Something about the spiritual causes of divorce
Why do families break up? Who is to blame for the fact that the husband and wife suddenly become uneasy? How to save a marriage if it has cracked, and how to prevent cooling in the relationship? We decided to talk about a spiritual view of this problem with a young priest, cleric of the Saratov Church of the Supreme Apostles Peter and Paul, Vladimir Sukhikh.
Father Vladimir and Mother Tatyana have been together for five years. They have a very warm family and three wonderful children. Despite this, from interviews on family theme Father initially refused, citing lack of wisdom life experience. But under the pressure of arguments - a short period of family life suggests that the couple had not yet forgotten the difficulties of the first years of marriage - I was forced to agree.
As a result, we ended up having a whole series of conversations. The first is about why people get married and why they get divorced.
– Father Vladimir, 80 percent of marriages in our country break up, and this trend cannot but upset. Why does it happen that people who once seemed to love each other and were close suddenly become complete strangers?
– Unfortunately, most modern people get married without having a proper understanding of its purpose. They often get married, experiencing only physical attraction to each other.
This in itself is not bad. Saint John Chrysostom even said on this occasion that if God had not put in us this craving for opposite sex, no one would ever marry knowing its hardships. But the problem is different: people stop, so to speak, only on the physical level.
On Greek carnal love is designated as eros - sensual, physical love. This is the trigger that makes people interested in each other. Such love-passion can be very strong, but over time it weakens and therefore cannot serve as a reliable foundation for marriage. If nothing but intimacy binds a couple, such a marriage quickly breaks up.
Sometimes people who are more educated, more educated, and more developed choose a life partner based on the principle of spiritual similarity. I’m interested in this person, we understand each other well, we have common views. In Greek, this feeling is designated as philia, that is, love-friendship. Relationships based on such a feeling can be long and quite happy if people have enough worldly wisdom and condescension towards each other’s weaknesses. But this type of love is also imperfect from the Christian point of view.
There is a third type of love - spiritual love, agape. This is a very special feeling that only those who live in Christ can experience.
– How is this love expressed?
– A person feels love not only for his loved ones, relatives, friends, but also for all humanity. This experience is familiar to people who have experienced the Communion of the Body and Blood of Christ. Together with the Body of Christ, Christians accept Christ’s love into their being, and a person feels not only peace, tranquility, harmony, fullness of being, but also love for those people for whom, perhaps five minutes ago, he had no good feelings at all . This is love that is equal to everyone. It is not damaged by insults, grief, or disappointment. This is the love with which Christ loves each of us. In Greek, agape, love-worship, expresses a person's relationship with God, so Christians are people who are in perfect love. Some are a moment, some are a minute, some are an hour, a day or several days. And the goal of life is through fulfilling the commandments to become capable, not temporarily, but constantly, of being in such love. And marriage gives a person the potential opportunity to acquire such love.
Echo of Paradise
– Why marriage?
- Because God intended it that way. Nowadays, representatives of non-traditional minorities often claim that marriage as a social institution is outdated. So, marriage is, in principle, a non-human institution. Marriage is an institution created by God. This is the most ancient sacrament, existing even before Christianity. Adam and Eve carried him out of paradise. All nations had marriage traditions, when a man and a woman, who had not previously known each other, through a ritual became something new, and not in a social, but a mystical sense.
– What new are they becoming?
– The answer to this question is given by the Apostle Paul when he says that the union of a man and a woman is a union similar to the union of Christ and the Church (Ephesians, chapter 5). This is a very important thesis, without understanding which it is impossible to penetrate into the very essence of true family relationships. The Apostle says that in marriage between a man and a woman, that deep unity that exists between the human soul and Christ, between the Church as a union of believers and Christ is possible. But this unity is possible for a person even outside the framework of the Church. This is why the Church respects every legal marriage, even an unmarried one, because any legal marriage has already been blessed by God.
- Why then a wedding?
– Because in marriage there are many difficulties, many difficulties. It is normal for a Christian to pray and ask for God’s blessing before doing anything. We pray before we eat; before we get into the car; before starting any important event. Moreover, it is necessary to take God’s blessing before starting such an important matter as starting a family or having children.
– How is this blessing expressed? What gifts does a person receive?
– In the sacrament of wedding, a person receives the potential opportunity to realize in marriage that special spiritual love to which every Christian is called. There is a saying: “Whoever doesn’t have love gets married or gets married. And whoever has love becomes a monk.” Marriage is a school of love. First we learn to love our wife or husband, then we learn to love our children, then our mother-in-law or mother-in-law and other relatives of our other half. In a real marriage, love begins, grows, and gradually spreads to more and more people.
– Someone may say: “This is too global, I don’t need so much love, I should learn to love each other within my small family.”
– St. John Chrysostom has an interesting reasoning regarding the establishment of why one cannot marry relatives. He explains it this way: so as not to limit love. You love your family anyway. And the Lord wants to connect you with another family so that the circle of love expands.
Probably, not everyone will understand the desire for all-encompassing love if we fail to love even our closest ones. But when the Lord explained to his disciples how a Christian differs from other people, he repeatedly emphasized the idea that for a Christian, with the help of God, something more is possible than to an ordinary person that it is possible and necessary for him to love even his enemies.
Why should a wife be afraid of her husband?
– But if God pleases marriage relationships even without a wedding, why is everything so difficult? Where do quarrels, misunderstandings, disagreements come from?
– Everyone experiences difficulties in marriage: those who are far from the Christian perception of the world, and believers, married spouses. But the former, not understanding the true purpose of marriage, do not know how to withstand these tests. When registering a relationship, they are aimed at receiving rather than giving in marriage, that is, their attitudes are selfish.
For example, a man is tired of cooking and doing his own laundry, and he gets married, expecting his wife to be his housekeeper. A woman can get married to gain financial security.
In any case, such unions are based on the expectation that the other will satisfy my needs, and not that I will try to satisfy his interests and make his life easier. People are driven by the desire to receive something. At the same time, none of them thinks about what I can give to my other half.
Having married a person, and not an angel, we are faced with his selfishness. A selfish person has no intention of serving another. He believes that everyone owes him this. And when both are aimed at obtaining benefits, when both do not want to sacrifice their interests, time, money, mental strength, then conflicts inevitably arise. Unfulfilled expectations give rise to disappointments, disappointments lead to complaints, complaints lead to quarrels.
– Is everything different in Christian families?
– Ideally, yes. Each spouse tries to think: “What should I do to make my loved one feel good?” Each is determined to give the other everything they can.
The Apostle Paul compares Christian marriage to the relationship between Christ and the Church. He says: “Let the wife fear her husband, as the Church fears Christ.”
In what sense does the Church fear Christ? It’s not that she’s afraid of punishment for her wrongdoing. The Church and, consequently, every believer fear Christ in the sense that they are afraid to upset Him and offend Him. The Christian's greatest fear is to destroy good relations that he has with God. This is the sense in which a wife should fear her husband.
The Apostle says: “Let the wife be submissive to her husband in everything. But let the husband love his wife as Christ loved his Church.” How did Christ love the Church? He loved her to the point of crucifixion, to the absolute, maximum possible sacrifice for a person - the sacrifice of his life. This means: a man who gets married must completely devote his life to his family. To serve her in the highest sense of the word.
How else does Christ love the Church? Great patience. He forgives us a lot and is forgiving of our weaknesses. Does not leave us even when we leave Him. He expects us to return to Him through repentance.
Ideally, the relationship between husband and wife is exactly like this. She is submissive to him in everything and is ready to sacrifice everything for him. But he is ready to sacrifice even more.
When we think about the meaning of the apostolic teaching, we see that the hierarchy that God established for the family (the husband is the head, the wife is subordinate) is not at all a soulless administrative relationship, it is a relationship based on sacrifice. If a marriage is built on Christian values, it is doomed to be happy.
There is a well-known expression: “Lovers look at each other, but lovers look in one direction - at Christ.” In the sense that they imitate Him and are guided in life by Christian principles. And from here everything else follows: the need for humility, endless patience, forgiveness.
Love Formula
– When my wife and I were getting ready to get married, I suggested: let’s make engravings on our rings so that in the future, looking at these inscriptions, we could draw strength from them to overcome difficulties. We went through several passages from the Gospel and the Epistles of the Apostles, which talk about love, about family, and settled on the First Epistle of the Apostle Paul to the Corinthians, in which he defines love: “Love is patient, kind, love does not envy, love does not boast, is proud, does not act outrageously, does not seek his own, is not irritated, does not think evil, does not rejoice in untruth, but rejoices with the truth; covers all things, believes all things, hopes all things, endures all things.”
The wife wrote on her ring: “Love never fails.” It is endless and does not die even with the end of a person’s life.
On my ring I wrote the first thing the apostle began with: “Love is patient.” Love begins with patience, and love not only endures, but endures for a long time.
How long? How much will it take?
And I think that 90 percent of problems in marriage (I say this in own experience and the experience of people who come to confession) occur due to the fact that people do not want to endure or do not set such a goal. We don’t see our own shortcomings, but we are so intolerant of the mistakes of our neighbors.
