Natalya Skuratovskaya psychologist biography. Psychological manipulations in the Church - how to recognize and what to do. Despondency or depression, father or psychotherapist

Psychologist Natalia Skuratovskaya comments.

“The priest killed his wife” is terrifying, but alas, not surprising. Family violence occurs in priestly families (and simply in "deeply churched") more often than "on average in the hospital." The reasons are simple: psychopaths among priests, to put it mildly, are no less than among other citizens, but common ideas about marriage and marital relations are such that they actually legitimize violence and prevent a way out of a crisis family situation. (Moreover, these ideas are based on a false understanding of both the Gospel and the canons - another substitution that cripples, and sometimes even takes life).

I also had occasion to communicate with a very young mother, beaten to the blue by her equally young husband (the offspring of a venerable priestly family"with traditions" - yes, including - with the tradition of "humble" a wife by beatings), and with older mothers of many children suffering from domestic violence, who have survived over the years family life not one fracture, with broken kidneys, but not daring to change the situation. What do they usually hear from the confessor? “Be patient, humble yourself, this is your cross, this is for your own good, divorce is a mortal sin, let the wife be afraid of her husband ...”

And where in ordinary family a woman would overcome fear and co-dependence, get to a crisis center and receive support and shelter, many mothers will endure to the last - and not only because of the above "edifications", but also because it is shameful to "defame" her husband, to drop him priestly authority, “to bring blasphemy on the Church” (by the way, very often these abuser priests in the parish behave in a completely different way - and the parishioners consider them “good shepherds”).

In some cases, family violence is not a consequence of psychopathy, but a situation of colossal pressure in which the priest finds himself due to the peculiarities of our “church system”, and if he does not deal constructively with this chronic stress, then the consequences may fall on the family (which will be "get out" everything negative emotions find no way out)

And I really want to remind women who find themselves in a situation of domestic violence:

1. You are not alone with this trouble.- throughout the country there is a network of crisis centers for victims of domestic violence, which will provide both psychological and legal assistance, and, if necessary, shelter (and even with 6 children, yes). It's free.

And even if you are not going to leave yet, it is worth contacting the specialists of the crisis center and discussing your situation confidentially - so that there is an adequate perception of the situation as such, and the risk to which you expose yourself and the children, and opportunities to change the situation.

2. If you decide to leave your abusive husband, then first grab the children and go to a safe place(if relatives and friends do not have such a place, then in a shelter), and then sort things out, discuss a possible divorce, etc.

3. Your departure will not "destroy the marriage"(if there is a threat to life and health, everything is already destroyed), but it can give a marriage a chance to be saved (and this chance lies in psychotherapy, in some cases with the participation of a psychiatrist, which will help the abuser to restrain aggressive impulses, and possibly to cope with those own personal problems that push him to violence). Until the wife leaves, the abusive husband has no incentive to acknowledge the problem and begin to address it.

——————
Give rest, Lord, to the newly-departed Anna and accept her into Your heavenly abodes!

And help, Lord, those who can still be saved.

Information department of the Khabarovsk diocese

From 6 to 16 September 2013 with the blessing of the Metropolitan of Khabarovsk and Priamursky Ignatius The first cycle of classes from the course "Practical Pastoral Psychology" was held at the Khabarovsk Theological Seminary. The author's program of the psychologist Natalia Stanislavovna Skuratovskaya is designed for two years, it is developed as a practical addition to the seminar base rate psychology.

Natalia Skurotovskaya - Moscow State University them. M.V. Lomonosov Moscow State University, Faculty of Psychology, general director of the Viv AKTIV company, consultant, business coach.

The Khabarovsk Theological Seminary has become a kind of experimental platform: for the first time in the system spiritual education the seminary teaches the course "Practical Pastoral Psychology" in an active training format.

Every semester, full-time students will “immerse themselves” in a two-week intensive course, and consolidate the material they have learned through webinars. The course consists of thematic blocks: personality psychology, social Psychology, communication psychology, motivation, public performance and discussions, self-organization, time management, stress management.

- Natalia Stanislavovna, tell us how the course of practical psychology appeared?

“The idea was born three years ago, during the “ psychological school Shepherd" in the city of Petropavlovsk-Kamchatsky. When we analyzed difficult situations, many fathers said: “Oh, if only I knew this in the seminary,” after all, a lot is always expected from a priest: advice, instruction, admonition, consolation, regardless of age and experience.

-What are the features of pastoral psychology?

The Church is the mystical Body of Christ; on the other hand, it is also an organization. It has its own tasks, distribution of responsibility, hierarchy. When we approach the solution of these problems in the Church, we always mean the spiritual dimension. For practical pastoral psychology, this means that we always focus on patristic teaching, find points of contact between patristic and secular psychology, and cut off methods that are unacceptable to an Orthodox person. For example, in psychology there are many techniques for developing self-confidence that simultaneously contribute to the development of selfishness and pride. The entire path of an Orthodox Christian is aimed at combating this sin, therefore, other ways of solving the problem must be sought.

-For example, how to overcome uncertainty, so to speak, "in the Orthodox way"?

Need to figure out what undermines our confidence? Fear, vanity (the desire to impress someone better than what one actually has), inertia (the inability to resist the overwhelming will of other people).

You can develop self-confidence by overcoming your fears. You need to accept yourself the way you are. The Lord loves us as we are and accepts us, why should we despise ourselves? Get the right accents. To understand that it makes no sense to seem better than you really are, you just need to strive to actually be better. By the way, the fight against fears and passions is an important ascetic task.

-Many clergy are wary of psychologists and psychological science. Why do you think?

When the question arises why psychology is needed, if there are holy fathers, then I answer: If a person has firmly embarked on the path of spiritual perfection, if for him at this stage of life there is no goal more important than being with God, then he does not need psychology at all. But are there many such people in the parishes? In order to embark on the ascetic path, a person must grow up. Until this happens, he suffers from mental disorders that prevent him from approaching spiritual matters. To help other people, you need to clear a place from the psychological garbage that each of us carries in ourselves. The future shepherd must understand how the psyche and consciousness function, how relations between people are built, which is why conflicts arise.

-What topics were the students most interested in?

Dialogue management, discussions, public speaking.. A lot depends on personal qualities children who had public speaking experience and teamwork skills approached the classes more consciously. With the understanding that after seminary they will need this knowledge. But for some, this is still abstract material.

It is impossible to make a person psychologically competent in a week, so my task at this stage is to arouse interest and make people think. This course is not only training, but also education, process personal growth. I hope that this will help seminarians at the beginning of their service in parish, missionary, teaching practice, that is, in any business that requires communication with people.

Yakov Krotov: Our guest is a psychologist, Orthodox Natalia Skuratovskaya.

Where did your interest in manipulation come from? I have a feeling that in Russia everyone is terribly afraid of losing their freedom, being a victim of manipulation, and as a result, everyone is losing this freedom, because the fear of lack of freedom turns out to be worse than slavery.

Natalia Skuratovskaya: Any fear increases the risk that it will come true.

I became interested in this topic as a result of my professional experience, including psychotherapeutic, and on the other hand, from my experience as a secular psychologist, business psychologist. That's what I've been working with, helping people overcome for the past 25 years.

In Russia, everyone is terribly afraid of losing their freedom, being a victim of manipulation, and as a result, everyone is losing this freedom.

Yakov Krotov: Do you work with believers not so long?

Natalia Skuratovskaya: Yes, since 2010, when the Church became ready to work with it. It all started with the fact that the Archbishop of Kamchatka invited me to conduct a training for the priests of his diocese. These priests, who were with me at the first training, then applied for individual consultations, and somehow it went one after another. Prior to this, during my 20 years in the Church, I could not even imagine that my professional activity and my faith will ever touch.

Yakov Krotov: Now in Moscow almost every parish has a psychologist, and psychological literacy is growing.

How do you define manipulation? How, for example, is manipulative love different from ordinary love? Here is parental love, for example... Or, if manipulation appears, then the word "love" is inappropriate?

Natalia Skuratovskaya: Why? All this can be perfectly combined in the mind of one person. Manipulation is any hidden psychological influence on another person in order to get him to fulfill his will.

Yakov Krotov: Does it matter if this manipulation is conscious or not?

Any fear increases the risk that it will be justified.

Natalia Skuratovskaya: For the object of influence, there is no fundamental difference. For the manipulator himself, this, of course, plays a role. It's a matter of inner honesty. If a person realizes that he is manipulating, at least, it is easier for him to get rid of it if he wishes. If he is not aware, then the relationship is more likely to reach a dead end than he realizes that it is the manipulative nature of his behavior that is causing this dead end.

Yakov Krotov: Are manipulative practices more common in Russia or in other countries? Can we say that in Russia this is a particularly acute problem?

Natalia Skuratovskaya: By and large, at this level, people are the same everywhere. Manipulation is the background of our communication, this does not mean that there are necessarily horrors, nightmares, devastating consequences for the individual. Destructive consequences accumulate slowly, gradually, because manipulation deprives us of honesty and openness, the ability to leave another person freedom of choice, that is, this is a habit of precisely such manipulative behavior. And so any mother who persuades a child to eat a spoonful “for dad, for mom” (and with love) is already somewhere and in some way a manipulator.

Yakov Krotov: And you just need to order to eat a spoon?

Manipulation is any hidden psychological influence on another person in order to get him to fulfill his will.

Natalia Skuratovskaya: Wait until it gets hungry.

Yakov Krotov: In my opinion, the reference time for manipulative practices is Victorian. Suffice it to say about how boys and girls were weaned from onanism - in every possible way intimidating that there is a certain supply of sexual energy, you will waste it all, you will be lopsided, lame, ugly, there will be acne and so on. From this, it seems to me, modern atheism has largely grown, from this grew Freud, who fought against this and proved that this is not the case with children. And from Freud's point of view, the Judeo-Christian religion in its European version is simply a transfer to God of those ideas that are formed in a child who has become a victim of such an upbringing. God as a manipulator... And that's why Freud was an unbeliever.

