A quarter of a century ago John Gabarro And John Kotter introduced a new concept of the relationship between a manager and a subordinate. The authors concluded that this interaction is based on mutual dependence. A manager needs the support of reliable and honest subordinates. And managers need help from their bosses to connect with colleagues, set priorities, and gain access to critical resources. If your relationship with your boss is not going smoothly, try to change it. By doing this you will benefit not only yourself, but also others.
John Gabarro - professor, member of the Foundation UPS , teacher of personnel management theory at Harvard Business School. John Kotter - professor in the program Konosuke Matsushita, taught leadership theory at Harvard Business School.
The expression “managed by the boss” will seem strange or suspicious to many: it is believed that if subordinates try to influence their superiors, it is only in pursuit of personal or political goals. But we do not mean manipulation, but conscious work with management in order to achieve best results. Judging by numerous studies, those managers who work best are those who build relationships not only with their subordinates, but also with their seniors. However, many of their talented and energetic colleagues ignore this most important aspect management and try to avoid bosses.
Instructive story Frank Gibbons will dissuade anyone who doubts the need to develop relationships with management. Frank was known in his industry as a production genius and in 1973 he deservedly took the post of vice president of production of one of the largest companies in the industry. But he did not know how to manage people, so the president of the company selected subordinates for him who knew how to establish relationships with management.
One of Gibbons' subordinates was Philip Bonvie, with a reputation for being able to work with superiors. However, the president did not take into account that during his dizzying career, Bonvie was lucky only with “good” bosses. Bonvie lasted a little longer with Gibbons more than a year: he was fired, and the company suffered losses for the first time in seven years. The reason is clear: while the company was developing a major new product, Gibbons and Bonvie were constantly at odds. For example, according to Bonvie, Gibbons personally approved his proposal to produce a new product on new equipment, but Gibbons completely denies this, since the production of a new product is too important to create additional risks. As a result new plant did not establish production in the volumes required by the sales department, and costs exceeded the level planned by management.
It can be said that the problem arose from Gibbons' inability to manage his subordinates. But another statement will be no less true - the reason lies in Bonvie’s inability to manage his boss, because Gibbons did not have such disagreements with other employees.
The wrong view of relationships with management
Stories like this are often thought to be the result of hostile relationships. Indeed, colleagues may have psychological incompatibility, but personal conflict is often only part of the problem. Some subordinates believe that the boss does not depend on them; they do not notice that for successful work he needs their help, confidence in their reliability and honesty. Others are confident that they have little dependence on their superiors. It seems to them that they can do just fine without the help of a leader. For some reason, many subordinates are confident that their leader himself knows how to help them.
In light of the above, we believe that for effective management In relationships, each of us needs:
- understand yourself and your boss - his and your strengths and weaknesses, peculiarities of work style and interests;
- Based on this understanding, maintain normal working relationships that do not conflict with the work style, expectations and interests of each of you.
Understand the boss
To establish a normal relationship with your boss, try to understand him and appreciate the conditions in which he works. Every subordinate should ask himself a few questions about his boss. What are its goals? What requirements do senior management and colleagues place on him? What are its strengths and weaknesses? What is his working style? How does he prefer to receive information? Without knowing this, the subordinate will not be able to manage the relationship with the manager, which will inevitably affect the work.
One day, a marketer who had received the position of vice president of a company that was experiencing financial difficulties and had recently been acquired by a large corporation turned to us for help. The task was formulated for him as follows: to solve the problems of marketing and sales. The President initially gave the Vice President carte blanche. The vice president changed product prices and planned higher production volumes to increase market share.
After profits fell and financial performance did not improve, the president began to put more pressure on the new deputy, but he stood his ground. When profits were still low at the end of two quarters, the president took control and, regardless of production, set tight margins. Unfortunately, the president's proposed pricing scheme also failed, and both were fired by the fourth quarter.
The vice president believed that the head of the company wanted to increase sales, but the president also had another goal - to make the business profitable as quickly as possible. The vice president also had no idea that his boss was personally interested in this, since it was he who advocated the purchase of the company and his reputation depended on the success of the business. The Vice President made three major mistakes: he was satisfied with the information he was given; began to deal with issues on which he did not have enough information; did not try to find out for himself the goals of the president. As a result, his actions began to contradict the interests of the head of the company.
Managers who manage to work harmoniously with their bosses try to understand the manager’s goals and the requirements placed on him, if possible, compare their assessments with the boss’s opinion, and analyze his behavior. It is necessary to take into account the working style of the boss, especially a new one. A democratic manager, who largely relies on intuition, can be replaced by an organized formalist, accustomed to working with written reports and holding official meetings according to a pre-approved agenda.
Understand yourself
The other side is you. And it’s easier for you to change yourself than your boss. If you understand what hinders or, conversely, helps you work with him, you can make your relationship more fruitful.
For example, one manager could not agree with his boss on a single controversial issue. If he defended his opinion, the manager did not give up, but looked for logical inconsistencies in his opponent’s statements. In response, the boss defended his point of view even more fiercely. The only way to change the situation, the manager decided, was to learn to behave differently. Now, when the discussion reached a dead end, he suggested taking a break, calmly thinking everything over and only then continuing the conversation. Usually after a break they reached an agreement.
Although the relationship between a superior and a subordinate is based on mutual dependence, the subordinate still depends more on the superior. Therefore, an employee feels disappointed when a manager limits him in some way. Some subordinates instinctively reject the authority of the leader and resist all his decisions simply out of a sense of contradiction. Psychologists call this behavior counterdependent. Counterdependent employees are difficult to manage and have tense relationships with management, especially authoritarian ones. Their bosses turn into their enemies and stop trusting them. Oddly enough, such employees often turn out to be good leaders.
People of the opposite type suppress their discontent and completely obey their superiors. They will agree even when the boss expects them to object. This is the same hyperreaction as that of counterdependents. Suppressing their dissatisfaction, they perceive their boss as a wise father who will take care of their career and protect them from attacks from colleagues.
Both types of employees develop misconceptions about the leader. They do not understand that the boss is a person just like them, imperfect and making mistakes. He also has little free time and no encyclopedic knowledge. He is often subject to pressure from outside, and he has to make decisions that go against the interests of his subordinates.
Relationship management
When you have a clear understanding of yourself and your boss, you'll be more likely to work together to work more effectively. Here are some aspects of such relationships.
Work compatibility. A good relationship with the manager assume compatibility of work styles. Subordinates can adapt to the work style of managers who Peter Drucker divides into “listeners” and “readers”. The former prefer to get acquainted with reports submitted in advance, the latter prefer to receive information orally so that they can ask questions. It’s not difficult to adapt to your boss’s decision-making style. Some managers like to participate in solving a problem from the very beginning (it is better to consult with them more often). Others entrust matters to subordinates and try not to touch the resolution of the problem (they should be contacted only on the most difficult issues).
Mutual expectations. The subordinate who thinks that he knows what his boss expects from him is mistaken. Leaders who can clearly state their requirements are a rarity. Therefore, the subordinate himself must find out what the boss wants.
Of course, it is difficult to understand a person who is too vague or reluctant to talk about his expectations. But smart managers find opportunities to find out what they need. Some write down their work point by point and discuss them with their boss. Others have informal conversations with the manager about “good management” and “our goals.” Still others receive information indirectly: through their boss's colleagues at previous jobs or at formal meetings at which their boss reports to management.
Subordinates should also formulate their expectations and force the boss to accept the conditions that are most important to you. It is especially important to do this if he always tries to set the bar higher in everything.
Information flow. The amount of information a boss needs depends on his working style and the degree of trust in his subordinate. Good manager always senses when the manager lacks data and tries to “enlighten” him in a way that is convenient for both.
Dependency and honesty. Nothing ties a leader's hands like a subordinate who can't be relied upon. Many employees themselves are to blame for the fact that their bosses stop trusting them: they do not take into account or have a poor understanding of their boss’s priorities. Perhaps the manager will initially like excessive optimism when assessing delivery dates, but he is unlikely to be happy about missed deadlines.
Of course, employees usually do not deliberately deceive management, but sometimes they want to embellish the truth or downplay the significance of the issue. But if you remain silent about a potential problem, it threatens to turn into unexpected difficulties later. Dishonesty is most dangerous because it undermines trust, and the manager will be forced to control every step of his subordinate.
Proper use of time and resources. It's very possible that your boss has as little time, energy, and influence as you do. Subordinates often forget about such an obvious truth and bother management over trifles.
Abstract of the article Jonah Gabarro And John Kotter from the magazine "Harvard Business Review - Russia"
If the behavior of a real woman is cleaned out of manipulation, there will be no woman left. And first of all, men will be upset by this.
Most representatives of the fair half of humanity believe that they know how to manage men. In fact, only a few of them are fluent in this art.
Let's figure out what female manipulation is. Let's give an example: a beautiful long-legged girl in a very short skirt is walking down the street. Question: is the shape of her clothing manipulation? It all depends on whether she deliberately put on this particular skirt, whether she aimed to attract the attention of the surrounding men, whether she wanted to influence them with her long legs or she did it unconsciously, without pursuing any goals, but she just likes to dress like that. If she did this intentionally, then this is pure manipulation, but if she chose this particular item from her wardrobe completely by accident, then there is no manipulation.
The first rule of manipulation is so that your interlocutor does not notice that he is under your influence, so that he does not understand that he is dancing to someone else’s tune, so that the treacherous thought does not arise in his mind that he is being manipulated.
This is a book for those women who want to learn how to manage men and make them fulfill any desire. If you dream of influencing the behavior of your loved one, your friend or just a colleague, we invite you to an interesting, exciting journey into the depths of male psychology. Having studied 49 rules, you will arm yourself with a whole arsenal of the latest tactics, with the help of which you can subjugate any man to your will. Go for it.
Chapter 1
Three reasons to use manipulation
Rule #1
Men always want to see you as a woman
Have you set out to convince a man of something and don’t know how to start implementing your plan? Your main trump card is that you are a woman, and it would be a sin not to take advantage of this. Even if there is no and no plans between you and your interlocutor intimate relationships If this man is your boss or colleague, do not think that he does not notice that you are a woman. Here are just a few tips on how to use your charms to achieve the desired result.
In order to win over a man, you need to arouse physical attraction in your interlocutor. This kind of manipulation is based on the fact that a man in whom natural instincts awaken can no longer reason sensibly and logically. She feels in the power of a woman. Even if his mind tells him that he should not agree with you, that he should not give in and fulfill your desire, his flesh tells him the opposite. IN in this case His libido is your ally in the difficult task of managing a man, and your task is to awaken a man’s interest in you as a woman.
When preparing to talk to your “victim,” think ahead. You should dress a little more revealingly than usual. Just be careful not to overdo it. Remember the golden rule: a hint of nudity is sexier than nudity itself. You should look in such a way that there is room for male imagination. Don't show off all your charms. Give preference to a shallow neckline of the blouse, but do not forget to unbutton the top button, do not wear a skirt that is too short, it looks vulgar, it is better to choose the classic option - knee-length with a slit that slightly reveals the lace stocking. Choose your perfume and makeup carefully. The aroma should be very light, barely perceptible, so that your interlocutor does not begin to choke in the middle of the conversation. Nothing about you should irritate you.
If your interlocutor is equal to you in status, a colleague or friend, you can use the tactile influence method. You can touch a man, but not too openly. Light strokes on the shoulder or arm will evoke pleasant emotions in him. However, do not try to break the distance and enter the personal space of a person higher than you - your boss or teacher. This may be perceived as a sign of disrespect and insubordination.
If you manage to create the image of a desirable woman, your interlocutor, under the influence of your charms, will definitely agree to fulfill your request. Although sometimes, in order to persuade a man to make the right decision, it is not enough to just be a charming and attractive woman. You have to use a whole range of manipulative techniques to achieve the desired result. Read more about these techniques below.
Rule #2
A man does not like it when a woman encroaches on his freedom
Remember folk wisdom: Listen to what the woman says and do the opposite. This is the principle by which most of the male population lives. They consider any advice from the fair sex an attack on their freedom and thereby force us to use manipulation to get their way.
To understand why we, women, use manipulation, we must proceed from the axiom that men are freedom-loving creatures. Any attempt on their freedom - be it returning from work at the exact time specified by the wife, planning his leisure time, a ban on meeting friends or some other conditions - is disrespect for him as an individual and an expression of mistrust, which humiliates and insults his dignity. Your reproaches and advice force him to act differently than you would like; he deliberately, like a teenager, does everything to spite you only in order to assert his own right to freedom. As a result, a conflict brews, which is sooner or later resolved. It can be resolved in several ways.
Method 1 is “totalitarian”: one of the parties surrenders: it can be either a man or a woman, depending on what turns out to be stronger - action or reaction. Roles are distributed: the strongest wins the struggle for power.
Method 2 - “they don’t get along”: both cannot stand it, the conflict is resolved by separation.
Method 3 is “manipulative”: the woman takes the reins of hidden rule, while the man does not lose a sense of freedom, believing that he is doing his actions of his own free will, although in reality he is under the influence of his wife/lover.
Here are several ways to covertly control a man:
1. Do not use the imperative (imperative mood) when addressing a man (go there, don’t do that, etc.). Such formulation of a request or advice is always perceived by a man as an attempt to control him, an attempt on his freedom. You can use a request-question:
- Darling, I started cleaning, could you help me?(Instead of: “Vacuum the house and wash the dishes.”)
Or a rhetorical question:
- I’m going to be late at work tomorrow, I don’t even know who will pick up the child from kindergarten?(Instead of: “Tomorrow, pick up your child from kindergarten.”)
2. Come up with an alternative. Your beloved is going to another “Sabantuy” with friends. Do not forbid him from doing this in the form of an ultimatum, just offer him another option for spending his leisure time. For example, invite him to the premiere of a movie that he has long wanted to see, or prepare a “fantastic” dinner that he definitely won’t refuse. When choosing such an alternative, you must intrigue the man, offer him something worthwhile, so that he has no doubt that he made the right choice, exchanging the “beer” party for an unforgettable evening by candlelight.
3. It is best to make sure that your beloved comes to the right decision himself. Your task is to give him a hint, a hint. For example, you really don’t want to go on a picnic with his friends. Don't try to persuade him to give up this idea by stating your desire head-on. Get him to express his desire not to go. You can complain in the middle of the conversation that the weather this particular weekend will be rainy, that the preparations for the picnic were not good enough, and that the place was generally chosen inappropriately. It is best if these arguments are instilled in him not only by you, but by someone else from your company, then he will believe in the objectivity of these arguments and he himself will abandon his idea.
Rule #3
Men themselves are not averse to manipulating women
Dear ladies, if you do not want to be “under the thumb” of your beloved, if you do not want to spend all your leisure time on cleaning, washing, ironing and caring for children, while your beloved is relaxing in front of the TV, you simply must learn the rule : If you don’t want to become a victim of manipulation, learn to resist it.
In order to avoid exhausting housework, men often use tactics called: “Nothing works out for me” or “My hands are in the wrong place.” Their actions are very simple. Once you ask them for help, they get down to business with enthusiasm, but they do everything in such a way that you still have to redo everything. This is repeated until you decide that it is better to do everything yourself than to ask your man. This is exactly the outcome of events that a man seeks.