– It’s hard to disagree with this. I liked the advice of one old man: “Imagine that you have to live with your clone, with a person who is completely similar to you in appearance, character, habits. How will it be for you? I imagined it and was horrified. “And your loved ones,” the elder continued, “have to live with you.” After this, my family seems almost like saints to me.
– Yes, we all lack a critical look at ourselves and patience. And only Christianity teaches this. Christ did not advise increasing your self-esteem; he taught to see the beam in your own eye and not notice the speck in someone else’s. He also taught to forgive offenders. If we are told something unpleasant at work, we, as a rule, can control ourselves and endure it. We may be offended in our hearts, but we won’t show it outwardly.
In the family, we do not consider it necessary to restrain ourselves. Same close person, and I can be with him as I really am. We explode at any criticism. We release the brakes, remove all anchors and pour out on the person all the negativity that overwhelms us. On this occasion, I remember the blessing of Father Paisius the Svyatogorets to one couple who were getting married. He wrote to them: “May Christ be with you and Holy Mother of God. Demetrius, I give you the blessing to quarrel with the whole world, except Mary! And Mary has the same blessing: to quarrel with everyone, but not with you.” This is, of course, a metaphor, but it gets the point across. good relations married. Negativity should be left at home.
In the next conversation, Father Vladimir will talk about how to learn patience and love, and also about whether domostroy is as terrible as they think it is modern people.
Newspaper "Saratov Panorama" No. 40 (917)
- Holy fathers and devotees of piety on family and marriage.Holy Fathers on family and marriage
Saint John Chrysostom
In marriage, one must sacrifice everything and endure everything in order to preserve mutual love; if it is lost, everything is lost.
This is the strength of life for all of us, so that the wife is of one mind with her husband; this supports everything in the world.
Love is a strong wall, impregnable not only for people, but also for the devil.
A mother, giving birth to a child, gives the world a man, and then she must give heaven an angel in him.
Nothing preserves love better than by forgiving the wrongs of those who are guilty before us.
Let us instruct our children so that they prefer virtue to everything else, and consider the abundance of wealth as nothing.
The corruption of children comes from nothing other than [parents’] insane attachment to the things of life.
Even if everything in our everyday life was well-ordered, we will be subjected to extreme punishment if we do not care about the salvation of our children.
Are you not causing yourself grief through the uncontrollability of your son? You had to carefully curb him, accustom him to order, to accurately perform his duties, and heal the illnesses of his soul when he was still young and when it was much easier to do this.
If there is unanimity, peace and a union of love between a husband and wife, all good things flow to them. And evil slander is not dangerous for spouses who are protected as great wall, unanimity in God.
If everyone does their duty, then everything will be strong; Seeing herself loved, the wife is friendly, and when she meets obedience, the husband is meek.
Do not deviate from each other except by consent(1 Cor. 7:5). What does it mean? A wife should not abstain against the will of her husband, and a husband should not abstain against the will of his wife. Why? Because great evil comes from such abstinence; This often resulted in adultery, fornication and discord in family life. The apostle said well: Don't shy away. Many wives do this, committing a great sin against justice and thereby giving their husbands a reason for debauchery and leading everything into disorder.
He who is negligent towards his children, even though he is decent in other respects, will suffer extreme punishment for this sin. Everything we have should be secondary in comparison to caring for children.
If anyone learns chastity, he will consider his wife the dearest of all, and will begin to look at her with great love and have great agreement with her, and with peace and harmony all good things will enter his house.
Such is the power of love: it is not delayed by distance, is not weakened by longevity, is not overcome by temptation; but, conquering all this, he becomes above everything and ascends to an unattainable height.
Hieromartyr Cyprian of Carthage
Take away patience from love, and it, as if ruined, will cease to exist.
Venerable Isaac the Syrian
Do not exchange love for your neighbor for love for some thing, because by loving your neighbor you acquire in yourself the One who is more precious than anything in the world.
Venerable Mark the Ascetic
It is impossible to be saved otherwise than through your neighbor, as the Lord commanded, saying: Forgive and you will be forgiven(Luke 6:37).
Venerable Neil of Sinai
Do not prefer anything to the love of your neighbor, except in those cases when because of it the love of God is despised.
Saint Basil the Great
Take care not to leave your children on earth, but to raise them to heaven; do not cleave to carnal marriage, but strive for spiritual; give birth to souls and raise children spiritually.
Rev. Gennady Kostroma
What happens between you in the family, do not take it out of your house among people, and if you see or hear something bad outside the house, do not bring it into your house.
Saint Tikhon of Zadonsk
Many parents teach their children foreign languages, others teach the arts, but neglect Christian teaching and upbringing: such parents give birth to children for temporary life, and do not allow them to eternal life. Woe to them, for it is not the bodies, but the souls of men that they kill with their negligence!
Children look more at the lives of their parents and reflect it in their young souls than listen to their words.
Saint Theophan the Recluse
You are a wife, you are a mother, you are a housewife. The duties in all these parts are depicted in the apostolic writings. Look through them and take it upon yourself to perform them. For it is doubtful that salvation could be achieved apart from the fulfillment of the duties that are imposed by rank and fortune.
There is no need to see that the child is small - from the first years one should begin to calm down the flesh, which is prone to coarse matter, and accustom the child to mastery over it, so that in adolescence, in youth, and after them, one can easily and freely cope with this need. The first starter is very expensive.
Marital love is love blessed by God.
Have a wife as a friend and with strong love force her to be submissive to you.
Venerable Anthony of Optina
Meekness and humility of heart are virtues without which it is impossible not only to inherit the Kingdom of Heaven, but also to be happy on earth or to feel peace of mind within oneself.
Venerable Ambrose of Optina
There is mercy and condescension towards others and forgiveness of their shortcomings. shortest way to salvation.
Idleness and failure to instill in children the fear of God are the cause of all evil and misfortune. Without instilling the fear of God, no matter what you do with your children, there will be no desired fruits in relation to good morals and a comfortable life. When the fear of God is instilled, every activity is good and useful.
Venerable Anatoly Optinsky the Younger
We are obliged to love everyone, but we do not dare demand that they love us.
Preserving family peace is God’s holy command. A husband should, according to the Apostle Paul, love his wife as himself; and the apostle compared his wife with the Church. That's how high marriage is!
Venerable Nectarius of Optina
Happiness in married life is given only to those who fulfill the commandments of God and treat marriage as a sacrament of the Christian Church.
Venerable Nikon of Optina
The affairs of those with whom we deal are inaccessible to us. different image life. For example, a mother with infants cannot go to church every day for all services and pray for a long time at home. This will result not only in embarrassment, but even sin if, for example, in the absence of a mother, a child without supervision cripples himself or does pranks when he grows up. She cannot completely renounce her property for the sake of personal achievement, for she is obliged to support and feed her children.
If you love someone, then you humble yourself before him. Where there is love, there is humility, and where there is anger, there is pride.
Holy Righteous John of Kronstadt
For each other, you should be an example of meekness and kindness, self-control, complacency, honesty and hard work, submission to God's will, patience and hope; help each other; Take care of each other, be forgiving to one another, covering each other’s weaknesses with love.
Be as sincere, kind and affectionate to your family as possible: then all troubles on their part will be destroyed by themselves, then you will overcome evil with good, if they have evil against you and express it.
Don’t be embittered by anything, conquer everything with love: all sorts of insults, whims, all kinds of family troubles. Know nothing but love. Always blame yourself sincerely, admitting that you are the culprit of the troubles.
If you live in mutual love, you will bring down God’s grace upon yourself and your descendants, and God will dwell in you and crown all your undertakings and deeds with blessed success, for where there is love, there is God, and where God is, there is all that is good.
Devotees of piety about the family
Hegumen Nikon (Vorobiev)
“Keep peace in the family at any cost!”
“Love is above everything, all feats...”
With all my conviction, with all the strength of my soul, with love, I beg you: humble yourself before Sergei, consider yourself guilty before him (even if you were right in something), ask for forgiveness for the whole past; then make a vow to God to do everything for the sake of peace and the salvation of both. You cannot be saved without Sergei, and he cannot be saved without you. The death of one will be the death of the other. You are married, you are one person. If your hand gets sick, you don’t cut it off, you treat it. You can’t cut Sergei off from yourself, just like he can’t cut you off. You must be saved together or die together.
I’ll say a few words about your condition, which you seem inclined to consider as belonging only to you, namely feelings of loneliness, abandonment, etc.
I have not met a single girl or single woman who did not suffer from this. This obviously lies in the nature of women. The Lord said to Eve after her fall: And your attraction to your husband(Genesis 3:16). This attraction (not only carnal, but also to a greater extent psychic, and sometimes exclusively psychic), obviously, and acts in all lonely people, refracted and embellished unconsciously in the most diverse way. Taken from the rib of Adam, it stretches into its place to create one whole man.
Love each other, have pity on everyone, maintain peace at any cost, let the cause suffer, but peace will remain!
You definitely need this time to be with your family, help them get settled, carry out all the tasks without complaining, show love to your family during this time. hard time. Love is above everything, all feats. Then, when everything is settled, you can think about yourself.
Love even for a person strives to express itself by doing something pleasant for the beloved, no matter what sacrifices it may cost. The stronger the love, the greater the desire to prove it, and selfless love can only be proven through sacrifice, and how true love has no limit, so does the thirst for sacrifice as a manifestation of love.
