Relationships between the sexes involve friction.
Samuel Butler
When sex therapists talk to their patients, they usually find
that the first unsuccessful sexual experience leaves its negative imprint
for the rest of your sex life.
After the first fiasco, some guys try to avoid it altogether.
girls, so as not to be ridiculed. They can be especially painful
feelings of a teenager if other guys brag about their sexual
experience, they seem to be fine.
15-year-old Misha, whom I treated for depression, said: "I
met with Lena from a parallel class. On a day when her parents are gone
was at home, we often sat with her. Hugging and kissing, I wanted to
more, but I was afraid. Then we had one time, and I realized that I didn’t have her
first. Lena knew better than me what to do, and I felt
helpless incompetent. Somehow it all ended, and I realized that she
disappointed. I began to pester her with questions about who she had before me,
and she got angry and said: "Leave me alone, they were better than you!" I got offended and
left, and she began to walk with a guy from the 9th grade. Somehow he came up to me
and in front of all the guys he said that I "shouldn't", so Lena me
quit. I got to fight, but he was stronger, the guys separated us. Then mine
Sasha's friend once asked if it was true that I "shouldn't". me and him a little
did not give in the teeth. All the girls from our and other classes were whispering for
my back and giggled. The guys teased me all the time too. You will not
to beat everyone in the face. I barely made it to the end school year and said
parents that I won't go to school anymore. They pestered with questions that
happened, then reconciled and transferred me to another school. Now I do not know,
how should I be, what if new school they will also find out about everything and will tease.
Then I'll drop out of school. Not attracted to girls, do not want to be a goat again
absolutions. I'm in a bad mood, I sit at home all the time, I don't even want to go out
into the yard, the guys from our house already know everything."
The failure of the first sexual experience can form a complex
inferiority. Some teenagers develop a fear of intimacy
proximity. This fear is fixed and can completely discourage interest in sex.
even in adulthood. According to this mechanism, adult males develop
various sexual disorders - decreased or lack of sexual
desire, weak erection, impotence, premature or delayed
ejaculation. failures adolescence- the basis for sexual disorders in an adult.
The sexual life of a person depends on many factors. In order to
sex life the man was normal, required that he had
desire to join intimate relationship(sexual attraction) and opportunities
for this (sufficient erection and the ability to make frictional movements
into the vagina for a certain time without ejaculation), that is,
normal potency.
Lack of desire for sexual intimacy is called attraction disorder.
There are many reasons for this, in particular, the wrong sex education, violation
psychosexual development. But also the sexual failures of adolescence
also have very great importance. When sexy isn't enough
formed, any bad influence can play a role.
The "hormonal revolt" of puberty is not yet sexuality.
A teenager just needs sexual discharge, as the accumulating
sperm causes sexual arousal.
In adult men, it does not happen that sexual desire
not purposefully. As a rule, the object of attraction is a specific woman, namely
he wants her. With the woman he loves, a man can have real sex, but with
unloved he does not even have an erection. With a single woman everything is possible
to be wonderful, but with a new partner, nothing works. adults
men understand this and treat such "punctures" calmly. Is not
means that the man is impotent, this is normal sexuality. Sexuality
- a very vulnerable area, there are many nuances.
Every man can have failures, for example, if he is tired, recently
sick or in trouble and upset, thinking about something else, not about
sex, if he does not like the partner or is tired, if they often quarrel
or he is offended by her if he drank a lot or ate a lot - and a lot
other reasons. A man with mature sexuality knows his sex
ability, he is self-confident; episodic failures cannot shake
his confidence.
And the teenager sex drive still undifferentiated and not always
directed at a certain girl (or girl). A teenager's attempt
sexual intimacy with a girl he doesn't really like, maybe
lead to a fiasco, and this has a depressing effect on the development of his sexuality.
A teenager has neither experience nor self-confidence, any
an unfavorable situation creates the ground for the formation of complexes.
Having failed, the teenager does not want to expose himself to repeated
humiliation and avoids a repetition of such a situation. Fear of the possible
the fiasco is fixed - and this is one of the main ways of forming
psychological impotence.
How more people fears that during the next sexual intercourse, he
will not be up to par, the less sexual arousal he has, which
suppressed by this fear, and accordingly, weaker erection. And arises
vicious circle. Many of my adult impotence patients
believed that the reason was precisely the negative sexual experience of teenage
age and the complex that was formed on this soil.
One of my patients said: "I was 16 years old. My parents left
on vacation, and the dacha was empty, and I invited the guys from our company. Us
There were four boys and four girls. Everyone already knew that we would be couples. We
decided in advance who will be with whom. I was both curious and a little scared.
At the cottage we had a lot house wine and we all got drunk and then everyone
the guys with their girls went to their rooms, and I stayed with mine. I
I don’t remember well how it was, I wanted to and poked at her, but nothing
it turned out, but she fidgeted and only interfered with me. Then she screamed that
we won’t succeed, rolled over on her stomach and got on all fours,
and again I couldn’t get into it, I poked and poked, and
then I was afraid that I was not succeeding, and immediately my penis fell off and
didn't get up again. And she told me that I was a weakling, and if she
knew that she would never have stayed with me, but would have gone with Pasha, with whom
I met before, everything is fine with Pasha, he has already fucked half the class. I
I felt like a fool myself, and even then she told all of our
guys. Everyone mocked me, and since then I didn’t want to have any more
dealing with girls, suddenly again I will be a weakling. Now with women
nothing works for me. I'm just afraid of them."