How to behave? Under no circumstances try to remove your man from household chores. You must create conditions for him in which he will be forced to redo his own work. For example, your beloved washes the dishes so that food remains on them. For the next meal, you can, as if without noticing, give him an unwashed utensil. If he makes a remark, ask him to wash the plate himself, because it is his fault. Do this several times until the man begins to conscientiously fulfill your requests.
Another favorite male tactic is called “Putting the bad headache on the healthy one.” Here is an eloquent example of typical male behavior. Wallpapering one of the rooms took several weeks. You are trying to hurry the man up, to hint that it’s time to finish the protracted repairs. Hearing a reproach in your words, the man begins to list your own shortcomings: “You still haven’t washed my shirt, you can’t sort out the closet, and in general, your coffee runs out every day.” In this way, the man wants to make the woman feel guilty for his failures and relieve himself of responsibility for unfinished work. In this situation, you can try to finish the repair yourself: “I’m tired of all this, I don’t want to live in a pigsty anymore.” Men, as you know, do not like it when a woman takes up tools. Most likely, your beloved will take away your brush and bucket of glue and the words “You still don’t know how” or “Let me do it myself” - he will complete what he started.
Here's another one typical case male “everyday” manipulation called “I’m offended.” Men look forward to Saturday with horror, when their loving wives send them out into the street to beat out rugs and rugs; on this day they have to take out the garbage that has accumulated over the week and vacuum the house. In order to avoid participating in spring cleaning, men very often provoke women into a quarrel. For example, they start doing everything extremely slowly, which makes you have an irresistible desire to speed up the process with the help of a “magic frying pan.” But you usually limit yourself to nervous words: “Can’t it be faster?” or “Why are you so lifeless, let’s move.” These words, as a rule, become fatal: a man throws a carpet, a vacuum cleaner or a trash can with the words: “If you don’t like it, I don’t have to do it at all.” And the swami doesn’t speak for half a day until the end of the cleaning. How to proceed? If you feel that your man is helping you without much enthusiasm, it is best not to provoke a quarrel and avoid harsh statements. On the contrary, try to win him over. “Darling, did you get off on the wrong foot today? Let me make you some strong coffee and you’ll cheer up.” After such words, a man is unlikely to want to quarrel with you.
Chapter 2
The most common feminine tricks
Rule #4
Women are the weaker sex: always ask for help
One of the most common methods of manipulation is associated with an interesting paradox in human relationships: we are more willing to succumb to the influence of “weak” people, those who know how to exploit their weakness, who easily ask for help even when they do not need it at all or could do without it.
In relationships between men and women, this is one of the simplest methods of manipulation. After all, a woman by nature is the weaker sex, and she is designed in such a way that she needs the help of stronger representatives of the human race. The most important thing is to skillfully use this “advantage”. Women's weaknesses make a man feel strong and significant in the presence of women. By asking a man for help, you are in some way giving him a compliment: “I can’t cope with this problem without your help.” Men really like it. Having fulfilled any of your requests, they already fall under your influence, with their help they let you know that they are ready to look after you and help you in the future - you can skillfully use this unspoken promise.
The most basic requests can make a man not just want to help, but also an incredible feeling of pride in his abilities: “I’m so capable and talented, and it’s absolutely easy for me to help you if you really need it.” In addition, having done you a favor once, it will be difficult for a man to refuse you the next time you ask for something more serious. For example, change a light bulb, see what is knocking in your engine, help you understand a new computer program, etc. The most important thing is that your request is feasible and corresponds to the skills and experience of the man. After all, if he cannot help you, then By doing so, you will put him in an awkward position, he may become embarrassed, and he will have an unpleasant aftertaste from communicating with you. In the future, his “failure” may even be the reason that he begins to avoid you. In general, come up with tasks and tests for a man, but not too difficult. The main thing is that he certainly copes with them and becomes, in some way, a fabulous deliverer for you from minor troubles that await you at every step.
Even if you yourself are masterfully versed in electronics and technology, if you are an expert in the design of your own car, then it is not at all necessary to flaunt it. Men like it when a woman creates a more favorable background for him, when she is not so competent in so-called “male” issues. If nothing urgent or unfortunate happens in your life - the light bulbs don’t go out, the car engine works perfectly - then it would be appropriate to use a little trick and “arrange” a little trouble for yourself and then resort to the help of your gentleman. What should you, for example, accidentally break a light bulb that refuses to go down, or pull out the hose from the carburetor?
Women's helplessness in such basic everyday issues very amusing to men. But, as a rule, they never refuse to help. And one good deed can cause a fit of nobility in them. After which you can safely turn to them for help on more important and serious problems.
Rule #5
Migraine is the main female ailment: refer to ailments
“Oh, how dizzy!”, “Oh, I don’t feel well!”, “Oh, I don’t have enough fresh air!” Having heard such exclamations from you, any man nearby will certainly do everything to alleviate your ailments.
In the days of wasp waists and corsets that compressed the lungs, young girls very often fainted; among older women, the most common illness was migraine. Frequent ailments in those days are now explained by too tight clothes and heavy dresses. But there is one more explanation: girls in those ancient times had the art of manipulating men. Every decent girl in those days knew how to faint so much that the gentleman she liked had a desire to pick her up and carry her out into the fresh air, where all declarations of love usually took place.
Nowadays, fainting is not such a common occurrence; they are more associated with actual ailments than with the girl’s desire to attract attention. But nevertheless, this form of manipulation is very effective and is still used by the most skilled women to control men. Women have some specific pains and ailments that men are not well aware of. In general, they don’t know everything about the female body, or what a woman has to endure. A man’s reaction to your ailments will be quite typical - confusion, a desire to help at all costs, without causing pain of a different origin, mental wound, etc.
Therefore, you can safely use this method whenever you consider it necessary. For example, your planned trip to a restaurant is postponed due to unforeseen, urgent work that fell on your beloved one’s head. Well, don’t beat the drums or throw hysterics - just loom before your eyes with a wet towel on your head, moaning slightly. To the question: “What’s wrong with you, dear?” - you can simply say that you have a really bad headache and you could really use some fresh air right now. When using this method of manipulation, remember an important rule: do not overdo it. Don’t grab your head every time your beloved refuses you your next whim, don’t pretend to be terminally ill if your man suddenly decides to cancel your outing. If you resort to this method too often, you will simply no longer be taken seriously, and, most likely, you will be caught in a simulation.
And one more thing: choose simpler ailments (headache or slight nausea), and if you suddenly complain about a shaky heart or losing limbs, then your sweetheart may get seriously scared and call a doctor to check your health.
Rule #6
Appearance: Take advantage of your own attractiveness
Female beauty affects men like sour cream affects cats - they are ready to do anything for it. There is never too much beauty. It is not true that a man gradually gets used to your beauty and stops admiring it. Most likely, you yourself are too dismissive of your appearance, not wanting to use this magnificent weapon.
Each woman is endowed with her own special attractiveness, her own charm. But very often women do not know how to use their beauty correctly: some of them forget that it was thanks to their appearance that they won their current husband, and some do not even know how to use this infallible weapon in controlling a man.
No matter what inner virtues and spiritual qualities you possess, no man is able to appreciate them if you are not able to frame them in a worthy frame, competently and advantageously designing your appearance. You will be able to influence a man, regardless of whether you have known him for a very long time or whether he is a random fellow traveler on a transport, provided that your appearance corresponds to a certain model, standard.
Undoubtedly, grooming is greatest work, but undoubtedly one of the most pleasant duties of a woman. It goes without saying that attractiveness comes not only from expensive clothes, makeup and a chic hairstyle. All this is just a background, a kind of appendage to your individuality. Your shoes should come first, not your expensive boots or gold jewelry. As a rule, men are not able to differentiate beauty into its components, to evaluate hairstyle and makeup separately, without paying attention to torn tights or worn-out heels. A man sees a woman as a whole, the totality of all her efforts. Therefore, do not expect that men will not notice your unwashed hair, but will only pay attention to your fashionable suit. You must be perfect in everything. And then it is in your hands. It has been noticed that men are much more willing to make concessions to attractive women than to those who completely forget to take care of their appearance, and they pay more attention to a woman dressed according to all the rules of fashion than to one who dresses tastelessly. It will be easy for you to manage a man if you always successfully design your appearance.
If, for example, the man you are trying to influence sees you in the same clothes (for example, because of the dress code in force at work), then do not despair. You can add your own twist to a drab outfit. Wear elegant high heels or sew down the top button of your blouse. Such small details can make a man not just like you, but also want to help, because female beauty always hypnotizes a man.
Rule No. 7
Feminine mystique: don't give away your secrets
A mystery woman, a sphinx woman, a mysterious stranger is the dream of not only a poet, but also of any man. It's no secret that men value mystery in a woman. You will subjugate any man if you can intrigue him.
In fact, female mystique is nothing more than a surefire way of manipulation. With its help, you can easily conquer any man - be it the object of your dreams or an employer offering a lucrative job.
Here are some tips on how to properly use your mystery to achieve selfish goals. Firstly, don’t tell everything about yourself; it’s better to hide some information. Even if you really like to talk, in the presence of your interlocutor you will have to moderate your desires and become more silent. Do not talk much, but also remain silent, like a partisan. Try to think carefully about your thoughts before you say anything. In a conversation with a man, you should interest him with an original thought, a subtle hint. Do not try to completely withdraw into yourself, otherwise you risk going unnoticed. Too much mystery and mystery in your appearance will also not do you any good. A man will not be delighted with your desire to hide any information about yourself, including your name, address, phone number. In this case, you will simply seem strange to him.
Don’t be too frank in a conversation with a man: try to hide part of your biography that will not decorate you too much: for example, you should not immediately talk about the fact that you were recently married and got divorced, or that your real age is actually somewhat older than suggests your chosen one.
At first, it is best to leave a little understatement and understatement in the conversation. More often use the woman’s favorite formulation “maybe”, which gives a man hope for reciprocity, but leaves room for doubt. If a man you’ve liked for a long time still pays attention to you, you shouldn’t admit your passionate feelings in the first conversation or show all your cards at once. Be restrained in showing your emotions. To fairly direct questions about your feelings, it is best to use evasive answers: “I like you, but I haven’t fully figured out my feelings yet,” “Your offer for a date is tempting, but I’m not yet sure whether I’ll accept it, we’ll talk about it at the next week." If by your behavior you made a man doubt himself, if he had a treacherous thought: “Am I that good, can I conquer this inaccessible peak?” - then you are on the way to conquering a man’s heart.
If it seems to you that there is nothing mysterious and enigmatic about you, something that men like so much, fantasize a little. Come up with some sad romantic story about your past unhappy love. Hint that you have gone through a difficult stage in your life, that your heart belonged to an insidious seducer and that you no longer trust men. With your story you will arouse the interest of a man. He will understand: in order to win your heart, he will have to try hard. Just one piece of advice: don’t overdo it with fictional romantic stories, don’t go into details and shed tears out of nowhere. In this case, one hint will be enough.
Rule #8
Food: the male appetite is your main assistant
The easiest way to persuade a person to provide you with a service is when he is comfortable, his physiological needs are satisfied and he feels harmony with the world around him. For men, this moment can be the moment of satisfying hunger. Simply put, ask a man to fulfill your desire after he has eaten.
Experienced women know that they should not pester a man asking him to give him money for a new dress or a visit to the beauty salon until he has eaten properly. Remember that a well-fed man is more flexible and accommodating than a hungry man. Do you want to persuade your husband to make an unscheduled visit to your mother? Wait until he has eaten. Are you looking for the right moment to persuade your boss to give you another vacation at his own expense? Wait until he returns from lunch break. This method of persuading a man can hardly be called manipulation. After all, you do not do anything to influence a man’s decision, you do not use forbidden methods of persuasion, and you do not try to influence the point of view of your interlocutor in a hidden form. But at the same time, you perform manipulation by choosing the right moment for your request, presenting it when your interlocutor is least irritated, when his vigilance is somewhat dulled: he has just eaten and is in a relaxed state.
If you want to use this method of manipulation, remember that you cannot interrupt a man during a meal, even if you really want to state your request. Many women believe that having started to eat and satisfied their acute hunger, the man has already become flexible and gentle. Without waiting for the end of the meal, they begin an “attack” before the object of manipulation fills its stomach. This is a big mistake. A man only becomes a convenient object for manipulation when his nutritional needs are fully satisfied. Another piece of advice: do not think that a man is indifferent to innovation and originality in food. They don't care what to fill their stomach with. Many of them are real gourmets and prefer varied and original food. A good housewife always knows her man's preferences. You can skillfully use this knowledge to achieve success in manipulation. For example, your beloved loves seafood. In this case, before an important and very serious request, you must seriously prepare by preparing only his most favorite dishes for dinner. Do not bypass table setting. Despite the fact that your main task is to feed your man, it is still worth considering the aesthetic side of the process. Try to create an atmosphere conducive to a good mood. The man will appreciate your preparations and will be ready to please you, and after such a surprise you can safely ask him for something that you have not yet decided to ask for.
Rule #9
Alcohol: keep a bottle of good wine in reserve
This method of manipulation is very effective, but unsafe. Alcohol in small quantities relaxes a person, but there is no guarantee that your interlocutor will not want more. Therefore, you need to use alcohol as an assistant in your manipulations very carefully, preparing in advance for the situation if something goes wrong.
You can resort to a similar method of manipulation when you want to ask a man for something significant to you. By offering to join you and drink a glass of good French wine, you put your interlocutor in a festive mood. He begins to behave accordingly - on a holiday you need to have fun and relax. This behavior is to your advantage; you need him to be as relaxed as possible.
Of course, having persuaded a man to support the company, you must somehow motivate your behavior. This is where it’s time to act. For example, you are sent on a business trip for a whole month to another city. You know that your beloved man will react to this news without enthusiasm, most likely, he will simply forbid you to go and ask you to refuse. You need to persuade him to give permission for the trip at all costs, because your career depends on it. Your actions: try to organize a small celebration, inviting your life partner to celebrate some important event for both of you. Take out the prepared for special occasions a bottle of good French wine, which was just waiting for just such a moment. You have glasses in your hands, your beloved is waiting, but you should not immediately remove the veil of secrecy, wait a little with the story about your business trip, wait until the alcohol has an effect on your interlocutor. Start your story after the first glass: the alcohol has already had its effect, but has not yet clouded your mind.
When starting your story, try to present it in a slightly different light: it is at this moment that you act as a real manipulator. The news will be perceived the way you manage to present it. Champagne, candles, slow music are just a preparatory stage. The real manipulation begins now. Start your story with the fact that you organized a holiday in honor of your promotion, which will certainly affect the material side of your life, tell us that your boss has begun to take you more seriously and already intends to raise your salary. But still, he continues to check you, and in order to be completely sure of his choice, he wants to send you on a business trip for a while. This turn of events may not cause great joy in your man, but, noticing the sparkle and hope in your eyes, he certainly will not be able to forbid you to go. This tactic will bear fruit if you manage to create the right mood in a man and do not overdo it with drinking. Good luck.
Rule No. 10
Intimate zone: invade a man's personal space
We offer you another fairly effective way to control men, related to the invasion of personal space. This method of manipulation is suitable in cases where you want to ask something from a man with whom you do not have an intimate relationship.
