young man wants to be guided only by desires, then maybe he is a good person, but he is still very emotionally immature. For now, he only takes his desire to be loved as love. On the other hand, he can be understood: the very fact that his wife expects him to fulfill some duty indicates that she does not have boundless feelings for him. Indeed, any debt imposed from outside is perceived by any person with irritation.
* When you truly love a person, an irresistible desire arises to bring him happiness. There is no question whether you “want” to do something for him or “should”. These two principles, two words imperceptibly and miraculously merge and form a completely new union: when I must no longer due to external compulsion, but due to an internal hot impulse, then the word “must” becomes the word “I want”!
* Psychologists have discovered that only a person who is generally endowed with the ability to love people and sees great value in every person can love like this. ©
Many married couples, and especially newlyweds, think that their married life will be easy and cloudless, and the feeling of love will not leave them until the very end. Actually long and happy life It only works if both spouses work hard at it.
There are many examples of unhappy marriages. Some people get divorced immediately after marriage, while others get divorced after twenty years. life together. Once you look at the statistics, you can become a real cynic. But there are also happy couples who live and grow old together. Why did they succeed? Below we will talk about 35 secrets of family happiness.
1. Share with each other
Especially because you feel this moment. Many people think that this is main secret happy family relations. After all, it is very difficult to achieve mutual understanding and harmony if the spouses keep everything inside.
2. Remember, this will pass.
Many people know this phrase from the parable about King Solomon. Whatever happens in your life, always remember that this too shall pass.
3. Show more passion
Greet each other with a kiss every morning and have sex more often (even in old age). After all, as experience shows, passion is a habit and can easily fade away if it is not maintained. Well, physical affection helps not to lose touch with your partner.
4. Don't scold children
Children can cause a lot of trouble and stress. But over time, they will grow up and leave you, starting their own lives.
5. Forget about small problems
It's worth thinking bigger. Think about whether you will remember after 10 years which of you forgot to turn on dishwasher. Such problems are so insignificant over a long period of time that they should not affect the marital relationship in any way.
6. Fill the refrigerator
You shouldn't deny yourself such little pleasures. So be sure to stock your refrigerator with your favorite foods.
7. Take time for yourself
It is very important that husband and wife have time for their own hobbies. After all favorite hobby makes a person happy and gives a lot of energy. Life shows that the most harmonious relationships in those married couples where the husband and wife have equal opportunities for self-realization.
8. Don't hold back your emotions
Immediately share with your partner things that make you anxious. Do not allow negative emotions to accumulate, as this can lead to a nervous breakdown.
9. Don't take things personally
Well, things that are very annoying should be avoided altogether.
10. Compromise
For many, this means sacrificing their own principles. In fact, compromise is a powerful impetus for the development of relationships. And he does not necessarily have to violate the principles of one of the spouses. The main thing is to discuss everything in detail and find a solution that would suit both.
11. Don't take your relationship for granted.
You constantly need to work on them.
12. Be spontaneous
This is necessary so that family life does not turn into a routine. For example, you can change your vacation destination at the last minute. Or give your partner a gift for no reason.
13. Be polite
Treat your partner with understanding and kindness. After all, you yourself chose him to be your life partner.
14. Be patient
The level of development of husband and wife can vary greatly. Therefore, it is worth showing patience with a partner who is not very advanced in any of the areas.
15. Celebrate
Be sure to celebrate all holidays and memorable dates together.
16. Find common hobbies
This could be cycling, swimming in the pool, cooking classes, etc. Joint activities help strengthen relationships.
17. Spend time together
You should only marry a partner with whom you enjoy spending time.
18. Express your wishes out loud
19. Go to parties together
Be sure to set aside time to visit them. This is especially important when children have already appeared in the marriage and the family routine begins to drag on. Moreover, going to a party does not require a lot of time and money.
20. Maintain a joint budget
At the same time, you can discuss your plans for the future and dreams. Smart planning family budget will help you achieve your plans in the shortest possible time.
21. Surprise each other
Remember how at the beginning of the relationship you planned to spend the weekend together, gave each other small gifts, and exchanged touching messages. Such things are worth doing in marriage, because it shows your partner that you love him.
22. Show gratitude
Especially when your significant other does something for you. Of course, you can read gratitude in the face, but it’s always nice to hear it out loud.
23. Help and support
This applies to both household and work issues.
24. Don't criticize
Before you judge your partner for something, try to put yourself in his place and understand the reason for his actions. And superficial criticism will only cause negativity.
25. Laugh at each other
Treat everyone life events with humor. It closely borders on such a state as happiness.
26. Communicate often
If the relationship has reached a dead end, then it is worth talking to your partner and finding out how serious everything is. It may turn out that this is just a short black line, immediately followed by white.
27. Make friends
Moreover, it will be a completely normal situation when the wife and husband have different friends. Well, it wouldn’t hurt to have some common ones either.
28. Be generous
This is especially true for two things - time and money.
29. Be happy
If this state disappears, then make every effort to return it.
30. Don't get defensive
Don't think that the main objective partner - to put pressure on you to accept his point of view. Any controversial point can be discussed from a position of love and kindness.
31. Trust and be trustworthy
Mutual openness is very important in marriage.
32. Remember the reasons for falling in love
Never forget why you fell in love with your partner. It doesn't matter what it is, humor or ambition. It is important to always remember this.
33. Give compliments
Tell your significant other about your love more often and give compliments.
34. Make an effort
Remember that marriage can be very fragile. And to preserve it, you need to make a lot of effort.
35. Enjoy your marriage
Over time, new housing will appear, children, everyday problems, etc. Everything will only become more complicated. So right now, hug your partner and enjoy the present moment.