Natalia Skuratovskaya: There is such a situation when the image of God is distorted, the parental figure is really projected onto it, and if the child is faced with intimidation and threats that "if you do not obey me, I will not love you," then the same is transferred to God. God becomes such a frightening figure, the location of which must be earned, sometimes in an unnatural way for oneself.

Yakov Krotov: Here is the Apocalypse, the Savior's sermon about the Last Judgment: gnashing of teeth, you will look at a woman with lust - it would be better for you to hang yourself and so on ... Is this manipulation?

Natalia Skuratovskaya: Don't think.

Yakov Krotov: What's the difference? This is intimidation.

There's a difference between intimidation and warning

Natalia Skuratovskaya: There is a difference between intimidation and warning.

Yakov Krotov: In general, all this evangelical pedagogy, as John Chrysostom said in justification of the Savior, is pedagogical intimidation. But it turns out that this is not an excuse, but rather, rather, an aggravation of guilt? Why does the Savior talk about wine so often?

Natalia Skuratovskaya: The Savior just doesn't talk about guilt very often. In general, in my opinion, the main message of the Gospel is that we are saved by the grace of God, and not because we deserve this salvation by our righteous behavior, not because we are justified by our actions, because we have never transgressed a single commandment. And then the apostle Paul developed this idea - that according to the law no one will be justified.

Yakov Krotov: This is wise... Especially since the New Testament has, to put it mildly, an underwater part, the other side of the coin. There is a huge part that thanks God for the existence of the world. And in this sense, it is impossible to understand Christ without realizing that over the course of one and a half thousand years these people really learned gratitude, trust, openness to the world. Then we will not understand the Gospel, we will be skewed. And in modern Russian conditions, a person comes to God not from a world where thanksgiving psalms are daily singing, but from a world of cynicism, despair, pedagogical humiliation and manipulation, where they shouted to him: "You goat! What are you doing? Give me a rest!" Is it manipulation?

The same actions, depending on the context, may or may not be manipulation.

Natalia Skuratovskaya: Maybe manipulation. You see, the same actions, depending on the context and, above all, on the motivation of the one who says or does it, can either be or not be manipulation. There are purely manipulative phrases, but often we cannot reach a verdict on one phrase. For example, a purely manipulative phrase: "If you don't fast, pray, God will curse you, you'll go to hell." The person who says this is appropriating the judgment of God. He does not know how God will judge his interlocutor, but he has already passed his verdict. This is the question of manipulative pedagogy. And church pedagogy can also be manipulative.

Yakov Krotov: Well, a fourteen-year-old teenager comes to the priest, to such a young man, and the priest in the forehead: "Are you masturbating?" And the teenager thinks: oh, far-sighted father... Is this manipulative pedagogy?

Natalia Skuratovskaya: Undoubtedly.

Yakov Krotov: Is a teenager able to get out of this without loss?

Natalia Skuratovskaya: I think the easiest way to get out is not to come back a second time. But this is not always possible, because he does not always come himself, often the family is also involved.

Yakov Krotov: Can a person at 14 want to be manipulated?

Church pedagogy can also be manipulative

Natalia Skuratovskaya: In principle, it can, if he is used to it, for example, in his family. This creates a certain sense of security, he does not need to change anything in himself, he understands this system of relations. For example, if he is accustomed to earning the approval of his parents by obedience, then, getting to such a young old man, from whom he also needs to earn approval by obedience, he will feel psychologically comfortable with all the destructiveness of relations, because this is a system familiar to him. He can repent of this only if objectively difficult consequences of the same obedience come in his life. Or he may not repent until the end of his life and transfer this, in turn, to his children or to his parishioners, if he becomes a priest. As a matter of fact, this is how it is broadcast.

Yakov Krotov: In your experience with seminarians, is there a tendency to teach future priests manipulative practices? Or is this danger recognized and avoided?

Natalia Skuratovskaya: Manipulative practices are not purposefully taught to future priests, of course, but the seminary is the formation of a role model of behavior. And this role model is assimilated by seminary teachers, confessors, that is, by those real priests who contribute to the formation of a person precisely as a pastor, counselor. And if these mentors are characterized by manipulative behavior, then it is adopted as part of this role model, and it may not be realized by either side, but simply absorbed.

You cannot become a professional practicing psychologist without working through your psychological difficulties.

From a mental health standpoint, this should be recognized. When I worked with seminarians on practical pastoral psychology (these were not lectures, but training, and some of their own characteristics of behavior in different situations were worked out), each time I noticed this, I marked this moment, made it explicit: look what you are now done. Or: let's ask your comrades how honest it sounded. And they themselves began to recognize this in their behavior. Awareness is already half the solution to the problem. And then they began to play pranks on each other, when someone entered the role of such a manipulating priest.

Yakov Krotov: Do psychiatrists, psychologists, psychotherapists also have a professional tendency to manipulate? Or are they being warned about it?

Natalia Skuratovskaya: By at least, they are more likely to notice it behind them. It is impossible to become a professional practicing psychologist without an individual study of one's psychological difficulties. In principle, one cannot begin to practice without dealing with one's own psychological problems. But in our country, this activity is not licensed, so anyone after some three-month courses can go and fool people.

Yakov Krotov: As the ancient Romans said, "let the buyer beware."

So, the manipulation of love is the main, perhaps, a way of manipulation. They say: I won't love you if... How is this compatible with the concept of responsibility? How is the love of God, if it is absolute and unconditional, compatible with the free will of man?

Unconditional love begins with the willingness to accept the other for who they really are.

Natalia Skuratovskaya: If we are talking about unconditional love, then it begins with the willingness to accept the other as he really is. Not to justify and support him in everything, but to allow him to be himself, and not a projection of our expectations. It can refer to children, spouses, lovers, anyone.

Yakov Krotov: And how is it to accept without supporting?

Natalia Skuratovskaya: Well, for example, a person close to us may have views that we do not agree with, habits that we do not like, and we can directly say to him: “Sorry, dear, I don’t like that you pick your nose and go to communist rallies." But at the same time, if Vasya is some kind of beloved brother, then this relationship may not be destroyed.

Yakov Krotov: And these will be full relationship?

Natalia Skuratovskaya: Yes, they can be perfect. But a full-fledged relationship is such acceptance from two sides.

Yakov Krotov: It seems to me that in Russia there is such a view of the same England: the world of individualism, everything fell apart, everyone on his own, talking only about the weather, because you can’t talk about politics, about religion - we’ll quarrel. Everything that is the essence of the pleasure of Russian soulfulness is taken out of the brackets. Or not?

In Russia, people for the most part are not afraid to quarrel, they can quarrel, and then make up

Natalia Skuratovskaya: We have features of national communication, which include the fact that people for the most part are not afraid to quarrel, they can quarrel, and then reconcile ... But sometimes there are no brakes, there is no respect for someone else's personal space. This is not yet manipulation, but a basic condition for not reproaching yourself for manipulative behavior. “I do not respect his freedom, but I want the best, I know how it is better for him!”

Yakov Krotov: What does personal boundaries mean? Here a woman came to church without a headscarf, and a regular parishioner wants to reprimand her. Has the right to?

Natalia Skuratovskaya: It seems to me that a regular parishioner should have more patience and love, not be upset because of other people's handkerchiefs.

Yakov Krotov: And how far can one go with this unconditionality? The woman came to the church drunk, barely standing, but in a headscarf. Lead to the exit?

Well, for some reason, the Lord brought her in such a state ... Escort her to the bench. If she behaves inappropriately, then maybe to the exit, but ask to come in tomorrow, sober.

Yakov Krotov: But the child is a drug addict, and he manipulates his parents, parental love ...

Manipulation can involve co-dependent relationships, but it can also be used for other purposes.

Natalia Skuratovskaya: This is exactly the case when you can love, but not accept or support his hobbies. Here, at a certain stage, there may be some restriction of personal freedom - for example, to isolate him from the environment. The first step is to talk and help to realize the destructiveness of the path he has embarked on. If the moment has already been missed, awareness is no longer possible, then help him get out of this.

Yakov Krotov: And this will be manipulation: if you inject yourself and steal more ...

Natalia Skuratovskaya: ...then we'll kick you out. Yes, it will be manipulation. We can say: we are afraid for you, we are worried, we see that you are dying, you are no longer responsible for your actions, we want to help you, protect you. We can say this quite firmly, but still, the final decision here remains with him. Remember the parable of the prodigal son. There the son behaves unworthily, demands what he has no right to, and the father gives it to him, lets him go with it, and waits lovingly for him to come back.

Yakov Krotov: What is the relationship between manipulation of others and addiction, codependency? Is there any similarity? It is convenient for the manipulator that the other is a sinner, he can manipulate him.

Natalia Skuratovskaya: Manipulation can involve co-dependent relationships, but it can also be used for other purposes. But any destructive co-dependent relationship is based on manipulation, and often mutual. For example, this alliance is a victim and an aggressor...

Yakov Krotov: Penitent and young man.

The victim doesn't always want to be pulled out of the relationship.

Natalia Skuratovskaya: Yes. domestic violence- here the situation does not always look so unambiguous that there is a villain and there is an unfortunate victim. Very often there is a moment of counter provocation. If the aggressor relaxes and does not manifest himself as an aggressor, he can be provoked so that the victim confirms his right, for example, to not answer for anything: what can I do if I was suppressed, humiliated, broken ... The victim is not always wants to be pulled out of this relationship.

Yakov Krotov: And if a person begins to repent and tries to free himself from his tendency to manipulation, to sadism, then this can help the victim to free himself too?

Natalia Skuratovskaya: Certainly! Remove one element from this system of relations, and even if the second does not change its behavior, then all its impulses (including manipulative ones) go nowhere, do not meet a reflex response that starts this entire destructive chain.