Let's briefly talk about how this method of manipulation works. A person has an intimate zone (about 50 cm in diameter), which, according to the rules of etiquette, only the closest people are allowed to enter. We, as a rule, communicate with a stranger at a distance of 50-70 cm, trying not to invade his personal space, as this may cause a negative reaction on his part.
It’s a completely different matter if the stranger is a member of the opposite sex. Then the invasion of his personal space can give him pleasure and cause positive emotions.
Ability to competently penetrate intimate area your interlocutor can help you manage men. You should not immediately approach a man at a “dangerous” distance; you should do it slowly, gradually, reducing the distance between you during the conversation. In order for your invasion of a man’s personal space to evoke positive emotions, you must remember that at close range you can detect even the slightest unpleasant nuances. They, in turn, can ruin the whole impression, and your interlocutor will have a desire to end the conversation as soon as possible. Unpleasant nuances refer to unpleasant smells and sounds. Remember that at close range your interlocutor will feel your breath, so take care of his freshness. The smell of sweat or strong perfume will also make an unfavorable impression. The smell should be gentle, barely noticeable. As for sounds, by reducing the distance between you and your interlocutor, you need to lower the timbre and volume of your voice: a high voice has a negative effect on a person.
Invading someone's personal space can be more effective if you touch them. This touch should not be rough or too long. This can be a light stroking, barely noticeable by a man. When choosing a contact zone, try not to touch open areas of the body - the face or hands. Naturally, the zone “below the waist” is forbidden - otherwise you will simply be misunderstood. At your disposal are the shoulders, forearms and chest area. You can also pretend that you want to correct some flaw in your interlocutor’s clothing, for example, straighten the lapel of a jacket or tie. These actions can enhance the effect produced and even put a man into a stupor - now he is in your hands.
When invading personal space, you should not be too active. For example, you should not use several types of touch at once - just one is enough, and you should not do it for too long, otherwise you may cause some discomfort. It is enough to “play” a little with the man at the very beginning of the conversation , and throughout the conversation his vigilance will be lulled.
Rule No. 11
Caress: use elements of “stroking”
By manipulating a person, you mislead him into believing that he is fulfilling your request of his own free will; he does not realize that you are controlling him. That is why for covert control, not authoritarian techniques, such as shouting and orders, are suitable, but techniques that in the science of manipulation are usually called “strokes.”
In order to win a man over, set him up for positivity, and make him easy to control, you can “caress” your potential “victim.” Psychologists understand the term “stroking” not only as touching, but also as other psychological techniques that can evoke positive emotions. You can use these techniques to ensure that your interlocutor finds support and support in you, and therefore begins to trust you.
1. Assent. You can support the man in his statements, pretend that you share his point of view. For example, agree with him when he starts scolding his boss, who supposedly does not value such an irreplaceable employee. Be sure that he will begin to feel more comfortable in your company and will consider you a person he can trust.
2. Use friendly gestures when communicating with a man. For example, a pat on the shoulder, a hug, a wink. For a unique way to show kindness, you can use a friendly handshake, which can be a little longer as a sign of strong respect. You can also use a friendly pat on the shoulder. These are the most neutral ways of showing affection and care, which will help you win over your interlocutor so that you can then influence him with words. If you want to discourage a man and are not afraid to seem a little frivolous, then you can use more intimate “strokes”: for example, when shaking hands, you can lightly tickle the inside of your interlocutor’s palm or try to straighten his tie.
3. Stand up for him if someone tries to accuse him of something. An elementary example: your mother reproaches her son-in-law for not having finished the renovation yet. If you try to support her, then your spouse will see you as an enemy and, to spite everyone, will take even longer to finish it off. The smartest thing to do is to take your husband’s side: “Why are you all pestering him? He's great." The man will understand that you are on his side. And after talking with your mother, you can offer to finish the renovation to spite everyone who doesn’t believe in it.
4. Use the proper name of your interlocutor. For a person, the sound of his name is the best compliment. If you call a man by name, he will begin to feel more trust and sympathy for you.
Rule No. 12
First date: avoid intimate contact
The ability to manipulate others is a real art that requires not only knowledge and skills, but also very strict self-control. Sometimes you have to fight with your own “I”, restrain your desires in order to achieve the desired result in the future.
In this chapter we will talk about a fail-safe method of manipulation that women use on their first love date. The purpose of this manipulation is obvious - the desire to turn the love of your gentleman into a stronger and stronger feeling of love.
The first date is a real game between a man and a woman, comparable to some kind of duel, when one (usually a man) seeks to conquer his beloved at all costs, satisfy his physiological needs, and the second (usually a woman) seeks to turn this date into the beginning long-term and much stronger connection between them.
A woman, experienced and wise, prepares for a date in advance, plans everything down to the smallest detail, anticipating completely different outcomes of this “duel.” A woman believes that a date was successful when it entailed an offer to meet again, and did not end with the standard male excuse: "I'll call". In order to get such a proposal from a man, women use manipulation, which has become a women's commandment: refuse intimate relations on the first date.
In most cases, this technique works successfully. By refusing an intimate relationship, you strike a blow to his pride, to his pride. You force him to think about why this happened and what it is connected with. Even if he did not plan to continue the relationship with you, his wounded pride will not give him peace, he will still want to complete what he “started” to the end, thereby giving you time to strengthen your relationship and make it stable.
Your refusal should be prepared in advance, if possible even rehearsed, so that you do not seem too cutesy or completely indifferent. The best option might be a wording like: “Darling, it’s not easy for me to give up the much-desired idea of spending the night with you, but I want to test my feelings and get to know you better.” That is, your refusal should be justified precisely by the fact that you hope to continue the relationship, that you expect an unconditional continuation of your meetings. If you manage to convince your partner that you are not frivolous, that you are a worthwhile match, then perhaps a great destiny awaits your relationship.
Sooner or later, you will still have to give in, and there is no guarantee that the man will not lose interest in you after this, but again it will depend only on you: whether you will be able to interest a man only as a potential sexual partner or whether he is interested in you as a person.
Rule No. 13
Common interests: film and music lovers of all genders, unite!
It is very easy to gain trust in a person if in a conversation it turns out that you have common interests. This is usually used by experienced manipulators, trying to start a conversation on a topic that is interesting to the “victim”: “I’m also a fan. How did Zenit play yesterday?
This method of manipulation in a man-woman pair must be used very carefully: after all, they are unlikely to believe you if you say that you are a true football fan, a fan of “RED HOT CHILLY PEPPERS” and crazy about Jackie Chan (although, by the way, this is not excluded). It just so happens that men's and women's tastes are fundamentally different: women prefer melodramas, talk shows, light music, and men prefer action films, sports programs and heavier music. Therefore, to find a general topic for conversation, you need to try.
For example, a man, your potential “victim,” loves Tolkien’s novels: he read everything from cover to cover and watched all the film adaptations. You can use this knowledge to build good relationships. You can casually say that you recently read the latest book about the Lord of the Rings, and you really liked it. Naturally, if you are not a true fan, then you should be well prepared to talk about your idol - read something and watch a couple of films so that you do not throw out unfounded phrases: “Tolkien is a genius.”
Of course, if you turn out to be a real fan of his works, this will only be a plus for you: you will not only be able to talk about a topic that interests you both, but you will also achieve the favor of your interlocutor, and in the future you will be able to use this disposition to achieve personal goals.
By entering a circle of trusted people, you can win over a man even more if he learns something new from your conversations. If his stock of knowledge about such a dear subject increases, he will be grateful to you. And if you find full version his favorite movie or get tickets to the concert of his favorite rock band, he will want to repay you in the same coin - to do something nice for you. This is the right time to ask him for a favor. They definitely won’t refuse you.
Rule No. 14
Childhood memories: get nostalgic together
It has been proven that memories of early childhood, those distant carefree years when we were all small and incapable of dishonest acts and deception, have a positive effect on a person. It’s as if he returns to childhood and stops seeing those around him as dangerous competitors capable of deception and manipulation. It is at such moments that it is very easy to control him, to subordinate him to your influence.
In order for a close connection to be established between you and your interlocutor, so that he will gain confidence in you, you can turn the conversation to the topic of childhood memories.
Choosing an episode from your childhood is also a very difficult moment. The main thing is that this episode is funny enough and not boring. It's best if you tell a story in which you look comical, even ridiculous. Then the interlocutor will gain more confidence in you. For example, if you started talking about your passion for poetry, it would be appropriate to read a few lines from your “early” work. If you can make your interlocutor laugh or at least make him smile, he is unlikely to refuse your “tiny” request.
Rule No. 15
Compliments for a man: praise a man more often
Men, despite the fact that they are usually called the stronger sex, are actually very vulnerable and dependent on the assessment of others. They need to be appreciated for their efforts. Dear women, remember that men love it when they are complimented.
A compliment is a very powerful weapon in the hands of an experienced manipulator. Compliments should be given to men all the time, even if they are not entirely objective, slightly embellished, and it seems to you that you are overpraising the man. But that’s why they are compliments, to slightly exaggerate a person’s merits, to slightly embellish a person’s achievements.
The technology of creating a compliment for a man is quite complex: the man must be confident in its objectivity. It’s much easier to compliment a woman: just admire her new clothes, her fresh and blooming appearance - and she will immediately melt and receive a charge of positive emotions for the whole day. It’s more difficult with men, they see a catch in everything: if they are not praised, it means they are underestimated, but if they shower them with compliments, it means they are trying to flatter them in order to appease them. As a rule, men are always distrustful of women's compliments, so when you decide to praise a man, you must carefully weigh and calculate everything. Your compliment must be justified. For example, you should not assure a man of his genius if in fact he is not a genius. Such a compliment will be perceived as a desire to flatter and nothing more. It is necessary that the compliment seems as objective as possible to your interlocutor, making him believe that you really appreciated his efforts, hard work and extraordinary talent. To ensure that your compliment has the desired effect, we offer the following technologies.
First, always try to justify your assessment. Don't just praise for a job well done, but try to motivate your admiration. For example, giving a presentation at a conference can be an excellent reason for praise. Your task is not to simply praise the speaker, but to make him believe the sincerity of your admiration. To do this, you can compare his speech with some other, less successful speaker: “You were on top, not like Petrov with his uninteresting ideas.” Try to be sure to note strengths speaker: “You know, it feels like you have a perfect command of the issue. It was evident by how confidently you performed.” But try not to exaggerate too much, do not over-praise or flatter: “That was brilliant” or “This was the first time I listened to a scientific report with such admiration.” You will be immediately figured out, and the manipulation will not succeed - you will not be able to subordinate a man to your influence.
Secondly, remember that praise is a great incentive for further action. Having done a small favor for you and received high praise for it, the man will be ready to fulfill your other instructions. For example, even a hammered nail can be a reason for praise. Did your loved one take a hammer and hang a picture or a wall clock? Having spent a minimum of effort on this, he receives a worthy compliment from you: “You know, you hung it exactly in the place where I wanted it” or “Now, thanks to you, the house has become much more comfortable.” Such a compliment will encourage him to further exploits: you can immediately ask him to fix the faucet in the bathroom, which has been leaking for a long time.
Rule No. 16
Male self-esteem: play on male ego
You began to notice that your beloved man or just a good friend has lost interest in activities. It was as if he had stopped in one place, stopped striving for new heights, and became passive and dull. Persuasion and requests only worsen the situation. In this case, you can play on male pride.
You need to cause a protest in a person, dissatisfaction with himself, to force him to move from a dead point. In his heart, every man wants to be the best, to always be at the top of his position, but life circumstances often disrupt these plans.
Try to make a man thirsty for activity. Tell him about your friend's achievements. For example: “I heard that Vasily from the next door bought himself a new car” or “One of my former classmates, by the way, also an architect, found himself an excellent, highly paid job in a prestigious commercial company.” This kind of manipulation has its own dangerous “pebbles”. Your stories about the achievements of other people should not turn into reproaches; you should not compare the heroes of your stories with a person who is in crisis, and especially not reproach him for the fact that he is not even able to get off the couch, while others are conquering career heights. Such reproaches and lectures can only cause irritation, but not the desire to follow a positive example. In your stories, do not exaggerate the significance of achievements, talk about them as if all this is quite real and accessible, you just need to push yourself a little. The purpose of such examples is not to cause despondency and self-doubt, but a healthy competitive interest, a desire to check whether it is possible to become as successful.
If you want to get what you want from a man, use the “teasing” method: jokingly ask him to do some work and immediately doubt his abilities. Your doubts will make a man want to prove his worth and show you everything he is capable of. For example, start a conversation about the fact that you would like to see how your beloved one arranges renovations in the apartment, and immediately doubt his ability to complete such a monumental task: “Well, I think you’re definitely not up to it.” If your man has sufficiently developed self-esteem, then such a mockery and a hint of his inadequacy will definitely cause him to protest and want to prove to you that he is capable of making repairs.
Rule No. 17
Speck in the eye: distract attention from the main subject of conversation
This manipulative technique is based on the selectivity and instability of human attention. It works as follows: the manipulator tries to distract his interlocutor from the main topic of the conversation, transfer his attention to other objects, then returns to the problem under discussion, but the interlocutor’s holistic picture of the issue’s perception is disrupted, he can no longer objectively assess the benefits of the proposal and often agrees with manipulator's arguments.
The technique seems quite complicated to explain, but in practice it is easy to use. For clarity, here are a few examples. You really want to persuade a man you know to meet your friend. Knowing in advance that he is reluctant to make new acquaintances, you can use the technique described above. In order to secure his consent, you should try to describe your proposal as favorably as possible by talking about your friend’s beauty and charm. During a conversation, you may be distracted by a phone call (schedule it by agreeing with your friend in advance). By distracting yourself from the conversation, you distract the interlocutor, and his attention switches to your actions. After such a break, you should sharply return to your request and demand a final answer from the man, without allowing him to come to his senses, knocking him off the main idea. Most likely, the answer will be positive.
Another option for such manipulation. You need your colleague to work for you over the weekend because you are planning a huge picnic that weekend. How to persuade him to agree to fulfill your request? Very simple. At the beginning of the conversation, state your request using as vague and unclear formulations as possible, for example: “I have something to do with you: could you do a little work for me?” or “Could you help me: will you replace me for a while?” Do not tell all the details at once: details can be told later, with the consent of the interlocutor. Distract his attention in any way possible - the most banal of them: “Oh, there’s a speck in my eye.” You can suddenly get up and say that you feel very stuffy, and open the window, you can remember the long-planned call to your client. All this will distract your interlocutor, and when you return to the topic of your conversation, you should immediately ask: “Well, have you thought about my request?” He is unlikely to be able to refuse.
Such manipulative techniques can be used not only in conversations with men, but also with women. The attention of men can be switched in a special way - with the help of female charm and charisma. For example, in the midst of a conversation, you can, citing the unbearable stuffiness, take off your jacket and remain in just a revealing blouse, or, while expressing your request, you can sort through numerous bracelets on your wrist or twirl a pendant in your hands. A man will certainly be distracted by your actions and, most likely, will miss the essence of the request being made.
Rule No. 18
Better bird in hand: move from a larger requirement to a smaller one
Another way to get what you want from a man is associated with a feeling of guilt for your refusal, for your reluctance to help. This tactic is often used by intrusive sellers in passages and subways, who first offer to buy a large and expensive product, but, having received a refusal, persuade them to buy at least a small souvenir as a souvenir.