Impotence is the inability to have an adequate erection or maintain
sufficient erection until the end of sexual intercourse. Complete lack of erection
happens rarely. Most often there is an incomplete erection, too weak for
insertion of the penis into the vagina and sexual intercourse. Or before
erection is normal, but then it quickly disappears
Fear of failure is a major factor in the development
sexual impotence. This happens when a person doubts
his sexual abilities and tells himself in advance that he may have
nothing will work. Self-hypnosis, as you know, great thing. When
a person goes to intimacy, having tuned in advance to failure, he, as a rule,
doomed to fail.
This is typical not only for teenagers and young men, but also for adult men.
If a man seeks intimacy with a woman, but at the same time feels
fear, then sexual intercourse becomes, as it were, a signal of danger (fear
partner's pregnancy and its consequences, fear of being ridiculed by a partner,
lose your reputation, ruin your relationship). How closer time intimate
proximity, the stronger the feeling of fear becomes and the worse things are with an erection.
Under these conditions, sexual intercourse, which a man aspires to,
subconsciously carries a threat to him. The closer the target, the higher
threat. When fear exceeds the degree of sexual arousal,
immediately before or even during sexual intercourse erection
disappears. If it is not possible to make the first sexual intercourse, then this may become
mental trauma, on the basis of which a sexual neurosis is formed, and
each subsequent failure exacerbates erectile dysfunction and enhances the feeling
fear. Discontent, disappointment and fear of the partner's reaction
failure can be so pronounced that even completed sexual intercourse gives
a feeling of only physical relaxation, but does not give emotional
satisfaction.
Your sexual failures, even if they happened sporadically,
one never forgets. Even after decades, when with potency everything
safely, the man clearly remembers his state of helplessness and
humiliation and subconsciously afraid of a repetition of such a situation. However
a strong man knows how to deal with it, and he does not develop
sexual neurosis.
Impotence can develop due to the fact that "in the most responsible
moment "someone enters the room, or partners are caught somewhere in
the wrong place.
Teenagers do not have the opportunity for privacy; sexual intercourse at
juveniles are usually carried out in some random place or in
parents' apartment. Accordingly, the risk of being "caught" is very
high And this is a strong stress factor.
Even an adult man experiences psychological shock if outsiders
they find him in the wrong place half-naked and in an unambiguous pose, and
perishing teenager - the more. Uninvited "viewers" are likely to erupt
angry tirade, but for a teenager who is already aware that they are with
girlfriend is engaged in a forbidden business, which adults will react with obvious
disapproval is doubly stressful.
Sasha and Nina met for about a year. Parents looked at their relationship
favorably. Of course, they did not suspect that teenagers had been close for a long time.
In the afternoon, when Nina's parents were at work, the guys stayed in an empty
apartment, and when the parents came home from work, they pretended that they had just
finished school and went for a walk.
Once, at the most piquant moment, young lovers heard that
opened Entrance door and Nina's father came in, talking to some
a man, obviously a colleague from work. The teenagers recoiled from each other and
froze, not knowing what to do. Their clothes lay on the floor, but they
confused that they did not even try to get dressed. Nina buried her face in her knees and
she wailed: “Oh, what will happen now ?!”, but Sasha nevertheless caught himself and managed to
pull up your pants.
When Nina's father entered the room, he was at first dumbfounded, and then
pounced on Sasha, showering him with curses, slapped him in the face and
threw him out the door, and then threw his clothes. Sasha somehow dressed and
ran away home, and then trembled with the humiliation that he had been treated like
mischievous puppy.
Nina studied at another school, her parents forbade her after class
to leave the house, and the former "lovers" saw each other only from afar. Sasha already
I didn't want to meet her.
Over time, everything was forgotten, Sasha fell in love with another girl. She was
older than him, she lived alone and it would seem that nothing threatened him. However, in
similar situation, he constantly caught himself on the fact that, against his will,
listens to steps on the stairs, to the noise of the elevator, shudders at any
sound, from the creaking of the bed, and even from the voice of his partner. Of course he has
nothing succeeded. This was repeated several times, in the end the girl
got angry and called him "impotent". They quarreled and stopped
meet.
For several years, Sasha had no one. He finished school, went to
Institute, fell in love. But as soon as it came to intimacy, Sasha
covered goose bumps, was afraid of every sharp sound and again found himself
powerless. He tried to persuade himself that now he was already an adult, and
no one would throw him by the scruff of the neck, but he could not help himself.
Because of this, he broke up with one girl, then another.
Finally believing that he was a "sexual invalid", Sasha waved his hand
on women. Only at the age of 30 did he decide that this would continue.
can't, and came to me for a consultation.
Erectile dysfunction, regardless of the situation in which it happened,
can lead to depression, guilt, feelings of inadequacy
and is a stressor.
Fear of being powerless is experienced by many insecure
adolescents and young men who have an inferiority complex, not even associated with
sexual life.