God is love(1 John 4:8); It is not said that God “has love”, but - is love, Divine Love, surpassing all human understanding. If human love sacrifices life for the sake of the beloved, then how does the omnipotent Lord, Who is not difficult to create entire worlds with one Word, Who is Love, how He, who so loved the sinful fallen man, will leave him without His Providence, without help in need, in sorrow, in danger?! This can never happen!
Passion [falling in love] does not see the shortcomings of another, which is why (and for many other reasons) it is called blind - friendship and love see everything, but cover up the shortcomings and help the friend get rid of them, overcome them, rise from step to step.
Schema-abbot Ioann (Alekseev), Elder of Valaam
“Fiery love without religion is very unreliable.”
“God forbid you leave your husband...”
I don’t advise you to dream about monastic life. The Lord leads you to eternal life worldly married life. Manage to live a family life for the sake of Christ, and the Lord, seeing your will, will help you to be saved in your family life - do not doubt this. The Monk Macarius the Great gives the example of two women who pleased God, who came to perfection in spiritual life, and were even higher than hermits. They had a desire to spend their lives in a monastery, but for some reason they had husbands. The Lord, seeing their will to please Him in the monastery, helped them to be saved in family life. At this time, life in monasteries is not what you imagine, and you, due to your inexperience in spiritual life, can only be tempted by monastic life.
Christ is among us!
It is good sometimes to remember your past sins, because from this humility is born, and when despair comes from the memories of past sins, then the enemy is clearly trying to disturb the soul. Don’t listen to him, calm down, don’t worry, don’t get discouraged, try to drive away such outrageous thoughts with prayer. The Holy Spirit speaks through the prophet Ezekiel: “If a sinner turns from his sins, his sins will not be remembered to him” (see Ezek. 33:11). The Lord does not want the sinner to die. So live for your family, be wise like a serpent, and meek like a dove, and keep silent about your inner life, so they won’t understand you. If your husband stumbles, be patient, don’t be embarrassed, but pray harder. Remember: you stumbled too.
Here's what I noticed: in old age, time flies faster, because you feel that everything is over, the time of transition to eternity is approaching; somehow all the interests disappeared. But open the minds of young people and you will see how their imagination plays: they will be happy, they will get a good groom, they will be rich, and family life will go well, and much more on this topic, these pictures will pass through their heads, and they will be left alone again.
It makes me happy that you have the desire for one thing that is needed. Try not to extinguish your spirit. The marriage union should not embarrass you, for it is blessed by God. However, try to bear each other’s burdens and thus fulfill the law of Christ. Make you wise, Lord! Of course, the world demands its own: work, troubles and worries, it cannot be otherwise.
When you arrived in New York, your husband looked for an Orthodox church, even stood through the entire Easter service; but now he has changed a lot, he doesn’t even want to take his son to church. Unfortunately for us, we can expect that he will not want you to go to church either. Although he is a good person, as you write, he has already changed under the influence of his family. And fiery love without religion is very unreliable. I feel sorry for you that you found yourself in such an environment. However, do not be discouraged and do not be faint-hearted, pray and hope for the help of God and the Queen of Heaven.
Christ is among us!
Here is my advice to you: refuse the request of the lady who asked you to talk to her husband. Let them figure it out themselves, you don’t know the reasons, and you don’t need to find out about family troubles. We, confessors, have to listen to stories about various family troubles, we, of course, are obliged, since we can also advise. You did well to advise her to pray, and pray yourself, but reject the request to talk to her husband and advise him on something again. Make you wise, Lord.
When we are subject to passions - I’m talking about conceit, vanity, anger, deceit and demonic pride - then under their influence we think that all people are guilty and bad. However, we do not have such a commandment to demand love and justice from others, but we ourselves are obliged to fulfill the commandment of love and to be fair...
Humanity has invented politeness instead of love, and under this politeness lies vanity, hypocrisy, deceit, anger and other spiritual passions. If you meet someone like that, he looks like a simple soul-man, and you won’t understand him right away. And since the foundation is not based on love, his inner state is very soon revealed, for such a person is dual: in words he says one way, but in deeds it is different.
And whoever has love at the root, such a person is no longer dual, for he has simplicity, frankness and naturalness. This trait occurs only in devotees of piety. There are people who naturally have such gifts, but they are recognized by their fruits. Vinegar and water have the same color, but the taste is different, because the larynx distinguishes food.
Don't despair, don't be discouraged, calm down. “Sin and misfortune have never happened to anyone,” says the Russian proverb. The Pharisees brought a woman taken in adultery to Christ and said to him: “Teacher, what do you command to do to her” (read in the Gospel of John 8: 3-11).
God forbid you leave your husband, be patient and pray, the Lord, in His mercy, will help you survive this trouble. Your husband is very humble, he cries and asks for forgiveness, you, according to the commandment of God, forgive him, and never reproach him, and do not remind him of this temptation. Enough shame and disgrace for him when I caught him at the crime scene, it’s very hard for him to bear, help him, Lord. Don’t make him sad, but try to show him a cheerful appearance, this will ease his mental torment. The Holy Apostle says: “Bear one another’s burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ” (see Gal. 6:2). If you do this, then your prayer will become purer. The Holy Fathers write: “Cover your neighbor’s sins, the Lord will cover yours too.” Of course, this happened to him while drunk...
I answer your questions in the second letter like this: try to be faithful to your husband, do not cheat on him and obey him in everything. Of course, excluding the requirements of the Orthodox faith. There is no need to talk about religious topics, and if he starts talking, answer what you know, but first mentally pray to God. Teach him not with words, but with virtue Christian life. Don't force him to go to church; if he wishes, that’s another matter; be content and grateful that you are not prevented from walking. Pray for him simply, like a child: “Save, Lord, and have mercy on my husband N., save and bring him to his senses.” And leave everything else to God’s mercy and be calm.
Pray for your husband, but don’t bother him and don’t tell him to be Orthodox: with your advice you can offend him and push him away from Orthodoxy; pray and submit to the will of God and leave everything else to God’s mercy.
Do not grieve or condemn him, because everyone has their own weaknesses and shortcomings. He, too, is not without weaknesses and not without shortcomings. So, learn from one another to bear burdens and thus fulfill the law of Christ.
Archimandrite John (Peasant)
“Happiness must be cultivated patiently and with much effort.”
“Children are living icons, work hard on them,
do not distort the image of God in them..."
... And you need to preserve your family with a wise and patient attitude towards your spouse. It’s just easy to say: “I’ll get a divorce!”
You don’t need to become someone other than the one your husband loved. You need to dress with taste, and comb your hair to suit your face, and everything else, because you are not a monastic.
And you and your spouse should have common interests, and do not confuse him with your ostentatious religiosity, but observe moderation in everything and take into account the spiritual illness that has befallen him. Pray for him secretly. In a word - maintain peace and love in the family, patiently forbearing with his mental weakness. Faith will come to him in response to your works and wise behavior with him in everything.
Whoever a person starts building with family life, he will go through periods of temptation. After all, there is no ready-made happiness... Happiness must also be cultivated patiently and with much effort on both sides.
Accept all the sorrows that you experience through your child as a cleansing punishment for your past, and learn to thank God for everything, consciously and responsibly accepting everything from the Hand of God.
Don’t leave children and their upbringing to chance, on TV and on the street. This is a sin, and a considerable one. Pray and influence their life choices as much as possible. Of course, not by violence, but by suggestion and awareness of the disastrousness of the modern consciousness imposed from the outside.
Children are living icons, work on them, do not distort the image of God in them with your inattention and neglect.
My husband doesn't want to have a child. When I start talking about children, my husband becomes silent, moves the conversation to another topic, and gets angry. I, in turn, cannot imagine how one could not want children. In addition, the doctors strongly recommend that I not delay my pregnancy, because I have certain “women’s problems”, and I am no longer young - 28 years old. They say that if I put off having a child any longer, I may not be able to become a mother at all. The husband knows about this, but still finds many reasons. We stopped understanding each other, so family relationships Lately leave much to be desired. I'm completely exhausted: I don't know what to do. Leave my husband (we are not married)? But I love him very much. Use a trick, get pregnant and present your spouse with a fait accompli? It will be difficult to do this, since the husband is very scrupulous in matters of contraception. But is it possible to do this? Do I have the right to deceive him in such matters? Or should I reconcile myself, not insist on anything, submit to my lot? Or maybe God, for some reason, does not give me a child with this person, thus protecting me from something?
Answered by Hieromonk Dorofey (Baranov), cleric of the Bishops' Church
For a person who believes in God, there is no doubt that the birth and raising of children in marriage is a blessing from God, a gift and happiness for a person on earth. A marriage without children (except for physiological reasons that prevent this) is incomplete and indicates a lack of love on the part of one of the spouses or both at once. It can also be said that only after the appearance of children does marriage become a full-fledged family. However, nothing can be a reason for destruction family union, even such a deep misunderstanding by your husband of the meaning marriage union. Apparently, he is a person far from faith and the Christian worldview. But, again, this cannot be a reason for divorce or deception.