The essence of this manipulation is completely obvious: when offering to buy an item that is too expensive, the seller expects a refusal in advance. It, in turn, gives rise to a feeling of guilt in a person because he did not live up to someone’s expectations and could not make the person a little happier. Therefore, clever manipulators immediately offer the person to rehabilitate himself and buy a less expensive thing: in half the cases the buyer agrees.
Experienced female manipulators who seek to subjugate a man act in exactly the same way. Often people resort to such tricks unconsciously, without even realizing that they are using manipulation. Remember how you beg your loved one to do something nice for you. Perhaps like this: “Darling, you promised to buy me a fur coat for the winter. Not enough money? Then at least take me to a restaurant” or like this: “When will we finally start doing renovations? No time? Then at least fix the broken stool.” Of course, such requests are often made unconsciously, which does not allow us to call them manipulation, but if you learn to use this technique at the right moments, then you will be able to achieve both the purchase of a fur coat and the desired repair.
Using this technique is very simple. First of all, you need to set a specific goal and achieve it gradually. For example, you decided to persuade your husband to give you a mink coat (of course, your goals should be commensurate with the family budget). At dinner, hint to him that you would not mind spending these New Year holidays somewhere in a warm country. In a few days you can show the price list of a travel agency offering “inexpensive” trips to Miami. Later, tell us about the impressions of your friend, who last year vacationed with her husband at a luxury resort and was absolutely delighted. Your preparations can confuse a man. He will come up with the right moment to refuse, and will try to dissuade you from such a reckless idea. Having upset you with his refusal, he will want to somehow rehabilitate himself in front of you - this is where the most opportune moment comes to ask, in the man’s opinion, more realistic, and for you more desirable - the purchase of a new fur coat. Go for it.
Rule No. 19
Scandal in noble family: Use your voice data
Do you often make scandals for your beloved? If not, then you should remember that scandal is also manipulation. Men don't like women's screams. And to avoid your hysteria, they are ready to do anything.
In order to understand how to properly scandalize, let’s remember the episode from the film “It Can’t Be,” in which Leonid Kuravlev’s hero repeats throughout the entire action: “I don’t like scandals.” And in order to avoid a scandal, he marries a girl who has several illegitimate children, the existence of which she kept silent about before the wedding. As soon as a man smells something fried, he becomes flexible and makes concessions to you.
It is not at all necessary to throw a real scandal every time. This will turn your life into a nightmare, and your lover or spouse may not be able to stand it. How should this technique be used? At the preparatory stage, you will still have to make a little scandal. This is necessary in order to demonstrate to your beloved your voice data, to show what you are capable of. A demonstrative scandal should be such that you are literally begged to stop the hysteria. Of course, there must be a serious reason for such a scandal. (If a man doesn’t give you a reason for a scandal, it makes sense to think about whether it’s worth manipulating him at all). After such a demonstrative performance, you can, if necessary, hint to your chosen one that your patience has run out and that now you will begin to be capricious. I am sure that the warning will work and the man will agree to fulfill your request.
I must warn you that you should not get carried away with such manipulative techniques. It is known that a person gets used to everything. Sooner or later, your spouse or lover will get used to your hysterics and stop reacting to them. There is another option: he will simply go to a less hysterical woman. This technique should not be used by those whose men belong to the choleric type of temperament. Then your scandal can escalate into a huge quarrel with shouting and breaking of dishes. This is of no use to you.
Rule No. 20
Feminine Intuition: Use Your Sixth Sense
A woman always has several reasons and arguments in her arsenal that she uses to make a decision, and a man, as a rule, does not always understand these reasons. One of these peremptory arguments is female intuition, which opposes male rationality.
We will give you some tips on how to properly use your intuition to manipulate men. Experienced women who have succeeded in manipulation resort to this argument last, if all previous beliefs and assurances have not brought any results. Typically, women's intuition is a categorical argument: it works flawlessly on men, since most of them cannot comprehend the essence of the phenomenon of “female intuition.” It is difficult for them to understand why a woman, when making a complex decision, is guided not by logic, but by her “sixth sense,” which, according to men, is akin to paranormal phenomena. Men are perplexed how women make fateful decisions without resorting to strict analysis, without calculating the pros and cons, and explain their choice by the fact that they it seems so.
If you are afraid that your intuition will let you down, then you do not have to give up this argument. Many women use their intuition as an argument, despite the fact that it is not very developed. When making a decision, you can build your own logical chain, calculate the pros and cons, but do it in mind, but a man present only the final decision. You can justify your choice by referring to the mysterious female intuition. It is this type of manipulation that usually works flawlessly, since a man, without wanting to, begins to trust this inexplicable phenomenon. Use it when you prove something to a man you know. Try to refute all his logical constructions with just one argument: “But my intuition tells me that you are wrong.”
Rule No. 21
Silence or Half-Truth: Do NOT Be Frank
Telling the truth isn't easy, but lying in a relationship can lead to a loss of trust if your deception is discovered. But in order to get your way from a man, you, dear ladies, should be moderately frank: keep silent about unpleasant details, hide juicy stories.
Try dragging a man to a classical music concert if he can't stand it. It is almost impossible to do this without using manipulation. In such cases, it is permissible to hide some unattractive aspects. You can talk as much as you like about the positive influence of classical music on the human body, assure that a man will receive great pleasure from this concert, but if you mention that he will have to enjoy high art for three whole hours, then he is unlikely to accept your invitation. When persuading a man to go to a concert with you, it is better to overlook such a “minor” detail as its duration, or not to focus attention on it: “You know, it won’t take you too much time.”
If you decide to persuade your friend who doesn't like large groups to go to a party with you, you can mention that only friends will be there. Of course, after seeing a large number of people, your acquaintance may be seriously angry, but you can always plead your own ignorance or scold the organizers of the evening for deceiving you in such a friendly way.
If you set out to persuade your lover to let you go to your friend’s birthday without him, then it is not at all necessary to tell you that at the holiday there will be not only girls, but also several attractive young men without a partner. You should not be frank with your lover that the planned corporate party should end in the sauna. It’s better to simply omit such juicy details, and if your dear one accidentally finds out about them, then you can always refer to your own forgetfulness: “Oh, didn’t I tell you anything?”
Of course, this method of manipulation has its pitfalls. For example, some women are too carried away by this simple but not very honest way of getting their way from a man, which entails a loss of trust. If understatement in your conversations becomes the main tool for achieving your goals, then sooner or later your man will simply stop believing you and will question all your subsequent words, even truly truthful ones. That is why you should not use this method very often. There is another danger: if you get carried away by easy victories, you can cross the line of what is permitted and, instead of telling legitimate half-truths, you will start outright lying. But only for the time being, until they bring you out in the open - then your innocent hobby can turn out very unpleasant consequences for your relationship.
Rule No. 22
Fact is a stubborn thing: state the facts
You can manipulate a man not only with the help of half-truths and half-frankness. Truth can be used as a manipulative weapon. A man's actual words and actions can be used against him. One of the effective ways to influence men is to mention direct facts to prove your position.
In order to use this method of manipulation, you must have certain qualities: persistence, confidence in your rightness and a little stubbornness. If you think that you do not possess these qualities, this does not mean that you cannot experiment: try to transform yourself from a timid and submissive life partner into a confident woman who knows her worth. Your task is to use only one, but very compelling argument, based on a real fact, to prove your own rightness.
Such an indisputable fact could be the promise of your companion to fulfill your request. If your desire has not yet been fulfilled, feel free to use the facts in your favor. For example, your beloved promised to take you to the theater, but still hasn’t done it. In this case, your dialogue might look like this:
- Darling, you promised to go to the theater with me.
- Yes, I remember, dear, but I’m very busy right now.
- It's not fair, because you promised.
- Of course, we'll go, just a little later.
- So your promise means nothing anymore?
- I don't go back on my words, but be patient.
- So, I can no longer believe your words...
And so on until your man is exhausted and agrees to fulfill his promise immediately. Please note that this dialogue is built according to all the rules of manipulation. The man tries to refuse to fulfill this promise, using various arguments: “I don’t have time,” “We’ll go next time,” asks for patience. In all her remarks, a woman turns to only one argument - the promise she once made, and this argument turns out to be much stronger than all the arguments given by the man.
You can win an argument, even if you have a strong trump card in your hands, only if your arguments are accompanied by confidence and conviction that you are right. You must be adamant, even if the man starts using counter-manipulation, for example, trying to make you feel sorry for him. If you want to achieve your goal, be unshakable and, like a stubborn child, repeat the same thing.
Be very careful in choosing STRONG arguments for your manipulative tricks. A strong argument to prove your position is not the words of some third party. As your main trump card, use only the words that were expressed by your opponent - his promises, his oaths.
Rule No. 23
Over-questioning: Ask TOO many questions.
Dialogue, built according to all the rules of rhetoric and argumentation, consists, as a rule, of alternating remarks. Moreover, each replica contains only one unit of information or a call to express this unit of information. Simply put, questions alternate with answers. If you want to find out the truth from your interlocutor, you should structure the dialogue differently.
Here is an example of a standard dialogue.
- Hello. Where have you been?
- At work.
- Why so long?
- The boss detained me.
- What's the urgency?
- Tomorrow there is an unexpected conference - guests from abroad.
Etc. In this dialogue, everything is logical and consistent. This type of conversation has nothing in common with manipulative dialogue. If you, for example, want to find out the truth and bring your loved one to clean water, you can use the so-called multi-question dialogue. In it, you, the host, set the tone for the conversation: you immediately begin to ask questions, and in large quantities, without allowing the interlocutor to answer any of them. The “defendant” in such a situation immediately reaches a dead end. This situation reminds him of a school exam and is inevitably accompanied by stress. Such manipulations are very often used by investigators during interrogations: wanting to bring the suspect to clean water, they ask about the same thing, changing the wording. The questioned person gets the impression that everyone knows about his machinations, he loses self-confidence, and begins to feel helpless. After a lot of questions, he himself tells the truth.
The above dialogue can be remade using manipulative techniques.
- Where have you been? Why so long? How long can I wait for you? What kind of urgency prevented you from even calling and warning you that you would be late?
Etc.
Confidence in your voice and restraint (never raise your voice) can confuse a man, and he may think that you know his deception, if such, of course, is present. Well, if your beloved is pure in front of you and there is nothing to reproach him with, then he is unlikely to lose his calm, but will answer all your questions in order, like an excellent student who has learned his lesson well.
Rule No. 24
Mutual exchange of pleasantries: favor for favor
You don't know how to get your colleague to help you with your annual report. Or you dream that your friend will invite you to a party that he is throwing only for VIP friends, but you don’t dare ask about it. We suggest you take advantage of the “Quit for Service” manipulation.
This is a fairly effective way of manipulation. The point is this: you are the first to do a favor, provide help, make a concession to your “victim,” and after that ask for a small favor. This method works almost flawlessly. You use the human conscience as your assistant. People have a clear mechanism for mutual assistance and mutual assistance: the majority lives according to the principle: “you give me, I give you.” By providing a service, we, firstly, win the man over, and secondly, we achieve a feeling of unexpressed gratitude.
To get your way from a man, you must make him believe in your selflessness and sincere desire to help. Here's what it looks like in practice. For example, you want to go to night club with your girlfriend without your lover. Prepare a little surprise for his arrival: “Darling, today for dinner your favorite shrimp and a glass of beer for dessert.” If you manage to create the conditions for him to have a wonderful evening without you, then, out of gratitude, he will certainly repay you in kind - he will agree to let you go alone.
If your friend accidentally mentions a grand party that he is throwing at his home only for a select few, but is in no hurry to invite you, do not immediately despair. Give him a gift that he can’t refuse: invite him to go to the concert of his favorite band, for which you happened to have a ticket, and then you will definitely be among the invitees.
Rule No. 25
Innocent blackmail: tease a man
The blackmail method is best used when all other possible methods have already been used and have not brought any results. This method of manipulation is as follows: you are trying to scare a man, trying to force him to fulfill your request, otherwise you promise to do something that he will not tolerate, which he is terribly afraid of, which he dreams of in nightmares.
Manipulation will only bear fruit if you know what a man is afraid of. For example: “If you don’t stop throwing your dirty socks all over the house, I’ll stop washing them,” “If you come home from work so late every day, I’ll go to my mother,” “If you don’t stop drinking, I’ll leave you.” You must understand the danger of this method of manipulation: after all, you may not scare a man, but, on the contrary, please him. Perhaps he is just waiting for you to finally leave him or go to your mother, and he will do what he really wants. In addition, there is a danger that manipulative blackmail can serve as a reason for a serious quarrel. As soon as you feel that you have gone too far and your threats are only irritating the man, you should stop and try to make peace.
If you decide to use this trick, you must be as serious as possible - do not smile, speak confidently and decisively. Do everything to make a man believe you, be truly scared, and feel in your power. Remember that you must be serious, otherwise they will not believe you and you will lose. Your demand and your actions, if it is not met, must be proportionate: for example, if you want your man to stop being late for dates, you can scare him by becoming equally forgetful and simply not coming next time.
Remember also that you should not resort to this method of manipulation too often. If you have never tried to carry out your threat, the man will understand that you are simply bluffing, that your blackmail is nothing more than a desperate attempt to make him dance to your tune. Therefore, this method is best used only in exceptional cases when other methods no longer help.
Chapter 3
How to persuade a man to do what you want?
Rule No. 26
How to persuade a man to visit your mother?
Persuading a man to visit your mother - real or potential mother-in-law - is not an easy task. It just so happened historically that the relationship between the parent and the candidate for her daughter’s hand and heart, as a rule, is slightly strained.
There are, of course, happy exceptions when mother-in-law and son-in-law live in perfect harmony. If people close to you cannot establish contact, then this chapter is for you.
Are your lover's visits to your mother so rare that he still can't remember her name? Does your offer to visit your mother make him nervous? Is he always looking for an excuse to refuse another date? Use manipulation to persuade your man to pay another visit to your mother. Here are a few methods you can use.
Method 1: “It slipped my mind.” The essence of this method is as follows: you announce a meeting with your parent suddenly, citing your own forgetfulness: “Dear, I’m sorry, I forgot to tell you that today my mother is expecting us to visit.” If your beloved tries to refuse the meeting, say that this is impossible , because your mother has already prepared her signature pie and is certainly waiting for you. If this does not work, then come up with some imaginary reason for the visit - for example, a visit in honor of a birthday or a promotion.
Method 2: “Phenomenal forgetfulness.” Start preparing for the visit without explanation. When your beloved asks where you are going, reproach him for forgetfulness: “I told you last week that we were going to visit my parents, but you, as usual, forgot. You know how important this is to me.”
Method 3: “Avoke sympathy for your mother.” In order to make the meeting of your loved ones more desirable, try to make them like each other. How to do it? You should not retell your words verbatim telephone conversations with mom, convey all her reproaches and discontent. Give your lover compliments on her behalf: “My mother admired you so much, she thinks that I made a good choice,” “Mom says that you are very talented and smart,” “Mom is sure that you will have a good career.”