Among adolescents, there are those who change sexual partners "like
gloves" - today one, tomorrow another, the day after tomorrow the third. They show off
with their sexual "exploits" in front of their friends, and they secretly envy them and
complex.
In fact, there is nothing to envy here. Psychiatrists call it
Don Juanism Syndrome. It is characteristic of those who are not confident in their
sexual abilities. It is these doubts that drive him constantly
change sexual partners to "test yourself." Thus teenager
asserts itself, trying to prove to himself and to everyone around him that
he is supposed to be fine. But in reality, not everything is in order. This
just says the opposite - about his sexual weakness. Moreover, by herself
a frequent change of "bed" partners is one of the reasons
subsequent occurrence of sexual disorders, and the risk of failure with a new
partner rises. So he gets himself into a trap. And my
insolvency is trying to cover up bragging.
Normally, ejaculation should occur 2-6 minutes after the onset
sexual intercourse and on average, after 30-50 frictions (movements of the penis during
vagina). Premature ejaculation (premature ejaculation) -
is the occurrence of orgasm and ejaculation almost immediately after insertion
penis into the vagina or even before that. With early ejaculation
(even before the introduction of the penis into the vagina) to have sexual intercourse
impossible, because after ejaculation, the erection disappears.
In adolescents, due to strong sexual overexcitation, the first sexual
the act usually ends after a few frictions, and for some
ejaculation occurs before the introduction of the penis into the vagina, with
contact of the penis with the entrance to the vagina, but can also occur in
period of preliminary erotic caresses, even when they are not associated with
touching his genitals. Ejaculation can occur when
kisses, when touching the partner's genitals, and even at the time
when she undresses before intercourse. An erection may be
normal or partial. In some cases, ejaculation occurs even
in the absence of an erection.
All the teenagers I talked to said that the first time everyone
ended too quickly, there was not even any special sensations, and
just a few cramps and that's it, no better than masturbation.
This discouraged them. Partners were also disappointed. teenagers,
heard from friends that someone is able to "cut" for half an hour,
feel inadequate and are afraid that next time everything will be all over again
ends too quickly. That is exactly what happens most of the time. The more
a teenager is afraid and doubts his abilities, the greater the risk that
he'll be "disgraced" again. A teenager with fear expects failure, but from excitement
he either does not have an erection, or he ejaculates before the onset of sexual intercourse, or
a few seconds after the start of intercourse. Sexual over time
disorder (sexual dysfunction) becomes persistent.
Alexey, one of my patients, complained about
premature ejaculation. He said that as a teenager, he fell in love with
his sister's girlfriend, who was 6 years older than him. At first he is quiet
suffered, not daring to confess, but one day he mustered up the courage and confessed to her
love. She laughed at him, saying that he still had to grow up. But still
she liked that a teenager was so touchingly in love with her. Young woman
flirted with him, as if inadvertently touching him, inoffensively
joking. In his dreams, Lesha imagined her naked, as he confidently
takes him, and she is thrilled with happiness in his arms.
One day, under some pretext, she invited him to visit her. On
legs trembling with excitement, he came with a bouquet of flowers. Girl don't
began to waste time in vain and immediately carried him into the bedroom.
Lyosha was confused, sweating all over, tangled in the sleeves of his shirt,
could unzip his jeans, it got stuck, and he was angry and in a hurry.
Having dealt with lightning, he was terribly proud, facing the future
mistress already with an erection. But it didn't last long. As soon as he to her
touched, and then it all ended. She tried not to show her
disappointment and consoled him that he was just worried. But the more
she consoled him, the more Lesha felt sorry for himself and eventually burst into tears.
A few days later, she again invited him to her place, and again everything
repeated. He felt so humiliated and unhappy that he did not
listen to her sympathetic words and immediately left. On the way home he
in despair he muttered to himself: "I hate, I hate, I hate you all!" Whom
it was he who hated and for what, he himself did not know. Most of all he despised
himself. Then this girl came to his sister more than once, and Lesha
hiding in his room.
Later he had several more partners, and everything was repeated, as in
first time. Five years have passed, Lesha met a girl, she is very
liked him, but he was afraid that he would be dishonored again, and tried to avoid
closeness situations. It was going to the wedding, Lesha realized that this
the problem needs to be solved, and asked for help.
By a similar mechanism, this sexual dysfunction occurs when
sexual intercourse occurs in an inappropriate situation if there are others nearby
people, or someone can enter the room, as well as in cases where the sexual
the act is interrupted by some external interference.
Premature ejaculation is primarily associated with
psychological factors - fear of being insolvent, concern
their sexual abilities, having sex "hurriedly", lack of control
over yourself, falling in love and overexcitation, first sexual intercourse
teenage virgin or the first intercourse with a new partner, even if
teenager already has sexual experience. Like a weak erection, premature
ejaculation may be the result of sexual intercourse in adolescence
age that occurred in situations where it was undesirable for them
detection. The need to finish quickly also negatively affects
sexual intercourse, for example, if there are fears of external interference or the appearance
strangers.
Premature ejaculation may be caused by a teenager's fear that
partner can get pregnant, her requests and comments before and during
sexual intercourse. Coitus interruptus, which is practiced for the purpose
contraception is also one of the most common causes
occurrence of premature ejaculation. At the same time, you need to quickly
remove the penis from the vagina to avoid the entry of sperm into it.