The birth of children (or lack thereof) has become part of comfortable life modern man. The general line of reasoning is usually this: when the well-being of our lives reaches the level necessary for having a child, then we will be able to afford it (having a child). If we translate this into the language of meaning, we get the following: give me money, then I will stop stealing. But, in essence, birth control (everything is clear with abortion - this is murder) is nothing more than theft from God, resistance to His will and, ultimately, to the entire established world order. How can a person be happy in such a case?
If you are a believer, then try to humble yourself (as you rightly say), but not submit. It is necessary to humble yourself before God. And our submission to people should not extend to the area of faith in God. Try in confidential conversations with your husband to reach his heart, to awaken in him pity for you. And, of course, we must ask God in prayer for mercy on us - cruel to ourselves, and therefore deeply unhappy people.
Being a married couple, my husband and I want to have a child. However, despite my burning desire, I am afraid of motherhood. I am afraid that a sick child will be born, although I understand that everything happens according to the will of God... As a child, we made fun of a girl who, as it turned out, was sick... What should I do and how to pray in order to safely find a healthy child?
Indeed, everything happens in accordance with Divine Providence, not only “a hair of a man’s head cannot fall to the ground” without the will of God (Lk. 21 , 18), but in general nothing can happen to us unless the Lord allows it to happen. And here’s what you need to understand: you must not only believe in God, you must also believe in God, that is, trust Him. To believe that He loves us infinitely and that everything sent to us - be it joyful or sorrowful - is sent for our benefit, for our salvation, so that we can bring Him the greatest possible fruit for us, draw closer to Him, unite with Him .
Therefore, do not be afraid, do not let the enemy confuse you with this cowardly and lacking fear, trust in the One closer to whom you have no one and never will be. Read the akathist more often Mother of God- Intercessor and Patroness of all mothers, ask that your fear go away, so that through Her prayers the Lord will send you a healthy, full-fledged child in due time. And one more thing: be sure to examine your soul, test your conscience and cleanse it in the Sacrament of Repentance. Repent also of those childish ridicule of the sick girl that you remember now: after all, it is possible that that long-standing sin is making you worry so much today.
How to confess during pregnancy (are there any differences)? Do we need to confess that we used contraception? For my husband and I, abortion is unacceptable and refusal of birth control is impossible, since we cannot give birth to as many children as God wills, we simply cannot afford to feed them. Is this a sin?
Answered by priest Mikhail Vorobiev, rector of the temple
in honor of the Exaltation of the Honest Life-giving Cross of the Lord Volsk
Confession and communion during pregnancy should be the same as when you are in your normal state. True, when taking care of the spiritual and physical health of the unborn child, you should do this more often than usual. You should also read the Gospel and attend divine services more often. The church charter makes it easier and even abolishes fasting for pregnant women; You can establish a specific rule for preparing for Communion if you go to church and consult with the priest, so that in a personal conversation all your circumstances can be taken into account.
The Church considers birth control a sin. This is due to the fact that the purpose of marriage is to have and raise children. Refusing to have children under various plausible pretexts, but without giving up marital relations that bring joy, you are replacing the true essence of marriage with one of its secondary aspects.
The Church recognizes that in certain cases the birth of children is impossible or untimely. In this case, you should use the only form of birth control permitted by the Church - abstinence from marital relations.
What prayers help with conceiving a child, maybe some “services”? What do you recommend?
Answered by Hieromonk Dorofey (Baranov), cleric of the Bishops' Churchin honor of the icon of the Mother of God "Quiet my sorrows."
Most likely, it would be more correct to talk about which saints Christians usually resort to in their prayers to God for the gift of offspring.
The sacred story tells of several married couples, pious and righteous, but for a long time without children. These are Abraham and Sarah, Jacob and Rebecca, Zechariah and Elizabeth (parents of John the Baptist), Joachim and Anna (parents of the Mother of God), also the prophetess Anna, mother of the prophet Samuel. Of course, they prayed a lot for the birth of at least one only child. And in all these cases it was a test of faith. God heard the prayers addressed to Him, but delayed in fulfilling what was asked because of His Providence, incomprehensible to us, for each person and for the whole world. Such great examples of obedience and trust in God should strengthen those who desire to have children. We need to get acquainted with the lives of the listed saints and pray to them for help in giving offspring.
The ways of God are unsearchable (see: Rom. 11 , 33), but one thing can be said for sure: God wants every person to be saved. Therefore, when preparing to take on the care of a new person, who is from his parents in flesh and from God in spirit, we must strive to be worthy of this. The best preparation may be, first of all, to consecrate the family with the sacrament of Marriage. And, secondly, so that God’s blessing remains in the family, the sanctification of its members - husband and wife - through the sacraments of Confession and Communion, which, of course, is possible only in the Church.
This will be your “service”, active prayer. Not the conclusion of a “contract” with God: we are for You, and You are for us, but the beginning of a new life in communion with God, as the giver of all good. And ultimately, your desire to have children and strong family, should result in a desire for that righteousness that the Lord will never leave without His care (Ps. 36 , 25).
I've been married for 1 year. I really want a child, but, unfortunately, nothing is working out, I tried to see doctors, but they didn’t help me. I periodically visit church, go to confession, receive communion and unction. I talked to the priest, he said that I need to marry my husband, then there will be children. My husband doesn’t want to, I can’t force him. Tell me what prayers I should read so that God will hear me and be able to give me a child without a wedding.
Answered by Hegumen Nektary (Morozov), rector of the Bishop's Church
in honor of the icon of the Mother of God "Quiet my sorrows"
The birth, the coming of a person into the world is always a mystery, a miracle that the Lord performs time after time throughout earthly history. Why doesn’t the Lord send a child to you and right now? Surely there are reasons for this, and, of course, the point is not only that you live in an unmarried marriage, because we can see how the Lord gives children to people who do not believe at all, and not just one, but many. And at the same time, pious people sometimes have neither a son nor a daughter.
Yes, of course, you need to pray that the Lord will bless you with offspring. But we also need something even more important: to learn to trust God, to believe that we are not forgotten by Him, that everything that happens or does not happen to us is not accidental, that the Lord does everything for us out of His mercy and love. Only in this way can a person truly approach God. And in order to teach us trust and faith, the Lord allows us various tests, including those that were allowed to you.
Don’t be afraid, don’t be discouraged, don’t look for any “special” prayers, because there are none. The power of any prayer lies in the faith and sincerity of the person praying. And it is our life that “strengthens” and supports prayer or, conversely, makes it weak and helpless. In your letter there is such a very characteristic expression: “I regularly attend church.” And for church life, constancy is extremely important, a person must be immersed in this life, it must become his life, then he will see and perceive many things in a completely different way.
Try to truly understand and accept these simple words, well known to all Christians: “Seek first the Kingdom of God, and other things will be added to you” (cf. Lk. 12 , 31). If you personally have the determination to first of all seek this Kingdom, and then everything else, then the Lord will send you this rest. She will send the child and bring her husband to reason sooner or later. God only grant that this determination matures in you.
Is it possible happy marriage with a girl who previously had long-term sexual relationships with several guys? She has been a church person for several years now and has changed her life. I met her at the temple. I ask the question because everywhere on the Internet they write that such girls cannot have healthy children.
Answered by Hegumen Nektary (Morozov), rector of the Bishop's Church
in honor of the icon of the Mother of God "Quiet my sorrows"
It is difficult to find a person today who, before coming to the Church, would not have made certain mistakes in his life, sinned, or transgressed the Gospel law. However, the Lord is merciful and not only accepts us when we finally turn to Him, tired of wandering along the “crossroads of sin,” but He Himself in every possible way encourages us to this conversion. And the essence of repentance, which is inextricably linked with a person’s real, meaningful coming to the Church, is that God gives us the opportunity internal change, transformation, thanks to which the “old man” dies with his passions and vices and a new one is born.
The history of the Church is full of examples of how the most desperate sinners, seemingly doomed to become “prey of hell,” were transformed into the greatest saints by repentance. The Venerable Mary of Egypt, the Venerable Niphon of Cyprus, Moses Murin, Barbarian the Robber, Equal-to-the-Apostles Prince Vladimir - this list could be continued for a very long time. And if desperate fornicators and harlots, criminals and murderers, having repented, were able to become saints of God, then why can’t a girl who has not kept chastity in ignorance of her life according to God, thanks to the same repentance, change enough to become a good wife for someone?
Yes, any person depends largely on the skills he has acquired - good or bad. But grace heals the soul, straightens what is crooked. The main thing is that the appeal is sincere, genuine, so that there is no return to the former, abandoned and forgiven. And then, in the words of St. Andrew of Crete, “God can whiten and cleanse the leper’s life.”
Number of entries: 191
Hello! My husband and I got married last year on our wedding day. We made a mutual decision to be together when we were old. We cannot have a child together. When difficulties began to appear in the family regarding children, the husband began to move away. And now we live like strangers. In addition, he began to get involved in openly other people’s ex-women! I really want to save my family. The husband insists on a divorce, but does not want to get divorced. And I have the same one cherished dream- restore the family that was created in the first place. At that moment I was myself happy woman when we were friends with our children!!! I really miss that time. It seemed to me that we were the closest people and could endure all the hardships of life together. But it turned out that everything was wrong....I believe in the power of a praying wife. But there are times when you completely give up. My husband thinks I'm cheating on him. And he doesn’t believe in my sincerity towards him, and I, in turn, have practically stopped believing him. All in all, vicious circle. Does our family really have no future?! I will continue to try to save my family! How can you help me? or I act dishonestly towards my loved one and impose my company on him. His sincerity can be felt when he sleeps soundly. But in the morning he is so alien...