Try to persuade your mother to be more friendly and kind towards your chosen one. Even if he doesn’t suit her in some way, explain to her that this is your choice and you do not intend to change anything. Persuade her to please your companion: let her praise him, cook his favorite dish for dinner, and be attentive to him. Then your man will understand that your mother is not such a tyrant and despot as she seemed at first, she is a completely nice person and treats him with respect. The emerging sympathy will make their meetings much more pleasant.
Rule No. 27
How to persuade a man to give you an expensive gift?
You want to persuade your man to spend a significant amount of money on you, but you don't know where to start. You understand that you shouldn’t act directly, since you may come across a decisive “no” on his part, but which method of manipulation should you use? Which one will be the most effective?
In order to achieve your goal, you can use several quite effective techniques hidden control.
Your task is to convince the man that purchasing this thing is vital for you, that you absolutely cannot do without it. How to convince him of this? Try to use all your acting talents. The success of the entire event will depend on how much you yourself desire to purchase a new dress or jewelry. You don't have time for doubt. Once you find yourself in a jewelry store, try to sincerely feign admiration for the chic necklace you’ve been dreaming about for so long. Don’t be shy in your expressions, try to be a maximalist: “This is exactly what I dreamed of all my life.” conscious life“If I get this, I’ll be the happiest woman in the world.” If your man believes that this purchase is really important to you, he is unlikely to refuse it to you. Try to confuse the man and mislead him regarding the required amount. If he asks the seller to name the price, ask the seller not to name it right away: say that you don’t want to be upset, but would still like to try it on. If you wear the jewelry or dress of your dreams, then consider yourself halfway won.
There is one more important tip. Never warn your man in advance about an upcoming shopping trip or that you want to buy a very expensive item. By warning him in advance about upcoming expenses, you give him time to think. During this time, he can collect his thoughts and think carefully about whether it is worth giving you such an expensive gift. It’s better if you drag your beloved to a fashionable boutique or an expensive restaurant completely spontaneously, as if without intending to buy anything. Such spontaneity will be to your advantage - the man simply will not be able to get his bearings, so, most likely, he will fulfill your “little” whim.
In addition, by bringing your loved one to the store, you get another advantage - you can demonstrate a future purchase. And visibility, as you know, is worth a thousand words. Your man will understand how great the necklace or evening dress you choose looks on you. And perhaps, without even looking at the price, he will hand the seller his credit card.
Rule No. 28
How to persuade a man to cook dinner?
There is a common misconception among men that only women should cook. Men's concern is to earn more money, and a woman must create all the conditions for this: first of all, feed her man. The male half of the population is not embarrassed by the fact that women, just like them, work, look after children (if they have any, of course), take care of themselves and manage to clean the house. Men often don’t wonder how their beloved manages to do everything.
If you don’t want to turn into a tortured housewife who only has household chores on her mind, you will have to learn to exploit your beloved. If you have no idea how to get your man to help you with housework, for example, to cook something edible for you, then this chapter is for you.
First, try to convince him that cooking is not a purely feminine activity and many men love to cook, and in restaurants the chefs are predominantly male. There is no point in stating this directly. You can talk about this topic casually, as if not pursuing any goals. During dinner, for example, you can tell your man a story about the wonderful talent of your friend’s husband: they say, he cooks so well that you’ll just lick your fingers. One of the many culinary programs may be among your favorite programs; it is better if its participants are predominantly men. It is advisable that your man be present when watching it and at least glance at the TV screen.
The most important thing is to get the man to take the first step: if he picks up a cookbook, he will probably have a desire to surprise you. As they say, hard trouble begins. How to achieve this? Come up with some urgent matter for yourself that will not allow you to come home for dinner during the week. For example, emergency at work: balance sheet or something else. During the first days, a man can eat in a cafe, but sooner or later he will get up to the stove and try to satisfy his need for home-cooked food. Perhaps the beginning will not be too virtuosic - banal scrambled eggs and pasta with sausages, then he will be interested in the recipe in the cookbook you specially left on the table. And, who knows, maybe when you come home after another hard day at work, you will find a wonderful dinner on the table, prepared by the hands of your own husband.
Another way to force a man to stand at the stove is a sharp deterioration in the quality of your dishes: for completely unknown reasons, you forget how to cook - everything burns and is over-salted so that it is completely impossible to eat. Having eaten his fill of over-salted soup and burnt cutlets, your man will simply be forced to pick up a recipe book.
There is another sure-fire way to get a man to cook. It is known that men are very sensitive to pregnant women and try to please them in everything. So, if your desire to teach your beloved to cook coincides with your joint desire to have a child, then go ahead. Your loved one will be ready to do anything for you and your future child.
Rule No. 29
How to persuade a man to pay more attention to you?
Do you feel like your loved one is not paying enough attention to you? He has too much to do at work, so he always comes back late, or he meets with his friends too often, or maybe when he comes home, he just lies down on the couch and watches TV, without even wanting to talk to you. If you want to change the situation, then you should seriously work on your relationship.
There may be various reasons for this behavior. Perhaps he is thinking about your future and trying to earn as much money as possible. Or he simply values his friends very much, so he is always glad to meet them. Another option: he is so tired from work that he has no time to talk at all. But in any case, if a man does not pay enough attention to you, you are also the culprit of this inattention. Perhaps the man has lost interest in you, he has become bored in your company, so he is looking for a way to reduce the time you spend together. You can change the situation if you want.
Try to turn your man's return home from work into a small celebration. The main thing is that the desire to go home returns to him, the confidence appears that his beautiful wife is waiting for him there and a delicious dinner is ready. Analyze the topics of your conversations, think about whether you are an interesting interlocutor for your man. Very often, women simply do not know how to interest a man; they talk incessantly about cosmetics, fashionable outfits and women's trinkets. You must understand that men are a different world, they are interested in completely different topics. Of course, you are absolutely under no obligation to talk to them about cars and football, but you can try to penetrate his inner world, try to show interest in the things that he lives by - his work, his friends, his hobbies.
Being an interesting conversationalist for your chosen one is half the success. The other depends on your ability to use little feminine tricks. To get more attention, you need to be able to attract it. How? Very simple.
- Honey, how do I look today?(And you should always look your best, and you can ask this question as often as you wish.)
It will be nice if strangers can appreciate your beauty and charm. A little jealousy on the part of your chosen one will benefit your relationship. Your man might have lost interest in you, because he was sure that you were in his power and would not go anywhere. Try to shake his confidence, create a threat to his inner peace, make him worry. As soon as there is a danger of losing you, the man will begin to pay attention to you much more often than before.
A man’s desire to be close to his beloved woman largely depends on her talent for organizing joint leisure time. Remember how long ago you were at the cinema together, sitting in the last row and kissing. When was the last time you went to a restaurant or cafe together? Or maybe you just need to go to the skating rink, because you used to really love doing this. In general, think about how you can diversify your life, make it colorful, fill it with new impressions, be proactive - and then your man will pay more attention to you.
Rule No. 30
How to persuade a man to make renovations to your taste?
You really want to renovate your dilapidated home - remodel, revitalize the interior. But you just can’t come to a compromise; you constantly quarrel over little things. The renovation has been delayed because you can’t agree on which wallpaper to prefer.
The problem of repairs became fatal for many couples: lovers broke up without reaching a compromise. If such a dangerous issue as home renovation has appeared in your life, you should treat it very carefully and act not through persuasion and requests, but through manipulation.
Men are confident that they understand much better than women when it comes to repairs. In order for your opinion in choosing wallpaper and new furniture to become authoritative for your man, you need to work hard.
First, you need to decide what you want. It is important that you clearly formulate the idea of your new interior. You should not prove to your chosen one just out of a sense of contradiction and your own importance that the bedroom must certainly have yellow wallpaper, and not brown, as he wants.
You need to turn your idea into your man's idea, convince him that it originated in his head. Make him believe that he wants yellow wallpaper, not brown. How to do it?
They use the “random page” method. Leave it, as if by accident, on dining table fashionable interior design magazine. It should be opened exactly on the page that shows the interior that, in your opinion, is very suitable for your apartment. If the man does not react to this in any way, then you can completely “accidentally” forget this magazine in the bedroom, in the living room or even in the toilet (where your man will definitely have time to think). The result of such manipulation should be his complete confidence that the interior design that HE found in the magazine would be very good for your apartment.
If this technique does not work and your man remains unconvinced, then you can turn to a qualified specialist. People, as a rule, are more willing to trust the authoritative opinion of an outsider. Please consult with an interior designer first. Ask him at the next meeting, which you attend together with your man, to advise you exactly the option that you liked most. Be sure that your man will agree with the expert’s opinion. You may even doubt the designer’s advice: “But it seems to me that the option with brown wallpaper will suit us.” We assure you that the man will agree with the opinion of the specialist. The job is done: you can safely begin the long-awaited renovation.
Rule No. 31
How to persuade a man to quit smoking?
Your man smokes too much, you have tried everything: persuasion, requests, and threats, but nothing has any effect on him. It still smokes like a locomotive, despite your dislike for this bad habit. Well, it's time for you to resort to manipulation and help your man quit smoking.
This is very complex issue: Should you try to stop a man from smoking? The fact is that for an experienced smoker, those who oppose his bad habit are his enemies. In most cases, a person who smokes depends on cigarettes both physiologically and psychologically. Moreover, if physiological dependence can be overcome with the help of various medications, then it is impossible to get rid of psychological dependence. You can help your loved one with this.
In this case, you cannot use the blackmail technique: if you don’t quit smoking, then I will leave you. A man, most likely, will not quit smoking, but will secretly continue to poison his body. Perhaps your words could become the beginning of a serious confrontation or even a conflict between you.
You must act using the method of hidden control. Your task is to convince him that smoking is an addiction and it greatly limits his existence. Invite him, for example, to a new restaurant, book a table in advance. Arriving there, you find out, as if by accident, that this is a non-smoking restaurant. On the one hand, you deliberately create discomfort for your man, and on the other, you prove to him that bad habit limits him. Arrange more frequent trips to the cinema, the theater - places where you need to limit yourself for a long time in satisfying the need to smoke. When meeting your mother, you can ask him not to tell her that he smokes, since she hates cigarette smoke and always swears. Your man is unlikely to refuse you, and during the entire visit he will have to hide his addiction to nicotine.
Try to make him understand that he is able to cope with nicotine addiction. Always celebrate his successes: “Darling, you haven’t smoked for three whole hours.” Be on his side, become his friend, not his enemy. Help, don't blame.
In order to quit smoking, your man must have an incentive, so to speak, a super task. He must answer the question: why does he want to get rid of cigarettes? For women, pregnancy can be such an incentive: many representatives of the fair sex quit smoking after learning that they will become mothers. Your pregnancy can also be an incentive for your chosen one: “The child needs fresh air, so you should stop smoking in the apartment, or better yet, quit completely, so as not to make your first-born a passive smoker.” Or, for example, you can find your man a vacant position in a prestigious company. When he becomes eager to get this job, you can tell him that preference in this company is given to people without bad habits. Then, perhaps, he will have a desire to get rid of his addiction.
It is quite possible that you will not be able to completely wean your beloved from his addiction, but even if you reduce the number of cigarettes you smoke per day, this will be a great achievement.
Rule No. 32
How to persuade a man to marry you?
Do you feel like your relationship with the man you love is stuck in one place? You're still just his girlfriend and he's still just your boyfriend. You have long been convinced of the strength of your feelings, but for some reason he is in no hurry to propose to you. You think it's time to take the bull by the horns.
A man’s fear before a wedding is quite understandable: almost every man is afraid of losing his own independence, of parting with the so-called male freedom. Just like any woman is afraid of remaining unmarried or simply an old maid. How to persuade your man to marry? Yes, it’s very simple: you need to convince him that marriage is not as scary as it seems. You must rid your loved one of the common male prejudice that the end of a bachelor’s life is the beginning of a new, boring and hopeless life of a married man.
Almost every man is frightened by a woman’s persistent desire to become his wife. Therefore, try to hide from your chosen one your irresistible desire to get a stamp in your passport. There are polygamist tricks that are resorted to in order to force a man to marry. Someone gives birth to children counting on the nobility of the father: he will not abandon his offspring. Someone tries to attract a man with their culinary talents: I’m such a good housewife, you simply can’t find a better one. This is also a kind of manipulation, but each of these methods has its own errors: they may or may not work.
We offer you a win-win. You must fully support the man in his belief that a good thing will not be called marriage. Take the side of the avid bachelors who don't want to hear anything about wedding ceremonies, dresses, festivities and the boredom of distant relatives. Be persistent in your rejection of the institution of marriage as such. Try to convince your man that you always want to be free like the wind.
At first, such a policy cannot but please your man. He will admire you, so different from other women, and rejoice at his own happiness. But after a while, a treacherous thought will definitely come to his mind: if you value your freedom so much, are you ready to part with it for him, are you able to prove your love. Your man may be seriously afraid that you, so bright and extraordinary, will one day simply leave him. Be sure that sooner or later his proposal to get married will come at first timidly, then more and more persistently.
Your task is to play the play to the end, not to agree to the first marriage proposal. He must seek your consent as long and painfully as he sought reciprocity from you. Men always value what they had to obtain with blood and sweat. If your hand and heart were not easy for him, then rest assured that he will value them until the end of his life.
Rule No. 33
How to persuade a man to have a child?
You can't wait to have a baby, but for some reason your chosen one is against it? He is sure that a child is a very important step that can change your whole life. And he is not ready for this yet. How to convince him that a child is not only a burden of responsibility, but also wonderful gift fate?
Among the manipulative techniques, the “positive example” method is best suited here. If you see young parents with their baby walking in the park, be sure to note how cute they look. If you know someone with a child, be sure to organize a trip to see them together with your chosen one. See how they live, how they cope, ask if they have free time, if they manage to relax. It is best if the baby is already over a year old, and the parents have already managed to acclimatize after his birth.
Your man may change his mind about fatherhood if you organize a conversation with the new dad. It would be great if dad shared his impressions of the arrival of a new member to his family. He will tell you how much he changed his life. It will be great if the impressions of the child’s father will be so vivid and expressive that your beloved will be eager to have his own child.
If this does not work, then try using the “immersion” method. Make an appointment with your friend who has a child. And ask your man to sit with her child for a short time while you chat about your business. Very often, men do not want to have children because they experience some fear of them: many simply do not know what to do with them. For such insecure men, this method is suitable. After sitting with the child for an hour and a half, the man’s image of fatherhood will begin to take shape; he may ask the question: “Can I be a good father?” If he fails to establish contact with the child after the first meeting, then it should be repeated several more times until he develops an interest in the child and a desire to experience fatherly feelings.
Rule No. 34
How to persuade a man to leave his mistress?
You accidentally found out about your loved one's betrayal. What to do in such a situation? Should I leave him, start a scandal, or demand that he immediately break up with his mistress? If you decide to save your union, we will help you with this.
Cheating does not happen in a vacuum, therefore, if you are sure that your beloved has an affair on the side, you must analyze your relationship and understand where you made a mistake, where you are imperfect and what he lacks.
If you still decide to save your relationship, your man is dear to you, then scandals, persuasion and entreaties are unlikely to help you. Use the technique of hidden control so that your man voluntarily leaves his mistress. Few women manage to win back their man, getting away with it, that is, maintaining their union without losing their self-esteem. How to do it? Here are just a few useful tips and effective techniques.