In adolescents, this increases arousal and accelerates the onset of ejaculation.
The essence of control over ejaculation comes down to the ability to control
own sexual arousal. Only experienced men are capable of this,
who are specially trained. And teenagers because of the high sexual
excitability cannot control ejaculation, so almost everyone
ejaculation happens too fast. So the stories that
"poison" teenagers, boasting that they are capable of real sexual intercourse, although
during the time that is considered normal for intercourse - all this
lies.
One or two and it's over - that's something like this is "sex life"
most teenagers.
The whole trouble is that this stereotype is fixed and persists even
many years later. Men who suffer from premature ejaculation cannot
neither anticipate the onset of ejaculation nor regulate it when
emotional stress is high. You have to go through a long course of sex therapy,
to learn to control ejaculation and reach at least the lower limit
duration of sexual intercourse.
Women contemptuously call such partners "rabbits".
Most of the patients who complained about
premature ejaculation, began to live sexually too early, even
being teenagers. Then this disorder became so
expressed, which cost a man in a situation of intimacy just to think
about the possibility of premature ejaculation, as it immediately came.
It's all about the high sexual excitability characteristic of adolescence
age. The sexual sphere is so vulnerable that the slightest negative
factors negatively affect sexual performance.
Sexual dysfunction opposite to premature ejaculation -
delayed ejaculation. It means that ejaculation does not occur for a very long time and
it takes a long time from the beginning of sexual intercourse to its completion, despite
on the partner's desire to accelerate ejaculation.
Only beginners may believe that prolonged intercourse is what
need to. In fact, there is nothing good in this. Impossibility for a long time
achieving sexual discharge is extremely painful. In addition, long-term friction
mucous membranes causes trauma to the genital organs and inflammatory
processes.
The reason for delayed ejaculation may be demands from a teenager
certain sexual activities. For example, a more experienced partner gives
"guidelines" on what and how exactly he should do. A teenager has it
causes a subconscious protest, he wants to dominate himself and be
"real man" and not follow the instructions of his mistress.
Even adult men do not tolerate when a woman commands in bed, but
already teenagers and even more so.
Unwanted comments from a partner during intimacy,
discussion of how he conducts intercourse and his sexual abilities - all this
is a brake on the growth of excitation, so ejaculation
delayed.
The cause of delayed ejaculation may be sexual trauma, for example,
real or perceived betrayal of a lover. Feelings of guilt and shame too
has an inhibitory effect on ejaculation. Delayed ejaculation may be
associated with psychological discomfort, stiffness of a teenager,
inability to fully relax and feel liberated,
"go to the end" or completely surrender to a partner (especially if
the teenager does not have passionate feelings for her).
Sometimes teenagers have sexual contacts with a girl who is not
like it, but with any available partner who doesn’t like it at all, but
refuses no one.
The inability to ejaculate may be due to the subconscious
dislike for a sexual partner or her erotic unattractiveness.
"Affordable" girls, as a rule, are far from beauties with a figure
fashion models; some of them are real ugly girls who try to at least
thus attract the opposite sex. Almost all minors
sluts who visited our teen department (parents fused
them in mental asylum, being unable to cope with them), - were
terrible as a mortal sin. In addition, they are all terrible sluts and do not
take care of personal hygiene. Who will like it when a partner "carries"
the smell of an unwashed body and traces of other people's sins?! So what about erotic
the attractiveness of such girls is out of the question. Somewhere in a dark basement after
a glass of alcohol, she will still fit as an object for sexual
discharge, and in daylight it is simply physically disgusting to a teenager.
External distractions that are distracting can also cause delays
ejaculation. Ejaculation may be absent with too frequent sexual intercourse.
acts.
Delayed ejaculation can be caused by fear of unwanted
partner's pregnancy. If she is afraid of getting pregnant, and to prevent
pregnancy, young lovers practice coitus interruptus, then
teenager is very afraid that he will ejaculate before he
can stop intercourse. Because of this, he is in constant tension, which
prevents the growth of arousal.
The problem is that any sexual disorder, once it occurs, has
tendency to repeat. It can manifest itself even in a completely different, completely different
favorable situation, as soon as a teenager only remembers his past
failure. Or he may have an association with that old situation.
Then the sexual disorder is fixed and is reflected in the further
sexual life.
Any situations that hurt pride, teenagers endure extremely
painful, and what concerns manhood is painful
doubly.
The fear of repeating failure may not even be realized, but it will manifest itself.
suddenly. After all, the psyche of a teenager is still unstable and difficult to predict,
what a surprise she will prepare. There is no more traumatic factor for the psyche,
than anything to do with sexual
abilities of a man, regardless of his age - from a teenager to
advanced years.
Even with the loss of an arm, leg, one kidney or eye, adolescents, youths and
men can still come to terms, but never with the loss of sexual abilities.
This is a loss of self-esteem, the ground for complexes, a lack of interest in women
sex to him and himself to female gender and sometimes depression and even
suicide attempts.
Sexually impaired men tend to avoid women and
never decide to get married. And already at the age of 30-35, when parents complain that
the son is still not married, he is forced to turn to a sex therapist. And only
then it turns out that the reason lies in an unsuccessful sexual experience
adolescence.