For example, in a situation of the same family violence - sometimes the injured party comes to me, and sometimes vice versa, parents who can no longer scream at their children, they scream and are ashamed. Helping a person to change his own attitudes, his own attitude towards close person, we cannot change the behavior of another person who is not with us. Therefore, we help those who come to us, and the other, perhaps, is not ready to come to therapy...

Codependency is the filling of certain deficits

For example, a wife is a victim of family aggression, and a husband is a sadist, and he, of course, will not go to any psychologist, she says. And we will work not about how to change a husband and his character, but about how to get out of a situation of violence. A person changes internally: we find what vulnerabilities this system of relations clings to, how they can be overcome, what is missing in the internal psychological space, how to fill this deficit.

Codependency is the filling of certain deficits. A person lacks love, and therefore he accepts, for example, aggression: even so, they pay attention to me. And you need to understand what a person lacks for happiness in order to get out of this relationship. When he finds a way to get it in a different way in another place, his attitude towards his partner in co-dependent interaction changes, and he begins to behave differently, react differently to aggression or not react to it at all, ignore, get out of the situation: " You scream here, and I'll have a cup of tea. And the system of family relations is changing. If we are talking about the Church, then the system of relations with the confessor is changing.

Yakov Krotov: Well, the Church is still an application to life, and not vice versa.

Natalia Skuratovskaya: It depends. There are people for whom the Church is the whole life or the main thing in life, for some it is even more important than the family. And there are people who have nothing else: monks, for example.

Yakov Krotov: Is that good?

There are people for whom the Church is their whole life or the main thing in life.

Natalia Skuratovskaya: If it's their free choice, then it's probably good.

Yakov Krotov: Here a person will say: "You shout, and I'll have a cup of tea," and he will climb already to fight, and not to swear. This inner restoration of oneself, the filling of the void, the recovery can not provoke, on the contrary, increased aggression? A person will see that the other is being released, and will become rabid, raising the degree of aggression.

Natalia Skuratovskaya: Yes, during the transition period, everything can be so, but there is light at the end of the tunnel. Sometimes it happens differently: a person, having worked out in himself the problem that involved him in a co-dependent relationship, understands that he does not need these relationships. And if there are no obligations, then he goes to drink tea in another place. But this is no longer about love. In some cases, this may be a divorce, but it happens that people, having parted for a while, then return to each other and begin to build relationships on a different foundation. Having survived this critical moment when aggression could become uncontrollable, people get a chance to build relationships on the foundation of love, not codependency.

Yakov Krotov: That is, love can develop into manipulation, but can there be a reverse process?

If there is already love as an open, responsible, honest attitude towards another person, then it will not develop into manipulation

Natalia Skuratovskaya: I would say that it is not love itself that can develop into manipulation, but the thirst for love and the desire to fill its deficit with at least something, some kind of close relationship, even if they hurt in some way. If there is already love as an open, responsible, honest attitude towards another person, then it will not develop into manipulation, into codependency.

Yakov Krotov: Here I would object. I've seen a lot of divorces, a lot of broken families and families where the manipulation of each other filled everything, but I can't say that there was no love. Love can grow into anything! In the end, Judas, I think, loved the Savior somewhere, and then something somewhere ... and not there.

But I'm afraid that love may end. In love, after all, there is a playful beginning, playful violence, playful biting, playful name-calling of each other - there is, as it were, such a phase of the maturation of love. And game manipulation in love also happens, I guess. And then it can happen that the game turns into a serious one and replaces love?

Natalia Skuratovskaya: Love is called so many different things that here every time I want to clarify.

Yakov Krotov: I call love any situation when people say that "we love each other." They came to the wedding, and the priest asks: "Do you promise to love? .."

Natalia Skuratovskaya: But it can be love or passion not even for a real partner, but for a fictional image. "The time has come - she fell in love."

Yakov Krotov: But this does not interfere with love, it is one of its pillars in the early stages.

Love is called so many different things that every time you want to clarify

Natalia Skuratovskaya: If a person loves his hallucination, which he projected onto a more or less suitable object, then love has not yet come here. It can come when people really get to know each other.

Yakov Krotov: Well, so the Lord brings people together, and quite early age. Let's face it, he somehow risks, and this is possible ...

Natalia Skuratovskaya: Of course you can, because love can grow out of it. Or maybe not grow up.

Yakov Krotov: She is! Presumption of love! Otherwise, we find ourselves in the position of manipulators. If I do not trust someone else's love, then I kind of manipulate the person: if you prove that you love her...

Natalia Skuratovskaya: And why is it necessary to pass judgment on this, intruding into inner world another person, in his freedom, in his choice?

Yakov Krotov: But we are all interconnected, and if a person asks, then he needs reinforcement, confirmation, this is often the right need.

And how is the manipulation of guilt different from a call to repentance?

Natalia Skuratovskaya: Effort vector. Repentance is metanoia, it is a change in life, thought, soul. And the consequence of repentance should be the abandonment of passions, the overcoming of sins. And the feeling of guilt, if it is neurotic ... Sometimes a person realizes guilt as a responsibility for a really committed misconduct, that is, it is the voice of conscience. It is also worth distinguishing guilt from the voice of conscience.

If I do not trust someone else's love, then I kind of manipulate the person

Yakov Krotov: But as?

Natalia Skuratovskaya: A sense of guilt, destructive and neurotic, by and large, dictates self-destruction: you are bad, you will not improve and will not correct the situation, you are guilty, and there is no forgiveness for you now, and forever, and forever and ever. And the voice of conscience says: you acted badly, offended someone, stole, even killed - think about whether you can fix it or not, you can - fix it, and this will initiate your repentance, which will consist in the fact that you are more than such a mistake you won't do it. You can’t fix it (well, for example, if you killed it, you won’t resurrect it) - your conscience tells you that you need to atone for it somehow, and think about how you can atone for it.

Yakov Krotov: Faith suggests that you can’t even really ...

Natalia Skuratovskaya: You rely on the mercy of God, but sometimes a person comes to the same priest and says: "Father, he took a sin on his soul, he killed ..." For example, a woman had an abortion: "Impose a heavier penance on me, because I cannot forgive myself and I feel that God does not forgive me either." It is possible in this situation, for example, to take the path of strengthening the feeling of guilt, so that she would continue to feel like such an unforgiven, murderer - and what will we achieve by this? Let's get that...

Yakov Krotov: ...she won't have an abortion next time.

Natalia Skuratovskaya: Yes, but then she will not be able to give love to either the children she gave birth to or her husband. She will blame, destroy herself, and as a result it will be such a psychological suicide. And if you give her hope that the Lord forgives... The Lord forgave the thief, who also did not piously lead his life until this moment... The Lord can forgive anyone.

Yakov Krotov: The Prolife movement has such a position that abortion is even worse than murder, because the killer still kills adults, adults, soldiers in general risk their lives, and during an abortion you kill a completely defenseless one, and this is extremely creepy . And for some reason it seems to me that this is manipulation.

Natalia Skuratovskaya: The way that prolife activists present it is very often manipulation.

One path is to drive her into a feeling of guilt, into the fact that now she must repent until the end of her life, and still it is unlikely that there will be forgiveness (well, or she must serve 40 prayers there for the babies killed in the womb, and then, perhaps, the Lord forgive her). And there is another way - to say that, yes, murder, yes, sin, yes, irreparably, you will not resurrect, but if conscience prompts more penance ... And what will change for the better in you or in the world from the fact that you will do a thousand prostrations for seven years? Conscience torments - there are abandoned children, help them. You can - adopt, you can't - there is volunteering in orphanages, there are disabled children whom people help, they just come to talk to them. Find yourself such a thing to atone for evil with good, if the soul asks for redemption.

Find yourself such a thing to atone for evil with good, if the soul asks for redemption

But we do not have a legal concept of salvation, and the question is not to work it out - you killed one and adopt the other, and still we will not be able to work off the murder. We hope for the mercy of God, and, realizing a terrible, irreparable sin, we will not repeat it again and will try to bring into life goodness, love, what we have deprived ourselves at that moment, and this, for example, a murdered child. This is not a "pro-life" approach at all.

Yakov Krotov: And then an atheist comes and says: Christianity brings up irresponsibility. Where is the line between irresponsibility and forgiveness?

Natalia Skuratovskaya: But just in the same inner change, in readiness and determination not to repeat the sin again.

Yakov Krotov: It first appeared among the Jesuits. Many Orthodox also studied with them, they accepted the sin of Catholicism for a while, studied, and then returned to Orthodoxy, because there were no Orthodox seminaries. There is a custom to ask after confession: do you promise not to do that again? Here in our order of confession there are no such phrases, although sometimes you really want them to be there. Here is an alcoholic, he has a hangover - “well, never again!”, And then again everything is all over again. And yet this manic-depressive cycle often carries over into religious life.

Natalia Skuratovskaya: Certainly!

Yakov Krotov: Is it possible without it? How to break the vicious circle?

The promise exacerbates guilt because it a high degree probabilities will be violated

Natalia Skuratovskaya: Transfer control from outside to inside. When a person is told: "Do you promise not to repeat this again?", this is an external control. That is, promise me, promise God, otherwise God will punish you ... And you promise, you swear to that God who said "do not swear either by heaven or earth."

Yakov Krotov: Well, no, they don't say "swear", although a promise is also a form of an oath.

Natalia Skuratovskaya: The promise before the cross and the gospel! It's just that in the situation you describe, the promise aggravates the feeling of guilt, since it is more likely to be broken.

Yakov Krotov: And when a person at a wedding says "I'll marry you, I promise"? Then you find yourself in an atheistic position, that any religion is the bringing out of what should be in the depths of the heart ...