Oksana (Claudia)
Prayer is an important and useful thing. Or maybe you should live apart for three months to understand whether you need each other? There is a risk that the husband will leave. But “a slave is not a pilgrim.” Sometimes in life a lot is missed and you need to start with confession in church, with a “clean slate”, learn to live in the present, and not in the past.
Archpriest Maxim Khizhiy
Good evening! Thank you very much for your answer. Please tell me, is July 12, according to the Orthodox calendar, the Day of the Holy Apostles Peter and Paul, is it allowed to get married on this day? This is a church holiday. Thank you in advance for your answer! Will wait.
Love
Love, according to the statute, on the days of great holidays (which is the celebration of St. Apostles Peter and Paul), marriages do not take place, as well as on Saturdays. But I think it would be nice to register the marriage at the registry office on July 12, and perform the wedding sacrament on the 13th (Sunday).
Priest Vladimir Shlykov
Bless me, father. I do not know what to do. I fell in love with the man and waited for him for about 5 years, but never received a proposal. And now the heart sometimes remembers him. But you probably need to live on, loneliness and the inability to give care to your loved one still turns your days into suffering, no matter how busy you are with work, courses and other things. A young man appeared, we communicate, but somehow our hearts do not lie. And fear for the future, I can’t rely on him as a man ripe for marriage. He recently returned from the army, 24 years old, rents a house, has a job (icon painter) just to survive on his own. I see all this because I’m not in love. But I don’t know what to do, the person himself seems to be good, Orthodox, however, sometimes rude words slip through to other people who do not act very well. This is alarming. But you can’t start a family for the sake of a family? Without love, or will it come? Maybe this acquaintance was sent by God? And do you need to reconcile? But only more often do I remember the person I was waiting for, and involuntarily compare, even though a year has passed since the last meeting and parting. What should I do? I’ve been struggling for five years now, and I can’t find any way out. I pray, I go to church. Who else should I pray to? What to do?
Ksenia
Ksenia, dear! Why are you so depressed! You are still too young to treat your life this way. You shouldn’t marry a proto “good” person. You need to create a family with a loved one, someone close to you, who will also be your friend. Of course, there are no people without shortcomings. You ask the question: “Or maybe he was sent by God?” And I would ask you: “Would you like him to become the father of your children?” If the answer to this question is negative, then there is no point in discussing this topic even further.
Archpriest Maxim Khizhiy
Hello. Is sexual relations in marriage for pleasure a sin or not? Or is it just for the sake of conceiving children?
Andrey
Intimate relationships in marriage are a continuation of marital love. Without it, both conception and “pleasure” are a continuation of animal instincts.
Archpriest Maxim Khizhiy
Reading the questions here and talking to people in real life, you can’t help but wonder whether it’s worth getting married and trusting a person and loving with all your soul if he easily betrays you, while you were 150% confident in him? Maybe it’s better to gain some sense right away and not get married, not hope that you will never be betrayed or cheated on? But then why get married at all if you don’t believe in it? But to believe, there is every chance that you will get so burned that you will burn in hell on earth. Anyone who has experienced betrayal will understand what I'm talking about. So how should you treat your future spouse? To be a wife (husband) who is on her own mind?
Nina
You know, the Lord knew that Judas would betray Him... However, He did not reject Him. Vysotsky sang: “If you didn’t love, then you didn’t live.” You can't put straws everywhere. By the way, you reason strangely - “they will betray me, they will cheat on me.” What if you do this? Why don't you look at the problem like that? We must live, pray and remember that our hope is only in God - He is faithful, He will not betray, He will not change. But we, people, cannot rely on ourselves. But if God allows a fall or betrayal, then Christians perceive this as a school of salvation. Whoever knows how to survive this, forgive, pray for enemies, will be saved.
Archpriest Maxim Khizhiy
Hello, father! Is it possible to continue to trust a man if he severely humiliated and beat a woman? We lived with him in fornication for more than a year. He asks for everything back, cries, begs, loves very much, he says. After that, I ran to confession and swore to God that I would not be like that. I finished with fornication and said that we need to cleanse our hearts first and live according to the will and laws of God. I forgave him immediately. He agrees to go to church, to confession and communion, but he does not agree to live a full Christian life. I am now afraid that he will be able to use violence again when I later become his wife. I'm afraid to make the wrong decision, because his father always beat his mother. But at the same time, his words sound convincing. I'm completely at a loss, father. Servant of God Daria.
Zhanna
Dear Daria (Zhanna), no one but you can decide how to build a relationship with him. Do you want to follow Christ to salvation together with this particular person? Or does he not want to go down this path (I just didn’t understand the phrase “I don’t agree to live a full Christian life”)? Your fear is justified, and only you yourself can understand whether you are ready to take such a risk. May the Lord enlighten you and bless you!
Priest Sergius Osipov
Hello! My husband died, unfortunately, we were not married, we lived with him for 10 years, and we have two children, the marriage is legal. Are we husband and wife before the Lord? My husband was a believer and we were supposed to get married in the spring, but he died in December, in one second.
Lily
Lily, please accept my condolences! Of course, you are spouses before the Lord and the Church. The Church also recognizes civil registered marriage. Moreover, God values intentions as well as actions. Pray for the repose of your husband, this is a sign of your mutual love and a spiritual connection in Eternity.
Archpriest Maxim Khizhiy
Our son has been living in fornication for 5 years, so we decided to get married first and then get married in the future. But the bride does not want to take her son’s surname, although the surname is very decent, citing the fact that she has to change a lot of documents and that she wants to continue her surname. There are no children yet (although they are already 35 years old). All this is very confusing and upsetting, including for my son.
Nina
Dear Nina, children need to agree on such issues themselves. This is their life, it should be a joint decision. Your work now is to pray for them, this is your great work, which will strengthen them and the most important help that you can provide them. May God help your family!
Priest Sergius Osipov
Hello, bless! Twelve years ago I started going to Temple, living a church life, began to observe fasts, and go to services. My husband didn’t mind, at first he also went sometimes, but then he stopped, but he didn’t forbid me. At my request, we got married. And six months later, the husband left for another woman. The grief and sorrow that existed then cannot be expressed in words. You wouldn't wish that pain on your enemy. I lived alone for ten years, and two years ago I met a young man, he began going to church with me, became interested in faith, and began to travel to holy places together and read prayers. This year we signed at the registry office. We wanted to get married right away, but the priest we go to told us not to rush into it, he said that we must first strengthen ourselves spiritually, otherwise there will be attacks that we will not bear. Is this correct and is our marriage not fornication? And I am also tormented by the question: my husband cannot stand long fasts and sometimes asks me for intimacy, I do not refuse him, fearing a repeat of my first marriage, am I doing the right thing? Or is it my lack of faith? God bless you for your answer. God's help.
Catherine
Ekaterina, I think that your priest did the right thing by postponing the wedding. As for marital relations, you, according to the Apostle Paul, can limit intimate relationships only by mutual consent “for the sake of fasting and prayer.” By the way, how young is your chosen one? This must also be taken into account in life. And one more thing: it sounds very sad: “sometimes he asks me for intimacy”... Is it really impossible to just live in a marriage of mutual love?
Archpriest Maxim Khizhiy
Hello! Please tell me, can I and do I have the right to ask for a blessing in the church for a marriage that will take place on December 21, 2013? And how great will my sin be?
Marina
Marina, it’s not a sin to sign at the registry office at any time. It is a sin to celebrate a wedding, to have fun and set the table, to invite guests at a time when all Orthodox Christians are preparing themselves through fasting and prayer for the joyful holiday of the Nativity of Christ. I don’t understand what you mean by “marriage blessing.” If you want to ask for blessings and advice on whether to get married, you don’t need it, because you have already decided everything and set a wedding date. I would advise you to register your marriage in a modest atmosphere, and after Christmas and Christmastide come to the temple and agree on the wedding. This will be the church blessing of your marriage. Time your wedding celebrations to coincide with your wedding.
Priest Vladimir Shlykov
Hello! After death, do family ties continue (marriage), or then, in eternity, we will not know each other that we are spouses?
Anatoly
Hello, Anatoly. We will definitely meet everyone, and we won’t forget anything. Not a single detail. But family relations it won't be anymore. Here are the words of Christ: “In the resurrection they neither marry nor are given in marriage, but remain as the angels of God in heaven” (Matt. 22.30).