These are the problems that can arise when a teenager tries to cheat
physiology. No wonder all doctors emphasize that sex in adolescence
age can have very undesirable consequences. If this weren't
was - why would we call teenagers to be more circumspect?
It would seem that doctors don’t care - if teenagers really want to, let them
They do what they want, just let them protect themselves. In real life
it turns out that the parents are not able to keep track of their son, and he, through
for several years he comes to the doctor, depressed and unhappy, and asks him
help. Isn't it too expensive a price for a very dubious pleasure -
as a teenager, to have sexual contacts with the same inept
peers?
The candy-bouquet period sooner or later quite logically leads lovers to bed. Let's assume that until this moment everything in the relationship was good and cloudless. And in bed they suffered a complete fiasco ... To understand what to do next with this, you need to dwell a little on the possible scenarios of this very failure, because failures are completely different.
Physiology
The most common problem that occurs on the first horizontal date, what doctors call "erectile dysfunction." This is when a man is so tense that one of his details is tense to right level hardness cannot. The situation is certainly not the most pleasant and at the same time the easiest to solve. For women, I have good news - your chosen one is not at all impotent. Men who have such a disorder are of a stable nature are well aware of this and simply do not bring the matter to bed or warn in advance. And if a man initially showed activity and transferred everything to a horizontal plane, then he was sure that his “friend” would not let him down. And what happened for him is the same surprise as it is for you. Now let's look at the most common causes similar fiasco and find out what to do.
The man is tired or worried. Maybe you shouldn't have rushed things. You can always understand when a person is exhausted at work or blushes with excitement. But if this happened, then this is not a disaster at all. The main thing here is to get out of the situation as delicately as possible, expressing confidence that next time everything will definitely work out, and in no case show disappointment. At the next meeting, pretend that nothing terrible happened, but do not immediately try to repeat it. We continue to flirt and flirt as if nothing had happened, unobtrusively probing something in our pants.
If everything was done correctly, then you will find there an elastic response to your touch. Well, then it's a matter of technology.
The man drank too much. In general, the situation is similar to the previous one, except that appearing at the first meeting in the field of view of the girl you are courting, in such an unattractive form, is a rather alarming signal. If this is just an accident or the result of factors beyond his control (well, he was at a corporate party!), Then you need to act in the same way as in the previous example. But if such a disgrace is based on systematic alcohol abuse, it makes sense to think about whether it is worth continuing the relationship at all.
The man demands additional stimulation. Everything is fine with him, but in order to "get into shape", he needs additional efforts on your part. For example, he will definitely turn on if you allow yourself to be lightly spanked. Or take pictures in spicy poses. Or engage in some non-traditional type of sex. Here is already cause for concern. Firstly, most likely he is not interested in you specifically, but in this or that kind of sex. Hardly worth the wait Serious relationships from a man who offers to dress up in a schoolgirl costume at the first intimate meeting and who (accidentally, of course!) brought it with him. Secondly, he obviously has a rich sexual experience, and his habits can become a problem in the future, especially if you do not practice what he is used to. And thirdly, the first meeting is clearly not a testing ground for bold sexual experiments, this can be dealt with later. If feelings are present, everything will work immediately and as it should without latex and a pig mask. In general, what can I say, "Run, Lola, run!".
At the very interesting point someone calls a man or a text message drops, and so on several times. And that's it, nothing works. If such external factors affected the erection, it means that the comrade has a somewhat shattered psyche. Mutually passionate lovers with relatively strong nerves cannot be distracted from the process by either a coughing grandmother behind the wall, or a snoring neighbor in a student dormitory, or all the passengers of the night train taken together. long distance- verified. And if the guy’s psyche is in order, then why does he react to text messages like that? Obviously he is afraid of some kind of call and cannot concentrate. Former? Or maybe, in general, the former, who does not yet know that she is the former? Yes, even if it's just an evil boss - why not turn off the phone at all? In general, if a boy is tuned in to love, it makes sense for him to turn off all external stimuli. And then the girl will decide that he is at least not collected and scattered. Or that too nervous. Or that he has another. And send it, you know where.
Psychology
If everything is quite simple with physiology, then with psychological reasons failures in the first sex can be stuck for a long time. Moreover, if in the case of a physiological inability to have sexual intercourse, this is primarily a problem of the carrier of a known organ, then here the reason may be hidden both in his head and in her.
It usually looks like this. Hugs, kisses, touches, and maybe even more frank actions, the most that neither is sex, and suddenly ... Everything. We've arrived. Both understand that something is wrong, tense, sit on the bed and are silent. She may cry. He can go crazy. The most irreparable thing that can happen next is silence. If you can’t speak, then that’s it, you can consider there will be no relationship. Dressed and dispersed like ships at sea. Therefore, we must speak.
But, of course, it’s not the first thing that comes to mind! The worst option is to turn the case into a confrontation, into a claim. “Well, what's wrong? What do you not like?" Jokes and humor will help defuse the situation, but at the same time you need to show maximum tact, otherwise you can bring everything down with one word. “I once fell asleep next to a log on a hike, so the sensations were exactly the same as now!” It’s better not to touch on this delicate situation right away, but to talk about something abstract in order to relieve tension. And after that, calmly say goodbye (but not forever, of course!) And slowly think about everything that happened.