Natalia Skuratovskaya: No, it's not like that at all! When it comes to the fight against sins, with passions that have taken possession of a person ... We all know from asceticism that passions are often not overcome at once, that this is a struggle, sometimes a struggle until the hour of death, and a person should approach this struggle in such a way that “I will try not to fall, but if I have fallen, I will rise, repent and again try not to fall.” But if at this moment of repentance an external promise was taken from a person, then he already has two sins, for example, drunkenness and the fact that he broke the promise. The next time he comes to us twice as guilty, and then he simply loses faith that the Lord will deliver him from this.

We cannot be unilaterally responsible for life for another person

And at the wedding, we are talking about a responsible decision, which is supposedly taken once and for all life, that is, it is love and responsibility.

Yakov Krotov: So I have always disliked the word "responsibility", because it seems to me that it imitates a dialogue. Responsibility is still a kind of answer, but responsibility in such contexts is some kind of monological phenomenon. If I answer to my beloved, to God, then this is part of some long, decades-long conversation, but if I answer to the law of nature, before the human, psychological law, then this is such rubbish!

Natalia Skuratovskaya: I just did not mean at all the legal understanding of responsibility, but I meant the readiness to answer for each other in all situations, to support the other.

Yakov Krotov: What does it mean for each other?

Natalia Skuratovskaya: This means that we cannot be unilaterally responsible for another person for life. If we are talking about marriage, then both are responsible for each other and for relationships, both should be ready to help the other if it is hard for him. For example, parents are responsible for children, but only until the moment when the children have matured. And when the parents have grown old and have lost their strength, the children are already responsible for their parents. Responsibility is always mutual if we are talking about human relationships, and not about laws (perhaps imposed).

Yakov Krotov: It seems to me that where there is love, there is mutual responsibility - it is rather mutual forgiveness.

Responsibility is always mutual if we are talking about human relationships, not laws

Natalia Skuratovskaya: Yes, definitely!

Yakov Krotov: And, in particular, the readiness to tell the child: you go, I will stay, and the captain will sink with the ship. Love in this sense liberates from responsibility, as from suffering, punishment. In the Gospel from these pages, a very clear character arises - the Lord Jesus Christ, open, sincere, who at the same time still scares us.

Natalia Skuratovskaya: I don't think he scares us.

Yakov Krotov: What is it then? How to combine the Gospel and this echo of Old Testament threats?

Natalia Skuratovskaya: These Old Testament threats were present in the minds of his listeners; moreover, they are present in our modern consciousness, since much of the Old Testament religion has entered into historical orthodoxy. When these demands are taken to extremes, this is a kind of provocation, just designed to awaken conscience, to switch attention from external control, control of the law, to one’s own conscience, which is often called “the voice of God in the soul of a person.” You looked at the woman with lust - no one will know about it if you have not done anything, and you think that this is already the first step towards adultery, and stop. You will not be judged for this as for adultery, but they will notice - stop.

Natalia Skuratovskaya- psychologist, psychotherapist, teacher of the course of practical pastoral psychology, leader of trainings for clergy and church workers, director of the consulting company "Viv Aktiv".

Good afternoon Although there are a lot of people, we will be able not only to communicate in a lecture format, but also try to do something to resist manipulations in real life. I am a practical psychologist, not an academic specialist, but a practitioner, and I have been working with church topics for six years now. I work mainly in the context of pastoral psychology - counseling priests, parishioners, including victims of psychological abuse.

Is the person manipulating you? Have pity on him

This topic did not arise by chance, it arose based on many personal stories. different people, many disappointments. Of course, freedom is very important, but no less important is the love that each person expects to meet in the Church. After reading the Gospel, having learned that God is love, a person rushes with open heart towards this love, this freedom in Christ. But very often this is not what he encounters. Not because the Church itself is bad, but because the people who are saved in this Church remain people with all their inherent weaknesses, which are not always eradicated over the years, and some even get worse.

Manipulation is a common background of human communication. Somewhere we are ready to put up with them. Suppose, when trading on the market, we expect them. Or in a business process, in negotiations. The laws of the genre assume that each of the parties is trying to shortchange the other and achieve the maximum benefit for themselves. But there are situations where, according to an inner feeling, manipulation is unacceptable for us - this is the family, and this is the Church. Because there must be places in our lives where we can be ourselves, where we can be open.

Manipulation, of course, often hurts a lot, but at the same time, we all manipulate others in one way or another.

Manipulation is any influence on another person in order to impose his will on him, to make him do what we want from him, without taking into account what he wants. I emphasize that the impact is hidden. Because if there is power to order, a person can be forced. He will be unhappy, but he will do it. If we take into account his interests, we will agree with him - perhaps he will voluntarily do what we want from him.

Manipulation is not an order, and it is not a fair contract. This is an appeal to the weaknesses and vulnerabilities that each of us has in order to gain some kind of power over a person. Manipulation can be directed to different things. You can control your actions, you can control your feelings. All of you have experienced in your life how easy it is to manipulate feelings. In fact, it is precisely because we have feelings that we become easy prey for manipulators. Just because we are alive.

Therefore, after this lecture, we will not achieve complete invulnerability, we will not live in a spacesuit, because this is not life. I just hope that we will begin to calculate such situations in advance, prevent them, not enter into them, get out of this contact in time, or turn the situation around in such a way that it is equal and honest.

The deepest level of manipulation is to change a person’s attitudes, to replace his goals with ours, to control his life intentions, to reorient his life in the direction that we consider right for him. Perhaps our intentions are the best. For example, when we raise children, we resort to manipulation regularly. We ask you to eat a spoon for mom, for dad - this is also manipulation, because mom and dad will not get anything from this, except peace of mind. We will talk about the manipulations of childhood in just five minutes, because all of them grow.

Manipulation is in most cases not necessarily a conscious malicious act when we want to enslave someone's will. Manipulation, as a rule, is, firstly, not realized, and secondly, it is so familiar to a person that he simply does not know how to communicate differently. Because they talked to him like that in childhood, he got used to it, he learned from childhood experience: such techniques work, but such ones do not work. If I whine, my mother will allow me everything, so then I will pretend to be a victim and manipulate her weakness. On the contrary, if I always smile, I will be treated well at home and at school, so I will not show my true feelings to anyone, I will manipulate my invulnerability.

At the same time, some provocations usually come with this in order to bring others out of peace of mind and, against their background, be a standard and a model of calmness. This is done for profit. Most often, this is the easiest way to manipulate when we can open it and just calmly say: "You are doing this and that." We can use countermanipulation explicitly and openly, thus making it clear that we have seen through the game, we are ready to play it, but we suggest not to play it.

Another goal is power, not necessarily a formal one. Power over minds, power over souls is very seductive. And this is something we often deal with in a church context.

Finally, control, which is not necessarily attached to power. Power and control can go together, or they can go separately. Very often, manipulation for the purpose of control is not the fault of the person, but a misfortune. Because if a person is a neurotic, it is simply vital for him to control the situation around him. If you are part of this situation, then he will have to try to control you.

So the first thing I ask you to remember. If we meet with manipulations, then this is not a reason for aggression, for confrontation, in order to give a decisive rebuff. This is cause for sympathy.

Strong, confident, calm and good people rarely needs manipulation. Therefore, if you are being manipulated, take pity on this person for a start - this is both Christian and psychologically the first correct step in order to deal with manipulation. Because anger is not the best adviser in such situations.

The Lord punished - this is a trap

So what are manipulations? As I said, conscious and unconscious. With conscious, especially in a church context, we meet much less often than with unconscious ones. Because the unconscious are not only those that a person is vaguely aware of, but also the translation of those manipulations that a person himself once underwent.

If a person is sincerely sure that if you do not follow a certain set of prescriptions, then that's it, you will go to hell, he sincerely saves you from this, preventing you in every possible way. For example, if you come to church without a headscarf, you will go to hell. Or if you choose not the person advised by your confessor as your companion, then you will not see salvation, both of you will perish.

The one who uses such manipulation, in most cases, he does not calculate coldly: "Yeah, if I control the sphere of personal relationships, if I control the circle of acquaintances and all aspects of my flock's life, then he is completely in my power." There are still few such insidious manipulators. Usually this is done precisely from the idea of ​​some kind of distortion of spiritual life, in this example- at the shepherd. Although experienced parishioners can say the same thing.

I will take an example from the experience of the person who addressed me known to me. A mother who has lost a child comes to church, not churched, just in despair. The first thing she encounters: a kind woman begins to tell her that she lost her child because she was not married to her husband, the Lord punished her, and that if she does not want the rest of the children to die, she needs to do this, then- so-and-so. It's not because the priest taught them that way. This is because such a picture of the world and such an image of God lives in their minds - God exterminates children.

The peculiarity of such manipulation is an unrelated message. Does God exterminate children in all unmarried marriages, or is this woman especially unlucky? There is also a standard answer to this - that God loves whom He punishes, so the Lord has chosen you, decided to save you. This is also one of the standard manipulative influences. But most often this does not happen in the format of conscious manipulation, and such a person himself needs to be helped to cope with the fears that keep him in this trap.

Manipulations can be verbal, that is, verbal, with the help of speech, or they can be behavioral - with the help of actions, deeds, when words are only an addition or are not present at all. For example, if we boycott a person because he did not do something, this is manipulation. If every time family members don't do what we want, we have a heart attack and everyone has to drop everything and run around us - this is a deep neurotic manipulation that has already reached the psychosomatic level. It happens.

Poor health is a great way to control others, which is used by so many..

To be absolutely immune to manipulation, one must be dead, because manipulation is based on feelings. Some of them are natural and each of us has them, and some are destructive, and in a good way we should get rid of them in ourselves. However, this is something that manipulation can rely on.

Comes from childhood

The first and foremost feeling is love. Basic human needs - food and love - this is what even a newborn baby needs. The manipulation of love is very simple - there is unconditional love, and there is love with conditions: if you do not do this and that, I will not love you.