Priest Alexander Beloslyudov
Hello, father! I am 23 years old, I have a little daughter, we are expecting a second child! I am legally married to my husband, but not married (which I really regret). Even before I got married, I told my husband that I really wanted to get married. After we got married, I told my husband that I wanted a wedding, but he just remained silent. I cannot insist, because he must want it himself. But I don’t know how to make him want it. He believes in God, but we don’t go to church often, he has a job, and he’s embarrassed. When he enters church, he begins to feel lost and ashamed. Please tell me how to explain to him that he needs to get married? For all the time that we have been married, I do not feel like his wife. I care about him, worry about him, but at the same time I’m embarrassed by him... And in general, I’m an insecure person. It seems to me that because I stay at home with my child and don’t work, I can’t ask him for anything (clothes, money, etc.), I no longer know how to become more self-confident. I am a very gentle person, I always forgive him, sometimes he causes me moral pain, he can insult me, offend me - but I am silent, I don’t know how to pronounce or speak! It seems to me that he takes advantage of the fact that I am silent and forgive everything, and it is simply convenient for him to live with me. Please help me with advice on how to understand myself? Thank you for everything!
Anna
Anya, as I understand it, uncertainty, cowardice - the main problem? Would you like to fix this with a wedding? Are you insecure about your husband? Is this the main thing? Then you don’t need a wedding (this is a sacrament for people who have already found themselves in the church), but work on yourself. I recommend you our section “My Fortress”. You need to get acquainted with some basics of family, life together. It is possible that the help of a psychotherapist is also necessary to overcome feelings of uncertainty. You should not be afraid to ask your husband for what you need. By the way, he himself should understand this without reminders: You are the wife and mother of his child. And he is your breadwinner. It's simple! Try to do the following exercise before taking a decisive action: ask yourself what a confident person would do in your place? So do it. And be sure to pray.
Archpriest Maxim Khizhiy
Hello, father, please advise me how to do the right thing! I lived in a civil marriage with a guy who loved me very much, but when I got pregnant, he left me and went on a voyage (he is a sailor) for six months, when he came, I had already had 8 months, and we started talking. When I gave birth, he came to visit several times, but did not bring or promise anything! Naturally, I registered my son alone and named him Konstantin. When he was 2 months old, I baptized him, when my Kostya was already six months old, his father decided to return to the family, while accusing me of accepting independent decision give birth, but since this has happened, we must try to start a family. For some reason I went for it. Now he began to tell me that he didn’t like the name Kostya, that he needed to rename him Ilya, and if I didn’t do this, he would leave me! What should I do, and is it possible to rename a baptized child?
Catherine
I washed it and threw it away. He came to sail again... Everything is not right for him. You can't change your name! Think better whether the child needs such an abnormal father, and you need such a husband. Don’t forget to go to confession, you need to deal with your sins.
Archpriest Maxim Khizhiy
My husband and I are not married, we have been living for 22 years. He has adult children from his first marriage, and I have an adult daughter from my first marriage. I met my first love, he was divorced, and then his ex-wife died. The fact that we broke up with our first love is my fault. And he loves me very much, and I too. My husband agrees to divorce, what should I do? My first love blames me and says that I was given to him by God and I should marry him.
Galina
I understand that you are going to get married for the third time? But it's worth thinking carefully. Your “first love” is no longer the same person you loved in your youth. And you are also not who you were before. Changes people's lives! Isn't it dangerous to indulge in such illusions? Think about it. Say your prayers.
Archpriest Maxim Khizhiy
My husband, 38 years old, left for a 24-year-old woman, leaving me with two children without funds. Our marriage is completed. Doesn't wear a ring. What do i do? Pray for the return of my husband, or our marriage by church rules already broken up? THANK YOU.
Catherine
If a civil marriage breaks up, it means there is no longer a church marriage, unless repentance occurs. Why do you need a “prodigal parrot”? I would still think about whether it is worth taking it back when the 24-year-old “woman” sends it to scrap. Read about “unequal marriages” in the “My Fortress” section, and in my LJ - about divorce: http://clerical-x.livejournal.com/. Leave a comment. I hope this will help you understand everything. Pray, become strong! By the way, file for alimony!
Archpriest Maxim Khizhiy
Hello! I have been sinning for many years, I first dated a married man, then he got divorced and has two adult children. When he was married, I gave birth to a child. This situation torments me very much, as if there is a stone in my soul, I suffer from this, I go to church, and at home too, and I always ask God to forgive me for this grave sin. I feel guilty that his family broke up, although he claims that I had nothing to do with it, he just loved me and lived for a long time for the sake of the children, I waited until they grew up to get a divorce. This depresses me, I ask you to register our marriage, since he is now a free man, so that we can then get married, so that God will forgive and bless our family. But my man doesn’t want to register now, he says that it’s not time yet, although we want more children, and I tell him that I don’t want to give birth again in sin. For many years he asked me to wait for him and I faithfully waited for him until he got a divorce, what could stand in the way now?! He says that loving is not a sin, but the fact that we are together means that it is God’s will, that’s why he doesn’t consider it important to register the marriage, but I can’t convince him and I continue to sin. The priest in the church said in confession that when I correct my sin, then I can come and confess to receive communion, but until I correct my sin, I do not need to confess and constantly ask for forgiveness before God for my sin. Will God really not forgive me for interfering with someone else’s family? What should I do?
Question : A few years ago Sretensky Monastery He gave a series of lectures on the Christian family at the Polytechnic Museum. One day was entirely devoted to questions and answers, and I asked mine burning question. Why does this happen: a bright, pure girl; smart, well-mannered boy; the priest knows both of them, blesses them, crowns them, but family life doesn’t work out? And vice versa: stormy youth, both have several marriages behind them, children of their own and others; the priest does not bless, does not take responsibility, because he does not see the basis for the future happiness of the family, but they still get married, and everything is fine with them - why is this so? Several priests were sitting at the table on the stage, answered Archpriest Maxim Kozlov. I remembered it for the rest of my life, probably because I answered very honestly. I can’t reproduce it verbatim, but the meaning is this: family is always a risk. Yes, sometimes there is every reason to be happy, people do everything right to be worthy God's grace and family happiness. But there is no happiness. And vice versa: they play pranks because they are young, there is no basis for happiness, but God, in His mercy, finds a basis for happiness precisely for these people. This is a secret from God. This is a risk for humans. Always. And that's fair.Answer: Although this is more of a remark rather than a direct question, I will try to express my point of view on this problem, especially since similar questions concern many people, and I have already had to answer them before.
I agree with dear Father Maxim: starting a family is always a risk. Like any difficult and important matter. Such as, for example, the opening of a new enterprise, the construction of a large facility, or the birth of a child. Isn’t a woman, especially a believer, for whom abortion is a grave sin, at risk when she conceives and then gives birth to a baby? After all, they are possible ectopic pregnancy, various complications, the threat of miscarriage and, finally, the risk of dying during childbirth or giving birth to a disabled child. No one is immune from these and other dangers. But, nevertheless, almost every family, knowing about these dangers, takes risks. Or another example: driving a car. Every year on Russian roads 30 thousand people die. This is twice as many as our soldiers died in Afghanistan during the nine years of war. And how many more people remain crippled and lose their health in road accidents every year! But, knowing all this, everyone continues to use vehicles, and some work as drivers. But every sane person, starting an unsafe business, tries to reduce the risk as much as possible. This is also said in the Gospel: “For which of you, desiring to build a tower, does not first sit down and calculate the cost, whether he has what it takes to complete it, so that when he lays the foundation and is not able to complete it, all who see it begin to laugh? over him, saying: This man began to build and could not finish? Or what king, going to war against another king, does not sit down and consult first whether he is able with ten thousand to resist the one coming against him with twenty thousand? Otherwise, while he is still far away, he will send an embassy to him to ask for peace” (Luke 14: 28–32). An example with the same driving a car: who will get into accidents more often - a driver who has completed a training course, drives carefully and follows the rules, or a person who bought a license without really learning to drive, who often breaks the rules and is also prone to recklessness ? I think the answer is obvious. If a woman wants to reduce the risk during pregnancy, she must also follow the rules: take care of herself, eat well, do not lift heavy objects, and see a doctor. If she carries heavy bags, smokes, drinks alcohol and does not care about doctors’ recommendations, then it is very likely that her pregnancy will end in failure. Of course, there are very small chances that, despite all this, the Lord will still save her and the unborn baby and she will give birth safely healthy baby, - there are such cases. But it is clear to anyone that the risk for such a woman in labor increases many times over.
Now about marriage. If a Christian wants to live according to the will of God and save his soul, he must be guided not by his own “truth”, but by the Truth of God, which is set out in the Holy Scriptures and in the writings of the Holy Fathers, that is, in the Holy Tradition, as well as the instructions of his conscience and advice spiritual father. If he lives according to the principle: “my will be done,” I will live as I want, and the Lord will somehow manage there (after all, life is a risk anyway), he commits a great sin, deliberately goes against God and exposes himself to great danger .
The Holy Scriptures teach us about marriage. I will not present it in detail now with numerous quotes - everyone can find them themselves if they wish. I'll be brief. The Lord gives us rules for family life. This is: 1) mutual conjugal love and hierarchy, in the image of the love and hierarchy of Christ and the Church, 2) maintaining purity before marriage and fidelity in marriage, 3) indissolubility of the marital union (except for the guilt of adultery): “what God has joined together, let no man separate” (Matthew 19: 6). If we build family life according to these spiritual laws, we can protect our family from many troubles and find marital happiness. Of course, there are cases, like the one described in the above comment, when church virgin young people do not find marital happiness and their marriage falls apart. But, if you look at the situation as a whole, divorces, infidelity and family scandals are much less common in church families. There, these phenomena are exceptions, but in other, non-believing families, they are common and even natural. Christian families are falling apart not because the rules of Christian family life are bad, and not because the Holy Scriptures are outdated, but because we are such Christians - Orthodox Christians of the 21st century, who have forgotten what true love, family, and patience are. After all, in order to create a strong and happy Christian family, only external correct conditions are not enough. Our personal work and the feat of family life are necessary. Venerable Seraphim Sarovsky said that for salvation it is not enough just to pray, fast and go to church, you need to “acquire the Holy Spirit.” So it is in family life. Certainly, the right conditions they help us and reduce risks, but the main thing is to acquire and preserve the spirit of love. True, sacrificial marital love is the content of marriage, and the right conditions are the form.