1. If a man still hasn’t revealed his secret to you, but you found out about it by chance when you met him with his mistress, then know that he values your relationship, he doesn’t want to lose you, and an outside relationship is not so serious for him. In this case, take advantage of your own importance, provoke a situation in which the man will understand that he can lose you. To do this, you just need to expose your beloved, bring him into the open, and make him understand that you know everything. The disclosure should not be accompanied by a scandal or threats; try to be balanced and as calm as possible.
2. Make a man jealous. Create intrigue in your relationship - hint that you are also having an affair. This can be done very simply: ask your friend to call you late in the evening, and when the man asks who it was, be embarrassed and come up with some ridiculous excuse that it was a work colleague . For a man, as a rule, your betrayal is fantastic. They admit own betrayal, but they don’t imagine that their woman could cheat on them. If he suspects that you are cheating on him, he will devote all his efforts to finding out the truth. You can maintain intrigue by making new hints without presenting direct evidence. Your man will begin to pay more attention to you, and he simply will not have time for his mistress, but his interest in you will awaken if he understands that he must again seek you, moreover, “beat off” you from your imaginary lover.
3. And, finally, an integral part of female manipulation is a seductive appearance. You will have to make more than one trip to the beauty salon. Awaken in yourself the desire to spend your entire salary on yourself. Compliments from the men around you, their passionate glances should make your man look at you with the same eyes that he looked at long ago when he was courting you. Try to reanimate his feelings, and he himself will forget the one he wanted to exchange you with.
Rule No. 35
How to persuade a man to give you his salary?
In your family, does everyone have their own pocket, their own expenses and income? You dream that your beloved will give you every penny. But he still hides his income from you, and you only have an approximate idea of how much he receives. What should I do?
If you and your lover are established individuals with good jobs, you may not be asking this question. But if you still have no idea about the family budget, your family cannot be called complete. In order to force your beloved to reveal all hidden items of income and expenses, you can use several effective manipulation techniques.
Usually men hide their income in order to make it easier to hide expenses. After all, if you don’t know how much he earns, you won’t know how much, and most importantly, what he spends his savings on. Your task is to “promote” your man, make him play openly.
You can do this as follows. Try to exceed your total expenses on it. Let him pay for the purchase of groceries, utilities, trips to the restaurant and to the cinema. You can explain your insolvency by the fact that, having received your next salary, you decided to look into a fashion boutique and accidentally spent everything. This can be repeated for more than one month until your beloved himself suggests that you spend your “general” savings more economically. In this way, you will lead him to the idea that it is time to combine your financial efforts.
Another variant. You may have an idea to buy a car or an apartment. The main thing is that your man is interested in this purchase. You can look for a new car together, consult on estimates and loan options. Thus, you will kindle in your man the desire to purchase this item as quickly as possible. Then you can start taking action. “Darling, we can fulfill our dream only if we are very economical and start taking into account our expenses.” You can even try to create a family budget book in which you will keep track of your savings. In such a situation, your lover is unlikely to refuse to share his savings, because buying a new car is in his interests. And after its acquisition, the concept “ family budget" will become familiar to both of you.
Chapter 4
How to resist male manipulation?
Rule No. 36
Develop reflection: understand yourself, your goals and the goals of others
Do you think that you are very easily influenced by members of the stronger sex? Do you feel unable to resist their manipulations? In order to give a worthy rebuff to the manipulator, you must learn to understand yourself and your goals.
In order to expose the manipulator, try to always predict further development events, think ahead, try to find out the man’s goal before he voiced it. Be on the lookout and always have a refusal ready if the man’s proposal does not interest you. If you feel that a man, like a spider, is dragging you into his web, then you should refuse his proposal.
Let's give an example of a conversation between a manipulator and a girl who succumbed to his influence and was unable to resist his manipulation. The man begins his conversation as follows: “I really like you, and I would like to talk with you alone,” the beginning of the conversation is quite friendly and, it would seem, , does not contain any threat. Hearing such a confession, the girl is naturally flattered and embarrassed, she tries to respond to sincerity with sincerity. She agrees to a date. Having secured consent, the young man does not allow her to come to her senses; he immediately offers her two options for a date: a hotel outside the city or an apartment in a local motel. The girl is confused and doesn’t know what to choose. The man insists on making a quick decision. She decides that it is not worth going out of town, and chooses a more suitable option, in her opinion - a hotel in the city. The man books a rather expensive room, in the room he treats his chosen one with champagne and delicacies - all this does not come cheap. The girl begins to feel awkward, she feels that she is obliged to her companion. She understands that she is unlikely to be able to refuse him if he asks her to spend the night with him. Which is what happens as a result.
In this case, there are skillful actions of a male manipulator and the girl’s inability to resist him. What should you have done in this situation? The girl didn’t even try to figure out this man’s goal, although it was obvious from the very beginning. The man suggested that she arrange a date not in a restaurant or park, but in a hotel, from this one could conclude what he was trying to achieve. In this case, the man skillfully used manipulative techniques. He offered the girl an imaginary alternative: to spend time either in a country hotel or in a city hotel. In fact, the essence of the proposal did not change. In such a situation, the girl herself could offer a third option for the development of events, for example, take a walk in the park or go to her favorite cafe. She did not do this and found herself at the mercy of her companion. But even having accepted his offer, she should not have felt awkward, or felt like she owed anything to her companion. The girl was embarrassed because the man had spent a lot of money - this is another manipulation technique. The man hoped that by giving his companion such a gift, by providing some kind of service, he would be able to ask her for anything. It so happened that the girl could not refuse when he made her a fairly frank offer. The girl’s mistake in this example is very indicative: we can conclude that when communicating with a man you need to be on guard, be able to calculate his goals in advance and be able to refuse if his goals do not coincide with your desires.
Rule No. 37
Be extremely careful
Often men turn out to be successful manipulators due to simple female inattention. Women are not always able to concentrate on the main subject of the conversation; it is very easy to switch them to foreign objects. Therefore, another extremely important piece of advice: be careful when communicating with men!
When talking with a man, you should always filter out unnecessary information and leave only the main thing - why the man started this conversation.
How to learn to concentrate on the main subject of conversation? First of all, remember the basic tricks of the manipulator, with the help of which he can try to switch your attention, distract you, and confuse you. For example, during a conversation, a man may suddenly remember an important meeting for which he is allegedly late, or an urgent call that he needs to make. In this way he redirects your attention. Your task is to concentrate on his request and try not to be distracted by these tricks. Very often, after using this technique, manipulators ask you to immediately give a final answer to a question or make a decision. In order not to fall for these tricks, you should once again clarify with your interlocutor the essence of his request or proposal.
When talking to a manipulator, don’t be afraid to ask again, clarify, or interrupt. Some people are extremely successful at using the “quick talk” method to confuse a person. This method of manipulation is designed for a person’s lack of attentiveness, who may miss important details of the conversation due to the fast pace of the interlocutor. If you encounter such a trick, ask the person to slow down the rate of speech and start over. Or ask some clarifying question at the very beginning - this will immediately throw the manipulator off the rhythm.
Another way to switch attention is to switch the conversation to another topic.
Here are some examples:
- Honey, I'm going to meet my friends today. You know, you look great today. Have you changed your hairstyle?
- Honey, I'm leaving on a business trip in a week. Dinner today was excellent. I think you added chicken curry?
Likewise, men often divert our attention from an important subject. The essence of the manipulation is clear: the woman simply does not have time to think through the information received and, as a rule, answers the last question asked of her, losing sight of what was said at the very beginning. To prevent this from happening to you, try to immediately resist the manipulation: without answering the question, ask a counter question:
- I didn't catch when you meet your friends.
- Repeat, please, when you are going on a business trip.
Rule No. 38
Pretend that you don’t understand or understand anything about this issue.
You have been asked to fulfill a small request, and you don’t really want to do it, but you don’t want to offend the person asking with a refusal. In order to competently refuse, you can pretend to be a person who does not understand this issue: “I cannot understand the essence of your request.”
A work colleague asks you to work for a non-shift worker on a day off. You really don’t want to lose your day off, but it’s somehow awkward to refuse without a good reason. You can answer like this: “You know, last month I also changed shifts with Marinka, but in the accounting department they messed something up and calculated the salary less than usual. I tried to find out, but I didn’t understand anything in their explanations and decided not to change shifts with anyone else, otherwise I’ll end up getting the least amount of money.” You can simply brush aside all his persuasion and suggestions to figure it out on your own and stand your ground: “I haven’t figured this issue out and I don’t want to be made a fool again.”
We find another illustrative example of such manipulation in literature - in N.V. Gogol’s poem “Dead Souls” the female character Korobochka behaves in a similar way. Chichikov calls her “club-headed” because she doesn’t want to sell him anything dead Souls and explains this by saying that he does not understand what the essence of the deal is. This tactic characterizes Korobochka as a woman with good intuition: she understands that Chichikov wants to deceive her and is trying to resist his manipulations.
You can use this tactic in various situations: misunderstanding of the interlocutor very often infuriates even an experienced manipulator, he loses his composure and, as a rule, does not achieve the intended goal.
The boss calls you and asks you to tell us about the violations you noticed on the part of the company’s employees. You don’t want to spoil your relationship with your boss, but you don’t want to give away “your own” either. He is trying to find out the truth from you, using the most sophisticated methods of manipulation. The simplest and surest way to resist is to say that you saw nothing and know nothing. The main thing in this situation is to be persistent in your “testimony”. Under no circumstances should you engage in long explanations or arguments about what if you knew, you would definitely say, since you are a very honest worker and always tell the truth. Answer all questions in monosyllables: “I didn’t see anything,” “I don’t understand what you’re asking,” “I really don’t know what to tell you,” etc. The monotony of answers will not allow your boss to find a weak point in your testimony, and he will be forced to believe you.
Rule No. 39
Don't make decisions "here and now"
If you are required to make an immediate decision, this means only one thing: your interlocutor is trying to manipulate you, he is trying not to give you time to think, so that you do not change your mind and reject his proposal. Your task is to slow down the hasty interlocutor and take a time out in order to weigh everything.
Imagine this situation: you are walking through the shops and suddenly on one of them you see a huge poster: “Only today and only we have 99% discounts on all products.” Do you think you'll go inside? Certainly. A very tempting offer. The store has even more attractive information - on all products you see two price tags: one, old, with a five-digit figure, the other with a three-digit figure. "Wow! - you think. “I was extremely lucky.” Although you had no plans to buy anything anytime soon, the unique offer made you change your mind, and you rush to make as many purchases as possible at this unique price. When you come home and look at your new purchases, you discover that the items are not of very good quality, some are defective, and you didn’t even get the receipt in a hurry. A week later, passing by this store, you come across the same sign about a unique sale and see people leaving the store with happy faces, thinking about how fabulously lucky they are.
This example once again proves the truth: measure seven times, cut once. You always need to think, even when you are offered an unrealistically good deal, a unique purchase with a crazy discount, or something else. In any case, remember that if you are asked to make a decision now, then you need to be wary. After listening to your interlocutor, you must answer the questions: “Do I need this right now? For that kind of money? Will this be useful to me? If the answers are positive, then you shouldn’t lose your head and agree to a purchase or deal. You must receive appropriate guarantees: that if the business fails, you will be able to get the money back. If your interlocutor does not give such a guarantee, it means that you are faced with a manipulator who wants to deceive you.
Rule No. 40
Don't tell too much about yourself
Any information about you can be used against you. This is the law of manipulation. If you have identified a manipulator, try to deprive him of his main weapon - information about yourself, because the most effective way to resist manipulation is not to tell anything about yourself.
In reality, it can be difficult to resist an offer from a manipulator, especially if you like him. But it is in your best interests to pull yourself together and refuse his offer. First, take a defensive position. Ignore his suggestions at all costs. However, to get his way, a clever manipulator may invite you to visit a trendy club or a newly opened bar. Refuse without giving any reason. You shouldn’t go into details and tell him that you prefer other types of recreation or that you don’t really like noisy places. By entering into explanations, you help the manipulator: you give out invaluable information about yourself, which he will definitely try to use. In a week, he may present you with a ticket to the cinema or theater. Perhaps he really wants to please you, or perhaps this is just a tactical move. Most likely, he is simply looking for a special approach to you. He is trying to use the knowledge about you that you suggested. Once you accept his offer, he will immediately begin to use his influence on you.
Girls very often fall for the bait of clever manipulators, coming into contact with them, talking about interests and hobbies. Experienced men will immediately extract all the necessary information about you from one insignificant conversation and use it next time.
Therefore, in the fight against a manipulator, be vigilant, do not engage in long conversations, do not talk about your hobbies and secrets. If you do not want to seem impolite, answer all his questions abstractly, for example, that you do not want to talk, that you are not inclined to have fun, or that you have too much to do. With such answers you will confuse even the most dexterous manipulator; he will not be able to learn anything new about you and, most likely, after some time he himself will be forced to give up the dream of achieving the task.
Rule No. 41
Try not to show pity
Some men try to get their way from a woman effective way- they cause pity. The mechanism of this manipulation is clear: a woman is unlikely to refuse to help a person who is unhappy and offended by fate. In order to arouse pity in a woman, men can pretend to be the most unfortunate creatures in the world, inventing a story about how they were kicked out of work or abandoned by their wife.
You need to be very careful when dealing with such “unhappy” men. If you don’t know your interlocutor well and you don’t have the opportunity to check his legend, then don’t rush to put yourself in his position, leave yourself the legal right to doubt. You can easily determine whether he is telling you the truth or trying to deceive, take advantage of the effect of his story. Sympathize with your interlocutor and try to find out some details of his misfortune. If he refuses to tell you his story in detail, then most likely he wants to deceive you and deliberately arouse pity. After all, if he didn’t want to remember this, it’s unclear why he even started telling you about his difficult fate. There is one more sign that can distinguish the imaginary unfortunate from the real one. The imaginary unlucky ones, as a rule, talk very pathetically about their fate; it seems that they are retelling a romantic story borrowed from some novel. People who actually experienced a tragedy either very dryly present the facts of their biography, or try not to mention it at all.
Once you figure out the manipulator, keep your eyes open. Of course, you can sympathize, but at the same time remain sober and do not lose the ability to analyze what is happening. After all, the feeling of pity deprives a woman of this ability; sometimes she becomes imbued with trust in her interlocutor when he does not deserve it.
You will finally understand that this is a skilled actor when, at the end of his story, your interlocutor asks for a favor. He seems to apologize for his request: “I was fired, and I had no money left, the last of the money went to pay off the loan (or for my daughter’s wedding) - could you lend me a little until I get back on my feet?” Or another option: “My wife left me, and I’m so lonely, I just need a woman’s affection and tenderness.” Of course, it is very difficult to refuse such requests, but you must remember that this is not an unhappy person, but a skillful manipulator who uses his mask to get what he needs from you.
In such a situation, you need to take time - try to find an opportunity to think about his request. Try to knock the manipulator out of his thoughts, to ensure that the pity he evokes gives way to common sense. It is best to leave him for a while in order to weigh everything and make the right decision. After you come to your senses, you will be able to soberly evaluate the pros and cons of his proposal.
Rule No. 42
Always be wary of overly kind compliments
Remember Krylov’s famous fable “The Crow and the Fox”: in this work, the Fox acts as a real manipulator, her manipulation is successful - she receives the coveted piece of cheese from the Crow. And the essence of this manipulation is ordinary flattery.