For example, mom says, "If you get a C, I won't love you." Or a father says: “If you don’t go to college, you are not my son. There were no fools in our family.” At the same time, it is absolutely indifferent what the son wants, the main thing is that the condition is set. If the condition is not met, the person is punished by rejection, emotional isolation, or exclusion from a certain community.

Why am I citing examples from childhood? Precisely because sensitivity to these manipulations is formed precisely in childhood.

A person whose childhood was full of unconditional love is much less likely to fall for the manipulation of love.. Because he has an intuitive confidence that he is undoubtedly worthy of love.

He does not need to prove anything to anyone in order to win this love. He's just good, and they just love him. Man who was manipulated by his parents as a child In a similar way, is very vulnerable to such manipulation, because he has a different picture of the world, he does not have basic trust in people. He has an attitude: they only love you if you live up to expectations.

In an ecclesiastical context, guilt becomes endless

When we turn to the church context, we understand that the stakes are even higher here. They threaten not only with the loss of the love of significant others, but also with the fact that God will not love you. Basic Manipulation – “God will reject you if you don’t do this and that. If you do as we say, God will love you." I'm simplifying so that the impact pattern is clear.

The second is "there is no salvation outside the Church." If you do not do the prescribed set of actions, then you are not Orthodox, we will reject you. A person who comes to church is a neophyte, he is open to everything. Calling grace and a vague search for God brought him to the church, he is ready to believe everything. If at this moment he finds himself in the conditions of manipulation, then this manipulation will become the leitmotif of his entire spiritual life for many years to come.

The next one is fear. The manipulation of fear is simple and obvious - to understand what a person is most afraid of and to scare him with this. These are threats from childhood - “if you don’t eat soup, you will grow up frail and girls won’t love you” or “if you fail your final exams, you will go to the janitors and die under the fence.” In the church context, the stake is extremely high - this is salvation, the opportunity to be with God.

Unfortunately, such a thing as the fear of God is tied to this.

The fear of God is not the fear of a punishing God, who watches over our wrong actions solely for the purpose of repaying us as we deserve. It is the fear of our own imperfection, the realization that in the face of God we are open as we are.

On the one hand, God certainly loves us. On the other hand, the feeling of whether we are worthy of this love? The fear of offending God is the fear of God. But more often the interpretation is different, literal: you have to be afraid.

The next is guilt, which is very easy to provoke in a person, especially if he has been used to it since childhood. If mom’s career didn’t work out because she devoted herself to children, then mom says: “I live all my life for the sake of the family, for you.” In parentheses, it means that you have to work it out, it's for life. Guilt is often provoked in marital relationships, because: "Because of you, I did not succeed in such and such, because of you I refused such and such opportunities." A person who is invited to feel guilty is forced to make excuses and is forced to somehow atone for his guilt.

When we move into a church context, our sense of guilt becomes endless, because none of us is without sin. important thing in our spiritual life is repentance. The line between repentance, which is "metanoia", that is, changing oneself with God's help, and a hopeless feeling of guilt, when you understand that no matter what you do, it will always be bad, sometimes it is very imperceptible. Moreover, unfortunately, this is how our modern Orthodox subculture has developed.

Guilt is actively exploited because everyone has it, and we all know the benefits of repentance.

The next is self-doubt. When a person is not sure of himself, it is easy to make him helpless. The main thing is to explain to him more that he can’t do it without you, that he can’t do anything on his own. If this happens to a person in childhood, he grows up in a state of so-called learned helplessness: he is not able to take responsibility for his life and make decisions on his own, because life experience tells him that he can't do it on his own, he can't do it on his own.

Imagine such a person comes to church, looking for spiritual nourishment. As often happens, if a person has psychological problems, he finds a complimentary partner for himself - someone who will make up for his incompleteness. IN this case man is infantile, he has learned helplessness. He will find a confessor who will decide everything for him. The ideal option is some kind of young man. For him, this is an ideal parishioner - he does not decide anything, knows nothing, is afraid of his desires, is afraid to trust himself, asks for blessings even to blow his nose.

If such a person comes to a priest who perceives spiritual guidance differently, then the priest will already have the feeling that he is being manipulated. And it's true - the manipulation of pity also happens. “I’m so helpless, I’ll be lost without you, I don’t know anything, I can’t do anything, so you must take full responsibility for me and on your neck I will enter the Kingdom of Heaven. I myself don’t want to think, and I myself don’t want to do anything.” In this case, the manipulation is often mutual.

The next trap is pride and vanity. I think it's too much to talk about this topic. We all know how dangerous spiritually pride and vanity are, but at the same time it is also an Achilles' heel in terms of manipulation. But this manipulation is no longer forceful, but with the help of flattery. If we tell a person how wonderful he is, that no one but him can do it, that he is special, exceptional and we believe in him, and he is greedy for such flattery, he will go out of his way to justify our high expectations.

Or we can take it weakly, say: “I’m not sure that you will succeed, this is only for the strongest spiritually,” and the person begins to prove his superiority over this general mass.

A pity. Do not confuse it with compassion and empathy. Empathy is a quality that I believe every Christian should have. Because it is our ability to share the pain of another person and help him. Pity is always oriented from top to bottom. We feel strong and find the weak.

If we are manipulated with the help of pity, then they just appeal to our secret pride: "He is weak, and I am strong, I can help him, I am such a small god for someone." Manipulation with pity differs from really difficult life situations in that a person himself is not ready to do anything for himself. He needs everything done for him. Because he himself cannot do anything, or he has a reason, or there is no suitable state, or he does not understand, does not know, does not know how, and simply cannot cope without you. If you helped him once, that's it, you have already taken responsibility for him. later life because he would be lost without you.

Many people know this manipulative triangle. Manipulation with pity is the message of the victim to the rescuer. Here, I have life circumstances or I have an enemy who is killing me from the light, and only you can save me. Manipulation with pity is impossible in relation to a person who does not have vanity - these are connected things.

Finally, the manipulation of hope. When a person is promised a reward, which in fact the manipulator cannot provide him, and certain conditions are set. In the church context, we encounter this quite often, and not only in everyday parish life, but also in the face of numerous petitioners who come and say: “You are Christians, you must help me, give me money, clothe, and put on shoes.” If you offer them, for example: "Help us sweep the yard, chop firewood." They will say: “No, no, what are you! You just have to help me. Why are you so selfish, why should I work for you? And here you can say: “Dear comrade, you are trying to arouse my pity, but you yourself are not ready to do anything for yourself, so let's think together how you can get out of this sad state.”

As for the manipulation of hope, there are different hopes in the Church: there is hope for salvation, there is hope for acceptance, for understanding, for the fact that all are brothers and sisters. No wonder they say that prayer wakes up in the most difficult life circumstances. Because while some false hopes and false paths of achievement are being formed, this prevents a person from coming to real faith. Manipulation becomes an obstacle.

We are not vulnerable to all of these manipulations. Someone, for example, is very resistant to pity, but powerless in the face of fear. Someone easily falls for a feeling of guilt, but you can’t break through it with pride and vanity. Someone is very afraid of losing love, but at the same time he controls his other fears very well, and nothing more will scare him.

I think now in real life you will train to recognize these manipulations. Let's see what we can do with them.

Manipulator techniques and protection against them

Briefly about manipulative techniques. What exactly to do when we are faced with manipulation? As we said, it is possible to manipulate information, emotions or behavior. Perhaps the most common thing in our church context is to mix information and opinions. This manifests itself even in dogmatic questions, when dogmas are mixed with theologians. And sometimes, with some fabrications, traditions are added to the Tradition, often not at all Christian, but this whole cocktail is passed off as Orthodoxy.

When we mix information and opinions, there is only one way out: focus on facts, that is, learn to distinguish between facts and interpretations of what is actually said and what is brought in by our interlocutor or someone else.

Next is the cover of authority. This has already been mentioned today - covering up with the authority of God, the readiness to speak on His behalf. For example, in the preliminary discussion of our lecture, there was a conversation about who will be saved, who will not be saved. One lady told everyone that we would not all be saved. Everyone who comes here, too (you won't be saved either, by the way, I warn you).

Her position: in general, you can never doubt anything. If you doubt something in the Church, that is, not in the Church itself, but in the fact that there are some difficult situations in the Church - if you start thinking about it, you will not be saved. People often say such things about someone's salvation: “This is God, God Himself, it is written in the Gospel that those who go to psychologists will never be saved. This is written in the Holy Scriptures.

- And the fact that there are Christian psychologists does not bother people?

– There is no competition between psychology and counseling, these are completely different activities.

– Nevertheless, there is a psychology course in theological academies.

- Yes. I think there should be even more psychology there. Understanding human psychology helps priests understand, firstly, their own inner world, their psychological obstacles. For example, their vulnerability to certain manipulations, their limitations, fears and somehow work them out so that later they do not project their psychological problems onto their parishioners.

On the other hand, psychology helps to understand your parishioners, and not to measure them by yourself. To understand that they are different people, with different values, with a different life story, and approaching them is possible not only in the style of “do as I do, or as it is written in this book.”

We act simply with authorities, especially since the holy fathers act as authorities, Holy Bible. Without questioning the authority, we can deny the interlocutor the right to speak on behalf of this authority, because usually what is pulled out for the purpose of manipulation does not in any way reflect the source.

If John Chrysostom had known that only the phrase “Sanctify your hand with a blow” would remain in the minds of many from his heritage, he would probably have taken a vow of silence in his early youth.

Further. The specific language is professional feature. If you feel that the use of technical terms, even if they are church terms, but not quite clear to you, serves to make you understand how incompetent you are, switch to the language you are used to. In any situation when they try to impose on you a language that is not characteristic or not very clear to you, retell the same thing in other words.

Narrowing or substitution of context is something that is encountered very often. This is both pulling quotes out of context, and placing circumstances or spiritual advice given to completely different people in an inappropriate context for them. One of the difficulties that we encounter quite often is that the spiritual instructions that are currently used in the modern Church are not differentiated by addressees. Something was said only for monastics. And something was said in a certain situation.