As Father Maxim Kozlov again correctly noted, there is a special care of God, His Providence for each specific person and for each married couple. Because every person has his own path to God. Someone in childhood did not receive an Orthodox upbringing, grew up in a single-parent family and “played tricks in his youth” - he has only one demand, God’s only care for him. And it may very well be that this person, after his sincere repentance and awareness of his mistakes, the Lord will give another chance for happiness. Or vice versa: a person grew up in a priestly, friendly family, but deliberately followed the path of sin, fell into fornication before marriage, cheated on his wife during marriage, got divorced and entered into a second marriage - it is clear that the demand from him will be completely different: “who much has been given, much will be required; and to whom much has been entrusted, they will require more from him” (Luke 12:48). Yes, the Lord has a special view of everyone, but that’s why it’s special, which is not for everyone. And for all of us there is overall plan God’s: to be saved and to build a life (including family life) according to the commandments, according to the Gospel.
You brought quite specific example: the couple went through stormy youth, each had several marriages and several children from these marriages, went against the blessing of the priest, got married, and everything is fine with them. Sorry, but as a clergyman who regularly receives confession, I cannot agree with this. Constantly confessing to people who are not in their first marriage, I know how they, their spouses and children suffer from all these mistakes, and most importantly, how they themselves suffer from pangs of conscience. No normal person will argue that marriage should be created once for a lifetime and that this is much better than going through trial, error and sins. No person can simply erase negative experiences from life, forget everything like a bad dream. Even after repentance and confession, the consequences of his sins will be with him. Will remain his ex-spouses, children from previous marriages with whom it is necessary to communicate, as well as memories of past relationships and the habit of sin. This means that “everything is fine” can no longer be. But this is a topic for another discussion.
Question : I divorced my husband: we were unbelievers, young. She got married a second time. Is true love possible in our marriage, because I committed a great sin, or is it fornication, passion? Now I am a church person, I even work in a church; my current husband rarely goes to church, but he believes in God.
Answer: Yes, the great tragedy of our people is their isolation from their spiritual roots. The 70-year-old atheistic captivity has done its dark work, and the consequences of this godlessness will affect us and our descendants for a long time. Most people came to the Church after going through a lot, making many mistakes and sins. But the Lord came to earth for this purpose, to give hope to every person. And Christianity is a religion of resurrection; the main task our faith - resurrection human soul. How is it done? Through baptism and repentance. Rus', of course, has already been baptized, and more than 80% of us have been baptized, but the Holy Fathers call repentance and confession a second baptism, only not with water, but with tears. Many, repenting of great sins, ask: “Will God forgive me or not forgive me?” This question arises from a misunderstanding of repentance. As if there is some kind of offended Divine dignity that awaits satisfaction and punishment for the criminal. God is all-perfect Love, He has long forgiven us all, taking upon Himself our sins and sacrificing Himself for us. But He is waiting for our personal repentance, and we need: firstly, to admit that we are sick, and, secondly, to take the path of correction - for our own good. If we don’t repent, we won’t correct ourselves, but God wants our salvation. After repentance, you have a lot of work to do on yourself, on your mistakes, and, of course, it won’t be easy. The greater the sin, the greater its destructive consequences for us and the people around us. Sin is a spiritual disease. Diseases have different degrees gravity and shape. There is a runny nose, it is treated quickly, but there is tuberculosis, it takes a long time to be treated, it is not easy and the consequences remain. Fornication, adultery, family destruction are diseases that many modern people suffer from. Sins are serious, and they are not easy to heal. The Church, healing illnesses of the soul, after confession, prescribes penitential penance, depending on the severity of the sin. Of course, the terms of penances that are given in church canons, are not applicable in modern Russian reality, therefore penances are given by confessors as best they can, based on the specific situation, the capabilities of the penitent and the degree of his church involvement. Let me give you an example. Most women in our country have had abortions. For abortion, according to the 2nd canonical rule of St. Basil the Great, one must be excommunicated from communion for 10 years. Can you imagine what will happen if we excommunicate all these women for such a period? But many of them had more than one abortion. After such a rebuke, some will never come to church again, so penance is now being given as much as possible - due to the weakness and lack of churching of our people.
Of course, Holy Scripture tells us about monogamy. And the Lord indicates only one reason for divorce - adultery of one of the spouses (see: Matt. 19: 9). According to church rules, if a marriage broke up due to adultery, the injured party was allowed to enter into another marriage. Remarriage was also allowed due to widowhood. Nowadays the Church condescends to the weakness of people, due to the above reasons. This is what is said in the “Fundamentals of the Social Concept of the Russian Orthodox Church,” a document adopted at the Council of Bishops in 2000: “The Church does not at all encourage second marriage. However, after a legal ecclesiastical divorce, according to canon law, a second marriage is permitted to the innocent spouse. Persons whose first marriage broke up, was dissolved through their fault, entering into a second marriage is allowed only on condition of repentance and fulfillment of penance imposed in accordance with the canonical rules.”
You are asking whether your second marriage is fornication, passion, or is it still a marriage and love is possible in it. Of course, your union is not fornication; it is a legal marriage, although not the first. In the rite of weddings for second-weds, even if widowers are getting married, penitential motives are very clearly visible, and the wedding takes place without crowns, as a sign that the spouses are no longer virgins and are remarrying. The Church has always treated a second marriage as an acceptable weakness.
Now about love. Of course, love is possible in your marriage. The commandment to love is central to the New Testament. And if it so happens that people entered into a second marriage, they also have the opportunity to love and be loved.
I would like to talk a little about the difficulties and even dangers remarriages. Yes, repentance cleanses our sins, and the Lord, in His mercy, forgives them, but we have already said that very painful consequences inevitably remain.
You can often hear stories from movie and pop stars and all kinds of public people about how happy they are in their fourth or fifth marriage, how well they get along with their ex-wives and husbands. And many people have the impression that everything is very easy and simple: if you weren’t lucky in your first marriage, it doesn’t matter, you can try again, and finally “my attempt No. 5” will bring happiness. Of course, the real life of stars is a sealed secret for us, but we still know something about them. It is known, for example, that there are simply no more unhappy people in family life than artists, singers and poets. In this community, a close-knit family and lifelong love are a rare exception. Can their revelations be trusted? I remember the story of the actor Stanislav Sadalsky. He once said something like this: “Sometimes it’s funny for me to hear the stories of my fellow artists about what a wonderful family they have and how much they love each other. After all, I know that there are such horns on each side that they can no longer fit through the door.” But it happens the other way around: in interviews, stars share details of “terrible” events. family scandals specifically to “promote yourself”, create additional advertising for yourself, and draw attention to your person. Where is the real life, and where is the next one? Feature Film, it can be difficult to understand. Creative people are generally not an easy people. I have had occasion to confess to professional artists and poets: these are special people. Their working tool is nervous system. They themselves admitted that often in ordinary, real life they cannot disconnect from their performance on stage, they live in their roles, images, and continue to play them in life. This is their big problem.
A family psychologist with 20 years of experience, Irina Anatolyevna Rakhimova, once told me that, unfortunately, with artists, as a rule, everything is shallow. They usually take mutual infidelity lightly. But they don’t have deep feelings either, strong love. For some time they sincerely believe that they are in love, that they are happy, and then, when emotions cool down, they easily part. In addition, it is possible to judge whether a marriage was a success or not only after a long period of time has passed.
But let's go down from the starry Olympus to earth. What about us, ordinary people? Let me give you a few examples showing that past sins and mistakes of youth can greatly interfere with family life. Middle-aged spouses from the Moscow region came to my church. Nice, friendly family; it is clear that they love each other. But this is my husband’s second marriage; he has a son from his first marriage. And this man repeatedly told me that when he has to meet with his ex-wife on business, he has strong lewd thoughts and temptations, he begins to be very tormented by memories of their past life and he can barely cope with himself so as not to cheat on his current wife. He cannot avoid communicating with his first wife, since he must see his son and also help her with money.
Another friend of mine, let's call him Gennady, was married twice. Both marriages broke up, there are children from both wives. The children are still small, he is forced to communicate with them on the territory of their mothers. When he comes to them, it periodically happens to him intimate relationship first with one, then with the other, despite the fact that Gena is a believer, a church person.
Alexander and Nadezhda cohabited for about a year, then got married and got married. Alexander had another woman before Nadya. Now the spouses go to church, regularly confess and receive communion. But Nadezhda began to be tormented by attacks of jealousy; she often reproaches Sasha for having a mistress before her. And Alexander now often compares his wife with his “ex” - unfortunately, not in favor of his wife.