It is known that women love with their ears; for them there is nothing sweeter than the music of admiration, especially if these words come from the lips of a man. Most representatives of the fair half lose their heads and become convenient victims for the manipulator.
When should you be wary? Firstly, if the man did not often compliment you or never praised you at all. And then suddenly he was definitely replaced: he tells you all day that you look wonderful, noticed your new shoes and appreciated your perfume. This is the first signal that something is wrong here. The second warning sign: if a man’s compliments have become more sugary, more like flattery than true admiration. This is also a sign that the man needs something from you.
The essence of the manipulation is very simple: a woman loses her head from compliments and becomes easily controlled, more trusting, and begins to feel sympathy for her interlocutor. That's when a man can ask her for something.
How to resist a manipulator who is trying to gain your trust by saying a bunch of compliments? How to determine whether his admiration for you is sincere or false? This is not an easy task. You can overcome it if you have adequate self-esteem and are able to objectively evaluate yourself and your own efforts. Try to analyze your interlocutor's compliments from the point of view of proximity to the truth. Of course, any woman is pleased to hear praises, especially from a man, but try to come down to earth and understand how true these praises are. Perhaps his words are more like flattery uttered for selfish purposes. You should be wary if your interlocutor with the enthusiasm of a poet praises the slenderness of your legs, but they may not be slender, or he compliments your sophisticated manner of dressing, but it seems to you that your taste is not all right.
As soon as you see through the flatterer, immediately begin defensive actions. You can use his own weapon: give him two or three compliments that are far from reality. Play with your interlocutor as the heroes of another famous Krylov fable, “The Cuckoo and the Rooster”: “The Cuckoo praises the Rooster because he praises the Cuckoo.”
- Darling, these earrings match your eyes perfectly. You are so good at choosing jewelry. Could you help me choose a gift for my girlfriend?
- I would love to, but with your impeccable taste, you don’t need an assistant and it’s even contraindicated.
Rule No. 43
What to do if a man creates the appearance of intellectual superiority
Women prefer smart men, and therefore representatives of the stronger sex try to produce the appropriate effect in order to gain trust. Is your interlocutor spewing sayings of philosophers and using unfamiliar words? He seems too smart to argue with him, and you don't even try to prove your point of view, although it fundamentally disagrees with the speaker's point of view. Be careful: you may simply be being manipulated.
Very often, in order to gain women's trust, a man creates the illusion of intellectual superiority. This method of manipulation is based on the human fear of admitting one's ignorance. Therefore, instead of arguing with “smart” people, we, as a rule, agree with them. How to distinguish a manipulator from a truly smart person? Manipulators use bookish, rarely used words to appear smarter. Their speech is too pretentious for normal conversation. An intelligent person, on the contrary, does not boast of his intellect, but tries to explain his point of view in a form accessible to the average person. Manipulators, instead of the standard question “How are you? How was the weekend?”, they may ask you: “How are you feeling? Did you manage to enjoy your weekend?” In the speech of “smart guys,” words often slip through that you haven’t heard of, and their use often leads to a dead end: “Don’t you think she’s behaving irrationally?” or “I think his tie is a little too eclectic, don’t you think?” In their speech, manipulators often use quotes from famous people: “Just about this, Goethe said...” or “But Schopenhauer thought differently...”. Very often, such quotes are made up and have nothing in common with those to whom they are attributed. This is done deliberately to confuse the interlocutor: look, they say, how smart I am.
In order not to succumb to this kind of manipulation, we suggest mastering the following techniques. Learn a few “smart” words that your interlocutor has hardly heard of, and if he has, he doesn’t know what they mean - for example, congruence, transcendentality, etc. You can invent several independent quotes and attribute them to famous people, just like your interlocutor did : “I recently re-read Dostoevsky, and that’s why he said…” or “But Hegel believed that...”. By taking advantage of the enemy's tactics, you can resist his manipulations. Of course, this method of confrontation can only be used if you are really sure that this is a manipulator who does not have encyclopedic knowledge.
Rule No. 44
How to resist your boss's manipulation?
Do you feel like your boss often uses manipulation and you are unable to resist them? Good boss- always a good manipulator. Its main task is to control, sometimes for this it is necessary to use hidden control levers.
How to spot a manipulative boss? Your boss adheres to a democratic management style. He never shouts or demands anything, but you always fulfill his demands without appeal. After all, he is your boss. You find him charming, even attractive. He does not skimp on compliments and always notes changes in the appearance of his employees. If your boss personally asks you for something, then you agree, for example, to work overtime without extra pay, or go on a business trip in place of a sick employee. You have never asked for a salary increase. Your attitude towards the leader is respectful and respectful. If all of the above applies to your situation, then you are most likely being manipulated.
How to resist a manipulator if he is your boss? The task is not easy. First you need to learn to demand. Start small: ask for a day off at your own expense or a small amount in advance. I'm sure they won't refuse you. Further - more: salary increases, career growth, social benefits, etc. Of course, you will not get to this right away.
Your embarrassment in front of your boss is dictated by his ability to manipulate people and make them trust him. You are flattered that he notices your new hairstyle, new dress and praises you for your success. That is why you are simply embarrassed to ask for financial incentives labor. You feel awkward: it’s awkward to ask your already impeccable boss for something else, it’s awkward to reproach him for not appreciating your work enough. But such is life: you must convince your boss that you want to receive not only compliments and praise for your work, but also decent material rewards.
Your position in the company will become stronger if you declare yourself and demonstrate your ability to resist the manager. You just need to do this without aggression and negativity. You can introduce an element of play and flirting into your communication with a male director: react to his compliments, smile more often, joke. Remember that communication between a woman and a man is always something more, even if there is nothing between them.
Rule No. 45
What to do if a man takes advantage of his financial superiority?
One of the most reliable and proven ways to manipulate a woman is money. There is a rule of etiquette that states that a man who invites a lady to a restaurant must pay for her order. But this rule has long become a tool of clever manipulators of women’s consciousness.
In the West, with the development of emancipation, women saw through this male trick, so there everyone pays for himself. In our country, this rule applies, but with a caveat: a woman allows herself to be paid for, but at the same time feels obligated to her companion.
A feeling of awkwardness and unexpressed gratitude accompanies a woman if she receives an expensive gift, if a man pays for a taxi for two, or simply invites a woman to use his discount card. It is this feeling of awkwardness that manipulators take advantage of.
Of course, a man can give you a gift or pay the bill at a restaurant disinterestedly, out of a feeling of sympathy for you, following the rules of good manners. But most often behind such actions there is a desire to force you to fulfill his request.
How to resist such manipulation? You must remember that if a man invited you to a restaurant and paid for your order, this does not mean that you have to thank him in any special way, other than the usual “thank you.” You can fulfill or not fulfill the man’s further requests or desires at your own discretion. Remember that by paying for your order, the man was simply following the rules of etiquette, and did not provide you with an extraordinary service. In order to feel more confident in such situations, you can practice. For example, accept an invitation from strangers to join you at a bar and, after sitting for a while and ordering a glass of wine, bow out and leave. In this case, you will do everything right, the main thing is that the company is adequate. Repeat this “trick” several times. If you still feel awkward and begin to dance “to the tune” of your gentleman, then use the Western method - pay for yourself.
Rule No. 46
How to talk to a man who demonstrates his strength superiority?
Men are stronger than women. This superiority is another way of manipulating women's consciousness. In order to win a woman over to their side, to convince her that they are right, men demonstrate their advantage.
The mechanism of this manipulation is completely obvious: stronger, so it’s better not to argue with me. Men demonstrate their superiority to us every day. Heavy bag? I can carry it. Is your car slipping? I can push her. Stuck zipper? I can fix it. Usually this is a demonstration without intent, but skilled manipulators try to use this advantage for selfish purposes.
To do this, they can organize a whole performance: for example, they can stage an attack by hooligans and defeat them, or the theft of a handbag and its return. Your savior, strong and brave, is automatically the owner of your trust.
Manipulators can find a way to demonstrate their superiority in real life. For example, having noticed your titanic efforts to drag documents from the archive, the manipulator can offer its services. Or, seeing how you are trying to cross a huge puddle on your toes, he will carry you in his arms. Perhaps his actions are caused by a feeling of sympathy towards you, or perhaps he wants to gain your trust and arouse your sympathy.
Your actions: take a close look at the man flaunting his strength in front of you. Try to guess his motives: does he just want to impress or is he trying to manipulate you. For the purity of the experiment, you can play the role of a gullible girl who is captivated by his charm and strength. You will identify the manipulator when he, convinced of your trust, expresses his request or desire. Once you are convinced of his selfish intentions, you can safely refuse him if his offer does not interest you.
Rule No. 47
How to communicate with men from the “guy” category?
There is a special type of man whom women classify as “theirs.” They are trusted with the most terrible secrets, they chat with them about clothes and discuss hobbies, they say about them: “Their guy.” These are men with whom they are mostly friends, but never have affairs. Be careful when communicating with such men; perhaps your friend is a skilled manipulator.
A universal way to win someone over is to become like him, become his copy, pretend that you share his interests. Gradually they begin to perceive you as one of their own, and no one expects meanness or other dirty tricks from you. Remember the hero of Gogol's novel Chichikov, who had a unique talent for winning hearts. He skillfully manipulated people, copying their behavior and agreeing with their assessments.
Agree, you rarely meet a man who enjoys talking about shopping or makeup. If your friend does not belong to the category of sexual minorities, then most likely he is trying to gain your trust for further manipulation. You are unlikely to be able to refuse a “tiny” request from “your boyfriend.”
You can resist such manipulation in the following way. Reduce your communication with him to a minimum, try to avoid overly frank conversations, do not give information about yourself, do not reveal your deepest secrets - otherwise you yourself will hand him a weapon against you. If you enjoy communicating on feminine topics with a representative of the opposite sex, you can continue to do this, just don’t let the manipulator get too close, keep it at a distance. At the first attempt to use his influence, make it clear to you that his methods are unsuccessful.
- Honey, can you help me with this terrible report?
- You know, I would love to, but I have a lot of work to do myself.
- Honey, can you lend me some money before payday?
- I would like to help you, but I decided to do it myself.
After several failures, your “dear friend” may himself refuse to communicate with you and choose another object for manipulation.
Rule No. 48
How to resist the manipulations of a perfectly dressed man?
An impeccable appearance is another way of manipulation. A man dressed with taste and according to all the rules of modern fashion inspires confidence, doesn’t it? Is it because you don’t often meet a man who meets all the rules of impeccable appearance.
This method of manipulation is based on women's attention to neat, well-dressed men. A man's impeccable appearance automatically increases a woman's level of trust in him.
Women try to judge men by themselves: since he is decently and neatly dressed, that means he is worthy of respect. Although, you must admit, in practice the rule “a neat appearance means decency” does not always work.
If a man is dressed according to all the rules and canons, then this may rather indicate his pedantry. There is a possibility that an impeccable appearance is a way of manipulating women’s consciousness.
Of course, experienced manipulators use the ability to dress well as part of the manipulation as a whole, adding to this a gallant demeanor, the art of persuasion and other manipulative techniques. A manipulator who knows how to dress well is already half close to victory. He hasn’t said or done anything yet, and on a subconscious level you are already beginning to trust him.
When communicating with men of impeccable appearance, it would be useful to check: good taste in clothes is part of self-expression or the first successful attack to gain your trust.
Of course, you should not express distrust of all men with good taste. But you have the right to some degree of skepticism towards them. Be careful when dealing with prim and perfect men. See if this gorgeously dressed gentleman is trying to take advantage of the impression he made on you, or if he is simply flattered by your attention. Even if in the future this person only evokes your sympathy, do not rush to agree to fulfill his request or wish. Be prepared to refuse. Perhaps your sympathy is caused by a whole complex of manipulative techniques and you are under the influence of the false charm and charm of your interlocutor.
Rule No. 49
How to resist a manipulator with good manners?
A man who is familiar with the rules of good manners conquers immediately. He opened the door for you and let you pass ahead, offered his hand at the exit from public transport, or, ahead of you, gallantly opened the door of his own car for you. Do not rush to exclaim: “There are still more gentlemen in this world!” It is possible that your gallant gentleman uses his tact for manipulative purposes.
Of course, it is stupid to accuse every man of any gallantry of trying to manipulate you. Such signs of attention are a completely normal manifestation of respect from a man to a woman. But if your companion is overly helpful and polite, if he shows signs of attention with obsessive persistence and a desire to please you, then, most likely, his gallantry is just a way to manipulate you.
It is quite obvious what this method of manipulation is based on. Representatives of the fair sex receive enormous pleasure from the attention they receive from others. In essence, etiquette norms are an opportunity to express respect to your interlocutor. But it happens differently: some men use knowledge of the rules of good manners in order to gain your favor. The second option, unfortunately, is much more common. The manipulator expects that under the influence of his spell you will lose your vigilance and will readily fulfill any request.
How to resist such manipulations? If you are sure that your companion is manipulating you, you can not notice his attention: enter the building without waiting for the door to be opened for you. Pretend that you did not notice the hand offered to you, refuse the offer to help you carry your bag, unless, of course, it is too heavy. Thus, by rejecting the advances of your companion, you disarm him, he loses the opportunity to impress you and take advantage of it.
You need to use such tactics of confrontation only when you really want to know that his gallantry is nothing more than a way of manipulation. Otherwise, your ignoring signs of attention will be regarded as a sign of disrespect for your interlocutor. Be careful.
Conclusion
Summing up our conversation about manipulation, we would like to once again dwell on the arguments in defense of this method of management. It is still believed that this is not a completely honest way to achieve their goals, that it is used only by those people who are unable to achieve their goals with the help of their own Italian mind. But it happens that manipulation is simply necessary, since it is the only possible way to achieve a goal.
For men, there is nothing more terrible than being henpecked by his wife, and therefore, if a woman tries to control him, give advice or demand fulfillment of her desires, this is usually perceived negatively. This is why women have to resort to manipulation.
While defending manipulation as a way to control representatives of the stronger sex, we still want to warn you against using these methods of influence too often. Use manipulative techniques in cases where you feel that other methods will not help. Leave the man the right to his own opinion, you don’t want to turn strong personality into a weak person dependent on you, a zombie man, ready to fulfill all your demands.
In addition, always remember that manipulation is different. There are types of manipulation that do not contain malicious intent and therefore cannot negatively affect the psyche of a person close to you. This, for example, is the use of one’s own attractiveness and the method of frequent praise. But there are methods, the abuse of which can cause harm - this is blackmail, a deliberate lie. Such methods can be used only as a last resort and only if you are sure that their use will not ruin your relationship.
In order to achieve the desired result, we all use manipulative techniques to one degree or another. Sometimes we just don’t realize it ourselves. For some, the ability to indirectly control the behavior of another person is given by nature.
Others take a long time to learn this. As for the leader, he simply needs to know how to influence his subordinates. Otherwise there will be no coherent team and good result, there will be a violation of subordination.
However, not all workers want to remain in this game only in the role of a controlled one. People with good analytical skills and developed intelligence and cunning can easily manipulate their boss.