Most of what was said about cutting off one's will and absolute obedience was said about very specific situations. A person who has renounced everything worldly, retires to the desert. He has an abba - this is not a random boss who was sent to him. This is not how the Patriarchate appointed a bishop, whom none of the priests chose, but everyone is obliged to remain in complete obedience. Or how the bishop, in turn, sent a new priest to the parish, and no one chose to trust this priest, but this is the only church in the village. The situation is different - as regards the freedom of the one to whom and to what extent one can entrust one's will.

Changing the context here is fraught with the fact that a person is manipulatively assigned a task that is unsolvable in principle. Now, by the way, they say about the fasts that the Typicon was written for monasteries, and how problematic this is for those living outside monasteries. I don’t know, I somehow got used to it, it seems to me that it’s normal to fast according to the Typicon, there is nothing like that.

- Tell me, please, is a lie a manipulation?

“Lying is definitely manipulation. It's so obvious that I didn't even write it down.

– How to resist it?

- Resist? If you know it's a lie, then of course you know the truth. If you suspect that this is a lie, then ask clarifying questions so that the person is confused. When we are dealing with manipulation by distorting information, the best thing we can do is to focus on the facts, clarify, concretize, tighten up, so to speak, not let us be confused. Here our assistants are logic and common sense.

And temperament.

- Yes. Temperament, of course, is innate, but the ability to deal with it, compensating for its weaknesses and squeezing the maximum out of it strengths- Acquired, so we need to work on it.

For example, if we know that we are easily irritated, there are various ways to get the anger under control, up to breathing exercises. In any case, the main strategy is not to follow the manipulative path that the opponent is trying to lead us down.

Is he trying to get us to make excuses? For example: “Have you already stopped drinking cognac in the morning?” is a classic question that can be answered "yes" or "no", but still find yourself in an uncomfortable position. Or: “Yes, you are a heretic!” - and make excuses. By the way, in such situations, you can agree, or you can invite your opponent to justify his assumption. The main thing is not to get involved in this dispute.

You can say, "You're right. But do you know to what extent you are right?

- Yes, you can confuse him with an asymmetric answer, of course. If they try to crush you with questions that are asked not to listen to the answer, but to confuse you, slow down. Answer the first question: “What happened next, did I listen?”, “Can I write it down? Could you repeat?"

- And if there is no answer?

- No, there is no trial. You can manipulate not only information, but also emotions. Once you feel a strong pressure on emotions, whether positive or negative, that's a sure sign that it's time to focus on the facts.

If a tear is squeezed out of you, if they try to provoke you to anger, if you are flattered and you feel pride, tell yourself: “Stop! For some reason, I got this emotion. What does this person want from me? This is the main opposition to the very manipulations of emotions that we have already analyzed in relation to the church context.

Any manipulative phrase addressed to emotions breaks down into a clarifying question: “Why are you sure of this? Where exactly is it written that if I come to church in jeans, I will go to hell? Are you sure it's not cute?"

The Holy Fathers said: "Test every spirit." Therefore, any pressure on emotions is a signal. We take a step back, and only the facts. We are not obliged to provide our emotions to anyone in the management, therefore, with all these manipulations, we ask for concretization.

The next technique that occurs is emotional contagion. Emotions are known to be contagious. Basically, good way manipulation - to put oneself into such a state that it is contagious or to portray it reliably. It can be delight, it will be transmitted to everyone - and all your words can be taken for granted. It may be anxiety: “Do you know that the TIN is on the products in your refrigerator ...” There are no such manipulations that work for everyone. This is selective, here you need to understand what works.

Empaths, for example, are very easily infected by other people's emotions. On the one hand, this is a good opportunity to understand other people's emotions, on the other hand, there is a constant risk that some cockroaches will be planted on you. Because rejoicing in someone else's joy, crying with someone else's tears - this is a normal natural state of a person endowed with empathy. And to be afraid of other people's fears ...

By the way, the escalation of conflicts is also very often due to the infection of anger. Therefore, if you feel that there is some kind of emotional message that you are not ready to share, you again say: “Stop! What information is given to me along with this emotional message? ”, - even if the emotion is very pleasant. That is, we share emotions and information.

Finally, the pressure on emotions is all kinds of non-verbal demonstrations, and sometimes verbal ones too. These are resentments, aggression, obvious, hidden, depreciation of what you say, demonstrative disrespect for you. In fact, those things that are designed to cause your self-doubt, your guilt. You can counter this, of course, by remaining calm. Keeping calm is much easier if you understand what is happening with your interlocutor, why he behaves this way.

In fact, this is an unfortunate person who is forced in this way - by demonstrating negative emotions and luring negative emotions out of you in return - to achieve more or less tolerable in psychologically existence for itself. Therefore, it is very important to remain calm, to understand, to sympathize with the aggressor. He probably had a difficult childhood, when he was also manipulated a lot. Then he had a no less difficult adolescence and youth, and maturity. And it is unlikely that he has a happy family life, because a person cannot manipulate in one place, and not manipulate in another.

- If you say this, will it not cause even more aggression?

- No, say about yourself, of course. It was about how to calm down and not break loose. If we want it to explode before our eyes, we say it all out loud. But that would be manipulation. We simply hit the patient and bring his anger to an extreme point.

Finally, the impact on behavior. Behavior control is a very powerful thing, especially when it happens unconsciously, at the level of “you are sitting in the wrong place”, “you are standing in the wrong place”, “you are standing in the wrong way”, “you are looking in the wrong place”, “do this”, “do not do that”. ".

Dangerous when it's camouflaged. Let's say we are told: “Won't it be difficult for you to stay after the service, otherwise the bishop is coming tomorrow, you need to scrub the whole church three times and start preparing the meal already. Any gourmet dish, otherwise they won’t be in time in the morning. ” It may be a normal request, or it may be manipulation.

Any manipulation can be a request, the text of the words is the same. The difference is whether you are given a choice or not. When you can be asked, you can refuse, someone else can do it, you can do it together with someone. If a person says: “There is no one else to ask, but we will be with you all the way until we do everything,” then this lesser degree manipulation than to say, “Well, you know what important things I have to do about tomorrow's event, so…” A very important boundary is freedom. You are left with freedom or not left with freedom.

Next is the activation of stereotypes. In religious communities, this is the most beloved, because it is a distinction based on the principle "you are ours" or "you are not ours." “A real Orthodox must…”, “we are Russians, we are Orthodox” – these are also appeals to stereotypes. On the one hand, pride, and on the other, fear: if you behave differently from ours, or dare to say that not all Russians or not all Orthodox do this, then we will not recognize you as Russian and Orthodox. You will be a Jew and a Catholic secret.

When you are faced with the fact that you are attributed to a certain community in order to force you to act in accordance with formalized laws (and these laws may not be exactly the ones that actually exist, but their interpretation that is beneficial to your interlocutor), here we always take a step back, we say: “Stop!” Are all Orthodox, for example, obligated to attend all church services, even if they are daily? Adjust your work schedule to this, or are there other options?

– And “to whom the Church is not the Mother, God is not the Father” - is this a manipulation?

– It is often used as manipulation. This is an example of church folklore that was taken out of context, changed its meaning and began to be used manipulatively. Moreover, in defining what the “Church as Mother” is, again, a set of conditions is brought in. For example, you should not notice any shortcomings, because you do not condemn your mother. If your mother is sick, you won't... Answering that if my mother is sick, I will treat her or call a doctor is useless.

“Yes, it means you don’t love your mother if you say she is ill. We have the best mother.

- Yes. Therefore, in this case, we avoid generalizations. The main opposition is that it is not necessary to do this, this and this, and “announce the whole list” in order to earn the right to belong to the Orthodox.

Further. Status pressure. In the hierarchical structure, which is the Church, this is a natural thing, especially since there are certain traditions - the attitude towards the holy dignity, the relationship between different levels church hierarchy. But even if communication is built from top to bottom and from bottom to top - it's not only "you" - "you" is marked. This is marked, for example, that I can demand from you, but you cannot demand from me. I can be rude to you, but you can't tell me. There are many status markers that anchor relationships from the bottom up and from the top down.

You can get out of this only by separating the status from the meaning of statements. Easy reference to transactional analysis. Summary: if the internal state of each person denote that there is a child, there is an adult and there is a parent. Top-down communication is parent-child communication. Communication on an equal footing is communication at the level of adult-adult, or child-child, or two parents. Two parents usually discuss the imperfection of their children, or in general, how bad everyone is and they don’t obey us. Adult communication is communication at the level of logic, at the level of facts. Communication between two children is communication at the level of emotions.

The simplest, but not the most effective, if for some reason we need to communicate with this person regularly, is to reduce contacts to the minimum possible. We know that we are being manipulated - we are getting out of contact, that is, we are moving away from capture. You already understood that each manipulation involves some kind of clue. Contact is established, a weak point is found or felt - for someone it is fear, for someone it is pity, for someone it is pride. They connected to this weak point of yours and applied manipulation to it.

But before that moment has come, before you are hooked, or if it is a manipulation of the presentation of information, before you are confused, you have control over the situation. If you feel that your clarity of consciousness has swam, they say something like nonsense, but there seems to be nothing to object, or they put pressure on emotions - it seems that you need to sympathize, we are Christians, we must, we are obliged, we are always to blame, but this is also at the level of feelings did not pass - at this moment it is necessary to move away from the capture.

You can get out of contact, go out for five minutes, go to the toilet: “I will go out, and you continue, continue.” You can seize the initiative - for example, start asking questions, as we have already talked about. You can, if you are sitting, get up, if you are standing, sit down - change your position in space. You can start looking at the interlocutor probingly.