Perhaps people just turned out to be strangers in bed. It happens, you have to break up. Then the feeling of disgust will only grow, there's nothing you can do about it, you won't be forced to be nice. The hardest part is admitting this to yourself.
Perhaps you had different expectations, different stereotypes sexual behavior. He was waiting for an Amazon with disheveled hair, screaming with passion, and she was waiting for him to tell her the tale of the unicorn. If there is attraction, but it could not break through the complexes, stereotypes and attitudes, you need to communicate, meet, talk a lot and very carefully grope for scenarios that are acceptable to both. The path is difficult, but not hopeless.
Or maybe it was just a bad day, and it's worth trying another time. Factors traumatizing the subtle mental organization great amount, and all of them can provoke a similar failure. You should not immediately say “this is not mine” - you need to take a breath, calm down, think. And if the next day the hand itself reaches for the phone, it means that everything is not hopeless, it means that it is worth trying again and again. As the ancient Roman poet wrote, “Love conquers everything.” The main thing is that she was. And everything else will follow. Well, or rise, in our case.
Relations with a new admirer have already reached their climax, and now comes the first night that you are waiting for and looking forward to. The most rosy pictures are always drawn in the imagination, but the reality can be disappointing. The first sex with a new partner often turns out to be unsuccessful, which can adversely affect the development of relationships or even slow them down. Should we jump to conclusions? The author of lady.mail.ru, psychologist-consultant of the St. Petersburg "Sundeev Center" Rodion Chepalov and a practicing psychologist, consultant for personal and professional development Ekaterina Zalota understand the problem.
The problems of the first night are different - everything goes either too quickly, or somehow indistinctly, sometimes rudely, and sometimes you just feel disappointed. In sex, anyone can be who they are, and it is not surprising that at the first time we may not be ready for new experiences.
Reasons for failure
Statistics show that every second couple fails to have sex for the first time. In sex with a new partner, we show our old habits, and sometimes they do not serve us well. in the best way. In addition, for the first time, both partners are under the influence of a passionate desire, which can both “liberate” too much, and, conversely, pinch and prevent their desires from manifesting. There is also such a feature: partners want to show themselves to each other in the most favorable light with all their might, to please at any cost, and they are very “overstrained”. This interferes with the natural process.
Sometimes partners (and especially women) are very disturbed by comparisons with "former". These sentimental journeys into the past are not the best fuel for a new relationship, but it is hardly possible to completely abstract from this.
In why sex does not work out, physiological reasons are no less important. If a man has not had sexual contact for a long time, ejaculation can happen much earlier than orgasm, not to mention the fact that you may simply not have time to get involved in the process properly. The degree of tension is great, and this is normal for the situation. This can please a woman in its own way, because if he waited so long, it means that he is faithful and really wants her very much.
Spontaneity does not always have a good effect on sex. It is quite possible that one of the partners was simply not mentally prepared for sex, but succumbed to this very spontaneity. Often the causes of failure are fears, for example, before pregnancy. Even if the issues of protection were discussed in advance, with a new partner you still cannot be sure that you will be taken care of.
“The reasons for an unsuccessful first sex may be tactlessness, inattention to feelings - one’s own and a partner’s, emotional immaturity, excessive haste, - says Rodion Chepalov. - People with repressed sexuality do not know how to negotiate, do not feel a partner, cannot ask for help, take care of themselves and their partner, give pleasure. Also, one of the reasons may be an unfinished story in the past or feelings for a former partner. Some even enter new sexual relations not out of love, but "to forget the old." All this does not contribute to harmony in bed. Hurry and the formal-physiological approach are bad.
The reasons for unsuccessful sex can also be purely external circumstances, for example, unsuccessful conditions. In order for everything to work out for the first time and at the highest level, you still need to be fully relaxed.
“Everything influences equally,” says Rodion Chepalov. - Unfortunate conditions create tension in terms of being taken by surprise, alcohol intoxication disorienting, fears (“how I look”) pinch”.
Preventive measures
Is it possible to insure as much as possible from an unsuccessful first time? First, you can talk about your expectations and try to clarify your partner's wishes. Secondly, listen to your intuition, and not think about the “technicality” of the process, do less “thinking” and analyzing why you can’t have sex the way you want. Finally, try with all your might to distract yourself from all sorts of memories and comparisons - there is no place for a third person in bed.
Do not expect "everything at once" and try to try everything. Not everyone is ready for sex experiments.
“Emotional maturity will help in this process, psychological readiness to complex actions, the ability to behave, the ability to take responsibility, offer help, the desire to please a partner, - says Rodion Chepalov. - In second place - sexual culture: knowledge of how the body works, what difficulties can arise and how to overcome them. It is also important to completely end previous relationships so that they do not dominate new ones and do not spoil your sex life with unpleasant memories.
Is it worth the rush?
Probably not. A rush of passion is a well-known thing, but there is plenty of evidence that women are more likely to regret, for example, sex on a first date. It is better when partners know each other better.
“I would suggest doing this not “by calculation” (“the hour has struck”), but “out of love,” says Rodion Chepalov. - The motivation can be: “I love this person, so I want to be with him right now in a special relationship, I want to be happy with him and make him (her) happy.” It seems to me that the emotional fullness of the relationship is most important. But also we must not forget about pregnancy planning, prevention, hygiene issues in critical days- this can and should stop any sex, even if there is love.