Moreover, they can do this so masterfully that the boss will not suspect anything. If you manage a department or even an entire organization, you need your employees to follow your decisions and respect you. Therefore, you should not become a victim of manipulators. So let's figure out how subordinates can influence their leader. Maybe someone is already manipulating you?
How can subordinates manipulate you?
It would seem that you are the leader, and you should have more leverage over your subordinates. Yes, that's all true. But only an experienced manipulator will bypass the established hierarchy and act on the sly, playing on your feelings and weaknesses. And weaknesses, no matter how you hide them, will still make themselves felt, and selfish subordinates can take advantage of this. Let's sort it out specific situations.
1. Elimination of a competitor. Let's say one of your subordinates has been sitting in one place for too long and is eager for promotion. But here’s the problem: you have another person in mind. What will the manipulator do in this case? Will try to discredit a colleague in your eyes. Most often, compromising information will be submitted in the form of complaints and comments about the work of a particular employee.
Do not rush to follow the principle of “the informer gets the first whip”; perhaps they are trying to convey to you problems that really exist. Therefore, pretending that you didn’t hear anything is simply stupid. But, at the same time, treat with great caution the visits of a subordinate who every now and then comes to complain about a colleague with the words “This is some kind of nightmare!”, “It’s impossible to work,” and so on.
Especially if these visits have recently become very frequent and are accompanied by very emotional comments. Often, escalation of the situation occurs out of nowhere, and the snitch is simply trying to create in you the impression of panic and confusion in order to quickly remove the unwanted colleague.
Often, a person who wants to turn the situation in his favor seeks to educate the manager into the situation as early as possible, before he has the opportunity to familiarize himself with other versions of what happened. Therefore, if such processes are observed, try to obtain information from other sources.
At the same time, it is advisable to listen to the opinions of those who are not bosom friends of your voluntary informant. After all, if you want to persuade your colleagues, this is a trifle for a manipulator.
3. They are “digging” under you. You are a leader, and, naturally, among your subordinates there may well be people who are envious of your dominant position in the team. Therefore, first of all, be careful in your words and actions. They may collect incriminating evidence against you. Of course, it is desirable that you be pure and innocent, like the lamb of God.
But if this is not the case, do not talk about it and try to control yourself. After all, compromising information is an excellent tool in the hands of a manipulator. As a leader, you must be an unquestioned authority for the entire team. Both your professional and personal qualities are important. Therefore, if you allow an intriguer to spoil your image, in the future you will see that relations with subordinates have become worse, they do not trust you.
Naturally, a feeling of alienation and tension will not increase efficiency. working together team. However, perhaps the manipulator has no goal of making your sins public. Small concessions and benefits in exchange for silence will be quite useful to him. But there are also those who are more determined and militant. In this case, the manipulator will pass on the information received to other employees in order to create a coalition against you. He may be very interested in your position.
4. Gain trust. Take a closer look: are there any people among your subordinates who are persistently trying to become your friends? Or perhaps one of them is your former classmate, acquaintance or old friend? If so, then beware. There is a chance that your friend will try to take advantage of his personal acquaintance with you.
For example, he will come in and in a friendly way begin to tell you how difficult it is for him to come to work so early: after all, he still has to take the children to kindergarten and stand in traffic jams. Or he will talk about how hard it is for him to support his family. No salary is enough. If such things happen all the time, you should know that they are trying to play on your friendly feelings. Your subordinate friend clearly intends to get more profitable terms work or salary increase.
By the way, this behavior is typical both for those who are your good friends and for those people with whom you have a very casual acquaintance. Perhaps unconsciously, but almost everyone has a desire to take advantage of the fact that they are on friendly terms with their boss. It’s just that decency stops someone, and someone, without any thought about the moral side of the issue, intends to make the best of the situation maximum benefit.
A way out of the situation may be to talk with a person. It is necessary to explain to him that at work he is, first of all, your subordinate, and not your friend. Therefore, there will be no benefits or privileges. If manifestations of friendship at work do not stop, try to agree on transferring the employee to another person. Just think about one thing: is it necessary to continue communicating with a person who is trying to take advantage of your personal affection for official purposes?
5. Flirting at work. In this case, the manipulator has the same goal as the friend-subordinate from the previous paragraph. He is trying to form a personal sympathy with you, thanks to which he plans to control your behavior. Therefore, it is best to keep your distance when in the company of employees. You probably already have enough problems in your life. So why confuse work and personal life into one ball?
If your indifference and coldness do not convince the manipulator of your inaccessibility, and an employee of the opposite sex still unambiguously shows you signs of attention, immediately dot all the i’s. Talk to your subordinate or subordinate. Explain that it will not be possible to make a career “through bed”.
If you still cannot resist the temptation, get ready: now they will try to twirl you like a puppet. In addition, sooner or later they will find out about your “hazing” relationship, and then your clean reputation will be over.
6. Flattery and cajoling. They started giving you gifts out of the blue? This is a reason to be wary. Most likely, they are trying to evoke sympathy and a feeling of gratitude in you, which can then be used for their own purposes. In order not to feel obligated, it is better not to accept gifts that are presented to you for no particular reason. Naturally, collective congratulations or gifts for birthdays and other well-known holidays do not fall into this category.
7. The employee tries to “bargain” with you. This is a very common method of manipulation. At the same time, the employee begins to set conditions for the boss under which he will take on this or that job, citing unfavorable conditions and a lack of resources that may prevent him from completing his task.
A newcomer clearly cannot behave in this way, because it is important for him to earn authority and a good reputation, and also simply to remain in his position. So, most likely, the person who will “bargain” with you will be the person who has been in the company for a long time and who is entrusted with great responsibility. Having spent a lot of effort and time on the development of the company, he feels the right to express his complaints.
In some cases, it is really worth listening to the words of an experienced and knowledgeable person and weigh them properly. Perhaps, indeed, he points out objective shortcomings of the work process and suggests improving the situation. But it happens that the “old-timer” of the company simply puts pressure on the boss with his authority. He may have two motives.
The first is the desire to acquire privileges, taking advantage of one’s exceptional position and indispensability. The second is the realization of one’s own ambitions, the desire to lead, to intervene in the work process. Most often, the manipulator tries to influence your decision with his whims. Often an employee makes the following threats: “I’ll quit, and see what happens...”, “Yes, without me everything will fall apart here,” “Where else will you find someone like me?”
In this case, analyze: is the employee really that irreplaceable? Will the company really be in trouble without him? Is it really impossible to delegate his responsibilities to other employees? If you answered “no,” then it makes sense to think about breaking up with the blackmailer.
8. Constant mention of the former boss. Have you noticed that recently your employees very often in your presence began to remember the “old times” when they were led by your predecessor? At the same time, employees talk about how he would act in a given situation, how he would negotiate or how he would conduct personnel policy? Know that they are trying to manipulate you.
The feeling of being compared to someone can sometimes be unbearable, especially when the comparison is not in your favor. With their remarks, employees try to influence your decisions, pointing out their desired course of events. Do not give in to provocations, do not follow the path outlined by other people. Develop your own leadership style. Over time, workers will have to come to terms with this.
How to stop the manipulator?
In response to attempts to control you, you can take some measures. First, you should think about how you will behave with the manipulator.
If you know that you are going to have a conversation with this employee, try to predict how the conversation will go, what arguments the person might give. Try to prepare answers to possible objections.
Before the meeting, map out a conversation plan in advance. At the same time, include items that you can refuse. But at the same time, there must be positions that you will not give up under any circumstances. - Before a difficult conversation, try to put aside your emotions. After all, an overly violent reaction can negatively affect the outcome of the meeting.
Deceive the manipulator's expectations. Don't react to his techniques, smooth it out sharp corners. When the employee realizes that his tricks are not working, he will change tactics or completely abandon his intentions to manipulate you.
If your interlocutor is pushing you into a corner, forcing you to make difficult choices, it is important to avoid a direct answer. Take time to think, collect all the necessary information, analyze all the arguments and counterarguments and make an informed decision.
Does the manipulator never give up trying to influence you? Then a harsh rebuff can have a sobering effect on him.
If you decide to find out what exactly an employee is trying to achieve by trying to influence you, play along with him, pretend that you have succumbed to his tricks. Continue the conversation until you understand the manipulator's intentions.
Manipulate back. Perhaps you will be able to put the presumptuous subordinate in his place.
Open up to the manipulator. Say that you have “seen through” him and are not going to comply with his demands. This will bring him down to earth and wean him from future attempts to intrigue.
More about the nature and types of manipulations:
The ability to recognize and stop manipulation will allow you to become an authoritative leader who does not follow the lead of the team and accepts responsibility. independent decisions. Just don't become paranoid. Manic suspicion will not make you more popular with your employees.
The bosses, in their desire to achieve maximum level subordination of workers and force them to perform as much as possible larger volume work, resort to a number of tricks. Let's try to figure out how our managers and superiors manipulate us with their subordinates.
COMPLIMENTS AND PRAISE
Firstly, subordinates are very much motivated by compliments of our intelligence, success, and experience. An experienced boss knows that a compliment and praise to an employee for a job well done can even replace the latter's next salary increase. Evoking the love of subordinates and influencing their positive emotions is one of the methods of manipulating bosses.
INSPIRATION OF FEAR AND NEGATIVE EMOTIONS
In contrast to the “carrot”, managers also have a “stick” in their arsenal. In other words, in addition to love, fear and other negative emotions can be awakened in subordinates. For example, by casually telling a careless employee: “Lately there have been a lot of resumes coming in for your position,” you can arouse in him the fear of losing his job and force him to improve his work performance. This, of course, is just one example of how to arouse fear in subordinates; there are many ways to have such an impact.
AWAKENING UNCERTAINTY IN STRENGTH
Another way of manipulation is to awaken in employees self-doubt. The use of abstruse, obscure words in the speech of superiors, belittling the abilities of employees, the constant desire to “put them in their place” and much more. The principle of exerting such influence on the part of managers is most accurately reflected by the old proverb: “I am the boss, you are the fool.” Subordinates of such bosses “grow” with various complexes and begin to consider themselves unable to take even the smallest step without the instructions of their leader.
IMPOSING A FEELING OF GUILT
In addition to feelings of insecurity, experienced manipulative bosses are also able to influence feelings of guilt. By making comments for lateness, mistakes, and infractions and constantly reminding a subordinate about them, you can awaken a feeling of guilt in him and force him to work more for less money.
CHALLENGE OF PITY
Arousing pity is another way of manipulation. Above most bosses there are even higher managers. If your boss constantly complains that he is given unrealistic deadlines, scolded, and goes out of his way to “cover” for his employees at meetings, know that you may be being manipulated, trying to evoke pity and sympathy so that you do more work.
In conclusion, I would like to say that the entire social structure is built on the principle of “manager-subordinate” and it is impossible to do without leaders completely. Take the fact that you are being controlled and manipulated philosophically, because as one of the sages said: “You can learn to manage well only by learning to obey well.” If you think that your boss is too zealous in his desire to get you to do more work for less money, behave like a human being: do not fawn, do not suck up or whine. Act not like a child, but like an adult and a person. Don’t be afraid to openly and calmly express your point of view if you think that you are being humiliated and, believe me, such behavior usually only evokes respect from others.
How to manage your boss
First of all, any effective leader tries to make the most productive use of the strengths of his own boss.
I have yet to meet a manager, whether in business, government, or any other field, who did not say, “I manage my people with ease. But how can I manage my boss?” Generally speaking, this is very simple, but only successful managers know this. The secret is that such leaders make their boss's strongest qualities productive.
It's a matter of basic prudence. Contrary to popular belief, subordinates generally do not climb the career ladder by stepping over the prostrate bodies of incompetent bosses. If the boss doesn't move forward, their growth will likely stop as well. A manager fired due to incompetence is unlikely to be replaced by a brilliant young employee from the same team. Usually the manager is appointed from outside, and he brings with him brilliant young specialists. Therefore, to achieve success, there is nothing better than rapid career growth as a boss.
In addition, the productivity of the boss is the key to the effective work of the subordinate. This allows him to orient his own contribution so that it is noticed and recognized “at the top” and used. This approach also allows the subordinate to achieve the goals set for him.
You can't make your boss's strengths productive by kowtowing to him. First, it is necessary to determine the directions and present them in a form acceptable to the manager.
An effective leader recognizes that his boss is also a person (even smart young subordinates often find this difficult). And if so, it means that along with strengths, he also has weaknesses. The emphasis on his strengths, on creating suitable conditions for the actions of which he is capable, makes the work of both himself and his subordinate effective. Attempts to start from the shortcomings of the boss hinder the development of the organization no less than attempts to start from the weaknesses of the subordinate. Based on this rule, an effective leader asks: “What is my boss able to do really well? What does he do very well? What should he know to use his strengths? What should I do to make it work effectively? And the subordinate should not be interested in what the boss is not capable of.
Subordinates usually want to “remake” their boss. An able civil servant in high office is apt to view himself as a mentor to the newly appointed political leader of his institution. He tries to help the new boss overcome his limitations. And an effective leader will try to determine what the strength of the new boss is. If, for example, it turns out that he has good connections with Congress and the White House and is able to establish useful relationships with the local community, then the manager will strive to ensure that his boss uses these particular strengths productively. Indeed, it is not enough to be able to lead and make the necessary decisions; it is necessary to skillfully present and present the relevant results. Once a political leader (a minister, for example) knows that his subordinate supports him, he will begin to listen to his recommendations on strategic and managerial issues.
An effective leader also knows that the boss, as a person, develops his own ways to improve work efficiency and studies those ways. Perhaps these are just the boss’s manners and habits, but these details are also very important.
I think everyone who has ever more or less carefully looked at those around them has realized that they are divided into “readers” and “listeners.” The exception is a small group of people who receive information in the process of communication and observing the reactions of their interlocutors using a kind of psychological radar. Such people included, for example, US Presidents Franklin Roosevelt and Lyndon Johnson, as well as Winston Churchill. The exception, as a rule, is those who, by virtue of their duties, are both “readers” and “listeners,” for example, lawyers appearing in the court of first instance. A serious conversation with the “reader” most often turns out to be a waste of time. Such a person is able to listen only after reading the necessary information. Likewise, presenting a lengthy written report to the “listener” may be unhelpful. He is able to comprehend the meaning of what is happening only through a spoken word.
Some people need to summarize their findings on paper. (For President Eisenhower it was a necessary condition when moving to active actions.) Others need to follow the train of thought of the person making the recommendations, so they need a full presentation to understand the essence of the issue. Some bosses demand sixty pages of information expressed in numbers. Some want to be aware of the issue from the very beginning in order to ultimately make a decision. Others don’t even want to hear anything about the matter until it is “ripe,” etc.
You need to learn to identify your boss's strengths and make them productive. We must ask ourselves the question not “what?”, but “how?”. In this process, we are interested in the order in which the relevant various parts question, not what is important and right. If the boss's strength is political ability in a position where politics is of decisive importance, the first step should be to familiarize him with this aspect of the situation. This will allow him to understand what we're talking about, and effectively use its strengths taking into account the new policy direction.
We are all “experts” in assessing others and see them much more accurately and clearly than they see themselves. Therefore, making your boss work effectively is not at all difficult; it requires focusing on his strengths and what he is capable of. That is, you should use your strengths and ignore your weaknesses. This is one of the fundamental prerequisites for effective work as a leader - focusing on the strengths of your boss.
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