Each person has their own favorite ways of manipulation. They have their own pace, they have their own rhythm, they have their own tricks. They get it, they fall for it. Each of us, of course, also has them. But if this rhythm, tempo, habitual methods get lost? Contact has just begun to be established, since it is an emotion. For example, they began to squeeze a tear out of you, and you left. Like a wall, it's useless. You have returned - already again you must first squeeze out a tear. It breaks the manipulation.

Changing the pace is also very powerful tool, because very often the manipulator does not give us the opportunity to focus: “Come on, come on! Faster, faster! If not now, then never, this is the last chance! Decide quickly!" Naturally, in this situation, you need to slow down as much as possible and say: “I need to think, I can’t do it right away,” that is, take a step back and postpone the decision. Sometimes, on the contrary, you are exhausted by slowing down: “Well, I don’t know,” long pauses. You can try to speed up your communication.

We filter out informational interference that masks any manipulation, get to the bottom of the essence, to the facts, to real problems, to real desires, motives of your interlocutor and use unpredictability. The less predictable you are, the more difficult it is to manipulate you. The paradox of reactions makes a person practically invulnerable. It is necessary to turn off emotions - not in the sense of blocking them completely, but in the sense of learning to separate them from the information supplied with them. Emotions separately, facts separately.

Next, you need to keep the dialogue. Human consciousness in its natural state is reflexive, that is, dialogical. We weigh pros and cons, agreement and disagreement. In the process of manipulation, we are drawn into a monologue, and this monologue is not ours. If you feel that on some issue you have the only true ultimate truth and there can be no alternative, then this is a good reason to analyze this truth - whether this confidence was the fruit of manipulation. Can you still look at the situation, at the person, at this or that idea from different angles.

It helps a lot to create an extended context or move from the context that is being imposed on you to the context that is organic for you. And alternatives. If you are told that this is the only way to be saved, you say: “Maybe there is another one?” Or: "At the holy fathers I read that one was saved in such and such a way."

When it is said about obedience, there is also a substitution of the meaning of words. Obedience is now often understood as the fulfillment of something that you do not want to do, but must.

– For example, they ask me, they talk about the importance of mercy and demand to immediately give all the money to charity, and I expand the context, saying that I have other responsibilities, I have a family and this and that. Therefore, mercy is also important, but ... Is this what we are talking about?

- Not really. Rather, here the narrowed context will be as follows: they tell you about mercy and say that if you are a truly merciful person, then you will definitely support this dog shelter, because it is impossible to remain indifferent. Then you, for example, say that you already support sick children. Or the reverse situation: “Ah, do you value dogs more than people?”

“My way of showing mercy is the only correct way, and your ways of showing mercy are no good” – this would be a narrowing of the context. You offer alternatives or expand the context. This can apply to anything - to your family life, to raising children. It's just that there is an appeal to duty: "You must help me, you must help everyone." You can come out of this state of imposed debt and say, "I can help you, but I don't owe you anything."

Finally, with regard to the manipulation of hope, you need to separate hope and manipulation. Yes, I have hope, and I want to keep this hope, but I do not understand how the action prescribed for me is connected with my hopes.

Manipulation or neurosis?

There are situations that outwardly are very similar to manipulation. This is manipulative behavior, but the person does not have full control over it. This is a situation of deep neurosis. Very often a neurotic has a so-called system of neurotic demands. I think, after reading these requirements, you will remember such people, and sometimes there are entire parishes:

• no one should criticize us
• no one should doubt us
• we are always right
• we all must obey
• we can manipulate, but you can't do it with us,
• problems should be solved for us, and we can be capricious,
• we can clash, but you must reconcile, you must endure,
• we should be understood, but we will not understand anyone.
• so that everyone, caressing us from all sides, would leave us alone and not interfere.

- This is definitely not a program of our government?

– No, these are symptoms of a deep neurosis. It happens with everyone. Therefore, if you see all this in a complex, you must understand that the response to resisting manipulation, especially to harsh, ironic, to an attempt to build a wall, will be conflicting and completely inconsistent with the strength of your influence. This is a reason to be wary, weigh every word and understand where this person vulnerabilities, so as not to approach these vulnerabilities if possible.

If this is a characteristic of a certain community, then we can capture the features of the general church subculture in which we are. Because there are things in the Church that are more or less conducive to manipulation. What is listed here is not necessarily everywhere and always, but the stronger these parameters are, the more manipulative the environment itself becomes, that is, a person finds himself in a situation in which it is difficult for him to resist manipulation:

• hierarchy, suppression by authority;
• insecurity and guilt;
• selectivity in the application of norms and rules (“I want - I will execute, I want - I will have mercy”);
• the gap between the declared and the real;
• taboo on discussing certain topics (the impossibility, often, even realizing the manipulation, to answer it with concretization of questions, clarification).

For example, “they are bullying you, but you must humble yourself, you are a Christian, you must endure.” “Why are you so not peaceful, why are you so conflicted?” And if at the same time you object to the opponent, he will say: “Oh, you are also arguing, so this is pride!” “We do not offend you, we humble you, we care about your spiritual salvation.” If the questions of the legitimacy of such actions are taboo, that is, they cannot be discussed, you can say: “Thank you for humility and for science. May I try to work on myself somehow?”

From the substitution of feelings - to the substitution of meanings

At the heart of many of the manipulations that we discussed today is the imposition of certain feelings and a certain state. It is, of course, a separate big topic. I mean this. Some feelings you should experience, and some feelings are sinful, they cannot be experienced. Therefore, the awareness of these feelings in a person is blocked.

For example, a person is sure that he is never irritated, or that he is never offended, never lies, but at the same time he sympathizes and sympathizes with everyone. Distorted awareness of their own feelings, respectively, contact with other people brings the situation out. The more manipulative the spiritual guidance is in one place or another, the more difficult it is to get out of this system.

When we talk about sects, about young elders, about those who lead not to Christ, but to themselves, we very often deal with a closed, opaque system in which a substitution initially took place at the level of feelings, then at the level of meanings, and then already - at the level of external manifestations, requirements for members of this subculture, and so on.

What to do when you are dealing with manipulations not of a single person, but of the environment, that is, you feel the restriction of freedom? For example, you came to a new parish, you try to fit in, you try to improve relations, you understand that you can’t talk about it - you don’t stand like that, you don’t look like that, you don’t dress like that, and in general it’s a sin. This is a reason to wonder if this is the spiritual guidance you need?

Once in a rigid manipulative system, sometimes it is easier not to try to prolong it, but simply to get out of it, since the possibilities of spiritual guidance are not limited to one place.

Touching on the big topic of manipulation, we did not have much time. Question psychological problems counseling in general should be considered separately, because many questions are connected with this, which were asked in advance. I would like to point out one thing. If in spiritual nourishment, instead of feeling how you become stronger, how you become closer to God, how you receive more love, you feel more and more unfreedom - this is a sure sign that at least you need to get out of this vicious circle and consult with some other, authoritative priest for you.

What if the situation is really difficult? There are non-standard situations in the Church.

- A hypothetical case that so often happens is a civil marriage. It is clear that O Most of the clergy do not approve of it and do not even give communion to those who have unregistered relationships. Here the questioner himself should be ready to hear the answer. I don't mean the answer "You must break up because you have already sinned." The question should be: “How do we live in the current situation? How can we go to salvation? To analyze honestly what prevents the relationship from being formalized somehow, why do they remain in this status? And is it true that both spouses want to live together, or is this status convenient for one of them? For example, it is convenient for a young person to live in civil marriage, and the girl would not mind formalizing the relationship, getting married, but she is afraid to insist. This is an occasion for a deeper analysis of the situation.

In general, in such situations it is worth going to a person you trust, or if you do not have such a familiar priest, ask your friends, acquaintances whom you trust, without even indicating your topic sometimes: “Is there a priest with whom you can talk candidly?" There must be at least one of these around.

Video: Vitaly Korneev

Neglecting psychological help today is absurd, and seeking it from psychologists is a trend. Expensive, fashionable, public, Orthodox, and, of course, will solve any of your problems - how not to make a mistake in choosing? On Psychologist's Day, myths about specialists are exposed by Natalia Skuratovskaya.

A good psychologist graduated from the best university in the country

Natalia Skuratovskaya

Lack of normal education is a minus. But a diploma good university is not a guarantee of quality. It is possible to rely on the teaching staff of the university where the psychologist studied, but this is not a panacea. There are a number of educational institutions that in practical terms are not inferior to Moscow State University.

Universities provide basic education, and the skills of direct work with clients are acquired in the process of additional education. It is worth finding out if the psychologist has additional training. What methods does it work with? How long? Where did you study?

Of course, education is an ambiguous criterion. I know good specialists whose basic education was not at all psychological, but they graduated with a master's degree in psychology and mastered a number of psychological methods. If a specialist has a diploma from a mediocre institution, and additional education absent, you will be very lucky if you come across a talented self-taught.

The services of a serious specialist are expensive

There is no direct correlation between "good" and "expensive". Many excellent specialists who work in charitable projects receive a salary working in public institutions, or simply chose for themselves the pricing policy "do not take a lot of money."

Expensive or not very expensive - rather characterizes the level of claims of the psychologist himself, the skills of his self-promotion. If someone has decided that only oligarchs will be his clients, then it is not surprising that the prices will seem exorbitant to others.

But in any case, pricing affects the balance between the number of customers and the quality of work. And if a psychologist works hard, but at the same time lives from hand to mouth and does not have the opportunity to develop and improve his skills, sooner or later the quality of his work will fall, no matter how talented he may be.

A good psychologist needs only one meeting to sort out the problem and help

Clients often do not see the difference between counseling and psychotherapy.

If it's a local problem, if not serious injury, neurosis, other internal obstacles, if a person does not lie to himself, does not lie to a therapist, there are cases that not only understand, but also help a person get out of a problem situation in one session.