Reactions and aftermath
Someone is able to step over a bad experience and turn a blind eye to it, but for someone it becomes a source of deep feelings.
“After unsuccessful sex, frustration, disappointment, a feeling of hopelessness, uselessness and inferiority often come,” says Rodion Chepalov. - It is especially unpleasant when non-constructive comparisons come into your head. There can be both apathy and indifference, and, conversely, claims or tears. Roll on depressive states: “if it didn’t work out, it means they don’t like me”, “I’m bad”, but at the same time, if there is an emotional involvement that is not limited to attraction, you can pay attention to other things - treat with understanding, help. Then failure will not be so experienced and everything can be corrected.
How to fix mistakes
Take into account the fact that when meeting with a new partner, a woman experiences an orgasm, on average, only ten times. It takes time to get used to each other, and if sex does not work out the first time, this does not mean that there will be problems in the future.
If the first night was unsuccessful, you should not act next time on the principle of sharp contrast and under the slogan "everything needs to be changed urgently." It's better to do it gradually.
A sense of humor is everything! Any failure can be turned into a cute joke.
“Immediately after an unsuccessful event, it is worth treating the situation with understanding, perhaps talking with a partner (but later and if you think it is appropriate), asking to correct behavior, develop tactics for further actions, ask for help,” says Rodion Chepalov.
If this is a casual connection, you can try to reduce the level of significance of what happened: “think about it ...”, “it's okay ...”, “this is not the worst thing that can happen.” It is important that you do not transfer dramatic experience from one story to another and do not drag the tail of experiences with you.
If you intend to continue the relationship, criticism and claims can escalate the situation and leave an unpleasant aftertaste. It is also hardly worth focusing on failure. It is better to review the romantic tape and repeat everything with a different mood.
The "unsuccessful" first time is an estimate. So, there was some idea of how it should be, but in relations with another person this is obviously a failure, not for the first time, then for the second, - Ekaterina Zalota sums up. - Whether to give a chance depends on what meaning you put into it. Is it again an expectation of what will be according to your ideal idea, or are you ready to see in the so-called failure a chance to look deeper and wider at your relationship? It is important to think about what ideal you are looking for compliance with, what is closeness for each of you, whether your ideas about it coincide. And at the same time, look at whether you can convey your desires, your ideas to another person.
Ekaterina Shcheglova
Sex. Photo illustrative
Relations with a new admirer have already reached their climax, and now comes the first night that you are waiting for and looking forward to. The most rosy pictures are always drawn in the imagination, but the reality can be disappointing. The first sex with a new partner often turns out to be unsuccessful, which can adversely affect the development of relationships or even slow them down. Should we jump to conclusions? The author of lady.mail.ru, psychologist-consultant of the St. Petersburg "Sundeev Center" Rodion Chepalov and a practicing psychologist, consultant for personal and professional development Ekaterina Zalota understand the problem.
The problems of the first night are different - everything goes either too quickly, or somehow indistinctly, sometimes rudely, and sometimes you just feel disappointed. In sex, anyone can be who they are, and it is not surprising that at the first time we may not be ready for new experiences.
Statistics show that every second couple fails to have sex for the first time. In sex with a new partner, we show our old habits, and sometimes they do not serve us in the best way. In addition, for the first time, both partners are under the influence of a passionate desire, which can both “liberate” too much, and, conversely, pinch and prevent their desires from manifesting. There is also such a feature: partners want to show themselves to each other in the most favorable light with all their might, to please at any cost, and they are very “overstrained”. This interferes with the natural process.
Sometimes partners (and especially women) are very disturbed by comparisons with "former". These sentimental journeys into the past are not the best fuel for a new relationship, but it is hardly possible to completely abstract from this.
In why sex does not work out, physiological reasons are no less important. If a man has not had sexual contact for a long time, ejaculation can happen much earlier than orgasm, not to mention the fact that you may simply not have time to get involved in the process properly. The degree of tension is great, and this is normal for the situation. This can please a woman in its own way, because if he waited so long, it means that he is faithful and really wants her very much.
Spontaneity does not always have a good effect on sex. It is quite possible that one of the partners was simply not mentally prepared for sex, but succumbed to this very spontaneity. Often the causes of failure are fears, for example, before pregnancy. Even if the issues of protection were discussed in advance, with a new partner you still cannot be sure that you will be taken care of.
“The reasons for an unsuccessful first sex may be tactlessness, inattention to feelings - one’s own and a partner’s, emotional immaturity, excessive haste,” says Rodion Chepalov. - People with repressed sexuality do not know how to negotiate, do not feel a partner, cannot ask for help, take care of themselves and their partner, give pleasure. Also, one of the reasons may be an unfinished story in the past or feelings for a former partner. Some generally enter into new sexual relationships not out of love, but "to forget the old." All this does not contribute to harmony in bed. Hurry and the formal-physiological approach are bad.
The reasons for unsuccessful sex can also be purely external circumstances, for example, unsuccessful conditions. In order for everything to work out for the first time and at the highest level, you still need to be fully relaxed.