Here's another example. A very young couple from the Vladimir region. They came to the Church already married; before marriage they had physical relations with each other, but did not live together. Before we met, we also led a not very chaste life. For several years now they have been church life, often attend confession and communion. But the past life does not want to let go. At the wife's meeting with former friends several times it came almost to fornication; thank God, she found the strength to stop in time. The husband, suspecting something was wrong, began to be jealous, and conflicts and quarrels became more frequent in the family.
In addition to problems of a spiritual nature, other pitfalls may lie in wait for second marriages.
For those who have not encountered the problem of remarriage, it may seem that a divorced person with “experience” will have a much easier time in family life than someone getting married for the first time. Still would! A lot of baggage has been acquired, bumps have been filled, and now there is every chance of not making a mistake in choosing and building the right relationship in marriage. Unfortunately, there are very few cases where people actually learned from past mistakes and would not step on the same rake again. Why? People tend to see not their own mistakes, but to blame others for everything: “It’s not my fault that our marriage broke up; I was just unlucky; I got a very unsuitable spouse, but in the second or third marriage everything will be different.” And in a new marriage everything turns out exactly the same. For some time, the spouses live in perfect harmony, and then the option with the first marriage is repeated. Without admitting your guilt in what happened, without a deep analysis of your mistakes and your behavior in general, there will be no normal relationships in a new marriage.
One of my female psychologist friends highly recommended that those who have experienced a breakup (by the way, not only in marriage) should not make new acquaintances for some time - a year or more - but start working on themselves, their spiritual growth, in order to understand: what is preventing me from being happy in marriage , what are the disadvantages? why did our union break up? Only then there is a chance of happiness in marriage. I must say that with such a correct approach, sometimes it is possible to restore a broken marriage, and I am a witness to this. The advice “not to rush into creating a new union” is also valuable because the temptation to start looking for a new relationship immediately after a divorce is very great. And most often, nothing good comes of this: hasty creation of a family is often done to spite the first spouse, or a person seeks quick consolation in a new marriage, that is, he is guided not by love, but by some of his own selfish interests. Sometimes offended people want to increase their self-esteem by entering into a new marriage. The consequence of all this haste is a bad choice and further family problems.
In any case, a new marriage does not always start from scratch; people with “experience”, voluntarily or unwittingly, bring into the new family those wrong attitudes, errors in communication, false patterns of behavior that interfered with them in their first marriage and contributed to its collapse. This is something we need to seriously think about.
In conclusion, I would like to say about the most important thing: what should people do who did not preserve their first union and created a new family? You need to start, of course, with confession, even if you are the victim. The fault in divorce is almost always mutual. Moreover, without seeing your guilt, your mistakes, you will repeat them in a new marriage. The second thing to do is to produce “fruit worthy of repentance” (Matthew 3:8), that is, try to live so that in a new marriage you not only do not repeat old sins, but also constantly cultivate and strengthen your love and relationships . You must create a Christian family, focused on true love, patience, humility and mutual concessions. Of course, constant prayer to God asking for help in family life and mutual prayer spouses for each other.
The previously mentioned I.A. Rakhimova strongly advises people who have entered into a new marriage to especially pay attention to the basic law of family life: to make another person happy. Do not look for consolation in a new marriage only for yourself and solutions to your own problems, but fulfill the commandment to love your neighbor.
And, of course, use the negative experience of your past life in order not to repeat previous mistakes in a new union. You can also advise reading more good books about family and marriage and constantly thinking about how to improve your family life. Marriage is not an easy thing, and even more so for second marriages.
Question : My husband left his first wife and married me, we are separated. His previous marriage was final, leaving behind a child. Recently, he and I also had a son. It turns out that I broke up my family. What do we do now? My husband and I have just begun to take our first steps in the temple.
Answer: Of course, your husband committed a sin, and you - at least indirectly - are to blame for this. If your union were not a legal marriage, but simply cohabitation, I would definitely say that your husband needs to return to old family, but you and he are legally married. And even if he leaves you now, returns to his first wife and tries to restore his previous marriage, it remains to be seen whether he will be able to revive his past family, and your new marriage with him will be destroyed. I think we should leave everything as it is. What happened, happened, you can’t return the past, you need to live in the present. What about the present? You have a family, you have a son, he needs a dad and mom who love him and love each other.
You are just beginning your journey in the Church. It needs to start with repentance: both you and your spouse need to confess and suffer penance from the priest for your sin. Sin is serious, and only spiritual life according to the commandments, regular confession and communion can help you heal spiritual wounds.
Question : How to deal with lustful thoughts and immodest views of people of the other sex, when in spring and summer most girls and women wear immodest, revealing clothes? It is very difficult to fight sinful thoughts and desires. And how to maintain your eyesight at work if you are surrounded by beautiful young women?
Answer: Any sin - fornication, drunkenness and anger - begins with the acceptance of a thought, the thought of it. For example, a man went into a store to buy something, and his gaze fell on the display case with alcoholic beverages. And suddenly the thought: “Should I get a bottle of fortified red to drink this evening? Or better yet, two.” If he coped with this thought, overcame it, or was distracted, he committed no sin, but if he agreed with the thought and brought it to life, he committed the sin of drunkenness. The same thing happens with the thought of fornication. At the beginning he appears (most often through some kind of visual, visual image), then the person accepts it and commits mental fornication, and then real fornication or masturbation. In the ascetic patristic literature all this is described very well and in detail. Sinful thoughts are a common thing; most often they are instilled in us by the devil himself. The Holy Fathers teach us not to consider them our blood property, not to be afraid of them, but also not to talk with them. The most important task is to learn to cut off thoughts in time, when they first appear on the border of our consciousness.
Yes, it's really difficult to the modern man, the modern Christian should keep his sight and mind pure. It's difficult, but it's possible. Sin begins when we look at a person with lust, as it is said in the Gospel: “...everyone who looks at a woman with lust has already committed adultery with her in his heart” (Matthew 5: 28) - when we abandon immodest, prodigal views. In general, you need to be very careful with your views. If we have a weakness in our souls for the fair sex, we know this weakness, we need to try, being on the street, in the subway and in others in public places, less “staring” around. It is generally impolite to stare at people, and there is certainly no benefit from it. One girl I knew said that her favorite pastime in public transport is to look at the passengers: how they are dressed, what their faces are like, what they might be thinking about at the moment. This activity is very unhelpful. Why? You can commit several sins at once: condemning a person for appearance or facial expression, envy or be seduced by that same lustful thought. So it’s better to say a prayer, read or listen to something on headphones than to stare around.
If we know what tempts us very much female body, the first thing to do is not to fix your gaze on immodestly dressed women. So, a photographer is looking for something to photograph, but he doesn’t photograph everything; if he doesn’t need an object, he simply moves the camera. But if he aimed and already “clicked”, then this image has already remained with him, in his camera, and the photographer will then examine it. And we, ordinary people, therefore need to record, “photograph” only what we need. If we fix our attention on women, it is very easy to then accept a lewd thought, an image and begin to commit mental sin with her. We need to notice less about beautiful women around us, not be glued to them with our eyes, perceive this diversity of dresses and bodies as a kind of background, look at the main thing, at what we really need.
Second point. The sin is not in the look, but in the attitude. How do we perceive a woman: as a target for lust or as something neutral, not ours? Let me give you an analogy. Imagine that we are in Moscow, somewhere on Tverskaya Street. There are luxury cars all around: Audi, Mercedes, Land Cruisers; sometimes even a Bentley flashes by... But we have modest Zhiguli cars, or we generally walk. And now we have a choice: either fall into sin (envy, lust, condemnation), or simply not pay attention to all this auto splendor, and maybe even be happy for the owners of foreign cars. Yes, it’s beautiful, prestigious, comfortable, but it’s not mine and, most likely, it will never be mine.
It’s the same with views on women. This especially applies to married men. As he says folk wisdom: “The demon puts a spoonful of honey into someone else’s wife.” For a married man there should be only one woman - his wife; he should evaluate only her as a woman.
Now about the team. Here, too, we can protect ourselves, even if we communicate with beautiful women every day. After all, a person myself gives himself permission: I’ll look at this one, but I won’t look at this one - it’s not mine. Only myself. Let's imagine that some young man has a beautiful sister, who also does not dress very modestly. Or his mother is still young and beautiful. But even if this young man does not adhere to strong moral principles, he still won’t get excited about them, commit mental fornication with them. He, of course, will fight these thoughts and desires in every possible way. After all, this is unthinkable, forbidden, this is my mother and Native sister! So you can fight? So we need to imagine that all the women who seduce us are our sisters and treat them like family, with respect, but without lust. See them not as a seductive woman, but as a person with whom you can communicate (with caution, of course), who can be helped if necessary, for example, for work, but nothing more. As St. Theophan the Recluse writes, when communicating with women, you need to learn to keep your heart on a leash and look at them “through the eyes of children who look at women purely, without bad thoughts.” I remember one famous musician told how his attitude towards young female fans who attended his concerts gradually changed. In his youth, they seduced him, he looked at them with lust, but over time, somewhere after 40 years, when his children had already grown up, he began to look at the fans as his adult daughters, no longer with unclean thoughts.