But there are a lot of examples when in one session it is only possible to roughly localize the problem, and it can take months, and sometimes even years, to get rid of the problem. If we are talking about deep personal problems, then the one who promises to help at one time is either a charlatan or inadequately assesses the situation.

Working with a psychologist for a month, six months, a year, it is important for the client to pay attention to subjective and objective improvements in his life.

For example, something was a burden - now it is not burdensome, something did not work out - it began to work out, I was in a dead end - I got out of it. The dynamics of change determines how qualified a specialist is and how his style of work suits the client. In psychotherapy, both improvements and subjective deterioration of the state for short periods are possible (a person is scared, anxious in the process of work, negative experiences are exacerbated). But most importantly, is it changing for the better? objective reality client?

If only the mood changes for the better (there are subjective changes, but there are no objective ones), life tasks are not solved, and the problems are aggravated - this is the case when the psychologist “hooked on the needle”. By and large, the psychologist has one goal - to become unnecessary to the client until he has new life tasks and questions.

A psychologist can solve any problem

There is some confusion in understanding who is a psychotherapist and who is a psychologist.

Psychological counseling usually helps to understand a person with a specific request. For example, how to correct behavior in certain life situations how to build relationships with children, how to overcome career failures. Someone wants to use the help to navigate the priority of life goals. The result of a psychologist's consultation will be either getting rid of the problem, or reaching a qualitatively new level of understanding of one's life.

Psychotherapy is focused on solving personal problems, not momentary, but systemic. Their causes may be developmental features, childhood in a dysfunctional family, life crises that knocked a person out of the usual rhythm of life. Lack of strength and desire to do something, inability to cope with fears, irrational problems that are difficult to formulate in words - all this is the scope of the psychotherapist.

Obviously, not every specialist will cope with such a range, because different groups problems require different training and competencies. No one has canceled the individual characteristics of a specialist: one is good at one thing, the other is good at another. There are no universal psychologists. Life is not enough to successfully prepare for everything.

If someone undertakes to work on any problem, it usually means that the person is not very qualified.

However, the responsibility for the choice always lies with the "buyer". When acquaintances and colleagues bombard you with contacts and recommendations from psychologists, this creates a space for choice. But you have to choose yourself. Try to clearly define the problem for yourself, designate the task that you want to entrust to a psychologist. In part, this will help not to make a mistake, and to your friends it will help not to recommend you too much.

A good psychologist always gives specific and practical advice.

A psychologist should not advise at all, and even more so - make certain decisions for the client. There are different types of counseling and psychotherapy. The degree of directiveness in them will also be different.

For example, in cognitive behavioral therapy, a psychologist can give specific instructions and algorithms of actions. In psychoanalysis and other psychotherapeutic areas, giving advice is strictly prohibited. The methodology simply does not provide for this.

A good psychologist helps to accept independent decision. Bad - imposes only right advice. And the more categorical advice, the more doubts about the qualifications of a psychologist.

Relationships and even friendship develop with a real ace

In addition to qualifications, professional experience and good reviews about the psychologist, there is a moment of subjective, partly irrational choice. In order for the work to be productive, there must be a benevolent, trusting therapeutic alliance.

If the client experiences emotional rejection, no matter how well-deserved the psychologist is, you should listen to your intuition and leave. This does not mean that the psychologist is bad. This means that it is not suitable for this client.

The hope is often placed on the psychologist that he compensates for the lost in relations with other people, and immediately for the entire life of the client. This was noticed by the founding fathers of psychoanalysis. Freud described the mechanisms of transference when positive or negative feelings and expectations the client projects onto their therapist. Often people expect that there will be a friendship, an emotional closeness with a psychologist. But in most areas of psychotherapy, friendship with the client (as long as he remains a client) is impossible. In some therapeutic paradigms, it is not even possible to communicate with the client between sessions. There are areas in which certain relationships with the client are acceptable, but in any case, mixing of roles is unacceptable.

For example, it is impossible to work with relatives, colleagues, with people with whom we enter into rather emotionally loaded relationships.

With a good psychologist, productive, benevolent, trusting relationship because without it, it won't work. But this is not a criterion for the quality of a specialist, it is a criterion for the compatibility of a client and a therapist.

In conditions when there is no licensing of psychologists in the country, and confirmation of the qualifications of a specialist is the responsibility of the client, people want to play it safe. We turn to psychologists with sensitive, painful, confidential issues, so it is right to look for guarantees based on the experience of other clients who have been helped to solve their problems by working with this psychologist.

But friends do not always recommend psychologists they know personally. Much more often recommend those known to them by hearsay. It could be a psychologist whose lectures they watched on YouTube, heard on the radio, or simply read articles. Try to find out if your advisers have personal experience work with this psychologist and how successful he is.

You have to be sure that there is no place in the council of friends emotional dependence. Sometimes people may like their “so wonderful” psychologist because he is a master at building a codependent relationship with a client. Until people reach a crisis, when idealization is replaced by disappointment, such a psychologist will be “the best” for them.

"Word of mouth" should not be ruled out. Seeking feedback and recommendations is a normal path, especially if you are new to psychologists or have a negative experience and seek to hedge against new failures.

If you are potentially interested in a specialist who was recommended by friends, if you are considering working with him, ask friends specific questions. What is good? How long did they work? What is the result? If the work is in progress, what is objectively changing for the better?

And most importantly, to be Orthodox!

In the Orthodox environment there is a certain distrust of psychologists. I remember the times when priests perceived psychologists as "competitors for the souls of the flock." In all seriousness, I had to explain that psychology is not Satanism, not against faith, it is generally about something else. And until now, such an attitude is not uncommon, although now Christian psychology has proved its right to exist by deed, and many priests and believers are familiar with it firsthand.

Still, the religiosity of a psychologist is less important than professionalism and the ability to respect the client's values ​​without imposing their own ideological attitudes.

"Orthodox" is not a criterion of quality. When someone rests on the fact that he is an Orthodox psychologist/lawyer/taxi driver/pediatrician, doubts immediately arise about the qualifications of this person.

Those who have been inside the Church for a long time, have worked at the parish or diocesan level, must have come across situations when, insisting on their Orthodoxy, a person simply expects that his professional imperfections will be forgiven him: “I am my own, I am Orthodox.” So far, the prefix "Orthodox" remains a pretext for manipulation.

And already in the event that the professionalism of a specialist suits us, it is worth looking at how much his belief system is in harmony with ours. A good psychologist will not impose his beliefs on the client, but he may well identify them, declare that it is personally unacceptable for him. Conflict at the level of values ​​and beliefs is not conducive to effective counseling or psychotherapy.

If before a believer, an orthodox person there is a problem “how to choose a good psychologist”, then there is only one advice - professionalism should come first, and respect for the client’s faith and beliefs and readiness not to impose anything should come second.

A good psychologist is a public person

If a person manages to blog, write books, publish articles, while actively working with clients and included in educational projects- he's a superhero! First of all, this is a sign of the ability to organize one's time, but it does not directly mean that a specialist is superior in all respects to less public specialists. We need to look at what is behind this - after all, a psychologist can spend 90% of his time on self-promotion or hire other people to write on his behalf. Publicity, as well as non-publicity, is primarily associated with the desire and skill of a specialist to be present in the public space. A high-class specialist may not do all of the above, but not because he has nothing to say, but because he has no time or he is burdened by publicity.

But do not forget that publicity is always an opportunity for the client to slightly reduce risks. Look at a specialist without advertising the desire to consult. Decide for yourself how ready he is to trust such an expert and whether he agrees with what the psychologist says and writes. How contradictory, from the point of view of the client, the psychologist's beliefs, including religious ones, can also be discovered through his public activity.

Publicity is not a criterion in choosing, but it simplifies the choice. After all, if the fruits of publicity inspire confidence, then you can first make a decision on cooperation.

Experienced all the troubles

I don't think you have to experience all the misfortunes to be able to help others. Fortunately, each person has a limited supply of troubles. Yes, and it is strange to reduce the work of a psychologist only to those troubles that he personally experienced.

A good psychologist has empathy. This means that he can feel, empathize with the pain of the client. It is important that the psychologist be resourceful, able to help the client sort out troubles without falling into his feelings.

Agree, those who only read about the problems will not undertake to work with them. It is necessary to delve into any problematics, enter, immerse yourself - through specialized training and experience in working with a certain range of problems, since personal experience is always not universal, and it will not work to tell others “do as I do”. For example, you can do pre-divorce counseling while in happy marriage. If a specialist is familiar with family issues, family therapy techniques, has thoroughly studied the problem and knows what crises are and how they can be resolved, he does not have to start divorcing himself to see how it works in practice.

Each of us sooner or later experiences this or that grief. The experience of one's own experiences makes the psychologist more compassionate and delicate in some matters. But there is another way to become compassionate and gentle.

What to consider when choosing a psychologist

How to choose your psychologist, you can’t say in one sentence. Still, a good or bad specialist is an evaluative category. For some, a good psychologist is someone who can effectively help solve a problem. For others - who will provide maximum emotional support, carefully and delicately. For the third - the one who will play along with the client, agree with all his conclusions, say something pleasant to the ear. The fourth will prefer someone who is ruthless and tough, like a surgeon, will leave no stone unturned from his former beliefs and reassemble them in a new configuration. To choose a good specialist, you need to decide which quality criteria are important for you. But there are basic principles that should be taken into account in order not to make a mistake in choosing:

- try to decide what result you want to achieve What do you want from a psychologist?

– look open sources , ask your friends, take a chance and look for specialists on portals dedicated to psychological help;

– among selected specialists arrange "competitive selection for a vacancy";

- do not bet on one, not to be disappointed in psychology at all; talk to several specialists before deciding who to go to for a consultation;

- go for a trial consultation to understand how comfortable it is for you to work with this particular psychologist;

- trust your intuition but check it with your mind;

– do not be afraid to tell the psychologist about your doubts including at the first meeting.