“Everything influences equally,” says Rodion Chepalov. “Unfortunate conditions create tension in terms of being caught off guard, alcohol intoxication is disorienting, fears (“what do I look like”) are pinching.”
Preventive measures
Is it possible to insure as much as possible from an unsuccessful first time? First, you can talk about your expectations and try to clarify your partner's wishes. Secondly, listen to your intuition, and not think about the “technicality” of the process, do less “thinking” and analyzing why you can’t have sex the way you want. Finally, try with all your might to distract yourself from all sorts of memories and comparisons - there is no place for a third person in bed.
Do not expect "everything at once" and try to try everything. Not everyone is ready for sex experiments.
“Emotional maturity, psychological readiness for complex actions, the ability to behave, the ability to take responsibility, offer help, and the desire to please a partner will help in this process,” says Rodion Chepalov. - In second place is sexual culture: knowledge of how the body works, what difficulties may arise and how to overcome them. It is also important to completely end previous relationships so that they do not dominate new ones and do not spoil your sex life with unpleasant memories.
Is it worth the rush?
Probably not. A rush of passion is a well-known thing, but there is plenty of evidence that women are more likely to regret, for example, sex on a first date. It is better when partners know each other better.
“I would suggest doing this not “by calculation” (“the hour has struck”), but “out of love,” says Rodion Chepalov. - The motivation can be: “I love this person, so I want to be with him right now in a special relationship, I want to be happy with him and make him (her) happy.” It seems to me that the emotional fullness of the relationship is most important. But also we must not forget about pregnancy planning, prevention, hygiene issues on critical days - this can and should stop any sex, even if there is love.
Reactions and aftermath
Someone is able to step over a bad experience and turn a blind eye to it, but for someone it becomes a source of deep feelings.
“After unsuccessful sex, frustration, disappointment, a feeling of hopelessness, uselessness and inferiority often come,” says Rodion Chepalov. - It is especially unpleasant when non-constructive comparisons come into your head. There can be both apathy and indifference, and, conversely, claims or tears. Depressive states roll in: “if this didn’t work out, it means they don’t like me”, “I’m bad”, but at the same time, if there is an emotional involvement that is not limited to attraction, you can pay attention to other things - treat with understanding, help. Then failure will not be so experienced and everything can be corrected.
How to fix mistakes
Take into account the fact that when meeting with a new partner, a woman experiences an orgasm, on average, only ten times. It takes time to get used to each other, and if sex does not work out the first time, this does not mean that there will be problems in the future.
A person remembers the first sexual experience for the rest of his life and therefore a lot depends on how everything went. For the first time, everything is important: in what conditions and where the sex took place, what were the relations of young people, whether they gave each other pleasure, whether fear was avoided.
Unfortunately, both guys and girls often go for the first intimacy, as if performing a feat. Not because of the desire for sex, per se. The motives are completely different - to prove to yourself and your partner that "I am already an adult and worth something." Usually this is the motivation. Although the first time in young men may be motivated by an excess of hormones. Girls take this step because “it’s time”, “I’m one of my friends who hasn’t done it yet”, “my boyfriend insists on it, I can’t refuse.”
The problem is that all these reasons are conventions that are accepted among adolescents. Good reason for the first time there should be a mutual desire of both partners. Both the guy and the girl must understand what is happening in this moment. There must be mutual understanding in a couple - without it, one cannot proceed to intimacy. For example, a girl should say that she is hurt or unpleasant, and for this you need trusting relationship.
What threatens the first unsuccessful sexual experience
According to experts, the first sex should not be in a hurry. Unsuccessful early sexual experience may have Negative consequences. Psychologists and sexologists have long established that if the psyche of a young man or girl is not ready to enter into intimate life, then this is fraught with trauma to the psyche, which can lead to various kinds of complexes. Such complexes are later life impede quality sexual relations.
Another negative factor- an increase in the percentage of HIV infections. For the first time, many neglect the use of technical contraception. In case of illness, people do not understand what is happening to them, and they are embarrassed to go to the doctor. As a result, the disease may become launched form or even become chronic. And even after the cure, some guys and girls are afraid to have sex, because there is a fear of getting infected again.
In 90 cases out of 100, the first unsuccessful sexual experience causes frigidity in a girl, sexual disharmony, her inability to have an orgasm and a negative attitude towards the male sex.
How to understand that "already possible"
The first time is beautiful between loving people, in a pair where there is trust. When the important thing is not sex, as such, not experience, not an orgasm (which the girl will not have for the first time), but the unity of two people between whom there are feelings. Tenderness, happiness, joy, gratitude - the first sex can be colored by a variety of positive emotions.
How parents can help
Today, when children learn about sex very early, and not from the best sources, important role plays parental wisdom. There is no need to avoid talking with a teenager about sex, on the contrary, be sincere with your child, there should be a trusting relationship between you. Tell your teenager about the feelings he/she may be experiencing, about contraceptives and their importance. Say that you can rely on and tell everything - be a friend to your child in any situation.
What to do if the first time was unsuccessful
If your first sexual experience failed and you find it difficult to survive; if your further sexual life is connected with complexes - do not hesitate and go for a face-to-face consultation with a psychologist. In this case, you should not trust friends and the Internet, you need professional help from a psychologist and work on yourself.
